the end of 2009.
i passed out close to 10pm and can't sleep any more. i'm tried of constantly "working" on the end of 2009 survey, the one i do before every new year. i've tried to sit down and complete the damn thing in one fell swoop countless times, and it's always been at the back of my head taunting me so i think now's the time to end this once and for all!
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
from all that i can recall:
graduated from UPS with a BS degree, kayaked, moved to seattle, lived with a man unrelated to me, lived with three (which later turned into four) cats, gay pride in vancouver BC, planned ideas for the stranger’s amateur porn contest, bought my first bike, hiked up mountains (mount si as a first ever, thanks lizzard), bought my first pair of (reeeally nice slash expensive) hiking boots, rode everywhere i could to build up my self-confidence on a bike, worked and held down three jobs at a time for five straight months, worked at the point defiance aquarium, was politely “fired” from pdza after 3rd day, visited modesto, danced! in a bunch of gay clubs, was dumped, blew chunks after drinking tons (technically 2008 because this happened on nye), realized i had a best friend just as i was about to lose her, chased demons, experienced that horrible stomach-dropped-i’m-now-going-to-blow-chunks feeling, played the role of the “crazy and depressed and delusional ex-girlfriend”, kissed a boy, conscientiously gave up consuming alcohol and coffee excessively (after many failed attempts and horribly scary morning-afters), puked in a bar (i hate myself), went tubing on the sacramento delta, camped in yosemite, camped along the olympic peninsula, attended a wedding where i actually knew the bride and groom (first amanda+kurt, and then mariam+ben), attended first bridal shower and bachelorette party (made me so aware of how i was so critical of its heteronormativity…), planned mariam’s bachelorette party with roscoe, jai ho-ed with ben and mariam in place of their first dance, karaoke-d, stayed at a real sweet spa retreat in monterey, dumpster dove for food, got food stamps to eat properly, lost my health care insurance, lost my auto insurance coverage, james bought me a netbook, became a mini-donut whore, went to and camped out for sasquatch, worked with internmatch and qux media , snuck a minor into a bar and was “that” friend, got contacts, performed in rdg, paying back my school loans, finally got treatment for my muscle spasms in my shoulders and back with the help of a physical therapist and chiropractor, won bar trivia night, late night dipping in american lake, held back terrible secrets for and from friends involved in situations i do not condone but who am i to judge them? i still feel horrible about this, dressed in drag, bought my own car insurance!, promoted to manager after only 2 months of working at the birkenstock store.
[edit: WA residency]
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
“i don't remember doing this survey last year but it was a good year for me. i want to take all the questions and lessons i've learned from this past year and use them to make next year even better. i have honestly never felt like i've questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2008 but at the same time i think i held myself back a lot of the time too. i have my relationships and some specific classes to thank for encouraging me to grow more in this way. i want to find myself again.”
haha now i can answer and say i’ve honestly never felt like i’ve questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2009. i know i lost sight of this lofty goal right as the new year started; i was devastated by my experiencing a huge sense of loss that was not unlike the time my family moved away from silver lake. i allowed myself to just wallow in the all the emotions i felt and didn’t hold myself back at all, which is good and bad in a lot of different ways. i became a crazy bitch sometimes and acted in really irrational ways toward certain individuals but in a way, i had to rid myself of those types of relationships and to lose it all before i could gain what i was seeking. i found parts of myself through 2009, and i’m skeptical about ever really finding myself as a whole. part of me thinks i won’t get there until i reach the very end of my days, when i finally have all the collective parts before me.
for 2010, i look forward to learning to trust people and to be a happy dana again. i want to move along because that’s all i can do. i would like to find peace with and to love myself unconditionally, before i hand the same type of attention to another person. i will fight against the painful past and being fearful of the future by remembering and trying to live purely in the present moment. i have my hopes set on my rainier summit and a possible bike tour of vietnam. i want to take all i’ve learned to make 2010, to finally close up the loose ends and finish the few drawn-out chapters of my life that have kind of run off tangent. those books need to be shut for now and put away when i want to revisit them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
i came back from australia after the new year but that was it. traveled to modesto and san fran with alicia, vancouver BC with jay for pride.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
“well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational.”
that’s what i wanted for 2009 but i know i pushed that away and just shut down completely this past year. i really gave up and was just too sad, i allowed it to fester and offered up myself completely to it in order to sustain that very sadness and hurt in me. i lost a sense of trust and hope and faith in life, in people and honestly didn’t feel like putting up the effort or strength to refocus it all until the summer and a little onward. i see 2010 more of an appended extension of 2009, but in a good way. i want to move on from that painful place i began to build up all through 2009 and continue to distinguish between the fine line of really taking care of myself vs. pushing people away/isolating myself. i want to feel happy again, i want to feel less scared and less skeptical of the world around me. i want to forgive and to let go, i want to live for the present moment, i don’t want to worry so much about the future or to lament about the past, i want to remember how i used to be: self-reliant, strong, rational, caring, just content. i started 2009 by realizing what i had and remembering what i valued in my life: the amazing opportunity to meet and briefly reconnect with my family in australia and the journey to explore my family’s history, a relationship with a woman i deeply cared about but failed to express those feelings effectively, last semester of undergrad study and went on to question what the hell was i doing with my life, what exactly is family?, who are my real friends? and what am i asking of them?, how do i deal with a breakup and this powerful sense of rejection?, how can i change the way i relate to different folks as time changes us all?, where do live?, how do i meet people in a new city when i’m out of school and not working?, started the year off with this great big sense of empowerment and determination and hope to change for the better but was quickly knocked facedown to the ground and just not knowing how/wanting to get back up again. only when i realized i had basically lost most everything that was ever significant to me, i also discovered i had so much more to gain.
like i said before, it was not unlike 2003 and having to deal with change that i did not bring about myself, much less ask for. i was just so unprepared for my comfortable world to be shaken up. both times only hurt as much as they have because of their perfectly horrible timing. but that’s only where deep introspection and some of life’s greatest lessons are learned and hopefully used to improve most of what lies ahead.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
1/18 - the end.
5/17 - graduation (what a disastrous day/weekend for me, my family, poooor mariam, and all others who can relate to what i’m talking about)
12/12 - mariam and ben’s wedding.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? (no order)
1.) still breathing
2.) graduating from UPS
3.) making it on my own in seattle after graduating, whew
4.) biking on my own
5.) hiking (especially mt. si)
6.) manager promotion
7.) going back to counseling
9. What was your biggest failure? (slash double-edged swords)
1.) forgetting how to love and take care of myself/loving too much.
2.) pushing others away in order to focus on myself.
3.) all my ugly mistakes especially the ones i made under the influence of shit.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
mostly in my head, major heartbreak. uhh i was also pretty deathly ill when the swine flu scare was floating around.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my hiking boots, my bike!, all monday night bowling games at chalet, books NOT related to school, counseling, ticket to socal for mariam and ben’s wedding, all tickets to socal.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
no one yet most everyone. i don’t really know, we’re all fucked up and flawed. i saw that so clearly this year with so many close friends but i also saw folks overcome the negatives too.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
the dissolving relationship with linden, everything (yes) that reminded me of the past, the cheating business in the summer, uganda kill the gays bill, the backbone-less democratic party, graduation fiasco, my parents (still) thinking i don’t love them as one main explanation to my stay in the pacnw after graduation, family relations, life after school question mark. i think i hit the key players.
14. Where did most of your money go?
see #11 again, happy hours, paying back school loans, airplane tickets/traveling.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
biking, mt. rainier summit, vacations to san fran/modesto and later to LA in the winter time, mariam and ben’s wedding.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
ugggh, too many. lady gaga, that’s for sure. i started my songs of 2009 cd tracklist, kinda like the best of 2009 only not really, these songs just had some place in my 2009 life. i’d offer you a copy but i doubt you’d enjoy the depressing tunes hah.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? earlier this year = saaaa-dder like whoa. now i’m mostly okay, less stressed.
ii. thinner or fatter? i don’t know for sure but i’d bet thinner, yes.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer, monetarily speaking. i want to believe i’m richer in my wealth of knowledge and self-awareness.
iv. more established? less grounded but i’m really learning to welcome it for almost the first time ever. but i also feel like i’m starting to think about where i’m laying my foundations all over again. the ends of a lot of different and extremely important life experiences but the beginnings of some potentially big ones too.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
“recognizing and acknowledging the way i feel, remembering who i am and what that means in relation to all the ones i love the mostest. staying strong, not forgetting so much. ask for help. not letting things get to me so easily. saving, working harder.”
i’ll only add to this from 2008: BE MORE RATIONAL. remember my three C’s: stay cool, calm, and collected. i will work and certainly hope that i’m happier in 2010.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
“as usual: crying, moaning/bitching/whining, overthinking, being scared, crying, hiding, lying, procrastinating, being unmotivated, thinking i can change the people around me, spending so much time looking for answers and the truth, spending so much dough, feeling the need to be in control of everything.”
also adding to 2008 response: i don’t want to say i wish i’d done less crying/of being depressed/going through the motions/isolating myself/stagnation/feeling extremely selfish and self-involved etc., even though i really want to and those answers come to mind immediately (obviously), but i think i had to do what i had to do at those specific times in my past year and they all seemed like the right options then.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with emiline’s family in woodinville, eating super healthy and local+organic foods, vegging out, playing board games!, talking about my family, unwrapping gifts, twirling paper art haha.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
quite the contrary. i had to teach myself to fall out of love and to put myself first again.
23. How many one-night stands?
i made some mistakes while super drunk but i obviously don’t recall so technically still zero in my head?
24. What was your favourite TV program?
mad men!, the rachel maddow show, countdown with keith olbermann, the office, planet earth series, nova, pbs specials, anything on logo when i'm at my folks' house haha like rupaul's drag race yesss. i still haven’t opened my season 6 of the l word, i think i’m avoiding it like the plague. caroline agrees, and says its ok.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don’t hate anyone now, but there were times throughout the year that i just could not stand people, i was skeptical and strongly disliked/feared spending time with folks. that’s weird for me to say now because i’ve never felt that way before, not in this lifetime.
26. What was the best book you read?
name all the animals, monkey king, catfish and mandala.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
blitzen trapper, maria taylor, the avett brothers, matt nathanson, lady gaga, plus the 20+ cds that kate burned for me…i’m just naming most everything i listened to.
28. What did you want and get?
finished UPS, staying in the pacnw instead of going back to socal, free time (towards the 2nd half of the year) to do as i please outside of work and school and other commitments, a bike.
29. What did you want and not get?
other than my school loans to magically disappear? to grow from 2008.
“well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational.”
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
forgetting sarah marshall, up. haha.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 22, and alicia came up to visit. she and sean surprised me with a cake they made themselves right behind my back; i asked that my friends join me with the friends of julia’s gulch to help pull out invasive blackberry bushes at the gulch. afterwards we all went to the fremont solstice parade, napped at gasworks, and had a fantastically delicious dinner at café flora. then we camped at scenic beach state park with a great view of the olympic mountains. i do love my friends:)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more understanding, always. less anger and confusion, less sadness and resentment. less dwelling on the past.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
i couldn’t care less, i had more important issues on my plate.
34. What kept you sane?
i wasn’t a majority of the time, that’s the problem. i did find music, biking, hiking, writing, talking to people who (to me) appeared to care remotely about what i was yapping about, all helped me feel a little more like a sane person.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
rachel maddow. rupaul. *gigglez*
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the uganda kill the gays bill.
37. Who did you miss?
me. + everybody and nobody.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
i got to know jayjay better, and thanks to her i got to meet tj and carole, paul, emiline, lizzard, meeks, charles (in a way), the three ambassadors to modesto, and thomas + all the random strangers with whom i had very insightful conversations. i also got to formally meet carina and learned about the horrible high school secrets between she, duck, evan, and i from mariam.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
"hard work DOES pay off…eventually. surround yourself with the right people and good things will come from that. you will both be able to help each other out. sometimes people arent who you really think they are but the real truth in people takes time to uncover. sometimes, its worth the wait and effort to get to know people for who they really are. its not necessarily a good or bad thing, its just a learning experience overall."
i forgot when i wrote that and i’m too lazy to backtrack and check but i feel the same way right now, a little bit. i'd just append to it: real change and answers don't come from truth alone. one has to acknowledge the truths, come to terms with it, and learn from it in order to see some worthwhile results. (did i write or copy that from somewhere else? it sounds redundant but meh). more importantly though, change is inevitable, time changes people. i shouldn’t fight off what i fear instinctively, learn to understand and grow from it. don't ever forget who you are, be strong. remain strong and independent, remember invictus. communication is key. discovering myself, my family, culture, and history...it'll always be a never-ending learning process but that’s what makes life fun and worthwhile.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i always hate choosing just one of anything and especially for this section, it’s way too hard. so i sorta cheated, i’m citing two of my favorite ringtones from this past year. both the lyrics and music sum up the two major types of feelings of 2009:
maria taylor - clean getaway
i made my place by the door, i didn’t know what i was waiting for. it felt just like home, except no grass, no yard, no picture hung.
i could see across to the park and there were friends, they were laughing hard. they looked just like my own, with no face, no name, no voice i know.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i met someone at the bar. he had a great smile and a great heart. it felt just like love, except no fear of losing and it wasn’t tough.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
and i miss you, i miss you every single day.
matt nathanson - all we are
i tasted, tasted love so sweet, and all of it was lost on me. bought and sold like property, sugar on my tongue.
i kept falling over, kept looking backward, i went broke believing that the simple should be hard.
all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
i wasted, wasted love for you, trading out for something new. well, it’s hard to change the way you lose if you think you’ve never won.
‘cause all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
and in the end, the words won’t matter ‘cause in the end, nothing stays the same. and in the end, the dreams just scatter and fall like rain.
‘cause all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful, something real.
all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
i erased everything minus the copied texts, started and ended it the way it was supposed to be done prior to jan 1, 2010, and i feel reeeeally good now. good luck if you choose to read it all haha, i hope you feel as good as i do currently after expunging all that...stuff.
it is now 5.54am = i can try to sleep again.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
from all that i can recall:
graduated from UPS with a BS degree, kayaked, moved to seattle, lived with a man unrelated to me, lived with three (which later turned into four) cats, gay pride in vancouver BC, planned ideas for the stranger’s amateur porn contest, bought my first bike, hiked up mountains (mount si as a first ever, thanks lizzard), bought my first pair of (reeeally nice slash expensive) hiking boots, rode everywhere i could to build up my self-confidence on a bike, worked and held down three jobs at a time for five straight months, worked at the point defiance aquarium, was politely “fired” from pdza after 3rd day, visited modesto, danced! in a bunch of gay clubs, was dumped, blew chunks after drinking tons (technically 2008 because this happened on nye), realized i had a best friend just as i was about to lose her, chased demons, experienced that horrible stomach-dropped-i’m-now-going-to-blow-chunks feeling, played the role of the “crazy and depressed and delusional ex-girlfriend”, kissed a boy, conscientiously gave up consuming alcohol and coffee excessively (after many failed attempts and horribly scary morning-afters), puked in a bar (i hate myself), went tubing on the sacramento delta, camped in yosemite, camped along the olympic peninsula, attended a wedding where i actually knew the bride and groom (first amanda+kurt, and then mariam+ben), attended first bridal shower and bachelorette party (made me so aware of how i was so critical of its heteronormativity…), planned mariam’s bachelorette party with roscoe, jai ho-ed with ben and mariam in place of their first dance, karaoke-d, stayed at a real sweet spa retreat in monterey, dumpster dove for food, got food stamps to eat properly, lost my health care insurance, lost my auto insurance coverage, james bought me a netbook, became a mini-donut whore, went to and camped out for sasquatch, worked with internmatch and qux media , snuck a minor into a bar and was “that” friend, got contacts, performed in rdg, paying back my school loans, finally got treatment for my muscle spasms in my shoulders and back with the help of a physical therapist and chiropractor, won bar trivia night, late night dipping in american lake, held back terrible secrets for and from friends involved in situations i do not condone but who am i to judge them? i still feel horrible about this, dressed in drag, bought my own car insurance!, promoted to manager after only 2 months of working at the birkenstock store.
[edit: WA residency]
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
“i don't remember doing this survey last year but it was a good year for me. i want to take all the questions and lessons i've learned from this past year and use them to make next year even better. i have honestly never felt like i've questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2008 but at the same time i think i held myself back a lot of the time too. i have my relationships and some specific classes to thank for encouraging me to grow more in this way. i want to find myself again.”
haha now i can answer and say i’ve honestly never felt like i’ve questioned and challenged myself more than i did in 2009. i know i lost sight of this lofty goal right as the new year started; i was devastated by my experiencing a huge sense of loss that was not unlike the time my family moved away from silver lake. i allowed myself to just wallow in the all the emotions i felt and didn’t hold myself back at all, which is good and bad in a lot of different ways. i became a crazy bitch sometimes and acted in really irrational ways toward certain individuals but in a way, i had to rid myself of those types of relationships and to lose it all before i could gain what i was seeking. i found parts of myself through 2009, and i’m skeptical about ever really finding myself as a whole. part of me thinks i won’t get there until i reach the very end of my days, when i finally have all the collective parts before me.
for 2010, i look forward to learning to trust people and to be a happy dana again. i want to move along because that’s all i can do. i would like to find peace with and to love myself unconditionally, before i hand the same type of attention to another person. i will fight against the painful past and being fearful of the future by remembering and trying to live purely in the present moment. i have my hopes set on my rainier summit and a possible bike tour of vietnam. i want to take all i’ve learned to make 2010, to finally close up the loose ends and finish the few drawn-out chapters of my life that have kind of run off tangent. those books need to be shut for now and put away when i want to revisit them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope.
5. What countries did you visit?
i came back from australia after the new year but that was it. traveled to modesto and san fran with alicia, vancouver BC with jay for pride.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
“well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational.”
that’s what i wanted for 2009 but i know i pushed that away and just shut down completely this past year. i really gave up and was just too sad, i allowed it to fester and offered up myself completely to it in order to sustain that very sadness and hurt in me. i lost a sense of trust and hope and faith in life, in people and honestly didn’t feel like putting up the effort or strength to refocus it all until the summer and a little onward. i see 2010 more of an appended extension of 2009, but in a good way. i want to move on from that painful place i began to build up all through 2009 and continue to distinguish between the fine line of really taking care of myself vs. pushing people away/isolating myself. i want to feel happy again, i want to feel less scared and less skeptical of the world around me. i want to forgive and to let go, i want to live for the present moment, i don’t want to worry so much about the future or to lament about the past, i want to remember how i used to be: self-reliant, strong, rational, caring, just content. i started 2009 by realizing what i had and remembering what i valued in my life: the amazing opportunity to meet and briefly reconnect with my family in australia and the journey to explore my family’s history, a relationship with a woman i deeply cared about but failed to express those feelings effectively, last semester of undergrad study and went on to question what the hell was i doing with my life, what exactly is family?, who are my real friends? and what am i asking of them?, how do i deal with a breakup and this powerful sense of rejection?, how can i change the way i relate to different folks as time changes us all?, where do live?, how do i meet people in a new city when i’m out of school and not working?, started the year off with this great big sense of empowerment and determination and hope to change for the better but was quickly knocked facedown to the ground and just not knowing how/wanting to get back up again. only when i realized i had basically lost most everything that was ever significant to me, i also discovered i had so much more to gain.
like i said before, it was not unlike 2003 and having to deal with change that i did not bring about myself, much less ask for. i was just so unprepared for my comfortable world to be shaken up. both times only hurt as much as they have because of their perfectly horrible timing. but that’s only where deep introspection and some of life’s greatest lessons are learned and hopefully used to improve most of what lies ahead.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
1/18 - the end.
5/17 - graduation (what a disastrous day/weekend for me, my family, poooor mariam, and all others who can relate to what i’m talking about)
12/12 - mariam and ben’s wedding.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? (no order)
1.) still breathing
2.) graduating from UPS
3.) making it on my own in seattle after graduating, whew
4.) biking on my own
5.) hiking (especially mt. si)
6.) manager promotion
7.) going back to counseling
9. What was your biggest failure? (slash double-edged swords)
1.) forgetting how to love and take care of myself/loving too much.
2.) pushing others away in order to focus on myself.
3.) all my ugly mistakes especially the ones i made under the influence of shit.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
mostly in my head, major heartbreak. uhh i was also pretty deathly ill when the swine flu scare was floating around.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my hiking boots, my bike!, all monday night bowling games at chalet, books NOT related to school, counseling, ticket to socal for mariam and ben’s wedding, all tickets to socal.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
no one yet most everyone. i don’t really know, we’re all fucked up and flawed. i saw that so clearly this year with so many close friends but i also saw folks overcome the negatives too.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
the dissolving relationship with linden, everything (yes) that reminded me of the past, the cheating business in the summer, uganda kill the gays bill, the backbone-less democratic party, graduation fiasco, my parents (still) thinking i don’t love them as one main explanation to my stay in the pacnw after graduation, family relations, life after school question mark. i think i hit the key players.
14. Where did most of your money go?
see #11 again, happy hours, paying back school loans, airplane tickets/traveling.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
biking, mt. rainier summit, vacations to san fran/modesto and later to LA in the winter time, mariam and ben’s wedding.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
ugggh, too many. lady gaga, that’s for sure. i started my songs of 2009 cd tracklist, kinda like the best of 2009 only not really, these songs just had some place in my 2009 life. i’d offer you a copy but i doubt you’d enjoy the depressing tunes hah.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? earlier this year = saaaa-dder like whoa. now i’m mostly okay, less stressed.
ii. thinner or fatter? i don’t know for sure but i’d bet thinner, yes.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer, monetarily speaking. i want to believe i’m richer in my wealth of knowledge and self-awareness.
iv. more established? less grounded but i’m really learning to welcome it for almost the first time ever. but i also feel like i’m starting to think about where i’m laying my foundations all over again. the ends of a lot of different and extremely important life experiences but the beginnings of some potentially big ones too.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
“recognizing and acknowledging the way i feel, remembering who i am and what that means in relation to all the ones i love the mostest. staying strong, not forgetting so much. ask for help. not letting things get to me so easily. saving, working harder.”
i’ll only add to this from 2008: BE MORE RATIONAL. remember my three C’s: stay cool, calm, and collected. i will work and certainly hope that i’m happier in 2010.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
“as usual: crying, moaning/bitching/whining, overthinking, being scared, crying, hiding, lying, procrastinating, being unmotivated, thinking i can change the people around me, spending so much time looking for answers and the truth, spending so much dough, feeling the need to be in control of everything.”
also adding to 2008 response: i don’t want to say i wish i’d done less crying/of being depressed/going through the motions/isolating myself/stagnation/feeling extremely selfish and self-involved etc., even though i really want to and those answers come to mind immediately (obviously), but i think i had to do what i had to do at those specific times in my past year and they all seemed like the right options then.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with emiline’s family in woodinville, eating super healthy and local+organic foods, vegging out, playing board games!, talking about my family, unwrapping gifts, twirling paper art haha.
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
quite the contrary. i had to teach myself to fall out of love and to put myself first again.
23. How many one-night stands?
i made some mistakes while super drunk but i obviously don’t recall so technically still zero in my head?
24. What was your favourite TV program?
mad men!, the rachel maddow show, countdown with keith olbermann, the office, planet earth series, nova, pbs specials, anything on logo when i'm at my folks' house haha like rupaul's drag race yesss. i still haven’t opened my season 6 of the l word, i think i’m avoiding it like the plague. caroline agrees, and says its ok.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don’t hate anyone now, but there were times throughout the year that i just could not stand people, i was skeptical and strongly disliked/feared spending time with folks. that’s weird for me to say now because i’ve never felt that way before, not in this lifetime.
26. What was the best book you read?
name all the animals, monkey king, catfish and mandala.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
blitzen trapper, maria taylor, the avett brothers, matt nathanson, lady gaga, plus the 20+ cds that kate burned for me…i’m just naming most everything i listened to.
28. What did you want and get?
finished UPS, staying in the pacnw instead of going back to socal, free time (towards the 2nd half of the year) to do as i please outside of work and school and other commitments, a bike.
29. What did you want and not get?
other than my school loans to magically disappear? to grow from 2008.
“well i will have the knowledge from living and my choices in 2008. i'd like to actually execute some of the plans i talked and thought about so passionately in the past year, like some reconciliation or closure, something, with my parents; a more developed/applied sense of appreciation, understanding, and respect for all i've learned in 2008. basically to be able to put everything back in action again. always more money, sadly, to save more of it. to not be so afraid of fear itself, but rather to embrace and recognize all that i am and that i feel. to ask for help when i need to. to talk more and more honestly. driving less. posters up on my wall and finish decorating my room. stay rational.”
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
forgetting sarah marshall, up. haha.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 22, and alicia came up to visit. she and sean surprised me with a cake they made themselves right behind my back; i asked that my friends join me with the friends of julia’s gulch to help pull out invasive blackberry bushes at the gulch. afterwards we all went to the fremont solstice parade, napped at gasworks, and had a fantastically delicious dinner at café flora. then we camped at scenic beach state park with a great view of the olympic mountains. i do love my friends:)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more understanding, always. less anger and confusion, less sadness and resentment. less dwelling on the past.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
i couldn’t care less, i had more important issues on my plate.
34. What kept you sane?
i wasn’t a majority of the time, that’s the problem. i did find music, biking, hiking, writing, talking to people who (to me) appeared to care remotely about what i was yapping about, all helped me feel a little more like a sane person.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
rachel maddow. rupaul. *gigglez*
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the uganda kill the gays bill.
37. Who did you miss?
me. + everybody and nobody.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
i got to know jayjay better, and thanks to her i got to meet tj and carole, paul, emiline, lizzard, meeks, charles (in a way), the three ambassadors to modesto, and thomas + all the random strangers with whom i had very insightful conversations. i also got to formally meet carina and learned about the horrible high school secrets between she, duck, evan, and i from mariam.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
"hard work DOES pay off…eventually. surround yourself with the right people and good things will come from that. you will both be able to help each other out. sometimes people arent who you really think they are but the real truth in people takes time to uncover. sometimes, its worth the wait and effort to get to know people for who they really are. its not necessarily a good or bad thing, its just a learning experience overall."
i forgot when i wrote that and i’m too lazy to backtrack and check but i feel the same way right now, a little bit. i'd just append to it: real change and answers don't come from truth alone. one has to acknowledge the truths, come to terms with it, and learn from it in order to see some worthwhile results. (did i write or copy that from somewhere else? it sounds redundant but meh). more importantly though, change is inevitable, time changes people. i shouldn’t fight off what i fear instinctively, learn to understand and grow from it. don't ever forget who you are, be strong. remain strong and independent, remember invictus. communication is key. discovering myself, my family, culture, and history...it'll always be a never-ending learning process but that’s what makes life fun and worthwhile.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i always hate choosing just one of anything and especially for this section, it’s way too hard. so i sorta cheated, i’m citing two of my favorite ringtones from this past year. both the lyrics and music sum up the two major types of feelings of 2009:
maria taylor - clean getaway
i made my place by the door, i didn’t know what i was waiting for. it felt just like home, except no grass, no yard, no picture hung.
i could see across to the park and there were friends, they were laughing hard. they looked just like my own, with no face, no name, no voice i know.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i met someone at the bar. he had a great smile and a great heart. it felt just like love, except no fear of losing and it wasn’t tough.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
i finally made it, i made a clean getaway.
and i miss you, i miss you every single day.
matt nathanson - all we are
i tasted, tasted love so sweet, and all of it was lost on me. bought and sold like property, sugar on my tongue.
i kept falling over, kept looking backward, i went broke believing that the simple should be hard.
all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
i wasted, wasted love for you, trading out for something new. well, it’s hard to change the way you lose if you think you’ve never won.
‘cause all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
and in the end, the words won’t matter ‘cause in the end, nothing stays the same. and in the end, the dreams just scatter and fall like rain.
‘cause all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful, something real.
all we are, we are…and every day’s a start of something beautiful.
i erased everything minus the copied texts, started and ended it the way it was supposed to be done prior to jan 1, 2010, and i feel reeeeally good now. good luck if you choose to read it all haha, i hope you feel as good as i do currently after expunging all that...stuff.
it is now 5.54am = i can try to sleep again.