(no subject)
Sometimes, I need a release. I get full of emotions flowing every which way and I need to express them, but can't really find the words or anyone to listen.
I've been thinking about Kayla. I think over and over how deeply I opened up to her on a very real level, but I'm never sure it meant anything to her. I was just another guy she used and threw out like a paper plate. I still sometimes want to pour my emotions out to her and connect to her like a close, intimate friend, and show her the depths of my heart, but I doubt it would mean anything to her. She doesn't need me. She's perfectly happy without me. She never comes to me with her emotions, she rarely comes to me just to say hi; she has a boyfriend and has enough of a social life to fill her time. We were intense while we were together, but she doesn't need me. She never will, she probably never did.
Every new friendship brings with it tons of insecurities and fears. No matter who it's with, I worry tremendously about what he or she must think of me and where we stand. I overthink and overanalyze to the point of likely being very overwhelming to the new person. I sometimes try to "coast" and let things fall where they may, but that fear always enters the picture on its own. New relationships (of whatever nature) are always such a muddle.
Helen just sent me an IM saying she's thinking about me. We talked briefly and she said she didn't want me thinking she was angry or didn't care. I told her I'd arrived at most of those conclusions on my own and was pretty well settled that she was just a bit sad that we'd gotten back to not talking again; but that it eased my mind to have that confirmed all the same. So now we've left things on a good note and I can heal properly over the coming weeks.
I had a discussion with a friend recently who is going through a pretty severe loss of her own lately. Our discussion included, in part, her letting me know that she still reads my LJ regularly but doesn't often comment. We've slipped in and out of each other's lives a few times over the years, but I hold her in incredibly high regard and appreciate the way we are when we do intersect. I feel the need to tell her here -- whether she replies or not -- that her readership is highly valued and meaningful, just as our connection feels to me. Thank you for being here for me, especially in times like these -- even if only to hear my words.
And thank you to everyone who reads this. It means the world to me to know that my feelings and thoughts have meaning and shape and value to someone else out there. I know that whenever I write here, I'm not just talking to a wall. Thank you for caring and understanding.
I've been thinking about Kayla. I think over and over how deeply I opened up to her on a very real level, but I'm never sure it meant anything to her. I was just another guy she used and threw out like a paper plate. I still sometimes want to pour my emotions out to her and connect to her like a close, intimate friend, and show her the depths of my heart, but I doubt it would mean anything to her. She doesn't need me. She's perfectly happy without me. She never comes to me with her emotions, she rarely comes to me just to say hi; she has a boyfriend and has enough of a social life to fill her time. We were intense while we were together, but she doesn't need me. She never will, she probably never did.
Every new friendship brings with it tons of insecurities and fears. No matter who it's with, I worry tremendously about what he or she must think of me and where we stand. I overthink and overanalyze to the point of likely being very overwhelming to the new person. I sometimes try to "coast" and let things fall where they may, but that fear always enters the picture on its own. New relationships (of whatever nature) are always such a muddle.
Helen just sent me an IM saying she's thinking about me. We talked briefly and she said she didn't want me thinking she was angry or didn't care. I told her I'd arrived at most of those conclusions on my own and was pretty well settled that she was just a bit sad that we'd gotten back to not talking again; but that it eased my mind to have that confirmed all the same. So now we've left things on a good note and I can heal properly over the coming weeks.
I had a discussion with a friend recently who is going through a pretty severe loss of her own lately. Our discussion included, in part, her letting me know that she still reads my LJ regularly but doesn't often comment. We've slipped in and out of each other's lives a few times over the years, but I hold her in incredibly high regard and appreciate the way we are when we do intersect. I feel the need to tell her here -- whether she replies or not -- that her readership is highly valued and meaningful, just as our connection feels to me. Thank you for being here for me, especially in times like these -- even if only to hear my words.
And thank you to everyone who reads this. It means the world to me to know that my feelings and thoughts have meaning and shape and value to someone else out there. I know that whenever I write here, I'm not just talking to a wall. Thank you for caring and understanding.