On The Outs With Everyone

[joelybean]

Title: On The Outs With Everyone
Series: n/a
Part: n/a
Author: joelybean
Band(s): Mest/Rancid... mentions of members of Good Charlotte and The Used
Pairing(s): Tony/Tim... Tony/Lars... Tony/Benji... Tony/Chelsea... Tony/Bert... Matt/Jeremiah... but really the story is about Tony
Rating: pg-13 or r
Warnings: slight mention of sex and violence...

Comments

[butter_brickle]

||Complete honesty ahead, beware|| *flashing lights and detour signs*

I think it's a great idea for a fic, Tony turning into a slut because he lost Benji, great plot. But I felt like this was more of an outline, just kind of notes jotted down to include in a fic. I'd really like to see it fleshed out, more body language explained between Matt and Tony or maybe more explanation of what's going on in Tony's head to complement the dialogue, or maybe just more dialogue between the two. It was a pretty deep conversation, touching on some very sensitive subject matter, but I just didn't get the emotional feel from it that I think it should have.

I love the pairings you've got going on, very original (although that's your forte, original pairings *g*.) Not that it's essential to the story, but it might be nice to see maybe little flashbacks or just more dialogue touching on Tony's past relationships, how they ended, how involved he was, etc.

Hope the feedback helped more than it hindered, and I think it's far from crap. :)

[joelybean]

THANK YOU!!! i absolutely loved your review... actually when i started to write it i was going to have it a lot more detailed and have flashbacks but this is how it came out... i will seriously consider rewriting and going into much more depth... once again THANK YOU

[butter_brickle]

*takes forever to get back to things, sorry*

I'm glad the review helped, I always cringe a little with complete honesty, but I like to get brutally honest reviews, too. I really do hope you continue working on this, because it's so worth it. :)

[joelybean]

i have been working on it a bit... i posted some of the re-worked piece but i'm still tinkering with it.

Hmm ~ponders~

[jeannieblue]

I like it a lot, as well. :) Honestly, I would have left it at my liking it, but Butter_Brickle has a point. If you're going to flesh it out, I think that there's almost too much going on in just this first chapter. Maybe you can focus on one major event per chapter. In other words: in your first chapter, focus on Tony's feelings as he looks in the mirror; Matt finding him and seeing the black eye; Tony confessing who gave him the black eye. Then, in chapter two, explore the Benji stuff. I think if your story is revolved around Benji and Tony splitting and the drastic effects this has on Tony....You need to give a good chapter's worth of material to WHY they split and what happened. If it's the pivotal moment for Tony, it should be pivotal in the story and not just mentioned in passing.

Does that make sense?

But yes, I like the idea and you know how I feel about Baby Lovato. ;)

[inpurity]

I really like this and I agree with butter_brickle and Jeannieblue, you could expand the plot making Benji's and Tony breakup the focal point around which you can unfold the other events, like Tony and Tim relationship and why Tony's is whoring himself for the sake of a lost love. I love your dialogues because they are never cheesy and you always give the characters their own peculiar voices. This a really really promising start and with your sensibility I am sure this story will be extremely beautiful.
xxx