(no subject)
I believe I've finally reached the point with the Debbie breakup that the hurt is no longer there.
I decided to listen to the playlist which was going to be the CD I made for her and see how it felt...and found I was able to listen to the songs without feeling the pangs of the lost relationship. It was just music. When the song "Amaranth" came on, I vividly remembered our trip to Maryland and the magic of the moments...but it was a fond memory rather than a mournful reminder.
I read over her final e-mail to me, reviewing the breakup and her reasons for it. That e-mail shaped me as a person for the months that followed, so I've been over its contents -- literal and emotional -- dozens of times in my head since. I've recently found myself arriving at conclusions of my own as to why things worked or didn't, what contributed on her end, etc. and coming to terms with how these all added together to mean that she wasn't the destined soulmate I'd once thought. Reading over the e-mail, she addressed these points one by one and essentially stated many of the conclusions I'd come to on my own.
My initial reaction to the e-mail was a severe drop in self-esteem which snowballed and lasted several weeks; but the subsequent analysis of the relationship resulted in my confidence growing and many lessons -- many unable to be articulated -- being learned. My life has been changed forever in many huge ways because of the relationship's impact.
I started creating this entry with the intent of ending it with lingering sentiments towards Debbie herself...but there's nothing I can say that I haven't already told her -- mostly in my final e-mail back to her. I believe I'm a better person because I was with her and I know that much of my "confidence of steel" of late is based on experience with her; but I also know that it wasn't meant to last any longer than it did and any further attempts at a relationship would end in many of the same or similar problems.
There is no more hurt. There is no more anger, sadness, or resentment. The magic now is in the nostalgia -- and that's all it ever will be or should be.
I decided to listen to the playlist which was going to be the CD I made for her and see how it felt...and found I was able to listen to the songs without feeling the pangs of the lost relationship. It was just music. When the song "Amaranth" came on, I vividly remembered our trip to Maryland and the magic of the moments...but it was a fond memory rather than a mournful reminder.
I read over her final e-mail to me, reviewing the breakup and her reasons for it. That e-mail shaped me as a person for the months that followed, so I've been over its contents -- literal and emotional -- dozens of times in my head since. I've recently found myself arriving at conclusions of my own as to why things worked or didn't, what contributed on her end, etc. and coming to terms with how these all added together to mean that she wasn't the destined soulmate I'd once thought. Reading over the e-mail, she addressed these points one by one and essentially stated many of the conclusions I'd come to on my own.
My initial reaction to the e-mail was a severe drop in self-esteem which snowballed and lasted several weeks; but the subsequent analysis of the relationship resulted in my confidence growing and many lessons -- many unable to be articulated -- being learned. My life has been changed forever in many huge ways because of the relationship's impact.
I started creating this entry with the intent of ending it with lingering sentiments towards Debbie herself...but there's nothing I can say that I haven't already told her -- mostly in my final e-mail back to her. I believe I'm a better person because I was with her and I know that much of my "confidence of steel" of late is based on experience with her; but I also know that it wasn't meant to last any longer than it did and any further attempts at a relationship would end in many of the same or similar problems.
There is no more hurt. There is no more anger, sadness, or resentment. The magic now is in the nostalgia -- and that's all it ever will be or should be.