P.S. Stay Safe part three
Pairing: BangHim
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.7K
Part Two
Our hearts sing less than
We wanted, we wanted
Our hearts sing 'cause
We do not know, we do not know (x)
“What the…” His father motioned for them to be quiet and crept towards the window to peek outside. “It’s a soldier? Aren’t they stationed in the main part of the city?”
As soon as he opened the door, the boy rushed into the house, duffel dropped to the floor and his hands gripping onto Himchan’s fathers sweater. “Where’s Himchan?” He demanded, all formalities of respect long forgotten. “Himchan? Is he here?”
Himchan was frozen in the kitchen, his eyes locked onto the red checked hat perched on top of the soldier’s head.
“Yongguk?”
Yongguk dropped his shoulders and the deep lines in his face relaxed as he released his grip and stormed forwards yanking Himchan into his arms.
“I was so scared I was too late.” His voice was so much deeper than Himchan had ever imagined and Yongguk was slightly taller, he realized with annoyance. “God Himchan.” Himchan was still unmoving, not sure if this was a dream or if this was really Yongguk, his Yongguk, in his home safe and sound. “You’re such an idiot.”
He barked out a laugh and jerked to attention, arms reaching up to encircle Yongguk’s hips. “I thought you didn’t believe in breaks?”
“I do when my best friend tells me he’s going to join the army and get himself killed.” Yongguk’s voice was so tired and so full of emotion that Himchan couldn’t even respond.
An uncomfortable cough broke them apart with Yongguk suddenly realizing how he had acted. “I’m sorry Mr. Kim.” He bowed his head, arm still wrapped protectively around Himchan’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to frighten your family.”
Himchan’s father nodded approvingly. “You must be Himchan’s penpal he’s so fond of. Don’t apologize, he’s attacked me worse than that on days where he’s expecting a letter.”
Blushing, Himchan excused them and pulled Yongguk towards his room. “You must be exhausted. You can use my bed, come on.”
He tried to maneuver Yongguk into the bed but was stopped by a strong grip on his arm. “Why do you have a duffel in your floor?” Yongguk’s voice was sharp and he flashed suddenly angry eyes at him. “You’ve already enlisted?” He could see the answer in Himchan’s guilty expression and growled, letting him go to stalk across the floor. “Dammit, why? Why, why, why?”
“We need the extra coupon book.” Himchan replied weakly, reaching towards him. Even if Yongguk was angry at him he was still there, Yongguk was in his room. “Yongguk?”
Yongguk stopped and sat down heavily on the end of the bed, face in his palms. “I can’t transfer you to my squad if that’s what you’re hoping for.” He told him coldly. “I don’t have those types of strings to pull.”
“I know.” Himchan carefully took a step towards him.
“And if you think joining the war will help you find Junhong then you’re wrong. There are too many soldiers and dozens die every day.”
He didn’t think he would ever get used to the sound of Yongguk’s voice. “I know.” Himchan repeated. He sat down next to him, fingers itching to touch him again to make sure he was still really there.
Yongguk tentatively grabbed for his hand and squeezed it between his cold ones. “Are you doing this because of me?” He asked, voice cracking on the words. His head lifted, eyes wet and threatening to spill over.
“Yongguk.” Himchan could feel the grains of dirt still glued to his skin when he stroked across his dark cheeks. Yongguk closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, his tear tracks making smudgy streaks across his dirty face. “You’re here.”
And suddenly he was crying and he didn’t care enough to be ashamed and Yongguk was crying and he was in his arms and they were together.
Yongguk’s breath was wet through his t-shirt. He was murmuring something against his shoulder but it took Himchan a few moments to realize it was his name, low and soft and reverent. “Himchan, Himchan, Himchannie.”
***
“You’re bigger than I imagined.”
Himchan growled as he slapped him lightly in the shoulder. “Is that a polite way of saying I’m fat?”
Yongguk laughed, his teeth bright in the darkness and pulled the kicking boy back against him. “You’re not fat, I was just expecting some tiny nerdy boy.” His fingers laced with Himchan’s and he eyed them with curiosity. “You’re my size.”
“Maybe that just means you’re fat, too.” He was tired after spending the last two hours side by side and Yongguk was so warm against him in the bed that he felt his eyes start to close against his will. Sleep was the furthest thing from his mind though. Yongguk would have to leave tomorrow and then in three days he would be gone, too. These few hours alone with him were all he would have.
“Your bed is soft.” Yongguk smiled slow as he nuzzled down more into the first real bed he’d seen in years. “My bunk is a thin mattress and a tiny blanket.” He raked his fingers through Himchan’s hair. “I could probably sleep for a week.”
Himchan realized Yongguk probably hadn’t slept in days. He’d told him that as soon as he’d gotten Himchan’s last letter he’d called in every favor he had and gotten enough time to leave and make sure he was okay. He’d ridden in animal carts, dusty trains and even cargo ships that could have been destroyed for hiding soldiers onboard.
“You smell.” But instead of letting him up, Himchan held onto him even tighter, face buried against Yongguk’s chest. Yongguk fell asleep before he did, arms relaxing around him and deep, even breaths puffing against messy hair. “Goodnight Yongguk.”
He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the sound of Yongguk’s heart, music he never thought he’d ever be lucky enough to hear.
***
The next morning came earlier than either of them wanted. Himchan awoke hours before Yongguk did, his eyes blinking sleepily at the camouflage jacket in front of him. The memory of the night before came back in a rush and he carefully patted Yongguk to once again reassure himself this wasn’t a dream.
Eventually he was going to ask Yongguk why he really came. Why he risked everything just to visit. It wasn’t for Himchan’s benefit, that much he was sure of. Yongguk was keeping something from him.
He wanted Yongguk to sleep as long as he could, to relax and lay in comfort before he had to go back to the cold and desolate forests of Russia. Breakfast came and went and lunch was creeping up before Himchan reluctantly awoke a blurry eyed Yongguk.
“Himchan?” He slurred, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep out his eyes. When he had awoken and remembered where he was he gave Himchan the easy grin that made his legs buckle and his breath to shorten. “I want to see your park before I leave.”
After a shower and a fresh change of clothes that Himchan dug out of closet, they set out down the sidewalk towards Himchan’s favorite spot.
“Wait, I forgot to clean my pockets out of my uniform!” Yongguk’s eyes widened and he turned to run back towards the house. “Your picture’s in there!”
Himchan convinced him that his mother would check all of his pockets before washing his clothes. “She is really bad at calling finders keepers on whatever money she finds, but I think she’ll let you keep yours. You carry around my picture? You dork.” He teased, bumping Yongguk with his hip.
It was strange seeing Yongguk out of his uniform. It was strange seeing Yongguk period. But in his head the soldier was always in his uniform. Captain Bang from sunup to sundown.
He obviously didn’t belong in the city anymore, had spent too long isolated in the wilderness with his squad. He watched everyone carefully, eyes sliding back and forth with almost every step he took. Short hair, shaved close to his scalp on the sides was the telltale army haircut that had almost every person they passed doing a double take and whispering to their companions about.
Himchan stepped closer to him, not caring that people were wondering why Yongguk was home when everyone knew you only went home if you were in a box.
“Here it is.” Himchan excitedly pulled Yongguk into the small area, the bushes and ivy covered fences forming a barrier between them and the world. He led him past the single slide and three uneven swings to a paint chipped bench in the corner. “This is my bench and this is my park.”
Yongguk sat beside him, back ramrod straight as he had been trained and looked around the tiny park slowly to take every detail in.
“It’s nice.” He finally answered. “Very quiet. Peaceful.” With a whoosh of air he slumped back against the back of the bench and wrapped an arm around Himchan’s neck to yank him down against him. “Now it’s more peaceful.”
This was what he had been imagining for the last year and a half, what he had wanted most of all from Yongguk. To just sit silently with him and feel his skin, warm and soft and pulsing with life.
When Yongguk smiled at him, lips so happy and wide and just for him, Himchan thought that maybe he had new things to imagine. New memories he wanted to make. Secret ones that were theirs, wants and needs that he didn’t want Yongguk to ever find out about.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk frowned down at him, the sight unwelcome on his friendly face. “Are you regretting bringing me?”
“No.” Himchan rasped out. His voice had suddenly failed him and now he just wanted to go home and pretend the last ten seconds had never happened. “Why did you really come?”
Yongguk stiffened and looked away. “I told you.” He replied calmly. “I don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life.”
“They’re going to repeal the only child act any day now.” Himchan’s eyes narrowed as he realized something. “And you’re in the army so you probably already knew that.”
“It’s not a done deal.” Yongguk closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Himchan’s. “I’ve only heard rumors.”
He had used up every favor he had and spent days in miserable conditions for him. To see him for just a moment before Himchan was shipped off. Himchan heard himself sniffing and was unsurprised to see Yongguk’s expression turn to pain. “You came to tell me goodbye. You know I’m going to be forced to enlist anyways and what, telling me goodbye gives you closure. Right?” At Yongguk’s silence he knew the answer. “You know I’m not good enough for the army and you’re already imagining my death?”
Yongguk winced. “Don’t say that word. That’s not how this is!”
Himchan shook his head and scooted down, hating the other for making him feel so worthless. “Maybe I will be a good soldier! I’m loyal and I’m hardworking and I care for people!”
“I know this, Channie.” Yongguk scooted closer to him on the bench. “I know who you are, I know how loving and caring you are but that doesn’t make you a soldier!”
This was a mistake, this wasn’t supposed to go this way. Yongguk was supposed to stay a ghost, not a real live breathing man that made his knees weak and his heart ache.
“Just leave, Yongguk. Just-Just go. You’ve said your goodbye. No more pity.”
Yongguk sat quietly beside him for a moment as if waiting for him to change his mind, but then he obviously didn’t know Himchan as well as he though he did.
“For what it’s worth,” He spoke up quietly, fingertips sliding across Himchan’s white-knuckled fist. “I would have moved the stars to find you.”
He waited until Yongguk was out of sight and long gone down the street towards home to break down and when he covered his lips with his hands and realized they smelled like Yongguk’s dirty uniform of cold and snow and trees, he wept even harder. A year and a half of building their own imaginary world together and in a split second it had all come tumbling down over his head and he had nothing.
***
“You’ll be in this ship.” His commanding officer pointed half-heartedly towards one of the dozen ships lining the water. “Second block.”
There were hundreds of boys milling around, some with families, some with girlfriends, some alone. Himchan was waiting patiently with his father with a half full duffel bag and a small box of food his mother had left on the table for him. She hadn’t wanted to see him off and after tucking him into bed the night before like he was a small child, she had shakily kissed his forehead and told him to come back safely. That was their goodbye. When he woke up that morning she was gone and his father told him she wasn’t coming to see him leave.
“You write us as soon as the mail starts again.” His father had been giving him random orders all morning. “And don’t forget to write your grandmother, too. She’ll want to hear from you.” Himchan nodded to everything he told him, but his attention was elsewhere and they both knew it.
“He didn’t think I would make a good soldier.” Himchan murmured, peering off into the deep ocean he was soon going to be riding on.
His father didn’t have to ask who he was talking about. Himchan hadn’t spoken more than a few words since Yongguk had stormed back into the house the other day and grabbed his things. He had given him and his wife a short bow as he left, hesitating at the door before he wiped his eyes on his sleeve and whispered, “I just wanted him to be safe.”
“That boy cares a lot about you. That was pretty obvious, Himchan. He left his post in the middle of a war just to check on you.”
Himchan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “He left because he felt guilty. He knew I was going to have to leave sooner or later and he didn’t want to have to worry about me. It was a goodbye visit and we both knew it.”
They didn’t speak any more about Yongguk. Himchan’s hard set shoulders and narrowed eyes were a dead giveaway that he was done with that conversation.
When he was pointed to the correct ship Himchan turned back to his father and gave him a small smile. “I guess I should go now.”
“You keep yourself safe, okay?” His father gave him a polite hug, neither of them ever being big on overt displays of affection. “Come home in one piece, that’s all I care about.”
Himchan tried to look brave as he boarded the ship that would be taking him to the outskirts of the battle line. He wasn’t sure where he was headed, but they had already told them it wouldn’t be in the thick of the war. They were to start on the outside and work their way in. That meant he would be stationed nowhere near Yongguk, or Junhong, if he was even still alive. But that was okay with him, he thought as he set his bag down on the first empty cot he saw. Each room was the same with eight cots stuck side by side and one toilet per block. He knew he’d be on the ship for at least the next week or two as they maneuvered themselves into their ports. Once on land they would stay with their blocks and form squads. He hoped they paired him with people who could handle this and not get them all killed.
They didn’t mention the handful of ships that had been captured by the enemy on their way to fight. No one knew what had happened to the hundred or so boys aboard each ship, but Himchan was smart enough to know that if it wasn’t mentioned then it wasn’t good.
He pulled Yongguk’s letters out of his bag and sat on his bed, reading through each one slowly and thoroughly for the millionth time. Regret at how they had left things bloomed in his stomach but there was nothing he could do to change them now. Some of the things he said he wanted to take back, erase from Yongguk’s mind, wherever he was.
“This the second block?” A skinny boy with a baby face but a man’s voice popped his head through the door. He looked terrified when Himchan nodded and he actually had to enter the tiny room. “O-Okay. I was just wondering. I thought I was lost.”
“I’m Kim Himchan.” He laid Yongguk’s letters down and tried to appear friendly. They were going to be living with each other for the foreseeable future so he might as well try to make friends.
The younger boy stiffened and forced an uncomfortable smile on his face. “Pyo Jihoon.” He muttered, scratching his hair nervously.
Well, that was one person in his squad that he probably wasn’t going to be close to… But there were six other boys coming and he was bound to like at least a few of them.
The noise down the block rose with boisterous laughter just before four new boys burst through with the loud voices trailing off when they saw the other two sitting awkwardly on their bunks watching them.
“You our new bunkmates?” A soft voiced boy with bright eyes grinned excitedly at them. “I’m Yukwon and this pretty face is Jaehyo.” He pointed to the two boys fighting over the last bunk in the row. “That’s Kyung and Minhyuk.”
Himchan and Jihoon introduced themselves and thankfully Yukwon was a pro at keeping the conversation going, not even blinking at Jihoon’s obvious shyness.
They were deep in a discussion over the merits of gloves versus the fingerless ones (Himchan would rather feel what he was doing and get hypothermia than fumble with his gun and get killed, thank you very much), when the seventh member of their new squad entered. A short boy with a bowl cut and glasses, he seemed friendly enough as he bowed politely to everyone and introduced himself as Taeil.
“You can have the first bunk or the third one. We’re still waiting on one person.” Yukwon sat back in his bed and yawned. “We should all probably get as much sleep as possible on the ship. We’re not going to be getting much down time anymore.”
The boat was just starting to move out of port when their last bunkmate sauntered in, bag over his shoulder and a cocky smirk on his thick lips. He sported the same cropped cut the rest of the boys had to have, but on top of his head was a pair of cheap black glasses. “Hello boys.” He greeted, throwing his bag at the floor in front of the third cot, right in between Jihoon and Himchan. “Zico. I’m too tired to learn all of your names right now. Wake me up when it’s time to eat.” He fell down on his bed and immediately closed his eyes, ignoring the other boy’s shocked faces.
“Well then…” Yukwon frowned. “It’s a good idea though. They’ll wake up us up when it’s time to eat. I’m going to sleep, too.”
Himchan was still watching the newcomer with annoyance. Who did this little punk think he was, strolling in like he was already their boss and treating them like they weren’t important?
“I know I’m handsome, Princess, but keep it in your pants.” Zico mumbled, rolling over onto his stomach. “I’m too exhausted to even get it up right now.”
Sputtering, Himchan tried to blurt out that he was staring because he didn’t like him, not trying to admire his looks. There was a soft snore from the boy’s lips and Himchan realized his excuses were in vain.
Zico didn’t have Yongguk’s warm personality shining through, his very appearance didn’t make his blood boil and his heart ache. But he wasn’t blind and he could see the obvious attractiveness of the other. Too bad his personality ruined it.
***
Dear Yongguk,
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. The mail doesn’t even get picked up anymore and they say they have no plans of restarting it. But I miss this. I miss telling you what I’m doing, I miss hearing about you and your squad. I hope Youngjae and Jongup are doing alright. You said they were growing closer and I hope that’s still the case. I’ve only been out here for eight days and I’m so lonely. Having someone I could depend on and confide in would help a lot. I guess that’s why I’m writing a letter I won’t even get to send.
We’re supposed to arrive in the next couple of days. They say we’re somewhere in the Bering Sea. I’m living with seven other boys and they’re who my squad will consist of. I like them for the most part. Jihoon is a little too quiet sometimes. I think he’s terrified of what’s going to happen when we start fighting. The other boys baby him and that seems to calm him down.
Yukwon is probably the one I’m closest to. We talk all the time about what our lives were like before the war and what we hope they’re like afterwards. I still haven’t mentioned you or your letters to him. A part of me worries that if I talk about you then our time together wasn’t real. If I keep you in my head and in my heart then I can keep you closer. I’m sorry for the things I said.
Our leader is Zico. He’s kind of an asshole, but he’s smart and he is the only person who can rally all of us together so even though it’s not official, I’m pretty sure he’ll be our Captain. He’s nowhere near the kind of leader I see you as. You’re so calm and gentle and you care about everyone while he’s abrasive and calls us all rude names if we don’t what he wants. But his methods work because we work hard in the training room and our squad is the number one ranked group in the whole ship.
Are you staying warm? Your socks are probably falling apart by now. If I was home I would send you some new ones. I would send you snacks and a new hat to replace that ugly one. I would sent you anything you needed because I’m sorry, I’m so sorry and I miss you.
I hope you’re alive, I hope you’re safe, I hope you think of me.
Love,
Himchan
***
“You’re not reaching high enough. No, a little more to the left. Now you’ve gone too far, go back to the right. Reach baby, reach!”
Yongguk rolled his eyes and slapped Youngjae’s head. “Stop it, you know they already took the bowls down to the mess hall.”
Youngjae grinned and shouted out another order to Jongup who was on his tiptoes and reaching blindly into the cabinet above him. “Yeah, but it’s fun watching him stretch like that. He’ll figure it out eventually and till then this is a free show. I think maybe you’re in the wrong cabinet, try the other one!”
With a huff of annoyance, Jongup scooted over to the next cabinet and reached as far as he could into it, shirt riding up over his hips and showing off a strip of tanned skin.
“That’s the ticket.” Youngjae muttered, elbowing Yongguk in the side. “Tell me you’re sorry, boss.”
“You’re an idiot. Hey Gup, they took the supper bowls down an hour ago!”
He left as soon as Jongup’s face turned crimson and he was storming towards his second in command promising some very harsh punishment that Yongguk didn’t have the stomach to listen to.
It had been six weeks since he’d left Himchan and he was desperate to know if he was okay, but no matter how many strings he pulled he couldn’t get a location for him. Since the mail had stopped all communications that weren’t deemed critical had been suspended and that included where each squad was posted. Yongguk assumed he was on the perimeter of Russia, but the country was so large that could still be pretty much anymore.
He pulled the picture of him out of his pocket and wished he’d had the foresight to ask for another one before things had gotten so messed up between them. This one was so faded and wrinkled that he could barely see Himchan’s face anymore.
When he had left he had been forced to wear the clothes Himchan had loaned him since his uniform was still wet. They’d smelled like him for eight hours before Yongguk couldn’t smell anything but the salty sea and cold air. Now they laid in the bottom of his duffel, wrapping up the pile of letters he never left the base without.
“You coming to eat?” Youngjae frowned when he saw Yongguk thumbing over the picture. “Boss, you’ve been in here for over thirty minutes.” He told him gently. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you and your boyfriend but we all know how obsessed you two are with each other so I’m sure it can be worked out. Just write him again when the mail starts back up.”
He hadn’t told anyone what had occurred during his leave. Nor did they know that Himchan had enlisted and was god knows where by now. All he’d said when he had showed up two days earlier than expected was that they’d had an argument and he’d left.
What was he supposed to do, just tell them all that Himchan was right? That he had known they were going to repeal the only child act, and that he had wanted to see Himchan just once before he left? Himchan knew Yongguk didn’t have faith in him as a soldier and knowing he had let him down like that was a heavy burden still on his back. Out of everyone, Yongguk should have been his biggest supporter. But Himchan was so gentle, so good from the inside out, he would never make it in this war where every day you saw people die, people mutilated, innocent boys die that should have been preparing for college not giving their life for a worthless cause.
“I can’t.” He murmured, carefully slipping the picture back into his pocket and zipping it up. “And even if I could he wouldn’t want me to.”
-----------------------------------
A/N I've finished this entire fic so there's one more part coming (there was only supposed to be two, why is there almost 19,000 words???). I also wrote these last two chapters with tequila so yeah... Not sure how they are.
Also, in case you couldn't tell (beause you all click on the songs I post, right? RIGHT???!!!), there's a new song at the top for the last two chaps. It made me cry while writing so I'm using it.
Part Four
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.7K
Part Two
Our hearts sing less than
We wanted, we wanted
Our hearts sing 'cause
We do not know, we do not know (x)
“What the…” His father motioned for them to be quiet and crept towards the window to peek outside. “It’s a soldier? Aren’t they stationed in the main part of the city?”
As soon as he opened the door, the boy rushed into the house, duffel dropped to the floor and his hands gripping onto Himchan’s fathers sweater. “Where’s Himchan?” He demanded, all formalities of respect long forgotten. “Himchan? Is he here?”
Himchan was frozen in the kitchen, his eyes locked onto the red checked hat perched on top of the soldier’s head.
“Yongguk?”
Yongguk dropped his shoulders and the deep lines in his face relaxed as he released his grip and stormed forwards yanking Himchan into his arms.
“I was so scared I was too late.” His voice was so much deeper than Himchan had ever imagined and Yongguk was slightly taller, he realized with annoyance. “God Himchan.” Himchan was still unmoving, not sure if this was a dream or if this was really Yongguk, his Yongguk, in his home safe and sound. “You’re such an idiot.”
He barked out a laugh and jerked to attention, arms reaching up to encircle Yongguk’s hips. “I thought you didn’t believe in breaks?”
“I do when my best friend tells me he’s going to join the army and get himself killed.” Yongguk’s voice was so tired and so full of emotion that Himchan couldn’t even respond.
An uncomfortable cough broke them apart with Yongguk suddenly realizing how he had acted. “I’m sorry Mr. Kim.” He bowed his head, arm still wrapped protectively around Himchan’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to frighten your family.”
Himchan’s father nodded approvingly. “You must be Himchan’s penpal he’s so fond of. Don’t apologize, he’s attacked me worse than that on days where he’s expecting a letter.”
Blushing, Himchan excused them and pulled Yongguk towards his room. “You must be exhausted. You can use my bed, come on.”
He tried to maneuver Yongguk into the bed but was stopped by a strong grip on his arm. “Why do you have a duffel in your floor?” Yongguk’s voice was sharp and he flashed suddenly angry eyes at him. “You’ve already enlisted?” He could see the answer in Himchan’s guilty expression and growled, letting him go to stalk across the floor. “Dammit, why? Why, why, why?”
“We need the extra coupon book.” Himchan replied weakly, reaching towards him. Even if Yongguk was angry at him he was still there, Yongguk was in his room. “Yongguk?”
Yongguk stopped and sat down heavily on the end of the bed, face in his palms. “I can’t transfer you to my squad if that’s what you’re hoping for.” He told him coldly. “I don’t have those types of strings to pull.”
“I know.” Himchan carefully took a step towards him.
“And if you think joining the war will help you find Junhong then you’re wrong. There are too many soldiers and dozens die every day.”
He didn’t think he would ever get used to the sound of Yongguk’s voice. “I know.” Himchan repeated. He sat down next to him, fingers itching to touch him again to make sure he was still really there.
Yongguk tentatively grabbed for his hand and squeezed it between his cold ones. “Are you doing this because of me?” He asked, voice cracking on the words. His head lifted, eyes wet and threatening to spill over.
“Yongguk.” Himchan could feel the grains of dirt still glued to his skin when he stroked across his dark cheeks. Yongguk closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, his tear tracks making smudgy streaks across his dirty face. “You’re here.”
And suddenly he was crying and he didn’t care enough to be ashamed and Yongguk was crying and he was in his arms and they were together.
Yongguk’s breath was wet through his t-shirt. He was murmuring something against his shoulder but it took Himchan a few moments to realize it was his name, low and soft and reverent. “Himchan, Himchan, Himchannie.”
***
“You’re bigger than I imagined.”
Himchan growled as he slapped him lightly in the shoulder. “Is that a polite way of saying I’m fat?”
Yongguk laughed, his teeth bright in the darkness and pulled the kicking boy back against him. “You’re not fat, I was just expecting some tiny nerdy boy.” His fingers laced with Himchan’s and he eyed them with curiosity. “You’re my size.”
“Maybe that just means you’re fat, too.” He was tired after spending the last two hours side by side and Yongguk was so warm against him in the bed that he felt his eyes start to close against his will. Sleep was the furthest thing from his mind though. Yongguk would have to leave tomorrow and then in three days he would be gone, too. These few hours alone with him were all he would have.
“Your bed is soft.” Yongguk smiled slow as he nuzzled down more into the first real bed he’d seen in years. “My bunk is a thin mattress and a tiny blanket.” He raked his fingers through Himchan’s hair. “I could probably sleep for a week.”
Himchan realized Yongguk probably hadn’t slept in days. He’d told him that as soon as he’d gotten Himchan’s last letter he’d called in every favor he had and gotten enough time to leave and make sure he was okay. He’d ridden in animal carts, dusty trains and even cargo ships that could have been destroyed for hiding soldiers onboard.
“You smell.” But instead of letting him up, Himchan held onto him even tighter, face buried against Yongguk’s chest. Yongguk fell asleep before he did, arms relaxing around him and deep, even breaths puffing against messy hair. “Goodnight Yongguk.”
He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the sound of Yongguk’s heart, music he never thought he’d ever be lucky enough to hear.
***
The next morning came earlier than either of them wanted. Himchan awoke hours before Yongguk did, his eyes blinking sleepily at the camouflage jacket in front of him. The memory of the night before came back in a rush and he carefully patted Yongguk to once again reassure himself this wasn’t a dream.
Eventually he was going to ask Yongguk why he really came. Why he risked everything just to visit. It wasn’t for Himchan’s benefit, that much he was sure of. Yongguk was keeping something from him.
He wanted Yongguk to sleep as long as he could, to relax and lay in comfort before he had to go back to the cold and desolate forests of Russia. Breakfast came and went and lunch was creeping up before Himchan reluctantly awoke a blurry eyed Yongguk.
“Himchan?” He slurred, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep out his eyes. When he had awoken and remembered where he was he gave Himchan the easy grin that made his legs buckle and his breath to shorten. “I want to see your park before I leave.”
After a shower and a fresh change of clothes that Himchan dug out of closet, they set out down the sidewalk towards Himchan’s favorite spot.
“Wait, I forgot to clean my pockets out of my uniform!” Yongguk’s eyes widened and he turned to run back towards the house. “Your picture’s in there!”
Himchan convinced him that his mother would check all of his pockets before washing his clothes. “She is really bad at calling finders keepers on whatever money she finds, but I think she’ll let you keep yours. You carry around my picture? You dork.” He teased, bumping Yongguk with his hip.
It was strange seeing Yongguk out of his uniform. It was strange seeing Yongguk period. But in his head the soldier was always in his uniform. Captain Bang from sunup to sundown.
He obviously didn’t belong in the city anymore, had spent too long isolated in the wilderness with his squad. He watched everyone carefully, eyes sliding back and forth with almost every step he took. Short hair, shaved close to his scalp on the sides was the telltale army haircut that had almost every person they passed doing a double take and whispering to their companions about.
Himchan stepped closer to him, not caring that people were wondering why Yongguk was home when everyone knew you only went home if you were in a box.
“Here it is.” Himchan excitedly pulled Yongguk into the small area, the bushes and ivy covered fences forming a barrier between them and the world. He led him past the single slide and three uneven swings to a paint chipped bench in the corner. “This is my bench and this is my park.”
Yongguk sat beside him, back ramrod straight as he had been trained and looked around the tiny park slowly to take every detail in.
“It’s nice.” He finally answered. “Very quiet. Peaceful.” With a whoosh of air he slumped back against the back of the bench and wrapped an arm around Himchan’s neck to yank him down against him. “Now it’s more peaceful.”
This was what he had been imagining for the last year and a half, what he had wanted most of all from Yongguk. To just sit silently with him and feel his skin, warm and soft and pulsing with life.
When Yongguk smiled at him, lips so happy and wide and just for him, Himchan thought that maybe he had new things to imagine. New memories he wanted to make. Secret ones that were theirs, wants and needs that he didn’t want Yongguk to ever find out about.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk frowned down at him, the sight unwelcome on his friendly face. “Are you regretting bringing me?”
“No.” Himchan rasped out. His voice had suddenly failed him and now he just wanted to go home and pretend the last ten seconds had never happened. “Why did you really come?”
Yongguk stiffened and looked away. “I told you.” He replied calmly. “I don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life.”
“They’re going to repeal the only child act any day now.” Himchan’s eyes narrowed as he realized something. “And you’re in the army so you probably already knew that.”
“It’s not a done deal.” Yongguk closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Himchan’s. “I’ve only heard rumors.”
He had used up every favor he had and spent days in miserable conditions for him. To see him for just a moment before Himchan was shipped off. Himchan heard himself sniffing and was unsurprised to see Yongguk’s expression turn to pain. “You came to tell me goodbye. You know I’m going to be forced to enlist anyways and what, telling me goodbye gives you closure. Right?” At Yongguk’s silence he knew the answer. “You know I’m not good enough for the army and you’re already imagining my death?”
Yongguk winced. “Don’t say that word. That’s not how this is!”
Himchan shook his head and scooted down, hating the other for making him feel so worthless. “Maybe I will be a good soldier! I’m loyal and I’m hardworking and I care for people!”
“I know this, Channie.” Yongguk scooted closer to him on the bench. “I know who you are, I know how loving and caring you are but that doesn’t make you a soldier!”
This was a mistake, this wasn’t supposed to go this way. Yongguk was supposed to stay a ghost, not a real live breathing man that made his knees weak and his heart ache.
“Just leave, Yongguk. Just-Just go. You’ve said your goodbye. No more pity.”
Yongguk sat quietly beside him for a moment as if waiting for him to change his mind, but then he obviously didn’t know Himchan as well as he though he did.
“For what it’s worth,” He spoke up quietly, fingertips sliding across Himchan’s white-knuckled fist. “I would have moved the stars to find you.”
He waited until Yongguk was out of sight and long gone down the street towards home to break down and when he covered his lips with his hands and realized they smelled like Yongguk’s dirty uniform of cold and snow and trees, he wept even harder. A year and a half of building their own imaginary world together and in a split second it had all come tumbling down over his head and he had nothing.
***
“You’ll be in this ship.” His commanding officer pointed half-heartedly towards one of the dozen ships lining the water. “Second block.”
There were hundreds of boys milling around, some with families, some with girlfriends, some alone. Himchan was waiting patiently with his father with a half full duffel bag and a small box of food his mother had left on the table for him. She hadn’t wanted to see him off and after tucking him into bed the night before like he was a small child, she had shakily kissed his forehead and told him to come back safely. That was their goodbye. When he woke up that morning she was gone and his father told him she wasn’t coming to see him leave.
“You write us as soon as the mail starts again.” His father had been giving him random orders all morning. “And don’t forget to write your grandmother, too. She’ll want to hear from you.” Himchan nodded to everything he told him, but his attention was elsewhere and they both knew it.
“He didn’t think I would make a good soldier.” Himchan murmured, peering off into the deep ocean he was soon going to be riding on.
His father didn’t have to ask who he was talking about. Himchan hadn’t spoken more than a few words since Yongguk had stormed back into the house the other day and grabbed his things. He had given him and his wife a short bow as he left, hesitating at the door before he wiped his eyes on his sleeve and whispered, “I just wanted him to be safe.”
“That boy cares a lot about you. That was pretty obvious, Himchan. He left his post in the middle of a war just to check on you.”
Himchan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “He left because he felt guilty. He knew I was going to have to leave sooner or later and he didn’t want to have to worry about me. It was a goodbye visit and we both knew it.”
They didn’t speak any more about Yongguk. Himchan’s hard set shoulders and narrowed eyes were a dead giveaway that he was done with that conversation.
When he was pointed to the correct ship Himchan turned back to his father and gave him a small smile. “I guess I should go now.”
“You keep yourself safe, okay?” His father gave him a polite hug, neither of them ever being big on overt displays of affection. “Come home in one piece, that’s all I care about.”
Himchan tried to look brave as he boarded the ship that would be taking him to the outskirts of the battle line. He wasn’t sure where he was headed, but they had already told them it wouldn’t be in the thick of the war. They were to start on the outside and work their way in. That meant he would be stationed nowhere near Yongguk, or Junhong, if he was even still alive. But that was okay with him, he thought as he set his bag down on the first empty cot he saw. Each room was the same with eight cots stuck side by side and one toilet per block. He knew he’d be on the ship for at least the next week or two as they maneuvered themselves into their ports. Once on land they would stay with their blocks and form squads. He hoped they paired him with people who could handle this and not get them all killed.
They didn’t mention the handful of ships that had been captured by the enemy on their way to fight. No one knew what had happened to the hundred or so boys aboard each ship, but Himchan was smart enough to know that if it wasn’t mentioned then it wasn’t good.
He pulled Yongguk’s letters out of his bag and sat on his bed, reading through each one slowly and thoroughly for the millionth time. Regret at how they had left things bloomed in his stomach but there was nothing he could do to change them now. Some of the things he said he wanted to take back, erase from Yongguk’s mind, wherever he was.
“This the second block?” A skinny boy with a baby face but a man’s voice popped his head through the door. He looked terrified when Himchan nodded and he actually had to enter the tiny room. “O-Okay. I was just wondering. I thought I was lost.”
“I’m Kim Himchan.” He laid Yongguk’s letters down and tried to appear friendly. They were going to be living with each other for the foreseeable future so he might as well try to make friends.
The younger boy stiffened and forced an uncomfortable smile on his face. “Pyo Jihoon.” He muttered, scratching his hair nervously.
Well, that was one person in his squad that he probably wasn’t going to be close to… But there were six other boys coming and he was bound to like at least a few of them.
The noise down the block rose with boisterous laughter just before four new boys burst through with the loud voices trailing off when they saw the other two sitting awkwardly on their bunks watching them.
“You our new bunkmates?” A soft voiced boy with bright eyes grinned excitedly at them. “I’m Yukwon and this pretty face is Jaehyo.” He pointed to the two boys fighting over the last bunk in the row. “That’s Kyung and Minhyuk.”
Himchan and Jihoon introduced themselves and thankfully Yukwon was a pro at keeping the conversation going, not even blinking at Jihoon’s obvious shyness.
They were deep in a discussion over the merits of gloves versus the fingerless ones (Himchan would rather feel what he was doing and get hypothermia than fumble with his gun and get killed, thank you very much), when the seventh member of their new squad entered. A short boy with a bowl cut and glasses, he seemed friendly enough as he bowed politely to everyone and introduced himself as Taeil.
“You can have the first bunk or the third one. We’re still waiting on one person.” Yukwon sat back in his bed and yawned. “We should all probably get as much sleep as possible on the ship. We’re not going to be getting much down time anymore.”
The boat was just starting to move out of port when their last bunkmate sauntered in, bag over his shoulder and a cocky smirk on his thick lips. He sported the same cropped cut the rest of the boys had to have, but on top of his head was a pair of cheap black glasses. “Hello boys.” He greeted, throwing his bag at the floor in front of the third cot, right in between Jihoon and Himchan. “Zico. I’m too tired to learn all of your names right now. Wake me up when it’s time to eat.” He fell down on his bed and immediately closed his eyes, ignoring the other boy’s shocked faces.
“Well then…” Yukwon frowned. “It’s a good idea though. They’ll wake up us up when it’s time to eat. I’m going to sleep, too.”
Himchan was still watching the newcomer with annoyance. Who did this little punk think he was, strolling in like he was already their boss and treating them like they weren’t important?
“I know I’m handsome, Princess, but keep it in your pants.” Zico mumbled, rolling over onto his stomach. “I’m too exhausted to even get it up right now.”
Sputtering, Himchan tried to blurt out that he was staring because he didn’t like him, not trying to admire his looks. There was a soft snore from the boy’s lips and Himchan realized his excuses were in vain.
Zico didn’t have Yongguk’s warm personality shining through, his very appearance didn’t make his blood boil and his heart ache. But he wasn’t blind and he could see the obvious attractiveness of the other. Too bad his personality ruined it.
***
Dear Yongguk,
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. The mail doesn’t even get picked up anymore and they say they have no plans of restarting it. But I miss this. I miss telling you what I’m doing, I miss hearing about you and your squad. I hope Youngjae and Jongup are doing alright. You said they were growing closer and I hope that’s still the case. I’ve only been out here for eight days and I’m so lonely. Having someone I could depend on and confide in would help a lot. I guess that’s why I’m writing a letter I won’t even get to send.
We’re supposed to arrive in the next couple of days. They say we’re somewhere in the Bering Sea. I’m living with seven other boys and they’re who my squad will consist of. I like them for the most part. Jihoon is a little too quiet sometimes. I think he’s terrified of what’s going to happen when we start fighting. The other boys baby him and that seems to calm him down.
Yukwon is probably the one I’m closest to. We talk all the time about what our lives were like before the war and what we hope they’re like afterwards. I still haven’t mentioned you or your letters to him. A part of me worries that if I talk about you then our time together wasn’t real. If I keep you in my head and in my heart then I can keep you closer. I’m sorry for the things I said.
Our leader is Zico. He’s kind of an asshole, but he’s smart and he is the only person who can rally all of us together so even though it’s not official, I’m pretty sure he’ll be our Captain. He’s nowhere near the kind of leader I see you as. You’re so calm and gentle and you care about everyone while he’s abrasive and calls us all rude names if we don’t what he wants. But his methods work because we work hard in the training room and our squad is the number one ranked group in the whole ship.
Are you staying warm? Your socks are probably falling apart by now. If I was home I would send you some new ones. I would send you snacks and a new hat to replace that ugly one. I would sent you anything you needed because I’m sorry, I’m so sorry and I miss you.
I hope you’re alive, I hope you’re safe, I hope you think of me.
Love,
Himchan
***
“You’re not reaching high enough. No, a little more to the left. Now you’ve gone too far, go back to the right. Reach baby, reach!”
Yongguk rolled his eyes and slapped Youngjae’s head. “Stop it, you know they already took the bowls down to the mess hall.”
Youngjae grinned and shouted out another order to Jongup who was on his tiptoes and reaching blindly into the cabinet above him. “Yeah, but it’s fun watching him stretch like that. He’ll figure it out eventually and till then this is a free show. I think maybe you’re in the wrong cabinet, try the other one!”
With a huff of annoyance, Jongup scooted over to the next cabinet and reached as far as he could into it, shirt riding up over his hips and showing off a strip of tanned skin.
“That’s the ticket.” Youngjae muttered, elbowing Yongguk in the side. “Tell me you’re sorry, boss.”
“You’re an idiot. Hey Gup, they took the supper bowls down an hour ago!”
He left as soon as Jongup’s face turned crimson and he was storming towards his second in command promising some very harsh punishment that Yongguk didn’t have the stomach to listen to.
It had been six weeks since he’d left Himchan and he was desperate to know if he was okay, but no matter how many strings he pulled he couldn’t get a location for him. Since the mail had stopped all communications that weren’t deemed critical had been suspended and that included where each squad was posted. Yongguk assumed he was on the perimeter of Russia, but the country was so large that could still be pretty much anymore.
He pulled the picture of him out of his pocket and wished he’d had the foresight to ask for another one before things had gotten so messed up between them. This one was so faded and wrinkled that he could barely see Himchan’s face anymore.
When he had left he had been forced to wear the clothes Himchan had loaned him since his uniform was still wet. They’d smelled like him for eight hours before Yongguk couldn’t smell anything but the salty sea and cold air. Now they laid in the bottom of his duffel, wrapping up the pile of letters he never left the base without.
“You coming to eat?” Youngjae frowned when he saw Yongguk thumbing over the picture. “Boss, you’ve been in here for over thirty minutes.” He told him gently. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you and your boyfriend but we all know how obsessed you two are with each other so I’m sure it can be worked out. Just write him again when the mail starts back up.”
He hadn’t told anyone what had occurred during his leave. Nor did they know that Himchan had enlisted and was god knows where by now. All he’d said when he had showed up two days earlier than expected was that they’d had an argument and he’d left.
What was he supposed to do, just tell them all that Himchan was right? That he had known they were going to repeal the only child act, and that he had wanted to see Himchan just once before he left? Himchan knew Yongguk didn’t have faith in him as a soldier and knowing he had let him down like that was a heavy burden still on his back. Out of everyone, Yongguk should have been his biggest supporter. But Himchan was so gentle, so good from the inside out, he would never make it in this war where every day you saw people die, people mutilated, innocent boys die that should have been preparing for college not giving their life for a worthless cause.
“I can’t.” He murmured, carefully slipping the picture back into his pocket and zipping it up. “And even if I could he wouldn’t want me to.”
-----------------------------------
A/N I've finished this entire fic so there's one more part coming (there was only supposed to be two, why is there almost 19,000 words???). I also wrote these last two chapters with tequila so yeah... Not sure how they are.
Also, in case you couldn't tell (beause you all click on the songs I post, right? RIGHT???!!!), there's a new song at the top for the last two chaps. It made me cry while writing so I'm using it.
Part Four