The Funeral- Chapter 1: The Visit
The Funeral
Chapter 1
"The Visit"
My vision came back, with Claire’s bedroom in front of me. The sight of actually being in front of her, sent me into a wave of lightheadedness- but a pleasant, welcoming one.
I turned to my side, to see Charles, “How did you do that?”
A smile of wisdom rested on his face, as he looked up at me, “I didn’t do anything, Peter. You knew where to go, all on your own. What you do with your time, is what’s important. Don‘t make a mistake- you’re only allowed one last visit- use it wisely.”
And just like that, he was gone.
Use your time wisely…
I turned back to Claire, she was so beautiful. It hadn’t ever ceased- but it seem magnified now, more intense, like immensely sharpened beauty, that I’d never paid attention to before. Did this changed vision come with being sort of being dead? I hated to admit it, but I knew it was it.
Why hadn’t I told her just how gorgeous she was, when I was alive? Well I had, but it had never been enough. Because what lay before me was beyond what any definition could give. And I had taken all of it for granted. I hadn’t cherished her enough.
With out thinking about it, I took off my shoes and jacket, and got into bed with her. Was it me, or were the sheets softer as well? Her skin certainly was, and that was odd. It had some type of protective barrier against me, that I couldn’t explain- a wall. I could still touch her, feel her, embrace her- but something was keeping me from forming a complete connection.
I laid behind her, and felt her chest rise and fall, in her deep sleep. My hand was trembling, as it rested on her hair, and moved it to the side, so I could close in my lips to her ear.
“Wake up, Claire”, I whispered, in what I hoped was a steady voice. The last thing she needed to see, was that I was scared myself- I owed this to her, I owed her a good, goodbye. Trembling, and with my eyes closed, my lips met her neck tenderly- very careful, not to scare her.
Her response was immediate. The muscles in her back had tensed slightly, and I could see that her breathing had ceased- but before she could move away, I wrapped my arm tightly around her torso, willing her to stay with me.
I didn’t know why- maybe it was me really, realizing that this was goodbye, but my throat tightened, and I closed my eyes, “I love you, Claire.”
She started turning around- it was too soon, I didn’t want her to see the pain that this was causing me. I didn’t want her to see just how much it would kill me to leave her again- because she deserved to be happy. So I did what I knew would make her happy- I plastered a smile on my face, to meet hers.
God, her smile was like my own personal heaven.
Her hands cupped my face in such a quickness, that I had not expected- pulling my to her lips, with immediate need. And it didn’t stop, her force was amazing, it was full of want, and love. It was everything I was feeling, everything that I needed from her too. Then she pulled away for a second, still smiling- and her voice was a whisper, “I knew you'd wake up- they didn't think you would. But I knew you'd be ok.”
My chest was hit with a pang of hurt again, but I didn’t let my smile falter. I couldn’t let her be in pain in our last meeting. My heart was rising then, and I realized that- no. This couldn’t be our end, this couldn’t just be it. I wouldn’t let it, I wouldn’t let go of her. Maybe that was it- maybe if I just hung on to her- maybe if I just wished to my very core to be alive again- it would happen?
I believed it, so I nodded, “And I’m staying here with you.”
She kissed me again, and I welcomed it- anything of her was glorious to me. Our kisses deepened, and I too clung to it, clung to the serene and joyous feeling that she brought me. I could stay like this with her forever, and be content.
“Will you stay with me forever?” her whisper was laced with unnecessary worry. How could I ever refuse such a privileged invitation?
I let my fingers graze over the smooth skin of her cheek, and push back the bangs that were hiding the eyes I had locked that fateful day in Odessa. I smiled, remembering how beautiful I had thought she was. Never had I thought I would be as lucky as to have her as my own, she’d been my very own destiny.
“Forever.”
Claire forced her lips on my own eager ones again, and pinned me down, gracing me with her love. We moved against each other with such grace, and comfort, fitting perfectly to become one. But she pulled apart too soon, and sat up, smiling.
“I’ll be right back. Don’t move, ok?” she ordered.
I had to smile, I loved her power in her command. I nodded then, and she jumped off her bed, racing out of the door.
I let myself fall back against the pillows and closed my eyes for a minute, breathing in deeply. I felt so whole, so complete with her. Even when I had thought I was in love with Simone, she hadn’t brought me this much- feeling. I hadn’t needed her as much as I’d needed Claire.
“I warned you to be careful”, Charles voice spoke next to me, like a father lightly scorning his child after being clumsy.
I turned to look at him, convinced in my power to be with her, “I’m staying.”
He shook his head, and for once, was not smiling at all, “You can’t, Peter. You aren’t part of this world anymore. You’ve made her hold on you stronger, she won’t let you pass.”
“I don’t want to pass! I can stay her with her! Just now, I could hold her, and she could see me, if I just stay here with her forever-”
“You can’t. You promised her something, that you cannot give her. Now she has the illusion that you’re back, that you’ve woken up- and you let her believe it.” For the first time, since I had met Charles, his voice was sharp, “Deep down, you, yourself know that this isn’t real. You can feel that you aren’t part of the living, yet you deluded yourself in the moment, and because of that- there will be consequences for Claire, and yourself.”
I swallowed, “What do you mean?”
He turned towards the door with pity in his eyes, “Go look for yourself.”
Instantly, I stood up, and raced out of her room, following the subtle scent that she‘d left behind, like cookie crumbs for me to follow.
My heart raced against my chest, as I ran down the steps towards the sound of her voice now. She sounded bubbly, happy, even. But then again, why wouldn’t she? I had promised forever.
I finally spotted her, as she passed by a sobbing Heidi. She didn’t stop though, and I kept following her, but slowed down, to try and hug Heidi- only, I couldn’t.
Something wouldn’t allow me to touch her, and even as I stood directly in front of her, she didn’t see me. It was like I was invisible. What was happening? I swallowed, and kept walking, telling myself over and over again, that Claire could see me. She was all that mattered, and she could see me, everything else was just a tragic loss.
She stopped in front my mom. She’d been crying, I could see redness in her puffy eyes, and dried tear streaks with black mascara. I hated to see her cry too, I’d never meant to cause my mom pain. I’d been selfish for years, but I’d always assumed that she was immune to all of it. Now seeing her in any pain of all, made me guilty- hadn’t she seen my death coming anyway?
Claire let out a giggle, and actual giggle in front of my mom, and spoke, “Why are you crying? You should be celebrating!”
She was so happy, that she jumped up on her toes to give my mom a kiss on her cheek, and hug her. But it didn’t help, my mothers cries became louder and deeper. I couldn’t take it, I went up to her, to try and hug her- to make her feel better, but nothing happened. She too had some barrier against me- that wouldn’t let me touch her.
My throat was dry. This couldn’t be happening, I’d promised Claire. I reached out for her, but she had already stepped away, and turned to see a morbid, and stoic Nathan.
He looked worse than my mom and Heidi, if possible. He wasn’t bawling hysterically, but I could see that his eyes were filled with water ready to erupt at any moment.
“What’s wrong, Nathan? Why is everyone crying? Peter’s ok.” She announced happily.
Nathan breathed shallowly, and put his arms on Claire’s shoulders, “Claire- you need to be strong.”
I could see the faith draining from her- evaporating slowly- her smile was gone. And the truth was I didn’t care what Charles had said, I wouldn’t let this be it, I wouldn’t let myself leave her again.
“What are you talking about? What’s going on? Peter’s fine.” But even as she said it, a very small part of her didn’t believe this anymore, and it crushed me.
“Yes. I am fine! I‘m right here.” I let out eagerly in front of her. Just as I’d feared though, she didn’t turn to me, she didn’t meet my eyes- my presence was ignored. I put out a hand to touch her, and I could.
I could still feel the warmth of her skin in my fingers. I wrapped my fingers around her wrist, but my grasp wasn’t the same anymore. I backed away from her, nervously, and turned towards Nathan, as he spoke again, “He's dead, Claire. Mohinder called me this morning- they've transported his body to the morgue-to- they're getting him ready-"
“No!” she screamed, pushing Nathan aside, to race away. She swallowed, as I followed, and I could see her chest moving violently.
She didn’t stop, not even to comfort Heidi, who was still crying, and shaking. Instead, she ran up the stairs, resting her hand on the wall, until she got to her room. Her eyes went directly to her bed, where I was not laying anymore.
“Peter?”
I stood directly in front of her, and mustered all the will power and strength that I had, together, “I’m right here Claire. Right here. Please- please look at me. I know you can see me.”
She passed straight though me. Sprinting towards the bathroom, but shutting it again, when I wasn’t there. She turned around and walked out of her room, all the while calling out my name, and supporting her body on the wall as she hurried down the stairs.
Each time she called my name it was with more desperation, louder, scared- each time I answered she couldn’t hear me. The harder I tried- the softer it seemed that my words came out, until they became a whisper.
When Claire reached the bottom of the stairs, and walked down the hall, until she couldn’t any longer- she fell to her knees, yelling out for me, with Nathan catching her as she fell, in tears, and then everything went black again.