Keep up, this'll be a fast one.
I apologize, in advance, because this is emo/crap.
In keeping with a refreshed outlook on life though, it's not love-related or birthday-related emo/crap so if it's any consolation, it's a new type of Louie emo/crap that you probably haven't heard before.
So here goes.
I know rebuilding a friendship from scratch is tough. But I figure, hell, it's got a nice sentimental ring to it - you feel like you're doing the world a cute little favor every time you reaffirm your common friends that, "Don't worry, we're figuring things out." It makes you want to hold hands and sing.
So yeah, I felt nice enough about it because I was expecting really rough patches before we could get through to each other again. I was steeling myself for a particularly ugly confrontation and two grown men crying. But after a while, I was happy to see it probably wouldn't happen. It didn't need to anymore. In fact a couple of days ago, I was particularly impressed that I had a sturdy foothold on my emotions and I wasn't going all over the place. I was even more impressed by the fact that given I am about 65% responsible for us fighting, I wasn't playing like his 35% was a violent crime against humanity, which I know I tend to do. So if only for the purpose of emphasis, I'll say it out loud - things were going fine.
So here's where it fucks up slightly. (And here I have to voice out that probably the only reason this is coming up on LJ is because Trixie got her leg banged up. Otherwise, I'd be talking to her. But she's on drugs and under a lot of stress, so not a good idea. But do get well soon, Trix!!)
He suddenly feels entitled to a favor. On a good day, I'd let that pass but today had NOT NOW, BROTHER written all over it. For one, it was a relatively small favor so if I wasn't asleep when he asked for it, I'd have given it. But I was and it disturbs me how he's too used to having me wait on him that that didn't even warrant any of the niceties of favor-asking.
So I go on defense, I go with a "Well sorry," which was supposed to sound like "Daaaamn well soooorry," but sort of got translated into "I'msorryIcouldn'taccommodateyourneedsimmediatelyohgreatandwonderfulmaster."
Because he goes "It's ok."
And this, this three minute-long text conversation set me back so far. I was working on not hating and now I do and I hate it. I hate emotions. (Which reminds me, I have to focus on my center and feel like a rock.) So now I'm binging because I'm over-emotional, you know, and I have to channel. Like a girl.
And now I don't know what to do. Half of me is worried like hell because how do you fix a friendship when you have such a short fuse with someone who doesn't seem to want to care that much? The other half just wants to get this done and over with because getting inordinately pissed at a guy every single time is just plain tiring. But I do want to fix this, I just really don't know how anymore.
Tangina, someone tell me when I can actually start on my vacation.
WOW. That was so random. That felt nice. I suggest you save yourself the trouble and don't open that cut, it's all bull. I just needed to get it off my chest. And now that I did, it sounds like bull. Which is slightly worse than the emo/crap I promised.
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I'll regret this tomorrow, won't I?
In keeping with a refreshed outlook on life though, it's not love-related or birthday-related emo/crap so if it's any consolation, it's a new type of Louie emo/crap that you probably haven't heard before.
So here goes.
I know rebuilding a friendship from scratch is tough. But I figure, hell, it's got a nice sentimental ring to it - you feel like you're doing the world a cute little favor every time you reaffirm your common friends that, "Don't worry, we're figuring things out." It makes you want to hold hands and sing.
So yeah, I felt nice enough about it because I was expecting really rough patches before we could get through to each other again. I was steeling myself for a particularly ugly confrontation and two grown men crying. But after a while, I was happy to see it probably wouldn't happen. It didn't need to anymore. In fact a couple of days ago, I was particularly impressed that I had a sturdy foothold on my emotions and I wasn't going all over the place. I was even more impressed by the fact that given I am about 65% responsible for us fighting, I wasn't playing like his 35% was a violent crime against humanity, which I know I tend to do. So if only for the purpose of emphasis, I'll say it out loud - things were going fine.
So here's where it fucks up slightly. (And here I have to voice out that probably the only reason this is coming up on LJ is because Trixie got her leg banged up. Otherwise, I'd be talking to her. But she's on drugs and under a lot of stress, so not a good idea. But do get well soon, Trix!!)
He suddenly feels entitled to a favor. On a good day, I'd let that pass but today had NOT NOW, BROTHER written all over it. For one, it was a relatively small favor so if I wasn't asleep when he asked for it, I'd have given it. But I was and it disturbs me how he's too used to having me wait on him that that didn't even warrant any of the niceties of favor-asking.
So I go on defense, I go with a "Well sorry," which was supposed to sound like "Daaaamn well soooorry," but sort of got translated into "I'msorryIcouldn'taccommodateyourneedsimmediatelyohgreatandwonderfulmaster."
Because he goes "It's ok."
And this, this three minute-long text conversation set me back so far. I was working on not hating and now I do and I hate it. I hate emotions. (Which reminds me, I have to focus on my center and feel like a rock.) So now I'm binging because I'm over-emotional, you know, and I have to channel. Like a girl.
And now I don't know what to do. Half of me is worried like hell because how do you fix a friendship when you have such a short fuse with someone who doesn't seem to want to care that much? The other half just wants to get this done and over with because getting inordinately pissed at a guy every single time is just plain tiring. But I do want to fix this, I just really don't know how anymore.
Tangina, someone tell me when I can actually start on my vacation.
WOW. That was so random. That felt nice. I suggest you save yourself the trouble and don't open that cut, it's all bull. I just needed to get it off my chest. And now that I did, it sounds like bull. Which is slightly worse than the emo/crap I promised.
----------
I'll regret this tomorrow, won't I?