The Reeducation of Himchan part four
Pairing: ZiChan/HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 4K
part three
Daehyun texted him thirteen times by the time he pulled himself out of his bed on Sunday afternoon. Twenty-four hours of alone time to reflect on what he had done and why he had done it had only made him second guess himself even more.
You better be dying.
I’m kind of worried and I don’t even like you that much.
Jongup thinks you hate him and that’s why you’re ignoring everyone.
There was only one text from Jongup and it was a simple Hello! complete with six emoticon smiley faces.
Zico had never used them. He called them stupid and it only served to make Himchan want to send them to him all the time just to tease him. But now it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t as much fun to send them to someone who actually enjoyed them.
He missed Zico.
They had gone days without talking, weeks without video chatting, months without a single shared touch. This though was permanent and Himchan wasn’t sure how long it would take to comprehend that.
I told Zico about Jongup. We broke up. Don’t feel like talking.
Daehyun texted back a dozen question marks and apparently didn’t even read Himchan’s last sentence because a few seconds later his phone lit up with an incoming call.
“Do you even care that I said I didn’t feel like talking?”
“Have I ever cared what you say?” Daehyun retorted before he shushed Youngjae in the background. “Jae wants to know when you’re coming home and when you and Jongup are getting married.”
He smashed his face into the pillow and screamed as loud as he could. “I’ve not even talked to Jongup. I don’t want him to think I did this for him.”
“Didn’t you though?”
Maybe a little bit. Of course he was interested in Jongup. His palms got sweaty and his mouth grew drier every time Jongup was near him. But he wasn’t Zico.
“I would have done this regardless of there being a Jongup in the picture.” He told him truthfully. Zico and him had this coming for months now and maybe Jongup was the catalyst that made it happen faster but everyone knew it was bound to happen eventually.
Daehyun murmured something to Youngjae that he couldn’t catch, probably something about how he was in denial of his feelings. They were bound and determined to push him towards Jongup no matter what he thought about the matter.
“When are you coming home? Will you be back by dinner? Come over and eat with us.”
“Is this another setup and when I show up Jongup will already be there?”
“Would I do that to you?” At Himchan’s silent response, Daehyun laughed loudly into his ear. “Yeah, I know. I totally would. We’ll see you at six. Don’t be late or I’ll send Jae out looking for you and he’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to getting what he wants.” He hung up without waiting for an answer, already satisfied that Himchan would be there at the appointed time.
He could hear Junhong and Yongguk across the hall laughing as they packed the tiny bedroom up and wondered what he could have done differently so that he was that lucky. Their relationship had started off so well with Zico coming up with Junhong every other weekend and making dates to video chat at least three nights a week. Then Zico’s mother had been forced to look for a new car after hers broke down for the last time. That brought on the first of the extra shifts. A few months later Rinnie had come down with case after case of strep throat and ear infections until they finally found out she needed her tonsils out. Zico had been so worn out on the handful of times he had made it out that Himchan had finally stopped asking him. Having a boyfriend that showed up to kiss you and then fall asleep in your bed for twelve hours wasn’t worth the weekly build up that Himchan felt.
I heard what happened. I hope you’re okay. :(
He read Jongup’s incoming text with apprehension. Even though he was single now he didn’t want to just jump right into another serious relationship. He needed time to get over Zico and stop feeling like half of a person.
“Hey.” Junhong slowly opened his door and stuck his face around the corner. “We’re ready to go whenever you want to leave. Yongguk’s taking the last box out to the car now.”
Himchan nodded and tried to speak but his mouth felt like it was full of cotton and drier than sand. “Okay.” He rasped out, pulling himself to his feet. “Let me go take a shower first.”
Junhong chewed on the corner of his cheek as Himchan rummaged through his duffel bag for clean clothes. “Are you not even going to ask how he was when I went over there?”
The mention of Zico made Himchan’s stomach fill with acid. “I didn’t figure I deserved to know.”
“Of course you do.” Junhong rolled his eyes and pushed his way into the room. He was so much taller than his older brother now that Himchan felt like a child standing next to him. Small and insignificant. “He held it together until Rinnie left. But Himchan, he’s fucking heartbroken. And the worst part is that he thinks everything was his fault. That you cheated on him because he wasn’t good enough for you.” Junhong loved his brother and would always have his back but Himchan had already seen that when it comes to their relationship he would always take his best friend’s side. “I understand why you did what you did and I know you wouldn’t have gone out looking for someone else but he doesn’t deserve to feel worthless. Zico is a great person and right now he thinks you left him because you realized he was trash. That was really shitty of you.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself but Junhong waved off the excuses.
“I’m not going to say another word about it. Everything’s over and done with. But when we get home I want to meet this Jongup and if he’s not half the man Zico is then he better run and he better run fast.” Junhong stood up straight and glared down at his brother until Himchan nodded in defeat. “Now hurry up and shower because I’m ready to finally get out of this house.”
---
“Are you seeing him tonight?” Junhong tried to sound casual but the tension around his eyes gave away how difficult that question was for him to ask.
Himchan nodded as he unpacked his duffel bag and threw all of the dirty clothes into the floor. Later he could deal with laundry but right now he was starving and Daehyun had blown his phone up for the last thirty minutes asking where he was. “I think he’ll be over at Daehyun and Youngjae’s apartment.”
Junhong mumbled under his breath and picked the clothes up to put into the hamper. “Don’t be a slob, Himchan. I have to live here too now.” He picked the hamper up to take downstairs to the joint washing machine. “So when do we get to meet him?”
“When I decide that I want you to?” Jongup was still an idea in his head, something intangible that he was trying to put a form to. His brother would only want hard answers and details that Himchan wasn’t ready to think about yet.
That answer apparently wasn’t good enough for his pushy little brother.
“If he’s a part of your life then he’s a part of our life and I think we deserve to get to know him, too.” Junhong retorted. “Don’t think I won’t stalk you without you even knowing about it.”
He sighed. That new apartment idea was starting to look good again. “You’ll meet him, okay? Just not yet. Not until we’re…” Himchan’s face scrunched up into a grimace. “Something. Something important enough for you to know about it.”
Junhong nodded, pleased finally with the brush-off. “It’s good if you don’t rush into things with him. If he’s a rebound then it wouldn’t last.” He held his hand out for Himchan, rolling his eyes as his brother shot him a blank stare. “I’m not your live-in maid, Himchan. If you want me to do your laundry then you’re paying for it.”
---
Daehyun met him at the door before he could even knock. His fist was already coming down towards the wood and instead he thumped into Daehyun’s forehead.
“Idiot.”
“You’re lucky I’m happy to see you.” Daehyun told him dryly, rubbing his palm into his sore head. “Come in. Jongup’s on his way. He had a study group to go to.”
Himchan felt relief that he still had a little bit longer to prepare himself for seeing Jongup again. Before this weekend started it was different, he felt safe. Now it was like he was cut open and raw and everyone would be able to see his horrible secrets.
“Hello.” Youngjae stood stiffly by the door as Himchan took off his shoes. “How are you this evening?”
He looked up with an eyebrow raised. “Are you practicing etiquette to meet the queen or something?”
Youngjae visibly deflated, his glare turning towards his boyfriend. “Daehyun said I had to be on my best behavior and not to mess with you tonight.”
“Well stop.” Youngjae being nice to him just made him think he was going to cannibalize him later. “It freaks me out. Just continue to be your normal asshole self.”
“Good.” Youngjae grinned slyly at him. “So you gonna sleep with Jongup tonight or not?”
“Youngjae!”
He shrieked in terror as Daehyun’s wooden spoon for stirring the soup flew up in the air ready to fly down and slap him with it.
“We were both thinking it!” Youngjae screamed, racing to the other side of the kitchen table. “I was just brave enough to ask it!”
Himchan watched them and let a small smile slip across his lips. As long as there was these two to break the ice and keep things light then the night should go okay.
“Jae in trouble again?”
A soft voice close to his ear made him jump in fright. He turned to see Jongup standing way to close to him, so close he could see the freckles dusting his face and smell his cologne.
“Hi.”
He swallowed thickly, taking a step backwards to give himself some breathing room. “Hey.” Jongup’s lips twitched in amusement at his shaky reply.
“Oh good, Jongup’s here.” Daehyun gave up trying to scare his boyfriend and waved the newcomer in. “Dinner’s almost done. We’re starting soups and roux’s next semester so I thought I would get a head start tonight.”
They took their places at the table with Jongup seated across from him. He was still too nervous to look up and see his expression. Tonight they both understood things were different between them. Jongup might expect him to be ready for serious dating again and he just wasn’t. Not when the memory of Zico’s betrayed eyes were still fresh in his mind.
“How was graduation?” Jongup tried to draw him into conversation anyway, either not noticing Himchan’s awkwardness or not caring. “Was your brother excited to be done with school?”
He shrugged, stirring his soup carelessly. “He was more excited about moving in with Yongguk. They’re almost disgustingly in love.”
“Is he going to do okay being away from your parents?”
The other three boys around the table simultaneously snorted. Youngjae and Daehyun had all heard his stories about his mother so they knew Junhong was ecstatic to get away from her.
“I think that was his second favorite part of moving out. I don’t see him wanting to visit home again anytime soon.”
Jongup nodded. “I don’t really like to visit home much either. Once I moved out my dad pretty much told me to have a nice life.”
Himchan jerked his knees up so high that they banged against the table. The socked feet suddenly brushing against him locked around his ankle holding him still. He looked across the table to see Jongup smiling shyly at him. If he pulled his feet away it might hurt Jongup’s feelings and he didn’t want that. But it also made him feel awkward having someone privately touching him underneath the table. Zico didn’t even pretend to hide his touches, always making some excuse or another to kiss him or pull him closer.
“So when’s you two’s last class? I have finals every day this week and Daehyun has them every day but Tuesday.”
“My classes are longer so I have fewer ones.” Jongup answered casually even as the arch of his foot slid across the top of Himchan’s sock. “I only have three finals this week.”
Himchan used the excuse of taking a drink to calm himself before answering. “Every day but Thursday.” He stammered. It amazed him how Jongup could go from being abnormally shy one second to sex vixen the second. He was going to get whiplash from all of these turnarounds. “I haven’t really studied much for them though.”
Daehyun pushed the basket of bread towards him with a grin. “Eat up and then go home to study. If you fail we might have to pretend we don’t know you anymore.”
He laughed but it was weak and his eyes were glued to Jongup’s bright and innocent ones across the table.
How could he be so attracted to someone that was so different from Zico?
---
Daehyun practically shoved him out of the door when dinner was over. As soon as Jongup mentioned needing to be home before they locked the dorms he started rushing them out.
“Himchan will walk you home. Thanks for coming!”
They walked down the hall with close to a foot of space between them. Himchan could smell Jongup’s cologne and his hair bounced with every step he took and it took all of his self-control not to gather him up in his arms and squeeze him for being so adorable.
“You don’t have to walk me home if you don’t want to.” Jongup brushed against him to push the elevator button. “It’s not far from here. I can walk it.”
He remembered telling his brother that he was going to take things with Jongup slowly and he was so sure about it at the time. But now that the other boy was standing right next to him and was looking up at him with soft eyes he regretted ever opening his mouth.
“No. I’ll do it.” He smiled at the way Jongup’s furrowed brow smoothed out and how when he smiled wide like that Himchan could see that his teeth were slightly crooked. It made him look even younger and cuter and Himchan loved it. “I’ve walked you home before.”
“Yeah…” Jongup leaned against the elevator wall, his shoulder so close that it bumped Himchan every time he took a breath. “But you had a boyfriend then. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable around me now.”
Himchan could hear the thinly veiled nervousness through his words. He was trying to sound like he didn’t care one way or another but they both knew he really did.
“I like you, Jongup. Things are weird now but that’s on me not you.” He murmured. The elevator dinged and they jumped apart as the doors opened to reveal a woman waiting to get on.
Jongup ducked his head and smiled as they left the apartment. He glanced at Himchan from the corner of his eye, bottom lip snug between his teeth. “I like you, too.” His knuckles slid across Himchan’s, but he didn’t make a move to grab his hand, merely content to just lightly touch him right now. “Things between us don’t have to be weird. Not if you don’t want them to be.”
He raised an eyebrow in amusement. “What do you have in mind?”
Jongup shrugged. “You could kiss me and see if that helps.”
He tripped over the sidewalk and stumbled into a light pole to catch his footing. Jongup stood above him and laughed happily. “Well that’s one way to break the ice.”
“I have my moments.” Jongup teased, helping him back to his feet. His hand stayed where it was instead of moving away, fingers interlaced with Himchan’s slim delicate ones. “At least I know I can make things interesting now.”
Himchan’s arm was warm and heavy with Jongup’s overtopping it. He wasn’t used to this position since Zico was the same height as him. Jongup fit almost in the crook of his arm and if he wanted to he could lay his head down and breathe him in.
“I promised my brother I’d take things slow with you.” He wanted to always tell the truth to Jongup because he couldn’t take another relationship built on lies and misunderstandings. “And that if I did think I wanted to date you that I would let him meet you first.”
Jongup wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Your brother probably just wants to kill me and hide my body where no one could find it. I remember you told me that he was best friends with your ex.”
The word ex stung him and made his heart ache.
“He is. But he’s still my brother.”
“Okay then.” Jongup squeezed his fingers. “If that’s what you want then I’ll meet him.” He turned down an alley to take a shortcut to his dorm. “So does you mentioning it mean that you want a relationship with me?”
He wasn’t sure what he wanted with Jongup in the long run, not yet. What he really wanted was everything back to normal and Zico’s loud laughter in his ear and Zico’s hand hot and heavy on his thigh and his heart safe in Zico’s palm. But that reality was gone now and he had to put bandages on his heart and find someone else to give it to. Someone who deserved it.
“Would you be mad if I said yes, but not yet?”
Jongup stopped in front of his dorm and lifted Himchan’s hand to his face, sliding lips across the knuckles, one by one by one. “Just don’t take forever yeah? I’ve been waiting a long time to finally kiss you.”
---
Youngjae tried to convince him to change his phone number. “He’ll get drunk and lonely and call you up one day and you’ll feel so sorry for him that you’ll go running right back.”
Daehyun told him it was perfectly normal to slide right into a serious relationship with Jongup. “Youngjae told me he liked me and then we were sharing a bedroom that same night and look at how happy we are.”
But his brother and roommate were the ones leery over his relationship with Jongup, telling him to keep thinking it over until Zico was one hundred percent out of his heart.
How could he ever promise something like that though? It wasn’t like he even wanted to forget Zico. Their being together was an important part of his life and he could never say he didn’t love him. You can’t love someone with all of your heart and then toss that away like yesterday’s trash just because someone told you to.
“It’s been three weeks since you broke up with him. You’ve gone out on almost a dozen dates with Jongup. Isn’t it time to make it official?”
He lifted his head from his phone and frowned. “Have you seriously been counting our dates?”
Youngjae threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “He’s not going to wait forever!”
“Yes he is.”
Jongup had told him more than once that he would wait until Himchan was ready to move on and that he even kind of liked that it was a slow process. “That just means you’re really serious about it and will be really serious about me too when it’s time.”
That’s not to say that he was waiting with an infinite amount of patience. Last night Himchan had ended up with his back against Jongup’s door and a hickey blossoming under his ear.
“Only because you let him suck on your neck. That’s right, the whole world can see it. At least cover that shit with concealer.” Youngjae curled up a lip in disgust. “I don’t understand how you refuse to kiss him but it’s okay for him to do whatever he wants to you.”
It didn’t make a lick of sense but it made Himchan feel better. Like he was still in charge of his choices at least a little bit. Plus, like Jongup had told him the first time his lips had ever touched Himchan’s skin, it would only serve to make Himchan want more. He looked down at his phone again and wondered how long Jongup was going to be at dinner with his friends.
“Everyone keeps saying not to officially move on until I’m over Zico.” He blinked down at his hands. “And I’m not. I still miss him. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me not to wish things were different.”
Daehyun put the book in his lap down and kicked playfully at Himchan’s feet. “It’s okay to miss him you know. You loved him a lot. You’ll probably always miss him. We don’t mean that you should wait until that’s gone. Just that when you realize it’s over and that there’s nothing you can do to change it you need to give up and move on.”
He opened his mouth then closed it only to open it again. “I know things are over between us. And I know that there’s no way we can be together again because he’s never going to leave his mom and sister in need and he would rather die than ask me for help. I know all of those things.”
“Then I think that means you’re ready to move on.” Daehyun told him softly.
Jongup’s name flashed across his phone with a text telling him he was home and missed him. Himchan looked at the text then back to Daehyun with wide eyes.
“Go.”
He didn’t need to be told twice, shooting up out of his chair and towards the door, shoving his shoes on his feet and running as fast as he could towards Jongup. His chest felt as if a million pounds had been eased off of it because the guilt that had been crushing him for the last three weeks since his breakup was gone. Every second he had been with Jongup he had felt remorse that Zico was still in the back of his mind and he had felt unfaithful to Zico for wanting someone so soon after their breakup. Now he understood that it was normal to feel so conflicted and that he might always feel that way but at least he could say he had wanted Jongup so much that the thought of him being a rebound relationship had stressed him out so badly that he had pushed him away for it.
But not anymore.
His fists pounded on Jongup’s door and he used the few seconds it took the shocked boy to answer to catch his breath.
“Himchan? What’s wr-“
Jongup broke off with a muffled oomph as Himchan jumped towards him, covering his lips with his own and wrapping his arms so tightly around Jongup’s waist so that he could never get away from him.
He tasted like barbeque and beer and need as Himchan slid his tongue inside of his mouth, running it possessively over every square inch. They had weeks to make up for in this kiss and he wasn’t going to waste a single second.
The technique was different from what Himchan had gotten used to over the last year. It was obvious Jongup was inexperienced but his barely restrained moans with every lick Himchan made into his mouth were more than enough.
“Hi.” He whispered, taking a second to catch his breath and to gauge Jongup’s reaction. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”
“Worth it.” Jongup breathed back at him. His fists were clenched tightly in Himchan’s t-shirt and he was using it to hold himself upright. The hard chest pressed against Himchan’s was rapidly raising and lowering as Jongup struggled to find his words. “What changed your mind?”
When Jongup’s tongue swiped across his swollen bottom lip, Himchan grinned and shut the door, pushing him further into the dorm. “You did.”
part five
Rated: PG13
Length: 4K
part three
Daehyun texted him thirteen times by the time he pulled himself out of his bed on Sunday afternoon. Twenty-four hours of alone time to reflect on what he had done and why he had done it had only made him second guess himself even more.
You better be dying.
I’m kind of worried and I don’t even like you that much.
Jongup thinks you hate him and that’s why you’re ignoring everyone.
There was only one text from Jongup and it was a simple Hello! complete with six emoticon smiley faces.
Zico had never used them. He called them stupid and it only served to make Himchan want to send them to him all the time just to tease him. But now it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t as much fun to send them to someone who actually enjoyed them.
He missed Zico.
They had gone days without talking, weeks without video chatting, months without a single shared touch. This though was permanent and Himchan wasn’t sure how long it would take to comprehend that.
I told Zico about Jongup. We broke up. Don’t feel like talking.
Daehyun texted back a dozen question marks and apparently didn’t even read Himchan’s last sentence because a few seconds later his phone lit up with an incoming call.
“Do you even care that I said I didn’t feel like talking?”
“Have I ever cared what you say?” Daehyun retorted before he shushed Youngjae in the background. “Jae wants to know when you’re coming home and when you and Jongup are getting married.”
He smashed his face into the pillow and screamed as loud as he could. “I’ve not even talked to Jongup. I don’t want him to think I did this for him.”
“Didn’t you though?”
Maybe a little bit. Of course he was interested in Jongup. His palms got sweaty and his mouth grew drier every time Jongup was near him. But he wasn’t Zico.
“I would have done this regardless of there being a Jongup in the picture.” He told him truthfully. Zico and him had this coming for months now and maybe Jongup was the catalyst that made it happen faster but everyone knew it was bound to happen eventually.
Daehyun murmured something to Youngjae that he couldn’t catch, probably something about how he was in denial of his feelings. They were bound and determined to push him towards Jongup no matter what he thought about the matter.
“When are you coming home? Will you be back by dinner? Come over and eat with us.”
“Is this another setup and when I show up Jongup will already be there?”
“Would I do that to you?” At Himchan’s silent response, Daehyun laughed loudly into his ear. “Yeah, I know. I totally would. We’ll see you at six. Don’t be late or I’ll send Jae out looking for you and he’s like a dog with a bone when it comes to getting what he wants.” He hung up without waiting for an answer, already satisfied that Himchan would be there at the appointed time.
He could hear Junhong and Yongguk across the hall laughing as they packed the tiny bedroom up and wondered what he could have done differently so that he was that lucky. Their relationship had started off so well with Zico coming up with Junhong every other weekend and making dates to video chat at least three nights a week. Then Zico’s mother had been forced to look for a new car after hers broke down for the last time. That brought on the first of the extra shifts. A few months later Rinnie had come down with case after case of strep throat and ear infections until they finally found out she needed her tonsils out. Zico had been so worn out on the handful of times he had made it out that Himchan had finally stopped asking him. Having a boyfriend that showed up to kiss you and then fall asleep in your bed for twelve hours wasn’t worth the weekly build up that Himchan felt.
I heard what happened. I hope you’re okay. :(
He read Jongup’s incoming text with apprehension. Even though he was single now he didn’t want to just jump right into another serious relationship. He needed time to get over Zico and stop feeling like half of a person.
“Hey.” Junhong slowly opened his door and stuck his face around the corner. “We’re ready to go whenever you want to leave. Yongguk’s taking the last box out to the car now.”
Himchan nodded and tried to speak but his mouth felt like it was full of cotton and drier than sand. “Okay.” He rasped out, pulling himself to his feet. “Let me go take a shower first.”
Junhong chewed on the corner of his cheek as Himchan rummaged through his duffel bag for clean clothes. “Are you not even going to ask how he was when I went over there?”
The mention of Zico made Himchan’s stomach fill with acid. “I didn’t figure I deserved to know.”
“Of course you do.” Junhong rolled his eyes and pushed his way into the room. He was so much taller than his older brother now that Himchan felt like a child standing next to him. Small and insignificant. “He held it together until Rinnie left. But Himchan, he’s fucking heartbroken. And the worst part is that he thinks everything was his fault. That you cheated on him because he wasn’t good enough for you.” Junhong loved his brother and would always have his back but Himchan had already seen that when it comes to their relationship he would always take his best friend’s side. “I understand why you did what you did and I know you wouldn’t have gone out looking for someone else but he doesn’t deserve to feel worthless. Zico is a great person and right now he thinks you left him because you realized he was trash. That was really shitty of you.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself but Junhong waved off the excuses.
“I’m not going to say another word about it. Everything’s over and done with. But when we get home I want to meet this Jongup and if he’s not half the man Zico is then he better run and he better run fast.” Junhong stood up straight and glared down at his brother until Himchan nodded in defeat. “Now hurry up and shower because I’m ready to finally get out of this house.”
---
“Are you seeing him tonight?” Junhong tried to sound casual but the tension around his eyes gave away how difficult that question was for him to ask.
Himchan nodded as he unpacked his duffel bag and threw all of the dirty clothes into the floor. Later he could deal with laundry but right now he was starving and Daehyun had blown his phone up for the last thirty minutes asking where he was. “I think he’ll be over at Daehyun and Youngjae’s apartment.”
Junhong mumbled under his breath and picked the clothes up to put into the hamper. “Don’t be a slob, Himchan. I have to live here too now.” He picked the hamper up to take downstairs to the joint washing machine. “So when do we get to meet him?”
“When I decide that I want you to?” Jongup was still an idea in his head, something intangible that he was trying to put a form to. His brother would only want hard answers and details that Himchan wasn’t ready to think about yet.
That answer apparently wasn’t good enough for his pushy little brother.
“If he’s a part of your life then he’s a part of our life and I think we deserve to get to know him, too.” Junhong retorted. “Don’t think I won’t stalk you without you even knowing about it.”
He sighed. That new apartment idea was starting to look good again. “You’ll meet him, okay? Just not yet. Not until we’re…” Himchan’s face scrunched up into a grimace. “Something. Something important enough for you to know about it.”
Junhong nodded, pleased finally with the brush-off. “It’s good if you don’t rush into things with him. If he’s a rebound then it wouldn’t last.” He held his hand out for Himchan, rolling his eyes as his brother shot him a blank stare. “I’m not your live-in maid, Himchan. If you want me to do your laundry then you’re paying for it.”
---
Daehyun met him at the door before he could even knock. His fist was already coming down towards the wood and instead he thumped into Daehyun’s forehead.
“Idiot.”
“You’re lucky I’m happy to see you.” Daehyun told him dryly, rubbing his palm into his sore head. “Come in. Jongup’s on his way. He had a study group to go to.”
Himchan felt relief that he still had a little bit longer to prepare himself for seeing Jongup again. Before this weekend started it was different, he felt safe. Now it was like he was cut open and raw and everyone would be able to see his horrible secrets.
“Hello.” Youngjae stood stiffly by the door as Himchan took off his shoes. “How are you this evening?”
He looked up with an eyebrow raised. “Are you practicing etiquette to meet the queen or something?”
Youngjae visibly deflated, his glare turning towards his boyfriend. “Daehyun said I had to be on my best behavior and not to mess with you tonight.”
“Well stop.” Youngjae being nice to him just made him think he was going to cannibalize him later. “It freaks me out. Just continue to be your normal asshole self.”
“Good.” Youngjae grinned slyly at him. “So you gonna sleep with Jongup tonight or not?”
“Youngjae!”
He shrieked in terror as Daehyun’s wooden spoon for stirring the soup flew up in the air ready to fly down and slap him with it.
“We were both thinking it!” Youngjae screamed, racing to the other side of the kitchen table. “I was just brave enough to ask it!”
Himchan watched them and let a small smile slip across his lips. As long as there was these two to break the ice and keep things light then the night should go okay.
“Jae in trouble again?”
A soft voice close to his ear made him jump in fright. He turned to see Jongup standing way to close to him, so close he could see the freckles dusting his face and smell his cologne.
“Hi.”
He swallowed thickly, taking a step backwards to give himself some breathing room. “Hey.” Jongup’s lips twitched in amusement at his shaky reply.
“Oh good, Jongup’s here.” Daehyun gave up trying to scare his boyfriend and waved the newcomer in. “Dinner’s almost done. We’re starting soups and roux’s next semester so I thought I would get a head start tonight.”
They took their places at the table with Jongup seated across from him. He was still too nervous to look up and see his expression. Tonight they both understood things were different between them. Jongup might expect him to be ready for serious dating again and he just wasn’t. Not when the memory of Zico’s betrayed eyes were still fresh in his mind.
“How was graduation?” Jongup tried to draw him into conversation anyway, either not noticing Himchan’s awkwardness or not caring. “Was your brother excited to be done with school?”
He shrugged, stirring his soup carelessly. “He was more excited about moving in with Yongguk. They’re almost disgustingly in love.”
“Is he going to do okay being away from your parents?”
The other three boys around the table simultaneously snorted. Youngjae and Daehyun had all heard his stories about his mother so they knew Junhong was ecstatic to get away from her.
“I think that was his second favorite part of moving out. I don’t see him wanting to visit home again anytime soon.”
Jongup nodded. “I don’t really like to visit home much either. Once I moved out my dad pretty much told me to have a nice life.”
Himchan jerked his knees up so high that they banged against the table. The socked feet suddenly brushing against him locked around his ankle holding him still. He looked across the table to see Jongup smiling shyly at him. If he pulled his feet away it might hurt Jongup’s feelings and he didn’t want that. But it also made him feel awkward having someone privately touching him underneath the table. Zico didn’t even pretend to hide his touches, always making some excuse or another to kiss him or pull him closer.
“So when’s you two’s last class? I have finals every day this week and Daehyun has them every day but Tuesday.”
“My classes are longer so I have fewer ones.” Jongup answered casually even as the arch of his foot slid across the top of Himchan’s sock. “I only have three finals this week.”
Himchan used the excuse of taking a drink to calm himself before answering. “Every day but Thursday.” He stammered. It amazed him how Jongup could go from being abnormally shy one second to sex vixen the second. He was going to get whiplash from all of these turnarounds. “I haven’t really studied much for them though.”
Daehyun pushed the basket of bread towards him with a grin. “Eat up and then go home to study. If you fail we might have to pretend we don’t know you anymore.”
He laughed but it was weak and his eyes were glued to Jongup’s bright and innocent ones across the table.
How could he be so attracted to someone that was so different from Zico?
---
Daehyun practically shoved him out of the door when dinner was over. As soon as Jongup mentioned needing to be home before they locked the dorms he started rushing them out.
“Himchan will walk you home. Thanks for coming!”
They walked down the hall with close to a foot of space between them. Himchan could smell Jongup’s cologne and his hair bounced with every step he took and it took all of his self-control not to gather him up in his arms and squeeze him for being so adorable.
“You don’t have to walk me home if you don’t want to.” Jongup brushed against him to push the elevator button. “It’s not far from here. I can walk it.”
He remembered telling his brother that he was going to take things with Jongup slowly and he was so sure about it at the time. But now that the other boy was standing right next to him and was looking up at him with soft eyes he regretted ever opening his mouth.
“No. I’ll do it.” He smiled at the way Jongup’s furrowed brow smoothed out and how when he smiled wide like that Himchan could see that his teeth were slightly crooked. It made him look even younger and cuter and Himchan loved it. “I’ve walked you home before.”
“Yeah…” Jongup leaned against the elevator wall, his shoulder so close that it bumped Himchan every time he took a breath. “But you had a boyfriend then. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable around me now.”
Himchan could hear the thinly veiled nervousness through his words. He was trying to sound like he didn’t care one way or another but they both knew he really did.
“I like you, Jongup. Things are weird now but that’s on me not you.” He murmured. The elevator dinged and they jumped apart as the doors opened to reveal a woman waiting to get on.
Jongup ducked his head and smiled as they left the apartment. He glanced at Himchan from the corner of his eye, bottom lip snug between his teeth. “I like you, too.” His knuckles slid across Himchan’s, but he didn’t make a move to grab his hand, merely content to just lightly touch him right now. “Things between us don’t have to be weird. Not if you don’t want them to be.”
He raised an eyebrow in amusement. “What do you have in mind?”
Jongup shrugged. “You could kiss me and see if that helps.”
He tripped over the sidewalk and stumbled into a light pole to catch his footing. Jongup stood above him and laughed happily. “Well that’s one way to break the ice.”
“I have my moments.” Jongup teased, helping him back to his feet. His hand stayed where it was instead of moving away, fingers interlaced with Himchan’s slim delicate ones. “At least I know I can make things interesting now.”
Himchan’s arm was warm and heavy with Jongup’s overtopping it. He wasn’t used to this position since Zico was the same height as him. Jongup fit almost in the crook of his arm and if he wanted to he could lay his head down and breathe him in.
“I promised my brother I’d take things slow with you.” He wanted to always tell the truth to Jongup because he couldn’t take another relationship built on lies and misunderstandings. “And that if I did think I wanted to date you that I would let him meet you first.”
Jongup wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Your brother probably just wants to kill me and hide my body where no one could find it. I remember you told me that he was best friends with your ex.”
The word ex stung him and made his heart ache.
“He is. But he’s still my brother.”
“Okay then.” Jongup squeezed his fingers. “If that’s what you want then I’ll meet him.” He turned down an alley to take a shortcut to his dorm. “So does you mentioning it mean that you want a relationship with me?”
He wasn’t sure what he wanted with Jongup in the long run, not yet. What he really wanted was everything back to normal and Zico’s loud laughter in his ear and Zico’s hand hot and heavy on his thigh and his heart safe in Zico’s palm. But that reality was gone now and he had to put bandages on his heart and find someone else to give it to. Someone who deserved it.
“Would you be mad if I said yes, but not yet?”
Jongup stopped in front of his dorm and lifted Himchan’s hand to his face, sliding lips across the knuckles, one by one by one. “Just don’t take forever yeah? I’ve been waiting a long time to finally kiss you.”
---
Youngjae tried to convince him to change his phone number. “He’ll get drunk and lonely and call you up one day and you’ll feel so sorry for him that you’ll go running right back.”
Daehyun told him it was perfectly normal to slide right into a serious relationship with Jongup. “Youngjae told me he liked me and then we were sharing a bedroom that same night and look at how happy we are.”
But his brother and roommate were the ones leery over his relationship with Jongup, telling him to keep thinking it over until Zico was one hundred percent out of his heart.
How could he ever promise something like that though? It wasn’t like he even wanted to forget Zico. Their being together was an important part of his life and he could never say he didn’t love him. You can’t love someone with all of your heart and then toss that away like yesterday’s trash just because someone told you to.
“It’s been three weeks since you broke up with him. You’ve gone out on almost a dozen dates with Jongup. Isn’t it time to make it official?”
He lifted his head from his phone and frowned. “Have you seriously been counting our dates?”
Youngjae threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “He’s not going to wait forever!”
“Yes he is.”
Jongup had told him more than once that he would wait until Himchan was ready to move on and that he even kind of liked that it was a slow process. “That just means you’re really serious about it and will be really serious about me too when it’s time.”
That’s not to say that he was waiting with an infinite amount of patience. Last night Himchan had ended up with his back against Jongup’s door and a hickey blossoming under his ear.
“Only because you let him suck on your neck. That’s right, the whole world can see it. At least cover that shit with concealer.” Youngjae curled up a lip in disgust. “I don’t understand how you refuse to kiss him but it’s okay for him to do whatever he wants to you.”
It didn’t make a lick of sense but it made Himchan feel better. Like he was still in charge of his choices at least a little bit. Plus, like Jongup had told him the first time his lips had ever touched Himchan’s skin, it would only serve to make Himchan want more. He looked down at his phone again and wondered how long Jongup was going to be at dinner with his friends.
“Everyone keeps saying not to officially move on until I’m over Zico.” He blinked down at his hands. “And I’m not. I still miss him. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me not to wish things were different.”
Daehyun put the book in his lap down and kicked playfully at Himchan’s feet. “It’s okay to miss him you know. You loved him a lot. You’ll probably always miss him. We don’t mean that you should wait until that’s gone. Just that when you realize it’s over and that there’s nothing you can do to change it you need to give up and move on.”
He opened his mouth then closed it only to open it again. “I know things are over between us. And I know that there’s no way we can be together again because he’s never going to leave his mom and sister in need and he would rather die than ask me for help. I know all of those things.”
“Then I think that means you’re ready to move on.” Daehyun told him softly.
Jongup’s name flashed across his phone with a text telling him he was home and missed him. Himchan looked at the text then back to Daehyun with wide eyes.
“Go.”
He didn’t need to be told twice, shooting up out of his chair and towards the door, shoving his shoes on his feet and running as fast as he could towards Jongup. His chest felt as if a million pounds had been eased off of it because the guilt that had been crushing him for the last three weeks since his breakup was gone. Every second he had been with Jongup he had felt remorse that Zico was still in the back of his mind and he had felt unfaithful to Zico for wanting someone so soon after their breakup. Now he understood that it was normal to feel so conflicted and that he might always feel that way but at least he could say he had wanted Jongup so much that the thought of him being a rebound relationship had stressed him out so badly that he had pushed him away for it.
But not anymore.
His fists pounded on Jongup’s door and he used the few seconds it took the shocked boy to answer to catch his breath.
“Himchan? What’s wr-“
Jongup broke off with a muffled oomph as Himchan jumped towards him, covering his lips with his own and wrapping his arms so tightly around Jongup’s waist so that he could never get away from him.
He tasted like barbeque and beer and need as Himchan slid his tongue inside of his mouth, running it possessively over every square inch. They had weeks to make up for in this kiss and he wasn’t going to waste a single second.
The technique was different from what Himchan had gotten used to over the last year. It was obvious Jongup was inexperienced but his barely restrained moans with every lick Himchan made into his mouth were more than enough.
“Hi.” He whispered, taking a second to catch his breath and to gauge Jongup’s reaction. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”
“Worth it.” Jongup breathed back at him. His fists were clenched tightly in Himchan’s t-shirt and he was using it to hold himself upright. The hard chest pressed against Himchan’s was rapidly raising and lowering as Jongup struggled to find his words. “What changed your mind?”
When Jongup’s tongue swiped across his swollen bottom lip, Himchan grinned and shut the door, pushing him further into the dorm. “You did.”
part five