and now for something completely different..
well I still suck at life but at least I managed to work out, make an appointment for a physical and get a crime report. Hrm. People want to drink and watch movies tonite. Tomorrow I shall porch and also drink and salsa. Not too shabby. However there are a few things that remain out of place. I neeed to email my rents to tell them what shit I need from home. I also need to do my physics warm up probs. And recopy my notes from cell. mm there is a mountain to move for that class. I really am not doing super well. I need to pick up the pieces like woah if I want to salvage an okay grade. Physics remains as frustrating and utterly uninteresting as ever. How the hell am I supposed to improve that shit? My goal is to get 2 As and 1 B. but I need to work out that second A so far. I think that if I do well on the rest of cell there may be a chance. I will have to rock the lab as well though. As for physics if I can get Bs on the tests then maybe there is a chance I need to continue to rock homework and lab quizzes though. Hmm. It looks like I am fucked. Sigh. I really haven't put in the proper effort though so I guess I deserve what I get. I am still feeling out of sorts. Its just kind of like nothing really makes me happy anymore. I mean there are things that make me temporarily happy but then when I turn back to my life in general its thoroughly unsatisfactory. First of all I am still feeling a backlash from winter. I feel like I have no ability to succeed at anything hard anymore. I look back on my past efforts and I see that I don't have the same kind of motivation anymore. I think about how much I studied for phys eco and about how much I actually enjoyed it and I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I go to lectures and I can't wait to leave I come back here and I don't know what to do with myself. It's a vicious cycle. As far as social stuff goes I am just kind of floating along. I do have plans to do several things that will be fun but at the same time I don't feel like those things are giving my life meaning and shape. Another thing that is rubbing me in completely the wrong way is the fact that I have no job this summer. I felt like finally it was time in my life where others would start to take me seriously and I would be given an opportunity to work on what I want to do in the future. The fact that this hasn't worked out has crushed me. I feel like this is my chance to really progress in my life and the thought of sitting in TC and not doing anything worthy of a resume is utterly disappointing. I wanted a little more independence this summer I wanted to continue to push myself into where I am going. This is really hard. As a result I haven't even tried to work on other job opportunities and I suck. Finally the other area of my life that is continuing to frustrate and intimidate me is the dating bit. I don't know what I want and whenever I get close to having something I always back off and lose interest. I keep taking peeks into my supposed future and I really can't ever see these issues resolved. I try not to think about it but it keeps haunting me. I feel once again like I will never be in that moment when things are great but rather that I will always be the one looking on as someone else enjoys their moment and all I am left feeling is envy for how lucky those people are. Like this weekend, we went to this bar and these bands were playing some funk music and it was pretty cool. And we were up in the crowd enjoying the music for a while and then after a bit we went to sit at the side tables. And the band played some cheesy song that everyone knew and I sat there and watched the couples dance ridiculously and I could see how happy they were and I was like that could be me out there having a great time if I only had someone to dance with. But of course I didn't and so I sat there and watched them. Heather was with me and it reminded me of something she said once 'there go the cool kids, do you ever think we'll be one of them?' this isn't high school anymore. There shouldn't be any designated cool kids but there still are, and they really aren't all that cool even, but it's still like I have an invisible barrier blocking me from enjoying life like they do.
.sometimes I think the cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom and then turn and climb again.