ON/OFF Screen [Chapter 21]
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Tadaima! Anybody miss me? :) Here's next chapter~! A longer one, I hope! As usual, thank you for reading, comments, criticism and inputs would be highly appreciated. If you haven't read the previous chapters, you can always refer to the master post.
CHAPTER 21
「It is That Simple」
I let out a long sigh as I walk out of my agency's building. Arguing non-stop with my manager all day regarding the contract of that Hollywood project. Well, at the least, I have more time to think about it now. And more time to build up the heart and courage to speak to Jun-kun about this. My manager, on the other hand, has been on my case for the past week to sign the damn contract, whilst I was being very reluctant regarding this project and on the verge of completely rejecting it.
"You've lived outside Japan more than half of your childhood and teen years! What's another two years?!" My manager was so desperate. "This is a once in a lifetime chance, Rei! The clock is ticking!"
I know that, Mika-chan, but it isn't that simple.
"Then make it simple! Is this about your relationship with Matsumoto-san? If he really loves you, he'll support you and will not stand between you and your carreer!"
I know, I know! He definitely will. But it isn't that simple as well.
I almost blurt it out yesterday night.
I heard him slipped into the bed quietly, trying not to disturb me. I actually was already awake the moment he stepped into the apartment just half an hour before. But I stayed in bed to gather the words that I had to say to him.
"Jun-kun.." I have softly mumbled, my eyes still at close.
He pulled his body closer to mine, was hugging me from behind as he laid beside me.
He softly caressed my hair, "Did I wake you up?"
He turned me over to face him and I open my eyes slightly. His chocolate eyes were puffy already, lacking some sleep. But he cared more about mine and tried to close them gently with his two fingers.
I playfully pulled his fingers away, "You're the one who looks damn tired." I bit my underlip, maybe this wasn't such a good timing. Maybe tomorrow morning when he has had some good rest.. Maybe..
He just smiled, "Had a long day."
And then he kissed my lips. With the kind of passion that a half-asleep man should not had. Completely erased all the thoughts of hollywood from my mind. We hadn't got much time together these days and the kiss made me realized how much I missed him. How he missed me..
I decided to just tell him in the morning. That would work better. Yes, definitely, I thought as I drown myself for a moment in that way past midnight kiss.
He then pulled away and finally closed his own eyes. He let me snuggled to his chest and I slept the whole night in his arms.
As I get at the backseat of a taxi, throw back my head to stare at the ceilings, as if I could see the grumbling grey sky behind it.
"Make it simple enough then!" Manager-san insisted.
But..
Then my phone rings.
"Moshi-moshi"
"Rei-chan! Where are you?" The voice rings a bell but I can't recognize the number.
"Aiba-chan?!"
"Is Matsujun with you?"
"No..." I furrow my eyebrows, aren't they supposed to have a concert rehearsal together? "What's wrong?"
"He.. He took off hours ago. He won't pick up his mobile."
"Took off?"
"He left the stadium. He said he would be back soon, but.."
"What happened?"
"Maybe I overreacted.."
Then someone else grabs the phone from him. Nino's familiar voice is heard from the receiver now.
"Rei-chan.. I am sorry it kinda slipped," He muttered softly.
"What slipped?" This surely doesn't sound good.
"Actually, Aiba-chan is the one who slipped it out first! About you going to Hollywood for 2 years.."
"To who?"
"To Jun-kun!"
"WHAT?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Aiba-chan thought you already told him.."
"How come Aiba-chan knows about this?"
"Well that one would be entirely my fault.." He lets out a loud sigh, almost as if he deliberately blows it to the receiver so I could hear it.
"You betcha it is!"
I close my eyes and trying to picture his expression when he heard the news from his bandmates instead of me..
"Neen.." My voice cracks, "How did he react to it?"
Nino didn't answer immediately..
"I don't know.. He didn't say anything and he just left. He didn't seem like he's angry, though."
That's worse than being angry.. That's..
I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know whether I was more angry to Nino, the situation or myself.
"Look, Neen, I'll call you back, okay?"
I didn't wait for an answer and hang up immediately. I dialed Jun-kun's speed dial.
Once. Twice.
He doesn't answer.
Again.
He still doesn't pick up the damn phone.
One more time.
Still no answer.
Calm down, Rei, calm down. He is probably just need sometime to think this through..
I open a new mail message window, trying to make some sense and come up with something to say to mail him. My phone rings again. This time it is Nino's number.
"Rei! He's back already.." He sounds breathless, and slightly whispering.
"What?"
"He just walked back into the stadium."
"What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything.. He just said sorry for taking a while and wanted to start rehearsal right away.. So now.. Yes?"
Someone called Nino's name in the background. Jun-kun's voice.
Nino answers to him, "I'll be right there."
Then back at me, mumbling his advice as quick as he can, "If you want to, you should just come here to Kokuritsu. I'll let the staff know."
And with that he just hang up the phone, leaving me bewildered..
"Can we turn back and head to Kokuritsu instead?" I ask the taxi driver, still in the middle of decomposing myself.
I don't mind at all for him to be mad at me. He can yell at me all he wants now. Criticize me all he can. Spit out those mean words, slice my heart with that sharp tongue. I would prefer all of those altogether than this.
Than this silence. This not picking up my calls. This sudden disappearance..
All of this is making me feel so uneasy.
You're not going to leave me, aren't you, Jun-kun? You won't give up on us, will you, Jun?
---
Nino's PA already waited for me in front of the stadium when my taxi arrived. He silently leads me to the arena. We came in through the usual audience's entrance and guide me to a seat.
"Ninomiya-san has instructed for you to just sit here and wait," He beckons to one of the millions of seats available there.
"This particular seat?"
"This particular seat."
"Why?"
"He didn't say."
Nino surely has something planned. I've gotten to know him quite that well this past year and started to be able to recognize the smell of his pranks. Especially with Jun-kun's help in identifying them.
I just wish that he is smart enough to realize that this is not the best time to do pranks.
I sit at the predestined seat and looked around. It is not a VIP seat where I can see everything, nor can they see me with that much of distance. A fan who is bound to have this seat at their concert will have a hard time to differentiate each members without the help of the projectors. Even right now, from a girl who sees one of the members everyday and another one occasionally, I can only see figures and tilts my head trying to guess whether it s Jun-kun or Aiba-chan.
Then the two figures I guessed as Jun-kun or Aiba-chan goes their seperate ways to two different Johnny's Moving Stage as the stage rises up. One of them goes to one with a smaller guy, whom I could make out as Nino. The other one gets on the same one with the rest. The stage with Nino on it moves closer to my side of the arena.
The sun starts to set and I could feel the wind blows stronger on my face.
The moving stage gets closer and closer, I get a better view of the man with Nino. It is definitely Jun-kun with his tattered jeans, t-shirt and baseball cap. My heart gives a strong jolt. And I stand up from my seat.
Both Nino and Jun-kun seems to be discussing about some matters on the moving stage, but at one point, they go the opposite side of the stage, studying the view of the arena, with arms cross in front of his chest.
And right there, he sees me. He sees me seeing him.
He doesn't move. He doesn't look away. He doesn't even wave at me. He just keeps looking at me with this indescribable expression as the moving stage brings us closer together. Our eyes lock on each other.
At our closest point. He suddenly points at me with his index finger as if I am one fan he chooses amongst hundreds of thousands others. And then he smiles his most beautiful smile. Brightly.
I love this man with all my heart. I adore this man with all my might. And there's no other dream, no Hollywood offer, could ever come between us.
Witnessing that smile, I feel that everything is going to be alright. Love conquers all. All my confusion and dilemma for the past week has gone to pieces. Just because of that one smile.
And just because of that one smile, I made up my mind. I made up my heart.
I smile back. And wave to him excitedly. I jump up and down and squeal with all my fangirling might.
"Matsujun!"
He laughs at that and waves at me as the stage is now brings him farther and farther.
I catch Nino's eyes after Jun-kun looks away, still smiling and mouth him my thank you. Nino just give me a salute with his two fingers, his infamous 'good-looking guy' pose. I laugh at that and he turns to his back.
Yes, everything is going to be alright.
I sit down again. I get my phone out and start to dial Mika-chan's number.
---
The sky has gotten darker and darker when the rehearsal is finally done. I see Jun-kun approaches me as he walks across the arena. He climbs up the bleachers and give me a light kiss on the lips as he sits right in front of me, facing me.
"Hey.." I softly greet him after we broke away from the kiss.
"Hey," he smiles back.
"Jun-kun, about that offer.."
"It's fine. I understand why you haven't told me yet. It must be hard for you," he calmly shrugs his shoulders. "Don't worry about it.."
"But.." but he doesn't even let me finish.
"We'll talk about it later, okay?" Still in a calm voice, but firm.
I try to read his eyes. His eyes has that intense mysterious aura in the way he looks into mine. I've seen those expressions in his eyes before. The day we first have our first kiss, right after the director gave the cut and the day we bump into each other at the bar with Nino and Ohno-san.
I hesitantly nod.
"I've asked the guys to hang out and have a drink. You don't mind coming, do you?"
"You don't mind me coming? if you want to hang out with the guys I can wait for you at home.."
"No, I want you to come," He takes my hand and pulls me up to stand on my feet.
I finally nod again and he brushes my hair with a hand.
"Let's go."
I silently follows him walking down the bleachers, still not completely understand with what is the meaning behind all this.
But then I smile. I have good news. Perhaps I could just tell them all at once, so they don't need to feel any guilt after what happened today.
Yes, everything is going to be alright.
---
Of course we all went to their usual bar. Who ever thought that idols have no varieties in picking up places to go in such a big city like this? Or perhaps the place is just too familiar, too comfortable.. And not to mention they've never been found out here. They get to be ordinary guys, hanging out with co-workers and just be themselves.
I sit right next to Jun-kun and Nino sits right opposite of us between Sho-kun and Aiba-chan. Ohna-san sits on my other side. The staff has joined us as well at another table.
I catch Jun's stare at me as I hear Nino's telling a story about how Aiba-chan nearly fell off the moving stage today out of too much excitement. He gives me a small smile and looks away, but slip his hand to mine underneath the table. He is the kind of guy who doesn't like public display of affection. He likes to keep everything private, just between us two. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes it back.
Another round of sake has arrived on our table. As Aiba-chan grabs the bottle to pour it, Jun-kun stops him. He lets go of my hand and pours each of us one cup instead and clears his throat.
"Let's have a toast, guys. I am late to congratulate my own girl, for her debut in Hollywood.." His voice is so calm it scares me. He gives me a quick peck on the cheek and hands me a cup.
The other guys cheer together with him and raise their cup.
"Kanpai!"
I didn't even touch mine when they drink their cup dry.
"Ehm, guys.." I start with a low voice.
Nino looks at me sharply as Jun-kun just pour himself another cup. I know Nino must be reading my mind right now as his look is becoming a glare.
"I have an announcement to make.."
Jun-kun glances at me as he puts his cup back to the table. He furrows his eyebrows slightly.
I let out a nervous laugh, "the thing is, I've turned the offer down just today.."
No one said anything for a good one minute. Jun-kun just furrows his eyebrows more, taking the sake and drink himself another one.
I clear my throat, "I don't think I am up for the challenge.. I am not good enough for that yet.. Besides I still have a dream right here in Japan regarding my own carreer. So.. I think it is the best."
Nino just looks at me blankly. Jun-kun doesn't even shift in his seat and keep his eyes on his sake. The other 3 national idols just look at each other.
Sho-kun then breaks a forced smile, "If Rei-chan thinks it is for the best, then I guess we can't say anything, can we? But still our congratulations are still on! You are such a good actress they notice your talent right away!"
I smile sincerely at him, "Thank you, Sho-kun. But you compliment me too much."
Nino finally breaks his own silence with a tone I never heard him using ever before, "You're such a baka."
Is he mad?
"Don't even try to use modesty as a reason. You're not up for the challenge? That's bullshit!" He still has that sharp look on me. So sharp that I do not dare to continue looking at him.
I look away to Jun-kun, but he is just continue drinking his sake, his gaze is million miles away as if he is not listening to the conversation at the table.
"If you just don't want to, then you just don't want to. Don't say that you are not good enough because you are!" Nino continues on until Sho-kun touches his shoulder slightly and Aiba-chan nudges his arm. Obviously, telling him to shut the hell up.
"What?" Nino just refuses to shut up. "You guys agree on that?"
"Well, no. But it is not our place to say that, Neen," Ohno-kun answers in a low voice under his cup.
Nino just scoffs at their leader's wise statement. He then looks at Jun-kun who is still staring at his cup as his fingers circling its edge.
"Jun-kun," Nino still doesn't give up, "What do you think?"
Jun-kun finally looks up to him and give each of us a look except for me. He then just throws his back to his seat and stare at the ceiling as he mumbles, "If that's her choice, then what can I do.."
"How can you say that, Jun-kun!" Nino snaps. "You can't just let her do that! You know that.."
"Urusai," he calmly mumbles again, cutting Nino at mid sentence, as he continues to stare at the ceiling as if he could see the stars behind it.
Silence.
Nino finally gives in and shakes his head. Aiba-chan pours him another glass and he happily drinks it dry.
"I am sorry, Neen," I mutter softly, I know his noisiness is a result of his caring for me.
"The one you should feel sorry to is yourself," he spits it out.
Silence again.
"Eh, why don't we play something? Drinking game?" Aiba-chan's attempt to break the silence and uncomfortable air.
I smile a thousand of thank yous to him and return his excitement, a bit too much, "Yatta! Lets!"
I steal a glance to Jun-kun at the corner of my eyes. He is still staring at the ceiling.
---
I sit on the passenger seat as he drives us home. He hasn't utter any word ever since my announcement. Which is making feel so uneasy. I have expected him to be angry, I would prefer him to be angry. Having an outburst, just like Nino's earlier this evening. Just like any normal boyfriend.
What's with all his reactions today? These reactions, I haven't experienced this side of him before for the whole year we've been going out and practically live together.
Red traffic light.
Silence.
"Jun-kun.."
"Hm?"
"Are you mad?"
He just stare at the road. He also hasn't look at me, not even once, after that particular announcement.
"Do I look like I am?" He mumbles in a low voice.
"Well, no.. But you haven't said anything either."
Silence again and the light turns green.
"Ne, Rei.." He finally says after a few kilometres, but still no glance to my side. Not even a smile.
But he is talking now, so things are looking up a bit. I shift in my seat and turn to face him, getting ready to some heart to heart talk.
"Yes?"
"Are you serious about turning the offer down?" He softly asks. He then looks right into my eyes for a second before turning his attention to the road again.
"Well, yeah.. I've been very reluctant about accepting it. Maybe Nino was right. I just didn't want to do it."
"Why?" He raises his voice a bit.
Here we go. I've never been this happy to see his anger.
"Well.. I just don't want to leave Japan that long, I guess," I honestly say in a low voice.
He doesn't say anything for a while and keep driving calmly.
When he finally speaks up again, any trace of anger and emotion has completely gone from his tone, "Is it because of us?"
"Eh?" I am completely bewildered.
"Say.. if, only if.. I don't exist. Or we don't know each other. I am not your boyfriend, and you have none... Would you accept that offer?"
"What kind of question is that, Jun?" I let out a nervous laugh, confused of where this conversation is going.
"Just answer it."
He stops the car.
That's when I realize that we are right in front of my apartment, not his. I didn't pay attention to the change of course at all. I look around, dumbfounded.
"Jun, what are we doing here..?"
"Just answer my question, Rei!" He sternly insists, but doesn't even raise his voice. He turns to me and lock his eyes on mine.
"It is not that simple!" I cry out.
"Actually, it is that simple," he mumbles grimly.
I blink once and twice, turning away from his gaze and stare at the road in front of us.
"Maybe.. I don't know.." I finally answer with a soft voice.
He sighs.
"We should not see each other anymore, then."
My heart stops as I hear his calm voice stating the impossible.
"What?" My voice barely makes it out of my mouth. He's got to be kidding, right?
He clears his throat and looks straight into my eyes. His tone is firm and unforgiving.
"Let's break up."
That's when it hits me. He is dead serious about this.
I can hear my heart breaks into pieces.
Continue to Chapter 22
CHAPTER 21
「It is That Simple」
I let out a long sigh as I walk out of my agency's building. Arguing non-stop with my manager all day regarding the contract of that Hollywood project. Well, at the least, I have more time to think about it now. And more time to build up the heart and courage to speak to Jun-kun about this. My manager, on the other hand, has been on my case for the past week to sign the damn contract, whilst I was being very reluctant regarding this project and on the verge of completely rejecting it.
"You've lived outside Japan more than half of your childhood and teen years! What's another two years?!" My manager was so desperate. "This is a once in a lifetime chance, Rei! The clock is ticking!"
I know that, Mika-chan, but it isn't that simple.
"Then make it simple! Is this about your relationship with Matsumoto-san? If he really loves you, he'll support you and will not stand between you and your carreer!"
I know, I know! He definitely will. But it isn't that simple as well.
I almost blurt it out yesterday night.
I heard him slipped into the bed quietly, trying not to disturb me. I actually was already awake the moment he stepped into the apartment just half an hour before. But I stayed in bed to gather the words that I had to say to him.
"Jun-kun.." I have softly mumbled, my eyes still at close.
He pulled his body closer to mine, was hugging me from behind as he laid beside me.
He softly caressed my hair, "Did I wake you up?"
He turned me over to face him and I open my eyes slightly. His chocolate eyes were puffy already, lacking some sleep. But he cared more about mine and tried to close them gently with his two fingers.
I playfully pulled his fingers away, "You're the one who looks damn tired." I bit my underlip, maybe this wasn't such a good timing. Maybe tomorrow morning when he has had some good rest.. Maybe..
He just smiled, "Had a long day."
And then he kissed my lips. With the kind of passion that a half-asleep man should not had. Completely erased all the thoughts of hollywood from my mind. We hadn't got much time together these days and the kiss made me realized how much I missed him. How he missed me..
I decided to just tell him in the morning. That would work better. Yes, definitely, I thought as I drown myself for a moment in that way past midnight kiss.
He then pulled away and finally closed his own eyes. He let me snuggled to his chest and I slept the whole night in his arms.
As I get at the backseat of a taxi, throw back my head to stare at the ceilings, as if I could see the grumbling grey sky behind it.
"Make it simple enough then!" Manager-san insisted.
But..
Then my phone rings.
"Moshi-moshi"
"Rei-chan! Where are you?" The voice rings a bell but I can't recognize the number.
"Aiba-chan?!"
"Is Matsujun with you?"
"No..." I furrow my eyebrows, aren't they supposed to have a concert rehearsal together? "What's wrong?"
"He.. He took off hours ago. He won't pick up his mobile."
"Took off?"
"He left the stadium. He said he would be back soon, but.."
"What happened?"
"Maybe I overreacted.."
Then someone else grabs the phone from him. Nino's familiar voice is heard from the receiver now.
"Rei-chan.. I am sorry it kinda slipped," He muttered softly.
"What slipped?" This surely doesn't sound good.
"Actually, Aiba-chan is the one who slipped it out first! About you going to Hollywood for 2 years.."
"To who?"
"To Jun-kun!"
"WHAT?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Aiba-chan thought you already told him.."
"How come Aiba-chan knows about this?"
"Well that one would be entirely my fault.." He lets out a loud sigh, almost as if he deliberately blows it to the receiver so I could hear it.
"You betcha it is!"
I close my eyes and trying to picture his expression when he heard the news from his bandmates instead of me..
"Neen.." My voice cracks, "How did he react to it?"
Nino didn't answer immediately..
"I don't know.. He didn't say anything and he just left. He didn't seem like he's angry, though."
That's worse than being angry.. That's..
I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know whether I was more angry to Nino, the situation or myself.
"Look, Neen, I'll call you back, okay?"
I didn't wait for an answer and hang up immediately. I dialed Jun-kun's speed dial.
Once. Twice.
He doesn't answer.
Again.
He still doesn't pick up the damn phone.
One more time.
Still no answer.
Calm down, Rei, calm down. He is probably just need sometime to think this through..
I open a new mail message window, trying to make some sense and come up with something to say to mail him. My phone rings again. This time it is Nino's number.
"Rei! He's back already.." He sounds breathless, and slightly whispering.
"What?"
"He just walked back into the stadium."
"What did he say?"
"He didn't say anything.. He just said sorry for taking a while and wanted to start rehearsal right away.. So now.. Yes?"
Someone called Nino's name in the background. Jun-kun's voice.
Nino answers to him, "I'll be right there."
Then back at me, mumbling his advice as quick as he can, "If you want to, you should just come here to Kokuritsu. I'll let the staff know."
And with that he just hang up the phone, leaving me bewildered..
"Can we turn back and head to Kokuritsu instead?" I ask the taxi driver, still in the middle of decomposing myself.
I don't mind at all for him to be mad at me. He can yell at me all he wants now. Criticize me all he can. Spit out those mean words, slice my heart with that sharp tongue. I would prefer all of those altogether than this.
Than this silence. This not picking up my calls. This sudden disappearance..
All of this is making me feel so uneasy.
You're not going to leave me, aren't you, Jun-kun? You won't give up on us, will you, Jun?
---
Nino's PA already waited for me in front of the stadium when my taxi arrived. He silently leads me to the arena. We came in through the usual audience's entrance and guide me to a seat.
"Ninomiya-san has instructed for you to just sit here and wait," He beckons to one of the millions of seats available there.
"This particular seat?"
"This particular seat."
"Why?"
"He didn't say."
Nino surely has something planned. I've gotten to know him quite that well this past year and started to be able to recognize the smell of his pranks. Especially with Jun-kun's help in identifying them.
I just wish that he is smart enough to realize that this is not the best time to do pranks.
I sit at the predestined seat and looked around. It is not a VIP seat where I can see everything, nor can they see me with that much of distance. A fan who is bound to have this seat at their concert will have a hard time to differentiate each members without the help of the projectors. Even right now, from a girl who sees one of the members everyday and another one occasionally, I can only see figures and tilts my head trying to guess whether it s Jun-kun or Aiba-chan.
Then the two figures I guessed as Jun-kun or Aiba-chan goes their seperate ways to two different Johnny's Moving Stage as the stage rises up. One of them goes to one with a smaller guy, whom I could make out as Nino. The other one gets on the same one with the rest. The stage with Nino on it moves closer to my side of the arena.
The sun starts to set and I could feel the wind blows stronger on my face.
The moving stage gets closer and closer, I get a better view of the man with Nino. It is definitely Jun-kun with his tattered jeans, t-shirt and baseball cap. My heart gives a strong jolt. And I stand up from my seat.
Both Nino and Jun-kun seems to be discussing about some matters on the moving stage, but at one point, they go the opposite side of the stage, studying the view of the arena, with arms cross in front of his chest.
And right there, he sees me. He sees me seeing him.
He doesn't move. He doesn't look away. He doesn't even wave at me. He just keeps looking at me with this indescribable expression as the moving stage brings us closer together. Our eyes lock on each other.
At our closest point. He suddenly points at me with his index finger as if I am one fan he chooses amongst hundreds of thousands others. And then he smiles his most beautiful smile. Brightly.
I love this man with all my heart. I adore this man with all my might. And there's no other dream, no Hollywood offer, could ever come between us.
Witnessing that smile, I feel that everything is going to be alright. Love conquers all. All my confusion and dilemma for the past week has gone to pieces. Just because of that one smile.
And just because of that one smile, I made up my mind. I made up my heart.
I smile back. And wave to him excitedly. I jump up and down and squeal with all my fangirling might.
"Matsujun!"
He laughs at that and waves at me as the stage is now brings him farther and farther.
I catch Nino's eyes after Jun-kun looks away, still smiling and mouth him my thank you. Nino just give me a salute with his two fingers, his infamous 'good-looking guy' pose. I laugh at that and he turns to his back.
Yes, everything is going to be alright.
I sit down again. I get my phone out and start to dial Mika-chan's number.
---
The sky has gotten darker and darker when the rehearsal is finally done. I see Jun-kun approaches me as he walks across the arena. He climbs up the bleachers and give me a light kiss on the lips as he sits right in front of me, facing me.
"Hey.." I softly greet him after we broke away from the kiss.
"Hey," he smiles back.
"Jun-kun, about that offer.."
"It's fine. I understand why you haven't told me yet. It must be hard for you," he calmly shrugs his shoulders. "Don't worry about it.."
"But.." but he doesn't even let me finish.
"We'll talk about it later, okay?" Still in a calm voice, but firm.
I try to read his eyes. His eyes has that intense mysterious aura in the way he looks into mine. I've seen those expressions in his eyes before. The day we first have our first kiss, right after the director gave the cut and the day we bump into each other at the bar with Nino and Ohno-san.
I hesitantly nod.
"I've asked the guys to hang out and have a drink. You don't mind coming, do you?"
"You don't mind me coming? if you want to hang out with the guys I can wait for you at home.."
"No, I want you to come," He takes my hand and pulls me up to stand on my feet.
I finally nod again and he brushes my hair with a hand.
"Let's go."
I silently follows him walking down the bleachers, still not completely understand with what is the meaning behind all this.
But then I smile. I have good news. Perhaps I could just tell them all at once, so they don't need to feel any guilt after what happened today.
Yes, everything is going to be alright.
---
Of course we all went to their usual bar. Who ever thought that idols have no varieties in picking up places to go in such a big city like this? Or perhaps the place is just too familiar, too comfortable.. And not to mention they've never been found out here. They get to be ordinary guys, hanging out with co-workers and just be themselves.
I sit right next to Jun-kun and Nino sits right opposite of us between Sho-kun and Aiba-chan. Ohna-san sits on my other side. The staff has joined us as well at another table.
I catch Jun's stare at me as I hear Nino's telling a story about how Aiba-chan nearly fell off the moving stage today out of too much excitement. He gives me a small smile and looks away, but slip his hand to mine underneath the table. He is the kind of guy who doesn't like public display of affection. He likes to keep everything private, just between us two. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes it back.
Another round of sake has arrived on our table. As Aiba-chan grabs the bottle to pour it, Jun-kun stops him. He lets go of my hand and pours each of us one cup instead and clears his throat.
"Let's have a toast, guys. I am late to congratulate my own girl, for her debut in Hollywood.." His voice is so calm it scares me. He gives me a quick peck on the cheek and hands me a cup.
The other guys cheer together with him and raise their cup.
"Kanpai!"
I didn't even touch mine when they drink their cup dry.
"Ehm, guys.." I start with a low voice.
Nino looks at me sharply as Jun-kun just pour himself another cup. I know Nino must be reading my mind right now as his look is becoming a glare.
"I have an announcement to make.."
Jun-kun glances at me as he puts his cup back to the table. He furrows his eyebrows slightly.
I let out a nervous laugh, "the thing is, I've turned the offer down just today.."
No one said anything for a good one minute. Jun-kun just furrows his eyebrows more, taking the sake and drink himself another one.
I clear my throat, "I don't think I am up for the challenge.. I am not good enough for that yet.. Besides I still have a dream right here in Japan regarding my own carreer. So.. I think it is the best."
Nino just looks at me blankly. Jun-kun doesn't even shift in his seat and keep his eyes on his sake. The other 3 national idols just look at each other.
Sho-kun then breaks a forced smile, "If Rei-chan thinks it is for the best, then I guess we can't say anything, can we? But still our congratulations are still on! You are such a good actress they notice your talent right away!"
I smile sincerely at him, "Thank you, Sho-kun. But you compliment me too much."
Nino finally breaks his own silence with a tone I never heard him using ever before, "You're such a baka."
Is he mad?
"Don't even try to use modesty as a reason. You're not up for the challenge? That's bullshit!" He still has that sharp look on me. So sharp that I do not dare to continue looking at him.
I look away to Jun-kun, but he is just continue drinking his sake, his gaze is million miles away as if he is not listening to the conversation at the table.
"If you just don't want to, then you just don't want to. Don't say that you are not good enough because you are!" Nino continues on until Sho-kun touches his shoulder slightly and Aiba-chan nudges his arm. Obviously, telling him to shut the hell up.
"What?" Nino just refuses to shut up. "You guys agree on that?"
"Well, no. But it is not our place to say that, Neen," Ohno-kun answers in a low voice under his cup.
Nino just scoffs at their leader's wise statement. He then looks at Jun-kun who is still staring at his cup as his fingers circling its edge.
"Jun-kun," Nino still doesn't give up, "What do you think?"
Jun-kun finally looks up to him and give each of us a look except for me. He then just throws his back to his seat and stare at the ceiling as he mumbles, "If that's her choice, then what can I do.."
"How can you say that, Jun-kun!" Nino snaps. "You can't just let her do that! You know that.."
"Urusai," he calmly mumbles again, cutting Nino at mid sentence, as he continues to stare at the ceiling as if he could see the stars behind it.
Silence.
Nino finally gives in and shakes his head. Aiba-chan pours him another glass and he happily drinks it dry.
"I am sorry, Neen," I mutter softly, I know his noisiness is a result of his caring for me.
"The one you should feel sorry to is yourself," he spits it out.
Silence again.
"Eh, why don't we play something? Drinking game?" Aiba-chan's attempt to break the silence and uncomfortable air.
I smile a thousand of thank yous to him and return his excitement, a bit too much, "Yatta! Lets!"
I steal a glance to Jun-kun at the corner of my eyes. He is still staring at the ceiling.
---
I sit on the passenger seat as he drives us home. He hasn't utter any word ever since my announcement. Which is making feel so uneasy. I have expected him to be angry, I would prefer him to be angry. Having an outburst, just like Nino's earlier this evening. Just like any normal boyfriend.
What's with all his reactions today? These reactions, I haven't experienced this side of him before for the whole year we've been going out and practically live together.
Red traffic light.
Silence.
"Jun-kun.."
"Hm?"
"Are you mad?"
He just stare at the road. He also hasn't look at me, not even once, after that particular announcement.
"Do I look like I am?" He mumbles in a low voice.
"Well, no.. But you haven't said anything either."
Silence again and the light turns green.
"Ne, Rei.." He finally says after a few kilometres, but still no glance to my side. Not even a smile.
But he is talking now, so things are looking up a bit. I shift in my seat and turn to face him, getting ready to some heart to heart talk.
"Yes?"
"Are you serious about turning the offer down?" He softly asks. He then looks right into my eyes for a second before turning his attention to the road again.
"Well, yeah.. I've been very reluctant about accepting it. Maybe Nino was right. I just didn't want to do it."
"Why?" He raises his voice a bit.
Here we go. I've never been this happy to see his anger.
"Well.. I just don't want to leave Japan that long, I guess," I honestly say in a low voice.
He doesn't say anything for a while and keep driving calmly.
When he finally speaks up again, any trace of anger and emotion has completely gone from his tone, "Is it because of us?"
"Eh?" I am completely bewildered.
"Say.. if, only if.. I don't exist. Or we don't know each other. I am not your boyfriend, and you have none... Would you accept that offer?"
"What kind of question is that, Jun?" I let out a nervous laugh, confused of where this conversation is going.
"Just answer it."
He stops the car.
That's when I realize that we are right in front of my apartment, not his. I didn't pay attention to the change of course at all. I look around, dumbfounded.
"Jun, what are we doing here..?"
"Just answer my question, Rei!" He sternly insists, but doesn't even raise his voice. He turns to me and lock his eyes on mine.
"It is not that simple!" I cry out.
"Actually, it is that simple," he mumbles grimly.
I blink once and twice, turning away from his gaze and stare at the road in front of us.
"Maybe.. I don't know.." I finally answer with a soft voice.
He sighs.
"We should not see each other anymore, then."
My heart stops as I hear his calm voice stating the impossible.
"What?" My voice barely makes it out of my mouth. He's got to be kidding, right?
He clears his throat and looks straight into my eyes. His tone is firm and unforgiving.
"Let's break up."
That's when it hits me. He is dead serious about this.
I can hear my heart breaks into pieces.
Continue to Chapter 22