(no subject)
i don't remember the last time i've felt this empty. i haven't even practiced my flute in days. i just don't feel like it. i'm too sad.
we cleaned my aunt's house today and i found pages and pages in a notebook filled with what goes to who. every picture and every sweater willed to someone in her loopy handwriting. we found a bag in her drawer that says "funeral under clothes". i wonder how long that has been sitting there. i wonder how long she's been ready to die.
on the way to her house we passed a cemetery and my stomach did a flip. she'll be there in a week or so...next to her mother and her husband. part of me wants to save her from it. from the dirt and the insects. i never want to be buried. ever. i believe it's morbid and a waste of space, but then i realize i'm a horrible person to even think that. it just seems so unfair that a lady as wonderful as my great aunt jean has to suffer. she's confused and can't move and is getting thrown from the hospital to the nursing home because she doesn't have enough money. no one cares. how can someone go from a beautiful bride with bright red lipstick doing the jitterbug to a helpless baby all over again? i'm sick of hearing about death. i'm sick of crying. and there is nothing i can do except pray.
p.s.
dear scotty b,
i hope you have fun in the big house where the entire marching band plays their horns like L7 weenies. way to slap emu in the face. professional choice blah, blah, BLAH. they may be bigger and louder, but we have just as much heart and just as much drive. i hope that when we step onto your field, you feel it. i also hope you enjoy your boosted salary, because you're leaving a family for a few more bucks. i really hope it is worth it to you. i really, really do.