Anonymous Mail
Letter to Matt
Matt is known for sending heavily worded letters of complaint. Tonight we took action against him.
To whom it may concern:
It has been brought to our attention that you have been bombarding a menagerie of reputable institutions* and disreputable businesses** of all varieties and functions, which include ----- but are not limited to ----- Apple and the Office of Residential Life, garrulously querulous --------- not to mention spurious ---------- emails and other forms of communication, which include but are not limited to, postage-bestamped letters and "little postcards," phone calls, and faxes.
----- WE INTEND TO SWAMP YOU WITH THIS EMAIL -----
Your hidden agenda to "stick it to the man" by sending such colonialist communications which include but are not limited to hate mail and other forms of hegemonic harassment with the juglandacious aim of receiving "free stuff". Be ashamED of your Eurocentric self.
You are a bewhiskered nuisance to society and your presence on this earth not only bothers unsuspecting members of human society which include, but are not limited to your "suitemates," but also disturbs their entire existence.
"The worst case of patchwork plagiarism in Anglo-Saxon history and other surreptitious forms of jiggery-pokery." -Great Galloping Gastropods!
Where did that come from?!?
Your prolonged ampersand grievously inconsiderate secretion of, and refusal to continue the manufacture of, bile (Woe upon the unsuspecting and nevertheless majestic children capering and gamboling amongst the frothy meadows and grassy knolls of fair Argentina!) inDEED.
*Walnut Importers of America; The Haiku Institute; The Jumingo Corporation, Ltd., Inc., LSD, STD; et al.
**The American Red Cross; The Salvation Army; The Sixth Church of Huntington; The Bratwurst Lenders of Australia ("Poisoning the minds and livers of the elderly since 1941"); et al.
I belikes it down thar.
Love,
Ruth J. Simmons
The Plotting
A Run-Through of the Letter