Thirteen Months *oneshot*
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: High side of PG13, possibly even R (no smut, but violence)
Length: 4.5K
Listen to this song and read the lyrics if you want to know what inspired me to write this!
Dear Jongup,
I don't know if you're reading this. Hell, you probably threw it away as soon as you saw my name on the return address. And that's okay. I don't expect you to want me brought back to life. I'm sure you ran as far away from me as you could and never looked back.
But just in case you are reading this, hello. Was it a surprise getting a letter from me after so long? It took me a long time to get the courage to write it. Thirteen months now I've been wondering what I would say to you, how I would explain, and the things I would apologize for. But then I realized, it was everything.
I have to apologize for everything.
There's three year’s worth of mistakes behind me.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not asking you for your forgiveness, I don't deserve that and I know it. But when you've been sober for a year, then AA wants you to apologize to everyone you've hurt from drinking. And it's been thirteen months and I've sent out all my letters. But yours was the hardest and it took me all this time to build up the courage to pick up a pen and actually start writing.
Jonguppie, you're the one I hurt the most. You're the one who put up with it the longest and had to see me at my worst.
But there were a few times you saw me at my best, right? It wasn't all bad, was it? I remember times where I made you laugh so hard that you cried, made you so happy that you told me you would love me forever.
And I ruined that.
Do you remember when I took you skiing? You were so scared on the plane that you gripped my hand until it turned numb and you made me kiss you as it took off.
"Jagiya, just close your eyes and breathe." Himchan tried to hold in a laugh as his boyfriend squirmed anxiously in his seat.
"But what if it crashes? You can survive a car crash, a plane crash means instant death!" He hissed, using his shirt to wipe the sweat off of his face.
Himchan squeezed his hand in his and lifted it to his lips, kissing the fingertips one by one. "But then we'd die together and that would be romantic."
Giving him a dry look, Jongup pulled him forward until they were closer together. "Kiss me." He begged. "Distract me. I need something or I'm going to have a raging panic attack in the middle of the plane."
"But the people-"
Jongup shook his head. "I don't care. Please!"
Not wanting his boyfriend to be afraid, Himchan closed the distance between them, tilting his head slightly to press their lips together. Jongup's lips were dry and chapped from where he'd been biting on them, so Himchan swiped his tongue out to moisten them.
"Channie." Jongup murmured into his mouth. "I love you."
Himchan tangled his free hand into Jongup's soft brown hair and scratched soothingly along his scalp. "Hyung will always take care of you." He told him, before darting back in and reclaiming his lips.
That plane ride is one of my favorite memories of you. The way you depended on me to protect you and keep you safe. That my kiss was the only thing you needed to feel better.
I wish things would always have been that precious between us.
"You're late." Jongup met him at the door with is arms crossed. He caught his arm as he walked past and leaned forward to sniff his jacket. "And you smell like cigarettes."
Himchan rolled his eyes and ignored the accusation. "What'd you fix for supper?" He stumbled into the kitchen and yanked the fridge open, bleary eyes trying to make sense of the contents.
Jongup sighed and pushed past him to grab a plate from the bottom shelf. "Sit down." He ordered, pointing to the table.
The woozy boy complied, dropping his head into his hands and starting to giggle.
"What's so funny?"
Himchan shook his head, the giggles refusing to cease. "You said I smell like cigarettes." He sputtered. "You know there's only reason for me to ever smoke." His amused gaze turned towards Jongup's hateful one and he smirked. "I only have a cigarette after I've fucked someone."
Jongup's chin clenched tightly and he took a deep breath before responding. "Maybe I'm used to you coming home smelling like them every weekend." He dropped his face and bit his lip. "I'm not stupid, hyung." When he lifted his head back up, Himchan frowned at the tears threatening to spill over. "I keep thinking that one day you'll be the Himchan I fell in love with. But you don't plan on ever changing, do you?."
"Shut up." Himchan ordered him flatly. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have at two in the morning. "Give me my plate and go to bed."
Jongup slammed the food on the table and stormed off. "One day you're going to come home and I won't be here."
My AA sponsor told me that in order to give up one vice, sometimes you have to embrace another. So for the first few months I smoked like a chimney. It was strange though. Every time the smell of the smoke hit me I would throw up. But smoking was the only thing I had to get me through my days so I forced myself to continue. Yongguk, that's my sponsor, he said that the cravings for a drink would lessen eventually and when they did I could slow down on the smokes.
It's been four months now without one. Thirteen months with no alcohol and four months with no cigarettes. You tried for three years to get me to quit and losing you was the one thing that finally worked. So thank you. For finally succeeding. Even if it took a lot of heartache and a lot of hell from both of us.
You told me once that I'd come home and you would be gone. That never happened though. We both knew you would never leave me. I could, and would, do anything to you and it wouldn't make you budge. You loved me so fucking much that you did everything to try and make me better.
"What is this?" Himchan eyed the flyer that was placed in his lap with disdain. "Alcoholics Anonymous? Don't even fucking start, Jongup." He warned, crumpling it up and tossing it over his shoulder. "I've had a fucking miserable day at work and I don't need you pissing me off."
Jongup calmly unfolded the paper and handed it back to him. "Read it. You have all the signs. I'll even go with you!"
"No." He lifted the beer to his lips and took another drink, shooing his boyfriend away. "I'm not going."
"What if I told you that if you didn't go then I would leave you?" Jongup said sternly.
Himchan raised an eyebrow and looked at him out of the corner of his eyes. "I'd tell you to fucking try."
There's a kid in my AA meeting, and I can't tell you his name it's against the rules, but he's only sixteen. Sixteen. He started drinking his father's beer when he was only fourteen years old. And when I look at him, I see an alcoholic. He shakes, he sweats everywhere, he snaps at everyone and I think to myself- is that what I looked like? Why couldn't I see it?
All I remember is your face when you would look at me. You always looked so broken, Jonguppie. Why did you stay? Why wouldn't you leave me? You should have kicked me out and changed the locks and forgotten about me. As much as I wish those three years hadn't been like that, I wish you wouldn't have had to see it even more.
Did I ever tell you why I drank? How old I was or what started it? When I was seventeen my mother lost her job. She spent all day crying in her bedroom and drinking the hours away. One time after my father told her that enough was enough, she hit him. The bottle came down on his head and he blacked out. Then she turned to me.
You always asked me how I got that scar on my back, the one above my shoulder blades. I would tell you I didn't remember and change the subject. But it was just another lie I told you, Jongup.
She beat me until I passed out and then she left. She just fucking left. I never saw her again.
This probably all sounds familiar, doesn't it?
But I won't do what she did. You meant more to me than I must have ever meant to her. So I'm at least trying to give you closure. Do you want closure? For all I know you already have it. You've already moved on, found someone else who treats you the way you deserve. I really honestly wish that for you. I don't want you to ever look back and think of me. And I know it's selfish of me to send you this letter when I say that I want you to forget me, but Yongguk told me that if I don't write this then he's going to call you personally and this is the lesser of those evils.
Himchan laughed at something his roommate was saying, but his eyes were glued to the boy across the café. The small, brown-haired boy who was happily eating a donut, head bopping to the music in his headphones.
"Yah! Kim Himchan! Are you even listening?" Youngjae complained, noticing his faraway expression. He turned to see what his eyes were focused on and he smirked. "Ah, don't worry about it. I see."
"You see nothing." Himchan narrowed his eyes. "I was just thinking of a homework assignment."
Youngjae rolled his eyes. "Just go say hi. I think that kid goes to my gym. If it's who I think it is, trust me, you want to get to know him." At his friend's confused look, he motioned towards his chest. "Ripped, buddy. Super ripped."
Swallowing, Himchan watching the small, pink tongue dart out to lick frosting off his fingers and had to bite back a whimper. As if he knew he was being watched, the boys small eyes turned and looked caught his own, a small smile quirking up his lips when he realized he was being watched.
Averting his eyesight, Himchan tried to pretend he was absorbed in his coffee. When he finally had the nerve to look back up, he was disappointed to see the empty seat.
Before Youngjae could see the frown mar his face, Himchan excused himself, lying that he needed to be at his next class early to talk to the teacher.
"Pardon me, sir?" A waitress stopped him before he could open the door. "This is for you. It's from the boy who was sitting by the window."
He opened the paper in his hand and couldn't stop the large grin that spread across his face at the name and number written on it.
"Moon Jongup." He mouthed to himself.
That day I met you was when my life started to change. I remember your laugh when I called you as soon as I left the café. You should have known by the way I looked at you that I wouldn't be able to stop myself. It would have been cooler of me to wait a while, but I didn't care. Once I saw you that was it for me. You were it.
You asked me to move in with you after only three months together. You shouldn't have, Jongup. We shouldn't have. I am older than you, I was supposed to be the responsible one. But I loved you so much that I said yes and never looked back.
Himchan rubbed his fingers down the sweat-slicked side of the boy next to him. “Jagi?” He asked, attaching his lips to the nape of Jongup’s neck.
“Hmm?” The mumble let him know he was half-asleep but Himchan didn’t let it deter him.
“I want more.”
Jongup turned his head and pulled the pillow overtop him. “I just fucked you two times in the last three hours. Go to sleep.”
“But Jong-“
“No more. You’re not going to be able to walk tomorrow and I am not carrying you around the apartment all day.”
Scowling, Himchan moved to the edge of the bed and laid on his side, muttering curses under his breath. He jumped when an arm wrapped itself around his waist, tugging him in tightly to Jongup’s still-heaving chest.
“Don’t be angry at me, Channie.” He whispered, his hand lowering under the covers and wrapping around his length. “I just don’t want to hurt you. But I can still make you feel good, okay?”
Himchan’s head fell back and a breathy moan passed his lips.
“I would do anything to make you happy, hyung.”
I gave you a ring six months after we met. Do you still have it? You could have pawned it for some money. The least I could give you after what I did is some money in your pocket.
Mine is in my dresser. I haven’t looked at it since I took it off, two weeks after I last saw you. Every time I saw it I would want to drink the memories away. But the image of you on the floor would fill my mind and it was all I could do to breathe. Just thinking of you makes it so I can’t even fill my lungs with air and I keep hoping that one day I’ll wake up and it won’t be like this but I know you will make me feel like that until the day I die, Jongup.
“You okay?” Himchan breathed out, rubbing his fingers across Jongup’s sweaty brow. “You’re pale.”
Jongup shook his head and nuzzled his face against Himchan’s neck. “That was…”
“Perfect.” The older boy grinned, his hand smoothing through the matted brown hair. “That was perfect.”
“Did I…” Jongup bit his lip and was glad his blush wasn’t visible. “Did I do okay? I’ve never- That was my first-“
Himchan cut him off, lifting his chin so that he could press their lips together. “You were perfect.” He repeated, softly. “We’re going to be doing that every day for the next hundred years.”
“What if I get too tired?” Jongup teased.
“Then I’ll lay you down and do all the work for you.” Himchan promised. “I’ll always take care of you.”
We were so happy living together. You would do the laundry and take the trash out. I would always have food for you on the table when you got home. We were a family.
God, I can still see that proud smile you had the first time you ever cooked for me. I told you I had to work late but it was just the first of many lies. You had made soup and it was disgusting and we both could barely choke it down, but you looked so happy that I told you it was delicious. My stomach filled with guilt at staying out with my friends all evening, and watching that ridiculously bright grin cover your face was enough to make me want to throw up.
But I never stopped. And it just got worse and worse for us. For you.
Every time I would hurt you, every time I would leave those horrible marks on you, you never said anything. I would tell you I was sorry the next morning and that I would never do it again and you would just smile at me and tell me it was okay. But it wasn’t okay.
And I really am sorry.
This time, I mean it. This time I know without a doubt that it would never happen again. Not only because I’ve lost you for good, but because I feel it now. I feel different. My mind rolls through our three years together and I don’t understand how I couldn’t see what was happening. How stupid and out of control was I to miss it all?
“What time is it?” Himchan slurred, leaning his head against the doorframe. “Why are you still awake?”
Jongup gently grabbed his elbow and helped him into the apartment. “It’s 3:35. And I was waiting up to make sure you got home okay.” He pulled the jacket off of him, grimacing at the stale smell emanating from his body. “You told me you’d be home by midnight.” His voice was soft as he wet a rag and ran it over his sweaty skin as Himchan collapsed onto the couch.
“I ran into some friends.” Himchan replied, looking up at him with glassy eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Jonguppie.”
“It’s too late for sex, hyung.” Jongup grinned. “You have to be at work in five and a half hours. C’mon, let’s go to bed.”
Shaking his head, Himchan grabbed his arm and yanked him down over top of him. “No, no.” He said, running his lips across Jongup’s clean, fresh-smelling skin. “I want you, jagiyah. Please. I want to feel you inside of me.”
Jongup gritted his teeth, arms shaking as he managed to push his boyfriend down and away from him. “No.” He told him firmly. “You get rough when you’ve been drinking and then you complain about how much you hurt the next day.”
This seemed to anger Himchan, his eyes narrowing. “What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t want to sleep with me? You think I’m not man enough to handle it?”
“Of course that’s not what I-“
“Shut up!” Himchan’s hand found itself around Jongup’s neck, pushing him against the wall. “You don’t want me, is that what you’re trying to say?” He leaned forward and slammed their foreheads together. “Is there someone else?”
Even though his air was slowly being choked off, Jongup managed to let out a sarcastic laugh. “Really?” He wheezed. “You’re really asking me that? You’re the one who fucks anyone that looks twice at you!”
That was the wrong thing to say, he realized, as Himchan’s fist soared straight towards his jaw.
The day it all came crashing down onto my fucking head, splitting me into pieces and killing every bit of humanity I had left was the worst day of my life. A million times worse than my mother walking out on us. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jongup. I would do anything to go back and change it but I can’t, so the only thing I can do is say that I’m sorry.
I’m so fucking sorry.
Why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you stop me? You have always been stronger than I am, you could have knocked me out with one punch. But you didn’t and I hate myself for that. I hate myself every single second of every single day because you loved me too much to hurt me. You would rather me beat you unconscious with a fucking whiskey bottle than lay a single finger on me and I couldn’t do the fucking same and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“It’s my mother’s birthday, Himchannie.” Jongup said quietly. “I can’t not go to it. Her feelings would be hurt.”
Himchan took a drink from his whiskey and leaned his head back against the wall. “But I’m hungry.” He whined, pouting his lips out at him. “What am I going to do about supper?”
“Well you could have gone out to eat at the restaurant with us if you weren’t already drunk at six in the evening.” Jongup told him, resentment lacing his voice.
“Oh come on, like I really want to go sit at some boring restaurant with your family.” Himchan complained. “All they’ll do is tell me I’m an idiot and that you deserve someone better.”
Jongup rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. “They don’t tell you that you’re an idiot and that they don’t want us together.” He disagreed with him. “They just don’t like that you dropped out of school and work at the garage now. My mother always encourages you to go back to your music classes.”
“School was stupid. It wasn’t my fault my teachers were idiots.”
“You showed up late to every class and you told one teacher to go to hell for asking where your homework was.” Jongup informed him. “It’s not their fault you drink every damn day. When was the last night you actually went to sleep without having a drop of alcohol in your system?”
Himchan chuckled. “When was the last time I gave a shit about your opinion?”
Gasping, Jongup took a step towards him then stopped himself. “That was uncalled for, Himchan.”
He shrugged. “Like I care. You’ll go to your party, tell everyone I’m sick and then come home and fuck me till we fall asleep. We have a routine, Jonguppie. Stop trying to break it.”
“That’s it.” Jongup hissed. He headed into their bedroom and grabbed his gym bag off the floor, dumping his workout clothes out.
Himchan followed him in, an eyebrow raised. “Whatcha doing there, jagi?”
“I’m staying with my parents tonight.” Jongup grabbed his coat and headed towards the door. “I’m tired of this, Himchan. I’m so damn tired.”
A hand came up to slam the door shut in front of him. “Go put the bag up.” When the smaller boy didn’t move, Himchan gripped his wrist and jerked him backwards. “I said to put the bag up, Jongup.”
“No.” The voice was low, but he understood Jongup was serious about this.
Jongup cried out in pain when his head was yanked sharply to face the angry boy. “What are you trying to prove, huh? You know you’ll be back here tomorrow begging for me to take you back. You always are. I can do anything I want and you just fucking take it.” He scoffed and tugged harder on his hair, bringing tears to the corner of Jongup’s eyes. “You’re so pathetic, Jonguppie.”
“Maybe I just love you.” Jongup told him. He grabbed at the hands on his head. “You’re hurting me, hyung.”
A small part of Himchan told him to stop, that Jongup didn’t deserve to be in pain. But that part was growing smaller with every day and it had almost completely disappeared. Now all he felt was anger.
Jongup could see the part of Himchan that he knew and loved dimming behind his eyes and a spark of fear coursed through his belly.
“Channie?”
A loud moan sailed through the air when he was knocked backwards, head cracking against the wooden floor. Himchan’s foot thudded against his side when he didn’t move for a few moments. “You’re not even going to defend yourself? So fucking pathetic.”
Jongup’s eyes stayed closed as his body was scooted across the floor by Himchan’s kicks. “S-Stop Channie!” He cried out, trying to curl himself into a ball.
“And you wonder why I go out and sleep with other people. Why would I want to come home and see your face waiting for me like a damn puppy? Following me around begging for my scraps.” He brought the bottle back up to his lips and finished the rest of it off in one swig, leaning over and tapping it against the back of Jongup’s head. “I’m sick of you. I’m sick of your face, I’m sick of your voice, I’m sick of you always being here, breathing over my shoulder, asking me where I’m going, who I’m meeting. Why? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Because I love y-you.” Jongup stuttered, tears dripping out of his clenched shut eyes. “I’ll never give up on you.”
The bottle came down hard over his back, shattering into a hundred pieces.
“It doesn’t matter if I’ve already given up on myself.” Himchan told him, voice cracking as he realized what he was doing. He looked at the broken glass and pools of blood surrounding Jongup, gagging at the realization that he was doing the one thing that he had promised never to do.
Turn into her.
The only good thing I ever did for you was to call an ambulance before I left. Out of our whole three years together, the very last thing I ever did was the only one that mattered. I’m sorry I ran, I’m sorry I never visited you in the hospital, I’m sorry you never got to see me punished for what I did.
But Jongup, I swear to you I have been punished every second of every day for the last thirteen months. Thirteen months without you is worse than a lifetime in prison. If you told me you wanted that I would beg for it though. I would do anything for you, to make up for what I did, for what I didn’t do.
Are you happy now? Sometimes I think I see you walking along the streets here, but I know it’s not really you since I live so far away now. Youngjae called me a few months ago. He said he saw you and that you looked well. I’m glad, I’m so happy that you are okay. He tried to tell me what you two talked about, but I wouldn’t let him. Even though I want to hear about you, just knowing you are okay is enough. I just needed to know you are still you. I don’t need more than that. I don’t deserve more than that.
If you’re still reading this, then thank you. Thank you for loving me, for believing in me, for never giving up. You are the reason I got help. You are the reason I’m me again. You are everything, Jonguppie.
And if you never even opened this, that’s fine, too.
I love you, Jonguppie. I always have. From the second I saw you eating that disgusting frosted donut in that café. And I always will. All the way until both of us are no longer here. You meant the world to me and I messed that up. I know that now. I’m sorry I didn’t see it then.
It’d be nice if one day it really will be you I see on the street. And you’ll wave or maybe even smile as you pass. I hope you’re happy in life. I hope you fulfill all your dreams. I hope you have someone holding your hand and telling you every night before bed that you are perfect. I hope you have everything I should have given you, but couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
I’m sorry,
Himchan