Good For You
Song (vaguely related, very very vaguely)
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG
Length: 4.8K
Himchan tugged on the collar of his shirt and wondered a little too late if maybe he should have undone a button or two. Maybe even three because it was hot as Hades in this restaurant and he could already feel the perspiration dampening his lower back. Jongup was late. Again. He really should have expected it by now because Jongup came preprogrammed with a litany of excuses but Himchan always showed up fifteen minutes early anyways. It usually gave him a chance to check his email and return some overdue texts but tonight he used it to collect himself, order their wine and prepare the plastic smile for when Jongup arrived.
"Sorry, I'm sorry, I know I'm late." As expected the younger boy slid into the seat across from him with reason after reason pouring out of his lips. "They kept me late at practice and then Junhong wanted to get ice cream and I couldn't find a cab and-"
"I already ordered our drink." He interrupted quickly so that they could change the subject. No matter how many times Jongup apologized Himchan knew it had to be because he was second best. If Jongup had told Junhong no, if he had taken the subway, there was always another if that Jongup just never seemed to care enough to look for. "I was going to get red but I wanted to change things up so it's white."
Jongup nodded as he glanced over the menu. "White's fine. Have we been here before? This place is really expensive, Himchan."
"Someone at work told me about it." And by work he really meant that he had searched on the internet for the best restaurants in town because he enjoyed treating Jongup to supper once a week. "We haven't talked in a few days."
"I know." Jongup dropped the menu to the table to smile at him. "You said you had a big presentation this week so I didn't want to call and bother you. How did it go?"
The news stuck in the back of his throat and Himchan regretted wanting to change the topic earlier. They should have just continued on with Jongup's excuses and not turned the focus to him.
"What kept you over at practice?" He hoped Jongup didn't notice the awkwardness in his tone and if he did then it wasn't like Himchan could keep eye contact long enough to find out. "Junhong still having problems?"
Jongup frowned at the abrupt way Himchan had ignored his question but nodded slowly in reply. "He says that he's too tall for the flip we're learning. Every time he tries it he gets tripped up and falls on me." He leaned forward to peer closer at the man sitting across from him. "You're sweating."
"I always sweat."
"Yeah, but this is on your neck and face. You only sweat on your neck and face when you're nervous about something."
Himchan felt the collar of his new shirt digging against his damp neck again but if he reached up to adjust it then it would only prove Jongup's suspicions. The lie sat on his tongue hard as a rock but Jongup was his best friend and he'd spent too many years keeping secrets from him. He couldn't let this night end by adding one more to the pile.
"You're wearing new clothes." Now Jongup had pushed his seat back and was looking under the table at Himchan's new jeans. The boy at the shop had said they fit him perfectly and Himchan liked the way he looked in them but right now he felt way too exposed in the tight denim. "And that's the shirt you tried on when we went shopping last month that I tried to buy you but you refused."
His words hit Himchan like accusations, like he was angry that Himchan had gone back and purchased it. He tried his hardest to look nice for Jongup but right now he made him feel like a ten-year old trying to look cool in his older brother's clothes. "I got paid yesterday so I got a few new things."
"I told you it looked amazing on you but you didn't believe me. Something's up that you're not telling me." Jongup glanced around the fancy restaurant nervously. "What's going on, Himchan?" Now he was the one tugging at his clothes awkwardly and he looked ten seconds away from bolting.
He could see the confusion giving way to terror on Jongup's face. Jongup hated big scenes and Himchan thought that maybe he should wait to do this after dinner, when they were both too full and happy to fight.
"I don't want to talk about it yet. Just eat first. You're starving when you get out of practice." He pushed the bread bowl over to the other side and used the silence to gulp down the remains of his glass of wine.
"Don't tell me anything bad, okay?" Jongup looked close to tears as he rubbed a palm over his eyes. "Even if it's something that's good for you. If it's going to make me upset then please don't tell me."
They had been friends for four years and for those four years Himchan had been the solid support beam that held Jongup up. When he flunked a math final in college and had to retake the entire class over Himchan had been the one to tutor him so that he passed. When he'd tripped down the stairs of his apartment and broke his ankle Himchan had been there to listen to him cry that he couldn’t go to dance practice. He knew Jongup hated any emotion other than complete elation. He knew that Jongup would run from any chance of confrontation. But this was something Himchan couldn't get out of telling him.
"I bought this shirt because you said I looked nice in black."
Jongup sniffed and raised his eyes. "Black looks good against your pale skin."
"I want to let you know how much your opinion means to me." The speech he had been planning for the last few days ran through his head but he couldn't remember how it all flowed together and Jongup would be annoyed if he pulled out the index cards in his jacket pocket. "And I know when we're together everyone looks at me and thinks 'Why is this ugly guy walking around with this beautiful boy?'"
"What are you talking about, no one in their right mind w-"
"And if the last thought of me that you ever have is being happy to be my friend then then I'm happy. I just want you to be proud of me. I really need to know that right now."
Fingers prodded at the fists clenched tightly together on top of the table. "Himchan, you're such an idiot. I've never thought bad of you. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You're funny, you take care of me even if I'm being a spoiled brat, you could have picked anyone in the world to be your best friend and you wanted me and if you for a second seriously think you're not the most gorgeous man in the world then you need your eyes checked."
"My presentation was so good that I got a promotion." He closed his eyes and blurted the news out.
Jongup laughed breathlessly and squeezed Himchan's hands. "Jesus Christ, is that it? I thought you were going to abandon me or som-"
"It's in England."
The whisper made Jongup quiet and he stared hard at Himchan as if waiting for him to say it was all a joke.
"No." Jongup shook his head and the palms covering Himchan's knuckles were shaking. "No, you're lying. You can't."
"Jonguppie…" Himchan closed his lips before he could say the rest of what he had wanted to tell him.
Jongup shoved his chair back and grabbed the backpack he had dropped on his way in. "I have to go."
Jumping up after him, Himchan hurriedly reached for his wallet and threw down more than enough to cover the cost of the wine. He followed Jongup out into the street and barely managed to grab ahold of his shirt sleeve before he had jumped into a waiting cab.
"Please don't leave like this," Himchan begged, trying his hardest to hold the smaller boy in his arms. Even if Jongup was shorter and slimmer he was stronger from his years of dance and Himchan felt like he was fighting a tornado. "Please Jongup, I couldn't turn it down! They offered me more money than I've ever seen and my apartment there will be rent-free and-"
"And you won't have to deal with me anymore." Jongup finally stopped struggling in the tight hold and collapsed against Himchan's chest, tears adding to the sweat still dotting down his neck. "Just say it."
Truth was, dealing with Jongup was actually sometimes hard. He was so energetic that a lot of times Himchan went home after their meet-up's so exhausted that he would fall straight into bed. And Jongup tried so hard to always stay happy that when he lost control of his emotions he would be inconsolable for hours.
But Himchan wouldn't change one single thing about him. Jongup was Jongup and it was enough to get him through his day because at the end of it there was always a phone call or a text waiting for him.
"We can still talk on the phone and text every day if you want." Himchan hesitated and now was the time the pre-planned speech was so desperately needed. "But maybe it's time for you to learn how to manage on your own and not depend on me so much."
The words made Jongup stiffen before he pulled himself away and managed to plaster on the most unconvincing smile Himchan had ever seen.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need you as much as I thought I did." His lips parted for a split second but whatever he had planned on saying was held back as he turned his back on Himchan and walked briskly away.
Himchan was finally able to let his walls drop when Jongup was too far away to see the devastation on his best friends face.
---
Jongup ran through the streets as fast as possible, apologizing over his shoulder as he bumped into strangers along the way. "Shoot, shoot, shoot." He mumbled, glancing at his watch. The dinner with Himchan was supposed to start ten minutes ago but Junhong had offered to buy him ice cream and he was so hungry that his stomach practically cried with joy at the thought of a banana split.
He saw the sign for the restaurant Himchan had picked and slowed down so he could run his fingers through his messy hair and readjust his t-shirt so that the wrinkles weren't as noticeable.
"Sorry, I'm sorry, I know I'm late." Jongup didn't so much as glance at the waiting man as he fell into his seat with a loud thump. The heartbeat thrumming through his veins was half because he had just ran a mile in barely eight minutes and half because that always happened when he was close to Himchan.
"I already ordered our drink." Himchan poured Jongup a glass of white wine and pushed the menu across the table for him to see.
He scrolled through it, letting Himchan's words calm his pulse and relax the tight shoulders that he didn't even know he had until Himchan had offered a massage one night after a late practice. Jongup remembered Himchan's deep laughter as his unskilled touch had made him whine pathetically for more.
"This place is really expensive, Himchan." The grilled chicken sandwich cost more than a daily gym pass.
Himchan was staring at him with the gaze that always made the saliva dry up on Jongup's tongue and he wondered if Himchan could see the pure happiness Jongup exuded whenever he looked at him.
"We haven't talked in a few days."
Of course Jongup had felt the separation; he had just not wanted to admit it first. Himchan had been so tied-up with work responsibilities and Jongup knew his best friend would drop everything if he needed him so the phone had purposely stayed out of sight.
I missed you so much that I blew Junhong's phone up talking about you, Jongup wanted to tell him.
Instead he made easy small-talk while waiting for the waitress to take their order.
He narrowed his eyes when he realized that Himchan was trying to look everywhere but directly at him. And how his hand kept stroking across the collar of his shirt like it was bothering him, a telltale sign that Himchan was nervous.
"You're sweating."
Himchan was hot-natured. That was something Jongup had learned about him early on and he thought it was kinda cute how glossy and damp Himchan would get the second they went outside on warm days.
He could only admit inside his head that he'd had numerous fantasies about just how sweaty Himchan's body could get in other situations. Instinctually he let his eyes wander down the creamy white neck and over the black shirt that looked like it had been sewed specially for him. Again, he looked closer and remembered where he'd seen that same shirt at before.
"You're wearing new clothes." He scooted his chair back a few inches so that he could see what else was new. The legs covered in skin-tight dark denim only a few inches away from his eyes would have normally made Jongup bite back a moan but right now he was growing too paranoid to think straight. "What's going on, Himchan?"
He didn't want to know. There was only one reason why Himchan would choose an expensive restaurant to take him to and come wearing clothes that would make even a passing straight man rethink his decisions and Jongup knew it wasn't because of him. It was never about him and he'd accepted that years ago.
Please don't tell me you've met someone, please don't have brought me here to let me down gently, please don't leave me, Jongup wiped the unwanted tears away but it was no use because of course Himchan could see straight through him.
"I bought this shirt because you said I looked nice in black." The confession came out of nowhere and brought Jongup back to reality. "I know when we're together everyone looks at me and thinks 'Why is this ugly guy walking around with this beautiful boy?"
Jongup had no idea what he was talking about. No one had ever thought that about them, he was one hundred percent positive. When Himchan walked down the street people noticed. Jongup had seen more than one woman eying him like she'd give anything for Himchan to be her next meal. It would make Jongup step closer and glare at anyone who dared take a second glance.
"I just want you to be proud of me."
The nonsense words floated in and out of ears like air. All Jongup could understand was that Himchan wasn't leaving him, he had been wrong and everything was okay again. He reached for Himchan's hands across the table and told him how much of an idiot he thought he was being and when Himchan informed him that he'd been offered a promotion Jongup couldn't stop the relieved gasp of laughter.
"Jesus Christ, is that it? I thought you were going to abandon me or som-"
"It's in England."
All of the air in his chest was sucked away until Jongup worried that he was drowning. Surely he hadn't heard the words correctly. Even when Himchan was annoyed by him they still never went more than a week apart. Jongup didn't even think he could survive without knowing Himchan was three miles away tucked safe in his apartment and always happy to welcome him inside with open arms and a wide grin.
"No," He didn’t even notice that he was trembling because the only thing running though his mind was sharp stabs of pain shooting off in every direction. "No, you're lying." Jongup didn't want to it anymore. He wanted to run home and lock his door so that he could let loose the torrent of tears building up inside him. "I have to go."
Before Himchan could stop him he ran towards the door and hoped he wasn't running into anyone on his way because he honestly didn't care enough to apologize. A cab was idling at the corner waiting for a customer so Jongup made a beeline towards it but a hand on his sleeve yanked him backwards the second his hand hit the door.
"Please don't leave like this," Himchan's arms were around him, nothing new for them because they were never embarrassed to be affectionate with each other, but Jongup now thought this was the last time and it only made him hate his best friend even more. He could hear excuses pouring out of Himchan's lips and it should have made him laugh because for the first time in their years of friendship he wasn't the one with all of the apologies. Jongup wanted to tell Himchan that he was sorry for all of the times he was late and for the number of phone calls when he was lonely. And that if he had scared him away that was never his intention.
"You won't have to deal with me anymore." Jongup decided that if this was the last time Himchan was going to touch him that he better just close his eyes and enjoy it. His body went lax and he buried his face against Himchan's soft neck, breathing him in for the final time. "Just say it."
"Maybe it's time for you to learn how to manage on your own and not depend on me so much."
Maybe it's time for you to man up and stop being such a child, Jongup heard. He knew he was needy and he knew it got tiring at times but Himchan had always cared for him so much more than anyone else had and he never acted like it bothered him that Jongup depended on him for so many things.
That was when he knew he had finally lost all hope and he didn't have any more fight in him to give.
He peeled himself away from Himchan's warm arms and tried to smile but it felt like more like a grimace. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need you as much as I thought I did." The last look he let himself take of the person he cared about most in the world was blurry and even through the haze Jongup could see the pity in Himchan's eyes.
It was time to go home and leave Himchan and his entire life behind.
---
"You've been like a walking corpse for the last week. Are you worried about the transfer?"
Himchan glanced over the breakroom table at his co-worker and shook his head. "Just personal things. I didn't realize it was noticeable."
Yongguk took a sip of his coffee and eyed him knowingly. "How's your little friend taking the news? I take it that's the 'personal' thing?"
He stopped tapping on the table with his knuckles to give Yongguk a confused look. "My little friend? Do you mean Jongup?"
"I don't remember his name. The tiny one that you brought to the last Christmas party. You seemed pretty close so I can assume it's hard to leave him behind."
He hadn't said Jongup's name out loud in six days even though he was all Himchan thought about. Was he still as angry? Should he call and check in?
"He was upset," Himchan admitted slowly. "And he's refusing to speak to me. I don’t know if he wants me to stay because we're best friends or if he's just so co-dependent that he thinks he needs to lean on me to survive."
Yongguk choked on his drink with a snort of laughter. "Himchan, that boy's head over heels in love with you. He followed you around like a puppy with stars in his eyes all night. We made bets over whether you two made out in the coat room. Daehyun hid in the corner for forty-five minutes with a camera trying to catch you."
Himchan would have been outraged over Yongguk's jokes if he wasn't so shocked by what he had said. "What? In love with- But he's… But Jongup's straight."
"Straight as a question mark," Yongguk retorted, finishing off his drink and patting Himchan on the back as he left the breakroom.
All the years they'd been friends rolled through his brain with Himchan trying to recall any indication that Jongup hadn't been telling him the whole truth. He'd been on dates, Himchan had remembered numerous incidents where Jongup had been busy with other girls, but was he being dishonest? Had he actually met one of Jongup's girlfriends?
He would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about a romantic relationship with Jongup. They were best friends who talked almost daily and when they were together it almost always ended with them curled together on a couch watching movies until the early hours of the morning. Dating had never seemed like it would have been such a huge leap for Himchan. He was open and willing and had even turned down his own possible dates on the off chance Jongup would need him for something.
Who was he kidding, this was the huge push he'd been waiting four years for.
"Tell the boss I'm sick!" He hollered to Yongguk as he ran past him in the hallway.
"You got two days before you leave. You better hurry it up!" Yongguk yelled back as Himchan raced out the office door and turned straight towards the office Jongup worked in.
It was three in the afternoon which meant he was done with meetings for the day and would probably be running out for the afternoon coffee order. Sometimes he would text Himchan while he was out walking so he already knew the exact route Jongup would take.
He turned the corner and saw Jongup's back as he carefully walked a block ahead with the two carriers of coffee held gingerly in his hands. His blue polo was the one Himchan had bought him for his birthday last year and he thought it looked even better on him now than it did fourteen months ago.
"Jongup!"
The surprised boy jumped and barely managed to hold onto his drinks as he turned around to watch as Himchan ran towards him wildly waving his arms.
"What are you doing here?" Jongup looked around awkwardly. "I thought you were leaving?"
"Not… For…" Himchan wasn't used to so much physical exercise and had to lean over and rest his arms on his knees. "Not for two more days." He wiped a hand across his brow to stop the sweat from dripping into his eyes. "Wanted to see you."
Jongup still appeared timid towards him but he at least reached down to help Himchan back to his feet. "You could have waited until work ended."
"No." Himchan shook his head. He should have had his words thought out better because now that Jongup was in front of him he didn't know what to say. They were surrounded by people and he wasn't sure if Jongup even still felt the same after what had happened but he couldn't leave without trying. "You never let me finish telling you everything. You didn't let me say that the transfer is only for ten months to help kick start a new project. You didn't give me time to say that I turned it down at first because I didn't want to leave you for that long but then they almost doubled my salary. I never got to say the only reason I finally accepted was because it meant a down payment on an apartment closer to yours." He took a ragged breath and reached slowly towards Jongup. Their fingers brushed and when Jongup didn't pull away Himchan took it as a good sign. "You never let me tell you that I may be taking my suitcase with me but I'll be leaving my heart here with you."
Jongup had sucked his bottom lip between his teeth while Himchan had spilled his guts out, finally letting go only to roll his eyes and frown. "Did you stay up late watching dumb romantic Lifetime movies again?"
"They make me cry and it helps me sleep." Himchan defended himself. "And the next time I throw my heart at your feet I'll do it using quotes from Dora the Expl-"
He was cut off by Jongup dragging him into the alley by his collar, dropping the seven expensive coffees on the ground and shoving Himchan into the wall behind them.
"You pretty much told me I needed to get a life." Instead of the adoration Himchan had expected, Jongup had fire in his eyes and his jaw was set in a firm line. "You said to grow up and not depend on you so much."
"Because I do want you to stand on your own. You're smart and you're talented and I want you to be confident and that means not depending on me for every little thing. But that doesn't mean I don't want you to need me."
Himchan never knew what was going on behind Jongup's eyes. They hid so much emotion and no matter how bright and cheery his smile was, Himchan had always wondered what was hidden that Jongup didn't want anyone to see. Right now they were dark and angry and glaring holes into Himchan.
"Someone from work said that you're in love with me." He threw it out there because he was tired of secrets. If he had to leave Korea with a broken heart then at least he could say he had tried. "And that you'd been in love with me for a long time. But you've had girlfriends. I've heard you talk about them."
"Double-dates with Junhong," Jongup waved their mention off. "Just something to do on a Friday night so I didn't feel like I was bothering you so much." He took a step closer, their chests one deep breath away from touching. "Don't do this if you're not positive about it, Himchan. I'm pathetic and I act like an idiot sometimes but I'm not strong enough to deal with you tearing me apart."
Himchan looked deeper into his eyes and imagined all the things he thought he could see. Fear. Sadness. Exhaustion. And finally, a tiny spark of hope.
"When you're not with me I wear sweatpants and t-shirts I've had since college." Items he kept hidden in the back of his closet far from Jongup's view. "That week you went home to visit your parents in 2013 I didn't change out of my pajamas for three days." He felt a tinge of embarrassment at admitting this but he needed Jongup to see just how serious he really was. "I told you before you ran out that I wanted you to be proud of me." He smiled sadly. "I should have said, I wanted you to be proud to be with me."
Jongup rolled his jaw back and forth in silence for so long that Himchan thought maybe this was a terrible mistake and Jongup was going to burst into laughter at any moment.
"I don't mind sweatpants. They're comfortable and I'm fine with sitting around all day in them." He finally answered. "I only steer you towards nice clothes when we shop because I like buying you things." His eyelashes lowered as his gaze ran across the length of Himchan's body. "But you're never wearing those new jeans out in public again." This time when he moved forward they were pressed so hard together that Himchan could feel the tight lines of his body hard and strong against every soft curve of his own. "When you go to England you're taking them with you and wearing them when we Skype."
"Am I?"
More sarcastic replies tried to tumble out but Jongup had decided now was the perfect time to kiss him and the second his coffee-flavored tongue touched his own Himchan had forgotten what they had even been arguing over.
---
When Jongup opened his front door ten months later to a "Surprise!" and a grinning Himchan, the only thing he could focus on was Himchan's legs. They were clad in the same pair of jeans he had asked Himchan not to wear outside because Jongup hadn't wanted want anyone else looking at him. They clung to his skin so tight that they looked painted onto his flesh and Jongup loved them.
"I told you my plane landed tomorrow but I lied." Himchan pushed Jongup backwards so that he could shut the door and take off his shoes.
"What exactly are you doing…"
Himchan peered at Jongup over his shoulder, blinking innocently. "Unlacing my shoes?"
"With your butt in the air?"
"No." Himchan winked before he turned back to his feet. "That's just for you."