Fluke of Feelings
Being in love with his best friend has never been a problem, Baekhyun thinks, even as Chanyeol pulls yet another naïve looking kid into their group; Chanyeol, bless his little heart, is a bit slow. He collects relationships like he collects Pokemon. He cares for them, of course, but it is only temporary until he decides that he is too busy and for a proper relationship. Baekhyun gives this relationship two weeks - tops.
“This is Luhan,” Chanyeol is saying, “Hyung. Luhan hyung.”
Everyone choruses their greetings - Jongdae’s voice standing out the most because he is excited about everything and everyone. Just life, really. Jongdae’s penchant for life keeps Baekhyun moving.
“Isn’t he perfect for Kris?” Chanyeol asks, excited. Baekhyun brightens, bless Chanyeol's little heart indeed.
Luhan looks horrified, “Who is Kris! Is that why you dragged me here?”
"He's a loser! You'll love him," Sehun says. Luhan looks appropriately aghast.
Baekhyun sidles up to Chanyeol's side in the midst of the chaos, “And here I thought it was another conquest, Yeol.”
Chanyeol actually rolls his eyes, “You know I’m trying to stay celibate. I’m looking for the love of my life right now. I’m an adult.”
(( Byun Baekhyun, twenty-two, male, student…is pretty average. He lives the stereotypical college life, with exams showing up now and then to ruin his otherwise stress-free living style. He doesn’t get tied up in the small details; he likes the big picture: they are all going to die so why worry? The thing is, though, he has also been in love with his best friend for ten years (and counting).
Park Chanyeol, twenty-one (for another three hours) is all about small picture. Chanyeol wants to Be Somebody and Do Important Things. The problem is, he is so busy trying to plan everything out into miniscule details that he doesn’t see things outside of his own tunnel vision of the future.
And so, Baekhyun is in love with Chanyeol, who is also in love with Baekhyun but is also too busy planning his own life to see it ))
“Happy birthday, Yeollie-pop!” Baekhyun announces loudly, barging into Chanyeol’s dorm room with as much excitement as he is able to muster while being shushed by other dorm habitants. He carries cake in one hand and a large box of present in the other.
Chanyeol looks up of his bed, no longer surprised by the traditional midnight greeting, and smiles. “Thanks, Baek. What’s with the disgusting nick name?”
“Clever, right? Saw cake pops and thought of you.”
The taller smirks, rising out of his bed to help Baekhyun out by grabbing his present. “Can I open it?”
“Barbarian!” Baekhyun gasps, “Who opens presents before cake?”
“You do.”
“As your older and wiser hyung, do as I say…not as I do.”
(( It starts somewhere in middle school, with a chubby Baekhyun magically realizes that he would rather kiss Chanyeol over any girl or boy, his age or otherwise. Along with such revelation at the peak of immaturity, Baekhyun immediately starts ignoring Chanyeol, hoping it would all go away. It doesn’t. Baekhyun, who has a short attention span and cannot be bothered with giving his best friend the cold shoulder, stops being childish. And things go back to the way they were (with Baekhyun and Chanyeol being attached at the hips). Simple and easy. No traumatic experiences here.
As they enter high school, Chanyeol starts dating - as one does. The thing is, Chanyeol is never picky. He goes out with anyone, regardless of age, sex or income. Sometime in their last year, Chanyeol declares he is bisexual. Some people scoffs in disgust and others shrug it off because, really, who doesn’t know? Chanyeol takes the negative comments in strides; it has never gotten awful, because Chanyeol's personality is too likable and his smile overshadows everything else.
Baekhyun considers this a lot. In the end, he thinks he must be Chanyeol-sexual.
"You are gross," Kyungsoo had said when Baekhyun shared this bit of news. "There is no such thing as Chanyeol-sexual." ))
"There is no such thing," Kyungsoo still states. He is a stubborn kid. He was once one of Chanyeol's crushes; but things never progressed - and Baekhyun turned him into one of his confidant instead. Chanyeol's crush on Kyungsoo had given Baekhyun hope - that someone cute and small was his type. But after that, Chanyeol dated Kris, effectively dampening Baekhyun's spirit.
Kyungsoo is the only person with whom Baekhyun can pour his heart out to about his not-so-one-sided-love, although he knows a lot of their friends suspect. He trusts that they will not say anything to Chanyeol, out of respect for him.
There is something comforting in the fact that he would not be completely alone if he bears his heart out to Chanyeol - he would not be left alone, his life wouldn't really be flipped upside down. Still, Baekhyun thinks it's too early to say something.
Baekhyun is waiting for Chanyeol to maybe change his mind about Being Important. Because he doesn't know how he would fit into Chanyeol's picture-perfect future.
(( Park Chanyeol is idealistic. He is leaving for Peru to help a small village learn more about santinary issues after he graduates; when he returns, he wants to work with the government to improve the educational system.
Baekhyun doesn't know why he has to be anyone other than Byun Baekhyun ))
As per birthday traditions, their twelve-persons group gather that Saturday night to drag Chanyeol out bar hopping. Chanyeol loves it, basks in the attention, but he likes putting up a little fight to lessen the guilt and worries of putting off his course work.
Once they get out to an actual bar, though, Chanyeol immediately brightens up and offers to buy everyone a round of drinks.
After the fifth round, Baekhyun resorts to taking away Chanyeol's credit card and closes his tab. Free drinks are great, but not at the expense of the birthday boy.
Luhan takes over after that, opens his tab to keep the drinks flowing. Baekhyun tries to keep track of who opened what, so he can close them accordingly. But he gives up after awhile; he wants to have fun too.
Whenever they go out, Chanyeol sticks close to Baekhyun, arm draped loosely over his shoulders. Even with the downtown crowd, he can always hear Chanyeol's distinct, "Baekhyunie!"
Chanyeol never wanders off without letting Baekhyun knows and he always come back.
It's these moments that Baekhyun falls a little bit deeper, because best friends don't have to stick together like glue at a party, especially since Baekhyun is no shy flower and they know a lot of the people in the crowd anyways. Best friends don't spend the night with their hands interwined, arms around each other waist, laughing into each other's space. Best friends don't dance close, gets lost in each other's eyes.
But they do. They do all of those things and it gets so hard for Baekhyun to remember that they are, in fact, not together and if Chanyeol wasn't going through his weird growing-up-act, he would probably go home at the end of the night with someone who is not Baekhyun.
“Chanyeol, man, how does it feel to be old?” Sehun asks when they finally gather all together again.
“Shut up, brat!”
Minseok and Luhan both look absolutely affronted, “What are you saying about us!”
“You don’t even matter,” Sehun shrugs, “You both look like you’re six.”
It takes a special talent to simultaneously insult everybody. Usually he would join in the fun, but tonight, Baekhyun just enjoys listening. Tonight he is Thinking. It’s not that Baekhyun does not want to save whales or start a zoo or start a donation campaigns to save otters (Chanyeol loves animals), it’s just that Baekhyun doesn’t feel particularly…animated about any of those things. He doesn’t feel compel to make a difference, what is wrong with blending in and living the regular life? What is wrong with being a hobo and travel the world? Why does he have to Be Somebody at all? And isn’t he, after all? He is somebody, he is Byun Baekhyun.
It’s not just Chanyeol in his abnormally tall and goofy package that Baekhyun loves - it’s also Chanyeol’s passion for things. It makes him both in awe and envious of his friend. Baekhyun really needs to figure his life out as well, but he doesn’t really know what he needs to do, he doesn’t know who he wants to be.
If he doesn’t know who he is, how is he going to compete with the multiple people who have already found themselves? Chanyeol would want to settle with someone who has life already figured out, he would want to be with someone who wants to save the animals as well.
Baekhyun pouts, he wishes he gave a damn about the whales.
"Birthday business," Chanyeol leans in to say, breaking his reverie. "Be right back."
Baekhyun nods, yawning slightly, still lost in his thoughts. He ponders a lot of Deep Thoughts when he is several shots in. Chanyeol gives one last wave and then runs off somewhere into the crowd and Baekhyun is left nursing his beer, with Sehun and Zitao arguing to his left and Junmyeon giving him chummy smiles from across the booth.
He ignores them and focuses on Jongin and Kyungsoo instead. They're quietly whispering, head bent together. Kyungsoo is not a fan of grand display of affections in public, so they are never gross to be around - but, all the same, their moments always so feel private.
"I need a dick," Baekhyun is too many shots in to filter himself.
Zitao looks over, a bit confused, "You have a dick."
"No. I need a dick. In me."
Chanyeol scoffs, coming back to join their table. “He needs water,” he says, “He always has an identity crisis around his sixth shot.”
“I do not."
“Are you not wondering about who you are right now? About your sexuality? About coming to terms with wanting another guy?”
Curse Park Chanyeol and his Psychology degree-in-the-making.
"Chanyeol has a dick," Sehun supplies helpfully. Baekhyun chokes on his beer.
He doesn't get to hear his best friend's respond, too focused on not dying instead.
They leave the crowd behind around 3am, all heading back to Joonmyeon's small one-person dorm. It is the size of a closet and they all have to sit on top of each other to fit, but they wouldn't want it any other way. The pizza boxes are being passed around. Joonmyeon is sitting on top of his desk with Jongdae, Yixing on the small office chair; Kyungsoo, Jongin and Sehun are cramped on the floor of the closet with the door opened, Kris, Luhan and Zitao leaning on the bed across from the closet, so that leaves Minseok, Chanyeol and Baekhyun on Joonmyeon's full-sized bed.
“So what's new, what's exciting!” Jongdae asks - exclaims, really.
“As you babies know, we are graduating soon,” Luhan says, pointing to Kris, himself, Minseok and Joonmyeon. “And we were thinking of throwing a big party. You have to wear costumes.”
There is a chorus of complaints.
“It's going to be amazing! I don't want to hear it.”
“No costumes but you're going to be trashed,” Kris says, brows furrowed. “So don't bring anyone you want to impress.”
Baekhyun shudders at the thought of his future-hangover. Chanyeol chuckles.
“You bringing anyone, Baek?”
“Do I look like I want to traumatize some poor soul? No.”
“Hm,” Chanyeol muses, “I was thinking of asking Tiffany. She just broke up with her boyfriend.”
(( Chanyeol does have a dick. A very nice one. Unfortunately, its owner is stupid ))
It's snowing! Chanyeol's text says.
Baekhyun practically sprints across campus to meet the taller dork when his class lets out. They always love the first snow. There is something more magical about it; the snow is fluffier, the air is crisper.
“Hi Baekhyunie!” Chanyeol greets as soon as he spots Baekhyun in the crowd.
“Got here as fast as I could!”
“You made good time,” Chanyeol chuckles. “And I could have met you halfway, Baek.”
“No way, your class is closer to the parking lot. Where are we going?”
Chanyeol shrugs, “There is a new cafe that's opened up.”
“Call!”
There is not a lot of people on the road on Thursday evening, Baekhyun notes, as Chanyeol purses his bottom lip, trying to find the small cafe somewhere to their right. They did make good time, though, because the snow is just starting to gather some momentum.
“Ah ha!” Chanyeol exclaims, pulling into an empty parking spot. “It's right here.”
The cafe is small and narrow, but it looks cozy even from the outside. Baekhyun feels the excitement bubbling from inside him. He resists the urge to tackle Chanyeol onto the fresh snow. Instead he just keeps his hands jammped inside his the pocket of his hoodie, eyes crinkling as he grins.
“You're buying!”
“Don't I always,” Chanyeol retorts. He pulls Baekhyun closer by the elbow, “When are you going to get weather appropriate clothes?”
“When you come over and help me reorganize my closet,” Baekhyun says. They have this conversation every time. Honestly Baekhyun can't be bothered to pull out his winter stuff because it means he would have to fold and store away his warmer clothes. And he hates folding clothes.
“What are you going to do without me?”
Baekhyun races ahead, ignoring the question. That's not something he wants to dwell on.
Once they're settled inside, Chanyeol takes off his scarf to wrap around Baekhyun instead, then he leaves to go order their drinks at the counter. Baekhyun settle into the booth, pulling out his phone to take a selfie. His hair is dusted with a layer of snow, and his face is half buried in Chanyeol's thick scarf. Baekhyun is honest enough to admit that he is a good looking kid; so really, it's too bad that Chanyeol can't realize this and confess his undying love already.
Baekhyun breathes Chanyeol in, the familiar cologne that he had gotten the other boy for his last birthday; when he had purchased it, he didn't realize this scent was going to mean so much - it brings him comfort because it means being embraced by his giant friend, it means having someone who is always there for him, it means home.
"Hot chocolate!" Chanyeol beams, dropping things on the table because his two hands are full of their food and drinks, "And I got you a blueberry muffin."
"Chanyeol," Baekhyun says, "Am I a bad friend?"
"The worst. Why?"
"I just...for the party, can you not bring Tiffany?"
Chanyeol frowns, "Why?"
"It's just, I'm not bringing anyone and I'd rather have you with me."
"Alright Baek."
Chanyeol shrugs; because it's only a big deal to Baekhyun.
(( Alright. So maybe Park Chanyeol does not love Byun Baekhyun. Maybe Baekhyun is just a selfish prick who projects his feelings and keeps Chanyeol from living his life ))
"I suck," Baekhyun says to his cup of coffee, chin resting on the cafe's table because the world is weighting him down.
Kyungsoo narrows his eyes, "Why don't you just tell him?"
"And then what? What am I going to do while he is off saving humanity? What am I going to do when he decides he wants kids...and a wife? He wants to settle in the suburbs! You know I hate the suburbs!"
"Really? He doesn't want to live in Seoul?"
"I am freaking out here, Kyungsoo!"
The other boy doesn't flinch. "Look, Baek. What's the alternative? You don't tell him and you never know. Never know if it's all you or if it's really mutual."
"Or he can settle down with a wife," Baekhyun says slowly. "And I can stop wondering."
(( All Baekhyung has to do is stop wondering ))
He tells Chanyeol to bring Tiffany the next time they meet. Chanyeol doesn't look surprised, instead he gives Baekhyun a thump up and grins, "Cool. You still not bringing anyone?"
"Nope."
Chanyeol nods, "Well, there will be a lot of us there. It's not like you'll be alone."
"Exactly."
(( It's not like Baekhyun will be alone ))
Baekhyun shows up at the party venue early to help decorate. Luhan had decided to host it at their usual bar, a run-down shack of a place but it serves cheap drinks and they love the owners. Baekhyun loves everything about it; from the way the paint is peeling from the walls to the dull look of the cement floor. No one ever gets ignored here from bartenders and the floor is never sticky with the unknown. He doesn't know how Yunho manages to keep the inside (mostly) clean, but he appreciates it.
"Hey! Where is Chanyeol?" Luhan asks, climbing up the ladder to add more streamers. Baekhyun wants to point out that no one will see it because it will be dark, but he shrugs. it's Luhan's party.
"Getting ready and then he is going to pick up Tiffany, so not sure on ETA."
Luhan nods, "Cool. I thought he wasn't going to bring her?"
"Yeah..."
Baekhyun's reply is too quiet for Luhan to catch but Sehun is watching him; he's squatting on the ground, untangling fairy lights.
Sehun asks after a beat. "He said you told him not to bring Tiffany?"
"I did but I mean he should if he wants," Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "I'm not his controller."
Sehun hums, "Want to help me hang this up?"
"Sure," Baekhyun strides over to where Sehun is, looking down amusedly at the younger boy. "Why do we have so many?"
"No idea. Just here for the labor."
"Why did you ask him not to bring Tiffany?" Luhan asks, damn those ears, coming up to stand near Baekhyun as he try to string the lights.
"You know why."
"Are you ever going to tell him? Or are you just going to thwart all of his relationships while stringing him along?"
Leave it to Luhan to be blunt. Leave it to Luhan to voice all of Baekhyun's thoughts aloud; give the words life when all he wants to do is push it down.
"You don't get to lecture me," Baekhyun says, tilting his head at Sehun meaningfully. He catches the older's boy eyes.
"You know why," Luhan echoes back.
(( Someday Luhan will return to Beijing. Someday Chanyeol will leave to Peru. It'll be Baekhyun and Sehun, left behing with memories and broken hearts. On that day, Baekhyun swears he will be extra nice to Sehun ))
The party is in full swing before Chanyeol shows up. Baekhyun doesn't see him first, all he feels is an arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him from the crowd.
"Hey," Chanyeol says, breathing into Baekhyun's space. His grin is huge, eyes unblinking. "I'm so sorry. Tiffany wanted to pre-game at this other place and...I lost my phone somewhere."
Baekhyun frowns, "It's fine, Chanyeol. Really."
"Okay. You having fun?"
"Yeah, it's a good crowd.”
"Okay well, I gotta go back. I did ask her out," Chanyeol says hesitantly. "I'll find you though? We can share a cab back."
"No you take Tiffany back, I'm okay.”
"Um, we'll talk, okay?" Chanyeol insists, giving Baekhyun one last apologetic look. "I'll come find you later."
(( Chanyeol's real talent is raising Baekhyun's hope ))
Chanyeol does end up finding him later. Baekhyun is sat on the stairs, talking to Kyungsoo when giant approaches. Kyungsoo says his greeting and excuses himself. Chanyeol sits down on the narrow staircase, they're squished together side by side, shoulders and thighs touching.
“So this year, I really want to do something big,” Chanyeol is saying, ducking when Baekhyun half-heartedly tries to hit him. He doesn't know how they got here, but here they are, him drinking away his feelings and Chanyeol's blabbering on about his future. “It’s our junior year, you know? I want to take a trip or start an organization or something."
Baekhyun nods, “Right. Okay. You go do that.” No one can say he is unsupportive.
“I just want to do something crazy before I settle down, you know?”
I’m crazy, do me. Baekhyun forces the words down with the last bit of his drink, only choking slightly. “S-settle down?”
“Yeah. I want that, I think, the regular life. I want the nine to five and 2.5 kids and…I don’t know, just the average middle class family sort of thing.”
Baekhyun doesn’t understand statistics. So he doesn’t understand how Chanyeol can imagine this life with a dismembered kid, but he feels his spirit dies a little at the thought.
“2.5, huh?”
“Yeah I think a dog would count as half a person.”
(( The thing is, Baekhyun knows Chanyeol loves him. Really, he does. But maybe Chanyeol loves him like family, goes out of his way because he has been Baekhyun’s friend for the longest. Maybe Chanyeol loves him like a way someone does a pet - maybe Chanyeol loves him like some poor kid he’s trying to save because Baekhyun can’t get his life together and Chanyeol loves being a hero ))
(( Baekhyun wakes up later than he intended after that party. Life continues.
Baekhyun does not confess to Chanyeol on graduation day as planned because his best friend is found sucking face with a pretty thing. Life continues.
He does, eventually, confess.
The next day, Chanyeol heads off to Peru to work with small villages and teach them the importance of water safety.
Life continues. ))
Byun Baekhyun, event planning extraordinaire, is only a bit wiser at twenty-seven. He is happy to have found his purpose and true calling in life. He is happy that he did not go off to save the whales because he still does not give a damn. He does, however, care very much about details now, which is odd. He enjoys planning. He understands now that the Big Picture does not happen unless he has the details worked out.
After Chanyeol’s big move, Baekhyun finds himself a bit lost. But it might have been a great thing - it really forced Baekhyun out of his shell, out of his tunnel vision from Chanyeol to focusing on himself. And it’s a quiet kind of hurt, it’s nothing dramatic.
Baekhyun shakes his head, he doesn’t know why he is feeling particularly nostalgic today. It’s still a work day and he still has meetings to attend to. He stretches, feeling his bones crack.
“I’m getting old,” He mumbles.
“You are,” Sehun says unhelpfully from his desk. Baekhyun growls. He doesn’t know why he had hired the younger boy on as his assistant. “Hey, you’re going to the party tonight, right? Jongin is bringing Owlface.”
“That’s not his name,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You’ve got to get over this. Stop being bitter at other people's happiness.”
“I don’t believe in opposite attract bullshit. If you have nothing in common, how are you even together?”
“For the last time, Kyungsoo and Jongin have plenty in common.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Sehun waves his hand dismissively.
Baekhyun is not offended. He scoffs quietly, redirects his attention on seating charts instead. It’s going to be a small and intimidate event, but the bride had very specific instructions on who cannot be seated next to whom. It’s a bit of a mindfuck - does no one get along in her family?
“Isn’t today the twenty second?” Sehun says, knowing full well that it is and why it is important.
“Yes.”
“Doesn’t he land at three pm, which is in like two hours?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re not going to…?”
Baekhyun takes a deep breath, “No, Sehun. Because when someone thanks you for your confession with ‘I am leaving the country, I don’t know what you want me to do with this,’ you tend to get the hint, okay? So no, I will not pick up Chanyeol from the airport.”
“That really wasn’t fair, though.” The younger muses, “I mean you did confess right before he had to leave.”
“Yes, well. That goes to show you, doesn’t it, that it wasn’t meant to be.”
“So you’re just not going to try again?” Sehun asks agin, “That’s it?”
“Of course!” Baekhyun is flabbergasted, because what else is he to do? “It’s been nearly four years! I confessed to him when we were twenty-three. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but college me and post-college me are two different people.”
Sehun doesn’t look convinced. Baekhyun doesn’t feel entirely convinced either, but he is sticking with it. Besides, he knows Yura is going to pick Chanyeol up today. He really doesn’t want to be part of their family reunion even if Chanyeol’s mom had insisted that she wanted him there as well. Yura knows enough to understand Baekhyun’s absence, so he is sure she will cover for him.
Landed! We are going back.
Baekhyun pockets his phone, satisfied that Chanyeol is not just sitting on a curb somewhere, waiting. He knows Yura isn’t particularly good with being on time.
Are you sure you won’t stop by?
Chanyeolie asked how you’ve been.
I told him you’re fantastic and has started dating a hottie.
Don’t worry, Baek. I’ve got you.
Baekhyun rubs his face, suddenly tired. He really wants to call her to stop the madness. He doesn’t need a play by play recap.
He dated a cop while he was over there! Said it was nothing serious and has had no one since. He is not looking.
He wants to meet you.
Told him you were busy, wedding season and all.
Gave him your number.
Baekhyun shuts off his phone. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he will go and change phone numbers.
By the time he makes it back to his apartment studio, Baekhyun is tired. It has been a stressful day to say the least. He ended up staying much later than he had intended. He is hungry. He is cranky. He curses Park Yura because now there is another thing on his to-do for tomorrow. Changing a number is not exactly simple, he would have to update all of his clients, have to update all of his vendors, his family, friends…Baekhyun stops himself from an internal freak-fest. It is not that serious, he can just block Chanyeol’s number.
Satisfied, he hums as he waits for the elevator to reach his floor. Baekhyun turns his phone back on, because he is away from the office now and he needs to be reachable for emergencies.
No missed calls, just a few more messages from Yura. He will check those later.
The lift comes to a stop, Baekhyun is so prepared for it. He has been expecting it all day.
There is Chanyeol, hair shorter than Baekhyun remembers and dyed a bright red, leaning against his door with hands jammed in his pocket. He is well built, no longer that lanky kid that Baekhyun remembers. He is in ripped black jeans and a black T-shirt, looking so good that Baekhyun wants to cry. He takes ten deep breaths and curses Yura in his head.
“Hi.”
Chanyeol’s head snaps up, “Baekhyun. It’s you.”
It’s ironic that Chanyeol is the one who is wide-eyed. Always a prankster, that Park Yura.
“She didn’t tell you.”
“No, she said she needed me to pick up something from a friend’s,” Chanyeol huffs. “No wonder she was so insistent about me staying. You’re later than she said you’d be.”
“Work was busy,” Baekhyun explains. He feels guilty but he tries to shake it off, it isn’t his fault they are in this predicament. “So did she say when she wanted?”
“She said you’d know,” Chanyeol sighs, “You guys planned this! I hate her.”
Baekhyun chuckles, “Well, you look good.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry you came all the way here for nothing.”
“Well, maybe not nothing,” Chanyeol smiles, “You look good. I wish I had known, I would have brought pictures from my trip! I tried adding you on Instagram but you didn’t accept me, did you know it was me?”
“Goodnight Chanyeol. Like I said, I’m sorry you came here for nothing.” Baekhyun moves around Chanyeol to open his door.
Chanyeol looks visibly confused now. “What? Baekhyunie…”
“There is no Baekhyunie here,” Baekhyun explains, taking advantage of the taller male’s momentary confusion to slowly close the door. “He faded. Faded away when his best friend brushed off his feeling, when his best friend left without a goodbye, when his best friend gave him the wrong time so he would be at the airport too late. That Baekhyunie, he left…with you. I’m sorry Yura didn’t tell you, but no, we did not set this up to surprise you, and no, I don’t want to look at your pictures. I did know it was you but I don’t want you on my Instagram feed.”
With that, Baekhyun closes the door. Closes away his past.
He slides on the floor, tears stinging his eyes and he lets them fall. He is hurt. He is still hurt.
I’m so sorry, Baekhyun.
I underestimated your feelings.
I’m so sorry.
Baekhyun swipes left, he deletes Yura’s text messages, deletes her phone number along with it. He needs to cut off all ties to Park Chanyeol. It is petty but he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and get over this.
Baekhyun forgot how much their lives are intertwined. He forgot that he had hired Sehun.
He remembers now, though, as the younger studies him with narrowed eyes, looking at Baekhyun like he is scum.
“You’re being so unfair,” Sehun whines. “At least hear him out.”
“Don’t make be fire you,” Baekhyun replies, “I know you don’t have any prospect.”
“Hyung.”
“Don’t. Not today.”
Sehun does drop it, surprisingly. Kyungsoo, however, is another story.
Baekhyun sighs loudly, slouching over in his seat as Kyungsoo studies him over the rim of his coffee cup. He wonders how long his friend would stare at him for, it’s a bit uncomfortable to have Kyungsoo’s undivided attention.
“So let’s recap,” Kyungsoo says slowly, “You were in love with Chanyeol for years, did not say a word. Then when he was about to leave and chase after his dreams, you went and dumped this big confession on him, asking him to stay and spend his life with you…” Baekhyun is about to interrupt, but Kyungsoo raises a finger to indicate shut it, “And Chanyeol decides to run away from you instead being mature about it. Now he is back.”
“Exactly! Thank you!” Baekhyun sits up abruptly, excited, “People seem to forget that he left me, Kyungsoo. He didn’t even let me say bye. He just left.”
“I know it hurts, Baek.”
“Yes.”
Kyungsoo nods, “But you’re a good looking, successful man, who has been hit on by more people than I can remember…and here you are, single.”
“So?”
“So maybe, maybe don’t forgive and forget him, but just talk to him, Baek. Maybe just get that closure.”
It’s a good point, Baekhyun muses later. Part of him had hoped that Chanyeol would find him years later and they would pick it back up. The thing is, Baekhyun had been so convinced that Chanyeol had loved him. They were attached at the hips, knew everything about each other and when they looked at each other - it was as if the world faded into the background, just noises because the world didn’t matter.
But all those years, it was all in Baekhyun’s mind, just his love and his wishes superimposed into his moments with Chanyeol. In the end, that was what had hurt the most - that Baekhyun had loved so deeply, but Chanyeol so easily casted him aside.
Maybe it is true, he really does need some closure. He needs to move on.
Too bad he deleted Yura’s number and has no contact information for Chanyeol. After that day, Chanyeol hasn’t tried to talk to him again. Byun Baekhyun, easily forgotten.
Baekhyun supposes he can always visit Chanyeol’s parents. He always stops by anyways, so it won’t be anything out of the ordinary.
His phone rings, pulling him out of his trance. Baekhyun stares at the screen, Do Kyungsoo, excellent timing. “Kyungsoo! I need a favor.”
“I know,” Kyungsoo sounds smug, “You’ve been thinking about what I said and realized I’m right, right?”
“Yea…”
“Good. Meet me at my place in forty, look nice, Chanyeol’s meeting me here. I’ll call the guys.”
“I love you.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Baekhyun hangs up with a smile. Do Kyungsoo might be of little words but he is an amazing friend regardless.
They meet at Kyungsoo’s studio flat; it’s a small gathering, their group has thinned out a lot of over the years. Kris and Luhan left to go back to China, Minseok went abroad to study and no one really knows what had happened to Zitao. Baekhyun misses them all, of course, but he knows everyone has their own path in life. There is no way they were going to be together; they weren’t pieces of a puzzle, they were their own individual shapes that just happened to match well for that short time.
He doesn’t know if they still match, the years have filed and bent them into different versions of themselves. He doesn’t even know anything about this Chanyeol. This Chanyeol has short hair on the sides and a reddish mop on top, which looks ridiculous given his ears, but Baekhyun supposes it is a lot easier to manage. There is still a lot of the old Chanyeol that he loves also - this Chanyeol is still patient, sitting across from Baekhyun and waiting for the right time to say something.
Mostly everyone is out on the patio, checking out Kyungsoo’s new grill. Baekhyun knows no one cares about that crappy old thing, but he appreciates that his friends are giving them space. He notices Sehun looking particular smug. That bastard.
“Hey Yeol,” Baekhyun says finally, putting the younger boy out of his misery.
“I was scared,” Chanyeol blurts out, like he has been trying to hold it in, has been waiting for Baekyun to signal the okay to spill his guts. “You’ve always…I’ve always listened to you. It’s like an automatic response, listening to you. I was scared you were going to tell me not to go again and that…that I really would stay. So I just left. I’m so sorry.”
“Do you remember what I said the night before?”
“How could I forget Baekhyun? That was the first time my best friend ever confessed to me.”
Baekhyun breathes in deep, “And I’m going to hate myself for this, but did you?”
“Yes. You didn’t fit into any of my plans, but yes,” Chanyeol sounds so sincere, Baekhyun wants so hard for this not to real. He can't do this now. “I think that’s why I was so scared.”
“I wouldn’t have ruined your plans.”
“I know. I just…do you remember Tiffany?”
Baekhyun squints, thinking back, “Yeah.”
“She was perfect: smart, cute, gorgeous. We got along so well. I thought this was it, I was going to go for it, find my happiness…and then you asked me not to take her to that party and I instantly said yes. All of my feelings for her, everything I thought before, went out of the window.
“And I knew then that I was young and naïve and I was in love. Even then I knew that it was dangerous. I had dreams and goals and I didn’t want to cast that aside. I’m so sorry I left but I don’t regret it, Baek.”
“I’m glad you did, too,” Baekhyun smiles, sincerely, truthfully. He’s so happy for his old best friend. “I’m glad you’ve accomplished your dreams. I did, too. It took you leaving for me to really try, you know?”
“I’m back now. I’m here, Baek.”
“I’m not ‘Baek’ - I’m…it’s been almost five years, Chanyeol.”
“Then let’s start again. Let’s get to know each other again.”
“This is crazy.”
“Let me make it up to you.”
“What if we don’t work?”
Chanyeol shrugs, “Then we just don’t. No harm done. I was out of your life for four years, right?”
If Baekhyun expects a novel-romantic night, he is sorely mistaken. But he laughs because it is charming all the same. There’s even a picnic blanket on the living room floor.
“Pizza. Charming.”
Chanyeol grins, boyish, “At my parents’ house, too.”
“I’m so attracted to you right now.” Baekhyun deadpans.
“I’ve got your favorite movies. I know you’ve been busy - so, let’s pig out and do nothing.”
“I’m so attracted you right now.”
This time, Baekhyun means it.
At the end of the night, Chanyeol breaks out his guitar. They sing into the night, bits and pieces of songs they still remember from college days. This time Chanyeol breaks out the pictures from his travels, and this time Baekhyun leafs through them with long fingers. They also talk and he finally learns the stories behind Chanyeol’s photos.
There’s something comforting about dating your old best friend. Baekhyun doesn’t have to worry about messing up their friendship because he hasn’t considered them friends since Chanyeol left, but they have the perks of being privy to much of each other’s lives, so Baekhyun doesn’t have to start explaining himself from square one. It feels like he can pretty much jump into a relationship with Chanyeol, which at the same time is scary.
Baekhyun doesn’t think now is the time to dwell on it though, not when said best friend is suddenly at his office, holding up a takeout bag. “Lunch?”
Sehun looks up briefly. “Boss, guest.”
“Wow, thank you, Sehun.” Baekhyun says sardonically.
“How did he start working here?” Chanyeol asks, flicking edamame at Sehun’s head in between bites as they sit on top of Baekhyun’s desk. Sehun is busy ignoring them to do real work.
Baekhyun chuckles, “Luhan left. He was sad. I needed an assistance.”
“Ah…worst decision you ever made.”
“Exactly.”
“Don’t you two have something else better to do?” Sehun pipes up. “Go ruin someone else’s day?”
“Nope,” Baekhyun grins. “I’m all yours, Hunnie.”
“Well speaking of that, Yura is bringing home a boy. Want to swing by and embarrass her?”
“Yeah! I have to talk to her anyways.”
“I’m so sorry!” Yura says as soon as Baekhyun steps through the door. “I am!”
“Don’t be, it worked out. I’m sorry I was so hard on you…I just wasn’t ready.”
“I should have considered your feelings,” She continues, “After all, I love you more than that dork.”
“Gee,” Chanyeol says, stepping into the house, “You two.”
Dinner at the Parks have never been a quiet affair. Yura and Chanyeol are always bickering. Mama Park has endless funny anecdotes from her restaurant and Papa Park’s laugh is always loud and boisterous.
Yura’s new boyfriend, Namhyuk, looks remarkably calm in the middle of the chaos. Baekhyun quietly applaud him. He answers questions well, doesn’t even look surprised when Chanyeol suddenly takes Baekhyun’s hand (“Just because, okay?”). It’s the way that they all talk over each other, it reminds Baekhyun of his own family, it’s what he has always associated with love.
It’s what he has always wanted for Chanyeol.
It’s what Chanyeol has always wanted.
Baekhyun doesn’t bring it up. He doesn’t ask.
He lets Chanyeol feed him bites of food, he lets Chanyeol intertwine their fingers; they don’t make it official, they don’t call it quits. It’s somewhere in between. College-Baekhyun would love this, would love having things undefined. Post-college-Baekhyun loves the attention but is old enough to realize the consequences.
He wishes he was twelve. He wishes he could go back to ignoring Chanyeol.
“What’s wrong?” Chanyeol somehow always knows.
“Am I doing it again?” Baekhyun asks, slowly stirring his tea so he has something to do.
“Do what?”
It’s the first snow of winter. They’re sitting at a café near Baekhyun’s apartment. Even after all of these years, he still loves the first snow of the season. The magic is not lost on post-college-Baekhyun. It’s not lost on Chanyeol, either, who is practically bouncing in his seat as the snow gets progressively heavier.
“Being a bad friend.”
“How?”
Baekhyun sighs, giving up on the tea and folds his hands in his lap instead. “I’m not mad anymore. We don’t have to do this - you can go back…to your life plan or whatever. I’ll be your friend still, I promise. Don’t give up your Tiffany for me.”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol laughs. “I’ve had years away from you to find my Tiffany. I was stupid to think that’s what I needed.”
“Just, I don’t want you to do this because you think this is what I want.”
“Baek, the first thing I wanted when I got back was to find you. I needed to see you. I’ve missed you so much. The reason why I’ve planned our dates at home is because I just want to sit around and tell you all of these stories…all these years, I just wanted so badly to talk to you.”
“I…” Baekhyun blinks. What else is there to say? What does one even say to that?
“I know you probably aren’t in love with me anymore, Baekhyun. I’m not asking for some magical ending, I just want a chance to see where this goes.”
“I can do it,” Baekhyun says, leaning in close and glad Chanyeol can take a hint. “I can definitely do that.”
It’s haste. It’s desperate when their lips meet. It’s Baekhyun trying to get as close as possible because he finally can, he can finally run his tongue around the seam of Chanyeol’s lips like how he has always wanted.
It’s not perfect. The table in between makes things a little awkward; but it’s great because it’s Chanyeol.
“Hi,” Chanyeol says.
Baekhyun doesn’t think blushing is the appropriate response, but there’s something so intimate about that gesture. It’s so Chanyeol to look at him like that, even as he slowly strip away Baekhyun’s sanity. It’s gotten cold now that the snow has settled, the air is crisp even with the heater turned up. Chanyeol’s hands are cold as they trail across Baekhyun’s stomach.
“H-hey,” Baekhyun stutters.
“You okay?”
“Just…this feels weird, to be doing this.”
“Hmm,” Chanyeol doesn’t seem to mind it, though. He has no problem with the thought of doing something so intimate with someone he has known since he was ten.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says, exasperated, “I’m serious!”
“I know, that’s why you’re so cute.”
“Can you not unbutton my jeans while calling me cute? It’s weird.”
Chanyeol smiles, “Okay how about I unbutton your jeans while calling you sexy?”
“You’re impossible.”
“Do you want me?” It’s the way Chanyeol looks at him - no pretense, no smile - just Chanyeol.
“Yes.”
“Then take me.” Chanyeol link their fingers together, “Take me.”
That’s what he says, but Baekhyun feels like he is the one being taken as Chanyeol’s tongue strokes the roof of this mouth, encouraging. Chanyeol’s taste soft. Sweet. Baekhyun flexes his fingers on Chanyeol’s arms, wanting more. Hot breath drifts along his jaw, down his neck. Buttons are opened, zippers down. Fingers play with him until he squirms, wanting so much more, so much more than fingers to stroke him open. He gasps, startled, when Chanyeol’s hand kneads his ass, rubbing them against each other.
“More,” Baekhyun moans.
Chanyeol sheaths himself inside, “Have me. All of me.”
Baekhyun feels Chanyeol inch by inch, but even now he understands. Chanyeol is offering more than sex, he is offering all of himself.
“Yes,” Baekhyun whispers, on the edge of tears, “Yeah.”
(( And so, Baekhyun is in love with Chanyeol, who is also in love with Baekhyun but is also too busy planning his own life to see it ))
rating: slight!R
author: jinkitama
summary: Being in love with his best friend has never been a problem.
(( And so, Baekhyun is in love with Chanyeol, who is also in love with Baekhyun but is also too busy planning his own life to see it ))