Comments | joancrawford: Me oh MY!

joancrawford

Me oh MY!

Apr 26, 2011 16:53

It's been so long, my adoring, WONderful fans! I was reminiscing about how I almost got that part in Gone With The Wind... you know, of that hopelessly spoiled whore, Scarlett? I was born for that role if you ask me. Wearing TWO, THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR DRESSES and SLAPPING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF MINORITIES while seducing every good looking and ( Read more... )

Comments 8

robby April 26 2011, 22:11:26 UTC

Liz Taylor's arrival was sure to stir up a nest of bees! You're back, and better than ever, forged by the eternal fires of hell!

joancrawford April 26 2011, 23:02:10 UTC

Oh Robert! It's been TOO long, hasn't it? I've been busy staging my comeback, and running 70 one-mile laps DAILY around my stately gardens! Or at least what's left of them...

Speaking of bloated wind-bags, I've felt Liz Taylor's presence hovering close to the edge of Oblivion for some time now, and I've been lying in wait. She steps through the portal, and I said, "Here... these have always brought ME luck!" and exploded into a cloud of bats and chased her through three levels of hell before her blood curdling screams began to bore me. Oh, I must think of something even better for Zsa Zsa Gabor! I reckon I don't have long!

How have YOU been, dear? Oh! And thank you for the thank you notes for the thank you notes for the birthday cards!
Love,
J.C.

robby April 26 2011, 23:34:33 UTC

Don't expect Zsa Zsa to actually step through the portal. Her legs have been surgically removed, so quite likely when she arrives, she'll skitter along in a snail-like manner. It's so nice to hear from the real Queen Of Hollywood. In your absence, I was following Lindsey Lohan, but her glamor fades with every additional stretch in the slammer.

_wwld_ January 17 2012, 13:00:44 UTC

LoSeR :) ref- results of what you get when you look in the mirror!

karmakanic May 3 2011, 07:35:26 UTC

Oh Joan, how I have missed you! I got drunk, lonely and horny a few weeks back and tried to summon your spirit through the use of a ouija board, and to my surprise, I managed to conjure that mongrel slut hack Betty Davis. Well, as you can imagine, I threw that ouija board into the fire and cast that no-talent harlot back into the 9th circle of damnation where she belongs. Good riddance!

P.S. I'm still horny.

joancrawford May 18 2011, 04:05:27 UTC

Oh dear, I am SO sorry to hear that! Next time, you should have a chunk of natural quartz crystal (I recommend quartz, as I would never waste a precious stone on something so common!) inside a Triangle of Art, so you can trap that no-talent bug-eyed ne'er-do-well into a beautiful pendant or perhaps even a book end! It's like I always said about Tina, if we can't make her pretty we may as well make her useful! Oh, and incidentally, I'm ALWAYS horny.

Love,
J.C.

tinacrawford May 18 2011, 04:21:47 UTC

Why, hello there, old friend. As you can imagine, after being in a coma for 4 years I'm raring to go ;-) My vag is so tight I just sucked in the seat of my towncar when I sat down.

YOU need a drink? tinacrawford May 18 2011, 04:19:35 UTC

LISTEN TO YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

YOU need a drink?! You had that nasty Dr. Conrad Murray put me into a coma 4 years ago, and now that you've ran out of Diprivan to keep me under, your fucked. You better hide, woman!! There isn't a stone in Brentwood that won't be unscathed, #YOUREEKOFIT!!