Watching Kindergarten Cop

Vix: This film is really, very, shit.
Jess: No!No! Watch this bit, the ferret bites him! Hahaha!

ferret launches comedically at hammy bad guy

Vix: Yeah, just cos you have it on DVD.
Jess: Jesus, no, the last time I saw it was at the pictures with my Dad when I was about 8.
Vix: He probably took you to see it to teach ( Read more... )

Used for nasal inhalation only in the prevention or treatment of fainting

Or for sticking right up your nose and blowing your gawd damn eyeballs out. I love 'em. Guaranteed to make you look either like a fragile Victorian lady of the manor, or Vicky Pollard on Bostick.

We had set up a sniffer dog investigation in the office. I went to the car park to meet the officer and his dog. The officer stepped out of the van, head to foot in black and Kevlar, handcuffs on his belt and muscles rippling. He took my arm and pulled me closer to the door of the van, and handed me a pair of surgical gloves. He grinned. I pulled ( Read more... )

This weekend I went paintballing. I started off with a hangover so bad I could hardly stand up, let alone engage in desparate suicide missions in the dog-shit strewn woods of Hockley Heath. But then... someone shot me in the ribs and I didn't violently puke down the inside of my mask, and I knew then that I was going to love it.

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Write down your first response to each of these words (don't spend time thinking - just your gut reaction please):1.Cigarette: thanks ( Read more... )

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Yesterday, I suddenly remembered that my landlord had left me a message requesting a viewing of my house, and realised that my housemate was going to be asleep in bed, due to the dreaded Night Shift of fable, at the arranged viewing time ( Read more... )

Already broken only New Year's Resolution.

Back on the wagon like last year it is then.

...but my hoover is still knackered.

Me and my big mouth.

1. Got told to pack up and leave my house
2. Broken my car
3. Broken my hoover
4. Got fired
5. Eaten a Pot Noodle.

Altogether now..."Things! Can only get better!"