Unless I Feel You Next To Me

[daeseol]

Title: Unless I Feel You Next To Me
Pair: Suho/D.O
Rating: PG
Length: 9169 words
Summary: Catching up with what you've missed for three years isn't easy but Kyungsoo is innately taking things on the bright side, even if they aren’t working the way he thinks they ought to be.
Warning/s: Maybe a bit of sad story. Like breakup.
Note: First of all, I have the slightest knowledge about physical therapy so some things may be inconsistent but for literary purposes, let all things be? Second, this is self-beta-ed a.k.a. I think there are no errors because when I last read through it, it sounded okay but there probably still are lots and I missed them because how do you even beta your own work sad faces everyone. And lastly, a lot of heartfelt gratitude to my lovely kyungsooperior tlist/friends. It was a struggle (I think we all agree to this?) but writing for this challenge was still an awesome experience. I hope we’ll all enjoy reading the products of our almost endless shedding of tears. Congratulations everyone! ♥



The nostalgia of mornings is what fills Kyungsoo’s chest everytime he spends them out in the hospital gardens. It’s his usual start of the day, except when it gets rainy and he stays in his room, wheelchair pulled in front of the window as he watches raindrops hit glass in a rhythm. He likes it, too, the wet weather, but he likes sunshines more.

Three years spent lying in bed almost lifelessly has created in Kyungsoo a longing for the outside. He was in a state of comatose for three years until six months ago; he's a miracle, the doctors regard him. Since then he’s undergone therapy sessions and, surprisingly, recovery has never been too elusive for him. A little over five months and he regains his speech faster than he can keep himself standing up, a progress which isn’t really bad at all.

When the sun peeks through fluffy clouds, he makes sure he feels daylight. He enjoys the cozy warmth of sunshine as it seeps through the thin blankets laid over his limbs and the cool breeze that rakes but kindly on his face. He likes them mostly in solitary but he doesn’t mind the company of people like his therapist or other patients who take short strolls outside almost bare hospital rooms.

When he goes out, he squints when the sunlight is too bright for his still adjusting eyes but he doesn’t shut them; strangely, he misses the sting. When it's no longer bearable it's only then that he closes his eyes and feels his surroundings. He smells the fresh leaves and cool breeze of spring. Then he remembers summer and its heat, and then he gets excited for the crisp autumn and the chilly winter. He misses them. He misses the feeling of feeling things again.

Maybe he misses the feeling of having somebody beside him, too.

It’s one of those mornings when Kyungsoo kindly asks his therapist to let him be alone in his favorite spot, a bench under the shade of a huge tree in the middle of the garden. He brings a book with him which he reads aloud mainly for therapeutic purposes, but this time he keeps it closed, both hands rested on its cover. He inhales, letting the crisp, cool air fill his lungs, keeping it in before breathing out slowly. It’s a daily routine before everything, the closest to exercise he can do without his therapist’s help. It's a small thing but it makes him feel more accomplished about his recovery.

“Do Kyungsoo?”

A voice catches Kyungsoo off guard and he almost chokes on air in surprise. A young man stands next to him in light blue blazers, jeans and a white shirt, looking at him with a tinge of mixed excitement and joy. He probably is the same age as Kyungsoo and he gives off a kind vibe with his gentle smile, crescent eyes, and rosy cheeks. The way the stranger looks at him sort of creeps Kyungsoo out but he gives him the benefit of the doubt and resolves not to panic yet. He doesn't seem any bad anyway.

"Yes?" Kyungsoo asks politely but he gets a light chuckle for a response. For a second, he wonders if he should feel a little bad but he decides not to take offense in it. Besides, as he normally is, he doesn't mind a conversation with a stranger.

The stranger looks at the empty bench right beside Kyungsoo and raises brows. “Can I take this seat?”

Kyungsoo nods before he can even decide whether he should entertain him or not. He’s never seen him before. The stranger is dressed up too casually to be either a patient or a hospital staff. Although he's used to keep small talks with people he hardly knows, he still can't help but feel cautious because this guy is an outsider. Kyungsoo looks at him with scrutiny and prudence, although his almost perennially round eyes fail to convey a change in emotions. It’s a funny silence when they simply stare at each other but the stranger seems to get the message.

“I'm Junmyeon, if an introduction would ease you a bit,” Junmyeon says as if answering Kyungsoo’s muted question.

"Oh," Kyungsoo mutters. "Hi Junmyeon. Nice to meet you. Is there anything, uh, you need from me?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to see you. It's my first time hearing your voice," Junmyeon says, keeping the same bright smile he's worn since he appeared right beside Kyungsoo. There is satisfaction and relief in the way his words roll out of his lips. The latter remains silent but keeps a confused expression.

Junmyeon doesn't say anything, too. He's staring at the hard-bound maroon book resting on Kyungsoo's lap. Feeling a little awkward, Kyungsoo thinks he can use it as a topic to keep their conversation going so he breaks the silence and explains. "I practice reading. Part of my therapy. Not really a fan of drama books."

He ends with a chuckle, finding it funny how he sounds defensive, and Junmyeon laughs with a hand over his mouth. A tinge of pink stains Kyungsoo's cheeks as he bites on his lower lip to keep a bit of embarrassment inside.

"That's adorable," Junmyeon says.

"Sorry," Kyungsoo mutters, lowering his head a bit while fumbling on the edges of the book. It's like a collection of short stories, mostly prose of slices of life, something you could pull out of some public library shelves.

"Do you like fantasy?" Junmyeon says. For speech recovery purposes, Junmyeon does agree that the book isn't bad, any book will do, but he does think it won't hurt making sessions more interesting for Kyungsoo.

"I think I'd prefer it over this one?" Kyungsoo admits shyly.

"I think I have a couple of it back home. I can bring some if you want," Junmyeon says and Kyungsoo mutters a thank you. He may be a little unsure what exactly to feel about this but he thinks Junmyeon is a kind person. Besides, he's given Kyungsoo something to look forward to for the next day so he guesses it shouldn't be bad to entertain him again.

Junmyeon pulls the sleeves of his blazers and looks at his wrist watch. "I'm really sorry if this is so awkward and maybe creepy but it's nice to meet you. Also, I have to go," he says, standing up carefully with a light sigh. "Is it okay if I see you again tomorrow?"

“Nice to meet you, too. And I wouldn’t mind. Thank you?” Kyungsoo, still puzzled, nods. Before Junmyeon begins walking away, he calls him and blurts out a question he initially hesitated asking. "Uh, how do you know me?"

He has the right to know and he'll ask it sooner or later anyway so he thinks now wouldn't make much of a difference. Junmyeon pauses, blinks, and stares at him innocently before breaking into a smile. "Oh. Sorry, I forgot to say. I'm Doctor Kim's younger brother."

The name rings a bell but it doesn't quickly sink in Kyungsoo that Doctor Kim is his doctor. When he does, he grows surprised, apparent with how his eyes become wide, but it's more on the amused side than the creeped out one. He watches as Junmyeon walks away.

They meet again at the same place at almost the same time. Junmyeon wears almost the same thing except for the colored shirt and brighter shade of jeans. They start with an exchange of good mornings and Kyungsoo is immediately handed with a couple of books.

"Hello! And as promised," Junmyeon says and his lips curl to his signature kind, gentle smile.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo says and smiles back. "I'll read them after this," he continues, holding the same book as yesterday by the spine. "I don't want my therapist to feel bad not finishing his book. I heard this is his fave," he chuckles lightly and Junmyeon simply nods.

Silence falls right after, the same time a crisp spring breeze blows, rustling fresh leaves of the trees nearby. Kyungsoo breathes in, holding it for a second as the cool air fills his lungs again, and exhales. He does it one more time, almost oblivious of Junmyeon looking at him in amusement.

"You really like mornings, do you? Hyung told me," Junmyeon says.

For a moment, Kyungsoo forgets about the fact that Junmyeon is his doctor's brother and it takes him quite a few seconds to properly catch what Junmyeon is saying. He feels a funny burn in his cheeks and he nods smiling. “My hyung said I woke up on a sunny morning,” Kyungsoo says a little melancholy. "He said it's perfect. I guess so, too. Mornings are always a perfect time for a new start."

"I agree," Junmyeon says. "Where is your hyung, by the way?"

"He went back to the US to check on his family and business there," Kyungsoo replies promptly. "He was here with me though until three months ago." Junmyeon feels a tinge of sadness as the other drowns his voice.

"And your parents?"

Kyungsoo heaves a deep sigh. "I only have my brother with me," he answers, still promptly but with a definite end to it. He apparently doesn't want to add more to it with the way he bites his lower lip, staring blankly on the underside of the book resting on his blanketed lap.

"How did you know about me, by the way?" Kyungsoo suddenly asks, his low voice shifting to his normal, lively tone. He drops the earlier subject and Junmyeon is kind enough to do the same. "I mean, did Doctor Kim tell a lot of bad things about me? I know I pee my bed a lot."

Junmyeon laughs a little harder than necessary. "No. He didn't tell me about that," he says. "Well, he had always said he had a gut feeling you will live."

There is a warm fuzz in Kyungsoo's chest, a good one, and he smiles. "Really?"

Junmyeon nods. "He brought me in the hospital three years ago, a few weeks after you got admitted. He told me your name, a bit of what happened, and what he thinks will happen to you."

It’s something Kyungsoo isn’t expecting but there is a painful coil in his stomach. Images of a burning car and blood-painted asphalt roads flash in his head and he feels nauseous, sight swirling as he pulls a hand to rub his temple. He’s holding his breath in so he doesn’t throw up. When his elbow misses the armrest of his wheelchair, he almost falls and Junmyeon is just quick enough to hold him by the shoulder and chest to keep him up.

"Hey, are you alright?" Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo nods but he doesn't seem to be fine at all. He looks pale all of a sudden, eyes teary and tired, fingers trembling, and he's cold. Junmyeon is worried and he feels a bit guilty, thinking that he might have triggered something out of Kyungsoo from what he just said.

"I guess it'd be better if you get some rest," he says, standing up to take the handle of Kyungsoo's wheelchair. "I'll bring you to your room and call the therapist."

"I'm...sorry," Kyungsoo mumbles as Junmyeon drives him out of the gardens and back to the hospital rooms.

Kyungsoo does as he is told and takes a nap, waking up before noon only to find himself alone in his room. He feels a lot better now, gone are the sick feeling in his stomach and the flashes of past he never wants to remember again. There is a bit of disappointment not seeing Junmyeon around but he thinks it's a little selfish to expect an acquaintance to look after him while asleep. He sits on his bed and sees an apply on his desk, wondering if it’s something his therapist has quietly left for him to eat. When he takes it, a small paper sticks to its bum, scribbles painting it.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to make you feel bad on your favorite part of the day. I swear I'll make it up to you. Again, sorry and feel better soon~ !(^o^)! -Junmyeon"

Kyungsoo feels a little warm in the chest and he smiles. He thinks Junmyeon's handwriting is cute, too.

Junmyeon appears again two days later, this time, at the doorstep of Kyungsoo's room. To their disappointment, the day begins with a drizzle and the cloud grows darker, heavier by the minute.

When Junmyeon knocks, Kyungsoo is on his wheelchair, staring past the window as water hits and trickles down the glasses. He turns around, lips pulling to a beam when he sees his visitor.

"How are you feeling?" Junmyeon asks as he steps inside, taking his jacket off and hanging it on a nearby chair. “I brought fruits by the way,” he says as he puts a basket of oranges and apples on the desk.

“Thank you. I liked the apple,” Kyungsoo says, still smiling. “And I feel great.”

Junmyeon nods and sits on the chair where he placed his jacket. “I’m sorry about the other day. I should be more careful with my words.”

“No. It’s totally fine. Not your fault,” Kyungsoo simply shakes his head. There is a reassuring tone in his words and the curve of his lips tells the same.

When no one speaks again, Kyungsoo stares again at the window, watching the rain as if the frame is a screen to him.

“Do you think today is a good morning?” Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo keeps his sight beyond the windows. He doesn’t say anything at first, as if he’s gone deep in thought at the question. Junmyeon doesn’t seem to mind; it can be rhetoric but he will still appreciate an answer.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo answers, pulling himself closer to the window, index finger on it. The room is extra cooler and it creates a thin layer moisture on the glass so that Kyungsoo can actually doodle on it. “Mornings should always be good.”

“I guess so, too,” Junmyeon says. “You’ll need that a lot.”

This time, Kyungsoo looks at him with a little confusion. “What a lot?”

“Positive attitude,” Junmyeon answers. “It’ll help you a lot. Recovery, I mean. Keep it up,” he continues, pursing his lips to conclude his sentence.

Kyungsoo blinks at him blankly at first then giggles. “Thanks,” he says, drawing a fancy swirly sun on the misty window glass. “I will.”

“I hope you don’t mind me visiting you frequently,” Junmyeon says when he goes straight to Kyungsoo’s room one afternoon. He may not admit it but he may have liked the way Kyungsoo shakes his head a little fervently than necessary. It’s become a newly found habit for Junmyeon and Kyungsoo admits he’s getting used to the other’s presence so he assures that it doesn’t really a bother.

“I don’t really. You’re always welcome here. A hundred percent,” Kyungsoo says.

“You don’t get much visits, do you?” Junmyeon asks. He’s opening a box of brownies he brings with him, placing two on a small plate, and hands it to Kyungsoo.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo mumbles. “And yes. Except for the therapist in the afternoon. And Doctor Kim.”

Junmyeon simply watches as Kyungsoo begins munching on the cakes. He takes them slowly, as if figuring out the flavors, and nods appreciatively in every bite. When he shuts his lips and pauses, Junmyeon slightly raises a brow, waiting for words from Kyungsoo.

“I like it,” the latter finally says.

“I thought you wouldn't. You got me a bit anxious there,” Junmyeon kids, sighing in relief somewhat exaggeratedly and he gets a hiss from Kyungsoo, chuckling as he shakes his head. They share a short moment of laughter until the sounds are drowned back to silence. It's no longer the uncomfortable one; they have finally gotten accustomed to it and they don't awfully attempt to break it in awkward ways. At that point, Junmyeon finds himself looking at Kyungsoo with slightly curved eyes and a satisfied smile. He stares at the other's face and notices his adorable round eyes, puffy cheeks, and pink heart-shaped lips. He seems a lot cheerful, healthier by the turn of each day and Junmyeon is glad about it. He's never realized how fond he has become of Kyungsoo until that day.

"Blueberries," Kyungsoo says, holding a piece of cookie bitten on the edge.

"Why? You don't like blueberries?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I like it. It's just… it reminds me of somebody."

There is an apparent change in his tone, a sudden shift in the mood as he drops the cookie back to the plate.

“Somebody?”

The nod Kyungsoo gives is a little hesitant. When he lifts his head to meet Junmyeon in the eye, there is a sense of longingness in them and it hits Junmyeon a little too hard than it should be. He’s seen Kyungsoo miss people, feel quite down as he tells how he wants to see his brother again, his puppy that is probably already a dog by now, or his year-old goldfish in his bedroom. It’s different this time and Junmyeon is almost nearly moved to stand up and hug the other but he lets Kyungsoo tell him what it is, whenever he feels like doing so, before he does something that might seem unasked for.

“Yes. You know, sort of, special,” Kyungsoo begins, to Junmyeon’s surprise. “We dated each other until the...”

Junmyeon nods knowing that Kyungsoo is still unwilling about remembering his accident. “I get it.”

“So yeah. He likes blueberries,” Kyungsoo continues.

Junmyeon may be lying to himself if he says he isn’t the slightest shocked when Kyungsoo used he. It isn't really something he expects to hear but he's totally cool with it anyway. Kyungsoo looks at him, probably noticing a tinge of shock in Junmyeon's attempts to be neutral and he chokes on cookies, sending the latter to run for the pitcher, pour water on glass, and hand it to him.

“Oh my god,” Kyungsoo says, words panicky. “I didn’t mean to, uh, come out all of a sudden.” He continues, voice shaking, pink staining his cheeks at the same time.

There is a snap at the back of Junmyeon’s head and he shakes his head fervently. He feels guilty for his reaction and he knows he means no wrong. “No! No. No,” he says, waving his hands. “It’s totally fine! I don’t judge, really. I’ve dated guys before, too, if that’d make you feel, uh, comfortable? I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo gasps with a hand over his mouth. “Really?”

Junmyeon nods, smiling gently to himself. When Kyungsoo’s facial expression relaxes, Junmyeon is finally at ease. “Yup,” he begins. “Anyway, the person. Uh… does he know you’re okay now?”

“Brother said he’s told him about me. He said he’ll pay a visit soon,” Kyungsoo answers promptly but he sounds disheartened by it. “I have no idea when that soon is.”

Kyungsoo keeps his head low, absentmindedly staring at his single half-finished blueberry cookie, that he doesn’t immediately notice Junmyeon standing next to him, arms stretched as he offers the box of cookies.

“I like strawberries,” Junmyeon says. Kyungsoo looks at him, a little confused, but smiles when he takes the velvety cookie off the box and takes a bite.

Junmyeon squeezes Kyungsoo’s shoulder gently. “Don’t worry, he’ll remember.”

Junmyeon consistently visits Kyungsoo for three months straight and he sees how the latter makes progress in his recovery. He’s able to walk for a longer distance albeit with a help of a walker. He practices every morning, in the garden when the sky is clear and the summer sun is still nice, in his room when the weather gets unexplainable and it rains hard, or during the latter weeks when it gets too cold because fall is approaching. Junmyeon helps him often and his therapist seems pretty much cool with it, too; as long as he can still see Kyungsoo he’s okay with it, he says. The progress is somehow faster than expected, a rate similar to how he’s regained his speech. It doesn’t come as a surprise anymore when Junmyeon comes to a Kyungsoo rejoicing on a news that he’ll be discharged really soon.

“I don’t want to burden a lot more people with my incapacity, though,” Kyungsoo confides one morning as they walk down the hospital gardens. A number days are left and he'll miss setting foot on this familiar meadow.

“I don’t think you’re a burden,” Junmyeon tells, holding Kyungsoo on one arm but not too tight to hurt. He may have said it a little firmer than he intends, something he hasn't really thought of well yet because in all honesty, it's simply what he feels about Kyungsoo. He's always reminded himself of being careful but the words roll out of his lips before he can even realize he's already done it. Kyungsoo laughs and says nothing else. Oh well. Whatever, Junmyeon thinks. The reaction doesn't seem to mean any offence taken so Junmyeon settles at it. "We’ll take a rest over that bench," he says.

Kyungsoo simply nods. The distance isn't too far and it takes a minute only of slow, careful walk before they reach the spot. Junmyeon guides him until they're comfortably seated on the bench. "You don't really have to do this, you know," Kyungsoo says, patting Junmyeon on the knee appreciatively.

"It’s okay. I sort of like doing this anyway. Did you know I studied physical therapy before I shifted to social sciences?" Junmyeon tells Kyungsoo and he obviously enjoys the amusement and surprise in the latter's eyes.

"Are you serious?"

"I thought that shouldn't be a shocker. I'm from a family of doctors," Junmyeon answers, chuckling giddily, as he hands Kyungsoo a bottle of water.

"Oh. Makes sense,” Kyungsoo says. “Thanks.”

"Kyungsoo?"

"Yes?"

He responds instinctively that he doesn’t realize the voice is from somebody not Junmyeon. It’s deep and familiar, sending Kyungsoo’s heartbeat to race. He inhales sharply when he looks up, seeing the person standing beside him: a tall guy in glasses, brown fashionably messy hair, and a seemingly kind face. He looks at Kyungsoo with a gentle but wide smile.

Meanwhile, Junmyeon is a little confused as he watches Kyungsoo and a stranger exchange silent stares. He isn’t entirely sure if interrupting the awkward drama is a good thing to do or not but he eventually decides to keep mum and watch whatever is to unfold between the two.

“Chanyeol?” The name rolls in a shaky voice Junmyeon hasn’t heard from Kyungsoo once; only this time. The shock is pretty obvious as he pushes himself up although with trembling limbs. Junmyeon tries to help but Kyungsoo seems too into it, standing up faster than he normally does as he reaches for the other person's face.

At that point Junmyeon realizes who the stranger is. He finally understands why Kyungsoo is suddenly eager to move with shaky hands, fingers reaching for the other's face as tears well up the corner of his eyes. He realizes that Chanyeol must be that somebody. The longing in Kyungsoo's voice confirms it.

And for some reasons Junmyeon is yet to understand, it stings a bit in the chest.

Junmyeon excuses himself, giving Kyungsoo time and space to talk with Chanyeol. They do it in his room, doors closed, with Junmyeon patiently waiting at the hallway. The conversation sounds calm because he hears nothing. It’s not that he intends to eavesdrop but he admits he is quite curious with how things are going inside. It’s something he shouldn’t be dwelling on anyway because it’s Kyungsoo's personal affair. If they decide to be intimate, he knows it’s expected.

Junmyeon sighs. He tries to ignore the small tug in his chest and a little uncomfortable swell in his stomach.

He thinks everything goes as smooth as how he expects a reunion of lovers should be until he hears Kyungsoo’s voice. It’s loud and mad, far from how they are five minutes ago. The rage prompts Junmyeon to stand up although he’s reluctant to reach for the knob. He keeps a careful, observant stance, deciding to stay put and remain calm until he hears another yell, loud as the first one. Then Junmyeon's antsy.

The door opens seconds later and Chanyeol comes out, walking briskly past Junmyeon. A hand covers his mouth and Junmyeon thinks he sees tears on his cheeks. He keeps his head low as he eventually runs down the hallway, disappearing when he turns a corner.

Kyungsoo. Junmyeon rushes inside the room and sees him on his knees, eyes wide as he sobs uncontrollably. His arms are wobbly and his hands are shaking even with his palms pressed hard against the floor. It’s an emotionally unbearable sight and Junmyeon feels a pull on his heartstrings.

Junmyeon walks slowly, cautious of every step, of every movement. He keeps a distance, a feet or two probably, when he drops to his knees. He wants to be careful, gentle.

“Hey,” he mutters. When Kyungsoo looks at him, his heart shatters. It’s the first time he’s seen the other this devastated, eyes red, face dirtied with tears. His lips are parted but he’s speechless. They’re trembling. All of him is trembling. He’s a total emotional wreck and it hits Junmyeon straight in the chest.

He reaches for Kyungsoo, extending an arm so he holds him by the shoulder. Kyungsoo doesn’t budge and Junmyeon moves closer, finally pulling him to an embrace. It’s when Kyungsoo breaks down once more, crying louder into Junmyeon’s chest. He buries himself into it, arms wrapped around Junmyeon, hands clenched tightly onto his shirt.

Junmyeon lets Kyungsoo do whatever he feels like doing. At some point, Kyungsoo but gently pounds a clenched fist against Junmyeon’s shoulder as he cries louder, muffling “Why?” and “It hurts” almost endlessly. He lets Kyungsoo hug him tighter, letting him tug on his jacket and dirty his shirt.

Junmyeon says nothing because as much as he wants to comfort Kyungsoo with words, he is close to clueless on how he should do it. He doesn’t understand yet what exactly happened between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and he doesn’t want to judge; neither does he want to blame anyone for this. He attempts to be rational in times of unbalanced emotions and he wants to see things before he settles to a conclusion. That can wait.

All Junmyeon thinks of right now is hugging him, letting his arms be a place where Kyungsoo can run to. If that is what he wants, Junmyeon will do it, because Kyungsoo needs somebody right now.

Junmyeon initially decides to give Kyungsoo time for himself. He thinks it'll be a considerate move, respecting his emotions so he can try fixing it on his own first. But Kyungsoo tells him to stay, at least in the morning as he usually does, although there are times they'd spend the whole day together. There is zero qualms from Junmyeon. In fact, he's more than fine to oblige.

A few days since Chanyeol’s visit and Kyungsoo finally tells him what exactly happened.

“I feel bad keeping you here when you have no idea what exactly happened,” Kyungsoo tells him.

"I can wait," Junmyeon says. "You don't really have to force yourself. Don't worry about me."

The truth is, he may be partially lying to himself because he's been curious since that day. The desire to understand, to confirm the many assumptions he has in mind for two days is strong because he wants to know how to properly deal with the situation. But he's quite conflicted because he cares much about Kyungsoo's feelings and he's trying to be the most considerate he can possibly be.

Junmyeon gives him an apologetic look and Kyungsoo shakes his head. "He's married," he begins.

There is a long pause, a slow, deep intake of air as Kyungsoo keeps himself intact. Junmyeon sits next to him on the bed and listens carefully. Somehow, the news is close to what he expects but it still sounds worse when the other speaks about it.

"He said... he said he thought I'll never wake up," Kyungsoo continues, voice breaking in between words. Tears well up in his eyes; he’s biting on his lower lip so he can hold them in but.seconds later he's failing.

The feeling all comes back, an unbearable weight pushed against Kyungsoo's chest again. The tightening of his heart and the coiling of his stomach are all painful as he remembers the words in Chanyeol's voice.

Junmyeon reckons it's too early for Kyungsoo to go further when everything is still fresh so he holds Kyungsoo's hand, squeezing it gently but tightly. "I guess that's enough for me to know," he says.

Again, Kyungsoo cries. Junmyeon places a hand at the back of the other's head and lets him sob his heart out on his shoulder.

"It's okay to cry," Junmyeon says with light pats.

Kyungsoo doesn't utter a word anymore. The tightening of his grasp on Junmyeon's shirt is enough to say that he is more than grateful.

“Happy pills?” Junmyeon asks when he brings a set of chocolates one morning. He’s been doing it for a couple of days already, bringing candies, jellies, pastries and sometimes fruits.

“Could you buy me apples tomorrow? I feel like having some,” Kyungsoo says and laughs a little when he figures how imperative he sounds like. Not that Junmyeon actually minds.

“Sure. I will,” Junmyeon answers, placing the box of chocolate on the table. He catches Kyungsoo in his daily walking practice, a hand pressed against the wall as he make careful steps beside it. “The therapist’s taken your walker?”

Kyungsoo chuckles awkwardly. “He'll come back later but yes. Progressing fast. I’m doing a great job I guess,” he says a little proudly.

“The doctors won’t call you a miracle for no reasons,” Junmyeon says.

The morning begins with a slight drizzle and by the time Junmyeon arrives in the hospital, it’s already pouring heavily, raindrops hitting glass windows hard and loud. He watches Kyungsoo walk along the side of the walls and in their silence, he wonders if Kyungsoo has told his therapist about what happened the other day. Although with the way he’s being treated the same as he normally is, it seems like Kyungsoo has never disclosed anything. It’s a form of relief, somehow, that his recovery becomes a distraction although Junmyeon knows, for sure, that Kyungsoo isn’t totally fine yet.

“Don’t you think it’s too early to rain this morning?” Junmyeon asks. He’s now standing by the window as if solemnly watching water trickle down the glass, creating contorted figures of the outside in its growing translucence.

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you still like rainy mornings?”

“Mornings are always wonderful.”

“Ah yes,” Junmyeon says. He pauses as he writes with his index “morning” on the moist window. “Mornings are always a perfect time for a new start,” he continues, smiling slowly to himself.

The words are all too familiar to Kyungsoo and for a moment he doesn’t realize he’s being quoted. When it dawns on him, he pauses for a while, shakes his head and chuckles in slight embarrassment. “Thanks for the reminder,” he mutters, smiling back at Junmyeon.

Junmyeon comes with a bag of apples, to Kyungsoo's delight, arriving again when the latter is in the midst of walking practice.

"Thanks," Kyungsoo says.

"All for you," Junmyeon responds. He earns a hiss from Kyungsoo, feigning slight disgust in Junmyeon's growing cheesiness, although the latter thinks he sees the other's lips curl to a shy smile.

At that point, as Kyungsoo resumes his routine, he begins wondering if he can manage to take the distance from the wall to his bed with nothing to hold on for support. It's quite a distance, still several feet apart. If he does, it's going to be the first attempt and he may fall but he doesn't really mind that at all now. Courageous enough, he does as he wonders, slowly lifting his palms and pushing himself slightly so he's inches off the wall.

Junmyeon doesn’t notice it at first but when he sees Kyungsoo in the middle of the room, his eyes grow in mixed amazement and panic. There is a strong desire to stop him; chest pounding fast as he grows afraid of how Kyungsoo might end up falling flat face on the floor. But he hesitates when he sees the significant distance Kyungsoo makes. His legs are wobbly while he pulls a leg with effort yet the proud grin and teary eyes spell excitement all over his face. Junmyeon can't help but feel the same, watching Kyungsoo as he almost reaches the bed this time.

"I... I'm gonna do it! Junmyeon! I-"

And then it happens.

Junmyeon moves as quick as he can and stretches his arms, perfectly in time to catch Kyungsoo. There is a quick “oops” because he doesn’t expect the other to be heavy but he still manages to hold him, an arm around his chest while the other is over the shoulders. He thinks they're all fine when he suddenly loses balance, tripping over his own legs as they fall but thankfully on the bed.

Kyungsoo has his head pressed on Junmyeon's chest while the latter keeps an arm around the other. They remain still at first, adjusting still at all the sudden movements.

“Are you okay?” Junmyeon asks. He’s breathing heavily, an aftereffect of seconds-short adrenaline rush, and he keeps Kyungsoo in his arms, frozen in an awkward position he doesn’t easily realize. Kyungsoo doesn’t speak as he pushes himself up but staring right into Junmyeon’s eyes. Then he feels weird, like fuzzy in the guts. He thinks it’s too warm, maybe because Junmyeon beneath him does feel warm, but it travels to his face and he wonders if his cheeks are starting to betray him.

“Hey, Kyungsoo. Do you feel dizzy?” Junmyeon moves. Finally, Kyungsoo thinks as he’s pulled up, Junmyeon helping him to sit properly on the bed until they're beside each other.

“A little,” Kyungsoo says, fingers rubbing his temple not to relieve the spinning sensation but to cover the pink he knows is now staining his face. “I’m…fine now. Thank you,” he continues, mumbling his words as he averts his gaze somewhere else.

“I guess you just need to take a rest,” Junmyeon suggests. Kyungsoo nods because there's no other answer he can think of right now. Because Junmyeon is reacting spontaneously as there's nothing awkward, he wonders if Junmyeon is just simply dense to not feel, or at least realize, how close their bodies were just a while ago. He can even clearly remember feeling Junmyeon's voice against his chest. The thought is tingling, sending funny churns in his stomach and Kyungsoo can't help but be bewildered by it.

It's the first time Kyungsoo feels something like this towards Junmyeon and in a way it bothers him, although not completely in a bad sense because it actually feels more of the opposite. Recently, he keeps himself occupied with his therapy sessions in the afternoon and some books Junmyeon has lent him during the night. They’re somehow helpful in keeping him distracted from things he shouldn’t be thinking again, putting unnecessary emotions at the bottom of his worries. And by emotions he means things that would remind him of Chanyeol. He sets his mind towards complete recovery and that is what he thinks he should be only focusing on.

But now there is this weird, unexplainable feeling and he is admittedly confused if he has to add this to his list of things worth contemplating on. He's an adult and he's not dumb to realize what this can possibly be. Maybe he’s feeling it again, probably a sign that he's finally moving forward, although he's still entirely unsure about it. It’s too early when he is recovering, a little scared because it can also be wrong. But he reminds himself not to rule out that possibility.

Besides he has said it once, heard it twice. Mornings are a perfect time for a new start.

The truth is, Junmyeon isn’t really as dense as how Kyungsoo thinks he is. Far from what the latter knows, as Junmyeon walks back home, he holds a clenched fist on his chest and remembers how warm Kyungsoo's face is on it. He' goes quite aloof, too, almost missing his bus stop when all he thinks of are Kyungsoo's red cheeks and shy smiles.

Junmyeon may be really-actually-harboring feelings for Kyungsoo but he’s keeping them to himself for the time being. Maybe waiting for the right time.

That’s good. But he may also be too scared to speak about it.

A few weeks later and the day comes when Kyungsoo finally leaves his hospital room. Although he's supposed to wait for his brother's arrival so he has company back in their house, Kyungsoo insists following the schedule when he receives a call saying his brother will be arriving two weeks late. He kids to Doctor Kim and his PT about his house being stairs-free so they shouldn't be worrying about him ending up with broken limbs. Although his body coordination is deemed back to normal, he still has to finish but irregular sessions at home, mostly check ups and little observations for records.

Junmyeon is there early in the morning as Kyungsoo packs his stuff in a couple of duffels. He's volunteered helping Kyungsoo move back to his house and the latter does not really mind. He may not admit it but he actually does want Junmyeon's company when he finally moves out.

Kyungsoo looks brighter, significantly better since the break up. The days that keep him busy for complete recovery made it somehow easy to move on. Their silence on the issue also is a great help; none of them brings the topic up back for discussion. It isn't something they've agreed upon in talks but it's like mutual understanding to which both are actually thankful.

"What's the first thing you wanna do back home?" Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo pauses from folding a shirt and hums. "Hmm. Cook?"

"You cook?"

The proud smile on Kyungsoo's face answers Junmyeon's amazement. "You should try my kimchi spaghetti. My brother said it's the best he’s tried ever."

"Sure. A celebratory kimchi spaghetti party?" Junmyeon suggests and Kyungsoo seems fine with the idea as well. An interruption of three knocks on the half-open door prompts them to look at it and they are a little surprised to see Doctor Kim watching them with a grin.

"Good morning Doctor Kim," Kyungsoo greets with a respectful bow while Junmyeon dips his head a little. "Good morning, hyung," he says.

"Congratulations by the way, Kyungsoo. You're finally leaving us,” Doctor Kim says, extending an arm so he can shake hands with Kyungsoo to which the latter promptly responds. He shakes his head and laughs awkwardly. "Don't make it sound like this place has given me so much of a bad experience. It’s quite the opposite for the most part, actually," he says, looking at Junmyeon with a funny smile before meeting Doctor Kim again who shares a small laughter with them.

"Your brother has been a really great company. If it wasn't for him, my whole period of recovery would be so dull. And thank you, too, because if it wasn't for you I would've not met him," Kyungsoo continues, sounding as grateful as he can possibly be.

Doctor Kim nods. "Nope. No need to thank me. It's just actually him. He cares about you a lot. Right Junmyeon?"

"Hyung!" Junmyeon bursts in a slightly whiny tone at the apparent teasing tone of his older brother. “What are you-”

"You do care about him a lot right? I can't remember the number of times you've actually mentioned Kyungsoo during dinner," Doctor Kim seems to be enjoying the game at which Junmyeon grows uncomfortable but in a funny way. He's chuckling awkwardly, obviously unsure whether to clasp a hand over his brother’s mouth or just smile and act cool like it’s nothing. He’s so stuck in an embarrassing position he just wants his brother to leave now and stop whatever teasing he falsely thinks is good for them. He ends up bowing his head, hiding the pink that is now covering his whole face.

“My brother is a shy little kid,” Doctor Kim says, pulling Junmyeon by the shoulder and embracing him.

Kyungsoo is trying to hold it in but he shortly begins laughing at how embarrassed Junmyeon really is now. He actually thinks it’s cute. “He made me feel special. I do think he does care a lot about me. I appreciate it so much,” he says.

Junmyeon looks at him, a little confused but more happy. There is truth in what Kyungsoo says anyway that Junmyeon is giddy and happy he’s all bubbly in the chest. The burn in his cheeks is growing and Kyungsoo staring at him with wonderful, heart-shaped lips isn’t helping him at all.

“That’s great to hear. He can be, you know, naughty at times,” Doctor Kim says, lips still curled to a mocking grin.

"Don't worry sir. Junmyeon has never done anything harmful," Kyungsoo kids back. "He's actually kind enough to accompany me back home."

Doctor Kim's lips form an "oh", nodding slowly as he shifts his gaze from Kyungsoo to Junmyeon. Then he sneers, tightening his grasp on his brother's shoulder with a gentle squeeze, prompting the younger to give him a sharp, stop-or-swear-I'm-gonna-punch-you-now look.

"Cool. Cool. I see. Alright, I’m not gonna trouble you anymore. I’ll go now and see my other patients,” he continues at which Junmyeon sighs in great relief. He wastes no time as he begins pushing his brother out of the room.

“You better behave okay? Don’t do nasty things to our Kyungsoo!” Doctor Kim exclaims when he is finally pushed out of the door, voice lowering in volume as he walks further away but Kyungsoo can still hear his loud taunting laughter.

“Shut up, hyung!” Junmyeon slams the door shut, groaning as he scratches his head in annoyance.

“Ah. I’m.. I’m really sorry about hyung. He’s just like that, really. He likes to embarrass me to people. Like… like how do people even find fun in that? Do older brothers really do that? I swear if I get a younger brother I won't do that to him.”

Kyungsoo blinks at him, eyes wide as he looks at Junmyeon blabber almost endlessly. Then he laughs. Not the short giggles he usually does but a hearty one that he’s bending his knees, hands clenched on his tummy, leaning on the side of the bed so he doesn’t fall on the floor.

"What's funny?" Junmyeon asks blankly.

"You!"

Junmyeon blinks. "What?"

"You and your brother," Kyungsoo's breath hitches as he gasps for air in between laughter. He inhales sharply when he composes, tears filling his eyes and cheeks turning red. "Oh god. I've never seen Doctor Kim like that. And you, too. You guys are cute."

Junmyeon isn't entirely sure if he should take it as a light insult or a compliment. Maybe the latter. Especially when he feels more accomplished than insulted.

"Well, I've never seen you laugh as hard as that so I guess that should make things breakeven," Junmyeon says.

"Shut up," Kyungsoo snorts. "I miss my brother though. He's also like Doctor Kim when we're together. You know, annoying bullies we love."

"Two weeks and he'll come back so don't be too sad," Junmyeon pats him on the shoulder and his hand travels to the other side so he's embracing Kyungsoo. "Well I'm older than you so I can be your temporary hyung until he arrives. Or maybe oppa if you want," he kids with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"Oh my god. Whatever! How come you now have the guts to be this disgusting?" Kyungsoo sticks his tongue out followed by an exaggerated shrug, prompting Junmyeon to remove his arm. He then slings a duffel strap over his shoulder and sighs. "You know what, let's just go."

Well, he realizes it is indeed an awkward joke but Junmyeon decides not to mind it. He chuckles and nods with a smile from ear to ear.

They arrive at Kyungsoo’s home minutes later, with the morning sun still up high but with the wind crisp and cool, a sign that autumn is about to happen. As promised, the first thing Kyungsoo does after bringing all his things to the room is to cook kimchi spaghetti, spending a little over an hour in the kitchen. He's thankful their caretaker has promptly followed his request to buy the ingredients before their arrival.

“Smells great,” Junmyeon comments as he watches Kyungsoo stir the sauce pot. The latter smiles proudly.

“Smells like home now,” he says.

It doesn’t take long before the plates are served and they are munching on a casserole of kimchi spaghetti. Junmyeon finishes his first plate in a jiffy and Kyungsoo is just amused. He doesn't say anything but Junmyeon is obviously enjoying the food.

"Is it good?"

"Durfntly," Junmyeon mumbles with teeth and lips cutting the lengthy pasta only to mess sauce all over his mouth. He grabs a tissue and swallows. "Really good.

"Is that like a genuine answer?" Kyungsoo asks, sounding jokingly skeptical. Unlike Junmyeon, he's taking his serving slowly mainly because he's watching the other almost gobble all in his plate. He actually is flattered and it feels giddy on the inside, strange but he has never felt like this since three years ago. He likes it.

"I'm not kidding! It really is!" Junmyeon lowers his plate. "Best kimchi spaghetti ever."

"Thank you," Kyungsoo says and he blushes a little.

"By the way, there's... uh, something I gotta tell you," Junmyeon says. His tone suddenly shifts; he becomes a little serious, tensed, and somewhat wary. His gaze on Kyungsoo is quick as he looks away when their eyes meet. "I don't really have plans telling you this at first but I think you still have the right to know. Uh, it's about...him..."

When Junmyeon trails off and Kyungsoo hears the last word, he is almost sure it's about Chanyeol. His heartbeat grows fast and he feels a little twist in his chest but he doesn't want to assume. "Him...who?" He asks.

"Chanyeol," Junmyeon answers promptly to Kyungsoo's surprise. "It actually is more between me and him but if you still feel uncomfortable talking about him maybe we can move this to some other time? I'm sorry though if-"

"Don't worry. It's okay. Go ahead," Kyungsoo says and he doesn't sound upset at all. In fact he's still calm. It's been quite a while since he's heard the name actually and although he can still feel heavy remembering it, he thinks he's gone past the remorse and he is close to actually completely moving on. He smiles and he gives Junmyeon a nod so he can continue.

"You sure? Uh, okay. So the other day I met him in a cafe by accident," Junmyeon begins. "He told me the whole thing. Or at least the side of his story but I don't think that should matter. It's quite summarized anyway and he didn't sound defensive."

"And then?" Kyungsoo nods, listening carefully at Junmyeon's words.

"And he told me a lot of things about you. Like how much you like apples, mornings, cooking, other things uh I apparently know already," Junmyeon continues and he laughs a little. "Then he said as much as he still cares for you, he said he has no right anymore. He also thinks we're close so...uh..."

"So...?"

"So he asked me if like, you know, since he can't do it, if I can uh... take care of you."

Kyungsoo's eyes grow wide and Junmyeon begins to panic.

"No! No I mean... yes like. I said no? And yes? Sort of. I mean... I said I can take care of you of course. I think I've been kinda doing a bit of it maybe? Since I first visited you months ago but I said," Junmyeon pauses. He sighs, a little lost at first, obviously gun-shy, too, but he speaks again. "I said that I'm not gonna do it because he asked me to do so. I'm gonna take care of you because…”

Junmyeon trails off again, this time a lot more hesitant to continue, but Kyungsoo locks his eyes on him, waiting for his words and he’s trapped. Junmyeon’s heart is pounding fast and he thinks he might really need a glass of water before he passes out. He sighs heavily and resolves that he should really say it all; he’s already started it anyway.

“Because I really want to take care of you, Kyungsoo."

At that point, Junmyeon tears his gaze away from Kyungsoo as quick as possible, a strong desire to stand up and run to the door boiling at the pit of his chest. Only a few seconds have passed but it already feels like he’s being grilled in his seat for hours. It doesn’t even help that Kyungsoo is silent, probably in shock.

"Uh..."

Junmyeon jerks when Kyungsoo finally speaks. He still refuses to look at him in the eye.

"Is that...a confession?" Kyungsoo asks.

Now this is hot seat. Junmyeon can deny it, although it's too late. There's no point in saying it isn't so he nods slowly.

"Hey, Junmyeon. Look at me," Kyungsoo says imperatively yet as kindly as he can be. "Do you want to hear my answer?"

"I'm not quite sure about that."

Kyungsoo chuckles. "Nope. I'll let you hear my answer."

The expression Junmyeon makes is priceless. He's panicky, scared, excited, a mixture of anxiety and tension plastered on his face. His senses are all near shutting down but he hears Kyungsoo's answer and he's frozen in his seat.

"Yes?"

"What?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head. "How do I put this. Uh, I mean I don't really care about Chanyeol anymore so don't feel burdened telling me what you two have talked about. In fact, I appreciate it."

Junmyeon gives him a confused look and Kyungsoo lets out a short, shy laughter before continuing. "Also, now that I'm all okay physically and emotionally, I realized how important you've become to me. Not that I've become dependent of you, no it isn't like that. Maybe a bit but yeah I just... I love your company. I love how you treat me not as a patient but a friend. I feel special. Really special. So, uh..."

"Yes?"

"I guess we can go for a relationship upgrade because I think I would love to get taken care of you."

Junmyeon tilts his head and asks. "Is this...a confession, too?"

There is a three-second awkward silence before Kyungsoo erupts to a laughing fit. Junmyeon is still as confused as he already is since Kyungsoo has spoken and whatever the other is doing right now isn't helping him understand the situation. Kyungsoo soon picks himself up and composes.

"Okay lemme get to the point. Come here," Kyungsoo tells, waving his hand at Junmyeon so that the latter scoots closer.

“I think I get it now,” Junmyeon says under his breath. Kyungsoo shakes his head and holds Junmyeon by the shoulder. They are face to face, like an awkward staring contest with no words said.

“Not yet.”

Then Kyungsoo leans, lips pressed against Junmyeon’s.

Junmyeon half-gasps, cut when Kyungsoo plants a kiss on him. His hands become colder and sweatier than earlier. His body is so stiff-not even his lips move-that he can hear his own heartbeat pound so hard he thinks he’s going to collapse any second.

But when Kyungsoo holds his cheeks, the moment finally sinks in. It feels almost surreal if it isn’t for Kyungsoo’s firm touch on his face. Junmyeon tilts his head and melts into it, the chaste kiss, the warm feeling of Kyungsoo’s lips on his. Seconds have passed but it feels like time has stopped on them.

In that same moment, Junmyeon realizes what Kyungsoo wants to tell him when he caresses his face. With the touch of their lips, Kyungsoo wanted an assurance that it’s not just him-it’s Kyungsoo and Junmyeon, That it’s mutual; something they both feel, something they both wanted. Junmyeon is happy he takes it quickly and of course he is just more than glad to give Kyungsoo the answer.

They break the kiss somewhat unwillingly but they still pull away and they’re smiling giddily, shyly at each other.

“So…” Kyungsoo begins.

“Yeah. I… guess I get it now.”

They’re all both red in the faces but they think it’s perfectly fine.

The next day comes with Kyungsoo preparing breakfast as he watches Junmyeon roll on the couch still deep in his sleep. He feels a little bad giving in to his request to sleep on it instead of taking the other side of Kyungsoo’s bed but he’s wanted it (“If I suddenly touch you and you don’t say no I won’t hesitate,” Junmyeon kids and he earns a playful smack on the head).

He is busy cutting mushrooms for the soup he plans to cook, something warm for a chilly morning, when he suddenly hears a loud thud from the living area. He looks over the kitchen bar and sees Junmyeon no longer on the sofa but is flat on the carpeted floor, rolled in a blanket with a pillow over his head.

“Oh god,” Junmyeon groans as he wriggles his way out of the blanket, scratching his forehead which probably hit the floor first.

Then Kyungsoo laughs so hard he stops what he is doing, drops the knife on the table and curls while cackling. Junmyeon scratches his eyes, waking himself up while seemingly trying to understand what exactly just happened to him. He’s always been prim and proper that the clumsy side of him is a complete amusement to Kyungsoo.

“I was expecting this,” Kyungsoo says as he takes the pillow and puts them back on the couch. Junmyeon blinks with sleepy eyes. He doesn’t say anything. He giggles instead, a funny, stupid-looking one that sends Kyungsoo to another laughing fit.

It hasn’t sunk in yet but Kyungsoo thinks he wouldn’t mind waking up to something like this. Perhaps there won’t be much adjustment needed since Junmyeon has visited him always back in the hospital. But the fact that they may be living under the same roof sooner or later makes him giddy and excited. After everything that has happened, after all that has been confessed and done, he begins looking forward to spending his days with Junmyeon.

For Kyungsoo, waking up to somebody new in his life isn’t bad.

Besides, mornings are always a perfect time for a new start.

------

1. The prompt for the fic is actually taken from this. So I'm dedicating this to OP, too!
2. Again, I am sorry if the timeline for Kyungsoo’s recovery is a kind of shitty because I am no med/PT student/major. Although I tried to make it realistic by consulting some of my nurse friends.
3. Also, sorry (not sorry) for bringing the infamous Kyungsoo kimchi spaghetti back!
4. Crossposted it on AO3.