Gone With The Wind and The Sound of Music Condensed
Sick of sitting through all 45 hours of Gone With The Wind? Read this!
Cast:
Scarlett O' Hara
Rhett Butler
Ashley Wilkes
Melanie Hamilton
Prissy
Yankee Soldier
With Special Appearances by:
Martha Stewart and Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls
Act 1
Scarlett O' Hara: *Comes into the party being given at Tara.* All this talk of war, war, war! This is a party!
Men: Marry me, Miss Scarlett?
Scarlett: Get lost!
*Meanwhile, in another corner of the room....*
Blanche: Well, I'm Blanche Deveraux, I'm.....24, and I can arch my back until my head touches the back of my knees.
Ashley: Well........
Scarlett: *Sees Blanche making passes at Ashley.* Oh get out of here, you 40 year old mattress!
Blanche: *Gasps, then stomps out.*
Scarlett: Ashley, I love you, I love you, I love you.....
Ashley: I'm marrying Melanie.
Scarlett. I hate your damn guts!
*Ashley walks out. Scarlett throws a vase and Rhett catches it.*
Scarlett: Who the Hell are you?
Rhett: I'm Captain Rhett Butler. *Sweeps Scarlett into his arms.* You should be kissed and often.
Ashley: It's WAR! *Melanie follows him, now married to him.*
*Rhett and Ashley leave.*
Scarlett and Melanie: Goodbye my darling Ashley!
Melanie: Why, how sweet and kind and thoughtful of you to worry about Ashley. I feel we can really be sisters.
Scarlett: *Stares blankly at Melanie.* Shove it up your ass.
Prissy: *Runs in screaming.* Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett!
Scarlett: *Slaps Prissy.* What is it?
Prissy: It's war, Miss Scarlett!
Melanie: Oh, I'm going to have a baby!
Prissy: I know lots and lots about birthing babies!
Melanie: Good, because I do believe I'm going to have it now.
Prissy: I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies!
Scarlett: *Slaps Prissy.*
*Everyone prepares to help Melanie have her baby, when Sherman starts burning Atlanta. Melanie is making the noises of having a baby, and Prissy keeps singing.*
Scarlett: As God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. And when it's.... *Sneers at Prissy trying to sing over Scarlett.* ....and when this war is over. I'll never go hungry again. If I have to lie, steat, cheal, and murder! If I have to make Hamburger Helper! I'll never go hungry again. And....I....WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP!
Act 2
Scarlett: Oh geez, this mansion looks awful!
Martha Stewart: *Pops up out of nowhere with camera crew.* Today, on Martha Stewart Living, we show you how just a few cheap changes can spice up your post war home on a post war budget.....first....
Scarlett: *Gets pistol and shoots them all. Melanie appears at the top of the staircase with a knife.*
Melanie: Scarlett, you killed them. I'm glad you killed them.
Scarlett: You, me, and the rest of the world.
Martha: *Jumps back up.* Then we show you how to protect yourself if you get shot....
Scarlett: *Shoots Martha in the head.*
Yankee Soldier: *Comes in.* You owe $300 in back taxes on Tara.
Scarlett: *Hits him on the head with a fry pan. Takes a curtain down and ties it around herself. Rhett comes in.*
Rhett: Scarlett! Marry me!
Scarlett: Yes!
Yankee Soldier: *Wakes up.* I'm a minister! I pronounce you husband and wife. Now, for the back taxes....
Rhett: *Pays him. Yankee Soldier walks out, then carries Scarlett upstairs kicking and screaming.*
Scarlett: Well, I WAS gonna object, but now I know you're a hunka hunka burnin' love. I'm yours!
Rhett: Not now, Scarlett, I'm pooped. *Goes into bedroom. Ashley comes out.*
Scarlett: Ashley, now that we're alone....I'm Mrs. Rhett Butlewr, now kiss the bride.
Rhett: *Comes out.* SO! I hate to interrupt this tender moment.
Scarlett: *Throws herself down stairs. Rhett and Ashley go downstairs. Melanie comes out and lies down on the staircase.*
Melanie: I hate to bother anyone. But I think I'm going to that Great Big Plantation In The Sky.
Ashley: *Runs up to be with her.* Melanie, you can't go!
Melanie: Ashley, I love you. I want to see Scarlett.
*Ashley goes down and Scarlett goes up.*
Scarlett: Yes, Melly?
Melanie: You've been a sister to me. Now I want to show you how I really feel. *Punches Scarlett in the face. Scarlett falls back down the stairs.* Now I can die happy. *Dies.*
Ashley: She's gone, she gone gone gone.
Scarlett: You really really really really loved her.
Ashley: *Crying* Yes, I really really really really loved her, and now she's gone gone gone gone. And I'm gone. *Goes.*
Scarlett: Rhett.....
Rhett: I'm leaving you.
Scarlett: But where shall I go, what shall I do?
Rhett: *At the door.* Frankly my dear, I don't gi.....
Scarlett: *Slams the door in his face.* What'll I do without him? What'll I do, what'll I do, what'll I do, what'll I do....
*Prissy comes in and slaps her.*
Prissy: Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit.
*Cue Tara Theme.*
The End.
The Sound of Music: Short Version (Well, ok, not THAT short.)
ACT I
SCENE 1
Maria: *Twirls on top of hill, singing.* The hills are aliiiiiveeee... *Trips and falls down hill.* Oh, shit.
SCENE 2
Nun 1: Where is Maria?
Nun 2: That darling child must be off singing somewhere.
Nun 1: Darling child, my ass! She's a boil on out unused vaginas.
Nun 2: Why, you miserable bitch!
Mother Superior: Ok, ok, shut up!
Maria: *Runs in, sees the sisters looking at her>* Oh, shit.
SCENE 3
Maria: *Runs into Mother Superior's office*
MS: It is the will of God that you leave.
Maria: But....but....
Mother Superior: No buts! We're sick of you, so we're sticking you with a Captain with a rather large tree up his rear and his thirteen children.
Offstage Voice: Seven children.
MS: That's what I said.
Maria: Oh, shit.
SCENE 4:
Maria: So, this is where this Captian and his 22...
Offstage Voice: Seven.
Maria: .....SEVEN children live.
Captain: Hi. I'm Captain Von Trapp. I have a rather large tree up my ass. But you'll eventually remove it and we'll marry and you'll be the mother of my fourteen....
Offstage Voice: SEVEN!
Captain: ......seven children. But for now, I'm going to be mean. *Calls for children on whistle. Children march down.* Ok, get to know them. I must leave and think about Captainly things, like that Baroness in Vienna I'm going to be boning by this time tomorrow. *Exits.*
Liesl: I'm Liesl. I'm 16. I don't need a governness. I do, however, need birth control, as my loverboy will probably deliver a telegram, and, well, who knows what could happen?
Friedrich: I'm Friedrich. I'm 14. I'm really boring.
Louisa: I'm Brigitta.
Brigitta: FUCK no, bitch! I'm Brigitta. And that bitch posing as me is Louisa. She's 13. I'm 10. DAMN, that dress is fucking UGLY!
Maria: Well, I gave my clothes to the poor when I entered the convent.
Brigitta: I guess they weren't desperate enough for that dress.
Kurt: Brigitta, stop being a bitch. Not like these uniforms are fashionable. But maybe Fraulein Mariah will make us playclothes out of those old drapes.....oh, shit. Anywho, I'm 10. I'm the cutest boy.
Marta: I'm Marta. I'll be seven on Tuesday. I'm not really that interesting either.
Gretl: Oh, shut up, I'm the cute one here! I'm Gretl, and I'm 5. Love me!
SCENE 5
Liesl: *Runs into Maria's room.* You won't tell Dad that me and Rolf were having sex in the greenhouse, will you?
Maria: Ewwww! That is not Godly! But I won't tell.
Thunderstorm: BOOM! CRASH!
Children: We're scared! But the boys won't admit it!
Maria: Well, let's think of happy things, like rainbows, and ice cream, and Orlando Bloom completely naked covered in hot oil and chocolate sauce.
Children: Huh?
Captain: Why are you all in here? Go to bed! *Children exit.* Fraulein, you're doing a really crappy job.
Maria: Oh, shit. Ok, what about playclothes?
Captain: HAH! I am not ordering materials. Make them out of those drapes......I mean....oh, shit. Just.....NO PLAYCLOTHES! *Exit*
Maria: *Snarky grin.*
SCENE 6
Maria: Isn't it nice to do what you like?
Liesl: Father will kill us when he finds out we're wearing your old drapes.
Kurt: I look so adorable.
Gretl: Bitch, please.
Maria: Ok, let's sing a song now!
Friedrich: We don't know how to sing, even though you sang to us in the last scene.
Louisa: I'm Brigitta!
Brigitta: That shit is so last scene.
Later.....
Maria: Ok, we're home now, and your father, some slimy old man, and some hot chick are seeing us in our playclothes!
Captain: Oh my god! Go change your clothes, children! Fraulein, you're fired!
Maria: Oh, shit!
Children: *Start singing*
Maria: *Removes tree from Captain's ass.*
Captain: *Sings with the children.*
SCENE 7
Maria: Here I am at the party the Captain is throwing for the hot chick he doesn't really love.
Kurt: Will you show me how to do that dance? Even though my dad will cut in so you two can realize that you love each other.....wait.....oh, shit!
Captain: May I dance with you, Fraulein?
Captain and Maria: *Dance*
Maria: I just realized I'm in love with you. I must leave. Nuns aren't allowed to be married! Oh, shit! *Runs away*
ACT II
SCENE 1
Children: We're so depressed without Maria.
Uncle Max: Sing anyway. You brats are my meal ticket.
Captain: My children don't sing in public.
Max: When did that tree go back in your ass?
Captain: I accidentally sat on it when Maria left, and she's the only one who knows how to remove it.
SCENE 2
Children: We want to see Maria!
Nun: And I want to get laid.
Children: *Walk away sadly*
SCENE 3
Mother Superior: Maria, God wants you to marry the Captain. Not to mention all of us so that you'll be gone for good.
Maria: But I want to be a nun, damnit!
MS: Tough shit. Cliiimb evvverryyy mountaaaaiiiiinnnnn....
Maria: Ok, I'll go if you promise to quit singing!
Later
Children: IT'S MARIA, SHE'S BACK!
Maria: Yes, I'm back, but I'm going to pretend that I'll leave again.
Children: *Sad faces*
Maria: I said PRETEND!
Children: *Happy faces*
Hot chick: You obviously want her. Besides, you don't need my money. Bye! *Leaves*
Captain and Maria: Let's get married!
SCENE 4
Captain: Oh, shit! They're making me serve for Hitler!
Maria: Well, we can sneak out after we sing at that festival tonight!
Captain: My children do not sing in public!
Maria: Oh, I almost forgot! *Removes tree from Captain's ass.*
Captain: So, what should we wear for the festival?
SCENE 5
Mother Superior: Oh shit, she's back! And she's come with her 45....
Offstage Voice: SEVEN, YOU STUPID BITCH!
All: WHATEVER!
MS: Ok, I'll hide you all. Hide in the cemeteries up there.
They all run off.
Soldier: Where are they?
MS: In the cemeteries up there.
Soldier: *Goes up there.* Ok, come on out!
Captain, Children, Maria: *Sneak off.*
Soldier: Oh, shit!
SCENE 6
Liesl: I hate climbing mountains.
Friedrich: I hate not having any lines.
Louisa: I hate my name. WHY CAN'T I BE LOUISA INSTEAD OF BRIGITTA?
Brigitta: I hate Louisa.
Kurt: I hate being the only other boy.
Marta: I hate broccoli.
Gretl: Fuck you all. I'm the shit!
Maria: *Twirls* THE HIIILS ARE ALIIIIVE!
All: WHAT?!
Offstage Choir: CLIIIIMB EVERRRRY MOUNTAAAAAAIN!
All: SHUT UP!
THE END
Cast:
Scarlett O' Hara
Rhett Butler
Ashley Wilkes
Melanie Hamilton
Prissy
Yankee Soldier
With Special Appearances by:
Martha Stewart and Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls
Act 1
Scarlett O' Hara: *Comes into the party being given at Tara.* All this talk of war, war, war! This is a party!
Men: Marry me, Miss Scarlett?
Scarlett: Get lost!
*Meanwhile, in another corner of the room....*
Blanche: Well, I'm Blanche Deveraux, I'm.....24, and I can arch my back until my head touches the back of my knees.
Ashley: Well........
Scarlett: *Sees Blanche making passes at Ashley.* Oh get out of here, you 40 year old mattress!
Blanche: *Gasps, then stomps out.*
Scarlett: Ashley, I love you, I love you, I love you.....
Ashley: I'm marrying Melanie.
Scarlett. I hate your damn guts!
*Ashley walks out. Scarlett throws a vase and Rhett catches it.*
Scarlett: Who the Hell are you?
Rhett: I'm Captain Rhett Butler. *Sweeps Scarlett into his arms.* You should be kissed and often.
Ashley: It's WAR! *Melanie follows him, now married to him.*
*Rhett and Ashley leave.*
Scarlett and Melanie: Goodbye my darling Ashley!
Melanie: Why, how sweet and kind and thoughtful of you to worry about Ashley. I feel we can really be sisters.
Scarlett: *Stares blankly at Melanie.* Shove it up your ass.
Prissy: *Runs in screaming.* Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett!
Scarlett: *Slaps Prissy.* What is it?
Prissy: It's war, Miss Scarlett!
Melanie: Oh, I'm going to have a baby!
Prissy: I know lots and lots about birthing babies!
Melanie: Good, because I do believe I'm going to have it now.
Prissy: I don't know nothing bout birthin' no babies!
Scarlett: *Slaps Prissy.*
*Everyone prepares to help Melanie have her baby, when Sherman starts burning Atlanta. Melanie is making the noises of having a baby, and Prissy keeps singing.*
Scarlett: As God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. And when it's.... *Sneers at Prissy trying to sing over Scarlett.* ....and when this war is over. I'll never go hungry again. If I have to lie, steat, cheal, and murder! If I have to make Hamburger Helper! I'll never go hungry again. And....I....WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP!
Act 2
Scarlett: Oh geez, this mansion looks awful!
Martha Stewart: *Pops up out of nowhere with camera crew.* Today, on Martha Stewart Living, we show you how just a few cheap changes can spice up your post war home on a post war budget.....first....
Scarlett: *Gets pistol and shoots them all. Melanie appears at the top of the staircase with a knife.*
Melanie: Scarlett, you killed them. I'm glad you killed them.
Scarlett: You, me, and the rest of the world.
Martha: *Jumps back up.* Then we show you how to protect yourself if you get shot....
Scarlett: *Shoots Martha in the head.*
Yankee Soldier: *Comes in.* You owe $300 in back taxes on Tara.
Scarlett: *Hits him on the head with a fry pan. Takes a curtain down and ties it around herself. Rhett comes in.*
Rhett: Scarlett! Marry me!
Scarlett: Yes!
Yankee Soldier: *Wakes up.* I'm a minister! I pronounce you husband and wife. Now, for the back taxes....
Rhett: *Pays him. Yankee Soldier walks out, then carries Scarlett upstairs kicking and screaming.*
Scarlett: Well, I WAS gonna object, but now I know you're a hunka hunka burnin' love. I'm yours!
Rhett: Not now, Scarlett, I'm pooped. *Goes into bedroom. Ashley comes out.*
Scarlett: Ashley, now that we're alone....I'm Mrs. Rhett Butlewr, now kiss the bride.
Rhett: *Comes out.* SO! I hate to interrupt this tender moment.
Scarlett: *Throws herself down stairs. Rhett and Ashley go downstairs. Melanie comes out and lies down on the staircase.*
Melanie: I hate to bother anyone. But I think I'm going to that Great Big Plantation In The Sky.
Ashley: *Runs up to be with her.* Melanie, you can't go!
Melanie: Ashley, I love you. I want to see Scarlett.
*Ashley goes down and Scarlett goes up.*
Scarlett: Yes, Melly?
Melanie: You've been a sister to me. Now I want to show you how I really feel. *Punches Scarlett in the face. Scarlett falls back down the stairs.* Now I can die happy. *Dies.*
Ashley: She's gone, she gone gone gone.
Scarlett: You really really really really loved her.
Ashley: *Crying* Yes, I really really really really loved her, and now she's gone gone gone gone. And I'm gone. *Goes.*
Scarlett: Rhett.....
Rhett: I'm leaving you.
Scarlett: But where shall I go, what shall I do?
Rhett: *At the door.* Frankly my dear, I don't gi.....
Scarlett: *Slams the door in his face.* What'll I do without him? What'll I do, what'll I do, what'll I do, what'll I do....
*Prissy comes in and slaps her.*
Prissy: Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit.
*Cue Tara Theme.*
The End.
The Sound of Music: Short Version (Well, ok, not THAT short.)
ACT I
SCENE 1
Maria: *Twirls on top of hill, singing.* The hills are aliiiiiveeee... *Trips and falls down hill.* Oh, shit.
SCENE 2
Nun 1: Where is Maria?
Nun 2: That darling child must be off singing somewhere.
Nun 1: Darling child, my ass! She's a boil on out unused vaginas.
Nun 2: Why, you miserable bitch!
Mother Superior: Ok, ok, shut up!
Maria: *Runs in, sees the sisters looking at her>* Oh, shit.
SCENE 3
Maria: *Runs into Mother Superior's office*
MS: It is the will of God that you leave.
Maria: But....but....
Mother Superior: No buts! We're sick of you, so we're sticking you with a Captain with a rather large tree up his rear and his thirteen children.
Offstage Voice: Seven children.
MS: That's what I said.
Maria: Oh, shit.
SCENE 4:
Maria: So, this is where this Captian and his 22...
Offstage Voice: Seven.
Maria: .....SEVEN children live.
Captain: Hi. I'm Captain Von Trapp. I have a rather large tree up my ass. But you'll eventually remove it and we'll marry and you'll be the mother of my fourteen....
Offstage Voice: SEVEN!
Captain: ......seven children. But for now, I'm going to be mean. *Calls for children on whistle. Children march down.* Ok, get to know them. I must leave and think about Captainly things, like that Baroness in Vienna I'm going to be boning by this time tomorrow. *Exits.*
Liesl: I'm Liesl. I'm 16. I don't need a governness. I do, however, need birth control, as my loverboy will probably deliver a telegram, and, well, who knows what could happen?
Friedrich: I'm Friedrich. I'm 14. I'm really boring.
Louisa: I'm Brigitta.
Brigitta: FUCK no, bitch! I'm Brigitta. And that bitch posing as me is Louisa. She's 13. I'm 10. DAMN, that dress is fucking UGLY!
Maria: Well, I gave my clothes to the poor when I entered the convent.
Brigitta: I guess they weren't desperate enough for that dress.
Kurt: Brigitta, stop being a bitch. Not like these uniforms are fashionable. But maybe Fraulein Mariah will make us playclothes out of those old drapes.....oh, shit. Anywho, I'm 10. I'm the cutest boy.
Marta: I'm Marta. I'll be seven on Tuesday. I'm not really that interesting either.
Gretl: Oh, shut up, I'm the cute one here! I'm Gretl, and I'm 5. Love me!
SCENE 5
Liesl: *Runs into Maria's room.* You won't tell Dad that me and Rolf were having sex in the greenhouse, will you?
Maria: Ewwww! That is not Godly! But I won't tell.
Thunderstorm: BOOM! CRASH!
Children: We're scared! But the boys won't admit it!
Maria: Well, let's think of happy things, like rainbows, and ice cream, and Orlando Bloom completely naked covered in hot oil and chocolate sauce.
Children: Huh?
Captain: Why are you all in here? Go to bed! *Children exit.* Fraulein, you're doing a really crappy job.
Maria: Oh, shit. Ok, what about playclothes?
Captain: HAH! I am not ordering materials. Make them out of those drapes......I mean....oh, shit. Just.....NO PLAYCLOTHES! *Exit*
Maria: *Snarky grin.*
SCENE 6
Maria: Isn't it nice to do what you like?
Liesl: Father will kill us when he finds out we're wearing your old drapes.
Kurt: I look so adorable.
Gretl: Bitch, please.
Maria: Ok, let's sing a song now!
Friedrich: We don't know how to sing, even though you sang to us in the last scene.
Louisa: I'm Brigitta!
Brigitta: That shit is so last scene.
Later.....
Maria: Ok, we're home now, and your father, some slimy old man, and some hot chick are seeing us in our playclothes!
Captain: Oh my god! Go change your clothes, children! Fraulein, you're fired!
Maria: Oh, shit!
Children: *Start singing*
Maria: *Removes tree from Captain's ass.*
Captain: *Sings with the children.*
SCENE 7
Maria: Here I am at the party the Captain is throwing for the hot chick he doesn't really love.
Kurt: Will you show me how to do that dance? Even though my dad will cut in so you two can realize that you love each other.....wait.....oh, shit!
Captain: May I dance with you, Fraulein?
Captain and Maria: *Dance*
Maria: I just realized I'm in love with you. I must leave. Nuns aren't allowed to be married! Oh, shit! *Runs away*
ACT II
SCENE 1
Children: We're so depressed without Maria.
Uncle Max: Sing anyway. You brats are my meal ticket.
Captain: My children don't sing in public.
Max: When did that tree go back in your ass?
Captain: I accidentally sat on it when Maria left, and she's the only one who knows how to remove it.
SCENE 2
Children: We want to see Maria!
Nun: And I want to get laid.
Children: *Walk away sadly*
SCENE 3
Mother Superior: Maria, God wants you to marry the Captain. Not to mention all of us so that you'll be gone for good.
Maria: But I want to be a nun, damnit!
MS: Tough shit. Cliiimb evvverryyy mountaaaaiiiiinnnnn....
Maria: Ok, I'll go if you promise to quit singing!
Later
Children: IT'S MARIA, SHE'S BACK!
Maria: Yes, I'm back, but I'm going to pretend that I'll leave again.
Children: *Sad faces*
Maria: I said PRETEND!
Children: *Happy faces*
Hot chick: You obviously want her. Besides, you don't need my money. Bye! *Leaves*
Captain and Maria: Let's get married!
SCENE 4
Captain: Oh, shit! They're making me serve for Hitler!
Maria: Well, we can sneak out after we sing at that festival tonight!
Captain: My children do not sing in public!
Maria: Oh, I almost forgot! *Removes tree from Captain's ass.*
Captain: So, what should we wear for the festival?
SCENE 5
Mother Superior: Oh shit, she's back! And she's come with her 45....
Offstage Voice: SEVEN, YOU STUPID BITCH!
All: WHATEVER!
MS: Ok, I'll hide you all. Hide in the cemeteries up there.
They all run off.
Soldier: Where are they?
MS: In the cemeteries up there.
Soldier: *Goes up there.* Ok, come on out!
Captain, Children, Maria: *Sneak off.*
Soldier: Oh, shit!
SCENE 6
Liesl: I hate climbing mountains.
Friedrich: I hate not having any lines.
Louisa: I hate my name. WHY CAN'T I BE LOUISA INSTEAD OF BRIGITTA?
Brigitta: I hate Louisa.
Kurt: I hate being the only other boy.
Marta: I hate broccoli.
Gretl: Fuck you all. I'm the shit!
Maria: *Twirls* THE HIIILS ARE ALIIIIVE!
All: WHAT?!
Offstage Choir: CLIIIIMB EVERRRRY MOUNTAAAAAAIN!
All: SHUT UP!
THE END