The end...
That handshake line was hard hard hard, because every face I saw I knew and after the 5th murmur of sympathy I just wanted to SCREAM. I mean, right, is very nice of them. But is not what I wanted right then.
I also did get three - three! - offers to stay with Flames. Andy and Kipper and Dono...Shean is the one who surprised me the most, because - well, Andy and Kip are ex-lovers, and not that Dono and I have not fooled around a little, but it was not at all serious like the others. But he always was a great guy so I should not be TOO surprised. Brett told me to come to Detroit, too. But to all due respect to those guys, the last two places in the WORLD I want to be now are Calgary or Detroit for their series.
And also anyhow I have to stay in Vancouver until June, when my daughters get out of school. People forget I am doing the single-parent thing with no family at all in this country or even this continent so it is a little hard. But now I get to concentrate on them because I owe them a lot of time.
I am kind of taking this a little hard. Is not the series end really - quite frankly if we HAD to lose I am glad it was the FLAMES anyhow - but just...I am sort of scared for my future. Really scared actually. I am not sure I have much chance of staying with Canucks, my contract is up, and they have not spoken of a new one. And that, that is very upsetting. I really truly love this locker room...and it kills me that the locker room cleanout, you know, could be last time I see this group of guys.
To my teammates - you have been amazing and spectacular and everything all rolled into one. Even through the adversity at the end, with Bert and with the goalie thing and EVERYTHING you guys have been awesome. And I do not want to leave but I think I might have to, is out of my hands. And it is a testament to how much I trust you that I can even share my thoughts about what I think of Crawford because I know none of you will use that as excuse to break up the locker room. You will never hear a complaint out of my mouth but here, on writing, I guess is my only way and I really thank you guys for being supportive.
And just...okay, so maybe I do not end up with Canucks. They do not offer me contract. What if NOBODY does? Normally I would not be so worried but is lockout year. And people will want to stick with their number ones and bring in their young guys for the shortened year as backups, and where does that leave me?
I am really scared that I will not have NHL work next year. And I refuse, REFUSE to go to AHL, I have spent too many fucking years riding buses. I did not make it into this league until 28...about 3.5 years in this league. Is not enough. I want more...and I could find work anywhere below NHL level, in AHL or SEL or whatever, but is not what I want. I cannot ride buses all over any country while my daughters are abandoned because Pernilla has deserted them and I have no family and I refuse to desert them, too.
Anyhow if I did not secure NHL work next year I would probably just retire, and that sucks. I mean, most people would be envious I guess, I have made smart investments and I have inheritance that was left to me and the goalie store is doing really great business - I could start branching out, hell, in Sweden and maybe further, Finland, Canada - become president of my own big corporation instead of the one store I own now. But I was not looking forward to managing employees and doing books on a constant basis until OVER 35...so I do not know.
And then, you know, this concern over my future leads to stupid concerns like being alone the rest of my life and the whole yards, and whatever, I need to stop thinking of it. I just cannot help thinking if I had just done well in the playoffs things would be different...but whatever, whatever.
In any case I will be home until sometime in June if anyone wants to come over, because right now my life revolves around parenting and cleaning and sleep. Call first though, I could be at gym or at yoga class or what have you. If you are really lucky when you call I could be in the middle of a cooking show (yes I am one of those people who tapes cooking shows and makes the food, thanks) and I will be making something yummy.