(no subject)
Helen and I broke up. Yet another (consecutive) relationship that I let myself give all my heart ended in us "just not working" (my words, not hers). What's wrong with me?
She's the type who needs change and newness in her life or she feels trapped (for example, she doesn't want to hold the same job for too long) and she started becoming aware that applied to us as well. In the end, she felt confined by our relationship and the struggle to hold onto herself unchanged for my benefit became too much, so I let her go to avoid hurting her anymore.
I don't even know what to say. I blame myself. She, I thought, was everything I wanted and needed...but I ended up not being what yet another woman needed. She's always said I'm extraordinary and it's not that I'm "not good enough"...But my track record proves to me that I'm not. If I were good enough, I would have been able to advance faster in my career and satisfy Samantha; I wouldn't have lost Debbie's trust; Kayla wouldn't have felt the need to leave me abruptly; and Helen would have felt strongly enough that she wanted to bring me through her changes, not collect me with a particular time in her life and have trouble moving forward with me around. I'd have superceded that. I've gained a lot of really loving friends through all these catastrophies, but not one of the previous ones would say she's changed her mind about not wanting to be with me.
But whatever. I'll live, I guess. But why must all my relationships be so intense and end so painfully? I'm tired of this.
She's the type who needs change and newness in her life or she feels trapped (for example, she doesn't want to hold the same job for too long) and she started becoming aware that applied to us as well. In the end, she felt confined by our relationship and the struggle to hold onto herself unchanged for my benefit became too much, so I let her go to avoid hurting her anymore.
I don't even know what to say. I blame myself. She, I thought, was everything I wanted and needed...but I ended up not being what yet another woman needed. She's always said I'm extraordinary and it's not that I'm "not good enough"...But my track record proves to me that I'm not. If I were good enough, I would have been able to advance faster in my career and satisfy Samantha; I wouldn't have lost Debbie's trust; Kayla wouldn't have felt the need to leave me abruptly; and Helen would have felt strongly enough that she wanted to bring me through her changes, not collect me with a particular time in her life and have trouble moving forward with me around. I'd have superceded that. I've gained a lot of really loving friends through all these catastrophies, but not one of the previous ones would say she's changed her mind about not wanting to be with me.
But whatever. I'll live, I guess. But why must all my relationships be so intense and end so painfully? I'm tired of this.