My first "loo-pha"
That girlie thing in the bath. Its amazing how much bubbles it creates. Lost in thought, fidgiting with my hands, the bubbles seep out and over me and its just amazing how much can come from it. Especially when it just creeps up on you as you drift in and out of thought...
I am very predictable. My state right now is so .. me. Anxiety. Stomach flipping out. As it always does. Another set up stimulii, I could be excited, bored, interested, whatever. I can see everything I do as some sort of pattern of something previously. I am surprised I can play poker...
I wish I could control or manipulate the state. Produce a new outcome. I refuse to use any substance to alter an emotional state. Fear of being my father. The alcoholic that should kill himself soon enough. I can't drink to relieve stress from work. Pop a vic or smoke to mellow out the anxiety.... I guess thats not totally true. Sometimes I have a Coke when I am really stressed ( not in a year though ). ANd its the same experience, body overwhelmed with the new stimulus, the old is temporarily forgotten. And then masturbating ( or sex ) does the same thing, but lets be honest, rarely am I in a situation where I can have sex to distract...But its still the same thing. I guess I'll have to rethink those lines at a differnt time. And I often wonder is it even best. To just sit there in all the anxiety, depression, whatever and rely on it to just go away or biking like crazy until I get the runner's high. Is one method that much different?
and the bubbles just keep piling up through all this. I need to learn to use less soap with this thing. Rinsing it out. More Piccross into the wee hours.
I am very predictable. My state right now is so .. me. Anxiety. Stomach flipping out. As it always does. Another set up stimulii, I could be excited, bored, interested, whatever. I can see everything I do as some sort of pattern of something previously. I am surprised I can play poker...
I wish I could control or manipulate the state. Produce a new outcome. I refuse to use any substance to alter an emotional state. Fear of being my father. The alcoholic that should kill himself soon enough. I can't drink to relieve stress from work. Pop a vic or smoke to mellow out the anxiety.... I guess thats not totally true. Sometimes I have a Coke when I am really stressed ( not in a year though ). ANd its the same experience, body overwhelmed with the new stimulus, the old is temporarily forgotten. And then masturbating ( or sex ) does the same thing, but lets be honest, rarely am I in a situation where I can have sex to distract...But its still the same thing. I guess I'll have to rethink those lines at a differnt time. And I often wonder is it even best. To just sit there in all the anxiety, depression, whatever and rely on it to just go away or biking like crazy until I get the runner's high. Is one method that much different?
and the bubbles just keep piling up through all this. I need to learn to use less soap with this thing. Rinsing it out. More Piccross into the wee hours.