(no subject)
so, i didn't sleep at all. i just stayed up and watched the real world 7. danny is the coolest. i swear. that has to be the greatest season. and while watching it, i did a lot of thinking. and i'm starting to..regret not making this friends-only. only because..i'd like to speak freely but i don't know if i want some things about other people out. i don't know if they're appriciate it and i don't want to hurt them or make them feel vonerable or anything. so, for protection of this person, their new name will be "citizen". some of you probably already know who this is but whatever. ok. well. citizen is fucking amazing. and they know that. but i am still troubled. i've lied to them by covering up how i truely feel. and i know that this person could be really great for me and healthy and make me happy but things don't always work out. and i look on tv at a real couple and see how damn happy they can be and the feelings from each of them are mutual and i don't really understand. i mean, i do. i just hate having to be in this side of it. i guess it's bad from both sides. all these positions are uncomfortable. for a while i thought that i actually loved citizen. how fucking..i don't know. i feel so stupid saying that i love someone in a passionate way. only because i haven't really before. i may have said so, but i haven't grown close enough to someone to love them like that. and i probably don't love citizen but i am afraid that i will and if i feel anything more than i feel now i won't know what to do with myself. it will be scary. only because the feelings are not mutual and i can't be that person for citizen and that rips me apart. i want to be. i want to make them happy in a certain way.
i could be so much for someone. i'm an open door.