Impossible
Pairing: BangUp *slight BangHim*
Rated: M (Rated for self-abuse and heavy angst. Do not read if you are easily triggered. Contains ZERO smut.)
Length: 7.5K
THIS song was part of the prompt, but I think THIS version suits it better so I listened to it like a million times while writing this, in case you were curious what mood I was trying to set. This was the second story I made for this prompt. I've never wrote something so hard before. >.<
Day Four of Life Without Himchan (or LWH as Yongguk preferred to call it) ended the same way days One through Three ended: with him curled up in his bed and sobbing into his Tigger.
Day Six of LWH consisted of his mother banging on his door for twenty minutes until he forced himself out of bed to answer. It also consisted of two hours of her with her hands on her hips and a very loud, very hard to understand speech about how he was so much better off and to stop moping around like a five year old.
Day’s Twelve and Thirteen were the worst. All day long on Twelve he broke everything in his apartment. Even his TV, which was stupid since he could only fall asleep with it on the background. Too much silence made his head pound and loneliness fill his bones. For day Thirteen he spent three hours in his bathtub staring at the razor on the edge of the counter.
But on day Fourteen he smiled.
---
“I don’t know what you’re saying.” Yongguk helplessly watched him as he calmly packed his bag, picking up a t-shirt and even smelling to make sure it was clean before he folded and packed it. “Y-You’re doing what?”
Himchan sighed and repeated himself for the fourth time. “I’m done, Yongguk. This isn’t working anymore.”
He could feel his body shaking as he reached out from his spot at the foot of the bed and tried to stop him from pulling the dresser drawers open. “Don’t do this, Channie.” He whispered. “Please, please don’t do this!”
The bedroom was almost bare by this point, Yongguk not being near as materialistic as his boyfriend was. The only things left were one drawer of clothes, a few shirts in the closet and a pair of shoes by the bed. He could feel his heart slipping lower and lower in his chest with every item Himchan placed in his bags.
Himchan dropped down to his knees in front of him and took Yongguk’s hands in his own. “Look Gukkie,” Yongguk bit back a sob at the cold use of his nickname, one that used to be said in a soft, caring voice. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. It’s not you, it’s me. I just want a change, something different, something new. Don’t take it so personally. It’s not like we’ve been together for years or anything.”
“We’ve been dating for fourteen months.” Yongguk’s voice cracked and the first of many to come tears slipped out of his eyes. “I love you, Channie.”
The other boy just winced and pulled his hands away. “I’m going to go now. Good luck Yongguk. I’ll see you around.”
The slamming of the front door jolted him, causing him to collapse on the floor, face in his knees and screaming until he was hoarse.
Three hours later he started Day One.
---
“You have to talk to us sometime, hyung.” Youngjae’s tired voice sounded through the answering machine. Yongguk just rolled over and ignored it just like he did the last seven calls from him. “Junhong is about to have a nervous breakdown from worrying about you. You can’t just quit and expect us all not to be upset. Just please at least call Junhonggie back, okay? Please?”
He rolled his eyes and stayed in his current position. He knew the youngest employee at the café had a small case of hero worship going on with him but he’d get over it eventually.
It had been exactly seven days, twelve hours and sixteen minutes since Himchan had walked out his door and he hadn’t left his house once. His mother had been by the day before to scream at him but it didn’t do anything but give him a headache.
The only thing that would make him feel better was the one thing he couldn’t have. He had noticed Himchan pulling away from him the last few weeks but chalked it up to stress at work. The few times he had come home on time he had spent the rest of the night in their bedroom, using the computer to finish projects. Mostly though he arrived home two hours late exhausted and went straight to bed. They hadn’t even slept together in almost two weeks before he left. Every time Yongguk tried to touch him or kiss him the other boy would make up excuses about how tired he was or he was hungry and needed to go eat.
There was someone else. It was the only explanation. Yongguk buried his face against the back of the couch and took deep breaths, trying to push back the hysteria. Someone touching his boyfriend, someone feeling those calloused fingers running down their bodies, seeing the way his eyes rolled back in his head when he-
He felt the bile rise up in the back of his throat and he barely made it to the bathroom before he vomited up everything his mother had made him eat the day before.
The next two days were spent alternating between dialing Himchan’s phone number repeatedly and throwing up.
---
“C’mon hyung!” Junhong’s anxious voice sounded through the door. “Please just let me in! We’re all so worried and we care so much about you!”
Yongguk growled and threw the door open, slamming it against the wall. “What do you want?” His voice was weak from disuse and his eyes were bloodshot.
The younger boy licked his lips and gave a shy smile. “We’ve missed you at the café. The boss said that you can come back if you want to. Everyone wants you back, hyung.” He peered around and wrinkled his nose at the smell coming from the apartment. “Do you want some help cleaning? It’s my chore at home. My mom says I’m the best at it!”
He wanted to tell the kid where he could shove off to, but the innocent eyes and hopeful face tugged at his emotions. “Not today Junhonggie.” He replied in a softer voice than before. “But thank you for the offer. I just want to be by myself for a while.”
Junhong opened his mouth to reply but the door was already shutting in his face.
“Thanks for stopping by!” He heard Yongguk call through the door before the sound of the TV started up again.
---
Day Twelve of LWH.
The worst day.
Yongguk actually started out feeling pretty good that morning. He had forced some breakfast into his belly and even washed the pile of dishes in the sink. It was when he started in on the laundry that the shit hit the fan.
It was lying crumpled in the bottom of the hamper, accidentally forgotten in the packing almost two weeks earlier.
Himchan’s favorite t-shirt. The one he loved to wear to bed on most nights. It was black and soft from being washed so much and it had signatures from everyone he had gone to music camp with his junior year of high school.
Yongguk’s heart thudded painfully in his chest and he had to hold his hand over it to make sure it wasn’t coming straight through his skin. His fingers trembled as they brushed across the cold cotton, the feel of the fabric achingly familiar on his skin.
He knew he shouldn’t, knew it wouldn’t end well, fucking knew he needed to walk away, but he impulsively shoved it against his face anyway, inhaling the scent that had been haunting every second of his days.
“Channie.” He whispered his name achingly low into the material. The memories the smell of the shirt gave him were pouring through his brain, driving him crazy, filling him with want, shattering his heart into thousands of shards.
Himchan would want this back. He was probably frantic not knowing where it was. He should call him, Yongguk told himself. It would be the right thing to do. After all their time together he deserved to have his favorite thing back.
At least, those were the reasons he was calling, Yongguk told himself as he dialed the digits he knew by heart.
After a few nerve-wracking seconds waiting for it to connect, a sleepy voice answered. “H’lo?”
Yongguk frowned and pulled the phone away, checking to make sure it showed the correct numbers. “Hello? Is-Is Kim Himchan there?”
The boy on the other end yawned. “He’s still in bed. We didn’t get home till three this morning.”
The few pieces of Yongguk’s heart that had stubbornly held together broke apart. “Who is this?” He choked out, pushing his palms against his eyes and pressing so hard he saw white.
“Hmm?” The boy sounded close to sleep again, his voice trailing off at the end. “I’m his boyfriend. Who is this?”
Yongguk immediately hung up. He didn’t need to hear any more than that. The phone landed on the floor beside him and mocked him, Himchan’s number still flashing on the screen. Face scrunching up in anger, in pain, in sadness, Yongguk wasn’t even sure what he was feeling anymore, he growled deep in his chest and brought his foot down on the phone so hard the screen cracked.
It felt exhilarating to break something. To pour what he felt out of his body and into something and to be destructive and let go. His heel came down over and over on it until it was nothing but a pile of broken plastic.
He chewed on his lip and wondered if the roaring in his ears was going to pass, if the tingle in his veins was going to cease. Then his eyes caught site of the black shirt folded neatly on his counter. Folded so carefully so that Himchan would think to himself how polite and caring he was. With a hiss he snatched it up and ripped it cleanly down the middle, grabbing the scissors out of the drawer and making short work of the rest of it.
He didn’t want to stop, this feeling of power, of control, was too overwhelming, too much of a rush to stop now. The framed picture of the two of them on their one year anniversary was quickly thrown across the room and smashed into the kitchen wall. The scissors ripped easily through the couch, the couch where they had made love after so many long days at work, releasing their stress into each other, soft relaxing words murmured against sweat slicked skin.
By the time he realized what he was doing the entire apartment was in shambles, the TV still crackling where he had swung a lamp into it.
He collapsed into the floor, not caring about the broken glass all over his skin, mind a million miles away. Back to when he had fallen asleep curled around the soft, slender body, his hand pressed firmly against Himchan’s chest.
By the time he passed out he knew what the only thing he could to do get Himchan out of his brain was.
He had to end this.
---
“Hyung? Hyung please talk to us.” Junhong’s voice rang out brokenly over the machine. Yongguk’s eyes never moved from the bathroom sink. “We just miss you okay? You’re our friend and we care about you so much. Some of the regulars have even asked when you’re coming back. That is how special you are to everyone. Even Jongup-hyung has come into the store every day for the last two weeks to see if you’re there.” Yongguk’s eye twitched at the mention of Himchan’s younger brother. He had nothing against Jongup, would even go so far as to call them close friends, but he didn’t want anything to do with his ex-boyfriend. “Just… Just please remember that you’re not alone, okay? Please call me back soon, hyung.”
His arms and legs were covered with tiny superficial scratches from falling into the glass yesterday, but he wanted more, needed more, had to have something to make this pain real. His chest and what was left of his heart aching deep inside him weren’t visible, he couldn’t see the pain.
The razor felt so heavy in his hand that for a split second he thought he was going to drop it. How could something so simple, something he used every single day be so powerful? This little piece of plastic could take away his life in a split second. Yongguk was hurting, but he wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to die, he just wanted to end the torture, let out all of his pain with the swipes across his flesh. Every single drop of blood representing something about Himchan that he wanted to forget.
The second the blade made contact with his skin a pounding on the door jerked him, slicing the razor up his arm a lot deeper than he intended to.
Hissing, he slapped his hand over the wound as the knocking sounded again. The last thing he wanted was for someone to see him like this, look at him with pity in their eyes.
“Coming!” He shouted towards the door, grabbing a towel off the counter and hoping it was someone he could get rid of quickly. Maybe he could just crack the door open slightly and no one would notice anything was wrong. “What do you-“
“Hello hyung.” The overly happy boy on the other side of the door smiled brightly at him. “I’ve been trying to call you all day. Is your phone off?”
He pushed the door shut a little more so that only his face was visible. “What are you doing here Jongup?”
Another big smile met him as if he hadn’t even noticed the unwelcoming tone. And he probably hadn’t. One of the things he had always liked most about Himchan’s brother was his never ceasing happy personality. Nothing ever seemed to faze him.
“I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. I missed my favorite hyung.” He reached up to push on the door, frowning when it wouldn’t budge. “Can’t I come in? I took the day off work to spend with you.” His pouty face always worked on Yongguk, they both knew this. Himchan could do aegyo for an hour and he’d just get laughed at. But Yongguk had a soft spot for the smaller boy’s puppy dog lips.
Jongup was the reason Himchan and him had met in the first place. If he hadn’t visited the café every day and one day just coincidentally brought his brother with him then Yongguk wouldn’t be doing what he was right now.
“Right now’s not a good time, Jonguppie.” Yongguk replied gruffly, feeling the blood already soaking through the towel and onto his hand. “I’ll call you later okay?” He tried to push the door closed but a foot blocked it.
“How about you let me in right now, Yongguk-hyung?” His tone was cheery, but Yongguk could see the slight clench of his jaw. “You know I’m stronger than you. Open the door or I will open it for you.”
With a sigh, Yongguk stepped back and let him enter, wincing at the intake of breath the younger boy made at the mess in the apartment. Jongup opened his mouth and turned back to him, eyes widening when he saw the state of the older boy.
“Go sit down.” He ordered, shoving him into a chair before rushing towards the bathroom. He came out with a first aid kit and a spare towel. “Take that one off and let me see how deep the cut is. You might need stitches.”
Yongguk watched him click his tongue and tsk as he gently looked over his arm. He waited for the retributions, the why did you do this, the you’re so much better than this, but they never came. “Jonguppie?”
“I don’t think it’s deep enough to warrant a doctor’s visit.” The younger boy continued as if he hadn’t even heard him. “But I need to wrap it up so it will stop bleeding. Are there any more I need to know about?” He finally lifted his eyes back up to Yongguk’s and all he could see was disappointment. Yongguk hated it when people pitied him, he wished he could wipe that look away.
“No.” He whispered, turning his head away. “That’s the only one.”
Jongup let out a relieved breath before patching him up, even rinsing the smaller cuts from the glass on his arms with an alcohol swab. “Come on.” He ordered, standing up and holding a hand out. When Yongguk just stared at it he sighed and waved it around. “You’re supposed to take it.” He dragged him into the bedroom, thankfully not saying anything about the mess. “Lay down.” This time his voice was softer as he helped him get comfortable in the dirty sheets. “You need to rest. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
Even though he kind of felt uncomfortable, Himchan never took care of him like this, he did as the younger boy said and relaxed into his pillow, eyes closing on their own. “Will you be here when I wake up?”
Soft fingers brushed through his hair, sweeping it away from his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”
---
The sound of something clanking awoke him a few hours later and he had to lay still for a moment to collect his bearings. The apartment smelled amazing for the first time since he had started LWH. Whatever was cooking in the kitchen was so strong that it had made its way under the door to the bedroom.
He stumbled out into the kitchen, blinking in surprise at the state of his apartment. Jongup noticed him and grinned happily. “Did you sleep well, hyung? I didn’t wake you up, did I? The dishwasher was full and I didn’t want to wait for it to get done running so I went ahead and started washing the rest.”
Yongguk was still gaping at the room in astonishment. The floor was completely cleaned and mopped, everything that was broken was picked up or stacked in a pile by the front door, even the couch was in one piece. “How did you…?” He motioned towards the cushions that he specifically remembered tearing apart.
“Oh I just flipped them over. We’re going to have to buy some heavy duty thread to fix them so it’s just a temporary solution.” Jongup turned back to the sink of soapy dishes and resumed his humming as he washed.
“What’s that smell?” Yongguk sniffed the air, his stomach suddenly realizing it was being overlooked and letting out a loud growl.
Jongup bit back an amused smile and pointed towards the stove. “I’ve got soup cooking. Your fridge was almost bare so it might not be the best food in the world. I just used what I could find.”
He could already tell it was going to be devoured in one gulp. Not only was he starving but it smelled delicious. “Why are you doing this, Jongup?” He asked quietly. “Why are you here?”
The boy’s broad shoulders stiffened at his questions. “Because I care about you.” He finally answered. “Enough to not want you to be alone in your pain.” He pointed towards the table. “Now sit. I’ll get you a bowl.”
Yongguk practically moaned at the oversized bowl of food placed in front of him. He didn’t even wait for Jongup to serve himself before digging in, the hot broth scalding his tongue without him even noticing.
A quiet giggle reached his ears making him blush in embarrassment. “I haven’t eaten much lately.” He admitted.
“Just don’t make yourself sick, hyung.” Jongup told him, scooping more into his bowl. “I don’t want to have to clean up puke tonight, too.”
They ate the entire pot clean with Yongguk asking for more three times before he was full. “That was amazing Jonguppie.” He praised him, leaning back in the seat and rubbing his belly. “I never knew you could cook.”
The younger boy’s ears flushed and he shrugged. “Yeah well I was kind of left on my own a lot so I had to learn how to cook or I’d starve.” Yongguk knew Himchan wasn’t very nurturing so he could see Jongup having to take care of himself while their parents were working. “Do you want to take a bath while I clean up after us?” Jongup busied himself with clearing the table. “Make sure and be careful with your arm. I’ll rewrap it when you get out.”
Yongguk sniffed his shirt as he walked off and grimaced. No wonder Jongup wanted him to wash up. He smelled like he’d rolled around inside his toilet for a few hours.
The water stung as it hit all of the wounds on his skin and the soap felt like it was licking a trail of fire across his flesh. As much as he would have liked staying in longer and let it relax his muscles he couldn’t take it for very long.
Jongup was pulling the sheets off of the bed when he got out, a new set already waiting on the nightstand. His eyes narrowed at the new scratches on his legs that weren’t visible earlier, but he chose not to say anything. There was a lot of them but they were so small there was really nothing to do about it. “Do you feel better?” He asked hopefully, tucking the sheet under the mattress. “Your bed is clean now if you want to go to sleep. I know you had a nap but it’s already close to eleven. Maybe tomorrow we can go look at TV’s and rent some movies. That way the apartment won’t be so silent.” He wrinkled his nose up. “It’s kind of creeping me out.”
“You’re coming back tomorrow?” Yongguk couldn’t help the hopeful sound from creeping into his voice. As much as he hated having company, he couldn’t help but feel glad the younger boy was here. He had never had anyone take care of him like this and it felt too nice to end it.
“Mmhmm.” Jongup finished with the bed and blew his bangs out of his face. “I’ll be here in the morning okay?” He pulled the covers up to his chin and gave him a sad smile. Yongguk had never seen his face look like that and he didn’t like it. Jongup was always cheery. Always. “Did you break your phone too, hyung?” At the nod he sighed. “I think I have a spare old one. We’ll get it hooked up for you tomorrow, too. That way you can call me if you need me.”
“Don’t you have to work?” His voice was slurred as he started to drift off into sleep again. The last two weeks of feeling on edge, feeling hopeless, was finally catching up to him and he felt close to passing out. “You shouldn’t be taking days off.”
A pair of chapped lips pressed unexpectedly against his forehead. “It’s fine. Go back to sleep.” He stayed until the older man was completely out, his fingers not ceasing their combing through his forehead. “Goodnight Yonggukie-hyung.”
---
“So I was thinking phone first just in case you’ve been missing any important calls.” His eyes narrowed. “Like mine. And then we can go get lunch at the café maybe? Junhong is about to have a heart attack from missing you.” Jongup grinned and tugged him out of the door. “Then we’ll go look at TV’s. My cousin owns an electronic store uptown. He’ll sell one to you cheaply.”
Yongguk barely had time to think, his mind spinning with all the plans the boy had made for them today. He thought about telling him he wanted to stay home today but the excitement on his face as he opened the door this morning was too much for him to resist.
“Do you ever get tired, Jonguppie?” He asked, practically running after him down the hallway.
“Nope.” Jongup bounced on his toes as they waited for the elevator. “My mom says I’m made of sugar.” He smirked. “She said it’s because I’m hyper but I like to think it’s because I taste so sweet.”
Yongguk was saved from letting that knowledge sink in, the elevator arriving before he could answer.
The switch to Jongup’s old phone was easy. The only things he lost were his contacts and pictures. And knowing he no longer had the hundreds of pictures of Himchan was actually a big relief to him. He flipped through the photo album already on it and laughed when the first few pictures were of him.
“There’s a lot of me on here.” He teased, bumping him with his shoulder. “Was you bored?”
Jongup’s cheeks turned bright red and he grabbed at the phone, clutching it to his chest. “I forgot to delete all of my stuff!” He stammered, fingers shakily pushing at the buttons. “Let me get rid of them before you take it!”
He was only teasing him, thinking it cute when he blushed, but he didn’t want to embarrass the only person who was actually able to cheer him up so he let it go.
The boy’s head popped up and he looked shocked. “Wait. Do that again.” At Yongguk’s confused look he motioned towards him. “You laughed, hyung. Do it again!”
He was right, Yongguk had laughed for the first time in two weeks. “You’re a goof, Jongup.” He said, changing the subject. “Where are we going now? You’re the one making all the plans.”
“To the café!” Jongup unexpectedly reached between them and slipped his hand inside Yongguk’s larger one. “They will be happy to see you smiling. Youngjae called me this morning to make sure I had visited you yesterday. He’s been antsy to see you, too.”
He was right, the two boys inside everything they were doing to rush him, arms wrapping around him from everywhere.
“Hyung!” He could hear Junhong’s high-pitched voice cracking against his back. “I’m so happy to see you, hyung!”
Jongup finally managed to pull the two boys off of him. “Give him some room to breathe. Back up Youngjae!” He braided their fingers back together and stepped in front of him protectively. “Go fix us some coffee and sandwiches. You can talk to him after he’s had lunch.”
Laughing again, Yongguk let the smaller boy lead them to a table. He had never seen this dominant side of the younger and it amused him. Usually he followed him around like a puppy, eager to do whatever he asked of him.
“Don’t be mean to them, Jonguppie.” He chastised, not commenting when Jongup scooted his chair closer. “They’re our friends.”
He muttered under his breath and crossed his arms when Junhong happily ran towards them with a tray piled high with food.
“Here hyung I made all of your favorites! There’s sandwiches and chips and two different drinks because I wasn’t sure if you wanted coffee or a water and Youngjae made some of those donuts you like so I-“
“We got it Junhong.” Jongup glared at him until he got the hint, nervously handing them the tray and scampering off.
Yongguk smiled into his sandwich, counting his blessings for the person sitting next to him. He didn’t want to build his ego up and admit it to him, but Jongup had quickly turned his life around. He still hurt, he still ached for what he and Himchan had. That wasn’t going to go away for a long time. But he no longer felt so alone. He had his friends. And he had Jongup.
---
“Are you ready to go home?” Jongup waved the DVD’s at him. “I picked out my two, what did you get?”
He hid them behind his back and shook his head. “You’ll find out later. Are you sure your cousin will have the TV all set up when we get back?” He had been nervous leaving his key with the strange boy, but if Jongup vouched for him then that was enough.
Jongup nodded, shoving the movies into the inside of his jacket and grabbing Yongguk’s hand again. He had made it a habit to reach for him while they were walking. At first it was awkward but now Yongguk just naturally spread his fingers apart to make room for Jongup’s smaller ones between them.
“Jonguppie?” Yongguk waited until they were alone in the elevator before speaking. “Thank you. For what you’re doing.”
His hand squeezed around Yongguk’s. “You were my friend long before you met my brother.” Jongup answered softly. “I claimed you first. He knew that.” He didn’t move his eyes away from Yongguk’s even though the air in the small room was now growing thick with tension. “But you never saw me, did you Yongguk?”
He gently tugged him out of the elevator and towards Yongguk’s apartment, not expecting an answer. “Daehyunnie?” He opened the door and popped his head in, smiling at his cousin. “Wow the set-up looks really good!”
The masked boy in the floor nodded in thanks and continued stringing the cords together behind the new TV and wooden stand Jongup had convinced him he needed.
“I’ll go start putting up the groceries.” Jongup grabbed the bags off the floor and carried them to the kitchen, walking around as if he owned the place. Yongguk watched him as he tried to reach up into the top cabinet and chuckled when he realized he was too short.
“So you and my cousin huh?” A muffled voice spoke up behind him. “You must really have a thing for this family. I’m straight so don’t even give me those googly eyes.”
Yongguk frowned. “Jongup and I are just friends. He just feels sorry for me because of his brother.”
The other boy laughed under his breath and turned the TV on to make sure it worked. “You sure about that? Because I can remember him moping around over two years ago that Yongguk-hyung is so handsome, Yongguk-hyung is so funny let me tell you a joke he told me, I got to watch hyung study for school and he’s so smart!” He rolled his eyes and pressed more buttons on the remote. “Kid’s been obsessed with you since he was sixteen. Why do you think he is going to all this trouble?” When he saw Yongguk’s stricken expression he let the angry façade down. “I’m not saying you’re a bad guy or you’ve been leading him on this whole time. But just let him down easy okay? He’s a good boy.”
Jongup jumped back into the room, smile dropping when he saw the two boys staring menacingly at each other. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Jongup-ah.” Daehyun responded, turning back to his work. “Just giving Yongguk some important instructions. I think you’re all done.” He packed up all of his stuff and patted his cousin’s head on the way out. “Key’s on the table. Have fun.”
When the two of them were left alone, Jongup turned his childish grin towards him again. “Let’s watch one of yours first okay? Do you want to make popcorn? I’m not very hungry yet, but if you are we can-“
“How long have you liked me?” Yongguk blurted out. He could tell the question came as a shock but he couldn’t stop it. “Daehyun told me. Answer me.”
Jongup bit his lip and dropped his shoulders. “For three years.” He admitted. “Since I was sixteen and you were nineteen.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything? Why did you introduce me to him?” Yongguk could feel his heart rate increasing again and he fought hard to breathe calmly. “Why Jongup?”
“He knew I always went to the café every day and he was curious about why. When I told him the truth, that it was to see you…” Jongup’s small eyes darkened and his fists clenched at his sides. “He only started dating you to get to me, Yongguk.” The boy regretted telling him the truth, but that’s what it was. Himchan had come out and told him that he wouldn’t have been so interested in him if Jongup hadn’t of been so obsessed. Hurting his younger brother had always been a game to him. “I’m sorry, I never wanted you to find out. I only wanted you happy and if being with him made you happy then I was o-“
“Get out.” The few little pieces of Yongguk’s hear that Jongup had managed to glue back together the last two days cracked back down the middles. “I want you to go.” He pointed towards the door.
“Hyung please! Just lis-“
“Get out Jongup!” Yongguk had never yelled at him. He jumped back in fear, his eyes wide and teary. “I want you to leave! Now!”
Shakily, he nodded and grabbed his bag and shoes off the floor. “I wasn’t going to push you into anything, hyung.” He whispered sadly, brushing a few stubborn tears away. “I’ve always been satisfied just being next to you. That’s all I want. It’s all I ever wanted.”
He shook his head and left without another word, leaving his heart behind him with Yongguk.
---
“I’m sorry, hyung.” The desperate voice rang out over the phone, begging for forgiveness. “I shouldn’t have lied to you this whole time, I shouldn’t have let you date Himchan without knowing what he was really like, but please I’m on my knees and asking for you to let me come back!”
Yongguk deleted the voicemail without listening to the rest of it. He knew he would do whatever Jongup asked if he heard any more. All he wanted was to sit alone in his apartment again.
This ache was different than the one before. When Himchan left he just felt abandoned, worthless. Why wasn’t he good enough? Was there something wrong with him, had he done something he shouldn’t have, not done enough? His whole heart was broken knowing he had given his all, done everything he could for that asshole. And all Himchan had done was walk away when he got bored.
But the pain of watching Jongup walk away was so much different.
Jongup was his friend, probably his oldest friend. After high school had ended he had thrown himself into his music, barely surviving from week to week until he got a job that started to slowly turn him away from his pastimes. He realized he needed more than drive to get places, he needed money. So he put his passion away and locked it up tight in the back of his mind.
A week later he had met Jongup.
The tiny little boy had come in out of the rain, hair dripping with water and completely soaked to the bone. Yongguk had been worried about the way his teeth were violently chattering and had offered him his sweatshirt.
Jongup had come in every single day after that for the next year and a half. They talked about everything together, music, art, movies, what they wanted to accomplish in life. But the second he had brought his brother in, and Himchan had immediately asked him on a date and inserted himself into Yongguk’s life, Jongup had stopped. His visits went from every day to every other day, then once a week and finally to maybe twice a month.
And Yongguk felt so stupid, so blind not to see what was going on. The more Jongup seemed to give up on their friendship, the more Himchan pulled away from their relationship. Jongup was telling the truth about his brother’s true intentions and that didn’t hurt, that just made Yongguk angry. That Himchan could be so insensitive to his own blood that he would break him, hurt him just for fun. And Jongup had never called him out on it, never hinted to Yongguk that his brother had an ulterior motive. The determination and strength that must have taken was something Yongguk wasn’t sure he could do.
Because he was a coward.
Bang Yongguk was a pitiful excuse for a human being.
And he hated Himchan for making him feel inferior, taking away every ounce of self-confidence he ever had. Hated Jongup for not saving him all of this pain, this heartache that could have been avoided if the younger boy had just manned up and told him the truth.
And he hated himself.
Yongguk was sick of everyone around him treating him like glass. Putting on kid gloves before they handled him. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.
Jumping up off his couch, he stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. His eyes were wild and glassy and his teeth clanked together until he grabbed his face and forced them to stop.
“You’re worthless.” He spat at himself in the mirror. “You’re such a piece of shit that you don’t deserve either of them. No wonder Himchan left you. No wonder Jongup kept you in the dark for three years. What did you expect?”
He could almost see the switch going off in his brain. The one that kept him on the rational side was giving up and was sliding slowly into madness. He didn’t see the point in keeping this charade up, pretending he was going to be okay when he wasn’t.
The phone in his pocket rang for the seventh time that morning. Every call was Jongup in tears and if he had to hear it for very much longer he would forget his anger, the need to comfort his friend would overrule everything.
“What do you want, Jongup?” His voice was so raspy from sobbing that he could barely speak. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Hyung, hyung I’m so sorry!” Jongup had to pause to control himself, his cry turning into a soft hiccupping. “I never meant to hurt you, please don’t push me away. Please, just let me come back! I’ll do anything for you, I’ll be anything you want me to be, just don’t kick me out of your life!”
Yongguk sat back against the wall and slid down to the floor, his head against his knees. “I just want to be happy, Jonguppie.” He whispered. “I don’t want people to hide stuff from me, I don’t want to be lied to or used or thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage.”
“You’re not, hyung! You’re not garbage to me and I only kept things from you because you were so happy with him and even though I hated it, I just… I love you, Yongguk. And I would do anything to make you happy, even if it’s not with me.”
He scoffed and sat up, eyes catching the shine of plastic under his counter. Frowning, he hooked his finger around it and tugged it out. “Oh shit.” He breathed out, seeing the razor he had dropped the other day. In the midst of Jongup coming in and taking over he had completely forgotten that he had dropped it. It must have gotten kicked under the counter and forgotten. “Jongup I have to go.”
The younger boy heard the sudden robotic change of his voice and his body spiked with fear at not knowing what was happening. “Yongguk?” He asked carefully, trying to keep his tone calm. “What are you doing? Why don’t I come over and we can talk?”
“I’m sorry Jonguppie.” Yongguk ran his thumb over the blade to see how sharp it was, smiling when it nicked his finger. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me. You won’t have to worry, okay? Goodbye.”
He hung up before he could hear the terrified screaming coming from the other end of the line. Jongup only lived twenty minutes away, of course he would immediately rush over so Yongguk had to be quick about this.
All of the movies he watched had the main character leaving a note behind, Yongguk thought with amusement as the blade made trails down his flesh. But he didn’t have time for that. There was no one he wanted to say anything to anyways. He knew Junhong and Youngjae would be upset, Junhong would probably even be devastated for a while. But he was young and he would eventually get over it. Yongguk would just become a cautionary tale he told his children about someday. Warning them against getting too far in over their heads with love.
Himchan wouldn’t care. Even though Yongguk realized that, it still pained him.
But Jongup…
Jongup would miss him for a long time. Possibly his whole life. He would always look back with regret. Yongguk didn’t want that for him but there was nothing he could do. It was too late anyways.
He looked down at his wrist and watched the bright blood pouring across his skin, staining him for eternity. He tried to lift his hand to grab the razor and mark the other side but his muscles wouldn’t move, his arm already heavy and dead.
That was he his heart started racing and he realized what he had done. This wasn’t something he could change his mind on. The tendon was cut, there was no moving his hand if he even wanted to.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard himself crying Jongup’s name, but he didn’t know if it was all in his head or if he was actually saying it. His head was pounding too hard, his heart was shaking in his chest, all he wanted to do was lie down on the floor and close his eyes. He wanted to give up.
A bang on front door jerked him awake a few minutes later. His eyes felt heavy as he blinked down at himself. The circle of blood below his wrist was larger than before.
His brother had been obsessed with death and suicide as an angsty teenager and he had mentioned once that you can bleed to death in less than twenty minutes, even shorter if you hit an artery.
The banging grew into full blown beating, Jongup’s voice hysterically crying for him on the other side. He heard an explosion and saw his front door crashing to the ground as Jongup and the two boys who lived down the hall rushed in together, their combined strengths knocking the door off its hinges.
“Hyung! Oh god, oh god…” Jongup cradled his head in his hands and tried to cover his wound with his palms. “Why did you do this, oh hyung, oh hyung!”
“It’s a good thing you called an ambulance on your way over.” One of the boys said shakily. “I’m going to-“He shook his head and visibly wobbled on his feet. “I’ve got to g-go.”
The other boy knelt down and placed his fingers on Yongguk’s neck. “His pulse is way too slow. The paramedics need to get here soon or…” He trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.
Yongguk’s eyes met Jongup’s and he tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. “Guppie?”
“Shh baby.” Jongup brushed his hair out of his eyes and gulped. “They’ll be here soon to make everything better. Just keep breathing and keep your eyes open, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
His tongue felt fuzzy and it took him a second to work his mouth open. “Should have told me.” He whispered, his good arm finding its way to Jongup’s wrist and holding it against his cheek.
Jongup frowned. “Told you what, hyung?”
He sighed, every blink of his eyes lasting just a second longer than the one before. “Would have loved you b-back.” He finally spoke up, taking one last look at Jongup’s tear-stricken face before letting his eyes drop shut.
“Hyung?” Jongup slapped at his cheeks, shook his shoulders, screamed in his ear. “Hyung wake up!”
The paramedics stormed in, shoving him out of the way as they started working on Yongguk’s lifeless body.
He suddenly felt like he had run a marathon. What had he done all day to make himself so tired? He could curl up and sleep for hours, Yongguk thought to himself as the darkness clawed at his eyelids. There was something loud filling his ears but it was so muffled he couldn’t make out any of the words, but it almost sounded like Jongup.
Why would Jongup be here in his dreams?
Somewhere, deep inside the hardening shell of his mind, Yongguk could see everything so much clearer. All of those lingering glances Jongup gave him, those touches of his fingertips that he tried to pass off as overly friendly. The pain in his eyes every time he had to see Himchan and him together.
He regretted everything he had done to hurt his friend. He wanted nothing more than to tell him these revelations and see the expression of happiness come across his face when he did. But it was too late. It was too late and he was so tired.
Maybe he’d tell him when he woke up.
But for now he welcomed the blackness.
And Yongguk rested.
Rated: M (Rated for self-abuse and heavy angst. Do not read if you are easily triggered. Contains ZERO smut.)
Length: 7.5K
THIS song was part of the prompt, but I think THIS version suits it better so I listened to it like a million times while writing this, in case you were curious what mood I was trying to set. This was the second story I made for this prompt. I've never wrote something so hard before. >.<
Day Four of Life Without Himchan (or LWH as Yongguk preferred to call it) ended the same way days One through Three ended: with him curled up in his bed and sobbing into his Tigger.
Day Six of LWH consisted of his mother banging on his door for twenty minutes until he forced himself out of bed to answer. It also consisted of two hours of her with her hands on her hips and a very loud, very hard to understand speech about how he was so much better off and to stop moping around like a five year old.
Day’s Twelve and Thirteen were the worst. All day long on Twelve he broke everything in his apartment. Even his TV, which was stupid since he could only fall asleep with it on the background. Too much silence made his head pound and loneliness fill his bones. For day Thirteen he spent three hours in his bathtub staring at the razor on the edge of the counter.
But on day Fourteen he smiled.
---
“I don’t know what you’re saying.” Yongguk helplessly watched him as he calmly packed his bag, picking up a t-shirt and even smelling to make sure it was clean before he folded and packed it. “Y-You’re doing what?”
Himchan sighed and repeated himself for the fourth time. “I’m done, Yongguk. This isn’t working anymore.”
He could feel his body shaking as he reached out from his spot at the foot of the bed and tried to stop him from pulling the dresser drawers open. “Don’t do this, Channie.” He whispered. “Please, please don’t do this!”
The bedroom was almost bare by this point, Yongguk not being near as materialistic as his boyfriend was. The only things left were one drawer of clothes, a few shirts in the closet and a pair of shoes by the bed. He could feel his heart slipping lower and lower in his chest with every item Himchan placed in his bags.
Himchan dropped down to his knees in front of him and took Yongguk’s hands in his own. “Look Gukkie,” Yongguk bit back a sob at the cold use of his nickname, one that used to be said in a soft, caring voice. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. It’s not you, it’s me. I just want a change, something different, something new. Don’t take it so personally. It’s not like we’ve been together for years or anything.”
“We’ve been dating for fourteen months.” Yongguk’s voice cracked and the first of many to come tears slipped out of his eyes. “I love you, Channie.”
The other boy just winced and pulled his hands away. “I’m going to go now. Good luck Yongguk. I’ll see you around.”
The slamming of the front door jolted him, causing him to collapse on the floor, face in his knees and screaming until he was hoarse.
Three hours later he started Day One.
---
“You have to talk to us sometime, hyung.” Youngjae’s tired voice sounded through the answering machine. Yongguk just rolled over and ignored it just like he did the last seven calls from him. “Junhong is about to have a nervous breakdown from worrying about you. You can’t just quit and expect us all not to be upset. Just please at least call Junhonggie back, okay? Please?”
He rolled his eyes and stayed in his current position. He knew the youngest employee at the café had a small case of hero worship going on with him but he’d get over it eventually.
It had been exactly seven days, twelve hours and sixteen minutes since Himchan had walked out his door and he hadn’t left his house once. His mother had been by the day before to scream at him but it didn’t do anything but give him a headache.
The only thing that would make him feel better was the one thing he couldn’t have. He had noticed Himchan pulling away from him the last few weeks but chalked it up to stress at work. The few times he had come home on time he had spent the rest of the night in their bedroom, using the computer to finish projects. Mostly though he arrived home two hours late exhausted and went straight to bed. They hadn’t even slept together in almost two weeks before he left. Every time Yongguk tried to touch him or kiss him the other boy would make up excuses about how tired he was or he was hungry and needed to go eat.
There was someone else. It was the only explanation. Yongguk buried his face against the back of the couch and took deep breaths, trying to push back the hysteria. Someone touching his boyfriend, someone feeling those calloused fingers running down their bodies, seeing the way his eyes rolled back in his head when he-
He felt the bile rise up in the back of his throat and he barely made it to the bathroom before he vomited up everything his mother had made him eat the day before.
The next two days were spent alternating between dialing Himchan’s phone number repeatedly and throwing up.
---
“C’mon hyung!” Junhong’s anxious voice sounded through the door. “Please just let me in! We’re all so worried and we care so much about you!”
Yongguk growled and threw the door open, slamming it against the wall. “What do you want?” His voice was weak from disuse and his eyes were bloodshot.
The younger boy licked his lips and gave a shy smile. “We’ve missed you at the café. The boss said that you can come back if you want to. Everyone wants you back, hyung.” He peered around and wrinkled his nose at the smell coming from the apartment. “Do you want some help cleaning? It’s my chore at home. My mom says I’m the best at it!”
He wanted to tell the kid where he could shove off to, but the innocent eyes and hopeful face tugged at his emotions. “Not today Junhonggie.” He replied in a softer voice than before. “But thank you for the offer. I just want to be by myself for a while.”
Junhong opened his mouth to reply but the door was already shutting in his face.
“Thanks for stopping by!” He heard Yongguk call through the door before the sound of the TV started up again.
---
Day Twelve of LWH.
The worst day.
Yongguk actually started out feeling pretty good that morning. He had forced some breakfast into his belly and even washed the pile of dishes in the sink. It was when he started in on the laundry that the shit hit the fan.
It was lying crumpled in the bottom of the hamper, accidentally forgotten in the packing almost two weeks earlier.
Himchan’s favorite t-shirt. The one he loved to wear to bed on most nights. It was black and soft from being washed so much and it had signatures from everyone he had gone to music camp with his junior year of high school.
Yongguk’s heart thudded painfully in his chest and he had to hold his hand over it to make sure it wasn’t coming straight through his skin. His fingers trembled as they brushed across the cold cotton, the feel of the fabric achingly familiar on his skin.
He knew he shouldn’t, knew it wouldn’t end well, fucking knew he needed to walk away, but he impulsively shoved it against his face anyway, inhaling the scent that had been haunting every second of his days.
“Channie.” He whispered his name achingly low into the material. The memories the smell of the shirt gave him were pouring through his brain, driving him crazy, filling him with want, shattering his heart into thousands of shards.
Himchan would want this back. He was probably frantic not knowing where it was. He should call him, Yongguk told himself. It would be the right thing to do. After all their time together he deserved to have his favorite thing back.
At least, those were the reasons he was calling, Yongguk told himself as he dialed the digits he knew by heart.
After a few nerve-wracking seconds waiting for it to connect, a sleepy voice answered. “H’lo?”
Yongguk frowned and pulled the phone away, checking to make sure it showed the correct numbers. “Hello? Is-Is Kim Himchan there?”
The boy on the other end yawned. “He’s still in bed. We didn’t get home till three this morning.”
The few pieces of Yongguk’s heart that had stubbornly held together broke apart. “Who is this?” He choked out, pushing his palms against his eyes and pressing so hard he saw white.
“Hmm?” The boy sounded close to sleep again, his voice trailing off at the end. “I’m his boyfriend. Who is this?”
Yongguk immediately hung up. He didn’t need to hear any more than that. The phone landed on the floor beside him and mocked him, Himchan’s number still flashing on the screen. Face scrunching up in anger, in pain, in sadness, Yongguk wasn’t even sure what he was feeling anymore, he growled deep in his chest and brought his foot down on the phone so hard the screen cracked.
It felt exhilarating to break something. To pour what he felt out of his body and into something and to be destructive and let go. His heel came down over and over on it until it was nothing but a pile of broken plastic.
He chewed on his lip and wondered if the roaring in his ears was going to pass, if the tingle in his veins was going to cease. Then his eyes caught site of the black shirt folded neatly on his counter. Folded so carefully so that Himchan would think to himself how polite and caring he was. With a hiss he snatched it up and ripped it cleanly down the middle, grabbing the scissors out of the drawer and making short work of the rest of it.
He didn’t want to stop, this feeling of power, of control, was too overwhelming, too much of a rush to stop now. The framed picture of the two of them on their one year anniversary was quickly thrown across the room and smashed into the kitchen wall. The scissors ripped easily through the couch, the couch where they had made love after so many long days at work, releasing their stress into each other, soft relaxing words murmured against sweat slicked skin.
By the time he realized what he was doing the entire apartment was in shambles, the TV still crackling where he had swung a lamp into it.
He collapsed into the floor, not caring about the broken glass all over his skin, mind a million miles away. Back to when he had fallen asleep curled around the soft, slender body, his hand pressed firmly against Himchan’s chest.
By the time he passed out he knew what the only thing he could to do get Himchan out of his brain was.
He had to end this.
---
“Hyung? Hyung please talk to us.” Junhong’s voice rang out brokenly over the machine. Yongguk’s eyes never moved from the bathroom sink. “We just miss you okay? You’re our friend and we care about you so much. Some of the regulars have even asked when you’re coming back. That is how special you are to everyone. Even Jongup-hyung has come into the store every day for the last two weeks to see if you’re there.” Yongguk’s eye twitched at the mention of Himchan’s younger brother. He had nothing against Jongup, would even go so far as to call them close friends, but he didn’t want anything to do with his ex-boyfriend. “Just… Just please remember that you’re not alone, okay? Please call me back soon, hyung.”
His arms and legs were covered with tiny superficial scratches from falling into the glass yesterday, but he wanted more, needed more, had to have something to make this pain real. His chest and what was left of his heart aching deep inside him weren’t visible, he couldn’t see the pain.
The razor felt so heavy in his hand that for a split second he thought he was going to drop it. How could something so simple, something he used every single day be so powerful? This little piece of plastic could take away his life in a split second. Yongguk was hurting, but he wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to die, he just wanted to end the torture, let out all of his pain with the swipes across his flesh. Every single drop of blood representing something about Himchan that he wanted to forget.
The second the blade made contact with his skin a pounding on the door jerked him, slicing the razor up his arm a lot deeper than he intended to.
Hissing, he slapped his hand over the wound as the knocking sounded again. The last thing he wanted was for someone to see him like this, look at him with pity in their eyes.
“Coming!” He shouted towards the door, grabbing a towel off the counter and hoping it was someone he could get rid of quickly. Maybe he could just crack the door open slightly and no one would notice anything was wrong. “What do you-“
“Hello hyung.” The overly happy boy on the other side of the door smiled brightly at him. “I’ve been trying to call you all day. Is your phone off?”
He pushed the door shut a little more so that only his face was visible. “What are you doing here Jongup?”
Another big smile met him as if he hadn’t even noticed the unwelcoming tone. And he probably hadn’t. One of the things he had always liked most about Himchan’s brother was his never ceasing happy personality. Nothing ever seemed to faze him.
“I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. I missed my favorite hyung.” He reached up to push on the door, frowning when it wouldn’t budge. “Can’t I come in? I took the day off work to spend with you.” His pouty face always worked on Yongguk, they both knew this. Himchan could do aegyo for an hour and he’d just get laughed at. But Yongguk had a soft spot for the smaller boy’s puppy dog lips.
Jongup was the reason Himchan and him had met in the first place. If he hadn’t visited the café every day and one day just coincidentally brought his brother with him then Yongguk wouldn’t be doing what he was right now.
“Right now’s not a good time, Jonguppie.” Yongguk replied gruffly, feeling the blood already soaking through the towel and onto his hand. “I’ll call you later okay?” He tried to push the door closed but a foot blocked it.
“How about you let me in right now, Yongguk-hyung?” His tone was cheery, but Yongguk could see the slight clench of his jaw. “You know I’m stronger than you. Open the door or I will open it for you.”
With a sigh, Yongguk stepped back and let him enter, wincing at the intake of breath the younger boy made at the mess in the apartment. Jongup opened his mouth and turned back to him, eyes widening when he saw the state of the older boy.
“Go sit down.” He ordered, shoving him into a chair before rushing towards the bathroom. He came out with a first aid kit and a spare towel. “Take that one off and let me see how deep the cut is. You might need stitches.”
Yongguk watched him click his tongue and tsk as he gently looked over his arm. He waited for the retributions, the why did you do this, the you’re so much better than this, but they never came. “Jonguppie?”
“I don’t think it’s deep enough to warrant a doctor’s visit.” The younger boy continued as if he hadn’t even heard him. “But I need to wrap it up so it will stop bleeding. Are there any more I need to know about?” He finally lifted his eyes back up to Yongguk’s and all he could see was disappointment. Yongguk hated it when people pitied him, he wished he could wipe that look away.
“No.” He whispered, turning his head away. “That’s the only one.”
Jongup let out a relieved breath before patching him up, even rinsing the smaller cuts from the glass on his arms with an alcohol swab. “Come on.” He ordered, standing up and holding a hand out. When Yongguk just stared at it he sighed and waved it around. “You’re supposed to take it.” He dragged him into the bedroom, thankfully not saying anything about the mess. “Lay down.” This time his voice was softer as he helped him get comfortable in the dirty sheets. “You need to rest. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
Even though he kind of felt uncomfortable, Himchan never took care of him like this, he did as the younger boy said and relaxed into his pillow, eyes closing on their own. “Will you be here when I wake up?”
Soft fingers brushed through his hair, sweeping it away from his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”
---
The sound of something clanking awoke him a few hours later and he had to lay still for a moment to collect his bearings. The apartment smelled amazing for the first time since he had started LWH. Whatever was cooking in the kitchen was so strong that it had made its way under the door to the bedroom.
He stumbled out into the kitchen, blinking in surprise at the state of his apartment. Jongup noticed him and grinned happily. “Did you sleep well, hyung? I didn’t wake you up, did I? The dishwasher was full and I didn’t want to wait for it to get done running so I went ahead and started washing the rest.”
Yongguk was still gaping at the room in astonishment. The floor was completely cleaned and mopped, everything that was broken was picked up or stacked in a pile by the front door, even the couch was in one piece. “How did you…?” He motioned towards the cushions that he specifically remembered tearing apart.
“Oh I just flipped them over. We’re going to have to buy some heavy duty thread to fix them so it’s just a temporary solution.” Jongup turned back to the sink of soapy dishes and resumed his humming as he washed.
“What’s that smell?” Yongguk sniffed the air, his stomach suddenly realizing it was being overlooked and letting out a loud growl.
Jongup bit back an amused smile and pointed towards the stove. “I’ve got soup cooking. Your fridge was almost bare so it might not be the best food in the world. I just used what I could find.”
He could already tell it was going to be devoured in one gulp. Not only was he starving but it smelled delicious. “Why are you doing this, Jongup?” He asked quietly. “Why are you here?”
The boy’s broad shoulders stiffened at his questions. “Because I care about you.” He finally answered. “Enough to not want you to be alone in your pain.” He pointed towards the table. “Now sit. I’ll get you a bowl.”
Yongguk practically moaned at the oversized bowl of food placed in front of him. He didn’t even wait for Jongup to serve himself before digging in, the hot broth scalding his tongue without him even noticing.
A quiet giggle reached his ears making him blush in embarrassment. “I haven’t eaten much lately.” He admitted.
“Just don’t make yourself sick, hyung.” Jongup told him, scooping more into his bowl. “I don’t want to have to clean up puke tonight, too.”
They ate the entire pot clean with Yongguk asking for more three times before he was full. “That was amazing Jonguppie.” He praised him, leaning back in the seat and rubbing his belly. “I never knew you could cook.”
The younger boy’s ears flushed and he shrugged. “Yeah well I was kind of left on my own a lot so I had to learn how to cook or I’d starve.” Yongguk knew Himchan wasn’t very nurturing so he could see Jongup having to take care of himself while their parents were working. “Do you want to take a bath while I clean up after us?” Jongup busied himself with clearing the table. “Make sure and be careful with your arm. I’ll rewrap it when you get out.”
Yongguk sniffed his shirt as he walked off and grimaced. No wonder Jongup wanted him to wash up. He smelled like he’d rolled around inside his toilet for a few hours.
The water stung as it hit all of the wounds on his skin and the soap felt like it was licking a trail of fire across his flesh. As much as he would have liked staying in longer and let it relax his muscles he couldn’t take it for very long.
Jongup was pulling the sheets off of the bed when he got out, a new set already waiting on the nightstand. His eyes narrowed at the new scratches on his legs that weren’t visible earlier, but he chose not to say anything. There was a lot of them but they were so small there was really nothing to do about it. “Do you feel better?” He asked hopefully, tucking the sheet under the mattress. “Your bed is clean now if you want to go to sleep. I know you had a nap but it’s already close to eleven. Maybe tomorrow we can go look at TV’s and rent some movies. That way the apartment won’t be so silent.” He wrinkled his nose up. “It’s kind of creeping me out.”
“You’re coming back tomorrow?” Yongguk couldn’t help the hopeful sound from creeping into his voice. As much as he hated having company, he couldn’t help but feel glad the younger boy was here. He had never had anyone take care of him like this and it felt too nice to end it.
“Mmhmm.” Jongup finished with the bed and blew his bangs out of his face. “I’ll be here in the morning okay?” He pulled the covers up to his chin and gave him a sad smile. Yongguk had never seen his face look like that and he didn’t like it. Jongup was always cheery. Always. “Did you break your phone too, hyung?” At the nod he sighed. “I think I have a spare old one. We’ll get it hooked up for you tomorrow, too. That way you can call me if you need me.”
“Don’t you have to work?” His voice was slurred as he started to drift off into sleep again. The last two weeks of feeling on edge, feeling hopeless, was finally catching up to him and he felt close to passing out. “You shouldn’t be taking days off.”
A pair of chapped lips pressed unexpectedly against his forehead. “It’s fine. Go back to sleep.” He stayed until the older man was completely out, his fingers not ceasing their combing through his forehead. “Goodnight Yonggukie-hyung.”
---
“So I was thinking phone first just in case you’ve been missing any important calls.” His eyes narrowed. “Like mine. And then we can go get lunch at the café maybe? Junhong is about to have a heart attack from missing you.” Jongup grinned and tugged him out of the door. “Then we’ll go look at TV’s. My cousin owns an electronic store uptown. He’ll sell one to you cheaply.”
Yongguk barely had time to think, his mind spinning with all the plans the boy had made for them today. He thought about telling him he wanted to stay home today but the excitement on his face as he opened the door this morning was too much for him to resist.
“Do you ever get tired, Jonguppie?” He asked, practically running after him down the hallway.
“Nope.” Jongup bounced on his toes as they waited for the elevator. “My mom says I’m made of sugar.” He smirked. “She said it’s because I’m hyper but I like to think it’s because I taste so sweet.”
Yongguk was saved from letting that knowledge sink in, the elevator arriving before he could answer.
The switch to Jongup’s old phone was easy. The only things he lost were his contacts and pictures. And knowing he no longer had the hundreds of pictures of Himchan was actually a big relief to him. He flipped through the photo album already on it and laughed when the first few pictures were of him.
“There’s a lot of me on here.” He teased, bumping him with his shoulder. “Was you bored?”
Jongup’s cheeks turned bright red and he grabbed at the phone, clutching it to his chest. “I forgot to delete all of my stuff!” He stammered, fingers shakily pushing at the buttons. “Let me get rid of them before you take it!”
He was only teasing him, thinking it cute when he blushed, but he didn’t want to embarrass the only person who was actually able to cheer him up so he let it go.
The boy’s head popped up and he looked shocked. “Wait. Do that again.” At Yongguk’s confused look he motioned towards him. “You laughed, hyung. Do it again!”
He was right, Yongguk had laughed for the first time in two weeks. “You’re a goof, Jongup.” He said, changing the subject. “Where are we going now? You’re the one making all the plans.”
“To the café!” Jongup unexpectedly reached between them and slipped his hand inside Yongguk’s larger one. “They will be happy to see you smiling. Youngjae called me this morning to make sure I had visited you yesterday. He’s been antsy to see you, too.”
He was right, the two boys inside everything they were doing to rush him, arms wrapping around him from everywhere.
“Hyung!” He could hear Junhong’s high-pitched voice cracking against his back. “I’m so happy to see you, hyung!”
Jongup finally managed to pull the two boys off of him. “Give him some room to breathe. Back up Youngjae!” He braided their fingers back together and stepped in front of him protectively. “Go fix us some coffee and sandwiches. You can talk to him after he’s had lunch.”
Laughing again, Yongguk let the smaller boy lead them to a table. He had never seen this dominant side of the younger and it amused him. Usually he followed him around like a puppy, eager to do whatever he asked of him.
“Don’t be mean to them, Jonguppie.” He chastised, not commenting when Jongup scooted his chair closer. “They’re our friends.”
He muttered under his breath and crossed his arms when Junhong happily ran towards them with a tray piled high with food.
“Here hyung I made all of your favorites! There’s sandwiches and chips and two different drinks because I wasn’t sure if you wanted coffee or a water and Youngjae made some of those donuts you like so I-“
“We got it Junhong.” Jongup glared at him until he got the hint, nervously handing them the tray and scampering off.
Yongguk smiled into his sandwich, counting his blessings for the person sitting next to him. He didn’t want to build his ego up and admit it to him, but Jongup had quickly turned his life around. He still hurt, he still ached for what he and Himchan had. That wasn’t going to go away for a long time. But he no longer felt so alone. He had his friends. And he had Jongup.
---
“Are you ready to go home?” Jongup waved the DVD’s at him. “I picked out my two, what did you get?”
He hid them behind his back and shook his head. “You’ll find out later. Are you sure your cousin will have the TV all set up when we get back?” He had been nervous leaving his key with the strange boy, but if Jongup vouched for him then that was enough.
Jongup nodded, shoving the movies into the inside of his jacket and grabbing Yongguk’s hand again. He had made it a habit to reach for him while they were walking. At first it was awkward but now Yongguk just naturally spread his fingers apart to make room for Jongup’s smaller ones between them.
“Jonguppie?” Yongguk waited until they were alone in the elevator before speaking. “Thank you. For what you’re doing.”
His hand squeezed around Yongguk’s. “You were my friend long before you met my brother.” Jongup answered softly. “I claimed you first. He knew that.” He didn’t move his eyes away from Yongguk’s even though the air in the small room was now growing thick with tension. “But you never saw me, did you Yongguk?”
He gently tugged him out of the elevator and towards Yongguk’s apartment, not expecting an answer. “Daehyunnie?” He opened the door and popped his head in, smiling at his cousin. “Wow the set-up looks really good!”
The masked boy in the floor nodded in thanks and continued stringing the cords together behind the new TV and wooden stand Jongup had convinced him he needed.
“I’ll go start putting up the groceries.” Jongup grabbed the bags off the floor and carried them to the kitchen, walking around as if he owned the place. Yongguk watched him as he tried to reach up into the top cabinet and chuckled when he realized he was too short.
“So you and my cousin huh?” A muffled voice spoke up behind him. “You must really have a thing for this family. I’m straight so don’t even give me those googly eyes.”
Yongguk frowned. “Jongup and I are just friends. He just feels sorry for me because of his brother.”
The other boy laughed under his breath and turned the TV on to make sure it worked. “You sure about that? Because I can remember him moping around over two years ago that Yongguk-hyung is so handsome, Yongguk-hyung is so funny let me tell you a joke he told me, I got to watch hyung study for school and he’s so smart!” He rolled his eyes and pressed more buttons on the remote. “Kid’s been obsessed with you since he was sixteen. Why do you think he is going to all this trouble?” When he saw Yongguk’s stricken expression he let the angry façade down. “I’m not saying you’re a bad guy or you’ve been leading him on this whole time. But just let him down easy okay? He’s a good boy.”
Jongup jumped back into the room, smile dropping when he saw the two boys staring menacingly at each other. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Jongup-ah.” Daehyun responded, turning back to his work. “Just giving Yongguk some important instructions. I think you’re all done.” He packed up all of his stuff and patted his cousin’s head on the way out. “Key’s on the table. Have fun.”
When the two of them were left alone, Jongup turned his childish grin towards him again. “Let’s watch one of yours first okay? Do you want to make popcorn? I’m not very hungry yet, but if you are we can-“
“How long have you liked me?” Yongguk blurted out. He could tell the question came as a shock but he couldn’t stop it. “Daehyun told me. Answer me.”
Jongup bit his lip and dropped his shoulders. “For three years.” He admitted. “Since I was sixteen and you were nineteen.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything? Why did you introduce me to him?” Yongguk could feel his heart rate increasing again and he fought hard to breathe calmly. “Why Jongup?”
“He knew I always went to the café every day and he was curious about why. When I told him the truth, that it was to see you…” Jongup’s small eyes darkened and his fists clenched at his sides. “He only started dating you to get to me, Yongguk.” The boy regretted telling him the truth, but that’s what it was. Himchan had come out and told him that he wouldn’t have been so interested in him if Jongup hadn’t of been so obsessed. Hurting his younger brother had always been a game to him. “I’m sorry, I never wanted you to find out. I only wanted you happy and if being with him made you happy then I was o-“
“Get out.” The few little pieces of Yongguk’s hear that Jongup had managed to glue back together the last two days cracked back down the middles. “I want you to go.” He pointed towards the door.
“Hyung please! Just lis-“
“Get out Jongup!” Yongguk had never yelled at him. He jumped back in fear, his eyes wide and teary. “I want you to leave! Now!”
Shakily, he nodded and grabbed his bag and shoes off the floor. “I wasn’t going to push you into anything, hyung.” He whispered sadly, brushing a few stubborn tears away. “I’ve always been satisfied just being next to you. That’s all I want. It’s all I ever wanted.”
He shook his head and left without another word, leaving his heart behind him with Yongguk.
---
“I’m sorry, hyung.” The desperate voice rang out over the phone, begging for forgiveness. “I shouldn’t have lied to you this whole time, I shouldn’t have let you date Himchan without knowing what he was really like, but please I’m on my knees and asking for you to let me come back!”
Yongguk deleted the voicemail without listening to the rest of it. He knew he would do whatever Jongup asked if he heard any more. All he wanted was to sit alone in his apartment again.
This ache was different than the one before. When Himchan left he just felt abandoned, worthless. Why wasn’t he good enough? Was there something wrong with him, had he done something he shouldn’t have, not done enough? His whole heart was broken knowing he had given his all, done everything he could for that asshole. And all Himchan had done was walk away when he got bored.
But the pain of watching Jongup walk away was so much different.
Jongup was his friend, probably his oldest friend. After high school had ended he had thrown himself into his music, barely surviving from week to week until he got a job that started to slowly turn him away from his pastimes. He realized he needed more than drive to get places, he needed money. So he put his passion away and locked it up tight in the back of his mind.
A week later he had met Jongup.
The tiny little boy had come in out of the rain, hair dripping with water and completely soaked to the bone. Yongguk had been worried about the way his teeth were violently chattering and had offered him his sweatshirt.
Jongup had come in every single day after that for the next year and a half. They talked about everything together, music, art, movies, what they wanted to accomplish in life. But the second he had brought his brother in, and Himchan had immediately asked him on a date and inserted himself into Yongguk’s life, Jongup had stopped. His visits went from every day to every other day, then once a week and finally to maybe twice a month.
And Yongguk felt so stupid, so blind not to see what was going on. The more Jongup seemed to give up on their friendship, the more Himchan pulled away from their relationship. Jongup was telling the truth about his brother’s true intentions and that didn’t hurt, that just made Yongguk angry. That Himchan could be so insensitive to his own blood that he would break him, hurt him just for fun. And Jongup had never called him out on it, never hinted to Yongguk that his brother had an ulterior motive. The determination and strength that must have taken was something Yongguk wasn’t sure he could do.
Because he was a coward.
Bang Yongguk was a pitiful excuse for a human being.
And he hated Himchan for making him feel inferior, taking away every ounce of self-confidence he ever had. Hated Jongup for not saving him all of this pain, this heartache that could have been avoided if the younger boy had just manned up and told him the truth.
And he hated himself.
Yongguk was sick of everyone around him treating him like glass. Putting on kid gloves before they handled him. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.
Jumping up off his couch, he stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. His eyes were wild and glassy and his teeth clanked together until he grabbed his face and forced them to stop.
“You’re worthless.” He spat at himself in the mirror. “You’re such a piece of shit that you don’t deserve either of them. No wonder Himchan left you. No wonder Jongup kept you in the dark for three years. What did you expect?”
He could almost see the switch going off in his brain. The one that kept him on the rational side was giving up and was sliding slowly into madness. He didn’t see the point in keeping this charade up, pretending he was going to be okay when he wasn’t.
The phone in his pocket rang for the seventh time that morning. Every call was Jongup in tears and if he had to hear it for very much longer he would forget his anger, the need to comfort his friend would overrule everything.
“What do you want, Jongup?” His voice was so raspy from sobbing that he could barely speak. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Hyung, hyung I’m so sorry!” Jongup had to pause to control himself, his cry turning into a soft hiccupping. “I never meant to hurt you, please don’t push me away. Please, just let me come back! I’ll do anything for you, I’ll be anything you want me to be, just don’t kick me out of your life!”
Yongguk sat back against the wall and slid down to the floor, his head against his knees. “I just want to be happy, Jonguppie.” He whispered. “I don’t want people to hide stuff from me, I don’t want to be lied to or used or thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage.”
“You’re not, hyung! You’re not garbage to me and I only kept things from you because you were so happy with him and even though I hated it, I just… I love you, Yongguk. And I would do anything to make you happy, even if it’s not with me.”
He scoffed and sat up, eyes catching the shine of plastic under his counter. Frowning, he hooked his finger around it and tugged it out. “Oh shit.” He breathed out, seeing the razor he had dropped the other day. In the midst of Jongup coming in and taking over he had completely forgotten that he had dropped it. It must have gotten kicked under the counter and forgotten. “Jongup I have to go.”
The younger boy heard the sudden robotic change of his voice and his body spiked with fear at not knowing what was happening. “Yongguk?” He asked carefully, trying to keep his tone calm. “What are you doing? Why don’t I come over and we can talk?”
“I’m sorry Jonguppie.” Yongguk ran his thumb over the blade to see how sharp it was, smiling when it nicked his finger. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me. You won’t have to worry, okay? Goodbye.”
He hung up before he could hear the terrified screaming coming from the other end of the line. Jongup only lived twenty minutes away, of course he would immediately rush over so Yongguk had to be quick about this.
All of the movies he watched had the main character leaving a note behind, Yongguk thought with amusement as the blade made trails down his flesh. But he didn’t have time for that. There was no one he wanted to say anything to anyways. He knew Junhong and Youngjae would be upset, Junhong would probably even be devastated for a while. But he was young and he would eventually get over it. Yongguk would just become a cautionary tale he told his children about someday. Warning them against getting too far in over their heads with love.
Himchan wouldn’t care. Even though Yongguk realized that, it still pained him.
But Jongup…
Jongup would miss him for a long time. Possibly his whole life. He would always look back with regret. Yongguk didn’t want that for him but there was nothing he could do. It was too late anyways.
He looked down at his wrist and watched the bright blood pouring across his skin, staining him for eternity. He tried to lift his hand to grab the razor and mark the other side but his muscles wouldn’t move, his arm already heavy and dead.
That was he his heart started racing and he realized what he had done. This wasn’t something he could change his mind on. The tendon was cut, there was no moving his hand if he even wanted to.
Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard himself crying Jongup’s name, but he didn’t know if it was all in his head or if he was actually saying it. His head was pounding too hard, his heart was shaking in his chest, all he wanted to do was lie down on the floor and close his eyes. He wanted to give up.
A bang on front door jerked him awake a few minutes later. His eyes felt heavy as he blinked down at himself. The circle of blood below his wrist was larger than before.
His brother had been obsessed with death and suicide as an angsty teenager and he had mentioned once that you can bleed to death in less than twenty minutes, even shorter if you hit an artery.
The banging grew into full blown beating, Jongup’s voice hysterically crying for him on the other side. He heard an explosion and saw his front door crashing to the ground as Jongup and the two boys who lived down the hall rushed in together, their combined strengths knocking the door off its hinges.
“Hyung! Oh god, oh god…” Jongup cradled his head in his hands and tried to cover his wound with his palms. “Why did you do this, oh hyung, oh hyung!”
“It’s a good thing you called an ambulance on your way over.” One of the boys said shakily. “I’m going to-“He shook his head and visibly wobbled on his feet. “I’ve got to g-go.”
The other boy knelt down and placed his fingers on Yongguk’s neck. “His pulse is way too slow. The paramedics need to get here soon or…” He trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence.
Yongguk’s eyes met Jongup’s and he tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. “Guppie?”
“Shh baby.” Jongup brushed his hair out of his eyes and gulped. “They’ll be here soon to make everything better. Just keep breathing and keep your eyes open, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
His tongue felt fuzzy and it took him a second to work his mouth open. “Should have told me.” He whispered, his good arm finding its way to Jongup’s wrist and holding it against his cheek.
Jongup frowned. “Told you what, hyung?”
He sighed, every blink of his eyes lasting just a second longer than the one before. “Would have loved you b-back.” He finally spoke up, taking one last look at Jongup’s tear-stricken face before letting his eyes drop shut.
“Hyung?” Jongup slapped at his cheeks, shook his shoulders, screamed in his ear. “Hyung wake up!”
The paramedics stormed in, shoving him out of the way as they started working on Yongguk’s lifeless body.
He suddenly felt like he had run a marathon. What had he done all day to make himself so tired? He could curl up and sleep for hours, Yongguk thought to himself as the darkness clawed at his eyelids. There was something loud filling his ears but it was so muffled he couldn’t make out any of the words, but it almost sounded like Jongup.
Why would Jongup be here in his dreams?
Somewhere, deep inside the hardening shell of his mind, Yongguk could see everything so much clearer. All of those lingering glances Jongup gave him, those touches of his fingertips that he tried to pass off as overly friendly. The pain in his eyes every time he had to see Himchan and him together.
He regretted everything he had done to hurt his friend. He wanted nothing more than to tell him these revelations and see the expression of happiness come across his face when he did. But it was too late. It was too late and he was so tired.
Maybe he’d tell him when he woke up.
But for now he welcomed the blackness.
And Yongguk rested.