Why Can't I Save You? (Taemin/Krystal)

[jjaestar17]

There's nothing he can do- he can't save her.

(of happy endings & promises of forever)

He can't stand hospitals. The room is spinning, and just sitting there makes him sick to his stomach. He hates hospitals almost as much as he hates the feeling of dread that is coursing through his veins as he waits. And waits and waits and waits.

Of course, it is the sense of dread that comes with visiting hospitals that makes him sick and makes the room spin, but he can do nothing except wait.

The feeling of dread gets stronger each passing minute as he waits in silence. He can't stand hospitals. And the room won't stop spinning.

He hates the desolation of this place, and the waiting, and the silence- oh, that god-awful silence.

All he wants to know is if she is okay or not. He can’t even believe that she was admitted to the hospital in the first place; he always thought she was invincible. The room won't stop spinning and no one is telling him anything and he feels sick to his stomach and-

The door has opened. A doctor has stepped out and Taemin feels the dread climbing to even higher heights.

Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. That is what the doctor tells him. She has a rare form of cancer. Her situation is worsening at an advanced rate since this cancer is a high grade one. The doctor says he'll do what he can for her, but he can promise nothing.

Taemin almost feels like laughing at the ridiculous reality that is his (and her) situation.

Cancer, of all things? He thinks about how this isn't some stupid drama where the girl is fatefully diagnosed with cancer to make the male lead realize how much he loves her.

No.

This is about her life, and his.

She is always so strong, bright, and straightforward with life. How can she be dying? She hates dramatic clichés like this the most. Almost as much as he hates hearing about this rare and deadly disease.

How can she have cancer?

He almost can't believe it, except the sickening feeling in his stomach reassures him that this is the truth.

He tries hard not to cry. He tries hard to be strong. After all, his Soojung isn't a crybaby and she doesn’t like crybabies. She likes tough guys, and he knows that. If anything, he shouldn't cry because she hates when he is feeling down and she's not next to him, comforting him.

He realizes that he can't stay strong, not really, because she is in a hospital bed and he's in this blasted waiting area. She is dying as he thinks about her, and he can't even see her because it is way past visiting hours and he's not family.

And then he realizes that she might never become part of his family, and he can't help it. He feels the prickling sensation of incoming tears and he just can't help it.

He wishes he could be in there with her. All he wants is to see her, and for her to be okay. He wonders if the doctors from earlier will let him in if he says that she is his family. In his mind, she is already Krystal Lee Soojung (even if she says she wants to keep her last name, he knows that she would take his).

No matter what excuse or reason he gives, the staff is adamant on not letting him see her that night. With a sigh, he nods and promises them that he’ll be back tomorrow to see her. He goes home and feels a little empty inside, knowing that he can go home to his comfy bed while she is stuck in a hospital.

--

That night, he has a nightmare. He dreams of the hospital, and how one day that same doctor will tell him that she is-- He can’t finish the thought. Not even in his dreams can he bring himself to think about it.

He wakes up drenched in sweat, breathing hard and scared out of his mind.

He goes to school that day, and it is hard. It is extremely and inexplicably hard without her presence around. To make matters worse, everywhere he goes, people just stare at him with pity because they know. They pity him because Soojung isn’t here because she can’t be, and they know why she can’t be. News spreads fast.

He doesn’t want their pity. They can pat him on the back all they want, or hug him as many times as they feel they need to, or tell him that they’ll be there for him, but he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care because none of it changes a thing.

No matter how many hugs he gets, no matter how many sympathetic pats on the back he receives, and no matter how many consoling words he hears- none of it changes a thing.

None of it helps Soojung.

--

Taemin sulks by himself all day until he suddenly remembers that he is not the only one hurting right now.

He seeks out Sulli, Amber, Luna, and Victoria. Soojung’s closest friends. He greets them quietly when he sees all four girls sitting at their usual table. Four pairs of tired and red-rimmed eyes look up at him and Sulli almost cries on the spot when she sees him.

“Soojung-” And her eyes water and he knows how she feels. She can’t continue on.

Amber tries to speak, but can’t find the words to say. She looks a little lost, and hurt. Very, very hurt. He knows how she feels too.

He looks to the side and sees the usually smiling, talkative blonde completely subdued and a mess. He thinks he must look kind of like that too.

And Victoria just pulls him into a hug because she needs it just as much as he does. She understands what he’s feeling, just as he understands her.

He understands them because they are a part of her family, and by extension, a part of his.

He finds himself asking, “What can I do to save her?” as Victoria hugs him tightly.

She has no answer for him.

--

He goes to the hospital right after school lets out, but he is told that he can’t see her yet.

He is dejected, but goes home willingly.

And then he returns the next day, and he still cannot see her.

He is growing impatient and weary.

Day after day, someone tells him that he cannot see patient Jung Soojung and he growls in irritation, but accepts it, even though it has been much too long.

It has been too long since he has last seen her.

She is a patient that isn’t allowed outside visitors, and that worries him. He hates that. It has been weeks since he last saw her, even if he has gone to the hospital nearly every day.

On that given day, he almost attacks the nurse right there.

She is in testing. That’s why he can’t see her. He simply goes “oh” and nods his head at the reason. At least it wasn’t the usual, “You’re not family, stop showing up” excuse that they have grown accustomed to giving him.

They want to see how far along her disease is, and he can’t get mad at that. He even clings to the hope that she is fine, that there is no cancer to deal with, but he knows by the sympathetic looks that the nurses give him that his hope is foolish.

But hope is hope, and he doesn’t dare think about what will happen to him if the cancer is stronger than she is.

He turns to leave the hospital because the place screams death to him. It smells of sickness, despair, sweat, and tears. He can’t wait to leave.

And then he hears the sound of rolling wheels and he knows that a body is being carted around behind him. He turns around and looks, just because he can’t resist, and it is the one person that he had been waiting to see.

But he didn’t want to see her like this.

In a moment’s notice, he is right next to the cart that holds his girlfriend (he pushed away a nurse to get to her without even thinking about it) and starts whispering her name. “Soojung. Soojung. Soojung.”

She doesn’t move at all, but he’s happy to just see her.

The nurse who had been pushed aside looks at him with sympathy and says, “She’s just sleeping.” She looks on at the two, and thinks back to her first love with a slight smile on her face. “Come back in a two days, kid. She’ll be released by then.”

She’ll be released by then. Taemin feels his hopes soar, and almost gives the nurse a bone rushing hug, but refrains. He has hope. He hopes that this personal nightmare straight from hell will end and Soojung will be back in his arms like nothing ever happened. He gives the nurse a blinding smile.

--

To his credit, he went to school the next day even though he found out his girlfriend was soon to be released from the hospital. He thought the day was unbearable, but somehow managed. How? Because he had hope. She was to be released the next day.

So he thinks that he can’t be blamed if he skips school the day after. Honestly, his possibly dying girlfriend is in the hospital. He refuses to sit in a class, itching to run outside- to her- and decides that it would be much better to skip the whole school day altogether.

And so he spends his day at the hospital, waiting, and rushes into her assigned room once he is given the “okay” and sees her beautiful self for the first time in much too long.

Once he is in touching distance, he touches her face, her hair, her shoulders. He gives her a look-over, and realizes that she looks fragile. So, so fragile.

He vaguely wonders if she’ll break if he pokes too hard.

She gives him a thin smile and all other thoughts fade in his mind. He can’t help but return the smile, especially when she says, “Hey stranger.”

“Hey yourself.” His smile gets brighter and he gives her a kiss on the cheek. “I missed you.”

“How much?” she asks, and he recognizes the tone. She is being cheeky with him, and by the gods, he has missed that.

He pretends to be thinking as he states, “Hmm, let me think about that~” and she scoffs at him, hitting his arm.

And the hit is soft. He barely feels it. If she did that a month ago, she would have for sure given him a bruise and the thought of that makes him frown. She is losing her strength, and it makes him sad.

She doesn’t realize the change in her boyfriend’s mood and smiles to herself, saying, “They’re finally letting me out!”

She turns to him, and smiles that special smile, the smile that he loves so much, and it hits him just how much he has missed her.

Blood flows to his cheeks as he smiles back at her, and the tingling feeling in his stomach tells him that Soojung, bedridden and hospitalized or not, can still make him feel like everything is right in the world.

Except everything is not right in the world, and he thinks about how much he has missed her, and how much he will miss her if she…goes. He wonders if he would be able to survive without seeing her smile for the rest of his life. She brightens his days, and she is the center of his world. He wonders how mundane a world without her in it would be, and decides that he shouldn’t think about that.

She’s getting released.

True to the words of that one nurse, she was released that day. He knows that he should take her home, but he selfishly wants a little more time with her.

He thinks that Jessica noona (and her parents) can wait, anyway. (Even though he knows that Jessica really can’t, but he wants to be a little selfish. Jessica noona could visit Soojung because she is family. He could not. He just wants a little more time with her, is all.)

They go to his house, and his parents are happy to see her. His mom gives her a gentle hug, and his dad pats her head softly when they see her. They go up into his room, and just sit and talk on his bed.

They talk about everything and anything, and for the moment, they are content like this. Just hearing her talk, albeit not as cheerfully as usual, is making him happy.

And then she crushes his happiness. She looks at him carefully and asks, “You know what this means, right Taem?”

He looks curiously at her, and asks, “What does what mean?” He already knows he doesn’t want to hear whatever she has to say.

She shifts a little from her comfortable place on his bed (he’s sitting across from her) and says, “They only released me because they gave up any hope of curing me.” Soojung looks at him with a sad smile, and he realizes that he was right.

He really did not want to hear this. He frowns, and retorts with an almost childish, “You don’t know that.”

She gives him another sad smile and continues. “My cancer is spreading too fast. It’s actually kind of too late right now. And one day, soon, I’ll be-”

He doesn’t let her finish. He almost slams his palm onto her mouth to shut her up. “No.” is all he can say. “No.”

His voice cracked, and he is shaking.

Her eyes look at him sadly, and she gently removes his palm from her mouth by taking his hand in hers.

“Can you please not talk like that?” he asks. He’s short of begging her to stop talking. “Soojung, you’re going to live. I’m going to save you somehow, and we’ll be able to spend our lives together and we’ll be able to get married and we’ll do all the things that we said we were going to do.” He says this earnestly, even though he knows he sounds foolish. But he can’t help it.

Soojung looks at him sadly again (He hates that look) and she mutters quietly, “You can’t save me though…” but he hears it loud and clear.

And it hurts hearing that from her. He has always thought that he would be able to do anything for her, and hearing her say that he can’t save her pains him. “Why can’t I save you?” he asks her weakly.

She looks at him levelly and he knows she is acting calm. “Because you can’t. Because there is no cure. Because it is already too late.” In her eyes, he can see it. He can see the fear, the pain, and the anguish.

He can see that she wants him to save her just as badly as he wants to save her.

He looks at her blankly for a moment and tries to think of a future without her. He has only dated her for about two and a half years, but already, he cannot think of a future without her. In his mind, there was no power on earth that could separate them. In his mind, and in hers, they were meant to be together.

But it would seem that Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma had other plans for them.

They stare at each other intensely for a moment, and he asks her, “Do you remember what you promised me on our two year anniversary?”

She nods quietly, and he can see the pain and unshed tears in her eyes. “Yes.”

His tone is almost accusatory as he says, “You promised me forever.”

She crawls over and into his arms, like how she always does. He wraps his arms around her fragile form and she leans into him, head tucked under his chin. She feels protected and safe. But she knows he can’t save her. “I’m sorry I can’t give you forever.”

“You promised.” He hugs her tight.

“I know.” He feels her tears fall as her body starts to shake and her reality sets in.

Soojung always hated crying.

--

He drives her home, and her family is happy to see her. Jessica smiles slightly at him, and he greets her half-heartedly. He bows to her parents, and returns home quickly because all he wants to do is curl up in a ball and wish that this nightmare would turn into a wonderful dream where he gets his happy ending.

The pain is almost too much to bear, after the conversation with Soojung. He lies in bed; his head is filled with thoughts of her and only thoughts of her- she’s all he can think about.

He thinks of her, and of their relationship, and how important she is to him.

And he cries.

Hot, angry tears streak down his face. He can’t handle the thought of losing her, let alone actually doing so.

He can’t save her.

He can’t save her from the scared look she has in her eyes. He can’t save her from the cancer. He can’t save her from dying.

He so very much wishes that he could save her because he needs her. He would give up anything and everything in the world if that meant he could save her.

Because she promised him forever.

And he realizes just how much he needs her as his tears continue to streak down his cheeks. He needs her to keep him grounded, to keep him balanced. He needs her to be sane. He needs her to make him laugh, to make him feel like all is right in the world with a little smile. He needs her because he loves her.

She is a part of him, and he doesn’t want to imagine a life without her.

Because he loves her.

And so he falls asleep, dreaming of happy endings and promises of forever.

He wishes, with all his being, that this one dream of his could come true.

--

She returns to school, hand-in-hand with him. She sees the pitying stares, and she hates them. He is quick to silence anyone who looks at her in a way she feels uncomfortable with. He can, at the very least, do that for her.

He sees Amber’s eyes widen in shock as soon as the tomboy sees that Soojung has entered school grounds, and he can’t help his smile.

Within moments, Amber is in front of Krystal and hugging her tight. “Princess~” she mumbles. Krystal hits her lightly, and all Amber can do is distance herself a tiny little bit and smile sheepishly at her.

Sulli sees Soojung next and immediately starts showering her with kisses to her cheeks. “Jjung! I missed you so much!” All Soojung does is laugh while trying to act annoyed with the attention.

Taemin can only smile as he watches their reunion, and he wishes that he could see Victoria and Luna’s reaction as well, but he must go to class and so must they.

He kisses her on the cheek lightly (after wiping Sulli’s spit away of course) and hugs her. She smiles up at him, and pulls him in for a mouth-to-mouth kiss before walking off to class with Amber and Sulli.

That kiss warms him to the core. Don’t leave me. I need you. Don’t leave me.

He is quick to find her after classes are dismissed, and he stares at her while Victoria smothers her with love.

I love you. Don’t leave me. I wish I could save you. She catches his gaze, and he walks over in the next moment. I want you to keep your promise of forever.

He is giving her a back hug while all her friends are trying to get her attention at once. They always liked hogging Soojung’s attention.

Why can’t I save you? Why can’t you stay with me?

--

That night, he lies awake in bed, thinking about everything and nothing.

And then the sound of an ambulance pierces through the air, and he swears his heart skips a beat at the sound.

What if she is in that ambulance? Is she okay?

He panics and tumbles out of bed, reaching for his phone, dialing a number he knows better than his own.

He waits in anticipation, and he can’t help but hate the ringing noise, if only for a moment.

“Hello?” He hears her voice, and relief flows through his body.

“Hi.” He replies, breathless.

“Any reason you called?” she asks him. She sounds sleepy, and he feels guilty that he has probably woken her up.

“Just wanted to hear your voice.” He says, tone cheeky but completely serious.

“You cheesy thing.” She mumbles and hangs up after whispering a soft, “I love you.”

He hears it loud and clear, and his heart is calm for a moment.

The noise of the ambulance fades into the distance.

But he cannot forget about it. He knows that one day she might be in an ambulance, and his heart breaks at the thought.

He always thought that they were going to die together, but this is way too soon. She is only 17, with him being 18. She has her whole life ahead of her. He does too. But he still can’t imagine a life without her.

He cannot sleep.

He finds himself praying. It is something that he has never thought to do, just because he has never had anything to pray for. But for her, he will.

If there is a higher power up there, can you give her more time? It would be great if you could let her live a full life, so she could fulfill her promise to me, but a couple more decades would work as well. Higher powers of the world, you all know I love her, right? I need her. Please.

He does not sleep that night.

--

One day, he sees her face as a mixture of pain and sadness. “What’s wrong, Soojung?” He whispers to her.

“I feel so tired.” She mumbles, and she grabs on to his hand. He pulls her into a hug, and he feels like crying.

This is the first time he has ever heard her say she is tired. She is supposed to be energetic, cheerful, athletic, kick ass, and happy.

He knows he is losing time.

He doesn’t know how much time she has left, but it’s obvious now that with each passing day, she will eventually leave him.

Higher powers, you guys suck.

He knew he shouldn’t have prayed. It only gave him false hope.

And he can’t afford to have any of that. Destroyed hope, even if it is false, only breaks a heart that much faster.

--

They try to accomplish all that they said they would, and go on as many dates as they can. He spends as much time as possible with her, and he tries to cherish the light in her eyes as he takes her around all of Korea.

He loves when her eyes are bright and shining. He loves holding her hand and hugging her. He loves the kisses they share and the sweet words that are exchanged.

She knows that she doesn’t have that much time left with him.

He knows that too.

--

Something that has come to bother him is that he knows he can’t save her. He hates it. He wishes so badly that he could.

He lies awake some days, with just one thought in his mind. Why can’t I save you?

--

Days pass, and life returns to normal, for the most part. They go to school, they are together, and they are happy.

--

He is sitting with his hyungs, explaining Soojung’s situation, when he gets an urgent phone call.

It is from his Jessica noona.

And he panics, already assuming the worst.

She hisses at him to get to the hospital, and he doesn’t give it another thought. He is in his car and speeding towards the hospital without a word to his hyungs. He doesn’t have any time to lose.

He is going fast, but not fast enough.

He doesn’t know what to expect when he gets there, but he knows he needs to get there.

He knows she needs him, and he knows this car isn’t going fast enough, and she needs him.

It takes way too long to get to the hospital, but he does manage to get there. He tears down the halls like a madman, but the staff members know him by now. They don’t care. They know they can’t stop him.

But people do stare. All the patients and visitors that have never seen him before can’t help but stare. They stare and point at him like he is an enraged madman, like they have never seen someone desperately running towards his possibly dead girlfriend.

He snorts at his thought process, and then figures it is okay if they’ve never seen someone desperately running towards their possibly dead girlfriend before, because that would mean that there are other desperate boyfriends with their potentially dying girlfriends, and only one desperate boyfriend (aka him) is sad enough.

He has to live with this type of reality, but he wouldn’t wish it on anyone else for the world.

At last he reaches her room, after running and running and more running and he hopes that he sees something reassuring. He hopes that she’s not already dead.

And he breathes a sigh of relief once he fully enters the room and hears the beeping heart monitor that signifies life. Her life.

She is in her bed, looking peaceful and content. Beside her bed, sitting in an uncomfortable chair, is Jessica Jung Sooyeon.

She looks at him and gives him a watery smile as she stands up to hug him. He returns the smile and goes into her awaiting arms, murmuring a quiet, “Hi noona.”

She squeezes him tight and half-teases, “Took you long enough, Taemin.”

He gives her a mock look of hurt and retorts, “You try to run from the parking lot all the way up here. I bet you can’t even run up the first flight of stairs.”

“Yah-” She starts, but doesn’t continue. They both look at each other for a moment, and smile slightly. It has been a while since he last saw Jessica, and he has missed joking around with her.

“I’m glad you came.” She tells him, voice filled with sincerity.

“You thought I wouldn’t?” Taemin is honestly offended. How could he not come?

Jessica just rolls her eyes and flicks his forehead lightly. “You know what I meant.”

He nods at the older sister of the one he loves, and turns to the bed. He sees her still form, her pale face, and her fragile body. He wants to shake her awake just so she can open those eyes and reassure him that she is still with him. He’s not ready for her to leave yet. He’ll never be ready.

But he doesn’t touch her. She is simply sleeping, and he knows that. She needs her rest. So he’ll just wait until she wakes up.

He grabs a chair from the corner, and sits down next to where Jessica’s chair is. He pats the chair that the older woman was sitting on, and asks, “Do you have a moment for your dongsaeng?”

Jessica sighs as she reclaims her seat, and he looks at her again. He really looks at her, and he realizes that his Jessica noona is tired. Her usually perfect hair is messy, her impeccable fashion sense is nowhere to be found, her eyes are red-rimmed and swollen, and she looks skinner than before. Not that she had any weight to lose.

He always considered Jessica invincible, (just like how he always thought that Krystal was invincible) and seeing her like this scares his. And so he expresses his concern the only way he knows how.

“You look horrible, noona.”

“You look worse, Taemin.” She retorts, kicking him lightly. He knows.

They fall into silence as they just stare at the sleeping girl that connects them, and for a moment, they are content in amiable silence.

And then she breaks it. “I have to go now.” Her tone is sad and she looks unwilling to leave. He understands that. He wouldn’t want to leave Soojung either.

But he doesn’t think that is a problem. She’ll leave him first, in the worst way possible.

“I have to go back to work, but you’ll stay with her, right?” she asks. He looks at her with an expression of “are you kidding me?” and tells her, “You know I will.”

She pats his head affectionately, and he waves her off. And then he is alone with her.

He stares down at her, and finds himself wishing that there was some magical time machine that could make things go back to the way things used to be. He wished that she could be filled with strength and energy and life once more. He knows that it is a hopeless wish, especially at this time, but he can’t help it, just because he loves her. Obviously, he loves her nonetheless, whether she is bedridden or able to high jump with the best of them, but he misses his energetic Soojung so so much. He doesn’t want her to die. He doesn’t want to lose her. Why can’t he save her? He so selfishly wishes that she could live on to be his forever.

“I love you.” He finds himself telling her, his words as bold, affectionate, and sincere as the first time he confessed to her.

He meant it then, and he means it now.

He stands up slightly and presses a kiss to her forehead.

And then he realizes that she is burning up. He plops back onto his chair and wonders if a fever is what has put her back into her personal hell. She was doing all right, and she was out of the hospital for so long already- and he wonders if a fever is enough to get her back in here.

He feels the same sense of dread that has become familiar with him.

A couple of hours pass by, and he’s falling asleep in his chair, except he can’t really sleep because that same sense of dread is keeping him up. And then she opens her eyes- her wonderful, beautiful eyes- and she gives him a weak smile.

It is like water has been splashed onto him, because now he is suddenly wide-awake and he’s holding her hands.

“Hi.” He breathes out to her, not quite knowing what to say. He feels sick to his stomach.

She gives him a thin smile and she mumbles one word. Pneumonia.

He swears that he has never hated a single word more in his life than he did in that one moment. He feels his stomach drop, and his mind vaguely registers that he wants to throw up in the corner or slam his head into a wall somewhere. “You’re kidding.” he says, tone flat and in disbelief. Panic and sickness are creeping their way up to his heart.

“I’m not kidding.” she mumbles. “And my immune system…”

She looks so, so weak, laying there.

He comes to the sickening realization that he is about to lose her. “You can’t fight it off.” The words that leave his mouth feel like a horrific punishment; a death sentence. She can’t fight it off because her immune system is too weak already. She can’t fight it.

She can’t fight it, and she is going to die.

She is going to leave him.

He so badly wishes with all his heart that he could save her. Why can’t I save you?

“My body can’t fight anymore, but I don’t want to leave. Staying with you is a much better alternative to death.” The ending line is said as a joke, to make him feel a little better.

Even when dying, she tries to make him feel better, and he is ready to just pull her into his arms and never let go.

I don’t want you to leave either. You should stay with me. He can’t seem to force those words out, and all he can do is stare at her sadly. He wants to stay with her. He wants to hold her, for them to have their forever. But he knows it is not possible.

Because he can’t save her.

At this point, no one can.

This cancer, this sickness. It occurs to him that it is going to kill her- and soon.

Killing, and death, is forever. Once she is dead, he’ll never see her again. Not ever. He bitterly thinks to himself how unfair it is that death can keep her forever, but he can’t.

Soon, he’ll never be able to hold her again. He’ll never be able to tease her, to kiss her, to make her laugh. He’ll never be able to tell her that he loves her.

It will be all over soon.

“I’m going to miss you a lot.” He finally says, after long moments of just staring at her sadly. His voice has cracked, and he figures that he sounds lame right now. He should be able to come up with something better to say. “I love you.” That is his second attempt at getting the right words out.

She smiles, and that smile almost turns into a smirk before she retorts with an, “I know.” And she does know. “I love you too.”

He tries his hardest not to cry. He wonders when he got so emotional, and his mind tells him that he got like this once he met Krystal Jung. He accepts the answer his mind has given him.

“Will you be okay without me?”

He stares at her blankly, and wonders if she is asking just torture him. She should know the answer.

He doesn’t answer, because he knows that she knows his answer, and she looks thoughtful for a moment.

“At least that means that I can spend the rest of my life with you.” She gives him a quirky smile, and he is suddenly too chocked up in his emotions to give a response.

He won’t cry. He won’t cry because he knows she won’t like it. Taemin doesn’t cry in front of Soojung. Never in front of Soojung. But he wants to. He so badly wants to. He wants to cry, to pull her into his arms, to bury his face into her neck.

But he refrains.

He finds it unfair, completely unfair, that she can spend the rest of her life with him, but he can’t do the same.

He wants to hit something, someone (not her of course), to scream, to yell.

And then he looks at her, and her content face at figuring out that she can spend her life with him, and he is suddenly overcome with the urge to kiss her.

As if she has read his mind, she suddenly states, “You better not kiss me. You might get sick too.”

He pouts at her and whines, “But I want to.” She always knew what he was thinking.

“You’re stupid for even wanting to.” She scoffs and sticks out her tongue playfully.

Taemin pauses for a moment, and then says, “Well, you always did call me stupid anyway,” and kisses her despite her protests. He kisses her straight on the mouth, and by the time they break apart, they are both grinning despite themselves.

“You know, if I have a limited amount of time with you, I might as well kiss you all I can.” He tells her this blatantly, staring at her and already moving forward.

She hits him lightly with a pillow, and he notices that her lips are pouty. Taemin can’t help but smirk. She is just asking to be kissed.

--

He does not go home that night, just because he can’t stand the thought of leaving her alone. So he sleeps in a chair beside her bed.

She has a frown on her face as she comments on how uncomfortable the chair looks, but he assures her that he’ll be fine. He tells her to just sleep, and that he’ll be here when she wakes up.

She shrugs and asks for a good night kiss (which he obviously gives) before going back to sleep.

True to his word, he stays there all night.

In the morning, a doctor comes in, and Taemin feels the irrational urge to punch him in the face.

But he doesn’t, because even his irrational side knows that it would be stupid beyond belief. He just can’t help feeling angry that the doctor can’t cure her.

(He’s angry that he can’t cure her either.)

The doctor scrutinizes Taemin for a moment as he walks toward the bed. “You’re the boyfriend, right? The one all the nurses talk about?”

Taemin blinks, and nods, confirming, “I am her boyfriend.” He leaves any note about the nurses unsaid. Sleeping or not, he wouldn’t want Soojung to hear about other girls talking about him.

Even if they were middle-aged nurses.

“What’s going on?”

The doctor sighs, and says, “She has contracted a rare form of pneumonia, and where she got it from, only god knows, but,” The doctor stops and stares, and he can almost hear the young boy’s heart breaking. “We have no idea how to treat it.” As a doctor, he hated being the bearer of bad news because he hated the look of despair that came with it.

“So you’re telling me that you have no means of keeping her alive? You’re saying that Soojung is as good as dead?” his tone is dry, and the full reality of the situation overcomes him.

The doctor looks at him sympathetically and says, “I’m sorry.” He really is.

But all Taemin can think is, “No you’re not,” and the feeling of punching him has come back. Suddenly, inconceivable anger courses through his veins, and it takes his entire conscious mind to not jump the doctor and destroy him. I can totally take him.

“She’s my girlfriend.” He spits out, still angry.

The doctor nods, and says, “I am aware.”

Taemin can’t stop being angry, even though he knows he shouldn’t be at this man. “You’re aware of that, but you’re going to let the best thing in my life die anyway? I’m going to lose her, and there’s nothing I can do and I know that, but you’re a doctor! Shouldn’t you know how to fix her?” He is standing up, seething, and looking at the doctor straight in the eye. He is glaring, and scowling, and he still can’t stop his anger. Soojung, why can’t I save you? This doctor obviously won’t.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor is frowning at him. “But we don’t have a treatment for this, and we can’t come up with a treatment in time. The most we can do is give her painkillers and medicine to ease the pain and sooth the symptoms.”

Taemin is silenced, and defeated. His anger deflates and he is brought back to reality. He nods stiffly and talks quietly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

The doctor nods in understanding and places a sympathetic hand on the teenager’s shoulder. Taemin looks up, eyes shining and full of sadness, and pleads, “Please do everything you can for her though. Do anything that you think will help.”

A sad smile is exchanged between the two, and the doctor says, “Of course. I really wish that there was something we could do though.” He smiles sympathetically, and then turns to leave.

“Hey,” Taemin calls out, and the doctor abruptly stops. “Did you know that she was going to be my wife?”

The doctor says nothing, because what can you say to that? and he leaves with a heavy heart. He always hated being the bearer of bad news.

--

When Soojung wakes up in the afternoon, the first thing she sees is her boyfriend staring at her affectionately.

She can’t help the scowl that takes precedence on her face and asks, “Isn’t there school today?”

He shrugs and says, “I have permission from my mom to be here. Besides…” He looks down at shoes and doesn’t finish his sentence, but she hears the unsaid, “I didn’t want to leave you.”

She sits up and makes him stare at her straight in the eye. “You do realize that you’re skipping class and possibly failing said classes to watch me die, right?” Soojung never did like beating around the bush.

He winces, and his face falls. “I’m sorry,” she says, expression soft, “I know you’re here because you love me, but here’s the thing.” She takes a hold of his hands, and pulls him a little closer to here. “I love you too, and I don’t want you to hurt yourself in the long run.”

He looks at her, confused, and asks, “What do you mean in the long run? It’s only one day of school.”

“In the future, school will be more important than me.” He stares at her, completely floored, and can say nothing as she continues. “I want you to go to school.”

“School will never be more important than you.” He says this earnestly, like he is promising her something.

But she doesn’t want that promise. “Stop promising things that won’t even matter soon.” She hisses at him, and he can’t help but retaliate.

“I don’t need you saying stuff like that.” He frowns at her, and her face contorts into an expression of pain. He groans and makes his way onto the hospital bed. “I know it must be hard, but I want to help you. I’m trying, Soojung.” I wish I could save you.

She goes silent but pulls him into a hug and he wishes they could stay like that forever.

But they can’t, and she breaks the silence. “I’m sorry.” she mumbles.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, love.” She quirks a smile at the pet name as he pets her hair, and continue with her apology.

“I’m sorry that you have to live without me when I can go the rest of my life with you.”

He stiffens at how final that sounds and finds that he can’t say anything in response. There are no words to describe how he’s feeling.

Thankfully, for him, she takes his silence in stride and just rests her head on his shoulder and asks him, “Can you do something for me?” Her tone is polite, subdued, and soft.

And he is instantly suspicious because this is Krystal Jung Soojung and she never sounds this polite, subdued, and soft; she never has to sound polite, subdued, and soft. He, like the many others in her life, would do anything for her anyway.

But because he is her boyfriend and he loves her, he doubly can’t say no to her anyway.

He exaggerates a sigh and says, “I can deny you nothing.” An impish smile is on his face as she lifts her head slightly to look at him.

She stares at him, and then sits looks around the room (the chair, the table, the walls, everything), and then finally focuses on him again. Her eyes are serious, and he swears that they’re looking into his soul (he, despite himself, is tempted to ask her, “How does my soul look, Soojung?”) and can’t look away. It’s almost like her gaze alone traps him. After a moment, she finally speaks. “Live your life to the fullest, Taem. Even without me. I don’t want you to forget me, but it is okay if you move on.”

He wonders if he hears correctly, if that is what she really wants to say, and when he realizes that she is completely serious, he quickly refutes her, “Anyone that has met you can never forget you; I surely cannot.” He is smiling gently to her, looking calm, composed, and reassuring. But on the inside, his emotions are wreaking havoc on his soul. It’s like a storm- destructive and furious- and he has all these feelings that he doesn’t want to deal with.

She just asked him to be okay with living without her; he doesn’t respond to that. He responds to the parts that he can (which is telling her that he is never going to forget her) but he knows in his heart that he can never live a full life without her.

She smiles at the answer (even though she knows he did not reply to her statement fully), at him, and slowly starts laying down, pulling him down with her. “Thank you.” she mumbles at him, and obviously drifts back into a light slumber.

And there, on that tiny, cramped hospital bed, he is tempted to pray to higher powers again, even if they failed him before. He prays that she doesn’t die in her sleep.

He can’t resist patting her head lightly and thinking that she looks beautiful when she’s asleep.

When she sleeps, he can’t help but think she (always) looks beautiful.

(He stays on that cramped bed, lying beside her, watching her sleep, until that doctor comes in and tells him “no.”)

--

“You know,” she starts, on a random day. He looks at her, curious from his seat next to her bed. “The doctor told me that he could just take me out of my misery right now, but the offer was kind of useless to me.”

He blinks, surprised, and questions, “You told him no?” She could opt out right now, and die before all the pain sets in. He wonders why she doesn’t pick that option.

She snorts at him, completely unladylike but so Soojung and rolls her eyes. “Of course I told him no. I’m not ready to die yet.”

He accepts her answer in silence, and wonders if it would be better for her to just quietly go now.

“Besides, you wouldn’t want me to leave just yet, right?” she asks, tone straightforward but caring.

He just smiles and kisses her on the cheek. I still wish I could save you.

He realizes that even on her deathbed, Jung Soojung is one of the most caring people he has ever met.

--

Days pass by, and those days turn into a week, and he is happy and relieved that she is still alive. She pushes through, and lives on. He leaves her side very little, and only for the necessities, and he finds that the more he stays with her, the more unwilling he is to leave.

Of course, staying a week with her meant that he hasn’t gone to school for a week. And then the school calls his parents and tells them that if he doesn’t start re-attending, he won’t be able to qualify for graduation.

His parents are not happy with that.

She isn’t happy either.

“Go to school, you idiot.” she commands him. He can see from her face that she doesn’t really want him to leave, but she knows that he has to go and she is okay with that.

And he knows he should go back to school. He doesn’t want to fail. But something is keeping him from going. “What if something happens when I’m at school?” he asks, tone unsure and face hesitant. He is apprehensive. “What if…?” his sentence trails off, but they both know what he wants to ask.

What if you die when I’m gone?

She rolls her eyes at him and retorts, “I’ll be fine, just go to school.” But he can’t believe her because her voice sounds scratchy, her face is pale, and she looks too thin. “Just go already.” She is already making shoo-ing motions towards him, and he finally nods.

“Call me if you need me, Soojung. I’ll have my phone with me all the time, and I’ll be here as fast as I can and-” She cuts him off,

“Of course, you cheese ball.” She narrows her eyes, but nonetheless continues her playful shoo-ing gesture. He is reluctant to leave, and he walks as slow as he possibly can, until she mumbles a quiet, “Hey!” But he hears her. He hears her, and he turns around, curious. Her face softens and she says, “I love you. And thank you.”

He gives her a strained smile and simply says, “I love you too.”

And then he moves to leave, and pain envelops his senses as soon as he walks through the door.

--

When he is at school, everyone asks him about her. Everyone is asking how she is doing, and he feels sick to his stomach telling them that she is close to death. Once Victoria, Amber, Luna, and Sulli hear about her condition, they know to go about their grief quietly. And Onew, Jonghyun, Key, and Minho know enough to leave him alone.

They grieve in their own way.

But no one else seems to care about her, and it kind of hurts his heart.

They ask just to know, just to have something to gossip about, and that stings.

They should know that she is much more important than a piece of gossip.

He sits in class, and it feels like he is on a constant adrenaline rush. He can’t concentrate on anything except for is she dead is she alive what if she dies when I’m at school what if she dies alone oh god please let her not be dead.

He gets answers wrong all day and he is constantly spacing out, but his teachers don’t seem to mind. They don’t glare at him or reprimand him. Instead, they give him sympathetic looks.

It gets irritating, just being there, because everyone and everywhere reminds him of her, and of the fact that he can’t be with her right now, and it leaves a sharp pain in his heart.

Can I just leave? What if I ditch? Why is this clock so damn slow?

He is impatient, and it shows.

Jonghyun puts a comforting hand on his left shoulder in one of his classes, and he smiles gratefully at his best friend, but otherwise doesn’t do anything else.

He is still impatient.

--

Once school ends, he dashes out the door and towards his car and drives to the hospital as fast as he can. (Thankfully, his parents bought him a fast car.)

Please let her be okay please let her be okay please let her be alive.

He doesn’t stop to check in. The nurses, annoyed as they are with him running everywhere and not following protocol, know him. He is hardly the thief or serial killer and what type of thief would run down the halls?

He bursts into her room, out of breath and sweating, and he sees that her face is full of amusement.

“Someone was worried about me.”

“What, you didn’t think I would be?” he snorts at her, and a smile of relief is gracing his features. “I’m glad that…” you’re not dead, he wants to finish, but he doesn’t think that is the right thing to say.

She smirks at him, and notices that he is feeling kind of awkward, just standing there. (Because she always notices.)

She puckers her lips slightly, and he can’t help but walk over and smirk. He loves when she asks for kisses.

He notices, while kissing her, how she seems to be having a fever, how weak she is, and how thin she is. He notices that after they break apart, she coughs for a couple minutes straight and all he can do is rub her back soothingly while frowning. He wishes that was something he could do, but there is nothing and he knows that he can’t save her. Not even from a coughing fit.

--

He continues to go to class, obviously because he doesn’t want to fail, and of course he gets the call during first period. What a way to start out the morning. Everyone stares at him, and all he can do is stare in shock at his classmates for a moment. And then Key hisses at him that she is waiting, and then all he can hear are words of encouragement and luck as he runs to his car (again). While running, he wonders why his classmates would wish him good luck when it isn’t a situation that calls for luck, but he accepts it all.

He follows his routine of running to his car, speeding to the hospital, and then running to her room. He opens the door, and takes in her appearance. She looks weak, and her eyes are closed. He can hear her labored breathing- it sounds like it hurts her to even breathe.

In an instant, he is by her side, and he takes her hand, trying to get the right words out. “Is it- what did- did they say-”

“This is it.” She breathes out, and her voice is so mangled he can barely understand her. “It’s all over, Taem.” Intangible pain courses throughout his body and he wonders if that is his heart that he hears breaking, or hers. He steps back, letting go of her. He can’t believe this is happening. The time has come; it’s finally here.

He stares at her, and he tells her, “I love you,” with his voice sounding broken and cracked. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I don’t have much of a choice, Taemin.” She manages to say this with a wry smile on her face. She coughs and clutches at her chest, frowning. “I can’t keep this up anymore. I’ve tried to be strong, to live as long as possible, but…”

“But you can’t. You’re tired.” He finishes for her, frowning and looking solemn. “I know, Soojung. I know.”

A shaky hand reaches towards him, and he can’t help but clasp her weak hand in a feeble attempt to keep her grounded to this life she has. “Thanks for everything, Lee Taemin.” Her words are slow, and pained. “Don’t be sad forever. Don’t forget me, but don’t mourn and be miserable forever either.”

“I wish we had forever.” He says, voice cracking and all. “I thought we would have forever.”

She smiles slightly at him, and it seems she will be playful to the end. “Maybe in the next life, Mr. Lee.”

He can’t help but smile back at her, even if panic is overcoming him and he feels like the world is closing in on them. “I’ll look for you then.”

She looks thoughtful, and he can see the life draining from her being. “What if you don’t find me?”

“If you’re there, if you’re around me, I’ll find you.” He promises her, still clasping onto her hand, and he realizes that all he can do is just this much.

She smiles warmly at him, and he knows the tears are coming and, “Maybe we’ll get our forever then.”

“I still wish I could save you.” He tells her this sincerely, and his hand holds hers just a bit tighter.

She nods, as if agreeing with the sentiment, and he can see her getting sleepy. Her eyes are closing, and it is then that the panic within him explodes and his voice rises. “No, Soojung ah, no, don’t leave, no, you can’t leave me. Listen to me, Soojung. This can’t be the end, this isn’t. I love you and I need you and no, no, NO-”

“I love you.” she mumbles, and he kisses her in his panic, hoping that somehow (magically, like in the fairy tales with happy endings), she’ll be able to live just a few days, just a little while longer. She can’t leave him alone, she can’t die on him; she can’t just fade away right in front of his eyes. It is then, at that very moment, that he realizes he is completely incompetent. He can’t save her; he can’t do anything.

“Don’t leave.” he begs. “Please.” He tries again. “I need you.”

There is only silence.

In downright desperation, he finds himself shouting, screaming for a nurse, a doctor, anybody.

People burst in, all nurses and doctors (people that are supposed to be able to save Soojung), and they all run over to Soojung’s bedside.

He watches as they try to bring her back, and he holds her hand; he’s not ready to let go of her just yet. He needs her a lot more than he would care to admit to the world, at least, before this all happened. Now, he couldn’t care less if the whole world knew how much he needs her, because god he needs her.

He chokes out a sob, he can’t help himself, and this is the first time that he is showing such sadness to anyone but her, but he can’t find the will to care because she can’t be gone, she can’t.

“We’re sorry,” a random doctor says in a flat, emotionless voice that really doesn’t sound apologetic. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“There’s nothing we can do.”

That line repeats and repeats until the room starts to fade, things around him start turning black, and the room starts to spin. He doesn’t remember blacking out, but he does remember hearing the heart monitor flat line and her last smile.

And then nothing after that.

--

He wakes up when he feels someone prodding him, and drowsily he asks, “Where am I? Where’s…Soojung?”

“She’s gone.” says in a pained voice, and it is obvious that the speaker is crying. He knows he knows this voice. Mrs. Jung? But she never shows up at the hospital. Why would she be here?

He feels a warm, soft, (and shaking) hand brush his bangs away from his forehead (he wonders who this is. Maybe his noona, if Mrs. Jung is here?) but can’t bother to open his eyes because opening his eyes means facing reality, and no, he is not ready to deal with all the pain and hurt. No. Instead, he drifts off to sleep, hoping that this was all a dream. He pleads and begs in his mind to anyone that will listen to him. Please let it all be a bad dream. She can’t be gone, I can’t live without her. I don’t know how.

“Taemin.” Someone calls out to him, but he disregards the voice and goes back to sleep. I can’t handle this right now.

He dreams of happy endings and promises of forever.

--

They ask him to speak at her funeral, and he feels like flipping a table (and a specific finger) right then and there. It is one of the craziest things he has ever heard. He can barely think about her without tearing and feeling sick to his stomach. How could anyone expect him to openly talk about her? It’s too soon. Take my heart and rip it out, why don’t you? (Except, Soojung has already kind of done that.) He frowns at them and shakes his head. “I love her, but I can’t. Not yet. It is too soon for me.” He doesn’t want to put his full emotions out in the open, not to people he doesn’t know, and definitely not to people that didn’t know her like how he did.

No one knew her like how he did, like how he does, and he can’t imagine speaking about her death so soon.

They nod their heads in understanding, (Jessica even gives him a hug) but Taemin thinks that they don’t really understand. No one does.

As time continues, he finds that his appetite, once healthy, is lost. His smiles are gone and he is almost always in a bad mood.

“I know you’re upset, but you still have to eat.” Key nags at him, food in one hand, and other hand on his hip. Classic Key umma. But Taemin doesn’t care what Key has to say.

“Taemin, Soojung wouldn’t want you to mourn for her.” Minho tells him this with a concerned frown. But Soojung would.

“I know you’re hurting right now, but it will pass, I promise.” Onew tells him this in a soothing voice as he pats his back gently. But he knows it won’t.

“I’m sorry.” someone tells him. He can't bother to figure out who it is. But they’re not.

--

He goes to the funeral, even if he still can’t speak about her. He doesn’t enjoy the fact that no one seems as upset as he is (but he accepts it because she was going to be his wife, no one else’s.)

The whole thing is dark and morbid; it is the exact opposite of her brightness and warmth. He hates it. His eyes start to water, and he hates it because he refuses to place all his emotions on the figurative table; he refuses because no one deserves to know all of him except for Soojung.

“It’s okay to cry.” Sulli tells him. Easy for her to say. She’s already in tears. And she actually is.

She pats him on the back, and he realizes that he doesn’t want her sympathy even if she was Soojung’s best friend. He just wants Soojung back.

It isn’t until this moment that he really becomes aware of how essential and fundamental she was to his life. She completed him; she kept him grounded and sane. With her, he was happy, all smiles and playfulness, but now he is never happy, boring, and sarcastic.

With a frown, he accepts everyone’s sympathies because what else can he do, and he wishes the entire time that Soojung were still alive and here to brighten up his life. He just nods at everyone.

It is too hard to look at her corpse (he can barely think of the word without wanting to throw up), so he just leaves the area and sits outside like a loner (that he now kind of is). The wind is blowing and the sun is shining. Everything is perfectly normal. Everything except the fact that Soojung is not here, sitting with him in his lap, and he is all by himself. He is one half of a whole. He is there but he is also not; not completely, anyway.

He is alone.

--

He doesn’t want to go to the grave. He really doesn’t. But his friends (and hers) insist that he go with them, and he can find no way out of it.

They are trying to treat it like a little picnic with friends for his sake, but all they do is remind him of that one time he went on a picnic date with Soojung. His heart still hurts. She was here, with him, and now she isn’t here anymore.

It is too much. Looking at the grave is too much for him to handle. Her name is carved into stone and it symbolizes so much that he doesn’t want to think about because it hurts too much. Krystal Jung Soojung. He is happy that they did what she would have wanted, because she was fond of her English name even if it was sparsely used, but he doesn’t want to see her grave. It is too much.

Her body is underground. She is laying beneath all this dirt and-

He can’t bring himself to think more about it.

“It’s so damn sad and morbid.” Amber mutters, looking at the grave solemnly. Taemin looks at her, and remembers the times when he and Amber would playfully fight over Soojung. She would always insist that KryBer was better than TaeStal. They can’t do that anymore. She can’t do that anymore.

Someone hits Amber for her comment, and he sees that it is Luna. She is sad, and looks angry at the world. He knows the feeling.

He looks around and sees that everyone looks confused, sad, and upset. He hates that. He really does. But he realizes that this is a meeting of his family and hers, and he almost smiles. But he can't.

He hates that she made them feel this way, that she left them. Although if he were to be truthful, he would say that he is angry because she left him, but he knows that this was something out of their control.

He still remembers asking her “Why can’t I save you?” and almost laughs at his foolishness, but he doesn’t because it hurts him. He still wishes that he could have saved her.

They take their time speaking to her, one at a time, and he dreads when he’ll have to speak. He listens to their words carefully, their sincere words that spoke volumes of how much Soojung meant to them, and he knows that they are heartfelt words.

Sulli calls Soojung “Jjung” and talks like how she always does, but he knows that Soojung will never hear it.

He hears Jonghyun call her his blood sister and babble on about their memories, and he almost smiles.

Victoria calls out to her baby who can no longer answer, and is sitting in a heap on the ground while Luna cries her heart out. She cannot speak.

Amber’s cap is lowered, and he knows she is crying behind it. Minho is solemn and looks like he will burn the world with his fierce gaze. He is affected, hurt, and in pain like the rest of them.

Key, for all his talkativeness, cannot find the right words to say. “Krystal, I miss you.” He can only manage that. He always called her by her English name, and she liked hearing it from him. But now she can no longer hear it.

Onew looks serious, and his face is hard. He reminisces of the times Soojung would come and steal food from him, or the times where she would pester him into playing a video game with her. He can never have her pester him again.

They are all heartfelt in their actions, and yet it is not enough. It is not enough, and it will never be enough.

Nothing will ever be enough. He still wants her back.

After they are done speaking, they clear off to let him have his time to speak.

“I love you.” is the first thing he thinks to say. He says this, even if it is obvious, because he feels like it should still be said. “You were confusing, but bright and warm, and so amazing. I always wondered how I got to be with someone so perfect and beautiful. I still need you because I love you, even if you’re not here anymore. I wish you were still here. I wish you could fulfill your promise of forever.” It is hard to continue talking. “I wish you could come back. I would do anything to have you back. You were supposed to be my wife, and we were supposed to spend our lives together. But maybe in the next life.” I’ll look for you. He can’t say the ending line. It is too much for him.

But on that note, he turns and walks away from her grave. Tears start streaming down, and for once he doesn’t bother to stop them. He doesn’t care who sees. It is too much for him to handle, for him to stop.

--

He doesn’t ever forget her. He can’t. He moves on with life, and it is almost like he is in a trance most of the time.

He can’t forget her because every single memory he has with her is still very much alive in his mind, and it hurts so much that she’s not here anymore; sometimes he cries because he wants to forget. Remembering hurts too much.

But he can’t forget, and won’t, because true to his words, anyone that has met Krystal could never really forget her. He remembers how she asked him to live a full life, and to move on eventually.

He finds that he can’t do that. It is difficult living without her, living with only her memory. She was the center of his life, his brightness and warmth. Somehow though, he barely manages, if only to wait for the time he can go peacefully and find her. He is hopeful that they’ll get their forever a second time around.

--

Why couldn’t I save you?

--end.

*also posted on asianfanfics under iheartsoojung