fic: (CSI:NY) Ignition - Part 2
Ignition (2)
Part One - Burning - here
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The summer was warm, but not too hot. They all were thankful for it; strangely enough, there always seemed to be a connection between the rise of temperatures and crime rates. So as long as the thermometer stopped between 85 and 90 degrees, it was just fine with New York's crime investigators.
It didn't however, appear to be fine with Taylor's mind. He slowly began to doubt himself - or his sanity, for that matter. At first he thought he was seeing ghosts. He would spot chocolate curls vanishing around a corner, or an all too familiar elegant figure walking on the sidewalk across the street. But whenever he looked closer, she was gone. He suspected that the amount of work and the lack of sleep and free time, plus now the heat, was slowly driving him insane, and opted to take some days off. But then Flack stormed into his office.
"Mac! I've seen Stella today!" he announced. And nothing was able to hold Mac back anymore.
Looking for one person in a city like the Big Apple surely was everything, just not easy. But he had known Stella for over ten years, and he knew her favorite places. When she came back to the city for a holiday, she would choose familiar places to go to, of that he was sure.
Still, it surprised him that he found her so quickly.
She was sitting in a small café they'd often visited together; where they had shared a coffee during a long work day or a snack at lunch. It wasn't that far away from the lab, and secluded enough that it never was too crowded. They had their own very special brand of cookies Mac remembered Stella had loved, had almost been addicted to. Sometimes he had bought her one and given it to her while she was tied up with work at the lab, and every single time his reward had been one of her bright, happy smiles...
Mac shook his head, interrupting his own thoughts. Three years ago he had let her leave, so now definitely wasn't the time for fond memories.
She didn't notice him until he was standing right in front of her table. Only then she looked up - and a thousand emotions played across her features as their eyes locked. Seconds, minutes even went by, before she finally began to speak.
"Hey, Mac," she said, and the smile she offered, one that wasn't bright and happy anymore, but sad and tired, burned itself into his mind. Gone seemed the woman he had once known. She looked exhausted, worn out, and her eyes were devoid of the sparkle that once used to be so prominent in the rich green.
"Stella," he simply greeted, and he couldn't hold back a suspicious look towards the little girl sitting beside her. Still, he decided against asking about her for the time being. "How are you?" She gestured towards the chair across from her, and he sat down.
"Fine... got a lot of work, but managed to take a few days off. Missed New York," the dark-haired woman answered shrugging, and the child with equally dark curls beside her tugged at her sleeve.
"Mommy?" the little one piped up, and for just a few seconds, Mac's world spun dangerously, leaving him so dizzy it took him a moment to recover. She had a daughter. The girl was her daughter. He didn't know what he had thought who the child was, whom she belonged to - if he had thought anything at all. Probably he hadn't. That Stella had a daughter, however, was... shocking.
"What is it, matya mou?" But the girl didn't answer; she only looked at him, the question mark almost visibly forming on in her face. What was forming on Stella's face, though, was clearly visible - uncertainty. She looked at her daughter and then at Mac, and back to the little girl beside her, obviously fighting for the right words. And Mac wondered what part of the answer was bothering her. "That... is Mac Taylor. He wa-" Hesitation, just for a moment. "He is a friend. Um, Mac, this is Eleni."
The child smiled shyly when Mac offered his hand, but then grabbed it with her smaller, cookie-crumbs covered one. She greeted him with a "Hello.", and the man responded with the same greeting, carefully shaking the little hand. Stella watched the scenery thoughtfully and with a hint of pain in her eyes, he noticed.
They sat together for a long while and tried their best to find the right words, to have an actual conversation, but even if they hadn't been trained investigators it wouldn't have been hard to realize that the past three years had formed a rift between them. Where once words had flowed easily whenever they shared a private moment away from crime scenes, dead bodies, and forensics, there now was a struggle for every single short sentence.
"How did you find out I was here?" Stella eventually wanted to know after some time of much thinking in silence and less talking.
"I thought I was seeing you, but at first believed I was only imagining things. It's been three years, after all," he began to explain, and she was surprised to hear no reproach in his voice. "But then Flack came into my office today and told me he had seen you and I knew... I had to look for you."
"I see." She paused momentarily, searching for the right words. "Listen, Mac..."
"Stella...," he began at the same time, and they both stopped. He waited for her to continue, but she only shook her head. "I think the team would be happy to see you. It probably has already made its round that you're here; I doubt Don kept it to himself."
-I-I-
Danny and Lindsay Messer, now proud owners of a nice single family home, invited the whole team to an impromptu welcome party as soon as they heard that Stella was back in town.
Cheerful Hellos were exchanged, and Stella lost count of how often she was hugged; it definitely was more than once by everyone attending their little come together. They were enthusiastic to see her, and even she, despite never contacting them in three years for good reasons, was now happy to see her "family" again. The attention, however, soon went to Eleni, who, after initially looking shy, if not frightened, easily wrapped the whole team around her little finger.
The Messers had quickly prepared some snacks; but food was the last thing on everyone's mind - and that even though their jobs didn't allow them regular breaks to satisfy a rumbling stomach and they normally took every chance they got to eat something. And so while Lucy Messer and Eleni happily munched miniature versions of sausages, the adults were too busy with talking to do more than occasionally pop a finger food piece into their mouth.
Information on how Stella now lived, what New Orleans was like, if she had nice colleagues, and if crime was different down there, was demanded, and Stella told patiently about her new life, wisely leaving out everything that was too personal. Not that it kept certain people from pressing on the one or the other subject.
"So... who's the lucky guy who has two such beautiful ladies in his life? Do we know him?" Flack wanted to know a good while into the evening, and a mischievous grin played on his face. He completely ignored Sid reproachfully hissing his name as he expectantly looked at Stella. The woman in question coughed slightly to buy herself some time, momentarily caught off guard by this direct approach, before going for an evasive answer.
"Ever the curious one, Don."
"That's what makes me so good." His expression changed from mischievous to winning. "So?" If possible, his grin became even wider when Stella leaned close to him. She spoke in a low voice, pretending that she didn't want the others to hear her words, but still it was loud enough so that everyone was able to get a good idea of what she was saying.
"I know you're very good at keeping secrets, Don Flack."
"Absolutely." His voice was as conspiratorial low as hers.
"And so am I." She leaned back and laughed as Flack looked a bit dumbfounded for a second, and the rest joined her in her laughter.
No one noticed that the only person at the table who didn't laugh was Mac.
Conversation went on easily, and the team talked about old times as well as they shared stories of the past three years. On Stella's suggestion, even Jo joined the group later this evening. The two women got along well from the moment they shook hands, and chatted animatedly; mostly about their work of course. All the while Stella did her best to avoid everything that was too Mac-related, which wasn't that easy, as her successor of course wanted to exchange stories about their experiences with the boss.
In the end it was Lindsay who saved Stella, guiding their talks into a less dangerous direction, bringing up semi-general topics everyone was able to relate and share own thoughts to. Stella thanked her friend silently; she hadn't missed Linds watching her curiously from the first second of their reunion, and she knew there were still some questions to come up later.
As midnight was slowly approaching, the group had left the table to gather in pairs and trios in different parts of the room. Stella took the chance to pull Lindsay aside, knowing that now was the best time as ever to try and shed some light on some things.
"Linds... I'm sorry I never called back. I just... I just couldn't." She refrained from continuing when the younger woman held up her hand.
"It's alright, Stella. I was sad and kind of angry at first, but... I think I understand now." Lindsay looked past her for a moment, thoughtfully so, and when Stella followed her eyes, she spotted Mac, talking to Sheldon and Sid. Stella swallowed hard. She should have guessed that if anyone, the girl from Montana she always had a special connection to would figure it out - what was behind her behavior, her disappearance - behind her sudden motherhood. "Hey," the brunette then continued, "how about Danny and I look after Eleni tonight and... you two", she nodded slightly into Mac's direction, "talk to each other properly?" Lindsay offered quietly so the others wouldn't hear it. "It seems Eleni and Lucy are friends already," she pointed at the children, still playing despite the late hour, and laughed lightly, "and I'm positive that she'll be fine a night without her mum."
Stella hesitated for a moment. She didn't have any doubts about letting her daughter stay overnight at the Messer home; but she wasn't so sure if she was ready to talk to Mac. To face him alone, without her daughter at her side, without people around them like in the café earlier that day - without anything protecting her from the inevitable conversation they would have to have anyway.
They would have to have anyway.
There was no way to hide - and no reason either. She owed it to Mac to tell him everything. She had been a coward long enough.
"Maybe it's not such a bad idea," she finally sighed. "Thanks, Linds."
"Always."
-I-I-
They left the house together in silence after saying goodbye to the rest. No one asked or wondered why those two left alone, why Eleni stayed behind, or why Stella, as the one the party was given for, was the first one to go. They simply accepted it, and Stella as well as Mac where thankful for it. After all, the co-workers were also friends - and they knew each other well. Well enough, at least.
As soon as they had left the house and walked a bit down the street, Mac stopped her. Questions had been burning in his mind since he had found her with the little girl beside her in that café, and more so since he knew the child was her daughter. He had kept to himself the whole time, contemplating and brooding, trying to think through everything; but every time he came up with only one likely scenario.
"Stella. Eleni... how old is she exactly?"
"Two years, Mac. Why?"
"Two years? Or maybe a bit more?" His eyes were almost pleading her to tell him the truth. And she knew that he by now had guessed at least half of it; even if she had wanted to, she wouldn't have had a chance to keep it a secret anymore. And she didn't want to, either. So she closed her eyes and sighed before she answered him, not bothering to pretend she didn't know what was on both their minds.
"What makes you think-"
"You're no woman to sleep around, or go to bed with any man you barely know. And I'm sure that after our night..." His voice trailed off when she turned away from him, trying to hide the tears threatening to leave her eyes; tears he had already seen.
"Stell...," he said gently and she cringed at his use of the short form of her name she hadn't heard in years. "Is Eleni... my daughter?"
She could have sworn that every sound around them died down. The only thing she heard was his breathing - although he was standing a few steps away from her, it was so loud that she wanted to cover her ears. Still standing with her back to him, one of her hands covered her mouth while the other supported her elbow, and she pressed her arms into her, like something inside of her wanted to forbid her to breathe. She could feel him waiting for her answer, but she let half a lifetime pass before she felt strong enough for one simple word:
"Yes."
-I-I-
He was a father.
He was father of a little, no more than two year old daughter. There was a life, partly created out of his flesh and blood, and she had been walking the earth for two years without him even guessing that there may be was such a life, such a child.
Mac hadn't gone through so many emotions in such a short time since Claire's death. In fact, apart from the moment he had learned of his wife's death twelve years ago, he had never felt a wave of emotions like this one. Not even when his father had died, or friends and colleagues. If he was honest, this was bigger than every single one of these events. This was his child.
Had his world spun before when he had learned that the girl was Stella's daughter, it now raced and left him breathless, with a mind clouded with countless thoughts he couldn't even start to sort through. He vaguely grabbed the memory of his father talking about grandchildren on his deathbed. He saw the pictures rushing by, pictures of him and Claire, sadly looking at a negative pregnancy test. He watched himself with children he met during investigations, and how he dealt with them. He remembered the thoughts and emotions when he learned that Claire had a son. He felt again the collection of hopes and wishes for a child of his own, and how they were destroyed on that fatal September day in 2001. He relived the understanding that he would never have children, as he was sure he would never again meet a woman he was ready to have them with, and how that understanding nearly ate him alive.
In the end, he came up with the probably stupidest - to his mind - question of all:
"Why didn't you tell me?" To his own ears, he sounded weak, shocked, shaken. In one second, everything had changed. Being robbed of someone by death was one thing. You had to deal with your grief, maybe with guilt, but when you were lucky, you would find someone to help you through that time, help you back on your feet and go on with your life. But when a new life suddenly, out of nothing, was added to yours, and you... you only got to know about it by chance...
Mac knew the stages of shocked and confused lay behind him. Now came the anger. It welled up inside of him and he was barely able to control it. It was his daughter. And he had already lost two years of her life. He hadn't been there at the day she was born, didn't hear her first scream, her Hello to the world, didn't see her take her first steps, didn't hear her first words. It was his loss. And no one would ever be able to give back to him the time he had lost with his daughter.
When Stella didn't answer him, his anger grew. They were standing in the middle of an empty street at night, surrounded by single family houses, but despite all his good manners, he didn't care if anyone would hear them.
"Don't you think I had, I have a right to know that I have a daughter?" He tried a second question, and this time his voice was not only strong, but also loud, louder than he himself liked. But how was he supposed to keep his emotions under control?
"That's neither the time nor the place to discuss this, Mac," the woman who was finally turning around to face him answered, mixed emotions, anger and sadness and fear, evident in her tone.
"No. You're right. The time would have been three years ago!"
"Mac. Please," she begged, and he breathed in deeply. She was right. This wasn't the right place for such a discussion. And this wasn't him speaking, but his anger. Neither was acceptable. Not for him.
Motioning to follow him, he walked to the next crossroad, not far away from where they had been standing, and looked out for a cab. Surprisingly enough, he indeed spotted one and headed straight for it, Stella on his heels. She didn't argue when he named his home address as destination; she knew it was their best choice at the moment, better than any public place.
-I-I-
They entered his apartment around twenty minutes later. Mac offered a drink and Stella chose a glass of water; it was as if the emotionality of the evening had dried her out and she was desperate to get at least a bit of the liquid her system seemed to lack back. Even though she knew it was a matter of psychology, not physiology.
They sat down in his living room, she on the couch and he on a chair opposite her, and looked at each other; simply watched the other, without saying anything. It seemed to be their new refrain - silence. Just not the comfortable kind they used to share during their long years of friendship.
Staring at each other, thinking, and hearing the clock tick - it was all they did for uncounted minutes. Although they both were sure it were more hours than minutes. In the end, it was Stella who found the courage to start talking.
"I know I owe you an explanation... probably more than that. I'll try to explain as much as I can, so please, Mac, let me finish." She breathed in deeply before beginning her story. "I found out that I was pregnant about two weeks after I had left New York. I thought missing my period was a result of all the emotional and physical stress, and save for a very few times, I was one of those lucky women who never had the problem of morning sickness. To say I was shocked when the doctor told me is probably an understatement, and at first I didn't know what to do. I was sure I wanted to have the baby, but other than that...
"I know I had no right to not tell you, to keep you from your daughter. But... you didn't... you didn't love me, and I couldn't stand the thought of seeing you on a regular basis, not at that time at least. I was too hurt. Besides, everything went well, and the New Orleans office offered a lot of help. Not long after Eleni was born I stopped thinking of me as a single parent. Me and her, we were a family. We didn't need anyone else." Stella paused for a moment, looking at him thoughtfully. "She's very much like you, you know. She's intelligent and thorough, more than a child at her age should be. And she certainly knows how to keep the lab in check whenever I take her to work with me." She gave a short laugh, but then grew serious again. There was, however, Mac noticed, this touch of fondness, of love, never leaving her eyes while she was talking about her daughter.
Their daughter.
"You are named as her father in her birth certificate. Even though I didn't tell you, I... it might not have been fair, but I made sure she would be taken care of should anything happen to me." Now Stella's voice was merely a whisper, and the man sitting in the chair across from her had to strain his ears to understand her words.
So many things to ask and say roamed in his mind, but in the end, he couldn't have possibly found the right words - or whatever qualified as right words. He didn't even know where to start. After he had used the ride to his apartment to get his anger under control, make it vanish, he now felt... numb.
He spends a night with the woman he considers his best friend. Then she leaves the city; never calls and never responds to any attempt of getting in touch. She reappears after three years, and tells him that he is the father of a two year old girl, a girl looking just like her mother - apart from those piercing blue eyes.
There were no classes in school teaching one how to deal with something like that. No courses at the military academy, or in the police trainings. Not even his parents had ever found it necessary to prepare him for a moment like this one, a situation in which he would be knocked out by news that were normally considered to be happy ones. Surely they were, for him at least, as he had always wanted children. But then...
He knew he was going around in circles, and certainly not forward, with the same thoughts repeating in his head over and over again, but he still couldn't really understand what had just happened. Yesterday, he had only been a crime scene investigator and scientist, a widower who barely dated and, since the death of his wife, had hardly ever committed himself to a new relationship; a man who lived for his work and was dedicated to solving crimes, catching criminals, making the city a bit safer. He was someone who cared for his team, but didn't have many, if any, friends outside the lab. And yes, he was someone who missed his best friend of more than a decade, the one who had left and was never to be heard of again - until now.
And just like that, everything that had his life defined for about twelve years was declared null and void in a matter of seconds, the seconds it took for the information that he was a father now to reach his brain.
"What does her name mean?" Minutes had gone by, maybe hours, before his mind came up with the simple question, sounding so innocent, yet somehow heavy with meaning.
"It's Greek for light of the sun. Sunshine, if you want."
"It suits her."
"Yes, it does," she breathed. Breaking their eye contact, Stella looked down at her hands, joined in her lap. For a moment, the silence returned. Then he heard her whisper: "I'm sorry." She looked up again, straight into his eyes, hers filled with unshed tears. "So sorry, Mac."
And something inside of him clicked. He jumped up and the last thing he saw was her slightly shocked, but mostly confused expression before he pulled her into his arms and held her as tight to him as possible.
TBC
Part One - Burning - here
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The summer was warm, but not too hot. They all were thankful for it; strangely enough, there always seemed to be a connection between the rise of temperatures and crime rates. So as long as the thermometer stopped between 85 and 90 degrees, it was just fine with New York's crime investigators.
It didn't however, appear to be fine with Taylor's mind. He slowly began to doubt himself - or his sanity, for that matter. At first he thought he was seeing ghosts. He would spot chocolate curls vanishing around a corner, or an all too familiar elegant figure walking on the sidewalk across the street. But whenever he looked closer, she was gone. He suspected that the amount of work and the lack of sleep and free time, plus now the heat, was slowly driving him insane, and opted to take some days off. But then Flack stormed into his office.
"Mac! I've seen Stella today!" he announced. And nothing was able to hold Mac back anymore.
Looking for one person in a city like the Big Apple surely was everything, just not easy. But he had known Stella for over ten years, and he knew her favorite places. When she came back to the city for a holiday, she would choose familiar places to go to, of that he was sure.
Still, it surprised him that he found her so quickly.
She was sitting in a small café they'd often visited together; where they had shared a coffee during a long work day or a snack at lunch. It wasn't that far away from the lab, and secluded enough that it never was too crowded. They had their own very special brand of cookies Mac remembered Stella had loved, had almost been addicted to. Sometimes he had bought her one and given it to her while she was tied up with work at the lab, and every single time his reward had been one of her bright, happy smiles...
Mac shook his head, interrupting his own thoughts. Three years ago he had let her leave, so now definitely wasn't the time for fond memories.
She didn't notice him until he was standing right in front of her table. Only then she looked up - and a thousand emotions played across her features as their eyes locked. Seconds, minutes even went by, before she finally began to speak.
"Hey, Mac," she said, and the smile she offered, one that wasn't bright and happy anymore, but sad and tired, burned itself into his mind. Gone seemed the woman he had once known. She looked exhausted, worn out, and her eyes were devoid of the sparkle that once used to be so prominent in the rich green.
"Stella," he simply greeted, and he couldn't hold back a suspicious look towards the little girl sitting beside her. Still, he decided against asking about her for the time being. "How are you?" She gestured towards the chair across from her, and he sat down.
"Fine... got a lot of work, but managed to take a few days off. Missed New York," the dark-haired woman answered shrugging, and the child with equally dark curls beside her tugged at her sleeve.
"Mommy?" the little one piped up, and for just a few seconds, Mac's world spun dangerously, leaving him so dizzy it took him a moment to recover. She had a daughter. The girl was her daughter. He didn't know what he had thought who the child was, whom she belonged to - if he had thought anything at all. Probably he hadn't. That Stella had a daughter, however, was... shocking.
"What is it, matya mou?" But the girl didn't answer; she only looked at him, the question mark almost visibly forming on in her face. What was forming on Stella's face, though, was clearly visible - uncertainty. She looked at her daughter and then at Mac, and back to the little girl beside her, obviously fighting for the right words. And Mac wondered what part of the answer was bothering her. "That... is Mac Taylor. He wa-" Hesitation, just for a moment. "He is a friend. Um, Mac, this is Eleni."
The child smiled shyly when Mac offered his hand, but then grabbed it with her smaller, cookie-crumbs covered one. She greeted him with a "Hello.", and the man responded with the same greeting, carefully shaking the little hand. Stella watched the scenery thoughtfully and with a hint of pain in her eyes, he noticed.
They sat together for a long while and tried their best to find the right words, to have an actual conversation, but even if they hadn't been trained investigators it wouldn't have been hard to realize that the past three years had formed a rift between them. Where once words had flowed easily whenever they shared a private moment away from crime scenes, dead bodies, and forensics, there now was a struggle for every single short sentence.
"How did you find out I was here?" Stella eventually wanted to know after some time of much thinking in silence and less talking.
"I thought I was seeing you, but at first believed I was only imagining things. It's been three years, after all," he began to explain, and she was surprised to hear no reproach in his voice. "But then Flack came into my office today and told me he had seen you and I knew... I had to look for you."
"I see." She paused momentarily, searching for the right words. "Listen, Mac..."
"Stella...," he began at the same time, and they both stopped. He waited for her to continue, but she only shook her head. "I think the team would be happy to see you. It probably has already made its round that you're here; I doubt Don kept it to himself."
-I-I-
Danny and Lindsay Messer, now proud owners of a nice single family home, invited the whole team to an impromptu welcome party as soon as they heard that Stella was back in town.
Cheerful Hellos were exchanged, and Stella lost count of how often she was hugged; it definitely was more than once by everyone attending their little come together. They were enthusiastic to see her, and even she, despite never contacting them in three years for good reasons, was now happy to see her "family" again. The attention, however, soon went to Eleni, who, after initially looking shy, if not frightened, easily wrapped the whole team around her little finger.
The Messers had quickly prepared some snacks; but food was the last thing on everyone's mind - and that even though their jobs didn't allow them regular breaks to satisfy a rumbling stomach and they normally took every chance they got to eat something. And so while Lucy Messer and Eleni happily munched miniature versions of sausages, the adults were too busy with talking to do more than occasionally pop a finger food piece into their mouth.
Information on how Stella now lived, what New Orleans was like, if she had nice colleagues, and if crime was different down there, was demanded, and Stella told patiently about her new life, wisely leaving out everything that was too personal. Not that it kept certain people from pressing on the one or the other subject.
"So... who's the lucky guy who has two such beautiful ladies in his life? Do we know him?" Flack wanted to know a good while into the evening, and a mischievous grin played on his face. He completely ignored Sid reproachfully hissing his name as he expectantly looked at Stella. The woman in question coughed slightly to buy herself some time, momentarily caught off guard by this direct approach, before going for an evasive answer.
"Ever the curious one, Don."
"That's what makes me so good." His expression changed from mischievous to winning. "So?" If possible, his grin became even wider when Stella leaned close to him. She spoke in a low voice, pretending that she didn't want the others to hear her words, but still it was loud enough so that everyone was able to get a good idea of what she was saying.
"I know you're very good at keeping secrets, Don Flack."
"Absolutely." His voice was as conspiratorial low as hers.
"And so am I." She leaned back and laughed as Flack looked a bit dumbfounded for a second, and the rest joined her in her laughter.
No one noticed that the only person at the table who didn't laugh was Mac.
Conversation went on easily, and the team talked about old times as well as they shared stories of the past three years. On Stella's suggestion, even Jo joined the group later this evening. The two women got along well from the moment they shook hands, and chatted animatedly; mostly about their work of course. All the while Stella did her best to avoid everything that was too Mac-related, which wasn't that easy, as her successor of course wanted to exchange stories about their experiences with the boss.
In the end it was Lindsay who saved Stella, guiding their talks into a less dangerous direction, bringing up semi-general topics everyone was able to relate and share own thoughts to. Stella thanked her friend silently; she hadn't missed Linds watching her curiously from the first second of their reunion, and she knew there were still some questions to come up later.
As midnight was slowly approaching, the group had left the table to gather in pairs and trios in different parts of the room. Stella took the chance to pull Lindsay aside, knowing that now was the best time as ever to try and shed some light on some things.
"Linds... I'm sorry I never called back. I just... I just couldn't." She refrained from continuing when the younger woman held up her hand.
"It's alright, Stella. I was sad and kind of angry at first, but... I think I understand now." Lindsay looked past her for a moment, thoughtfully so, and when Stella followed her eyes, she spotted Mac, talking to Sheldon and Sid. Stella swallowed hard. She should have guessed that if anyone, the girl from Montana she always had a special connection to would figure it out - what was behind her behavior, her disappearance - behind her sudden motherhood. "Hey," the brunette then continued, "how about Danny and I look after Eleni tonight and... you two", she nodded slightly into Mac's direction, "talk to each other properly?" Lindsay offered quietly so the others wouldn't hear it. "It seems Eleni and Lucy are friends already," she pointed at the children, still playing despite the late hour, and laughed lightly, "and I'm positive that she'll be fine a night without her mum."
Stella hesitated for a moment. She didn't have any doubts about letting her daughter stay overnight at the Messer home; but she wasn't so sure if she was ready to talk to Mac. To face him alone, without her daughter at her side, without people around them like in the café earlier that day - without anything protecting her from the inevitable conversation they would have to have anyway.
They would have to have anyway.
There was no way to hide - and no reason either. She owed it to Mac to tell him everything. She had been a coward long enough.
"Maybe it's not such a bad idea," she finally sighed. "Thanks, Linds."
"Always."
-I-I-
They left the house together in silence after saying goodbye to the rest. No one asked or wondered why those two left alone, why Eleni stayed behind, or why Stella, as the one the party was given for, was the first one to go. They simply accepted it, and Stella as well as Mac where thankful for it. After all, the co-workers were also friends - and they knew each other well. Well enough, at least.
As soon as they had left the house and walked a bit down the street, Mac stopped her. Questions had been burning in his mind since he had found her with the little girl beside her in that café, and more so since he knew the child was her daughter. He had kept to himself the whole time, contemplating and brooding, trying to think through everything; but every time he came up with only one likely scenario.
"Stella. Eleni... how old is she exactly?"
"Two years, Mac. Why?"
"Two years? Or maybe a bit more?" His eyes were almost pleading her to tell him the truth. And she knew that he by now had guessed at least half of it; even if she had wanted to, she wouldn't have had a chance to keep it a secret anymore. And she didn't want to, either. So she closed her eyes and sighed before she answered him, not bothering to pretend she didn't know what was on both their minds.
"What makes you think-"
"You're no woman to sleep around, or go to bed with any man you barely know. And I'm sure that after our night..." His voice trailed off when she turned away from him, trying to hide the tears threatening to leave her eyes; tears he had already seen.
"Stell...," he said gently and she cringed at his use of the short form of her name she hadn't heard in years. "Is Eleni... my daughter?"
She could have sworn that every sound around them died down. The only thing she heard was his breathing - although he was standing a few steps away from her, it was so loud that she wanted to cover her ears. Still standing with her back to him, one of her hands covered her mouth while the other supported her elbow, and she pressed her arms into her, like something inside of her wanted to forbid her to breathe. She could feel him waiting for her answer, but she let half a lifetime pass before she felt strong enough for one simple word:
"Yes."
-I-I-
He was a father.
He was father of a little, no more than two year old daughter. There was a life, partly created out of his flesh and blood, and she had been walking the earth for two years without him even guessing that there may be was such a life, such a child.
Mac hadn't gone through so many emotions in such a short time since Claire's death. In fact, apart from the moment he had learned of his wife's death twelve years ago, he had never felt a wave of emotions like this one. Not even when his father had died, or friends and colleagues. If he was honest, this was bigger than every single one of these events. This was his child.
Had his world spun before when he had learned that the girl was Stella's daughter, it now raced and left him breathless, with a mind clouded with countless thoughts he couldn't even start to sort through. He vaguely grabbed the memory of his father talking about grandchildren on his deathbed. He saw the pictures rushing by, pictures of him and Claire, sadly looking at a negative pregnancy test. He watched himself with children he met during investigations, and how he dealt with them. He remembered the thoughts and emotions when he learned that Claire had a son. He felt again the collection of hopes and wishes for a child of his own, and how they were destroyed on that fatal September day in 2001. He relived the understanding that he would never have children, as he was sure he would never again meet a woman he was ready to have them with, and how that understanding nearly ate him alive.
In the end, he came up with the probably stupidest - to his mind - question of all:
"Why didn't you tell me?" To his own ears, he sounded weak, shocked, shaken. In one second, everything had changed. Being robbed of someone by death was one thing. You had to deal with your grief, maybe with guilt, but when you were lucky, you would find someone to help you through that time, help you back on your feet and go on with your life. But when a new life suddenly, out of nothing, was added to yours, and you... you only got to know about it by chance...
Mac knew the stages of shocked and confused lay behind him. Now came the anger. It welled up inside of him and he was barely able to control it. It was his daughter. And he had already lost two years of her life. He hadn't been there at the day she was born, didn't hear her first scream, her Hello to the world, didn't see her take her first steps, didn't hear her first words. It was his loss. And no one would ever be able to give back to him the time he had lost with his daughter.
When Stella didn't answer him, his anger grew. They were standing in the middle of an empty street at night, surrounded by single family houses, but despite all his good manners, he didn't care if anyone would hear them.
"Don't you think I had, I have a right to know that I have a daughter?" He tried a second question, and this time his voice was not only strong, but also loud, louder than he himself liked. But how was he supposed to keep his emotions under control?
"That's neither the time nor the place to discuss this, Mac," the woman who was finally turning around to face him answered, mixed emotions, anger and sadness and fear, evident in her tone.
"No. You're right. The time would have been three years ago!"
"Mac. Please," she begged, and he breathed in deeply. She was right. This wasn't the right place for such a discussion. And this wasn't him speaking, but his anger. Neither was acceptable. Not for him.
Motioning to follow him, he walked to the next crossroad, not far away from where they had been standing, and looked out for a cab. Surprisingly enough, he indeed spotted one and headed straight for it, Stella on his heels. She didn't argue when he named his home address as destination; she knew it was their best choice at the moment, better than any public place.
-I-I-
They entered his apartment around twenty minutes later. Mac offered a drink and Stella chose a glass of water; it was as if the emotionality of the evening had dried her out and she was desperate to get at least a bit of the liquid her system seemed to lack back. Even though she knew it was a matter of psychology, not physiology.
They sat down in his living room, she on the couch and he on a chair opposite her, and looked at each other; simply watched the other, without saying anything. It seemed to be their new refrain - silence. Just not the comfortable kind they used to share during their long years of friendship.
Staring at each other, thinking, and hearing the clock tick - it was all they did for uncounted minutes. Although they both were sure it were more hours than minutes. In the end, it was Stella who found the courage to start talking.
"I know I owe you an explanation... probably more than that. I'll try to explain as much as I can, so please, Mac, let me finish." She breathed in deeply before beginning her story. "I found out that I was pregnant about two weeks after I had left New York. I thought missing my period was a result of all the emotional and physical stress, and save for a very few times, I was one of those lucky women who never had the problem of morning sickness. To say I was shocked when the doctor told me is probably an understatement, and at first I didn't know what to do. I was sure I wanted to have the baby, but other than that...
"I know I had no right to not tell you, to keep you from your daughter. But... you didn't... you didn't love me, and I couldn't stand the thought of seeing you on a regular basis, not at that time at least. I was too hurt. Besides, everything went well, and the New Orleans office offered a lot of help. Not long after Eleni was born I stopped thinking of me as a single parent. Me and her, we were a family. We didn't need anyone else." Stella paused for a moment, looking at him thoughtfully. "She's very much like you, you know. She's intelligent and thorough, more than a child at her age should be. And she certainly knows how to keep the lab in check whenever I take her to work with me." She gave a short laugh, but then grew serious again. There was, however, Mac noticed, this touch of fondness, of love, never leaving her eyes while she was talking about her daughter.
Their daughter.
"You are named as her father in her birth certificate. Even though I didn't tell you, I... it might not have been fair, but I made sure she would be taken care of should anything happen to me." Now Stella's voice was merely a whisper, and the man sitting in the chair across from her had to strain his ears to understand her words.
So many things to ask and say roamed in his mind, but in the end, he couldn't have possibly found the right words - or whatever qualified as right words. He didn't even know where to start. After he had used the ride to his apartment to get his anger under control, make it vanish, he now felt... numb.
He spends a night with the woman he considers his best friend. Then she leaves the city; never calls and never responds to any attempt of getting in touch. She reappears after three years, and tells him that he is the father of a two year old girl, a girl looking just like her mother - apart from those piercing blue eyes.
There were no classes in school teaching one how to deal with something like that. No courses at the military academy, or in the police trainings. Not even his parents had ever found it necessary to prepare him for a moment like this one, a situation in which he would be knocked out by news that were normally considered to be happy ones. Surely they were, for him at least, as he had always wanted children. But then...
He knew he was going around in circles, and certainly not forward, with the same thoughts repeating in his head over and over again, but he still couldn't really understand what had just happened. Yesterday, he had only been a crime scene investigator and scientist, a widower who barely dated and, since the death of his wife, had hardly ever committed himself to a new relationship; a man who lived for his work and was dedicated to solving crimes, catching criminals, making the city a bit safer. He was someone who cared for his team, but didn't have many, if any, friends outside the lab. And yes, he was someone who missed his best friend of more than a decade, the one who had left and was never to be heard of again - until now.
And just like that, everything that had his life defined for about twelve years was declared null and void in a matter of seconds, the seconds it took for the information that he was a father now to reach his brain.
"What does her name mean?" Minutes had gone by, maybe hours, before his mind came up with the simple question, sounding so innocent, yet somehow heavy with meaning.
"It's Greek for light of the sun. Sunshine, if you want."
"It suits her."
"Yes, it does," she breathed. Breaking their eye contact, Stella looked down at her hands, joined in her lap. For a moment, the silence returned. Then he heard her whisper: "I'm sorry." She looked up again, straight into his eyes, hers filled with unshed tears. "So sorry, Mac."
And something inside of him clicked. He jumped up and the last thing he saw was her slightly shocked, but mostly confused expression before he pulled her into his arms and held her as tight to him as possible.
TBC