Fic: Chaff and Grain
Title: Chaff and Grain
Author:
tassosss
Recipient:
wildcat88
Characters: John, Teyla,
Rating: PG
Words: ~2000
Spoilers: Season 4, set after the finale but unspoiled for season 5
Notes: the prompt was "misunderstanding, dependence, defend, share." I hope I did it justice. Thanks go to
fryadvocate for a very last minute beta.
Summary: With the arrival of her son, everything changes for Teyla, and change is never easy.
“Teyla!” John strides down the corridor. It is not a welcome sight as Teyla leaves her quarters. She has just gotten her son to sleep and was looking forward to a few minutes of peace on the balcony before he woke. She holds in a sigh at the purposeful gait he keeps as he draws closer. It does not bode well.
“I just came from Carter’s office.” He stops a few feet away and crosses his arms.
“Oh?” Teyla begins walking to the balcony doors. She can guess where this is heading and doesn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of the hall.
“Yes.” In two long strides John catches up to her. Until they're outside, he doesn't even look at her, then when it comes, he doesn't hold back. “You're leaving.”
Atlantis splays out before her, sharp spires that contrast the calm of the ocean. It is late afternoon and the sun is just beginning to turn the horizon gold.
“Yes.” She breathes deep and lets in the salt of the air. Only then does she turn to face him. “It is for the best. Tegan will be better for having all of my attention and we will be with my people. I don't want him growing up not knowing them.”
John's arms cross as he shifts forward. He’s glaring at her, dark and unhappy. “When?”
“Two days.” The sooner the better she decided would be best for all of them.
“And when exactly were you planning on telling me?” John’s glare is icy, and Teyla bristles because she was going to tell him as a courtesy to the team. She just hadn't figured out when or had the time to ask for five minutes of John’s and that was the whole problem to begin with. Teyla is exhausted and hasn't had a minute to herself that she hasn’t spent sleeping and John just barged in demanding answers to questions he isn't entitled to ask. She informed Carter. She was going to inform the team in her own time.
Some of this must show on her face because John speaks before she does. “Great. Well I'm glad I rated at least a memo. Glad we mean so much to you that you're dropping us without a second glance.” His arms drop and the anger Teyla can feel radiating off of him that serves to fuel her own because that is not fair, coming from him.
“I didn’t think you would notice.” She takes a step closer because she is not going to let him think she will be cowed by his self-righteousness. “We have barely spoken in weeks.”
“You haven’t been around!”
“I have an infant who needs my constant care. An infant none of you want to be around.”
“That is not true. We’re respecting your space! Space you seem to want.” John takes another step forward, brow drawn together.
Teyla stares him down. “That’s a pretty way to say you’ve been avoiding me. You have no idea how I am even doing.”
“The last time I asked, you said were fine.” His head tilts, daring her to deny it.
“The last time you asked me,” Teyla feels the words roll harshly on her tongue, “was hours before we went to one of Michael’s bases. You would have pulled me from the mission had I said anything else.”
John’s quiet for a moment, jaw clenching at this news. “You're damn right I would have. If you are anything but ‘fine’ you are a liability and you put the rest of us at risk. In that kind of tactical situation that is unacceptable.”
“Then it is good for all involved that I know my limitations.”
John scoffs. “No, you don’t.” He twists away, humorless smile raking her over her disdainfully. “I know you, and you think you can do anything. Granted, you're not often wrong, but you don't know when to leave well enough alone and apparently that extends to taking care of yourself.”
It stings. It stings in part because Teyla sees the truth she’s already wrestled with in her decision to leave.
“You can rest assured that I have learned my lesson.” But she’s not going to admit to him how close to bone his words cut. Not when he’s speaking to her as one speaks to a child.
“Looks more like running away to me.”
“It's not like I have another choice in the matter.” Her anger burns bright because she has already been left behind. “I can't be a part of this mission and raise my child at the same time.”
“Why not?” John throws his arms out wide, exasperated as if it were a simple matter to fix. “Because you can't swallow your pride and ask for help?”
“And who would I ask to help me? The team? You have too many responsibilities you already don't have enough time for. The scientists who do not sleep or eat regularly. The soldiers? There is no one with the time or the inclination and I won't have him passed from person to person as if he were some unwanted stray.”
“He's not unwanted.” John huffs impatiently. “And you didn't even ask me, so how do you know what I would have said. Or Ronon or Rodney for that matter.”
Teyla stares, unwilling to believe he is so oblivious. “You have made your feelings quite clear on the matter, and I will not force on you what you are unwilling to give.”
“You didn't even ask!”
“What is the point when Rodney hates children, a fact he never fails to remind me of as if I would forget - “
“Yeah, but that's just Rodney being -”
“Ronon fears he will drop him,” Teyla continues over him, “and while he is better help, he still quite clearly would rather be elsewhere. And you.” Teyla’s voice rises. “You won't even hold him.”
“I -” His protest is loud but the angry edge gives way to one of confusion. It is so John to not even understand. . .
“You didn't come to his first rite of childhood.” Her voice cracks because that had been the deepest betrayal of them all. She had thought that at least John would want to see this life she had made, hold him, care for him as he had once promised. He hadn’t been there, had wheedled his way out of it with Rodney and only Ronon had stood with her and Alyns.
“Wait.” John squints, thinking. “That godfather thing? I was there.”
His casual tone only it makes it worse. “You left before the Naming.” Teyla crosses her arms and lifts her chin. “You and Rodney.”
“We were called back to Atlantis.”
“For a problem that didn't need your attention.”
John's eyes widen as though he suddenly understood her implication. “You think we skipped out?”
“What am I supposed to think?” Teyla glares because if he was too stupid to not understand, then he hadn’t cared enough to pay attention when she told him how important it was to her that he be there. “I asked you to stand with me.”
“I thought it was a reception thing.” John looks lost, and Teyla can’t help but feel a perverse satisfaction in it even as part of her screams, how could he not know?
“Where did you get that idea?”
John shrugs sheepishly. “Rodney.” It makes Teyla want to deck him. “The day was all about Alyns anyway.”
“The Naming,” her teeth grind against each other, “is for the whole family.”
She keeps the anger close like a blanket in the silence that falls with her words. John swallows hard, devastated.
“Oh.” The sound drops softly between them. Teyla holds herself tighter and looks away while John stares at her, his anger gone now. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The ocean is desolate and seems to reach forever. The sky has deepened to purple and the sun streaks orange through the clouds. It's as empty as Teyla feels when her own fury leaks away, leaving her feeling just as exposed.
“Teyla.”
But she doesn’t look at him. “It doesn't matter.”
“Yes,” he steps closer, “it does. And I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m so sorry.”
Teyla finally glances over and offers what she can in a terse smile. “It is all right.” She knows these things happen, even if it doesn’t make them hurt less.
“You should have kicked my ass on the sparring mat.”
She had thought about it, but, “I couldn’t. Not if you really -“
“Teyla. I - You - I -” John’s lips are thin and pained. He looks away, but Teyla doesn’t fill in the rest. She’s spent the last week exhausted and scared and so alone. “I would have been there.” The words come fast as if he can't let them get away, and since this is John they very well might. “Don't think I don't want you here. That I don’t . . .care. I do. You mean . . .” His eyes plead for her to get it before he has to say it, and Teyla does. She steps closer and John’s forehead comes down to meet hers, solid and warm. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me, too.”
“I just . . . when he looks at me it’s like he’s seeing right through me.” She hears his smile, soft and close. They're breathing each other’s air.
“Me, too.” It's barely a whisper.
“It’s -”
“Terrifying.” Every time she looks at her son, she feels her breath catch for an instant in a moment of not believing he’s hers. That this little life is depending on her for everything. She’s so scared that she’ll let him down.
The sun sets and in the shadow formed between them night has fallen. No doubt, she’ll be hearing cries through her radio soon.
John takes a breath and holds it a second longer than necessary.
“Stay.”
But Teyla doesn’t think she can. She can’t be everything her son needs if she stays.
“We’ll make it work.” John pulls back from her shaking head. “We’ll find babysitters. Set up a schedule. I bet Rodney would even -”
“John.”
He falls silent, lost again. “You know you’re dooming us to catastrophe. We’ll start some war because Rodney will insult a princess or I won’t pay attention or Ronon will eat someone’s pet again.” Teyla smiles, heartfelt this time. “I’ll go crazy and kill Rodney with a fork at dinner. Ronon will probably kill me without you to beat some sense into him. And me.”
“You’ll be fine.” She stops his protest with a hand on his chest. “I know you, John. You don't need me to keep Atlantis running.”
“Maybe I can run it without you, but that doesn’t mean I want to.” He smiles, just a twist of his lips, and Teyla takes his hand in hers.
“I need to do this, I think. I can’t keep on as I have been, but it won't be forever. A few months maybe. I believe Doctor Keller called it maternity leave. I have been resisting because Michael is still out there and I can't, couldn’t let it go.” She looks up him, but his features are hard to see in the fading light. “You would have been right to ground me on our last mission.”
John nods and squeezes her hand. “We’ll find him.” It’s a promise. One Teyla knows they’ll keep together.
With one last squeeze, she drops his hand. It’s time to go back in. “You’ll come visit us.”
She hears the first signs of her little monster waking up.
“Yeah.” John turns with her, and that’s a promise, too. “If I’m willing to die for you I guess I’d also better be willing to change diapers.”
"Yes.” She laughs, and John bumps her shoulder. “You could learn now?”
John quirks an eyebrow at her. “Okay.” He blows out a breath. “Just remember this when Carter needs you to come rescue our asses.”
It’s dark outside now. The city lights up behind them. Teyla has a sleepless night ahead after a long day, but she’s not alone.
---
" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb
Author:
tassosss
Recipient:
wildcat88
Characters: John, Teyla,
Rating: PG
Words: ~2000
Spoilers: Season 4, set after the finale but unspoiled for season 5
Notes: the prompt was "misunderstanding, dependence, defend, share." I hope I did it justice. Thanks go to
fryadvocate for a very last minute beta.
Summary: With the arrival of her son, everything changes for Teyla, and change is never easy.
“Teyla!” John strides down the corridor. It is not a welcome sight as Teyla leaves her quarters. She has just gotten her son to sleep and was looking forward to a few minutes of peace on the balcony before he woke. She holds in a sigh at the purposeful gait he keeps as he draws closer. It does not bode well.
“I just came from Carter’s office.” He stops a few feet away and crosses his arms.
“Oh?” Teyla begins walking to the balcony doors. She can guess where this is heading and doesn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of the hall.
“Yes.” In two long strides John catches up to her. Until they're outside, he doesn't even look at her, then when it comes, he doesn't hold back. “You're leaving.”
Atlantis splays out before her, sharp spires that contrast the calm of the ocean. It is late afternoon and the sun is just beginning to turn the horizon gold.
“Yes.” She breathes deep and lets in the salt of the air. Only then does she turn to face him. “It is for the best. Tegan will be better for having all of my attention and we will be with my people. I don't want him growing up not knowing them.”
John's arms cross as he shifts forward. He’s glaring at her, dark and unhappy. “When?”
“Two days.” The sooner the better she decided would be best for all of them.
“And when exactly were you planning on telling me?” John’s glare is icy, and Teyla bristles because she was going to tell him as a courtesy to the team. She just hadn't figured out when or had the time to ask for five minutes of John’s and that was the whole problem to begin with. Teyla is exhausted and hasn't had a minute to herself that she hasn’t spent sleeping and John just barged in demanding answers to questions he isn't entitled to ask. She informed Carter. She was going to inform the team in her own time.
Some of this must show on her face because John speaks before she does. “Great. Well I'm glad I rated at least a memo. Glad we mean so much to you that you're dropping us without a second glance.” His arms drop and the anger Teyla can feel radiating off of him that serves to fuel her own because that is not fair, coming from him.
“I didn’t think you would notice.” She takes a step closer because she is not going to let him think she will be cowed by his self-righteousness. “We have barely spoken in weeks.”
“You haven’t been around!”
“I have an infant who needs my constant care. An infant none of you want to be around.”
“That is not true. We’re respecting your space! Space you seem to want.” John takes another step forward, brow drawn together.
Teyla stares him down. “That’s a pretty way to say you’ve been avoiding me. You have no idea how I am even doing.”
“The last time I asked, you said were fine.” His head tilts, daring her to deny it.
“The last time you asked me,” Teyla feels the words roll harshly on her tongue, “was hours before we went to one of Michael’s bases. You would have pulled me from the mission had I said anything else.”
John’s quiet for a moment, jaw clenching at this news. “You're damn right I would have. If you are anything but ‘fine’ you are a liability and you put the rest of us at risk. In that kind of tactical situation that is unacceptable.”
“Then it is good for all involved that I know my limitations.”
John scoffs. “No, you don’t.” He twists away, humorless smile raking her over her disdainfully. “I know you, and you think you can do anything. Granted, you're not often wrong, but you don't know when to leave well enough alone and apparently that extends to taking care of yourself.”
It stings. It stings in part because Teyla sees the truth she’s already wrestled with in her decision to leave.
“You can rest assured that I have learned my lesson.” But she’s not going to admit to him how close to bone his words cut. Not when he’s speaking to her as one speaks to a child.
“Looks more like running away to me.”
“It's not like I have another choice in the matter.” Her anger burns bright because she has already been left behind. “I can't be a part of this mission and raise my child at the same time.”
“Why not?” John throws his arms out wide, exasperated as if it were a simple matter to fix. “Because you can't swallow your pride and ask for help?”
“And who would I ask to help me? The team? You have too many responsibilities you already don't have enough time for. The scientists who do not sleep or eat regularly. The soldiers? There is no one with the time or the inclination and I won't have him passed from person to person as if he were some unwanted stray.”
“He's not unwanted.” John huffs impatiently. “And you didn't even ask me, so how do you know what I would have said. Or Ronon or Rodney for that matter.”
Teyla stares, unwilling to believe he is so oblivious. “You have made your feelings quite clear on the matter, and I will not force on you what you are unwilling to give.”
“You didn't even ask!”
“What is the point when Rodney hates children, a fact he never fails to remind me of as if I would forget - “
“Yeah, but that's just Rodney being -”
“Ronon fears he will drop him,” Teyla continues over him, “and while he is better help, he still quite clearly would rather be elsewhere. And you.” Teyla’s voice rises. “You won't even hold him.”
“I -” His protest is loud but the angry edge gives way to one of confusion. It is so John to not even understand. . .
“You didn't come to his first rite of childhood.” Her voice cracks because that had been the deepest betrayal of them all. She had thought that at least John would want to see this life she had made, hold him, care for him as he had once promised. He hadn’t been there, had wheedled his way out of it with Rodney and only Ronon had stood with her and Alyns.
“Wait.” John squints, thinking. “That godfather thing? I was there.”
His casual tone only it makes it worse. “You left before the Naming.” Teyla crosses her arms and lifts her chin. “You and Rodney.”
“We were called back to Atlantis.”
“For a problem that didn't need your attention.”
John's eyes widen as though he suddenly understood her implication. “You think we skipped out?”
“What am I supposed to think?” Teyla glares because if he was too stupid to not understand, then he hadn’t cared enough to pay attention when she told him how important it was to her that he be there. “I asked you to stand with me.”
“I thought it was a reception thing.” John looks lost, and Teyla can’t help but feel a perverse satisfaction in it even as part of her screams, how could he not know?
“Where did you get that idea?”
John shrugs sheepishly. “Rodney.” It makes Teyla want to deck him. “The day was all about Alyns anyway.”
“The Naming,” her teeth grind against each other, “is for the whole family.”
She keeps the anger close like a blanket in the silence that falls with her words. John swallows hard, devastated.
“Oh.” The sound drops softly between them. Teyla holds herself tighter and looks away while John stares at her, his anger gone now. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The ocean is desolate and seems to reach forever. The sky has deepened to purple and the sun streaks orange through the clouds. It's as empty as Teyla feels when her own fury leaks away, leaving her feeling just as exposed.
“Teyla.”
But she doesn’t look at him. “It doesn't matter.”
“Yes,” he steps closer, “it does. And I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m so sorry.”
Teyla finally glances over and offers what she can in a terse smile. “It is all right.” She knows these things happen, even if it doesn’t make them hurt less.
“You should have kicked my ass on the sparring mat.”
She had thought about it, but, “I couldn’t. Not if you really -“
“Teyla. I - You - I -” John’s lips are thin and pained. He looks away, but Teyla doesn’t fill in the rest. She’s spent the last week exhausted and scared and so alone. “I would have been there.” The words come fast as if he can't let them get away, and since this is John they very well might. “Don't think I don't want you here. That I don’t . . .care. I do. You mean . . .” His eyes plead for her to get it before he has to say it, and Teyla does. She steps closer and John’s forehead comes down to meet hers, solid and warm. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me, too.”
“I just . . . when he looks at me it’s like he’s seeing right through me.” She hears his smile, soft and close. They're breathing each other’s air.
“Me, too.” It's barely a whisper.
“It’s -”
“Terrifying.” Every time she looks at her son, she feels her breath catch for an instant in a moment of not believing he’s hers. That this little life is depending on her for everything. She’s so scared that she’ll let him down.
The sun sets and in the shadow formed between them night has fallen. No doubt, she’ll be hearing cries through her radio soon.
John takes a breath and holds it a second longer than necessary.
“Stay.”
But Teyla doesn’t think she can. She can’t be everything her son needs if she stays.
“We’ll make it work.” John pulls back from her shaking head. “We’ll find babysitters. Set up a schedule. I bet Rodney would even -”
“John.”
He falls silent, lost again. “You know you’re dooming us to catastrophe. We’ll start some war because Rodney will insult a princess or I won’t pay attention or Ronon will eat someone’s pet again.” Teyla smiles, heartfelt this time. “I’ll go crazy and kill Rodney with a fork at dinner. Ronon will probably kill me without you to beat some sense into him. And me.”
“You’ll be fine.” She stops his protest with a hand on his chest. “I know you, John. You don't need me to keep Atlantis running.”
“Maybe I can run it without you, but that doesn’t mean I want to.” He smiles, just a twist of his lips, and Teyla takes his hand in hers.
“I need to do this, I think. I can’t keep on as I have been, but it won't be forever. A few months maybe. I believe Doctor Keller called it maternity leave. I have been resisting because Michael is still out there and I can't, couldn’t let it go.” She looks up him, but his features are hard to see in the fading light. “You would have been right to ground me on our last mission.”
John nods and squeezes her hand. “We’ll find him.” It’s a promise. One Teyla knows they’ll keep together.
With one last squeeze, she drops his hand. It’s time to go back in. “You’ll come visit us.”
She hears the first signs of her little monster waking up.
“Yeah.” John turns with her, and that’s a promise, too. “If I’m willing to die for you I guess I’d also better be willing to change diapers.”
"Yes.” She laughs, and John bumps her shoulder. “You could learn now?”
John quirks an eyebrow at her. “Okay.” He blows out a breath. “Just remember this when Carter needs you to come rescue our asses.”
It’s dark outside now. The city lights up behind them. Teyla has a sleepless night ahead after a long day, but she’s not alone.
---
" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb