(no subject)
Usually before I write one of these I start it out like this: to further extend on the subject of blaming a new love for things an old love did...
This time, it's not like that. So I will introduce this as such:
To further expand on the subject of blaming a love for unchangeable (however painful) past events in life, I bring you...
I will never be like my mother. This is what I have been saying to myself for as long as I can remember. Don't ever be like her.
She is so utterly and completely controlled by my dad that it makes me sick. It makes me want to scream and cry and yell at them both. It's disgusting, really. It's not love. It's sheer control.
It's sad, because most girls look up to their moms. They think their mom is the strongest lady on earth. I love my mom, I love her a lot. I also think she is a very strong woman but I also know that there is a very fine line between being strong and just being stupid.
Strong would be to pack our things and leave this house and never have to come back. Strong would be to tell him that he can't talk to her like that and saying 'no. I'm not waiting on your every need every moment of my life.'
But she won't ever do it. She will stay here while he slowly drowns her and she will sit and watch while he turns me into a horribly troubled woman and turns my brother into a controling misogynist just like him.
That is why I say with unequivical severity that I will never ever be like that. No man will talk to me like he talks to her. No man will ever make me wait on him hand and foot. No man will yell at me like that or throw things at me or hit me. And no man will ever have me so brainwashed that I won't know when enough is enough and pack my shit and leave.
These are all good things. They're normal things for a woman to want. Basic respect, really.
I get that from Justin. Justin does not treat me like my dad treats my mom at all. We argue sometimes, just like all couples. But most of the time it's not his problem. It's mine.
I tend to overreact. A lot. It usually starts the same way. He will say or do something that is not really mean or controlling at all. Something in normal conversation like 'I wouldn't like it if you did that' or he will forget to call me when he gets off work. But since I am so adamant that I will not be like my mother, I overreact. I guess I think that if I let him get away with something that it will just take baby steps until I am just like her.
So, I get mad on principal. My mom never gets mad at my dad. She never calls him on all the things he does or says. When he stays out until 3am on a weeknight, she doesn't say a word. Every second of her life is spent making sure that he is perfectly happy even when it means tiptoeing on eggshells only to end up pissing him off over nothing and then taking the brunt of his emotional abuse. I guess my theory is that if I get mad at Justin the baby steps will never be taken and it will never snowball into my parents' relationship.
I guess I never stop to think that comparing my father's actions to Justin's actions is like comparing apples to oranges. Actually, I do realize that. I just don't know how to stop.
So when I get mad, he gets mad because I'm mad over nothing. Then I get more mad because he's mad at me. I feel like he's getting mad for no reason when he should be apologizing (which is something my dad never does). Then he gets more mad. Then I realize what I'm doing and quickly apologize profusely and most of the time cry.
Then it starts to fester. My mom always apologizes profusely to my dad for no reason, just so he won't fly into a rage. I start to feel like that's what I did. It starts to boil over, I feel like I'm more like her than ever. This usually takes a few hours. In those few hours, Justin gets over the fight completely. Then I always bring it back up. I have to show that I'm not like her. So we start to argue again.
All of this because my mom can't just fucking leave. After so long, so many fights. Not arguments like me and Justin have, they have violent fights. Breaking windows and slamming doors and throwing shit and saying such horrible things about each other and even me.
I just feel like I need to get out of that house and be with the person that loves me. The only person who can make me believe that all of those things my dad has said about me are not true. The most important person in my life. And because of my parents, I hurt him. And I don't want to hurt him anymore.
But, I guess it's a vicious cycle I'm going to have to take hold of and make it stop before I lose the only person that saves me again everyday.
This time, it's not like that. So I will introduce this as such:
To further expand on the subject of blaming a love for unchangeable (however painful) past events in life, I bring you...
I will never be like my mother. This is what I have been saying to myself for as long as I can remember. Don't ever be like her.
She is so utterly and completely controlled by my dad that it makes me sick. It makes me want to scream and cry and yell at them both. It's disgusting, really. It's not love. It's sheer control.
It's sad, because most girls look up to their moms. They think their mom is the strongest lady on earth. I love my mom, I love her a lot. I also think she is a very strong woman but I also know that there is a very fine line between being strong and just being stupid.
Strong would be to pack our things and leave this house and never have to come back. Strong would be to tell him that he can't talk to her like that and saying 'no. I'm not waiting on your every need every moment of my life.'
But she won't ever do it. She will stay here while he slowly drowns her and she will sit and watch while he turns me into a horribly troubled woman and turns my brother into a controling misogynist just like him.
That is why I say with unequivical severity that I will never ever be like that. No man will talk to me like he talks to her. No man will ever make me wait on him hand and foot. No man will yell at me like that or throw things at me or hit me. And no man will ever have me so brainwashed that I won't know when enough is enough and pack my shit and leave.
These are all good things. They're normal things for a woman to want. Basic respect, really.
I get that from Justin. Justin does not treat me like my dad treats my mom at all. We argue sometimes, just like all couples. But most of the time it's not his problem. It's mine.
I tend to overreact. A lot. It usually starts the same way. He will say or do something that is not really mean or controlling at all. Something in normal conversation like 'I wouldn't like it if you did that' or he will forget to call me when he gets off work. But since I am so adamant that I will not be like my mother, I overreact. I guess I think that if I let him get away with something that it will just take baby steps until I am just like her.
So, I get mad on principal. My mom never gets mad at my dad. She never calls him on all the things he does or says. When he stays out until 3am on a weeknight, she doesn't say a word. Every second of her life is spent making sure that he is perfectly happy even when it means tiptoeing on eggshells only to end up pissing him off over nothing and then taking the brunt of his emotional abuse. I guess my theory is that if I get mad at Justin the baby steps will never be taken and it will never snowball into my parents' relationship.
I guess I never stop to think that comparing my father's actions to Justin's actions is like comparing apples to oranges. Actually, I do realize that. I just don't know how to stop.
So when I get mad, he gets mad because I'm mad over nothing. Then I get more mad because he's mad at me. I feel like he's getting mad for no reason when he should be apologizing (which is something my dad never does). Then he gets more mad. Then I realize what I'm doing and quickly apologize profusely and most of the time cry.
Then it starts to fester. My mom always apologizes profusely to my dad for no reason, just so he won't fly into a rage. I start to feel like that's what I did. It starts to boil over, I feel like I'm more like her than ever. This usually takes a few hours. In those few hours, Justin gets over the fight completely. Then I always bring it back up. I have to show that I'm not like her. So we start to argue again.
All of this because my mom can't just fucking leave. After so long, so many fights. Not arguments like me and Justin have, they have violent fights. Breaking windows and slamming doors and throwing shit and saying such horrible things about each other and even me.
I just feel like I need to get out of that house and be with the person that loves me. The only person who can make me believe that all of those things my dad has said about me are not true. The most important person in my life. And because of my parents, I hurt him. And I don't want to hurt him anymore.
But, I guess it's a vicious cycle I'm going to have to take hold of and make it stop before I lose the only person that saves me again everyday.