Never Good Enough (Jongin/Jinri); (3/3)
Jinri figures that she was just never good enough.
Not for Jongin, not for f(x), and not even for herself.
-
Jinri is Sulli, but Sulli is not Jinri.
She found that out a long time ago; and just like how Jinri is Sulli, but Sulli is not Jinri-
Jongin is Kai, but Kai is not Jongin. Kai is a persona, but Jongin is someone tangible, real, and there.
They are personas that belong to the public; Jinri is well aware of that. She knows that her own body is not only hers, that her smile is not an indicator for only her happiness. Jinri knows.
But sometimes, she likes to remind herself that once upon a time, she was just Jinri and he was just Jongin.
-
Things have changed, they have changed, and their world has changed- they are no longer just Jinri and Jongin, but Sulli and Kai- they have names to carry, and images to uphold.
But once upon a time- they really were just Jinri and Jongin.
He never lets her forget that.
-
Jinri feels a little lightheaded and she really needs to sit down- on the contrary though, her members are actively running about and enjoying the special stage between Super Junior and f(x).
She doesn’t know how the rest of her labelmates still have so much energy, but she certainly doesn’t have any left to spare by randomly jumping around and hugging her band members. (She really doesn’t know how Super Junior does it.) She spends another moment on stage before the special combined stage is over and she heads over to backstage eagerly, wanting to spend her three minutes of break before another costume change by just sitting on the ground. That is all she wants.
And that is what she gets. The moment she makes it to the female dressing room (because all the girls shared during times like this- no use in separating them into rooms when they were bound to latch onto one another anyway) she plants her tush on the closest cushioned surface and sighs in bliss.
(The closest cushioned surface happens to be a sofa.)
She still feels a little lightheaded, but it’s not as bad as when she was on stage; something about all the lights, and the heat, and the screaming, and the “Sulli”- it would give anyone a headache. And she was pretty sure that was why she felt rather dizzy at the moment.
There is a knock on the door, a rather polite one, and Jinri automatically frowns at the noise for two reasons. One, if they’re knocking, the person is most likely not female. Which means they have no business here. And two, she is the one closest to the door at the moment. Which means that she has to open the damned door.
With a grievous sigh, Jinri hoists herself up from her comfortable position on the sofa and pads over to the door. She opens it only a crack- and once she sees who is behind the door, she immediately tries to close it again.
A voice cuts through the air, clear and confident. “Jinri!” Jongin’s foot stops her from closing the door all the way.
Well, she tried.
She cracks a grin and opens the door again, except this time, she steps out and proceeds to close the door behind her. Miraculously, they are alone in the hallway.
“Hi Jongin,” she greets. Suddenly, she doesn’t feel all that lightheaded anymore. In fact, she feels rather giddy. And like she can fly- which is a tad more worrying than a dizzy spell. “What’s up?”
Jongin shrugs at her a little, crossing his arms. “Just wanted to say hi.”
Jinri accepts the reason; she knew that EXO would be coming to watch today, but in the midst of all the chaos and performing, she just pushed that information to the back of her mind.
That’s why seeing Jongin comes as a pleasant surprise to her. She grins again and teasingly says, “I’m sorry, but the Soshi unnies are out performing right now, so you’ll have to try and sneak a fanboy hi to them later on.”
Jongin snorts at her and pokes her side lightly. “Yeah, well, it’s a good thing- it’s a good thing I’m not here to say hi to them then.” He looks a little shifty eyed as he says this, and looks anywhere besides her face.
The answer is something that warms her to the core and has her lips struggling not to smile. As a plus, hearing her given name- after hours upon hours of just hearing “Sulli” over and over again- sounds wonderful.
Jinri is suddenly too curious to stop the question from leaving her lips. “Why don’t you ever call me Sulli?”
“Why don’t you ever call me Kai?” he shoots back, sounding rather indignant. He is done looking all shifty eyed and suspicious and meets her curious gaze with a steady look of his own.
She pouts at her question being returned to her. “Because- you’re, you’re just,” she pauses, trying to find a proper explanation. Only one works in her mind. “To me, you’re just Jongin.” She feels rather lame about her answer, but it is the only one that makes sense to her.
Jongin nods at the answer and gives her another poke. “That’s great, because to me, you’re just Jinri.”
Jinri feels lightheaded again, but for a completely different reason now.
-
“Good, good, you put so much emotion in your dancing!” one of the instructors praises Jongin with a small smile and a gentle pat on the shoulder. EXO is gearing up towards their debut, and now everyone is working as hard as they possibly can to perfect their choreography and to synchronize with one another.
And at the center of it all is Jongin.
Jongin takes the praise with his own smile and bows respectfully. Baekhyun nudges his shoulder as a playful tease, and Jongin can feel the back of his neck heat up in embarrassment. He never did like this type of public praise.
Hours later, he mulls over the compliment.
He gives so much emotion in his dancing? Jongin figures he gives so much because that’s the only way he knows how to give them.
Jongin knows he isn’t particularly good with handling his own emotions (and never will be); he has practically given up on being able to handle the emotions of other people.
That is why he puts every single emotion that he can into his dance, so that the words that he can never say can be shown through his actions.
(And that’s also why he puts every single emotion in every little pat on the head, every brighter than usual smile, and every twirl that comes after a hug.)
He doesn’t know how else to convey those feelings.
-
They are both scheduled to perform at the 2011 SBS Gayo Daejun; f(x) is back and has been promoting Pinocchio and Hot Summer. This marks their third annual Gayo Daejun performance.
On the other hand, the Gayo Daejun marks EXO’s first public performance- and it’s not even their debut stage or anything, especially since not all twelve of them will be performing, but Jongin is still feels nervous enough to throw up all over the floor.
He hopes he doesn’t.
Jongin’s a whole mess of nerves and is filled with the potential of up-chucking; he prays that no one touches him because he’s pretty sure that he can and will freak out on them.
And then he feels a tap on his shoulder and Jongin is half an inch away from running into the nearest supply closest to hide, but he scrounges up courage and turns around slowly.
“Hi.”
“Go away Jinri, I’m about to throw up.” Jongin deadpans at the younger girl- because not even her presence can calm him at the moment.
Jinri wrinkles her nose adorably in obvious teasing and disgust and takes a noticeable step back (just in case Jongin does decide to actually throw up).
The action makes Jongin want to groan because Oh god, you should not look cute right now and he internally calls Jinri a spawn of Satan for making him even less calm than before.
“Why do you look so nervous for?” It is an innocent question.
He gives her a look that obviously translates to are you fucking serious? and that makes her laugh a little.
She pats a shoulder (harder than she should, she admits), and Jongin tries not to wince. That makes her laugh a little more. “You’ll do fine, Jongin.”
It’s a little more believable when Jinri says it.
-
Jongin does fine.
(Jinri tells him that she called it.)
-
What is Love is released in the beginning of 2012; it is a mashup of all their previous teasers, and seeing the video makes Jinri feel like a very proud sunbae.
She likes to watch it, likes to see how those twelve people have suddenly grown up, have changed into performers.
And she also likes to watch it because it reminds her of f(x)’s debut (although they didn’t get nearly as many teasers). But with EXO, f(x) is officially no longer the baby group of the company, and that makes Jinri snicker. (Finally- because she could deal without all the teasing that a maknae group automatically recieves.)
But as proud as she is of them, as much as she likes to watch their first prologue single, she still feels a little bit of anxiety. Or something along the lines of fear.
Fear of being forgotten. Fear of being replaced. Fear of no longer having her close friend have time for her.
“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” Jinri echoes the words she heard three years prior, but means them just as much as Jongin did.
She thinks she sounds ridiculous- she is the sunbae in this situation. She debuted three years prior, and yet she is still asking for him not to leave her behind? It makes no sense- but at the same time it does. (Because Jinri knows what it’s like, how busy it will get, how drained they will be all the time. Because Jinri knows how easy it is to forget everything when the spotlight is hot on you, when the fans are screaming your name, when every single camera is watching your every move.)
Sure, she thinks, that she never forgot Jongin and they maintained their friendship all this while, but that is because she knows that Jongin is important to her. And important people don’t get left behind. The problem here though, is the fact that she doesn’t know quite how important she is to Jongin.
And that kind of scares her.
Jinri repeats the words one more time, a little louder, a little more desperate.
But she echoes the words to a screen instead of the actual Kim Jongin- and there is no magical reply telling her to shut up. There is nothing (and no one) to ease her worries.
-
History is released next.
Jinri calls Jongin up the moment she’s done watching the music video.
The moment she knows he has picked up (because she just knows), she says, “I wish I could dance like you.”
Jongin gives a tired huff as a reply and quickly retorts with, “ Well I wish I could smile like you.” He probably shouldn’t have said that. In the back of his mind, he knows he shouldn’t have said that. But now that words have been spoken, he can’t stop the rest that want to follow. “I have to have a whole stage prepared for me to wow people- you just have to smile at them.” Jongin suddenly wants to kick himself in the face (but he’s not quite capable of that, so maybe he’ll ask Zitao to help him out) because he is pretty sure he has just said something slightly creepy.
He hates words sometimes.
And then Jinri just laughs in her loud, almost breathless way, and she simply says, “It sounds a little more believable since it’s coming from you, Jongin.”
He’ll take that.
-
Sometimes, Jinri can’t help but think that she is important to Jongin after all.
And other times, she feels just as worthless as everyone else says she is. To Jongin, to f(x), and even to herself.
-
Jinri will never call Jongin “Kai”.
She hates calling him Kai for a very simple reason. She doesn’t know who Kai is, but she knows Jongin. She knows Jongin and rather likes him-
But Kai? She knows, of course, the importance of a stage name. She even has one herself.
It is a stage persona to go by, a thing fans recognize you as. “You are no longer Choi Jinri, you are Sulli.” The first day she is told that, she is ecstatic. The only thing she can feel is happiness at having a stage name, at being just that much closer to achieving her dreams.
Jinri still remembers turning around excitedly the for a whole week after being dubbed “Sulli”; she still remembers the beaming smiles and the shy giggles.
But as days go by and it becomes increasingly rare for someone to utter “Jinri,” she finds her heart dropping slowly and her smile fading.
She feels like something is being taken away from her. She feels like only Sulli is important in this world, while Jinri is an insignificant speck of dust. She feels like Sulli is the only one that matters, and that it is never quite about Jinri.
(But it only takes one phone call from a certain someone to make her feel like not all is lost.)
-
Jinri loves f(x). They are her second family, and will be for all of eternity.
But if Jinri were to be completely truthful to herself, she would say that she is a little jealous of her band mates.
She loves them all, undeniably and from the bottom of heart, but sometimes she gets all caught up in the scheme of things, in their performances, in their album recording, and in rushing from here to there on a schedule that shouldn’t even be attempted.
And sometimes, when she sees how her fellow members all get more lines, how fans always cheer louder for everyone else, and how her four other sisters always seem to have more places to go, a little piece of the shield that guards her heart from pain chips away.
-
Idols aren’t supposed to use the internet for a reason.
It is all too easy to search up one’s own name.
And it is all too easy to see what nasty, hurtful things that people say about you.
All it takes is one innocent search of ‘Sulli f(x)’ for Jinri to spend the next three hours reading every little comment that she can.
Why is she even in f(x)?
All it takes is for a couple of little clicks for Jinri to feel her heart slowly breaking.
She’s only there to look cute.
And all it takes is several posts to make her feel like she can’t breathe properly, like a knife has been dug into her self-worth.
f(x) would be flawless without Sulli.
That’s all it takes to make Jinri feel like she has done something wrong, that it is her fault for dragging the group down, that maybe she shouldn’t even be in f(x) at all.
Of course, there are also positive comments, with people defending her to the point of instigating an angry war, but it’s not enough- it’s not enough when the negative outweighs the positive. It’s not enough when Jinri can feel the saddening thoughts taking over, clouding over her rational mind.
She tries hard not to cry as she leafs through comments, looks at articles, and reads little rants. Jinri likes to think of herself as a strong individual- or at the very least, someone who doesn’t need to wail and sob when things get too tough and there is no real way out.
But sometimes, it just gets too hard to hold it all in.
Why she holds in it when she has family and friends with her, she doesn’t quite know- she knows that they would tell her supportive things and make her feel better- but most of the time, Jinri figures that they shouldn’t concern themselves with her little self-esteem issues.
After all, it’s not like she is far away from her home, like Qian, or Amber, or Soojung. She has no reason to cry- she’s probably not even worth the tears.
Because after all, her home is in Korea, and she is constantly with her second family-
But pressure and unhappiness and negativity are all soul killers if nothing else, and she finds herself slowly succumbing to the pressure. Slowly subcumming to the tears.
Useless. Talentless. Worthless. Not good enough. Never good enough.
Jinri cries for the first time in a long while- for the first time since their win with Pinocchio; heart wrenching and racking sobs escape her, and she just can’t stop.
-
Jinri can cry, get her feelings hurt, and feel like giving up on the world. Jinri can do all those things, but Sulli cannot.
Maybe that’s why when she slips up and can’t stop her tears, Jinri knows that she is at her breaking point. Sulli is not. Because Sulli is expected to always have a smile on her face.
(Sulli is Jinri, but Jinri is not Sulli.
Sulli feels nothing but the love of adoring fans, like she can take on the world- but Jinri never feels good enough.)
-
The first time Jongin experiences heartbreak, it comes in the form of a tired, weary Jinri with eyes so bloodshot that there is no other reason for them besides endless tears.
He sees her wandering around the company, and his first reaction is to greet her, but something feels a little off with Jinri on this certain day. His feelings are confirmed when she looks up for only a tiny moment, and Jongin can immediately tell that the girl has quite potentially cried all that there is to cry.
“I’m just not good enough.” He can hear her quiet mumbles as she walks past him, brushes past his shoulder, and doesn’t say as much as a word to him. She is too busy looking at the ground and destroying her own confidence to pay any mind to Jongin.
And his heart just breaks at the sight (because no one should have to see a distraught and saddened Jinri- it’s just not right).
-
Sulli is the one who can’t dance.
(Which is actually mighty subjective, Jinri thinks.)
Jinri has heard that over and over, and she is sick and tired of it.
That’s probably why she is undergoing extra practice right now, willing herself to catch up to her other members.
With a grimace, Jinri goes through moves over and over in the practice room, mentally challenging anyone who criticizes to spend a couple days living her life- with the hectic schedules and the hectic practices and the hectic everything- and see how they like it.
She knows she isn’t the best dancer in the group, not by a long shot. Not when there’s graceful Qian or powerhouse Sunyoung. She can’t compare to those two, or even Soojung or Amber. That’s why people call her names, say that she is useless, tell her that she is only good at being pretty.
And it stings, being told that. She has worked hard, sacrificed her blood, sweat, and tears, and paved her way with her own hands- and to have people disregard all of that like they know something about her that she herself does not- that’s what hurts the most.
It’s hard, and it hurts, but she has worked for everything that she is, and damn everything to hell if she lets herself believe otherwise. She went through all the grueling practices, she survived all the cutthroat trials, and she was able to debut- and be on par with- some of the best trainees in the company.
Jinri knows- she knows that she should feel more confident, should brush away all the negativity-
But sometimes, she can’t help but feel that they’re right- that she is just not good enough.
-
Negativity breaks concentration- Jinri can attest to that. “Why can’t I get this right?” Jinri is alone again, practicing away in the middle of the room. f(x) is scheduled to come back soon- this time, with something called Electric Shock. She reviews the dance steps in her head before testing them out, but something doesn’t connect, as the moves that she recalls in her mind are nothing like the moves that she is actually seeing in the mirror.
“I’m normally not this bad- why am I so useless?” She sighs softly, opting to take a slight rest. She sits down on the floor, just looking at her own reflection. Jinri thinks back again to all the hateful, harsh words and wonders if she is going to hear them this promotional cycle as well. She hopes not, because she has been working her ass off- she wants to improve, wants to excel, and wants to prove her worth as the fifth member of f(x).
f(x)- Asia’s best pop dance group. Jinri grimaces a little at the title while she wipes her sweat away. “Yeah right,” her voice comes out in a slight, bitter, huff. Her tone takes a lower, sadder note as she breathes her words out softly and slowly.
“I’m not good enough for that.”
-
It has been three years- three years of scrutiny, of being figuratively stabbed with sharp words, and of constantly doubting herself.
Jinri always thought that she would be used to it by now.
She thought wrong.
-
Jongin knows when Jinri is sad.
But, he figures, that Jinri makes it really easy to tell.
Jinri makes it easy for Jongin because all it takes is for one smile not to fully reach her eyes- and then that’s it. Jongin knows.
It has been three whole days since Jongin’s first Jinri induced heartbreak; she has in no way gotten better since. Yes, she still smiles, and yeah, she does talk to him still- but it’s useless because Jongin knows the truth.
And the truth hurts him, because he cannot, for the life of him, understand why Jinri would ever feel like she’s not up to par with everyone else. He knows how hard she’s worked, how talented she is, how golden her heart is- he just doesn’t know why she doesn’t seem to know all those things.
Jongin knows that Jinri just doesn’t know the effect that she has on people; if she did, she wouldn’t be beating herself up all the time.
When he sees her smiling fakely, when he sees her looking down at the ground more often than not, and when he sees her quietly mumbling to herself about how she just isn’t good enough, Jongin wants to walk over to the nearest wall and slam his forehead into it.
A fake smile is the same thing as not smiling at all- but Jinri shouldn’t even be giving out fake smiles in the first place.
Her biggest charm (second to her infectious laughter) is her sweet smile- and the fact that she dares to try and fool everyone with a second-rate imitation of that specific brightness is downright appalling.
Jongin, generally, would be freaked out by the very fact that he is thinking such thoughts- especially about Jinri. But over the years of that smile cheering him up, making him feel better, and always bringing a smile to his own face, he has learned one very specific thing.
And that is that he would do anything for that smile.
So he figures that he needs to get off his ass and find out a way to make her (genuinely) smile again.
-
Jongin waits and loiters around the practice room that f(x) is currently residing in; he knows that they are practicing right now. He also knows that their practice will end in a few short minutes.
He shifts on his heels and walks back and forth and leans against the wall for several long moments before he sees the door open (and immediately ducks, because what if Jinri walks out? He knows it is only a precaution though, because he knows for a fact that she has been staying longer as of late- and no, he is not creepy).
He spots his target and immediately walks over. “Hey Soojung.” He greets her easily, with the confidence of someone who has grown up with that other person. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Jongin isn’t particularly close to Soojung, but they are friends. Jinri had been their bridge so many years ago, and practically forced their friendship to commence- because no one could be friends with Jinri without being friends with Soojung. That’s just how things worked.
And that is why it is Soojung, out of everyone else in the whole company, that Jongin goes to for the answers he needs. Because Jongin has always known that Soojung is Jinri’s best friend, and that she understands her best.
And that is also why he is braving the awkwardness; although Jongin and Soojung had always been friends, they have hit a rather awkward spot as of late. Jongin can still remember the headlock that Taemin had put him in once he found out what KaiStal was. If he concentrates hard enough, he can still hear what Taemin shouted in his ear. Do you want to die, Kim Jongin? He sighs softly as he recalls the fifteen minute lecture he had received on “bro code” and how the older boy had “ liked Soojung first”.
(It had been Taemin’s mission afterwards to separate them at all costs; which inevitably left to them being a little awkward, seeing as how they had drifted.)
“I was just wondering,,” he waits for a moment as she looks at him inquisitively. He may or may not be breaching a sensitive subject. “Has Jinri been down lately? Or had any, uh, crying sessions?”
Soojung pauses and stares at Jongin so hard that he feels like she is looking into his soul. (He resists the childish urge to hide behind the nearest curtain.) She contemplates his words carefully, slowly frowning as she thinks back to how Jinri has been acting as of late. She thought something had been a little off, but she wouldn’t say the other girl was down- and she was with her almost every hour of the day! How could Jongin, who saw her for maybe an hour a week, two, if he was lucky, notice something about Jinri before her?
(But she doesn’t question whether or not she is down or not- because now that Jongin has said it, it is practically truth.)
She sighs as she continues to stare, but doesn’t say a word. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because she doesn’t know what to say. Soojung always thought that it was a little awkward being around Jongin without Jinri. And she even knew why she thought it was awkward.
Jongin irritates her. It’s not so much him, in a general sense. He’s pretty awesome, actually. And he has never done a single thing to actually upset her. But alas, he still irritates her to no end for a simple reason.
It is what he means to Jinri that annoys her.
Soojung admits with a sad grimace that no one knows Jinri as well as Jongin does; it is a statement that agitates her, digs at her best friend pride relentlessly- but it is also something that she has accepted as truth.
And that annoys her even more. “I’ll ask,” is what Soojung finally comes up with. She gives him a brief smile before sighing and turning on her heel (towards the practice room she had left not three minutes ago).
He stops her short with a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you, Soojung,” is all she hears before he turns around and walks away.
Soojung finds herself mildly scowling as she watches his retreating back. The only thing that isn’t annoying about Jongin, she thinks, is how much he cares for Jinri..
That is something that Soojung will always be thankful for.
-
“Ssul~” Jinri hears her best friend’s sweet voice crooning to her.
With a tired smile. Jinri returns the sentiment. “Jjung~” But then she blinks in confusion because- didn’t Soojung just leave to go home? “Did you forget something?”
Soojung nods furiously with a slight pout on her face. “Yeah, I did.”
Jinri looks around the room immediately, her eyes scanning for anything that could belong to Soojung. “What did you forget?”
Soojung walks a little closer and is suddenly latching onto Jinri’s neck with quite the playful smile on her face. “You~”
The response makes Jinri crack a smile- one that is more natural than any other flashing of teeth that she has done in the last several weeks. “I love you, Soojungie,” she mumbles, sweeping her arms around the slightly younger girl and hugging her tightly. Jinri figures that she has been needing a hug from her best friend for a long while now.
“I love you too, Ssul.” she mumbles, laying her head on Jinri’s shoulder. She sighs softly, feeling horrible for not noticing that the other girl had been down and out of sorts lately until Jongin (Jongin, of all people!) asked if she was.
The way Soojung hugs her back, like Jinri will disappear if she lets go, immediately sets off warning signs in Jinri’s mind. “Is something wrong?”
Soojung slowly extracts herself from the hug so that she can look at Jinri right in the eye. Her tone is firm but gentle when she answers Jinri’s question with one of her own. “Are you okay?”
She immediately realizes that she has been found out, and that makes her freeze for a moment. Her first thoughts are okay, panicking, I don’t want to lie to Soojung, but- Jinri forces another smile and steps three steps back from Soojung. “I’m fine.” Even she wouldn’t believe herself.
“Ssul...” Soojung is looking at her with these sympathetic eyes and Jinri just wants to run away from the sight.
“I’m fine, Soojung. Really.” She emphasizes her words as if that will somehow make Soojung believe her; Soojung doesn’t. And that makes her panic.
She doesn’t want Soojung to worry over her; she shouldn’t even be worth the worry.
“Look, Jinri, if you’re feeling unhappy, we can just-”
Jinri doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want to hear any of it.
So she puts on another smile and doesn’t allow the conversation to continue. She cuts Soojung off, tells her that she is needed at her parent’s house, and then leaves. That’s the end of that.
Jinri doesn’t want anyone’s pity.
(She probably doesn’t even deserve it.)
-
Their comeback is right around the corner, and Jinri is stressing out.
With every little mistake she makes, she feels the pressure of failure, the fear of disappointing everyone.
She feels more useless than ever.
-
Another week has passed.
Jinri finds herself in another increasingly familiar situation. Practice has finished, but Jinri’s not done. “I’m just going to stay behind a little longer.”
“Are you sure? It’s getting late.” Qian is looking at her with a concerned gaze and a skeptical frown.
“I’m sure, umma,” Jinri responds with a slight smile. “I’ll be fine.” And she, for the most part, means it. Jinri feels a little nostalgic, staying back and practicing when everyone else went home. Times like these reminds her of her trainee days, where she would stay back and work twice as hard just to be on par with everyone else.
She had a lot to prove back then; she still has just as much to prove now.
“If you say so,” Amber looks just as skeptical as Qian does, but doesn’t push the issue. Sunyoung looks ready to protest, but she is ushered out of the door by Soojung before she gets to say a word.
“We’ll see you tomorrow, Ssul!” is what she says before she, and the rest of f(x), are out the door.
Jinri turns back to the mirror and tries not to be the useless one.
-
f(x) (minus Jinri) holds an emergency meeting the moment they leave the practice room and enter the van.
“Do you think she’s okay?” Qian asks, looking back in the direction of the building (that is gradually getting smaller and smaller).
Sunyoung looks miffed at not being able to voice her concern earlier. “I don’t feel right leaving her by herself. It’s been almost two weeks now.”
“I think she’s been sad for a long time,” Soojung mumbles, sighing as she looks out the window; she pictures Jinri dancing alone in that room and it makes her sad.
“What do you think happened?” Amber asks, sighing as their emergency meeting raises questions and plummets any emotion of happiness.
“She doesn’t even want to talk about it.” Sunyoung pouts as she leans to her right and rests her head on Amber's shoulder.
With a slight grimace, Soojung reveals why the topic was even brought up in the first place. “Jongin did say that she was feeling down lately.”
“Jongin?” Amber repeats.
“Jongin.” Soojung nods.
Amber figures that she needs to talk with Kim Jongin.
-
Amber calls Jongin first thing in the morning.
(Okay, fine, she just so happens to get his number from Soojung first- and then she calls Jongin.)
-
f(x) (minus Jinri once more) holds another impromptu band meeting. The situation is identical to the one last night. “He thinks,” Amber hesitates a little. “He thinks that Jinri feels like she’s not good enough.”
“For what?” Sunyoung asks the obvious question; the answer is one that they would all rather not think about.
Amber says it anyway. “For f(x).”
There is an awkward silence that takes over the van as the tension is immediately upped; they can all easily come to a conclusion as to why Jinri would ever feel that way.
Talentless, useless, worthless- all words that they have heard before. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times they come across those hurtful words. It is so easy to see the little words that can break someone down and destroy them from the inside out. It is so easy to have the words affect you, it is so easy to believe in those words.
They are f(x), and they are a five member group, and they will stay that way. They all know that. And they are happy with that. But some people aren’t, and honestly, Soojung thinks that all those people can go fall in a ditch somewhere-
Especially since those people are probably why Jinri is at the SM building yet again, alone and hurting.
They all mull over the information for a couple uncomfortable moments before Soojung sighs.
Soojung sighs because she has come to a realization; and she sighs because that realization hurts.
Soojung sighs because she realizes that it is not her that Jinri needs at the moment; rather, she needs someone not in f(x). Soojung knows that any member would make things worse; she knows what it’s like to constantly be compared with people who are as close as can be. She knows what it’s like to criticized by anonymous haters with no sense of guilt. She knows.
And because she knows, Soojung calls the one person that she knows understands; it’s the same person that Jinri can never turn away.
(Or rather, he is someone that will never allow Jinri to turn him away.)
-
It is three in the morning.
Jongin gets a phone call, and he is not pleased about it.
And because he is not pleased, he picks up and grumbles an extraordinary grumpy, “Hello?”
“You were right.” His mind hazily registers this voice as Soojung’s.
“I know,” is Jongin’s initial, knee-jerk response. And then after the words set in, he asks sheepishly, “About what?”
Soojung kind of wants to punch Jongin the face. She thinks about doing so the next time she sees him, but ultimately decides against it. There are more pressing matters at hand than Soojung wanting to inflict bodily harm on Jongin.
“Can you come to f(x)’s practice room?”
“Why?” Jongin is rubbing at his eyes, not really willing to even get out of his bed, let alone out of the house and to the company.
There is a pained silence and a gritted out, “Ssul’s not feeling too happy,” that immediately has Jongin no longer feeling sleepy.
He’s up and out of his room in thirty seconds.
-
Sure enough, Jongin finds Jinri in f(x)’s main practice room.
He invites himself in. “Hi.” Jinri turns slowly, not happy with the interruption. She is breathing heavily, and her bangs are sticking to her face; her hair is damp with sweat, and it’s obvious that she has been here longer than she should have been.
She looks tired, and ready to either fall down or cry from exhaustion.
“Go away, Jongin.” She doesn’t want him to see her when she can’t muster enough strength to smile brightly at him, and especially not when she is close to tears.
“No thanks,” is Jongin’s reply. He doesn’t move from his spot.
“What are you doing here?” Jinri sits down onto the ground slowly, trying to get her breathing back to an even pace.
“Just thought I should stop by and say hi,” he answers her easily.
Jinri knows what Jongin is doing here. It’s obvious, because who would come back to the company at- she spares a glance at the clock- almost four in the morning.
Jinri also knows that Jongin knows how she’s feeling; she’s not surprised by that, but she is a little bitter. She doesn’t bother biting down the question that she wants to ask; there’s no point, not when Jongin already knows. “You probably think I’m useless too, huh?”
Jongin is floored at the statement. Useless? Sure, he may make fun of her on a regular basis, and yes, he did insult her (lack of) dancing skills all those years ago- but he has never once thought that Choi Jinri was anything close to useless.
“Jinri, you know I would never think that.” He is completely serious when he says this. In fact, he kind of wants to take her by the shoulders and shake her until all thoughts about being useless have faded into nothing- because that word shouldn’t even exist in Choi Jinri’s dictionary. She’s bright, and funny, and adorable- and she has a sweet voice, and can hold a tune, and dances well enough when motivated.
That doesn’t sound like someone who is useless at all.
Jinri laughs hollowly at his response; it is one of those laughs that have no amusement in it, just a strong sense of bitterness. “If I wasn’t useless, then I would already have this new choreography down already,” she mutters, pursing her lips into a thin line as she recalls that her members have almost perfected the new moves already. “I’m the last one.” She states this with an airy tone, but Jongin can see the hurt in her pursed lips and her stiff shoulders.
“I’ll help you,” Jongin says this easily, dropping all of his belongings (his phone, wallet, keys) onto the floor and striding up next to her. Jinri idly wonders where the shy, awkward boy she had known from years ago had gone, and who this confident imposter is. But then she realizes that Jongin has grown up and matured- and so has she, because they are no longer children. “What do you need help with?”
He might not be able to help her with everything, but if she needs help with a dance, then he’ll sure as hell give that help.
He’ll dance for her any day.
(It’s how he conveys emotion, and he’ll be damned if he gives that up.)
“You don’t have to, Jongin,” Jinri says this with a smile that she hopes he’ll believe. It has been years- and really, they are no longer children. She shouldn’t need his help anymore. She shouldn’t. “I’ve got it.”
Jongin gives her such a blatant look of disbelief that it almost makes Jinri want to laugh. “You’ve got it, huh? Is that why you look like you’re about to cry?”
Jinri huffs, but doesn’t immediately retaliate. She forgot just how well Jongin actually knew her. She forgot that fake smiles and forced happiness were useless around him. And Jinri also forgot how much of a straightforward asshole Jongin could be.
“You’re horrible, Jongin.”
He smiles at the comment, and is serious about helping her, but one look at her tired and almost sunken in eyes has him deciding against dancing anymore tonight.
She needs rest.
So he offers a hand, she takes it, he brushes the imaginary dust from her shoulders, and then he sends her home in a taxi.
That’s all he can do for tonight.
-
It has been twelve hours since Jongin has last seen Jinri. He finds himself in his room, staring intently at a video.
“Do I want to know why you’re learning f(x)’s new choreography?” Jongin is not alone.
Jongin shrugs nonchalantly before turning his attention back to the practice video (that he shouldn’t have access to, but he realized early on that Sunyoung noona was much too much of a sweetheart to say no to a pleading dongsaeng). “I need to learn it.”
He doesn’t speak, not even when he feels Luhan’s eyes boring into his back as he sashays and shuffles about. Luhan watches for a couple more moments before sighing softly and smiling faintly. “Okay, just remember, group dinner at seven.” EXO had been given the rest of the day off. The rest of the members (except for Luhan) are nowhere to be found in the dorm.
Jongin makes an uncommitted grunt at the reminder and waves off his hyung flippantly. Luhan kicks the back of his knee (for ignoring him earlier) and leaves the room with the same faint smile on his face.
He gets up with a pout, but doesn’t stop staring at the screen in front of him. He sighs faintly before getting back into position, focusing on one particular member. “Anything for Jinri,” he mumbles.
(Luhan listens outside the door with an impish grin and a proud heart- he heard Jongin loud and clear.)
-
Jongin is practicing on his own free time- which is nothing new. He has moved from his stuffy bedroom to a practice room at the company. (He escaped the dorms the moment Joonmyun had declared that dinner was over.) Again, it is nothing new.
But he isn’t even practicing choreography for EXO, so he feels kind of like a rebel.
And it is during this supposedly private practice that Jongin feels a burning, heavy gaze on his back.
Jongin turns around slowly and ends up feeling like he is staring into the eyes of the devil incarnate. “Luhan hyung, why are you looking at me like that?” As an afterthought, Jongin adds, “And how did you even know I was here?”
Luhan choses to answer neither of those questions. “So…you and Jinri, huh?”
“What about me and Jinri?” Jongin retorts, cheeks already being stained a light pink.
The older male does nothing but cackle and stare back in response.
The way Luhan is looking at him tells Jongin that the older male knows everything he has been keeping in his heart since he was thirteen. “Damn it, Luhan hyung.”
-
It has been two days since Jongin has seen Jinri, and one day since Luhan has caught Jongin.
Once again, Jongin finds himself at the company at a strange hour. It is two in the morning, and Jongin finds himself in practice room seventeen once more.
He is not alone. In fact, he is the intruder in this situation.
“What are you doing here?” Jinri asks this question the moment she sees Jongin’s face.
“I said I would help, so I am going to help.” It is a familiar scene- so familiar that Jinri feels like she is reliving the past. It has been a long time- several years, in fact- but the familiarity and the same sincerity from before warms her heart.
Jongin’s grin is cheeky as he tells her, “Just like old times,” and moves her into the correct pose.
Jinri can’t help but return the grin; sadly, her words aren’t as cheery as her smile. “Even back then, I was never really good enough, huh?”
Jongin’s moves come to a slow stop and he is suddenly looking at her like she has said something blasphemous. “How could you say that?” He sounds genuinely offended- because really, he is.
Jinri is a little shocked by Jongin’s reaction, but just shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “Well, isn’t it true? The first time you helped me was six years ago- and six years later, I still need your help.”
“What’s wrong with needing help?” Jongin still looks and sounds offended, because really, he still is.
“Nothing, but-”
Jongin cuts her off because he doesn’t like how this conversation is going; and because he doesn’t like where it is going, he is compelled to change it. “You don’t have to be perfect.” He tells her this solemnly because he knows what it’s like trying to keep up with perfection- he already knows how impossible of a task it is.
“Just be Jinri, and you’ll be fine.” he says. He means every single word that is spewing from his mouth.
“But I’m not just Jinri- that’s the problem,” is her quick retort.
Jongin’s mouth twists into a rather ugly grimace and he knows that he is about to unleash a rant.
The bad thing about keeping words locked inside is that eventually, they find a way out. And usually, the result isn’t pretty.
(But sometimes it is, and Jongin is hoping for that sometime.)
“There’s no problem with being Jinri,” he snorts. Jongin doesn’t let her reply. He continues talking. “You have fans and people that love and support you, right?” The way Jongin is looking at her is making it rather hard to breathe, and she hopes that she doesn’t faint in the next thirty seconds (or at all) or so. Something about this whole thing is hitting home to Jinri, and she doesn’t quite know how to feel.
It’s like every single line in this conversation has a double meaning, and that confuses her into silence. Jinri feels something shifting between them in this moment, and she doesn’t know what to say (but she knows she doesn’t want it to stop).
Jongin takes her silence as a positive answer and barrels on, too heated to actually stop and think about the words he is spewing. “Tell me honestly, are you a member of f(x) or not?”
“I am, but I’m the-” Jongin cuts her off before she can finish what she wants to say. I am, but I’m the useless one.
“Okay, so is f(x) talented or not?” he looks at her impatiently, willing her to answer.
“They are, you know they are,” Jinri argues. “But-”
“But nothing,” Jongin dismisses. “You, Choi Jinri of f(x), just told me that f(x) is talented- and you’re a part of that damn group, Jinri.”
Jinri gets to say the words that she wants to this time around. “But I’m the useless one, the space filler, the one that’s only there because of her face,” she retorts, tone just as bitter as it is sad.
He feels angry at her words; he figures that if she isn’t doing herself justice, he might as well. “Who are these anonymous people to tell you that you don’t belong in a group that you love so much and worked so hard to be in?”
Something about his words ignites something in Jinri that makes her respond just as fiercely. “Those people,” Jinri starts, eyes blazing and mouth set in a harsh line. “Are the general public- the ones that make you or break you in this industry. They’re our harshest critics because they don’t give a damn about what we think or what we’ll feel if we ever see the horrible things that they say about us.”
He is still angry. “Exactly, they’re horrible! So you shouldn’t be paying any mind anyway!”
“Why wouldn’t I mind? I have to mind- because what do I have going for me, Jongin? I don’t have the talent to be considered a good dancer, my vocal range is nothing in comparison to theirs, and I- I’m not even considered the actress anymore!” Jinri can feel the incoming sensation that she can only link with tears, and clenches her hands into fists. She’s tired of crying.
Jongin ruffles his hair in frustration and groans. “Can you shut up and listen to all your bullshit so you can feel stupid about it already?”
Jinri feels like punching Jongin in the face- because that just sounded like a complete and total disregard of her feelings, and Jinri is not okay with that.
And unlike Soojung, she doesn’t think against it. She’s actually quite close to doing so, except he starts talking again.
“You can dance, stupid. And you can act too- everyone knows that.” He gives her a pointed glare that makes her frown in response. “And who cares if your vocal range isn’t huge, your voice is still pretty. How hard is it to believe that your fans fell in love with you for you- so just being Jinri really is fine.”
Jongin is on a roll, and is potentially using up his emotional word bank for the rest of the year, but can’t stop. He has always relied on dancing to help him through these emotional situations, but this time, he knows actions aren’t enough. And that’s fine, because it’s all for Jinri anyway. “You’re always telling me not to worry about it, that I am amazing or something, but why can’t you see it in yourself? You’re always reassuring me that I’ll be fine, but here you are just- just-” Jongin suddenly doesn’t know where he is going with this, and his mind blanks. “Just stop thinking that you’re never good enough.”
There is an awkward, weighted silence; Jinri feels like she is slowly suffocating under the scrutiny of Jongin’s heavy gaze. It is almost like they are at a standstill, with Jongin urging her to believe him, and her not fully wanting to give in.
“No,” is her response. “I can’t.” I don’t know how.
Jongin is the one that is suddenly tired now. His voice sounds a little brittle as he asks, “Can you just- can you just try?” Jongin looks like he is on the verge of pulling his hair out. “People love and support you, Jinri. And you’re hurting them for not believing in yourself when they so wholeheartedly believe in you.”
“Can you try, Jinri?” he asks once more, tone quiet and pleading. “For me?”
She wants to say “no, I can’t,” but something about seeing Jongin look so tired and sad eats away at her soul. Jinri looks at the boy that has grown up without her noticing, and mentally sighs. She wonders when he got so good with his words, when he started being able to know just exactly she needed to hear, and when he became so important to her.
Jongin looks at her patiently, waiting for her to speak. His arms are crossed and he is standing in front of her defiantly, almost daring her to go against his words.
She feels guilt at causing Jongin to react this way. And although she wants to say no, she finds that she can’t. Not when Jongin has asked her to try- and while she has been trying all this while, it’s different when she knows she has to try for him. It’s different because she realizes that Jongin has been trying for her all this time. “Okay. I can try.”
Her words bring a soft, satisfied smile onto Jongin’s face. He doesn’t expect her to change her views about herself so suddenly and so easily- but she’s willing to try, and that is a start.
They spend a moment just looking at each other before Jinri smiles slightly. “Thank you, Jongin.” Thank you for giving me such kind words, for believing in me, for being there. Thank you for supporting me, for telling me what I needed to hear. Thank you for being Jongin.
Jongin, like always, understands. “Anything for you, Jinri.”
-
(The rest of f(x) watch from behind the slightly open door. They couldn't bring themselves to leave Jinri all alone tonight. And they decided to stay for the show once they saw Jongin.
Qian has a proud smile on her face, Amber looks mighty satisfied, and Sunyoung tries not to cry- because the whole scene was touching, damn it!
And Soojung- well, it is the first time that Soojung isn’t completely annoyed with Jongin.
“Ah, young love,” they hear a soft murmur from behind them, and all four heads whip towards the sound in a synchronized fashion.
“Luhan, what are you doing here?”)
-
It is the day before their official comeback stage with Electric Shock. “Do you think I’ll hold the group back this time around?” Jinri’s tone is calm and airy; she is asking just to ask.
“Stop saying stuff like that.” Jongin flicks her head playfully, and she just grins in response. “You’ll never hold the group back, Jinri.”
She is looking at him with curious, trusting eyes. “Oh? And how are you so sure?”
He swallows almost painfully when he sees her looking at him like that. That look makes him want to say words that would probably lead to him keeling over in embarrassment (and fear of rejection). “Because you’ve always been good enough.”
-
It’s a little more believable when Jongin says it.
-
f(x) is gearing up for another comeback. Jongin is in f(x)’s practice room again.
It is a familiar sight.
He has an off day, and he is choosing to spend it with f(x). (With Jinri.)
But he's not learning any of the choreography; Jinri doesn't need him to. She can handle herself.
Instead, he is acting as moral support- he is a constant, living reminder of the fact that she can't let any negative words get to her and mess her up. Not when it would be a disservice to everyone that love and support her. Jinri knows Jongin does a lot for her, has always done a lot for her. His presence even now, in their practice room, is evidence of that.
The words leave her mouth before she even thinks about it. “Why do you do so much for me, Jongin?” All of f(x) stop dancing to look at Jongin; they are all anticipating the answer. (Although four fifths of the group already know what it is.)
(Jinri's hoping she knows what the answer is too.)
The answer is easy, even with five pair of eyes scrutinizing him (and he can feel Soojung trying to stare him down). A light blush colors his cheeks, but his tone is confident and clear. “Because you’re worth it.”
the end.
Not for Jongin, not for f(x), and not even for herself.
-
Jinri is Sulli, but Sulli is not Jinri.
She found that out a long time ago; and just like how Jinri is Sulli, but Sulli is not Jinri-
Jongin is Kai, but Kai is not Jongin. Kai is a persona, but Jongin is someone tangible, real, and there.
They are personas that belong to the public; Jinri is well aware of that. She knows that her own body is not only hers, that her smile is not an indicator for only her happiness. Jinri knows.
But sometimes, she likes to remind herself that once upon a time, she was just Jinri and he was just Jongin.
-
Things have changed, they have changed, and their world has changed- they are no longer just Jinri and Jongin, but Sulli and Kai- they have names to carry, and images to uphold.
But once upon a time- they really were just Jinri and Jongin.
He never lets her forget that.
-
Jinri feels a little lightheaded and she really needs to sit down- on the contrary though, her members are actively running about and enjoying the special stage between Super Junior and f(x).
She doesn’t know how the rest of her labelmates still have so much energy, but she certainly doesn’t have any left to spare by randomly jumping around and hugging her band members. (She really doesn’t know how Super Junior does it.) She spends another moment on stage before the special combined stage is over and she heads over to backstage eagerly, wanting to spend her three minutes of break before another costume change by just sitting on the ground. That is all she wants.
And that is what she gets. The moment she makes it to the female dressing room (because all the girls shared during times like this- no use in separating them into rooms when they were bound to latch onto one another anyway) she plants her tush on the closest cushioned surface and sighs in bliss.
(The closest cushioned surface happens to be a sofa.)
She still feels a little lightheaded, but it’s not as bad as when she was on stage; something about all the lights, and the heat, and the screaming, and the “Sulli”- it would give anyone a headache. And she was pretty sure that was why she felt rather dizzy at the moment.
There is a knock on the door, a rather polite one, and Jinri automatically frowns at the noise for two reasons. One, if they’re knocking, the person is most likely not female. Which means they have no business here. And two, she is the one closest to the door at the moment. Which means that she has to open the damned door.
With a grievous sigh, Jinri hoists herself up from her comfortable position on the sofa and pads over to the door. She opens it only a crack- and once she sees who is behind the door, she immediately tries to close it again.
A voice cuts through the air, clear and confident. “Jinri!” Jongin’s foot stops her from closing the door all the way.
Well, she tried.
She cracks a grin and opens the door again, except this time, she steps out and proceeds to close the door behind her. Miraculously, they are alone in the hallway.
“Hi Jongin,” she greets. Suddenly, she doesn’t feel all that lightheaded anymore. In fact, she feels rather giddy. And like she can fly- which is a tad more worrying than a dizzy spell. “What’s up?”
Jongin shrugs at her a little, crossing his arms. “Just wanted to say hi.”
Jinri accepts the reason; she knew that EXO would be coming to watch today, but in the midst of all the chaos and performing, she just pushed that information to the back of her mind.
That’s why seeing Jongin comes as a pleasant surprise to her. She grins again and teasingly says, “I’m sorry, but the Soshi unnies are out performing right now, so you’ll have to try and sneak a fanboy hi to them later on.”
Jongin snorts at her and pokes her side lightly. “Yeah, well, it’s a good thing- it’s a good thing I’m not here to say hi to them then.” He looks a little shifty eyed as he says this, and looks anywhere besides her face.
The answer is something that warms her to the core and has her lips struggling not to smile. As a plus, hearing her given name- after hours upon hours of just hearing “Sulli” over and over again- sounds wonderful.
Jinri is suddenly too curious to stop the question from leaving her lips. “Why don’t you ever call me Sulli?”
“Why don’t you ever call me Kai?” he shoots back, sounding rather indignant. He is done looking all shifty eyed and suspicious and meets her curious gaze with a steady look of his own.
She pouts at her question being returned to her. “Because- you’re, you’re just,” she pauses, trying to find a proper explanation. Only one works in her mind. “To me, you’re just Jongin.” She feels rather lame about her answer, but it is the only one that makes sense to her.
Jongin nods at the answer and gives her another poke. “That’s great, because to me, you’re just Jinri.”
Jinri feels lightheaded again, but for a completely different reason now.
-
“Good, good, you put so much emotion in your dancing!” one of the instructors praises Jongin with a small smile and a gentle pat on the shoulder. EXO is gearing up towards their debut, and now everyone is working as hard as they possibly can to perfect their choreography and to synchronize with one another.
And at the center of it all is Jongin.
Jongin takes the praise with his own smile and bows respectfully. Baekhyun nudges his shoulder as a playful tease, and Jongin can feel the back of his neck heat up in embarrassment. He never did like this type of public praise.
Hours later, he mulls over the compliment.
He gives so much emotion in his dancing? Jongin figures he gives so much because that’s the only way he knows how to give them.
Jongin knows he isn’t particularly good with handling his own emotions (and never will be); he has practically given up on being able to handle the emotions of other people.
That is why he puts every single emotion that he can into his dance, so that the words that he can never say can be shown through his actions.
(And that’s also why he puts every single emotion in every little pat on the head, every brighter than usual smile, and every twirl that comes after a hug.)
He doesn’t know how else to convey those feelings.
-
They are both scheduled to perform at the 2011 SBS Gayo Daejun; f(x) is back and has been promoting Pinocchio and Hot Summer. This marks their third annual Gayo Daejun performance.
On the other hand, the Gayo Daejun marks EXO’s first public performance- and it’s not even their debut stage or anything, especially since not all twelve of them will be performing, but Jongin is still feels nervous enough to throw up all over the floor.
He hopes he doesn’t.
Jongin’s a whole mess of nerves and is filled with the potential of up-chucking; he prays that no one touches him because he’s pretty sure that he can and will freak out on them.
And then he feels a tap on his shoulder and Jongin is half an inch away from running into the nearest supply closest to hide, but he scrounges up courage and turns around slowly.
“Hi.”
“Go away Jinri, I’m about to throw up.” Jongin deadpans at the younger girl- because not even her presence can calm him at the moment.
Jinri wrinkles her nose adorably in obvious teasing and disgust and takes a noticeable step back (just in case Jongin does decide to actually throw up).
The action makes Jongin want to groan because Oh god, you should not look cute right now and he internally calls Jinri a spawn of Satan for making him even less calm than before.
“Why do you look so nervous for?” It is an innocent question.
He gives her a look that obviously translates to are you fucking serious? and that makes her laugh a little.
She pats a shoulder (harder than she should, she admits), and Jongin tries not to wince. That makes her laugh a little more. “You’ll do fine, Jongin.”
It’s a little more believable when Jinri says it.
-
Jongin does fine.
(Jinri tells him that she called it.)
-
What is Love is released in the beginning of 2012; it is a mashup of all their previous teasers, and seeing the video makes Jinri feel like a very proud sunbae.
She likes to watch it, likes to see how those twelve people have suddenly grown up, have changed into performers.
And she also likes to watch it because it reminds her of f(x)’s debut (although they didn’t get nearly as many teasers). But with EXO, f(x) is officially no longer the baby group of the company, and that makes Jinri snicker. (Finally- because she could deal without all the teasing that a maknae group automatically recieves.)
But as proud as she is of them, as much as she likes to watch their first prologue single, she still feels a little bit of anxiety. Or something along the lines of fear.
Fear of being forgotten. Fear of being replaced. Fear of no longer having her close friend have time for her.
“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” Jinri echoes the words she heard three years prior, but means them just as much as Jongin did.
She thinks she sounds ridiculous- she is the sunbae in this situation. She debuted three years prior, and yet she is still asking for him not to leave her behind? It makes no sense- but at the same time it does. (Because Jinri knows what it’s like, how busy it will get, how drained they will be all the time. Because Jinri knows how easy it is to forget everything when the spotlight is hot on you, when the fans are screaming your name, when every single camera is watching your every move.)
Sure, she thinks, that she never forgot Jongin and they maintained their friendship all this while, but that is because she knows that Jongin is important to her. And important people don’t get left behind. The problem here though, is the fact that she doesn’t know quite how important she is to Jongin.
And that kind of scares her.
Jinri repeats the words one more time, a little louder, a little more desperate.
But she echoes the words to a screen instead of the actual Kim Jongin- and there is no magical reply telling her to shut up. There is nothing (and no one) to ease her worries.
-
History is released next.
Jinri calls Jongin up the moment she’s done watching the music video.
The moment she knows he has picked up (because she just knows), she says, “I wish I could dance like you.”
Jongin gives a tired huff as a reply and quickly retorts with, “ Well I wish I could smile like you.” He probably shouldn’t have said that. In the back of his mind, he knows he shouldn’t have said that. But now that words have been spoken, he can’t stop the rest that want to follow. “I have to have a whole stage prepared for me to wow people- you just have to smile at them.” Jongin suddenly wants to kick himself in the face (but he’s not quite capable of that, so maybe he’ll ask Zitao to help him out) because he is pretty sure he has just said something slightly creepy.
He hates words sometimes.
And then Jinri just laughs in her loud, almost breathless way, and she simply says, “It sounds a little more believable since it’s coming from you, Jongin.”
He’ll take that.
-
Sometimes, Jinri can’t help but think that she is important to Jongin after all.
And other times, she feels just as worthless as everyone else says she is. To Jongin, to f(x), and even to herself.
-
Jinri will never call Jongin “Kai”.
She hates calling him Kai for a very simple reason. She doesn’t know who Kai is, but she knows Jongin. She knows Jongin and rather likes him-
But Kai? She knows, of course, the importance of a stage name. She even has one herself.
It is a stage persona to go by, a thing fans recognize you as. “You are no longer Choi Jinri, you are Sulli.” The first day she is told that, she is ecstatic. The only thing she can feel is happiness at having a stage name, at being just that much closer to achieving her dreams.
Jinri still remembers turning around excitedly the for a whole week after being dubbed “Sulli”; she still remembers the beaming smiles and the shy giggles.
But as days go by and it becomes increasingly rare for someone to utter “Jinri,” she finds her heart dropping slowly and her smile fading.
She feels like something is being taken away from her. She feels like only Sulli is important in this world, while Jinri is an insignificant speck of dust. She feels like Sulli is the only one that matters, and that it is never quite about Jinri.
(But it only takes one phone call from a certain someone to make her feel like not all is lost.)
-
Jinri loves f(x). They are her second family, and will be for all of eternity.
But if Jinri were to be completely truthful to herself, she would say that she is a little jealous of her band mates.
She loves them all, undeniably and from the bottom of heart, but sometimes she gets all caught up in the scheme of things, in their performances, in their album recording, and in rushing from here to there on a schedule that shouldn’t even be attempted.
And sometimes, when she sees how her fellow members all get more lines, how fans always cheer louder for everyone else, and how her four other sisters always seem to have more places to go, a little piece of the shield that guards her heart from pain chips away.
-
Idols aren’t supposed to use the internet for a reason.
It is all too easy to search up one’s own name.
And it is all too easy to see what nasty, hurtful things that people say about you.
All it takes is one innocent search of ‘Sulli f(x)’ for Jinri to spend the next three hours reading every little comment that she can.
Why is she even in f(x)?
All it takes is for a couple of little clicks for Jinri to feel her heart slowly breaking.
She’s only there to look cute.
And all it takes is several posts to make her feel like she can’t breathe properly, like a knife has been dug into her self-worth.
f(x) would be flawless without Sulli.
That’s all it takes to make Jinri feel like she has done something wrong, that it is her fault for dragging the group down, that maybe she shouldn’t even be in f(x) at all.
Of course, there are also positive comments, with people defending her to the point of instigating an angry war, but it’s not enough- it’s not enough when the negative outweighs the positive. It’s not enough when Jinri can feel the saddening thoughts taking over, clouding over her rational mind.
She tries hard not to cry as she leafs through comments, looks at articles, and reads little rants. Jinri likes to think of herself as a strong individual- or at the very least, someone who doesn’t need to wail and sob when things get too tough and there is no real way out.
But sometimes, it just gets too hard to hold it all in.
Why she holds in it when she has family and friends with her, she doesn’t quite know- she knows that they would tell her supportive things and make her feel better- but most of the time, Jinri figures that they shouldn’t concern themselves with her little self-esteem issues.
After all, it’s not like she is far away from her home, like Qian, or Amber, or Soojung. She has no reason to cry- she’s probably not even worth the tears.
Because after all, her home is in Korea, and she is constantly with her second family-
But pressure and unhappiness and negativity are all soul killers if nothing else, and she finds herself slowly succumbing to the pressure. Slowly subcumming to the tears.
Useless. Talentless. Worthless. Not good enough. Never good enough.
Jinri cries for the first time in a long while- for the first time since their win with Pinocchio; heart wrenching and racking sobs escape her, and she just can’t stop.
-
Jinri can cry, get her feelings hurt, and feel like giving up on the world. Jinri can do all those things, but Sulli cannot.
Maybe that’s why when she slips up and can’t stop her tears, Jinri knows that she is at her breaking point. Sulli is not. Because Sulli is expected to always have a smile on her face.
(Sulli is Jinri, but Jinri is not Sulli.
Sulli feels nothing but the love of adoring fans, like she can take on the world- but Jinri never feels good enough.)
-
The first time Jongin experiences heartbreak, it comes in the form of a tired, weary Jinri with eyes so bloodshot that there is no other reason for them besides endless tears.
He sees her wandering around the company, and his first reaction is to greet her, but something feels a little off with Jinri on this certain day. His feelings are confirmed when she looks up for only a tiny moment, and Jongin can immediately tell that the girl has quite potentially cried all that there is to cry.
“I’m just not good enough.” He can hear her quiet mumbles as she walks past him, brushes past his shoulder, and doesn’t say as much as a word to him. She is too busy looking at the ground and destroying her own confidence to pay any mind to Jongin.
And his heart just breaks at the sight (because no one should have to see a distraught and saddened Jinri- it’s just not right).
-
Sulli is the one who can’t dance.
(Which is actually mighty subjective, Jinri thinks.)
Jinri has heard that over and over, and she is sick and tired of it.
That’s probably why she is undergoing extra practice right now, willing herself to catch up to her other members.
With a grimace, Jinri goes through moves over and over in the practice room, mentally challenging anyone who criticizes to spend a couple days living her life- with the hectic schedules and the hectic practices and the hectic everything- and see how they like it.
She knows she isn’t the best dancer in the group, not by a long shot. Not when there’s graceful Qian or powerhouse Sunyoung. She can’t compare to those two, or even Soojung or Amber. That’s why people call her names, say that she is useless, tell her that she is only good at being pretty.
And it stings, being told that. She has worked hard, sacrificed her blood, sweat, and tears, and paved her way with her own hands- and to have people disregard all of that like they know something about her that she herself does not- that’s what hurts the most.
It’s hard, and it hurts, but she has worked for everything that she is, and damn everything to hell if she lets herself believe otherwise. She went through all the grueling practices, she survived all the cutthroat trials, and she was able to debut- and be on par with- some of the best trainees in the company.
Jinri knows- she knows that she should feel more confident, should brush away all the negativity-
But sometimes, she can’t help but feel that they’re right- that she is just not good enough.
-
Negativity breaks concentration- Jinri can attest to that. “Why can’t I get this right?” Jinri is alone again, practicing away in the middle of the room. f(x) is scheduled to come back soon- this time, with something called Electric Shock. She reviews the dance steps in her head before testing them out, but something doesn’t connect, as the moves that she recalls in her mind are nothing like the moves that she is actually seeing in the mirror.
“I’m normally not this bad- why am I so useless?” She sighs softly, opting to take a slight rest. She sits down on the floor, just looking at her own reflection. Jinri thinks back again to all the hateful, harsh words and wonders if she is going to hear them this promotional cycle as well. She hopes not, because she has been working her ass off- she wants to improve, wants to excel, and wants to prove her worth as the fifth member of f(x).
f(x)- Asia’s best pop dance group. Jinri grimaces a little at the title while she wipes her sweat away. “Yeah right,” her voice comes out in a slight, bitter, huff. Her tone takes a lower, sadder note as she breathes her words out softly and slowly.
“I’m not good enough for that.”
-
It has been three years- three years of scrutiny, of being figuratively stabbed with sharp words, and of constantly doubting herself.
Jinri always thought that she would be used to it by now.
She thought wrong.
-
Jongin knows when Jinri is sad.
But, he figures, that Jinri makes it really easy to tell.
Jinri makes it easy for Jongin because all it takes is for one smile not to fully reach her eyes- and then that’s it. Jongin knows.
It has been three whole days since Jongin’s first Jinri induced heartbreak; she has in no way gotten better since. Yes, she still smiles, and yeah, she does talk to him still- but it’s useless because Jongin knows the truth.
And the truth hurts him, because he cannot, for the life of him, understand why Jinri would ever feel like she’s not up to par with everyone else. He knows how hard she’s worked, how talented she is, how golden her heart is- he just doesn’t know why she doesn’t seem to know all those things.
Jongin knows that Jinri just doesn’t know the effect that she has on people; if she did, she wouldn’t be beating herself up all the time.
When he sees her smiling fakely, when he sees her looking down at the ground more often than not, and when he sees her quietly mumbling to herself about how she just isn’t good enough, Jongin wants to walk over to the nearest wall and slam his forehead into it.
A fake smile is the same thing as not smiling at all- but Jinri shouldn’t even be giving out fake smiles in the first place.
Her biggest charm (second to her infectious laughter) is her sweet smile- and the fact that she dares to try and fool everyone with a second-rate imitation of that specific brightness is downright appalling.
Jongin, generally, would be freaked out by the very fact that he is thinking such thoughts- especially about Jinri. But over the years of that smile cheering him up, making him feel better, and always bringing a smile to his own face, he has learned one very specific thing.
And that is that he would do anything for that smile.
So he figures that he needs to get off his ass and find out a way to make her (genuinely) smile again.
-
Jongin waits and loiters around the practice room that f(x) is currently residing in; he knows that they are practicing right now. He also knows that their practice will end in a few short minutes.
He shifts on his heels and walks back and forth and leans against the wall for several long moments before he sees the door open (and immediately ducks, because what if Jinri walks out? He knows it is only a precaution though, because he knows for a fact that she has been staying longer as of late- and no, he is not creepy).
He spots his target and immediately walks over. “Hey Soojung.” He greets her easily, with the confidence of someone who has grown up with that other person. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Jongin isn’t particularly close to Soojung, but they are friends. Jinri had been their bridge so many years ago, and practically forced their friendship to commence- because no one could be friends with Jinri without being friends with Soojung. That’s just how things worked.
And that is why it is Soojung, out of everyone else in the whole company, that Jongin goes to for the answers he needs. Because Jongin has always known that Soojung is Jinri’s best friend, and that she understands her best.
And that is also why he is braving the awkwardness; although Jongin and Soojung had always been friends, they have hit a rather awkward spot as of late. Jongin can still remember the headlock that Taemin had put him in once he found out what KaiStal was. If he concentrates hard enough, he can still hear what Taemin shouted in his ear. Do you want to die, Kim Jongin? He sighs softly as he recalls the fifteen minute lecture he had received on “bro code” and how the older boy had “ liked Soojung first”.
(It had been Taemin’s mission afterwards to separate them at all costs; which inevitably left to them being a little awkward, seeing as how they had drifted.)
“I was just wondering,,” he waits for a moment as she looks at him inquisitively. He may or may not be breaching a sensitive subject. “Has Jinri been down lately? Or had any, uh, crying sessions?”
Soojung pauses and stares at Jongin so hard that he feels like she is looking into his soul. (He resists the childish urge to hide behind the nearest curtain.) She contemplates his words carefully, slowly frowning as she thinks back to how Jinri has been acting as of late. She thought something had been a little off, but she wouldn’t say the other girl was down- and she was with her almost every hour of the day! How could Jongin, who saw her for maybe an hour a week, two, if he was lucky, notice something about Jinri before her?
(But she doesn’t question whether or not she is down or not- because now that Jongin has said it, it is practically truth.)
She sighs as she continues to stare, but doesn’t say a word. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because she doesn’t know what to say. Soojung always thought that it was a little awkward being around Jongin without Jinri. And she even knew why she thought it was awkward.
Jongin irritates her. It’s not so much him, in a general sense. He’s pretty awesome, actually. And he has never done a single thing to actually upset her. But alas, he still irritates her to no end for a simple reason.
It is what he means to Jinri that annoys her.
Soojung admits with a sad grimace that no one knows Jinri as well as Jongin does; it is a statement that agitates her, digs at her best friend pride relentlessly- but it is also something that she has accepted as truth.
And that annoys her even more. “I’ll ask,” is what Soojung finally comes up with. She gives him a brief smile before sighing and turning on her heel (towards the practice room she had left not three minutes ago).
He stops her short with a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you, Soojung,” is all she hears before he turns around and walks away.
Soojung finds herself mildly scowling as she watches his retreating back. The only thing that isn’t annoying about Jongin, she thinks, is how much he cares for Jinri..
That is something that Soojung will always be thankful for.
-
“Ssul~” Jinri hears her best friend’s sweet voice crooning to her.
With a tired smile. Jinri returns the sentiment. “Jjung~” But then she blinks in confusion because- didn’t Soojung just leave to go home? “Did you forget something?”
Soojung nods furiously with a slight pout on her face. “Yeah, I did.”
Jinri looks around the room immediately, her eyes scanning for anything that could belong to Soojung. “What did you forget?”
Soojung walks a little closer and is suddenly latching onto Jinri’s neck with quite the playful smile on her face. “You~”
The response makes Jinri crack a smile- one that is more natural than any other flashing of teeth that she has done in the last several weeks. “I love you, Soojungie,” she mumbles, sweeping her arms around the slightly younger girl and hugging her tightly. Jinri figures that she has been needing a hug from her best friend for a long while now.
“I love you too, Ssul.” she mumbles, laying her head on Jinri’s shoulder. She sighs softly, feeling horrible for not noticing that the other girl had been down and out of sorts lately until Jongin (Jongin, of all people!) asked if she was.
The way Soojung hugs her back, like Jinri will disappear if she lets go, immediately sets off warning signs in Jinri’s mind. “Is something wrong?”
Soojung slowly extracts herself from the hug so that she can look at Jinri right in the eye. Her tone is firm but gentle when she answers Jinri’s question with one of her own. “Are you okay?”
She immediately realizes that she has been found out, and that makes her freeze for a moment. Her first thoughts are okay, panicking, I don’t want to lie to Soojung, but- Jinri forces another smile and steps three steps back from Soojung. “I’m fine.” Even she wouldn’t believe herself.
“Ssul...” Soojung is looking at her with these sympathetic eyes and Jinri just wants to run away from the sight.
“I’m fine, Soojung. Really.” She emphasizes her words as if that will somehow make Soojung believe her; Soojung doesn’t. And that makes her panic.
She doesn’t want Soojung to worry over her; she shouldn’t even be worth the worry.
“Look, Jinri, if you’re feeling unhappy, we can just-”
Jinri doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want to hear any of it.
So she puts on another smile and doesn’t allow the conversation to continue. She cuts Soojung off, tells her that she is needed at her parent’s house, and then leaves. That’s the end of that.
Jinri doesn’t want anyone’s pity.
(She probably doesn’t even deserve it.)
-
Their comeback is right around the corner, and Jinri is stressing out.
With every little mistake she makes, she feels the pressure of failure, the fear of disappointing everyone.
She feels more useless than ever.
-
Another week has passed.
Jinri finds herself in another increasingly familiar situation. Practice has finished, but Jinri’s not done. “I’m just going to stay behind a little longer.”
“Are you sure? It’s getting late.” Qian is looking at her with a concerned gaze and a skeptical frown.
“I’m sure, umma,” Jinri responds with a slight smile. “I’ll be fine.” And she, for the most part, means it. Jinri feels a little nostalgic, staying back and practicing when everyone else went home. Times like these reminds her of her trainee days, where she would stay back and work twice as hard just to be on par with everyone else.
She had a lot to prove back then; she still has just as much to prove now.
“If you say so,” Amber looks just as skeptical as Qian does, but doesn’t push the issue. Sunyoung looks ready to protest, but she is ushered out of the door by Soojung before she gets to say a word.
“We’ll see you tomorrow, Ssul!” is what she says before she, and the rest of f(x), are out the door.
Jinri turns back to the mirror and tries not to be the useless one.
-
f(x) (minus Jinri) holds an emergency meeting the moment they leave the practice room and enter the van.
“Do you think she’s okay?” Qian asks, looking back in the direction of the building (that is gradually getting smaller and smaller).
Sunyoung looks miffed at not being able to voice her concern earlier. “I don’t feel right leaving her by herself. It’s been almost two weeks now.”
“I think she’s been sad for a long time,” Soojung mumbles, sighing as she looks out the window; she pictures Jinri dancing alone in that room and it makes her sad.
“What do you think happened?” Amber asks, sighing as their emergency meeting raises questions and plummets any emotion of happiness.
“She doesn’t even want to talk about it.” Sunyoung pouts as she leans to her right and rests her head on Amber's shoulder.
With a slight grimace, Soojung reveals why the topic was even brought up in the first place. “Jongin did say that she was feeling down lately.”
“Jongin?” Amber repeats.
“Jongin.” Soojung nods.
Amber figures that she needs to talk with Kim Jongin.
-
Amber calls Jongin first thing in the morning.
(Okay, fine, she just so happens to get his number from Soojung first- and then she calls Jongin.)
-
f(x) (minus Jinri once more) holds another impromptu band meeting. The situation is identical to the one last night. “He thinks,” Amber hesitates a little. “He thinks that Jinri feels like she’s not good enough.”
“For what?” Sunyoung asks the obvious question; the answer is one that they would all rather not think about.
Amber says it anyway. “For f(x).”
There is an awkward silence that takes over the van as the tension is immediately upped; they can all easily come to a conclusion as to why Jinri would ever feel that way.
Talentless, useless, worthless- all words that they have heard before. It never gets any easier, no matter how many times they come across those hurtful words. It is so easy to see the little words that can break someone down and destroy them from the inside out. It is so easy to have the words affect you, it is so easy to believe in those words.
They are f(x), and they are a five member group, and they will stay that way. They all know that. And they are happy with that. But some people aren’t, and honestly, Soojung thinks that all those people can go fall in a ditch somewhere-
Especially since those people are probably why Jinri is at the SM building yet again, alone and hurting.
They all mull over the information for a couple uncomfortable moments before Soojung sighs.
Soojung sighs because she has come to a realization; and she sighs because that realization hurts.
Soojung sighs because she realizes that it is not her that Jinri needs at the moment; rather, she needs someone not in f(x). Soojung knows that any member would make things worse; she knows what it’s like to constantly be compared with people who are as close as can be. She knows what it’s like to criticized by anonymous haters with no sense of guilt. She knows.
And because she knows, Soojung calls the one person that she knows understands; it’s the same person that Jinri can never turn away.
(Or rather, he is someone that will never allow Jinri to turn him away.)
-
It is three in the morning.
Jongin gets a phone call, and he is not pleased about it.
And because he is not pleased, he picks up and grumbles an extraordinary grumpy, “Hello?”
“You were right.” His mind hazily registers this voice as Soojung’s.
“I know,” is Jongin’s initial, knee-jerk response. And then after the words set in, he asks sheepishly, “About what?”
Soojung kind of wants to punch Jongin the face. She thinks about doing so the next time she sees him, but ultimately decides against it. There are more pressing matters at hand than Soojung wanting to inflict bodily harm on Jongin.
“Can you come to f(x)’s practice room?”
“Why?” Jongin is rubbing at his eyes, not really willing to even get out of his bed, let alone out of the house and to the company.
There is a pained silence and a gritted out, “Ssul’s not feeling too happy,” that immediately has Jongin no longer feeling sleepy.
He’s up and out of his room in thirty seconds.
-
Sure enough, Jongin finds Jinri in f(x)’s main practice room.
He invites himself in. “Hi.” Jinri turns slowly, not happy with the interruption. She is breathing heavily, and her bangs are sticking to her face; her hair is damp with sweat, and it’s obvious that she has been here longer than she should have been.
She looks tired, and ready to either fall down or cry from exhaustion.
“Go away, Jongin.” She doesn’t want him to see her when she can’t muster enough strength to smile brightly at him, and especially not when she is close to tears.
“No thanks,” is Jongin’s reply. He doesn’t move from his spot.
“What are you doing here?” Jinri sits down onto the ground slowly, trying to get her breathing back to an even pace.
“Just thought I should stop by and say hi,” he answers her easily.
Jinri knows what Jongin is doing here. It’s obvious, because who would come back to the company at- she spares a glance at the clock- almost four in the morning.
Jinri also knows that Jongin knows how she’s feeling; she’s not surprised by that, but she is a little bitter. She doesn’t bother biting down the question that she wants to ask; there’s no point, not when Jongin already knows. “You probably think I’m useless too, huh?”
Jongin is floored at the statement. Useless? Sure, he may make fun of her on a regular basis, and yes, he did insult her (lack of) dancing skills all those years ago- but he has never once thought that Choi Jinri was anything close to useless.
“Jinri, you know I would never think that.” He is completely serious when he says this. In fact, he kind of wants to take her by the shoulders and shake her until all thoughts about being useless have faded into nothing- because that word shouldn’t even exist in Choi Jinri’s dictionary. She’s bright, and funny, and adorable- and she has a sweet voice, and can hold a tune, and dances well enough when motivated.
That doesn’t sound like someone who is useless at all.
Jinri laughs hollowly at his response; it is one of those laughs that have no amusement in it, just a strong sense of bitterness. “If I wasn’t useless, then I would already have this new choreography down already,” she mutters, pursing her lips into a thin line as she recalls that her members have almost perfected the new moves already. “I’m the last one.” She states this with an airy tone, but Jongin can see the hurt in her pursed lips and her stiff shoulders.
“I’ll help you,” Jongin says this easily, dropping all of his belongings (his phone, wallet, keys) onto the floor and striding up next to her. Jinri idly wonders where the shy, awkward boy she had known from years ago had gone, and who this confident imposter is. But then she realizes that Jongin has grown up and matured- and so has she, because they are no longer children. “What do you need help with?”
He might not be able to help her with everything, but if she needs help with a dance, then he’ll sure as hell give that help.
He’ll dance for her any day.
(It’s how he conveys emotion, and he’ll be damned if he gives that up.)
“You don’t have to, Jongin,” Jinri says this with a smile that she hopes he’ll believe. It has been years- and really, they are no longer children. She shouldn’t need his help anymore. She shouldn’t. “I’ve got it.”
Jongin gives her such a blatant look of disbelief that it almost makes Jinri want to laugh. “You’ve got it, huh? Is that why you look like you’re about to cry?”
Jinri huffs, but doesn’t immediately retaliate. She forgot just how well Jongin actually knew her. She forgot that fake smiles and forced happiness were useless around him. And Jinri also forgot how much of a straightforward asshole Jongin could be.
“You’re horrible, Jongin.”
He smiles at the comment, and is serious about helping her, but one look at her tired and almost sunken in eyes has him deciding against dancing anymore tonight.
She needs rest.
So he offers a hand, she takes it, he brushes the imaginary dust from her shoulders, and then he sends her home in a taxi.
That’s all he can do for tonight.
-
It has been twelve hours since Jongin has last seen Jinri. He finds himself in his room, staring intently at a video.
“Do I want to know why you’re learning f(x)’s new choreography?” Jongin is not alone.
Jongin shrugs nonchalantly before turning his attention back to the practice video (that he shouldn’t have access to, but he realized early on that Sunyoung noona was much too much of a sweetheart to say no to a pleading dongsaeng). “I need to learn it.”
He doesn’t speak, not even when he feels Luhan’s eyes boring into his back as he sashays and shuffles about. Luhan watches for a couple more moments before sighing softly and smiling faintly. “Okay, just remember, group dinner at seven.” EXO had been given the rest of the day off. The rest of the members (except for Luhan) are nowhere to be found in the dorm.
Jongin makes an uncommitted grunt at the reminder and waves off his hyung flippantly. Luhan kicks the back of his knee (for ignoring him earlier) and leaves the room with the same faint smile on his face.
He gets up with a pout, but doesn’t stop staring at the screen in front of him. He sighs faintly before getting back into position, focusing on one particular member. “Anything for Jinri,” he mumbles.
(Luhan listens outside the door with an impish grin and a proud heart- he heard Jongin loud and clear.)
-
Jongin is practicing on his own free time- which is nothing new. He has moved from his stuffy bedroom to a practice room at the company. (He escaped the dorms the moment Joonmyun had declared that dinner was over.) Again, it is nothing new.
But he isn’t even practicing choreography for EXO, so he feels kind of like a rebel.
And it is during this supposedly private practice that Jongin feels a burning, heavy gaze on his back.
Jongin turns around slowly and ends up feeling like he is staring into the eyes of the devil incarnate. “Luhan hyung, why are you looking at me like that?” As an afterthought, Jongin adds, “And how did you even know I was here?”
Luhan choses to answer neither of those questions. “So…you and Jinri, huh?”
“What about me and Jinri?” Jongin retorts, cheeks already being stained a light pink.
The older male does nothing but cackle and stare back in response.
The way Luhan is looking at him tells Jongin that the older male knows everything he has been keeping in his heart since he was thirteen. “Damn it, Luhan hyung.”
-
It has been two days since Jongin has seen Jinri, and one day since Luhan has caught Jongin.
Once again, Jongin finds himself at the company at a strange hour. It is two in the morning, and Jongin finds himself in practice room seventeen once more.
He is not alone. In fact, he is the intruder in this situation.
“What are you doing here?” Jinri asks this question the moment she sees Jongin’s face.
“I said I would help, so I am going to help.” It is a familiar scene- so familiar that Jinri feels like she is reliving the past. It has been a long time- several years, in fact- but the familiarity and the same sincerity from before warms her heart.
Jongin’s grin is cheeky as he tells her, “Just like old times,” and moves her into the correct pose.
Jinri can’t help but return the grin; sadly, her words aren’t as cheery as her smile. “Even back then, I was never really good enough, huh?”
Jongin’s moves come to a slow stop and he is suddenly looking at her like she has said something blasphemous. “How could you say that?” He sounds genuinely offended- because really, he is.
Jinri is a little shocked by Jongin’s reaction, but just shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “Well, isn’t it true? The first time you helped me was six years ago- and six years later, I still need your help.”
“What’s wrong with needing help?” Jongin still looks and sounds offended, because really, he still is.
“Nothing, but-”
Jongin cuts her off because he doesn’t like how this conversation is going; and because he doesn’t like where it is going, he is compelled to change it. “You don’t have to be perfect.” He tells her this solemnly because he knows what it’s like trying to keep up with perfection- he already knows how impossible of a task it is.
“Just be Jinri, and you’ll be fine.” he says. He means every single word that is spewing from his mouth.
“But I’m not just Jinri- that’s the problem,” is her quick retort.
Jongin’s mouth twists into a rather ugly grimace and he knows that he is about to unleash a rant.
The bad thing about keeping words locked inside is that eventually, they find a way out. And usually, the result isn’t pretty.
(But sometimes it is, and Jongin is hoping for that sometime.)
“There’s no problem with being Jinri,” he snorts. Jongin doesn’t let her reply. He continues talking. “You have fans and people that love and support you, right?” The way Jongin is looking at her is making it rather hard to breathe, and she hopes that she doesn’t faint in the next thirty seconds (or at all) or so. Something about this whole thing is hitting home to Jinri, and she doesn’t quite know how to feel.
It’s like every single line in this conversation has a double meaning, and that confuses her into silence. Jinri feels something shifting between them in this moment, and she doesn’t know what to say (but she knows she doesn’t want it to stop).
Jongin takes her silence as a positive answer and barrels on, too heated to actually stop and think about the words he is spewing. “Tell me honestly, are you a member of f(x) or not?”
“I am, but I’m the-” Jongin cuts her off before she can finish what she wants to say. I am, but I’m the useless one.
“Okay, so is f(x) talented or not?” he looks at her impatiently, willing her to answer.
“They are, you know they are,” Jinri argues. “But-”
“But nothing,” Jongin dismisses. “You, Choi Jinri of f(x), just told me that f(x) is talented- and you’re a part of that damn group, Jinri.”
Jinri gets to say the words that she wants to this time around. “But I’m the useless one, the space filler, the one that’s only there because of her face,” she retorts, tone just as bitter as it is sad.
He feels angry at her words; he figures that if she isn’t doing herself justice, he might as well. “Who are these anonymous people to tell you that you don’t belong in a group that you love so much and worked so hard to be in?”
Something about his words ignites something in Jinri that makes her respond just as fiercely. “Those people,” Jinri starts, eyes blazing and mouth set in a harsh line. “Are the general public- the ones that make you or break you in this industry. They’re our harshest critics because they don’t give a damn about what we think or what we’ll feel if we ever see the horrible things that they say about us.”
He is still angry. “Exactly, they’re horrible! So you shouldn’t be paying any mind anyway!”
“Why wouldn’t I mind? I have to mind- because what do I have going for me, Jongin? I don’t have the talent to be considered a good dancer, my vocal range is nothing in comparison to theirs, and I- I’m not even considered the actress anymore!” Jinri can feel the incoming sensation that she can only link with tears, and clenches her hands into fists. She’s tired of crying.
Jongin ruffles his hair in frustration and groans. “Can you shut up and listen to all your bullshit so you can feel stupid about it already?”
Jinri feels like punching Jongin in the face- because that just sounded like a complete and total disregard of her feelings, and Jinri is not okay with that.
And unlike Soojung, she doesn’t think against it. She’s actually quite close to doing so, except he starts talking again.
“You can dance, stupid. And you can act too- everyone knows that.” He gives her a pointed glare that makes her frown in response. “And who cares if your vocal range isn’t huge, your voice is still pretty. How hard is it to believe that your fans fell in love with you for you- so just being Jinri really is fine.”
Jongin is on a roll, and is potentially using up his emotional word bank for the rest of the year, but can’t stop. He has always relied on dancing to help him through these emotional situations, but this time, he knows actions aren’t enough. And that’s fine, because it’s all for Jinri anyway. “You’re always telling me not to worry about it, that I am amazing or something, but why can’t you see it in yourself? You’re always reassuring me that I’ll be fine, but here you are just- just-” Jongin suddenly doesn’t know where he is going with this, and his mind blanks. “Just stop thinking that you’re never good enough.”
There is an awkward, weighted silence; Jinri feels like she is slowly suffocating under the scrutiny of Jongin’s heavy gaze. It is almost like they are at a standstill, with Jongin urging her to believe him, and her not fully wanting to give in.
“No,” is her response. “I can’t.” I don’t know how.
Jongin is the one that is suddenly tired now. His voice sounds a little brittle as he asks, “Can you just- can you just try?” Jongin looks like he is on the verge of pulling his hair out. “People love and support you, Jinri. And you’re hurting them for not believing in yourself when they so wholeheartedly believe in you.”
“Can you try, Jinri?” he asks once more, tone quiet and pleading. “For me?”
She wants to say “no, I can’t,” but something about seeing Jongin look so tired and sad eats away at her soul. Jinri looks at the boy that has grown up without her noticing, and mentally sighs. She wonders when he got so good with his words, when he started being able to know just exactly she needed to hear, and when he became so important to her.
Jongin looks at her patiently, waiting for her to speak. His arms are crossed and he is standing in front of her defiantly, almost daring her to go against his words.
She feels guilt at causing Jongin to react this way. And although she wants to say no, she finds that she can’t. Not when Jongin has asked her to try- and while she has been trying all this while, it’s different when she knows she has to try for him. It’s different because she realizes that Jongin has been trying for her all this time. “Okay. I can try.”
Her words bring a soft, satisfied smile onto Jongin’s face. He doesn’t expect her to change her views about herself so suddenly and so easily- but she’s willing to try, and that is a start.
They spend a moment just looking at each other before Jinri smiles slightly. “Thank you, Jongin.” Thank you for giving me such kind words, for believing in me, for being there. Thank you for supporting me, for telling me what I needed to hear. Thank you for being Jongin.
Jongin, like always, understands. “Anything for you, Jinri.”
-
(The rest of f(x) watch from behind the slightly open door. They couldn't bring themselves to leave Jinri all alone tonight. And they decided to stay for the show once they saw Jongin.
Qian has a proud smile on her face, Amber looks mighty satisfied, and Sunyoung tries not to cry- because the whole scene was touching, damn it!
And Soojung- well, it is the first time that Soojung isn’t completely annoyed with Jongin.
“Ah, young love,” they hear a soft murmur from behind them, and all four heads whip towards the sound in a synchronized fashion.
“Luhan, what are you doing here?”)
-
It is the day before their official comeback stage with Electric Shock. “Do you think I’ll hold the group back this time around?” Jinri’s tone is calm and airy; she is asking just to ask.
“Stop saying stuff like that.” Jongin flicks her head playfully, and she just grins in response. “You’ll never hold the group back, Jinri.”
She is looking at him with curious, trusting eyes. “Oh? And how are you so sure?”
He swallows almost painfully when he sees her looking at him like that. That look makes him want to say words that would probably lead to him keeling over in embarrassment (and fear of rejection). “Because you’ve always been good enough.”
-
It’s a little more believable when Jongin says it.
-
f(x) is gearing up for another comeback. Jongin is in f(x)’s practice room again.
It is a familiar sight.
He has an off day, and he is choosing to spend it with f(x). (With Jinri.)
But he's not learning any of the choreography; Jinri doesn't need him to. She can handle herself.
Instead, he is acting as moral support- he is a constant, living reminder of the fact that she can't let any negative words get to her and mess her up. Not when it would be a disservice to everyone that love and support her. Jinri knows Jongin does a lot for her, has always done a lot for her. His presence even now, in their practice room, is evidence of that.
The words leave her mouth before she even thinks about it. “Why do you do so much for me, Jongin?” All of f(x) stop dancing to look at Jongin; they are all anticipating the answer. (Although four fifths of the group already know what it is.)
(Jinri's hoping she knows what the answer is too.)
The answer is easy, even with five pair of eyes scrutinizing him (and he can feel Soojung trying to stare him down). A light blush colors his cheeks, but his tone is confident and clear. “Because you’re worth it.”
the end.