(no subject)
Dear Chuck,
You would have loved today. Seriously. When the minister said “He loved acting. He loved drama.... he loved making people laugh.” it took everything I had not to bust out laughing. Oh man. You did love drama. You need gossip? Go to Chuck. Bored? Ask Chuck to create some drama. And for your final curtain, the house was standing room only. It was wonderful.
The procession to the grave-site was like two miles long. You would have LOVED it. Laughing at all the poor suckers as they’re stuck at lights all up and down Dale Blvd cause they gotta wait for you to go by. And the cops played car tag from light to light. It was really entertaining... I still can’t get over the fact that I never saw the end of the procession.
They had your tap shoes out at the funeral home. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like how they had your waiter’s apron with the pens still in it. It look liked you just took it off, folded it up and put it on the table. Your Seven Brides jacket was out there, too. You should be wearing those things. They shouldn’t be out everywhere. It was nice to see them again... but... I wanted to steal your tap shoes. Or at least the laces. I want to have something more of you. They shouldn’t have been there without you.
But you were there, weren’t you. I felt you. Stupid as that sounds. But when we were all too shy to get up there to speak, I felt you there yelling at us. Kinda like, “Why the hell is no one getting up and talking about me?” Cause if it was any of us, you would have been up there talking about us. But I couldn’t do it there. And I know you’d yell at me for being stupid and that I should grow up and not be a big baby... cause well, you’d tell me that a lot.
I remember the first time I really hung out with you. You didn’t like me much, but you, me and Katherine went to that horrible horrible diner in Crystal City. I had so much fun. I think I snotted a few times. And I finally found someone who laughed at my really stupid jokes and would be straightforward with me. And it was kinda there were our beautiful friendship started.
We went through that whole Nathan thing... We really made it through, didn’t we. It was rough. We had some tears. But we got through the spring and into the summer.
I remember when you lost your license and I had to drive you EVERYWHERE. I hated it. I felt like your personal driver. “What are you doing?” “Um, nothing...” “Can you pick me up?” “Um....” “I have to go to the fabric store.” “I don’t really want to...” “Well, okay, but if you don’t take me, you won’t get costumes.” And I know you hated asking for rides. Sometimes, I really didn’t mind. I actually had a lot of fun. We’d laugh, sing along to something stupid, smoke an insane amount of cigarettes. 7-11 runs for exactly this: hot dogs, dog food, stuff for your dentures and cigarettes. Oh, and magazines. And our pig lighters. Which we brought right over to the Susan and showed EVERYONE. Mine crapped out after like two lights. No more flaming pig nostrils.
There is so much I want to say to you that I really never got to say. How much you meant to me. How you saved me. How sometimes, I hated you so much... but I always always loved you. You would yell at me sometimes... telling me how petty and selfish I was being. And then you’d turn around and do something inexplicably Chuck. And I get mad cause you were a hypocrite. I loved how you hated people. It made me laugh. How you’d bitch and complain and just be funny about it.
I trusted you so much. You aggravated me, but you were my best friend.
There are so many stories I want to tell, but you know them all, don’t you. Your stories were always the best... and the way you told them. With big hand motions, exaggerated voices... you knew how to tell a story and make it interesting. But then again, pretty much everything that happened to you was interesting... like those Arlington cops... ha ha. The most tragic story, but you made it so entertaining and funny.
I was crying so hard today. I don’t want you to be gone. And I realized something. The Susan isn’t the same. I don’t like being there without you. You need to be there. Everything you are... it doesn’t feel like it’s there anymore. You brought something special... and without it, the place feels empty. You were the first face I saw at the Susan and I wanted you to be the last. I wanted to walk away from there and go back to school and know I could come back and you’d still be there.
It hurts me so much know you’re not going to be corporeally there anymore. I think you’ll always be there. You’d totally be chilling with all the ghosts. And you’d be just the guy to come back and haunt me. Cause last time I saw you, I promised I’d call. I never did. I thought about it, I just... I didn’t know what to say. So knowing you, I’ll get this visit from Spirit Chuck to come yell at me for saying I was going to call and never calling.
God, I can’t get over how your tap shoes were there. You taught me how to tap. You were so patient with me. I should have gone up there, grabbed them and run. And as I was running out past the lobby, I’d totally take your Seven Brides for Seven Brothers jacket. Only sucky part was I didn’t drive. I’d kinda be stuck there in the parking lot, holding your taps and jacket in the pouring rain.
And I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never called. I promised. I never did. All last summer, you’d say “We need to hang out. Call me.” And I never did. I’m sorry. I regret that now. But you know what... the last time I saw you, we said our “I love you.” What more could I ask?
I could go on forever. I should stop. You’d probably be hitting me now.
I love you. Please don’t haunt me. You know how I hate ghosts. Just, please, never ever leave my heart. You helped make me who I am today. I can never thank you enough for everything you are.
I love you.