some dreams were meant to be declined.
I've started to realize how ridiculous dreams are and how unfair our society has made life for us.
and all i'm going to get from the insurance company is $500. that's it. Why? why when we're paying thousands of dollars a year do we only get $500 when it wasnt even my fault? Because all the insurance companies got together and came up with "no fault insurance" so one insurance company wouldnt have to loot out all the dough. Even though i only had PLPD on my car, it seems to me that we should get WAY more money back than $500 considering all of the money we've payed toward insurance for my car that hasnt been used... which would be all of it. how does this make sense? How are the ends susposed to justify the means in this situation? I suppose i have the republicans to thank for this rule. Apparently people who cant just go out and buy a new car werent considered when this was created. Or maybe they were, but those in power of the situation didnt give a fuck.
Thank you for making my, and my family's life harder so your greedy fucking ass can be richer, i really appreciate it.
Aside from this, i was thinking about how events lead up to the point of the accident. I could have walked to the party with my roomates, but naomi and i wanted taco bell, plus had to pick up booze, so we just decided to drive there. Toward the end of the party, Naomi almost got a ride home from someone else, but decided to ride with me instead because i was soon to leave as well. We drove past naomi's house but decided we wanted to grab some checkers and talk about what happened during the party before we called it a night. We made it a block past her house when we were hit.
could this have been avoided? But isnt it kindof ridiculous to avoid doing extra things in fear of something happening?
And when it happened i remember watching the paramedics check naomi and pry her out of the car, i felt so alone. I had myself, and the shoulder of a random girl in a pink wig who happened to be a bystander that cared enough to let me cry on her.
I came to a few epiphanies that night. Why am i so frustrated? Why can I not comprehend why things in my life are the way they are? Why are people so disposable?
This made me think about how my every single angle in my life has changed so durastically in the past 3 years through a decending sucsession of events.
I came to Grand Rapids with a mission and i brought the things with me that meant the most. Myself and Vince. I shut myself off from the things i didnt want to surround myself with. Alma and my father. I tried to change my life, i wanted to live the dream. I wanted to finally feel the love i worked so hard at, the only thing that meant a shit in my life. Being with Vince meant something to me that i've never had before, someone who actually cared for me gave me love that nobody has ever given me before. So i took this and ran as far and as fast as i could with it until i blindly snapped the chain links. I had the dream engraved into my brain so deeply that i couldn't coil myself away from it. I still have trouble accepting the fact that dreams never come true.
The things that make me happy, the things i always want but never have. The people in my life i strive to be close to only to be denied. The people who are too interested in their own life that they shut the rest of the world out of it. The people that smile and nod while you talk who arent actually listening. They're thinking about what they want to say next while they wait for you to stop talking.
I do believe that you need to learn to love yourself before you can love another person. However, how long can you keep yourself company until you realize how alone you are?
How long can you think that you know everything until you realize you know nothing? How long does it take for you to forget again that you know nothing?
All at once i feel as though everything i've worked up to in my life has dissinergrated. Those i've cared about, dont want me caring about them, and those who do care about me, cant fill this void.
Today i was crossing Monroe Center where a boy who wasn't a day past 16 stood on the corner with an older, middle aged woman. The boy was holding a long, bright white cane which told me that he was blind. I was anxious to cross the street but hesitated. I waited for a moment when a car pulled close to the corner and proceeded to drop someone off. I heard the woman that was with the boy say "hear that?" the boy says "yes" she continues, "that was a car stopping, oh, but looks like she was just dropping someone off" the boy casually responds with "ohh, okay." This told me that the boy must have been blinded recently. But he sounded so accepting.. this blew me away. For the moment that i shared with him on the sidewalk, i could tell that he was content with his state, and he was trying to make the best of it that he could.
I have all these ridiculous emotions, worrying about why i'm not loved, when there are people out there who, if anyone ever falls in love with them, they'll never even see their face. What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with this perception?
i'm not sure if anything can necessarily be "wrong" or "right" at this point. I know where i've been, but i'm not sure why. I dont know where i'm going, because i refuse to plan it. I think things are better that way.
Some things are meant to remain unknown.
and all i'm going to get from the insurance company is $500. that's it. Why? why when we're paying thousands of dollars a year do we only get $500 when it wasnt even my fault? Because all the insurance companies got together and came up with "no fault insurance" so one insurance company wouldnt have to loot out all the dough. Even though i only had PLPD on my car, it seems to me that we should get WAY more money back than $500 considering all of the money we've payed toward insurance for my car that hasnt been used... which would be all of it. how does this make sense? How are the ends susposed to justify the means in this situation? I suppose i have the republicans to thank for this rule. Apparently people who cant just go out and buy a new car werent considered when this was created. Or maybe they were, but those in power of the situation didnt give a fuck.
Thank you for making my, and my family's life harder so your greedy fucking ass can be richer, i really appreciate it.
Aside from this, i was thinking about how events lead up to the point of the accident. I could have walked to the party with my roomates, but naomi and i wanted taco bell, plus had to pick up booze, so we just decided to drive there. Toward the end of the party, Naomi almost got a ride home from someone else, but decided to ride with me instead because i was soon to leave as well. We drove past naomi's house but decided we wanted to grab some checkers and talk about what happened during the party before we called it a night. We made it a block past her house when we were hit.
could this have been avoided? But isnt it kindof ridiculous to avoid doing extra things in fear of something happening?
And when it happened i remember watching the paramedics check naomi and pry her out of the car, i felt so alone. I had myself, and the shoulder of a random girl in a pink wig who happened to be a bystander that cared enough to let me cry on her.
I came to a few epiphanies that night. Why am i so frustrated? Why can I not comprehend why things in my life are the way they are? Why are people so disposable?
This made me think about how my every single angle in my life has changed so durastically in the past 3 years through a decending sucsession of events.
I came to Grand Rapids with a mission and i brought the things with me that meant the most. Myself and Vince. I shut myself off from the things i didnt want to surround myself with. Alma and my father. I tried to change my life, i wanted to live the dream. I wanted to finally feel the love i worked so hard at, the only thing that meant a shit in my life. Being with Vince meant something to me that i've never had before, someone who actually cared for me gave me love that nobody has ever given me before. So i took this and ran as far and as fast as i could with it until i blindly snapped the chain links. I had the dream engraved into my brain so deeply that i couldn't coil myself away from it. I still have trouble accepting the fact that dreams never come true.
The things that make me happy, the things i always want but never have. The people in my life i strive to be close to only to be denied. The people who are too interested in their own life that they shut the rest of the world out of it. The people that smile and nod while you talk who arent actually listening. They're thinking about what they want to say next while they wait for you to stop talking.
I do believe that you need to learn to love yourself before you can love another person. However, how long can you keep yourself company until you realize how alone you are?
How long can you think that you know everything until you realize you know nothing? How long does it take for you to forget again that you know nothing?
All at once i feel as though everything i've worked up to in my life has dissinergrated. Those i've cared about, dont want me caring about them, and those who do care about me, cant fill this void.
Today i was crossing Monroe Center where a boy who wasn't a day past 16 stood on the corner with an older, middle aged woman. The boy was holding a long, bright white cane which told me that he was blind. I was anxious to cross the street but hesitated. I waited for a moment when a car pulled close to the corner and proceeded to drop someone off. I heard the woman that was with the boy say "hear that?" the boy says "yes" she continues, "that was a car stopping, oh, but looks like she was just dropping someone off" the boy casually responds with "ohh, okay." This told me that the boy must have been blinded recently. But he sounded so accepting.. this blew me away. For the moment that i shared with him on the sidewalk, i could tell that he was content with his state, and he was trying to make the best of it that he could.
I have all these ridiculous emotions, worrying about why i'm not loved, when there are people out there who, if anyone ever falls in love with them, they'll never even see their face. What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with this perception?
i'm not sure if anything can necessarily be "wrong" or "right" at this point. I know where i've been, but i'm not sure why. I dont know where i'm going, because i refuse to plan it. I think things are better that way.
Some things are meant to remain unknown.