hope for the best (and do what you can); (Woohyun/Sungyeol)
Title: hope for the best (and do what you can)
Pairing(s): Woohyun/Sungyeol, hinted!Myungsoo/Sungjong
Summary: Woohyun is dying, but Sungyeol is pretty sure he has the cure.
No one works hard like how Woohyun works hard.
It’s common knowledge- or should be, in Sungyeol’s opinion.
Nam Woohyun is someone who works himself until he can’t possibly work himself anymore. He is someone obsessed with his image, of being the epitome of the perfect idol. He cares too much, loves too hard. And that’s why absolutely no one works hard like how Woohyun works hard.
-
Sungyeol can barely count on his fingers how many times he has seen Woohyun pass out in exhaustion. It is no welcome sight, but it isn’t out of the ordinary either. Which means Sungyeol is running out of fingers.
If this persists then he’ll have to move to using his toes to keep track as well.
He really doesn’t want to have to use his toes.
-
The thing with Woohyun and Sungyeol is that Woohyun has always mattered too much to Sungyeol. It kind of sucks.
Because while every member of INFINITE has an important place in Sungyeol’s heart, Woohyun matters especially. After all, it’s not like he’s in love with all of them (although he may love all of them). He’s just in love with Woohyun.
-
Sungyeol still remembers it clearly.
It had been a tiring day for all of them, he’s sure. The seven of them were getting ready to debut, to wow the world with their crooning voices and dancing prowess. That day was the day before their official debut; they spent that day in their practice room, getting ready to show the world the name “INFINITE”.
Each and every single member was a bundle of nerves, ready and raring to go, but nervous and afraid to fail. Undoubtedly, they were all excited. But they were tired too, having been worked to the bone. The lack of sleep and eating probably didn’t help matters any.
But even still, there was one member who wouldn’t stop, not even when he was told.
Sunggyu had given them the okay for a ten minute break, walking out to discuss the schedule for tomorrow with a manager. That gave the other six members of INFINITE ten minutes for freedom.
Sungjong immediately hit the floor, with Howon slumping in a chair near him. Dongwoo had escaped for some fresh air and Myungsoo was already who knows where.
And Sungyeol was just about to follow their maknae’s example when he realized- “Hey, why are you still dancing?” His question was directed to Woohyun as he stared at the main vocal incredulously. How stupid. Sungyeol decided the fool was dehydrated or something, making him act stupid. They were given break time, why wasn’t Woohyun making use of it?
Woohyun either ignored his question or didn’t hear it. Sungyeol decided that wouldn’t do, so he handed Woohyun a water bottle and a towel- out of the goodness of his heart, mind you. He didn’t have to do that. All he really wanted to do was curl up on the floor and take a nap. “We can rest now.”
Woohyun was simple in his response back then. Maybe that’s why Sungyeol still remembers the moment so well. He had only said, “I’m not ready to stop.” He had taken the water bottle and towel gratefully, but didn’t make use of either item. “I’ll never be ready to stop.” Woohyun didn’t say anything more than that. He just continued practicing, singing until his throat was almost hoarse and dancing until his body wanted to give up on him.
It’s the first glimpse Sungyeol gets of this side of Woohyun- yes, sure, he had seen the hardworking side of Woohyun before. But Sungyeol suddenly saw all the passion, all the hard work, all the determination in Woohyun’s eyes. And with seeing that glimpse, with seeing those eyes, Sungyeol had fallen in love with the person who cares too much and loves too hard.
He fell in love with Woohyun before he realized that he had stumbled.
-
To his own credit, Sungyeol realizes what has happened pretty quickly.
It takes him three weeks.
M!Countdown is the place where it happens- Sungyeol blames the magic that is dry rehearsal. He will always blame the magic that is dry rehearsal.
Because they had rehearsing for their live performance later that night. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. They have done this so many times Sungyeol bets they could all dance to ‘Come Back Again’ in their sleep.
But then Woohyun steps out a little to deliver his line and nothing is really the same after that. Even during rehearsal, Woohyun gives it his all and he’s moving like this practice is the real thing and-
Suddenly Woohyun is attractive to him in a way that he wasn’t before and- what the fuck is this feeling. He feels tingly, like his soul is being tickled. Or sick, like he is about to throw up. Or an awkward mix of both. Sungyeol’s not completely sure yet. So he contemplates for about thirty seconds, staring intently at a Nam Woohyun singing his heart out.
Sungyeol goes “oh” in his mind and then- well, he doesn’t have much time to mull over the revelation. He is forced to snap out of it because someone is snapping an irritated, “Why aren’t you dancing?” at him. Sungyeol blinks in surprise and suddenly he remembers where he is, who is talking to him. That’s Sunggyu. His leader. Who looks just about ready to eat him. (In the bad way.)
So Sungyeol grins sheepishly and shuffles back to position, bowing to all his bandmates and the M!Countdown staff. He wonders when he even stopped dancing. They start the music back up again and that’s it.
There is no fanfare and no fireworks. It’s just a moment of clarity.
Sungyeol doesn’t make a big deal out of it, doesn’t change the way he acts, doesn’t henceforth dramaticize every moment he has with Nam Woohyun.
Because at the end of the day, Woohyun is still just Woohyun.
-
Woohyun is talented. Lee Sungyeol can swear on this- Nam Woohyun is a talented fucker.
He has always had a lovely voice, with singing being his passion and talent. But he has worked hard for it, has branched out, has turned from a “dance idiot” to a rather capable dancer.
Sungyeol has watched Woohyun pour hours upon hours of practice into himself, honing his skills and expanding his talents. Night after night, practice after practice.
Those are the nights when something in Sungyeol aches. His heart, maybe. His soul, even. He’s not sure.
-
Sungyeol aches a lot more than he would like to admit.
-
On nights before comeback promotions, Woohyun has a horrible habit of never getting to fall asleep on a soft surface.
Woohyun is making use of that habit right now.
And Sungyeol hates that habit. They have a lot of soft surfaces, why does Woohyun always choose the floor? Is he stupid? Does he have something against cushioning? So Sungyeol decides he has to do something about it. Usually, it’s slapping him awake or throwing a pillow to him.
But on this specific night, three nights before official promotions start up again, after seeing Woohyun exhaust himself completely for the last fifteen hours, Sungyeol decides to take a different approach. He prods Woohyun lightly with a foot. No response. He prods a little harder. Still nothing. So Sungyeol sighs and latches onto Woohyun’s ankles.
Woohyun wakes up to Sungyeol dragging him across the floor and towards the couch.
“What are you doing?” Woohyun grumbles, eyes bleary and voice thick with sleep. He’s too tired to fight the dragging.
“Getting you to safety.”
Woohyun lets himself be dragged.
-
Woohyun can take care of himself. Sungyeol knows this.
But sometimes, Woohyun chooses not to. For whatever reasons, he chooses to forego safety and health.
It’s okay though. When Woohyun can’t take care of himself- Sungyeol will take care of him instead.
Because all Sungyeol does with Woohyun is care.
-
Whenever Woohyun tells him things like “thank you for making sure I got to the couch last night,” or “how do you always manage to get me a water bottle when I need one,” or even, “sleep well, Sungyeol,”- these types of things make Sungyeol want to crawl into a bed (his bed? Maybe Woohyun’s?) and hide.
It’s the little things that get to him, Sungyeol thinks.
Because it’s in the little things that he shows his love for Woohyun.
(He just wonders when the older boy will figure that bit out.)
-
Sungyeol walks out of his room only to find Woohyun almost out of the house. He assesses the situation quickly, noting Woohyun’s athletic wear and the gallon of water he’s holding. “Didn’t you go the gym already?” He’s pretty sure Woohyun went in the morning. Like 99.7% sure Woohyun went in the morning. That’s how sure he is.
Woohyun turns at the question, hand on the doorknob. He grins and tells Sungyeol, “We’re coming back in two days. I need to look it.” He’s out the door with a gym bag slung over his shoulder before Sungyeol can say something sassy with thinly veiled concern.
Maybe Sungyeol’s not thinking clearly. Maybe Woohyun didn’t already go this morning. He needs clarification. Within moments of padding around the dorm, he finds Sungjong reading a book on the couch. Myungsoo is curled in his lap, asleep. Sungyeol can’t help but roll his eyes at the cuteness.
Sungyeol wrinkles his nose and resists the urge to back away and pretend like he’s not interrupting anything. He’s on a mission, after all. “Sungjong ah, didn’t Woohyun go to the gym this morning?”
Sungjong looks up from his book in confusion. Myungsoo doesn’t stir at all. “Woohyun hyung went in the morning?” Sungjong purses his lips in a harsh line, surprised. “He skipped dinner earlier to go.”
Sungyeol can’t help staring back at the maknae owlishly in irritated disbelief. He went in the morning, and then at dinner time, and is on his merry way to the gym right this damn moment.
Who goes to the gym that much. (Nam fucking Woohyun, that’s who.)
Sungjong and Sungyeol share a look and they can only sigh.
Sungyeol knows this needs to stop.
-
It’s his heart that aches. Definitely his heart.
-
INFINITE is having their comeback in two days. And Sungyeol needs his sleep.
Sungyeol is a light sleeper. He knows this. INFINITE knows this. Everyone knows this. So wonders who is the fucker that is making so much noise in the kitchen tonight. He’s not surprised at who he sees. “I thought I was the one addicted to coffee,” he deadpans.
“I need to stay up,” is Woohyun’s offered reason.
Sungyeol must draw the line. This all needs to stop eventually. “For what?” He is ready to stop all this nonsense.
But when Woohyun hands him a cup of coffee and invites him to sit on the couch, he decides that the time is not now. “I was studying scripts for our next variety show. Want to join me?”
Now- now, Woohyun needs a friend. “Like you wouldn’t believe,” Sungyeol’s tone is sarcastic, but he walks over anyway.
Sungyeol squishes next to Woohyun and keeps him company until the slightly older man drops a heavy head
onto his shoulder.
-
Woohyun is, quite arguably, the cutest in front of the fans. He is all fanservice and grease and aegyo in front of them- in front of the people he works so hard for, in front of the people who matter so much. The love he has for them is boundless and anyone would be a fool to say he doesn’t appreciate his fans. His fans are why he does so many of the things he does, what keeps him going when things get hard.
“Why do you act like that all the time?” Sungyeol is curious, but he thinks he has an inkling. He just wants to know what Woohyun is thinking.
Woohyun can only shrug. “Because I need to.” He feels like he needs to, like there are all these expectations to meet and surpass.
Sungyeol disagrees. “You don’t need to.” He’s serious.
Woohyun doesn’t say a word in response. Whether he can’t or doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t.
His silence screams so many things.
-
Sungyeol, on the contrary, would insist that Woohyun is the cutest while sleeping without a care. He would insist that he’s the cutest when he’s content and happy, when he’s not stressing out and worrying about things that he shouldn’t have to worry about.
It will be weeks until Sungyeol sees the cutest side of Woohyun. It won’t be until promotions are over and done with, he’s sure. (And maybe he’s a fool to hope, but he wishes for that side to come back soon.)
-
It is their comeback day and everything is a fucking whirlwind. They had last minute practice the night before, with the the last minute fansigning having cut into their practice time; sleep only came to them at three in the morning. For some, at four. And others, not at all.
But that doesn’t really matter.
Because at five in the morning, all of INFINITE is up again, forced to be ready to go. They have to go to the salon and make it in time for the dry rehearsals and then have to actually perform in the evening.
Woohyun winces in pain and holds his stomach but he says nothing. Sungyeol wonders how many meals he has eaten that day. Probably not many, seeing as how they’ve been rushed here and there all day. He, himself, hasn’t had much food- but he has made sure to eat, at least. Sungyeol tries to remember their chaotic morning, with everyone struggling to find breakfast in the morning. He remembers the little bit of toast he had stolen from Dongwoo, the piece of bread Myungsoo had shared with Sungjong, and the takeout Sunggyu had managed to get a hold on for all of them during the car ride.
But he can’t recall Woohyun eating anything.
-
Body image is important to an idol, Sungyeol supposes.
Okay, it’s really important.
But eating is important too. And right now, all Sungyeol wants to do is punch Woohyun in the face because- well, lets face it, Woohyun needs one.
-
Sungyeol isn’t foolish, he knows why Woohyun acts the way he does.
As an idol, there is pressure upon pressure stacked onto criticism in the cutthroat world of entertainment; there are certain expectations one has to meet.
Talent, personality, looks, image. There are standards and they have to be met. Impossible standards.
Woohyun just tries a little too hard to meet those standards. He’ll feel like he’s not enough if he doesn’t meet them.
But what Woohyun doesn’t know, and what Sungyeol wants to tell him, is that he’s always been enough.
-
When Woohyun ends up throwing up, expelling only saliva and water- all that his stomach has to offer- something in Sungyeol snaps. Something about seeing Woohyun hunched over and in pain, clutching his stomach sends him over the edge.
Because Woohyun is making his heart hurt. The aching, he can handle. But not this type of hurt.
-
Sungyeol knows that Woohyun needs something; he needs a slap in the face, he needs to face reality, he needs to see what he’s doing to himself and he needs to stop. He needs all of this. Sungyeol knows this so well.
So Sungyeol does what he can.
-
INFINITE comes home from their busy schedule, quiet and uneasy.
Everyone has some sort of grimace or frown on their face, wearily watching Woohyun as he blatantly ignores all their gazes. They all watched him hunched over and in pain a mere two hours ago. They are all ready to never see that again.
“I’m going to bed,” Woohyun announces, waiting for no one. He’s not in the mood. Not when they’re looking at him like he’s going to faint any second.
No one moves until Woohyun slams the door.
Dongwoo sighs in a rather heartbroken sounding way and moves to the kitchen. He has a plate of pasta in the microwave in less than thirty seconds.
Sungyeol asks the silly question. “We had pasta in the fridge?” Howon quirks a smile when Sunggyu snorts.
The building tension chips a little; at the very least, it’s chipped enough so that Myungsoo feels comfortable saying, “I never want to see Woohyun hyung like that again,” He’s grumbling, irritated out of fear and concern. There’s a chorus of agreement and sighs and little mutterings.
The microwave beeps and Sunggyu gets the honors of getting the food out. “Sungjong,” Sunggyu starts. He’s holding out a plate of food and the order is obvious. Sungjong doesn’t argue. He’d complain, usually, but can’t find it himself to even try to pretend.
“I’ll take it to him,” Sungyeol offers, walking up to Sunggyu instead. The leader gives him a grateful smile, handing him the plate of food.
Sungjong gives him a curious look, pursing his lips. “If you want to,” he shrugs. The curious look doesn’t leave Sungjong’s face.
Sungyeol wants to.
-
When Sungyeol opens the door to Woohyun’s room, Woohyun is standing in the middle of the room, doing nothing. Just standing there. He’s facing the direction of the door, so he watches as Sungyeol walks in.
“Delivery,” he chirps this unnecessarily.
“I don’t want it,” Woohyun scowls. His arms are crossed and he suddenly looks defensive as he stares down his bandmate. Sungyeol knows Woohyun is tired. He is so tired.
Sungyeol can see it in the way he moves, the way he talks, the way he fucking breathes. Sungyeol can’t take this type of hurt anymore. He acts without thinking, putting the plate down on a nearby table and moving in so close to Woohyun that they are merely inches apart. “Are you stupid?” he blurts. Not the best line opener, but eloquence is not of importance.
Woohyun stares back so hard at the suddenly up close and personal Sungyeol that he gets cross-eyed. Sungyeol’s anger stomps down the need to laugh at a sight that would undoubtedly have him giggling at another point in time.
“What are you talking about?” Woohyun scoffs, taking a step back.
“You’re tired.” Sungyeol takes one step forward.
“No I’m not.” Woohyun takes another step back, glaring at him like they are in some romantic teen drama.
Woohyun is just stupid, Sungyeol thinks. So, so stupid.
And Sungyeol’s about to do something stupid, so he supposes that they’re just about even. (Skewed logic is still logic, so whatever.)
Because throughout this all, Sungyeol is still very much in love with Woohyun.
And because he is still very much in love with Woohyun, he can’t help himself. Sungyeol is impulsive on most days and mildly spontaneous by nature. But being this close to Woohyun, being this angry, being this hurt, having his heart constantly aching- “I’m going to need to do this,” he blurts.
“Do wh-”
He kisses Woohyun.
It’s an angry kiss, one filled with irritation and fear and just so much care. He puts into it every feeling of love he has for this person who is hurting himself. He puts into it every feeling of frustration he has over Woohyun, every ounce of furious affection he has for him. He kisses him hard, like this is the last thing he’ll ever get to do with the other man.
The only reason he stops kissing Woohyun is because Woohyun still needs that reality check. “You’re ruining yourself.” Sungyeol’s words are coming out in harsh whispers and he’s still really close to Woohyun but he can’t find it in himself to give a fuck right now because Woohyun needs to hear these words right this damn minute. That, and being this close to Woohyun is making him feel lightheaded. So he can’t really think straight anyway- who needs a word filter? “You’re being stupid and hurting yourself for our stupid idol standards and you need to not make anyone feel like their heart is about to break as you work and starve yourself.”
Woohyun has been still this whole exchange, not knowing what to do or how to react. But the words suddenly click and now he’s angry. “Fuck off,” Woohyun hisses, finally pushing Sungyeol away. Sungyeol can see a little spit in the corner of Woohyun’s mouth and despite himself, he feels kind of proud. “I don’t need your concern.” It takes about fifteen seconds- Woohyun pushing Sungyeol out of the room and closing the door with a slam.
Woohyun pushed him onto his butt. Sungyeol can only sit there, petulant. “At least eat the food, okay?”
-
The conversation he had with Woohyun doesn’t give the desired results. If anything, it spurs the main vocal to work even harder and exhaust him further- which really isn’t what Sungyeol wanted.
On top of all of that, Woohyun starts ignoring him. Blatantly and in a rather dick fashion.
But that may or may not be because Sungyeol kissed him. Granted, that may not have been the best course of action in the moment. But it was in the heat of the moment and it was all he could think about.
It’s not like he regrets it, in any case.
-
“Are we really not going to talk about-”
Woohyun slams the door in his face.
-
During their next practice, Woohyun collapses the moment the music turns off.
As a result, Sungyeol starts using his toes.
-
“So.” Sungyeol is still trying to talk to Woohyun. This is the fifth try in three days.
Woohyun leaves before Sungyeol can say anything else.
Well then.
-
If Woohyun doesn’t want to talk, Sungyeol will make him. Sure, he doesn’t have anything close to a definitive plan, nor does he have any leverage on the situation that would make Woohyun willing to converse with him.
But like with everything else, Sungyeol hopes for the best and will do what he can.
Because things are changed and people are moved when care and love are involved.
And who cares more about Woohyun than Sungyeol?
-
It doesn’t take very long for the members to realize that Woohyun is ignoring Sungyeol.
They inquire about what happened to make Woohyun ignore him, but he only laughs, refusing to spill the details. “He’ll come around,” is all Sungyeol says. He hopes, at least. They all give him varying stares of disbelief, but only one member gives him advice.
“Just lock yourself in a room with him.” Sungjong is serious. “I’ll help you,” the maknae even graciously offers. He smiles cheerfully and Sungyeol can’t help but think about how completely devious Sungjong looks in that moment. In that moment, he feels concern for Myungsoo. “How does he survive you?”
Sungjong only laughs.
-
Woohyun’s room is always locked when he’s inside. He can’t risk having Sungyeol walk in, after all. As such, he would never open the door for Sungyeol to talk to him one-on-one.
So getting Sungyeol into the room falls to Sungjong. "Woohyun hyung!" he pounds on the door, sounding urgent. "I need your help!" Sungjong never needs help (with their maknae being very independent and capable), so Woohyun should have known he was walking into a trap. Sungyeol has no sympathy. The moment the door opens a crack. Sungjong pushes the door open, shoves Sungyeol in, and then slams the door closed so fast Sungyeol yelps.
Their seven foot bookshelf is against the door in under twenty seconds.
Woohyun is left staring blankly at the intruder.
“You’re going to have to talk to me sooner or later,” Sungyeol shrugs.
Woohyun wants it to be later. Much later. So much later that it seems like never.
He walks over to the door and opens it, only to see that they have been entirely closed off. "The bookshelf?" Sungyeol whistles. He is mildly impressed. (Woohyun is too.)
Woohyun gives up on escape because even though he knows he could probably tip the bookshelf over- cleaning and rearranging all of that seems like more of a punishment than talking to Sungyeol. So Woohyun goes with the lesser evil. He turns to look at Sungyeol, giving him the flattest look he can manage.
Sungyeol figures that is his cue to start talking.
“Sorry for kissing you,” Sungyeol offers. “Well, I’m not really sorry about that,” he amends, taking only a second to think it through. “Figured you would want an apology for that though.”
It is a statement that is so pure heartedly Sungyeol that it cracks through a little bit of Woohyun’s defense and makes Woohyun snicker. Sorry not sorry is pretty much what Sungyeol had just done- and he is rewarded for it. The words have brought a slight smile to Woohyun’s lips. It is a sight Sungyeol hasn’t seen in a while. He has missed it.
The tension they hadn’t even realized was building is hence broken, leaving Woohyun to sigh heavily before asking, “What do you want from me?” He’s more willing to converse now that he’s reminded- it’s still just Sungyeol. Sungyeol is Sungyeol. Regardless of whatever curse words or kisses. He’s still Sungyeol.
“For you to stop killing yourself would be nice,” Sungyeol muses. His tone is light but his words are anything but. Woohyun can only scoff.
“I’m not killing myself,” Woohyun retorts. He immediately knows what Sungyeol is getting at. “A little hard work never killed anyone.”
“No, but a lot of hard work can do wonders to the body,” Sungyeol snarks back, biting. His lighthearted tone is gone. “I’m just- I’m asking you to try. To do something- to do what you can,” he hisses. “Because what you’re doing now- you can do so much better good for yourself.” There’s no going back now that this conversation has started. Sungyeol hopes for the best.
Because this is the breaking point.
More specifically, this is Woohyun’s breaking point.
“What, you expect me to agree and then suddenly be okay with-” not trying to be perfect? Woohyun stops mid-sentence, sputtering before picking back up again. It’s a little too early to be throwing that sentence around. “You expect me to suddenly not need to uphold everyone’s expectations of me, of what I should be?” Woohyun sounds borderline hysteric; he’s angry, seething almost. This is not a conversation he wants, but not a conversation he can check himself out of. The truth is spilling out whether Woohyun wants it to or not.
“I didn’t say that,” Sungyeol starts. “But that sounds great, actually.” It really does. “Because in trying to live up to some glorified image of what an idol should be, you’re working yourself to the bone. Your body begs you for rest, for a little peace, but you don’t listen. And you work harder than the rest of us, you work harder than anyone I know and that’s great and all, says a lot about you- and it also says a lot about your health. And how you don’t care how much it has deteriorated from not eating properly, from lack of sleep, from miscare.”
Sungyeol didn’t realize when, but he started talking angrily as well. “And it also says a lot about how you don’t care about the rest of us- or our opinions at least. Because we call care-,” Woohyun opens his mouth to let out what Sungyeol knows will be a self-deprecating remark, but he’s not in the mood for any of that so he lets out a quick, “No, fuck you, you know we care.” And care they do. “And we love that you love INFINITE with all your heart, but we also care about your wellbeing.”
Sungyeol’s not done. “Oh- oh and here’s a piece of advice. Stop trying so hard to to act a certain way because you are perfectly fine the way you are,” he sniffs. Probably should have started with that bit, but it’s too late now. “Just- take my word for it, okay. Stop trying to kill yourself.”
Pretty words, Woohyun thinks. In theory, it sounds nice and optimistic and easy. But in actual practice- “There’s no magic cure,” Woohyun scoffs. He’s pessimistic and sounds rather angry and more than a little broken. “I can’t stop what I’ve been living as for the past however many years.”
“No cure?” Sungyeol repeats, sounding almost thoughtful. He figures that it would be rather idiotic wishful thinking that Woohyun suddenly stop all his self-harming and destructive habits. He’ll need time and support- both in copious amounts. So no- Sungyeol knows as well as Woohyun that there is no quick fix. But he thinks he knows where to start. “You’re looking at one.”
-
Sungyeol hopes for the best and does what he can for Woohyun.
And in time, that will be enough.
-end.
Pairing(s): Woohyun/Sungyeol, hinted!Myungsoo/Sungjong
Summary: Woohyun is dying, but Sungyeol is pretty sure he has the cure.
No one works hard like how Woohyun works hard.
It’s common knowledge- or should be, in Sungyeol’s opinion.
Nam Woohyun is someone who works himself until he can’t possibly work himself anymore. He is someone obsessed with his image, of being the epitome of the perfect idol. He cares too much, loves too hard. And that’s why absolutely no one works hard like how Woohyun works hard.
-
Sungyeol can barely count on his fingers how many times he has seen Woohyun pass out in exhaustion. It is no welcome sight, but it isn’t out of the ordinary either. Which means Sungyeol is running out of fingers.
If this persists then he’ll have to move to using his toes to keep track as well.
He really doesn’t want to have to use his toes.
-
The thing with Woohyun and Sungyeol is that Woohyun has always mattered too much to Sungyeol. It kind of sucks.
Because while every member of INFINITE has an important place in Sungyeol’s heart, Woohyun matters especially. After all, it’s not like he’s in love with all of them (although he may love all of them). He’s just in love with Woohyun.
-
Sungyeol still remembers it clearly.
It had been a tiring day for all of them, he’s sure. The seven of them were getting ready to debut, to wow the world with their crooning voices and dancing prowess. That day was the day before their official debut; they spent that day in their practice room, getting ready to show the world the name “INFINITE”.
Each and every single member was a bundle of nerves, ready and raring to go, but nervous and afraid to fail. Undoubtedly, they were all excited. But they were tired too, having been worked to the bone. The lack of sleep and eating probably didn’t help matters any.
But even still, there was one member who wouldn’t stop, not even when he was told.
Sunggyu had given them the okay for a ten minute break, walking out to discuss the schedule for tomorrow with a manager. That gave the other six members of INFINITE ten minutes for freedom.
Sungjong immediately hit the floor, with Howon slumping in a chair near him. Dongwoo had escaped for some fresh air and Myungsoo was already who knows where.
And Sungyeol was just about to follow their maknae’s example when he realized- “Hey, why are you still dancing?” His question was directed to Woohyun as he stared at the main vocal incredulously. How stupid. Sungyeol decided the fool was dehydrated or something, making him act stupid. They were given break time, why wasn’t Woohyun making use of it?
Woohyun either ignored his question or didn’t hear it. Sungyeol decided that wouldn’t do, so he handed Woohyun a water bottle and a towel- out of the goodness of his heart, mind you. He didn’t have to do that. All he really wanted to do was curl up on the floor and take a nap. “We can rest now.”
Woohyun was simple in his response back then. Maybe that’s why Sungyeol still remembers the moment so well. He had only said, “I’m not ready to stop.” He had taken the water bottle and towel gratefully, but didn’t make use of either item. “I’ll never be ready to stop.” Woohyun didn’t say anything more than that. He just continued practicing, singing until his throat was almost hoarse and dancing until his body wanted to give up on him.
It’s the first glimpse Sungyeol gets of this side of Woohyun- yes, sure, he had seen the hardworking side of Woohyun before. But Sungyeol suddenly saw all the passion, all the hard work, all the determination in Woohyun’s eyes. And with seeing that glimpse, with seeing those eyes, Sungyeol had fallen in love with the person who cares too much and loves too hard.
He fell in love with Woohyun before he realized that he had stumbled.
-
To his own credit, Sungyeol realizes what has happened pretty quickly.
It takes him three weeks.
M!Countdown is the place where it happens- Sungyeol blames the magic that is dry rehearsal. He will always blame the magic that is dry rehearsal.
Because they had rehearsing for their live performance later that night. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. They have done this so many times Sungyeol bets they could all dance to ‘Come Back Again’ in their sleep.
But then Woohyun steps out a little to deliver his line and nothing is really the same after that. Even during rehearsal, Woohyun gives it his all and he’s moving like this practice is the real thing and-
Suddenly Woohyun is attractive to him in a way that he wasn’t before and- what the fuck is this feeling. He feels tingly, like his soul is being tickled. Or sick, like he is about to throw up. Or an awkward mix of both. Sungyeol’s not completely sure yet. So he contemplates for about thirty seconds, staring intently at a Nam Woohyun singing his heart out.
Sungyeol goes “oh” in his mind and then- well, he doesn’t have much time to mull over the revelation. He is forced to snap out of it because someone is snapping an irritated, “Why aren’t you dancing?” at him. Sungyeol blinks in surprise and suddenly he remembers where he is, who is talking to him. That’s Sunggyu. His leader. Who looks just about ready to eat him. (In the bad way.)
So Sungyeol grins sheepishly and shuffles back to position, bowing to all his bandmates and the M!Countdown staff. He wonders when he even stopped dancing. They start the music back up again and that’s it.
There is no fanfare and no fireworks. It’s just a moment of clarity.
Sungyeol doesn’t make a big deal out of it, doesn’t change the way he acts, doesn’t henceforth dramaticize every moment he has with Nam Woohyun.
Because at the end of the day, Woohyun is still just Woohyun.
-
Woohyun is talented. Lee Sungyeol can swear on this- Nam Woohyun is a talented fucker.
He has always had a lovely voice, with singing being his passion and talent. But he has worked hard for it, has branched out, has turned from a “dance idiot” to a rather capable dancer.
Sungyeol has watched Woohyun pour hours upon hours of practice into himself, honing his skills and expanding his talents. Night after night, practice after practice.
Those are the nights when something in Sungyeol aches. His heart, maybe. His soul, even. He’s not sure.
-
Sungyeol aches a lot more than he would like to admit.
-
On nights before comeback promotions, Woohyun has a horrible habit of never getting to fall asleep on a soft surface.
Woohyun is making use of that habit right now.
And Sungyeol hates that habit. They have a lot of soft surfaces, why does Woohyun always choose the floor? Is he stupid? Does he have something against cushioning? So Sungyeol decides he has to do something about it. Usually, it’s slapping him awake or throwing a pillow to him.
But on this specific night, three nights before official promotions start up again, after seeing Woohyun exhaust himself completely for the last fifteen hours, Sungyeol decides to take a different approach. He prods Woohyun lightly with a foot. No response. He prods a little harder. Still nothing. So Sungyeol sighs and latches onto Woohyun’s ankles.
Woohyun wakes up to Sungyeol dragging him across the floor and towards the couch.
“What are you doing?” Woohyun grumbles, eyes bleary and voice thick with sleep. He’s too tired to fight the dragging.
“Getting you to safety.”
Woohyun lets himself be dragged.
-
Woohyun can take care of himself. Sungyeol knows this.
But sometimes, Woohyun chooses not to. For whatever reasons, he chooses to forego safety and health.
It’s okay though. When Woohyun can’t take care of himself- Sungyeol will take care of him instead.
Because all Sungyeol does with Woohyun is care.
-
Whenever Woohyun tells him things like “thank you for making sure I got to the couch last night,” or “how do you always manage to get me a water bottle when I need one,” or even, “sleep well, Sungyeol,”- these types of things make Sungyeol want to crawl into a bed (his bed? Maybe Woohyun’s?) and hide.
It’s the little things that get to him, Sungyeol thinks.
Because it’s in the little things that he shows his love for Woohyun.
(He just wonders when the older boy will figure that bit out.)
-
Sungyeol walks out of his room only to find Woohyun almost out of the house. He assesses the situation quickly, noting Woohyun’s athletic wear and the gallon of water he’s holding. “Didn’t you go the gym already?” He’s pretty sure Woohyun went in the morning. Like 99.7% sure Woohyun went in the morning. That’s how sure he is.
Woohyun turns at the question, hand on the doorknob. He grins and tells Sungyeol, “We’re coming back in two days. I need to look it.” He’s out the door with a gym bag slung over his shoulder before Sungyeol can say something sassy with thinly veiled concern.
Maybe Sungyeol’s not thinking clearly. Maybe Woohyun didn’t already go this morning. He needs clarification. Within moments of padding around the dorm, he finds Sungjong reading a book on the couch. Myungsoo is curled in his lap, asleep. Sungyeol can’t help but roll his eyes at the cuteness.
Sungyeol wrinkles his nose and resists the urge to back away and pretend like he’s not interrupting anything. He’s on a mission, after all. “Sungjong ah, didn’t Woohyun go to the gym this morning?”
Sungjong looks up from his book in confusion. Myungsoo doesn’t stir at all. “Woohyun hyung went in the morning?” Sungjong purses his lips in a harsh line, surprised. “He skipped dinner earlier to go.”
Sungyeol can’t help staring back at the maknae owlishly in irritated disbelief. He went in the morning, and then at dinner time, and is on his merry way to the gym right this damn moment.
Who goes to the gym that much. (Nam fucking Woohyun, that’s who.)
Sungjong and Sungyeol share a look and they can only sigh.
Sungyeol knows this needs to stop.
-
It’s his heart that aches. Definitely his heart.
-
INFINITE is having their comeback in two days. And Sungyeol needs his sleep.
Sungyeol is a light sleeper. He knows this. INFINITE knows this. Everyone knows this. So wonders who is the fucker that is making so much noise in the kitchen tonight. He’s not surprised at who he sees. “I thought I was the one addicted to coffee,” he deadpans.
“I need to stay up,” is Woohyun’s offered reason.
Sungyeol must draw the line. This all needs to stop eventually. “For what?” He is ready to stop all this nonsense.
But when Woohyun hands him a cup of coffee and invites him to sit on the couch, he decides that the time is not now. “I was studying scripts for our next variety show. Want to join me?”
Now- now, Woohyun needs a friend. “Like you wouldn’t believe,” Sungyeol’s tone is sarcastic, but he walks over anyway.
Sungyeol squishes next to Woohyun and keeps him company until the slightly older man drops a heavy head
onto his shoulder.
-
Woohyun is, quite arguably, the cutest in front of the fans. He is all fanservice and grease and aegyo in front of them- in front of the people he works so hard for, in front of the people who matter so much. The love he has for them is boundless and anyone would be a fool to say he doesn’t appreciate his fans. His fans are why he does so many of the things he does, what keeps him going when things get hard.
“Why do you act like that all the time?” Sungyeol is curious, but he thinks he has an inkling. He just wants to know what Woohyun is thinking.
Woohyun can only shrug. “Because I need to.” He feels like he needs to, like there are all these expectations to meet and surpass.
Sungyeol disagrees. “You don’t need to.” He’s serious.
Woohyun doesn’t say a word in response. Whether he can’t or doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t.
His silence screams so many things.
-
Sungyeol, on the contrary, would insist that Woohyun is the cutest while sleeping without a care. He would insist that he’s the cutest when he’s content and happy, when he’s not stressing out and worrying about things that he shouldn’t have to worry about.
It will be weeks until Sungyeol sees the cutest side of Woohyun. It won’t be until promotions are over and done with, he’s sure. (And maybe he’s a fool to hope, but he wishes for that side to come back soon.)
-
It is their comeback day and everything is a fucking whirlwind. They had last minute practice the night before, with the the last minute fansigning having cut into their practice time; sleep only came to them at three in the morning. For some, at four. And others, not at all.
But that doesn’t really matter.
Because at five in the morning, all of INFINITE is up again, forced to be ready to go. They have to go to the salon and make it in time for the dry rehearsals and then have to actually perform in the evening.
Woohyun winces in pain and holds his stomach but he says nothing. Sungyeol wonders how many meals he has eaten that day. Probably not many, seeing as how they’ve been rushed here and there all day. He, himself, hasn’t had much food- but he has made sure to eat, at least. Sungyeol tries to remember their chaotic morning, with everyone struggling to find breakfast in the morning. He remembers the little bit of toast he had stolen from Dongwoo, the piece of bread Myungsoo had shared with Sungjong, and the takeout Sunggyu had managed to get a hold on for all of them during the car ride.
But he can’t recall Woohyun eating anything.
-
Body image is important to an idol, Sungyeol supposes.
Okay, it’s really important.
But eating is important too. And right now, all Sungyeol wants to do is punch Woohyun in the face because- well, lets face it, Woohyun needs one.
-
Sungyeol isn’t foolish, he knows why Woohyun acts the way he does.
As an idol, there is pressure upon pressure stacked onto criticism in the cutthroat world of entertainment; there are certain expectations one has to meet.
Talent, personality, looks, image. There are standards and they have to be met. Impossible standards.
Woohyun just tries a little too hard to meet those standards. He’ll feel like he’s not enough if he doesn’t meet them.
But what Woohyun doesn’t know, and what Sungyeol wants to tell him, is that he’s always been enough.
-
When Woohyun ends up throwing up, expelling only saliva and water- all that his stomach has to offer- something in Sungyeol snaps. Something about seeing Woohyun hunched over and in pain, clutching his stomach sends him over the edge.
Because Woohyun is making his heart hurt. The aching, he can handle. But not this type of hurt.
-
Sungyeol knows that Woohyun needs something; he needs a slap in the face, he needs to face reality, he needs to see what he’s doing to himself and he needs to stop. He needs all of this. Sungyeol knows this so well.
So Sungyeol does what he can.
-
INFINITE comes home from their busy schedule, quiet and uneasy.
Everyone has some sort of grimace or frown on their face, wearily watching Woohyun as he blatantly ignores all their gazes. They all watched him hunched over and in pain a mere two hours ago. They are all ready to never see that again.
“I’m going to bed,” Woohyun announces, waiting for no one. He’s not in the mood. Not when they’re looking at him like he’s going to faint any second.
No one moves until Woohyun slams the door.
Dongwoo sighs in a rather heartbroken sounding way and moves to the kitchen. He has a plate of pasta in the microwave in less than thirty seconds.
Sungyeol asks the silly question. “We had pasta in the fridge?” Howon quirks a smile when Sunggyu snorts.
The building tension chips a little; at the very least, it’s chipped enough so that Myungsoo feels comfortable saying, “I never want to see Woohyun hyung like that again,” He’s grumbling, irritated out of fear and concern. There’s a chorus of agreement and sighs and little mutterings.
The microwave beeps and Sunggyu gets the honors of getting the food out. “Sungjong,” Sunggyu starts. He’s holding out a plate of food and the order is obvious. Sungjong doesn’t argue. He’d complain, usually, but can’t find it himself to even try to pretend.
“I’ll take it to him,” Sungyeol offers, walking up to Sunggyu instead. The leader gives him a grateful smile, handing him the plate of food.
Sungjong gives him a curious look, pursing his lips. “If you want to,” he shrugs. The curious look doesn’t leave Sungjong’s face.
Sungyeol wants to.
-
When Sungyeol opens the door to Woohyun’s room, Woohyun is standing in the middle of the room, doing nothing. Just standing there. He’s facing the direction of the door, so he watches as Sungyeol walks in.
“Delivery,” he chirps this unnecessarily.
“I don’t want it,” Woohyun scowls. His arms are crossed and he suddenly looks defensive as he stares down his bandmate. Sungyeol knows Woohyun is tired. He is so tired.
Sungyeol can see it in the way he moves, the way he talks, the way he fucking breathes. Sungyeol can’t take this type of hurt anymore. He acts without thinking, putting the plate down on a nearby table and moving in so close to Woohyun that they are merely inches apart. “Are you stupid?” he blurts. Not the best line opener, but eloquence is not of importance.
Woohyun stares back so hard at the suddenly up close and personal Sungyeol that he gets cross-eyed. Sungyeol’s anger stomps down the need to laugh at a sight that would undoubtedly have him giggling at another point in time.
“What are you talking about?” Woohyun scoffs, taking a step back.
“You’re tired.” Sungyeol takes one step forward.
“No I’m not.” Woohyun takes another step back, glaring at him like they are in some romantic teen drama.
Woohyun is just stupid, Sungyeol thinks. So, so stupid.
And Sungyeol’s about to do something stupid, so he supposes that they’re just about even. (Skewed logic is still logic, so whatever.)
Because throughout this all, Sungyeol is still very much in love with Woohyun.
And because he is still very much in love with Woohyun, he can’t help himself. Sungyeol is impulsive on most days and mildly spontaneous by nature. But being this close to Woohyun, being this angry, being this hurt, having his heart constantly aching- “I’m going to need to do this,” he blurts.
“Do wh-”
He kisses Woohyun.
It’s an angry kiss, one filled with irritation and fear and just so much care. He puts into it every feeling of love he has for this person who is hurting himself. He puts into it every feeling of frustration he has over Woohyun, every ounce of furious affection he has for him. He kisses him hard, like this is the last thing he’ll ever get to do with the other man.
The only reason he stops kissing Woohyun is because Woohyun still needs that reality check. “You’re ruining yourself.” Sungyeol’s words are coming out in harsh whispers and he’s still really close to Woohyun but he can’t find it in himself to give a fuck right now because Woohyun needs to hear these words right this damn minute. That, and being this close to Woohyun is making him feel lightheaded. So he can’t really think straight anyway- who needs a word filter? “You’re being stupid and hurting yourself for our stupid idol standards and you need to not make anyone feel like their heart is about to break as you work and starve yourself.”
Woohyun has been still this whole exchange, not knowing what to do or how to react. But the words suddenly click and now he’s angry. “Fuck off,” Woohyun hisses, finally pushing Sungyeol away. Sungyeol can see a little spit in the corner of Woohyun’s mouth and despite himself, he feels kind of proud. “I don’t need your concern.” It takes about fifteen seconds- Woohyun pushing Sungyeol out of the room and closing the door with a slam.
Woohyun pushed him onto his butt. Sungyeol can only sit there, petulant. “At least eat the food, okay?”
-
The conversation he had with Woohyun doesn’t give the desired results. If anything, it spurs the main vocal to work even harder and exhaust him further- which really isn’t what Sungyeol wanted.
On top of all of that, Woohyun starts ignoring him. Blatantly and in a rather dick fashion.
But that may or may not be because Sungyeol kissed him. Granted, that may not have been the best course of action in the moment. But it was in the heat of the moment and it was all he could think about.
It’s not like he regrets it, in any case.
-
“Are we really not going to talk about-”
Woohyun slams the door in his face.
-
During their next practice, Woohyun collapses the moment the music turns off.
As a result, Sungyeol starts using his toes.
-
“So.” Sungyeol is still trying to talk to Woohyun. This is the fifth try in three days.
Woohyun leaves before Sungyeol can say anything else.
Well then.
-
If Woohyun doesn’t want to talk, Sungyeol will make him. Sure, he doesn’t have anything close to a definitive plan, nor does he have any leverage on the situation that would make Woohyun willing to converse with him.
But like with everything else, Sungyeol hopes for the best and will do what he can.
Because things are changed and people are moved when care and love are involved.
And who cares more about Woohyun than Sungyeol?
-
It doesn’t take very long for the members to realize that Woohyun is ignoring Sungyeol.
They inquire about what happened to make Woohyun ignore him, but he only laughs, refusing to spill the details. “He’ll come around,” is all Sungyeol says. He hopes, at least. They all give him varying stares of disbelief, but only one member gives him advice.
“Just lock yourself in a room with him.” Sungjong is serious. “I’ll help you,” the maknae even graciously offers. He smiles cheerfully and Sungyeol can’t help but think about how completely devious Sungjong looks in that moment. In that moment, he feels concern for Myungsoo. “How does he survive you?”
Sungjong only laughs.
-
Woohyun’s room is always locked when he’s inside. He can’t risk having Sungyeol walk in, after all. As such, he would never open the door for Sungyeol to talk to him one-on-one.
So getting Sungyeol into the room falls to Sungjong. "Woohyun hyung!" he pounds on the door, sounding urgent. "I need your help!" Sungjong never needs help (with their maknae being very independent and capable), so Woohyun should have known he was walking into a trap. Sungyeol has no sympathy. The moment the door opens a crack. Sungjong pushes the door open, shoves Sungyeol in, and then slams the door closed so fast Sungyeol yelps.
Their seven foot bookshelf is against the door in under twenty seconds.
Woohyun is left staring blankly at the intruder.
“You’re going to have to talk to me sooner or later,” Sungyeol shrugs.
Woohyun wants it to be later. Much later. So much later that it seems like never.
He walks over to the door and opens it, only to see that they have been entirely closed off. "The bookshelf?" Sungyeol whistles. He is mildly impressed. (Woohyun is too.)
Woohyun gives up on escape because even though he knows he could probably tip the bookshelf over- cleaning and rearranging all of that seems like more of a punishment than talking to Sungyeol. So Woohyun goes with the lesser evil. He turns to look at Sungyeol, giving him the flattest look he can manage.
Sungyeol figures that is his cue to start talking.
“Sorry for kissing you,” Sungyeol offers. “Well, I’m not really sorry about that,” he amends, taking only a second to think it through. “Figured you would want an apology for that though.”
It is a statement that is so pure heartedly Sungyeol that it cracks through a little bit of Woohyun’s defense and makes Woohyun snicker. Sorry not sorry is pretty much what Sungyeol had just done- and he is rewarded for it. The words have brought a slight smile to Woohyun’s lips. It is a sight Sungyeol hasn’t seen in a while. He has missed it.
The tension they hadn’t even realized was building is hence broken, leaving Woohyun to sigh heavily before asking, “What do you want from me?” He’s more willing to converse now that he’s reminded- it’s still just Sungyeol. Sungyeol is Sungyeol. Regardless of whatever curse words or kisses. He’s still Sungyeol.
“For you to stop killing yourself would be nice,” Sungyeol muses. His tone is light but his words are anything but. Woohyun can only scoff.
“I’m not killing myself,” Woohyun retorts. He immediately knows what Sungyeol is getting at. “A little hard work never killed anyone.”
“No, but a lot of hard work can do wonders to the body,” Sungyeol snarks back, biting. His lighthearted tone is gone. “I’m just- I’m asking you to try. To do something- to do what you can,” he hisses. “Because what you’re doing now- you can do so much better good for yourself.” There’s no going back now that this conversation has started. Sungyeol hopes for the best.
Because this is the breaking point.
More specifically, this is Woohyun’s breaking point.
“What, you expect me to agree and then suddenly be okay with-” not trying to be perfect? Woohyun stops mid-sentence, sputtering before picking back up again. It’s a little too early to be throwing that sentence around. “You expect me to suddenly not need to uphold everyone’s expectations of me, of what I should be?” Woohyun sounds borderline hysteric; he’s angry, seething almost. This is not a conversation he wants, but not a conversation he can check himself out of. The truth is spilling out whether Woohyun wants it to or not.
“I didn’t say that,” Sungyeol starts. “But that sounds great, actually.” It really does. “Because in trying to live up to some glorified image of what an idol should be, you’re working yourself to the bone. Your body begs you for rest, for a little peace, but you don’t listen. And you work harder than the rest of us, you work harder than anyone I know and that’s great and all, says a lot about you- and it also says a lot about your health. And how you don’t care how much it has deteriorated from not eating properly, from lack of sleep, from miscare.”
Sungyeol didn’t realize when, but he started talking angrily as well. “And it also says a lot about how you don’t care about the rest of us- or our opinions at least. Because we call care-,” Woohyun opens his mouth to let out what Sungyeol knows will be a self-deprecating remark, but he’s not in the mood for any of that so he lets out a quick, “No, fuck you, you know we care.” And care they do. “And we love that you love INFINITE with all your heart, but we also care about your wellbeing.”
Sungyeol’s not done. “Oh- oh and here’s a piece of advice. Stop trying so hard to to act a certain way because you are perfectly fine the way you are,” he sniffs. Probably should have started with that bit, but it’s too late now. “Just- take my word for it, okay. Stop trying to kill yourself.”
Pretty words, Woohyun thinks. In theory, it sounds nice and optimistic and easy. But in actual practice- “There’s no magic cure,” Woohyun scoffs. He’s pessimistic and sounds rather angry and more than a little broken. “I can’t stop what I’ve been living as for the past however many years.”
“No cure?” Sungyeol repeats, sounding almost thoughtful. He figures that it would be rather idiotic wishful thinking that Woohyun suddenly stop all his self-harming and destructive habits. He’ll need time and support- both in copious amounts. So no- Sungyeol knows as well as Woohyun that there is no quick fix. But he thinks he knows where to start. “You’re looking at one.”
-
Sungyeol hopes for the best and does what he can for Woohyun.
And in time, that will be enough.
-end.