(no subject)
Today was awful. I woke up feeling alright, but all it took was my brother coming in the room and greeting me before I was ready to be social to aggravate me. I was clearly in no mood to deal with people yet, but I made the mistake of going shopping at the store where I work, so of course everyone felt the need to talk to me. Once I got back home, I started talking to Helen about it and it turned out that she was having a bad day too. Just as she started telling me about it, Bill came in the room and we had a small argument, which caused me to cut Helen off and drown in my haze of discontent.
I've been drowning in a lot of hazes lately. Sometimes, Helen and I will have a great conversation and I'll feel incredibly confident and emotional about her; other times, I'll get to thinking about getting out of the house and I'll become terrified about anything and everything. Sometimes I'm strong and feel I could dive into the world head-on; other times I feel like everything is collapsing around me and I'm next.
I don't like this instability. Today alone, I went from waking up lukewarm to feeling very aggitated, then to angry, then guilty and sad, then to being focused intently on my job, then nearly breaking down crying at work a few times, etc. etc. It scares me and worries me that my emotions vary so much lately. One girl I know goes through phases now and then where she feels distant from herself and almost numb to her emotions; then is like the opposite, sort of drowning in myself with emotional overflow at some of the smallest stimuli.
I need help. I'm starting to lose sight of what's real and valid and what's a paranoid delusion created by my anxiety and magnified by...whatever this is. Helen has been incredibly supportive through all this and reassured me each of the dozens of times I've come to her with it; but that doesn't stop the delusions that she's tiring of me or we're growing apart from coming. I fear losing her, I fear failing at living independently, I fear discovering that my true value as an employee is nothing more than I've earned so far, I fear dozens of things. I need someone to help me go through all these things and sort them out so I might be able to manage them better. This weight that I'm carrying is getting heavier and I don't want to see all things so negatively that I act out and drive them all away.
I've been drowning in a lot of hazes lately. Sometimes, Helen and I will have a great conversation and I'll feel incredibly confident and emotional about her; other times, I'll get to thinking about getting out of the house and I'll become terrified about anything and everything. Sometimes I'm strong and feel I could dive into the world head-on; other times I feel like everything is collapsing around me and I'm next.
I don't like this instability. Today alone, I went from waking up lukewarm to feeling very aggitated, then to angry, then guilty and sad, then to being focused intently on my job, then nearly breaking down crying at work a few times, etc. etc. It scares me and worries me that my emotions vary so much lately. One girl I know goes through phases now and then where she feels distant from herself and almost numb to her emotions; then is like the opposite, sort of drowning in myself with emotional overflow at some of the smallest stimuli.
I need help. I'm starting to lose sight of what's real and valid and what's a paranoid delusion created by my anxiety and magnified by...whatever this is. Helen has been incredibly supportive through all this and reassured me each of the dozens of times I've come to her with it; but that doesn't stop the delusions that she's tiring of me or we're growing apart from coming. I fear losing her, I fear failing at living independently, I fear discovering that my true value as an employee is nothing more than I've earned so far, I fear dozens of things. I need someone to help me go through all these things and sort them out so I might be able to manage them better. This weight that I'm carrying is getting heavier and I don't want to see all things so negatively that I act out and drive them all away.