(no subject)
The first time I saw Jessica's profile on OKCupid, I thought, "This one's special." I had a feeling that whatever interaction we ended up having would impact my life somehow.
Typically, when I'm getting to know someone and we're interested in getting to know each other better, I spin myself a little bit. I'll expose her to music initially on the basis that I think she'll hear something in it that she likes; I'll express ideas leaning more towards agreeing with ideas she's expressed; I'll emphasize personality traits and quirks in myself that she's also expressed as being in herself; I might even "shade" my diction a bit to better suit hers.
While these are all fairly natural human responses, I will sometimes also utilize this behavior to hide parts of myself and mask them with others out of self-consciousness or fear. Other times, I'll emphasize or express parts of myself that I'd otherwise choose not to express (such as my "bad" streak) in order to potentially become more appealing in her eyes based on what she's said she likes ("bad boys turn me on", etc.) regardless of how far out of my usual chosen character they are.
What I've found with Jessica, as opposed to my typical experience, is that no elements of this approach work or are what she wants. Her musical taste is varied enough that she'll "listen to anything", but I haven't heard many of the songs she likes, so I can't easily pick songs from my library to appeal to her. Her personality in its full scope is full of contradictions and ambiguities, so I can't easily pick parts of my personality or personal modes of operation to express more strongly or more often in order to feel I'm appealing to some sense of likeness. I don't even really know what she likes to do for fun, so I can't go do those things with her and create a particular image of myself.
The thing is....she's still here. She's still actively pursuing a future with me.
This would lead one to believe that it's me she's interested in. It would also lead one to believe that her interest isn't based on an image I've created of myself or points of similarity I've stressed, but on a desire to know and explore me and my idiosyncrasies, whatever they may be, unjudgingly and uncritically. One would further be lead to believe that despite my lack of personality traits which would usually appeal to her, her interest and pursuit are based on the fact that I appeal to her, too.
All these same statements can also be made in regard to why I'm still pursuing a future with her.
The moral of the story: Don't spin or shade things. Don't reach for appeal or apparent similarity. Don't fear judgment. Just be.
Feel free to give me a nice smack on the head and a "DUH JESSE" since a lot of this is exactly what you've all wanted from me and advised me to do for years. I know I'm slow on the uptake sometimes, but I do learn eventually! ...most of the time.
Typically, when I'm getting to know someone and we're interested in getting to know each other better, I spin myself a little bit. I'll expose her to music initially on the basis that I think she'll hear something in it that she likes; I'll express ideas leaning more towards agreeing with ideas she's expressed; I'll emphasize personality traits and quirks in myself that she's also expressed as being in herself; I might even "shade" my diction a bit to better suit hers.
While these are all fairly natural human responses, I will sometimes also utilize this behavior to hide parts of myself and mask them with others out of self-consciousness or fear. Other times, I'll emphasize or express parts of myself that I'd otherwise choose not to express (such as my "bad" streak) in order to potentially become more appealing in her eyes based on what she's said she likes ("bad boys turn me on", etc.) regardless of how far out of my usual chosen character they are.
What I've found with Jessica, as opposed to my typical experience, is that no elements of this approach work or are what she wants. Her musical taste is varied enough that she'll "listen to anything", but I haven't heard many of the songs she likes, so I can't easily pick songs from my library to appeal to her. Her personality in its full scope is full of contradictions and ambiguities, so I can't easily pick parts of my personality or personal modes of operation to express more strongly or more often in order to feel I'm appealing to some sense of likeness. I don't even really know what she likes to do for fun, so I can't go do those things with her and create a particular image of myself.
The thing is....she's still here. She's still actively pursuing a future with me.
This would lead one to believe that it's me she's interested in. It would also lead one to believe that her interest isn't based on an image I've created of myself or points of similarity I've stressed, but on a desire to know and explore me and my idiosyncrasies, whatever they may be, unjudgingly and uncritically. One would further be lead to believe that despite my lack of personality traits which would usually appeal to her, her interest and pursuit are based on the fact that I appeal to her, too.
All these same statements can also be made in regard to why I'm still pursuing a future with her.
The moral of the story: Don't spin or shade things. Don't reach for appeal or apparent similarity. Don't fear judgment. Just be.
Feel free to give me a nice smack on the head and a "DUH JESSE" since a lot of this is exactly what you've all wanted from me and advised me to do for years. I know I'm slow on the uptake sometimes, but I do learn eventually! ...most of the time.