I'm so sorry
I'm not sure if this is going to work. I've never done an LJ cut before.
11-24-09
Dear J,
Well it has been a little over a month since you passed and it was a very long month. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to see all those people again; especially the ones I decided to never talk to unless it was something important? Don’t get me wrong, you were very important, but it was still very hard. Kristi told me that you refused to let anyone see you at the end. You know, I talked to Heather about an hour before you died and was going to call and see about coming to see you. When I found out, I had just left my English class and was walking out of the library, I just broke down because I never got to say goodbye.
There are days when I think that you’re going to get on the computer to talk, than I remember you’re gone. I’m sorry that, after junior year, we stopped talking as much. I am also sorry that I never said goodbye. I hated that the last thing I said, before your birthday, was something about the airbrushed tattoo that I got on the 4th of July. I have had a real tattoo in mind basically since the Christmas after we found out about your cancer; now all I have to do is find the time and the money to get it. It has changed over the years but this tattoo is going to remind me of you always.
Remember the name that you an Eli gave to me back in 7th grade from The Hot Chick. When I saw Eli at your memorial and funeral, I was reminded of that name; “It’s Me, Jessica.” Even after the end of middle school, you still continued to use that in almost every class that we had together, sophomore year. I would pretend to always be mad at you, even though most of the time I laughed with you about it.
This week is Thanksgiving and it reminded me that we first found out about your cancer the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I remember heading into Ms. Dewar’s room, thinking that we had either gotten in trouble or were getting rewarded for something. I never thought that the announcement would have to deal with you and cancer in the same sentence. You were always the one to play sports and I knew how much you loved football and hockey; if only I would have known about the hockey sooner. All I could think about that day was how my great aunt died of cancer that eventually traveled to her brain. The school told us that they felt it better if they told our class first before telling the whole school at a special prayer service we were having that day.
I remember when you came back to school to finish sophomore year out with the rest of us. I was so happy that you were in most of my classes because it meant I could spend more time with you. We had Physical Science, American History, Art, English 10, and whatever sophomore religion class started in January. I remember just sitting in Art class while you were working on your pottery and I was working on my moon/sun chair.
When junior year started, I saw you a few times and I saw you leave the homecoming dance early; a few days after that you weren’t in school anymore. Ricky then told our Anatomy class that you were having a sponge that they accidentally left in during the last surgery, removed. Everyone was looking forward to seeing you come back to school after Easter, when you didn’t come, I had my mom call Gabe’s mom (Margret) to find out what was going on. My mom then told me that you had an infection that caused you to end up in the ICU in Ann Arbor.
In August, before senior year, everyone was talking about you returning for senior year. But about one week before school starts, Gabe’s mom called and told us that you had almost lost your battle and that you wouldn’t be back in school for a while. I was really happy when we started planning a surprise 18th birthday party for you. When the day of the pep rally, football game, and the surprise party, came I was so excited because I hadn’t talked to you or seen you in a while. You were so surprised to see that your entire class and some of your teachers had done something for your birthday. I also remember Mr. Bisel handing you, your navy blue football jersey for senior year, even though you hadn’t played since freshman year. The one thing that scared me was that you were so pale and were still continuing to lose weight, which made your clothes just hang off of you. That night, you looked so happy to be back on the football field with everyone there.
I remember hoping that you’d come to graduation, but when they announced your name and said that Jimmy would be accepting it for you. I also hoped that you would make an appearance at one of the graduation parties that I went to or even mine; but that didn’t happen either. I decided to write this letter now instead of when you first died because I was so angry, hurt, and upset. Like I said earlier, I want to say that I’m sorry for so many things that I should have said earlier. Let’s just say I’m mad but won’t be for much longer. I could never stay mad at you for very long. You’ve probably seen this, since you’re up there watching over us, but someone else got a tattoo, but mine is going to be so different. I guess that I just wanted to say I love you, I miss you, and goodbye for now.
~It’s Me Jessica~