not knowing

[jet15]

I was in a sort of bad mood last night and I just wanted to get out of the house so I went down to the park and I was sitting by the river. I did this lots last year because it makes me feel better just being alone. I don't even really know what was bugging me. I just needed to get away. So I was just sitting there thinking and sort of daydreaming

Comments

[iconoclast]

I used to have a thing for my best friend, too. It's really hard because you're so naturally close to them, and you want to take it to the next level. But that's a really risky proposition. One misstep and you can lose them as a friend, too. It's not really worth it to alter the status quo if you have a good relationship with someone, unless you're positive they want to as well.

But at least I can say, I've been there.

[tko_ak]

"Used?"

But yes, the whole falling-for-the-bestfriend thing is hard. Especially if they're straight.

[jet15]

What you said makes me think my feelings for him are because he's my best friend and not because I want a relationship. It's only because I'm starting to think of this other guy that I see that it's different somehow.

-Jordan

[spiritforest]

It's good to have someone in your life like Aly, really glad you have someone like that. We all need alone time, I used to sit in a dark room and put a singular track on the CD on and sit there for hours, we all need to just think sometimes.

Yeah it makes it a million time harder, I don't know if you've said it but there is no doubt you love him, but at the moment I'd say it's still in the moment of love for a friend and you feel if that deepens you could lose everything, but at the same time you do want more and don't know exactly where he stands or what his response would be.

Why don't you invite Bryce round to your house? It's in the way he looks at you, not that he looks, most people if you return a look will look away. The issue of him hanging around at soccer practice is a bit weird.

<3
M

[jet15]

I think my feelings for Alex are just as a friend and I think I was thinking it was more than that. But it can't be because I don't feel that way all the time and most times when we're together I never think about sex.

And I don't think I said it right when I said Bryce was hanging around at soccer practice cuz it made it look like he was there because of me. Lots of kids hang out watching soccer when they are waiting for their ride to pick them up.

-Jordan

[spiritforest]

I would just hope that most relationships don't think of sex most of the time even when the partners are together.

Jordan just the way you have spoken of Alex I'd say your feelings for him were more than friendship, that isn't to say they're romantic or sexual, friendship has so many levels and even a level so deep that your love exceeds that of people in love romantically but there is no sex involved.

Just enjoy his company and if in moments you feel the urge to express yourself sexually with him(even if that is just jerking off together)allow yourself to do so, this is about you and him and both of you being happy and comfortable with what you do together. -HUGS-

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M

[84glyde]

Tough situation. It's good to have friends you can talk to tho! And being able to identify how you're feeling emotionally, physically and spiritually at any given moment is a good practice. Shutting down feelings isn't a good thing, even with the bad ones. I've done it and the result is that other feelings begin to shut down until I couldn't identify if I was feeling anything. I can go on about that if it doesn't make sense, but it'll take some time, lol.

And it's also good you have somewhere to go where you can think and have some alone time. Sometimes it's hard for guys your age to have a place they won't get chased out of.

[chad_13motox]

You have NO idea how much sense that DID make to me. I am there. I have shut myself down so long that I really have no feelings left. I just get up and work waiting to come home and hit the bed again.

As for you Jordan...I told you that my best friend ended up BEING my bf, and the fact that we already knew each other so well made things so much better. But that was long ago... We are still friends, but I have pretty much isolated myself from him too. My fault, not his.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It is just possible that Alex is having the same thoughts about you! He HAS made some really bold moves...

[84glyde]

Glad it was of some help! I kept it short, but there's more to that than I wrote. I'm in a recovery group and learning some of those things.

The problem with turning off the feelings is that after a while, only strong feelings are able to penetrate. That's when people start getting into extreme things, just trying to feel something. The more subtle experiences don't register. That's when the door opens to a lor of addictive and dangerous behavior.

On another note, I went to college @ UMBC for a few years. Transferred to Salisbury, where I grew up, when I hit a snag in the studies. It was cheaper living at home.

Any way I can help further, lemme know!

[jet15]

When you say you "really have no feelings left" I think you should try and change that. There's probly lots of people want to be friends but you don't let them.

take care!

-Jordan

[tko_ak]

Some people have decent gay-dar. Yours might be kicking in

[jet15]

"don't hold onto some society-induced idea that your attraction to guys is going to disappear"
I think THIS really is my problem. I keep thinking if I like girls too then liking guys will disappear. Then I see some guy that's really cute and I start thinking about guys again. I really think now my "feelings" for Alex are not because I have a crush on him. It's like when I first saw him before we were friends I was thinking about sex with him but then we became friends. Somehow the sex feelings I had before made me THINK I had a crush on him. Now I'm starting to think about sex with Bryce and the feelings are diff than what I feel about Alex.

-Jordan

[tko_ak]

Alex is very attractive. Your feelings are more than understandable. And the fact that you've become emotionally attached to him only complicates matters. I speak as someone who has a big crush on his best friend throughout high school.

You like boys. Tell yourself that. The sooner you accept and embrace that, the sooner you'll be happy with yourself. Trust me, I speak from experience. I went through the same stuff. I tried to change, a lot. It doesn't work. Period. Please don't put yourself through it.

Re: EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS!!!!!

[happyhuntnggrnd]

Thanks, I was worried about brian.

Re: EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS!!!!!

[chad_13motox]

I read his last entry, and was actually responding to him when that happened! I hit "submit" and his journal was gone. Talk about timing...sigh. I was going to email him, but I thought better of it after considering what he had said in that last entry.

Re: EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS!!!!!

[spiritforest]

Please let me know when he is back and under which username, as I pressuming he'll have to create a new one, thanks.

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M