[PROMPT #5] Next Big Actor (2/2)

[ouvertes]

( part one)

Jinyoung had thought that with the last time, Jackson, the crazy fanboy, had gotten what he had wanted, and Jinyoung wouldn’t see him again. Jinyoung had also told himself he was fine with that, and that he wasn’t checking on Bambam’s social media more than usual to see if the Thai boy would post the picture Jinyoung had taken of him, the stand-in and Jackson. Bambam didn’t, which Jinyoung thought to be rather weird, but it must have been his fault for not taking good enough pictures, or something. It didn’t matter, right? No matter how much Jinyoung itched to ask Bambam for the pictures, he wouldn’t, since there was no good reason for him to want the pictures for himself, right?

Jinyoung had decided not to dwell on the matter, throwing himself into his studies instead, determined to keep his spot at the top of his class so he could graduate with the best grades this year. He had no time to think about some fanboy that had visited the store he worked at twice.

Yet, although weeks had gone by and Jinyoung had told himself he had given up on seeing Jackson again as the promos were ending, he couldn’t help the way his heart jumped in his chest when he saw Jackson skipping his way into the store on the last night of the promotions. This time the fanboy was wearing clothes more similar to the first time he had been at the shop, but what was different was that he was also trailed by the bright brown-haired friend of his, Mark? or something, who had picked him up last time and called him the first time. The slight feeling of jealousy Jinyoung had felt at how close the two seemed to be returned for absolutely no reason, considering that there wasn’t any sort of relationship between him and Jackson that would warrant him worrying about who was close to Jackson or not.

“Hiiiii again Jinyoung-ssi, miss me?” Jackson shouted happily as he approached, waving way too much, and Jinyoung couldn’t even summon his usual feeling of annoyance when he had to put his book away. It was silly, really.

Yes, Jinyoung’s heart wanted to answer, but his head was having none of that, choosing prickly banter instead. “Can’t say I have, it was much calmer while you were gone. What do you want this time?”

Jackson’s eyes were as pretty up close as Jinyoung remembered. The Chinese man leaned over the counter again to blink his eyes at Jinyoung, like that would get Jinyoung to fetch him the moon from the sky (and maybe it would, if Jinyoung could, but he was very realistically aware of his limits, and too proud to admit any such thing). But if Jinyoung would or wouldn’t didn’t matter anyway, because what Jackson ended up asking of him was not in his hands, impossible for him to fulfill although he would maybe want to. “Weeell, I was thinking, now that the promos are ending, could I get the stand-in? It has my signature on it after all.”

Jinyoung sighed, closing his eyes for just a moment, before opening them again as he tried to bear the weight of Jackson’s 100% effective puppy eyes that he still had to resist, or get fired. “I can’t, I told you the first time. Someone’s going to pick it up today, sorry.”

“Aw.” The pout on Jackson’s face was adorable, the way his bottom lip stuck out and there was a slight flush to his cheeks from where he had probably rushed into the store to bother Jinyoung. Jinyoung couldn’t help himself, Jackson was just too cutesy, so he reached one hand out to give Jackson’s shoulder an affectionate pat. It was way more familiar than he should ever get with a customer, and upon that realization Jinyoung retracted his hand as quickly as if it had been burned, although the light feeling in his chest let him know that he had rather liked the touch.

Jackson didn’t seem bothered by Jinyoung’s sudden familiarness, in the contrary, his pout changed into a wide smile, making Jinyoung’s stomach lunge in a way that couldn’t be healthy.

After that Jackson started pelting him with questions about his life and the occasional compliment on his looks. Surprisingly, Jinyoung found himself answering, too easily revealing details of his life and blocking the compliments by saying snarky things because that was how Jinyoung worked, whenever he liked someone he just couldn’t seem to say nice things. And Jinyoung was mature enough to admit to having taken a liking to Jackson, to the boy’s childlike enthusiasm and seemingly boundless happiness. Jackson was explaining random stuff that happened to him recently, like how he warmed a hot bun in the microwave in secret although he should be a diet, but had woken everyone with his shouts when he had bit into it because he had burnt his tongue on the hot insides, and it should be annoying or boring, but the way Jackson told it, it wasn’t. Jinyoung found himself laughing easily at Jackson’s stories, where Jackson always seemed to be playing the part of the fool for the sake of the amusement of others, and Jinyoung wondered absentmindedly what sort of things were hidden beneath Jackson’s easygoing exterior, beneath the mask of a funny fool Jackson seemed to put on for others.

Jackson’s friend stayed mostly silent by Jackson’s side, fiddling with his smartphone, only adding to the conversation when Jackson asked him for a word in Korean or on how some detail of the story he was currently telling was, and sometimes correcting the over exaggerated expressions Jackson used. Jinyoung found himself relaxing, chatting freely with Jackson although he had to keep shooting down the man’s maybe attempts at flirting down, or he would get way too flustered, and Jinyoung did not like not being in control of his emotions, the way Jackson seemed to so easily make him.

Jinyoung did not know for how long they had been talking, but apparently the clock had struck twelve and Cinderella was due to go back to reality, because suddenly Mark stopped Jackson in the middle of telling a story about how he had accidentally ordered too spicy food at a restaurant and spent the rest of the fancy dinner sweating and low-key dying by bluntly saying, “Okay, now, as fun as this game of yours is, Gaga, we don’t have all night, we have to get back to the hotel. Let’s take your stand-in and go.”

Jinyoung started to automatically protest (against taking the stand-in, not at Jackson having to leave, of course), but when faced with Jackson’s friend digging out what appeared to be a fancy business card sprouting the name of one Mark Yi-En Tuan and the logo of the company their manager had told would be coming to pick up the stand-in for the idol they had done the promotions with around closing time today, Jinyoung was suddenly at a loss of words.

Idol Manager, the card said.

Your stand-in, the man holding it had said to Jackson.

The way Jackson had acted the first time he had walked into the store, the way he had been surprised when Jinyoung had not recognized his name. The way Bambam had reacted to learning Jackson’s name, the way he had laughed at Jinyoung’s confusion. The scene last time, when Mark had come to pick up Jackson, like a worried babysitter finding the child they were taking care of missing, and how he was tailing Jackson like a chaperone now.

And oh, when it finally clicked, Jinyoung was so embarrassed he wanted the ground to open beneath him and swallow him. His gaze had moved over to stare at Jackson, his eyes probably betraying his realization, and Jackson’s cutesy protruding bottom lip only got fuller as the idol stuck it out more.

How had he not realized it before? Sure, Jinyoung never really paid attention to the changing promotions, but there were too many clues, and he had simply ignored them in favor of getting lost in the swirling dark chocolate of Jackson’s eyes.

Eyes that were staring at him warily now, obviously watching for his reaction and Jinyoung just. Needed to go.

“I see,” Jinyoung breathed out, something breaking and shriveling in his chest, but the calm mask on his face stayed on. “Just a moment, please.”

Jinyoung had a completely legitimate reason to briskly walk his way into the back room - he had taken the stand-in there as the day was almost over and they had started taking off the promotions material. But he didn’t walk over to where he had placed the stand-in when he got into the back room, instead collapsing onto the nearest chair and burying his face in his hands the moment the door closed behind him.

Bambam, of course, was alerted to the noise, and was immediately there to ask him what was wrong, and if he needed a painkiller or something. On any other day Jinyoung would feel fondness in his heart for the caring dongsaeng, but today he just felt cold, and empty, and incredibly stupid for not realizing earlier.

“He’s an idol, isn’t he?” Jinyoung asked with a thin voice, willing it to be unwavering.

At least to his consolation there was no real mirth in Bambam’s voice, only a pitying sort of amusement that told Jinyoung that Bambam wasn’t quite sure if the situation had gone too far, and he was trying to gauge how Jinyoung was feeling. Bambam was far too kind-hearted to be a proper trickster, too concerned about other people’s feelings to feel giddy over this development of events. He was too worried about Jinyoung maybe having gotten hurt more than the poor boy had intended, and Jinyoung knew at that moment that he couldn’t find it in his heart to be mad at Bambam, no matter what, although his petty mind would have wanted to pick out a scapegoat, someone to blame for how things had gone down without Jinyoung knowing.

It was his own fault for getting emotionally invested so quickly, anyway. No one had intended for this to be more than just a laugh over Jinyoung not having recognized the face of a celebrity, surely.

“Yeah, or more like, he’s the idol, you know? But, that doesn’t matter, uh… Are you okay?” Oh, bless Bambam’s soft heart. Just for his sake, Jinyoung took a deep breath and straightened, making himself feel the small smile that he brought up on his face, allowing his confusion to show but not wanting to make the Thai boy worried out of his mind for his sake. Jinyoung was going to be an actor. He could control his facial expressions.

“Yeah, just. Really caught me off guard, so I just feel bewildered and embarrassed, I guess? Would you mind taking care of giving the stand-in over to them? I don’t really want to show my face, I feel kinda awkward not having realized before, you know?”

Jinyoung wasn’t sure if his somewhat strong front convinced Bambam, but he was being honest, really. He was embarrassed, and he didn’t want to go back out there because he had no idea how to act now, or how his opinion of Jackson changed, or if it even changed now that he knew the man was famous, with probably thousands of fans ready to scream his name if he asked for it, or throw as much money at him as they could afford. What he didn’t want to reveal how much his chest ached, how confused he felt now regarding Jackson, and what he should do now.

Jinyoung didn’t know, and he didn’t like not knowing. So he took the coward’s way, hiding in the back room as Bambam agreed to take the stand-in out. Afterwards he made Bambam swear the manager and idol were gone before Jinyoung agreed to step out and help Bambam clean up the store so that they could go home for the night, truly acting ridiculous but at least Bambam didn’t press it.

Jinyoung told himself it was easier this way. That this way, he could just put this whole spectacle behind him, bury whatever embers of feelings had been about to catch fire in his chest deep, and maybe after some days he would be able to laugh along when Bambam would retell the story to their friends.

But like things had always seemed to go regarding Jackson so far, Jinyoung was not let off that easy. He had been surfing the internet on his smartphone later that night as he couldn’t seem to fall asleep, his thoughts far too restless. If anyone asked, he wouldn’t admit it, but he had been looking Jackson up, watching the man’s performances and interviews and finding out more things about him, trying to place these bits of information into the image of what he knew of Jackson. The (apparently) same-age boy had managed to tell him surprisingly much in their rather short moments of conversation, because Jinyoung already knew of Jackson’s long friendship with Mark, his intolerance for spicy food, and about his joyful and joking personality, that the idol seemed to use to the point of trying to cover his insecurities with it.

It all fit, and that made something ache within Jinyoung’s chest. He had gone looking for all this information knowing it was a little masochistic, looking at all these pictures and videos and pieces of information of now, but the hurt felt rather cleansing.

Unfortunately (or rather very, very fortunately), Jinyoung’s rather satisfying soak in self-indulgent pity was rudely interrupted by an incoming Kakao message from an unknown account.

justrelax852: look im sorry i didn’t want u to find out like that, mark really ruined it…… i didn’t even have the chance to explain myself but really, im sorry and i understand if you’re mad at me rn but…
justrelax852: please don’t hate me :(

Jinyoung stared at the screen for long seconds stretching into minutes, turning the words over in his head, trying to make sense of the turmoil he felt. He was getting his hopes up again, embers glowing hotter in the wind bringing them new oxygen to burn, and he knew it was no good.

He should have ignored the messages, blocked the account and went to sleep. It would have been the smart thing to do, the chain of actions that would have led to the least amount of pain and suffering and let-down expectations down the road. But Jinyoung didn’t do what would have been wiser and safer. He sent a short, simple message back, asking who the sender was, just to make sure.

justrelax852: this is jackson……

justrelax852: ((pls don’t sell this acct info on the internet i don’t want to make a new acct again))

A few more messages back and forth revealed that Bambam, that (savior) traitor had given Jinyoung’s contact information to Jackson after he had refused to come out of the back room again. Now that Jackson had the chance to explain himself that Jinyoung had not given him before, he explained that he had been honestly and pleasantly surprised when Jinyoung had not recognized him, and had wanted to know the sales clerk a bit better, but had not really known how to go about it. Jinyoung felt relieved, as Jackson’s words seemed genuine, and he didn’t seem to have tried to play Jinyoung or make a fool out of him. The idol seemed to have only both tried to see what it was like getting to know someone (for the first time in a long time) who wasn’t trying to get close to him because of his fame, and also to find out how far he could go without Jinyoung realizing that he was an idol. And really, if Jinyoung had entertained the thought just a little, he would have realized from the start that Jackson was more famous than just inside the fandom as a fanboy or fansite or whatever. But he hadn’t, and now they were in this situation. Jackson, however, seemed to be ready to put it all behind them, as long as Jinyoung would be fine with continuing like before.

After Jackson’s rambling explanation and profound apology for all and any offense and upset he had caused, and Jinyoung’s acceptance of said apology, Jackson went on to talk as casually as he had engaged Jinyoung in conversation before Jinyoung had found out who Jackson was, like nothing had happened. Jinyoung would have thought it to be weird, and at first he didn’t really know how to respond other than to read Jackson’s messages and answer whenever Jackson had any questions directed at him, but as the messages didn’t seem to stop over a couple of days, Jinyoung slowly, without really realizing it, relaxed and started engaging more in the conversation.

Without consciously noticing it, Jinyoung got used to talking to Jackson, even him mention stuff related to his idol life every now and then became normal - how the styling had taken forever this time or how he had been filming late - and Jinyoung found himself getting worried for the other boy’s sake quite often, learning soon that Jackson was pushing himself to do his best even when he was exhausted or sick. From his side, Jackson cheered Jinyoung on with his studies, and kept telling him to take care of his health no matter how many times Jinyoung called him a hypocrite.

Somehow, they grew to be tentative friends, finding things in common despite the differences in their lives; both of them held their family and friends in high value, both of them were ambitious regarding their more or less future career, and both of them were very supportive of one another reaching those dreams they were working so hard on. It was a comfortable friendship, and Jinyoung got the impression that Jackson didn't really have many to whom he shared his daily on-goings to. Jinyoung felt honored, but made sure to remind himself every so often not get ahead of himself. It was a casual and nice, convenient friendship, nothing more.

Still, Jinyoung felt warm whenever he would get messages from Jackson as the drama student was studying for his finals late into the night. Mostly they messaged during the night, after Jackson was done with his schedules, so Jinyoung was looking forward to those moments everyday. Sometimes Jinyoung would also get silly pics of food and sometimes even selfies during downtime Jackson spent in dressing rooms, and Jinyoung treasured the trust Jackson put in him for not spreading them.

(Jackson had anxiously scanned the social media sites after having sent Jinyoung the first selfie he hadn’t sent anyone else, so scared that he would find it leaked, but when none of the pics he sent to Jinyoung surfaced on the web later, Jackson relaxed and sent more with a lighter heart.)

(There was also the one time Jinyoung knew Jackson had a very exhausting filming, and he had sent a cheering up message for Jackson in the middle of it despite feeling weird and shy about it. Jackson had been on cloud nine, squealing in the back room for several minutes after reading the message and severely grating Mark’s nerves as the manager had desperately tried to get Jackson to focus on what the idol needed to be doing next.)

It had been barely a month since Jackson and Mark had come to pick the stand-in up (Jinyoung had gotten pictures of Jackson placing the stand-in at funny places at his apartment, they were absolutely hilarious), when Jackson sent Jinyoung a message telling him he would be coming over to Korea for some additional filmings, and suggested that they should meet up. Jinyoung had actually known that Jackson was coming, because without telling anyone, especially Bambam or Jackson, he had started to follow Jackson related news and thus had known of the filmings taking place in Korea, but he hadn’t expected the invitation to meet. Hoped for it, sure, but not expected it. Jinyoung felt like gushing about it, but his pride got in the way, and in his panic to hide his excitement about the prospect of meeting Jackson, Jinyoung ended up sending as a response a rather petty message wondering if Jackson could even go anywhere without a chaperone.

Apparently he could, and even though it seemed like Jinyoung was doing his utmost to make their friendship difficult with how it seemed like he could only ever get thorny words out whenever Jackson tried to do something nice towards him, Jackson was nothing if persistent. In the end they did arrange to meet despite Jinyoung’s protests, ranging from crazy fans to Jackson needing more sleep and rest into his schedule, not random meetings with acquaintances.

(Jackson had shot Jinyoung’s worries down by telling him he was an important friend now, and meeting him would make Jackson feel more energetic and happy than a couple of hours of more sleep. Jinyoung had tried to stop the bubbly, warm feeling rising in his stomach in vain.)

It was a hassle, meeting with a celebrity who was only growing in popularity and had plenty of people who were trying to follow him around and snap pictures no matter where he was at. Jinyoung had suggested just going to a grab a coffee and maybe something to eat at a café, but it turned out to be more difficult than he had thought. Jackson had to drive around in a taxi to lose fans off of his tail, and when he finally arrived at the café, it was late and in full disguise, and they had to sit at a table in the corner of the café, not by the windows like Jinyoung maybe would have wanted, but that would have been a too big risk for Jackson being noticed.

All the inconvenience hardly mattered though, because when Jackson finally stepped into the café and saw Jinyoung, he tipped back his snapback and smiled widely, and something skipped in Jinyoung’s chest. Jackson was visibly exhausted, but he grabbed Jinyoung’s hand over the table without further ado, and proceeded to insist he treat the drama student to anything he wanted, ordering food and tea for the both of them. Jinyoung tried to take his hand back when Jackson called the waiter over, but Jackson was having none of it, and listed their order without seemingly a care in the word that their fingers were completely visibly linked on top of the table, an action quite familiar for just two same-sex friends. Jinyoung wanted to hide his face with the glance the waiter gave their entwined hands, feeling bashful, but he knew this was just how Jackson was, touchy and affectionate and from a different culture, so if Jackson wanted to hold hands, then okay. Jinyoung liked it, anyway. Too much.

Jinyoung felt horribly bashful and nervous for about the first half an hour, his hand getting clammy in Jackson’s hold, but Jackson didn’t seem to mind. The Hong Kong man asked a lot of questions about how Jinyoung’s finals were going, and he answered dutifully, scolding Jackson when Jackson got all worried about the amount of sleep he wasn’t getting - “you’re one to talk, you look like you’ve just been raised from your grave” - and why was Jinyoung again saying something nasty when he got feeling all fuzzy and warm because of Jackson?

But although Jinyoung was unnecessary mean and snappy in his words, Jackson’s laugh was loud and warm, his eyes sparkling at Jinyoung and making him feel even more confused inside as his feelings welled to be much stronger and persistent than Jinyoung had thought. What he had thought to be just embers making a lot of smoke was a hungry fire, and Jinyoung’s attempts at tamping the flames down seemed only to be fueling them more.

A cold dump of water into reality was, however, when some fans found them on the street afterwards as they had decided to walk a bit outside as it was already dark and Jackson should have been somewhat safe from being recognized. They didn’t even really do anything, only trailed after them and asked if the person in Jackson’s company was a friend, how he knew him and so forth, holding up smartphones to record the interaction. Jinyoung pulled up the collars of his wool coat, feeling very self-conscious as Jackson gave vague answers of “he’s a friend” and “we’ve known for a while” and even a “I would appreciate it if you could leave us alone” that fell onto deaf ears.

“You know what, let’s take a taxi the rest of the way,” Jackson suggested at the next corner of the street when the fans made no move to go away and Jinyoung was still obviously stiff and uncomfortable by the continuing surveillance.

Jackson rushed to open the door for him although the driver had gotten out to do just that, and held a hand on Jinyoung’s back as Jinyoung got inside. The touch burned as Jinyoung was painfully aware of the cameras still filming, his insides in turmoil and chest tight with distress, thoughts racing as he wondered where those clips of video would end up at, what people would say, if a friend of Jinyoung’s would see the clips and come asking him about them.

But most of all, Jinyoung was wondering how on earth Jackson dealt with this sort of a thing every day.

Jinyoung observed Jackson’s face and body language as the sought-after idol sat down in the car and told the driver where to go. Jackson didn’t seem as stiff or distressed as Jinyoung was, but there was clear frustration in the tone of his voice and the line of his posture. The exhaustion Jinyoung hadn’t seen after Jackson had cheered up at the café was back again, weighing heavy on the brunette’s broad shoulders and obvious on his face when Jackson finally turned to Jinyoung to apologize for his fans.

Jinyoung brushed it off. “It’s fine, you don’t have to apologize, it’s not your fault.”

“It is though,” Jackson’s laugh was empty, a shadow of the bright laughter Jinyoung had heard before in the caféteria, “if it would not be for me, you wouldn’t have had to go through that.”

Jinyoung shook his head and placed rather boldly a hand on Jackson’s thigh, squeezing it comfortingly as he tried to get his message through. “It’s not. You didn’t ask to be followed around. Don’t you get tired of this? Having to hide and being recognized wherever you go?”

The sadness in Jackson’s smile broke Jinyoung’s heart. “It’s the price I have to pay for my dreams.”

The silence afterwards was heavy, Jinyoung’s hand remaining on Jackson’s thigh. After a moment Jackson rested his hand on Jinyoung’s, tracing the edges of Jinyoung’s fingers distractedly but not raising his face from where his gaze was fixed on the action, apparently having run out of words for once. Jinyoung wasn’t sure what to say either to lessen Jackson’s upset, but as the silence stretched on and grew to be too long and oppressive, Jinyoung opened his big mouth and blurted, “I wonder if an actor is a good choice of career for me after all.”

This, at least, made Jackson’s eyes snap back up to Jinyoung’s face. “Why? Because of the publicity and fans?” Jinyoung nodded hesitantly, and Jackson continued, “Yeah, that’s a part of it, if you get popular like I know you can and will. But I don’t think you should give up on your dream because of that. There are things we have to give up for the things we work hard for, right? So this is just something that being in the entertainment industry makes a bit more difficult, having a normal life that is.”

Jinyoung pursed his lips, but Jackson’s eyes were so sincere and his expression so serious, that Jinyoung knew his words were solemnly meant, and most likely true. And after all, Jinyoung had known from the start that if he became a popular actor there would be downsides to the fame. It was just that today for the first time he really understood what it meant, not even being able to have a dat- uh, a meeting with a friend without being worried about fans finding them and stalking them.

Deciding that Jinyoung needed some more convincing, Jackson entwined their fingers on his thigh and squeezed Jinyoung’s heart as a sincere, small smile spread on his lips, the surface of them looking so dark and inviting in the dim lighting of the taxi. “I know you will be good and reach your dreams if you are just ready to work hard for it. Actor Park, super famous first love of the country, the magazines will say. Believe me.”

Jinyoung squeezed Jackson’s fingers before flipping his hand so he was holding Jackson’s hand properly instead of holding onto his rather muscular thigh, nodding again. His voice was lower and heavier than it should have been as he answered, “Okay, I do.”

Jinyoung’s eyes were lowered to their hands, but he could still see the brightness of Jackson’s smile from the corner of his eye, and he told himself it was nothing, although he could feel the flames licking at his chest. They would leave only ashes behind when they would finally die from their own impossibility, but maybe Jinyoung had accepted that eventuality already.

Whatever videos or pictures were taken that day of Jinyoung and Jackson on an evening stroll, they didn’t become a big enough thing for Jinyoung to see them on his usual sources of fandom on-goings and news. However, the selfie Bambam had taken with Jackson and the stand-in was still going around, resurfacing after Jackson had posted on Weibo one of the pictures he had sent Jinyoung earlier, the one with his stand-in hidden in his toilet at Shanghai apartment. Jinyoung felt warm inside knowing it was the one he had said he had found the funniest, but of course, he didn’t know how to express this happiness to Jackson, always so at loss when it came to kind words regarding their relationship.

They continued sending messages although they both were busy, Jinyoung with the last of the work he needed to do before he would graduate and Jackson with his comeback preparations. At some point they went for days without really talking, just sending pictures of whatever they were doing at the moment and answering with emojis or other pictures hours later. Frankly, Jinyoung was quite surprised with how much effort Jackson was putting into their friendship with how busy he knew the Chinese superstar was, but he couldn’t deny he liked it although he had already admitted to himself that he would have wanted to have something more, something impossible with the brown-haired, warm-eyed, kind and wonderful bundle of joy of a man from Hong Kong. But Jinyoung settled for what he could have, and if he could bring even a little more happiness to the hard-working man’s life by being his friend even while Jinyoung’s own feelings were left unaddressed, Jinyoung thought it was worth it.

The day of Jinyoung’s graduation ceremony came. Jackson wasn’t there, but how could he? The Chinese idol was in the middle of filmings and would definitely have been recognized if he had appeared at Jinyoung’s university, so it wasn’t possible. Anyway, Jackson sent him encouraging messages with way too many emojis beforehand, and Jinyoung’s family was there for him, so Jinyoung was content. He had gotten enlisted by an agency and had parts as extras at a couple of different movies and one small appearance in a drama lined up, so he was quite well off for a recent graduate who had no true experience from acting before. Jackson was so proud of him of course when Jinyoung told him later that day, insisting that they do a video call when he was free later.

Jinyoung almost fell asleep waiting, but it was worth seeing Jackson’s tired face in the grainy and dark video his laptop was able to send in the dim lighting of his apartment. Jinyoung was trying to downplay his achievements of graduating at the top of his class and being enlisted by such a good and respected agency, but Jackson was hyped, insisting they celebrate whenever Jackson would be in Korea and could get the time off.

Jinyoung hadn’t expected Jackson to call him the following week, asking him for his address, explaining that his flight had landed in Incheon not even ten minutes ago, and bluntly telling Jinyoung he was coming over.

There had been no warning, no schedule in Korea and no pictures from the airport like there usually was when Jackson was scheduled to fly between the countries. Jinyoung spent the hour and half Jackson took to get from the airport to Jinyoung’s apartment building running to the convenience store to get some other groceries than just instant ramen, and to clean up his apartment although it was already fairly organized, having no time to wonder why on earth Jackson was in Korea, and why he was insisting on coming to Jinyoung’s place anyway if he had a sudden schedule or something.

It was an absolutely absurd feeling, opening the door to his studio apartment to see Jackson standing behind it, eyes sparkling and mouth in a wide smile, carry-on luggage in one hand and a completely oversized bottle of champagne and a box apparently containing cake balanced on the other. Jackson greeted Jinyoung cheerfully and stepped in without further ado, blowing into Jinyoung’s life like a gust of wind throwing everything out of place as he set his extravagant gifts on Jinyoung’s dining table, looking completely out of place on it’s scratched and rather dull surface. But Jackson didn’t seem to notice the dissonance or maybe he didn’t care, taking off his outerwear and hanging it casually onto Jinyoung’s coat rack like it had always belonged there.

When Jackson turned to Jinyoung, congratulations flowing from his full lips and happiness sparkling in his eyes Jinyoung just couldn’t take it anymore, his feelings overwhelming him, demanding more from him than he would dare to give. Throwing caution, dignity and unnecessary pride to the wind Jinyoung went and pulled the shorter man into a firm hug, pressing the side of his head against Jackson’s as Jackson easily hooked his jaw over Jinyoung’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Jinyoung’s waist.

Jackson melted into the embrace, humming contently as Jinyoung held onto him harder. The remains of Jinyoung’s sense were making an attempt at calculating how long he could hold onto Jackson before it would become weird, but for now, Jinyoung and Jinyoung’s heart didn’t care. It was alright to hug in this situation, he had just received a congratulations and Jackson had just arrived in Korea after being away for weeks, so. That was it. Jinyoung was thankful that Jackson was here now, so immensely happy to see the man from Hong Kong, and just so overwhelmed that he tried for once to say something nice when he really needed to, trying to just once not fall back on being prickly as a defense.

Nothing eloquent was coming out though, so Jinyoung ended up saying simply “thank you for coming.” Not even a ‘nice to see you’, but. He had tried. It had already taken a lot of effort to say that much, voice wavering slightly from the emotional weight on the words as the flames burned and his heart squeezed in his chest. This is why he usually never said things like these. It felt like he would combust. It was much easier to just thwart the subject.

Jackson’s slight chuckle was delightful to hear and even nicer to feel as vibrations of his chest, pressed against Jinyoung, and Jinyoung never wanted to let go although he knew the moment was coming to a close.

Jinyoung was not sure if he imagined the way Jackson nuzzled his face into Jinyoung’s shoulder or not before the shorter boy let go of Jinyoung and took half a step back, smiling brightly. “My pleasure.”

Jinyoung’s eyes had slipped downwards from Jackson’s warm eyes to fixate on how Jackson traced his tongue over his peachy lips in what almost seemed like a nervous manner, so he didn’t see the determined glint Jackson’s eyes took. Suddenly the grip the Hong Kong idol held of Jinyoung’s biceps tightened slightly, before Jackson got onto the balls of his feet and planted a quick peck on Jinyoung’s full lips. And Jinyoung didn’t see any of it coming, because despite all of his smarts, Jinyoung was still so blind to some things.

Safe to say, Jinyoung was more than slightly taken by surprise, and totally thrown off the loop by Jackson’s action, his brain blaring alarms and straining to catch up as he took hasty steps back, one hand coming to cover his lips while his eyes were fixated on the adorable flush spreading on the apples of Jackson’s cheeks.

What the fuck had just happened and why?

It had been a spur of the moment thing, like a lot of Jackson’s actions seemed to be when it came to Jinyoung, done without consulting common sense or what was the wise chain of actions in the long run. But it must have been inevitable, because this impulsiveness seemed to be a constant in every action Jackson had done so far to get closer to Jinyoung, from visiting the store several times when Jinyoung still didn’t know who he was to pleading Bambam for Jinyoung’s contact information when he had found out, and finally to flying over today. Jackson could have used the meager two days he had off from his schedules to visit his parents or rest after an exhausting stretch of work done for his comeback and the preparations for all the shows that were awaiting him after, but no. Instead Jackson had come to Seoul with no real plan, just a suitcase with his overnight things and a vague idea of getting his usual hotel, plus some congratulatory gifts purchased from the airport to make his excuse for seeing Jinyoung more plausible.

He had just really, really wanted to see Jinyoung, although it had only been a couple of weeks since the last time.

So like everything Jackson had done regarding Jinyoung so far, he had just impulsively surged forward when he had deemed it suitable and given the peck to Jinyoung’s lips, throwing caution to the wind like he were invincible and unable to get his heart broken if this turned out for the worst. Which was far from the truth, because never had he ever been so scared of being rejected, since for some reason Jackson could explain, the things he felt for Jinyoung were stronger and made him vulnerable than any romantic feelings he had held for anyone else before.

Assessing Jinyoung’s initial reaction, Jackson wasn’t quite sure if the risk he took was paying off or not, because although the flush of Jinyoung’s ears and face was rather promising, especially with how gingerly Jinyoung was touching his lips where Jackson’s had been touching his just a moment before, the first words out of Jinyoung’s mouth were rather… discouraging.

“You can’t just kiss someone on the lips, Jackson!!”

Jackson puffed out his bottom lip, crossing his arms in front of himself as he tried to regain some composure. He didn’t knowing where he stood now with Jinyoung’s reaction, but it was too late to back out anyway, so he kept pushing forward. “You’re not just anyone! Do you think I give out my contact information out to ‘just anyone’? Message ‘just anyone’ every single day? Take ‘just anyone’ out for coffee? Hold hands? Fly to another country just to meet ‘just anyone’?”

Jinyoung’s hand finally dropped from his mouth, full lips hanging open as he gaped at Jackson, something like aggravation flashing in his beautiful black eyes as he latched onto only a part of the information Jackson had tried to convey. “You flew over to Korea just for me? What are you, insane? That’s expensive, and you should be resting, not flying more if you have extra time!”

So much for thankfulness, Jackson figured. But it was just like Jinyoung to get worried over him instead of saying something nice, so Jackson simply shrugged, giving a tight smile. He rubbed a hand nervously over his own bicep as he wondered whether he had made a mistake after all, feeling small.

“It’s up to me what I do on my free time and with my money, isn’t it,” Jackson said softly.  Jinyoung’s scoffed and Jackson could see that the younger man wanted to argue more and stress that Jackson needed to put his health first. Thankfully though Jinyoung decided otherwise, returning back to his original topic of frustration instead, which was also the subject Jackson very much wanted addressed so he would know how Jinyoung felt about him.

“Jackson, but what I meant was that you can’t just kiss someone on the lips- it’s a boyfriend thing, not a friend thing.”

“Well what if I want us to be boyfriends?” Jackson blurted in frustration, gesticulating with his arms, slightly offended that the possibility apparently hadn’t even crossed Jinyoung’s mind. His voice had risen in half panic half annoyance with both in pitch and volume, adrenaline taking over because he had just completely revealed his cards now, baring his heart for Jinyoung to do whatever he wanted.

“Why on earth would you want that?? You’re an international superstar with hoards of fangirls and boys and tons of good-looking co-stars you could choose from, why on earth would you want to be with me? That makes no sense!” Jinyoung’s voice was borderline hysterical too, his usually so calm exterior distorted into something like anguish. His words, however, gave additional strength to Jackson, although not by giving the older confidence in his confession, but rather because of the irritation he felt with Jinyoung questioning both himself as a choice and Jackson’s sincerity.

“You think I’m joking? I’ve been courting you for months now Park Jinyoung, don’t tell me who I can or can’t like.” Jackson fumed, hands clenched into fists at his sides, shoulders rising and lowering as he drew a deep breath before biting out between gritted teeth, “So will you, or will you not?”

“What?” Jinyoung asked, eyes wild, and Jackson willed himself to push forward, to get the words out that he was afraid to say now that this evening had started much differently than he had hoped.

“Be my boyfriend?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened in shock, onyx orbs hidden under lids briefly several times as Jinyoung took in Jackson’s words, soft pink lips opening slightly as a breath Jackson couldn’t hear but could imagine escaped from between them. At least Jackson didn’t have to imagine their softness anymore, because they had been exactly like he had imagined, plump, soft and strong against Jackson’s even in just that brief peck he had stolen before everything had gone awry.

Focused on the movement of Jinyoung’s lips, Jackson missed the “fine” that was half whispered in the silence between them.

“What did you say?” Jackson snapped a bit too harshly as he drew his attention back to Jinyoung’s eyes, trying to fight the urge to kiss those delicious lips again as he was trying to resolve this situation so they would at least know where they stood afterwards.

“I SAID FINE.”

Upon looking up at Jinyoung’s eyes Jackson noted that the handsome man was flushing from embarrassment, eyes conflicted and shoulders heaving much like Jackson’s were, and he realized both of them were on the edge, anxious. The whole situation was ridiculous now - did they just have a fight which result was that they were boyfriends? Had Jackson understood it correctly now?

Jinyoung looked as confused as Jackson felt, frustration slowly seeping away from his frame as the two of them stared at one another as the terse silence stretched on.

Jackson didn’t know who moved first, but suddenly his cap was flying onto the floor as Jinyoung’s fingers had come up to flick it off, and Jackson’s hand was making its way into the slightly taller man’s soft, unbleached hair, mussing it and tugging softly on the strands. Their lips met in the middle, Jackson’s dry and full lips moving against Jinyoung’s plump and soft ones, the kiss deepening quickly as Jackson tilted his face up and to the side. His other hand was clutching on the sweater of the arm Jinyoung had slung around his waist to pull him close, still not fully understanding what was happening, but sure as hell enjoying it. The kiss was soft, hot and wet, plump lips explored by pliant and curious tongues, sharp teeth coming to nip at bottom lips just to change it up a little every now and then. Jackson was noisy, humming into the kiss as Jinyoung sucked on his bottom lip and Jackson swallowed the sigh Jinyoung let out when Jackson tugged on his black locks of hair gently.

Jackson was pretty sure it was Jinyoung who was the first to align their hips so that he could press a thigh between Jackson’s thighs, but it was definitely Jackson who was the first to grind their hips together lightly, just to test the waters but not doing anything more than that. They parted for breath, hot puffs of air breathed on each other’s damp lips as they took the moment to take in the picture. Jackson let out a breathy, giddy laugh, suddenly overwhelmed by how happy he was feeling now that he had Jinyoung this close, and for himself. Jinyoung kissed the sound off of his lips, but from the way his eyes had crinkled into the whiskers Jackson so loved, he was quite sure the younger was feeling quite happy too.

They took their time, alternating between peppering kisses over each other’s faces and mapping out each other’s mouths with their tongues, at the same time in no hurry and doing everything like this were their last moment on earth. They talked about what would happen now and where they stood with one another, Jinyoung expressing uncertainty over dating a celebrity and Jackson swearing he would do everything so that the baggage of his fame would get as little in their way as possible. Still, things stood so that they lived in different countries, both seeking intensive, a lot of time requiring careers with irregular schedules, and them being together wouldn’t be easy no matter what.

“I think it’s worth it,” Jackson whispered as he brushed back Jinyoung’s black hair behind his ear where they were laying on the bed with all their clothes on, just staring at one another from up close. “It won’t be easy, but I would regret it so much if I wouldn’t give our relationship a try and my utmost effort. I would forever keep wondering what we could have had if I just would have done more.”

Jinyoung hummed, closing his eyes as Jackson lightly traced fingertips around the Korean male’s ear, before opening them again and smiling so softly and carefully. They were holding hands in the space between them, fingers entwined, and Jinyoung’s thumb was gently brushing over the back of Jackson’s palm.

“So let’s not wonder.” Jinyoung’s voice was both soft and strong, fond but determined. “It’s worth a shot. You’re worth getting my heart broken over, if that’s how it’ll end up like.”

Jackson’s laughter was light. He shuffled closer to his new boyfriend to place a tender kiss on those deliciously kiss-swollen lips, lingering because he could, enjoying the way Jinyoung pressed back and opened his lips just slightly to run a tongue over the surface of Jackson’s lips. Jackson knew both his eyes and voice were a bit watery, but it hardly mattered. He felt so helpless in this love, having given his fragile heart for Jinyoung to hold and simply trusting the younger to hold it gently.

“I rather suspect it would be me getting my heart broken, but be as it may. Even just this moment would be worth the pain.”

Jinyoung punched his arm gently, calling him a romantic fool and kissing him silent for saying such cheesy words (despite having said quite cheesy words himself).

Jackson had a feeling that despite the odds against them, they would be alright.

And they were.

Like Jackson had said, it hadn’t been easy. There were times when they were apart for a long time, and when they had the possibility to see each other, it was only for a short time, and it wasn’t a normal kind of a dating relationship, mostly due to Jackson’s fame, but that had been something they had known and had to accept from the start. It mostly meant that they had dates out very rarely, with how difficult it was to be out with Jackson without being noticed and trailed, so they met at Jinyoung’s apartment instead, or at Jackson’s hotel, and when Jinyoung’s acting jobs had really started to work out for him, he flew over to China to stay over at Jackson’s apartment for some days. Mostly though for the first few years, they simply sent a lot of messages every day, called and did video calls regularly, putting the effort in keeping up the relationship despite the distance working against them.

It was safe to say that another reason they rarely met in public was that whenever they had a moment to actually be physically there for one another… Well, they wanted to get physical with one another. After the first time Mark had been locked out of the hotel room he had booked with Jackson (as had been normal up until then) for hours, the manager and best friend was smart enough to invest in always booking Jackson a hotel room of his own if the idol and variety star had not already informed him that he would be spending the whole time over at Jinyoung’s place. Just for Mark’s own sanity.

When Bambam had found out of their relationship (which had happened rather soon, like the Thai boy had been expecting it or something and thus looked for the signs) he insisted he would be Jinyoung’s best man at the wedding. Jinyoung tried to inform his dongsaeng that he had long since promised that spot for his childhood friend Jaebum (Jinyoung was really glad how much of a no-bullshit attitude Jaebum had towards Jackson, threatening to break his nose if he hurt Jinyoung. Jackson took a liking to him immediately), but the words fell onto deaf ears.

Jinyoung became a renowned actor, getting his own share of the problematic fame, but not being so shocked by the side effects of it after having seen them for years with Jackson. There were a lot of rumours over the years about them, but thankfully for them, they managed to keep their relationship secret for a long time, even after having bought a flat together in Seoul (where Jackson only managed to spend half his time). They became a publicly known pair only seven years after they had met, when Jackson decided the best way to propose to Jinyoung was very publicly at a year-end award show they both had been invited to attend and had agreed to be somewhat discreet at.

Well, Jackson had told a white lie, but it was really only for the sake of his emotional proposal in the midst of his award acceptance speech. It was the talk of the week, magazines and netizens going crazy about it, but all in all, the general opinion seemed to be that they were well matched, a handsome pair that perfectly complimented one another.

It was nice, too, that after that they could openly hold hands in public without worrying about it afterwards.

Despite Jinyoung’s protests, Jackson managed to get his way, and the stand-in Jackson had come to ask for him to give all those years ago was proudly on display at their wedding, and he retold their story for everyone to Jinyoung’s embarrassment.

Jinyoung had Jackson make it up to him that night though, so it was all alright, in the end.