When We Were Kings (Part Five: Tired Eyes, Maybe You've Seen too Much)
Part Four
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.5K
Tired eyes maybe you’ve seen too much
Tired heart every end has a start
If you find yourself in trouble
Falling off to the track
Would you come back?
- (X)
Sometimes Himchan wondered why he even bothered trying. Sometimes he would lie in bed at night and shake himself to sleep, jaw clenched so tight that he could barely speak the next day. Sometimes he screamed at the doctor assigned to him, spitting out words that he never used and regretted later.
But other times he would have a brief moment of clarity. The weight on his body and his mind would lift for just a few minutes and he was able to remember who Kim Himchan used to be. The smart, happy, loving man that had more friends than he could count and was surrounded by people who cared about him. Those were the moments that pushed him through the sixty days in rehab. The anticipation to be that man again, the one who was worthwhile and so confident that he would do great things.
Those moments were rare in the beginning of his stay. He was too angry, too panicked to appreciate them. It was only in the last few weeks that he was able to enjoy those clear-headed minutes, but he knew that as soon as he stepped foot back into the real world it could all come crashing back down. All of his hard work would depend on how strong he was and Himchan wasn't sure yet if he was.
"You still doing okay? Feeling good? Going to all the meetings?"
He slumped against the wall and took a ragged breath. Junhong was only allowed to call twice a week and it was hard doing this without a nightly support call. He wasn't allowed any visitors or contact with the outside world for the first ten days of the program. His only lifeline to humanity had been the nurses and doctors that periodically checked in on him in the bright, padded room they had locked him in to sweat out the withdrawals.
Himchan didn't like to think about those first ten days.
"Yeah," He croaked, his voice betraying the stress he was having a hard time crawling out of today. "Tired."
Junhong hummed into his ear and Himchan could hear him pull the phone away and murmur to whomever he was with.
"You're doing great, Himchan. Really great. We're all proud of you. Just a little bit more and you can come home."
Home was a word that was slowly starting to have more meaning to him the longer he was inside. Home meant his mother and his father and his old bedroom that they swore looked exactly the same as it did when he left it years ago.
"I don't want to go to this wedding. I don't know if I can do it." His last two daily therapy sessions had consisted solely of discussions about Youngjae's upcoming nuptials. He'd begged the doctor to let him stay in the facility for an extra few weeks so he would have an excuse to skip it, but nothing had worked yet. "Seeing everyone will be too hard. What if I need something to get through it? I can't go through this again. I ca-"
"You'll be fine, Channie. I swear it. I'll be right beside you the entire time. You won't even be able to use the bathroom without me looking over your shoulder."
"Nothing you haven't already seen."
Junhong was silent on the other end for a moment. "Did you… Was that a joke?"
"I was trying to lighten the mood," Himchan closed his eyes as he slid to the floor. "You can't be by my side forever you know."
More murmuring and Himchan was struck frozen by the sound of Yongguk's quiet timbre in the background. It was a voice he hadn't heart in years and one that still had the ability to terrify him. The last person to speak to him in the dorm the day he left was Yongguk and it was a speech full of hatred and promises to ruin him.
"Junhong?"
"I'm here," The kid was barely in his twenties, Himchan realized. What had felt like a lifetime to him was just a few short years to everyone else. Junhong was too young to sound so old. "Himchan, I'm going to ask you something and it's okay to say no. This is all on you, okay? If you're not ready then we'll forget I even asked." Sweat dotted along Himchan's hairline and down the center of his back. "You can have visitors every Saturday, right? Would you be okay if I came up? And if I brought Yongguk?"
He had new coping techniques that his doctor had taught him. Instead of counting he was supposed to take slow, deep breaths until he could feel his heart rate return to a normal rhythm and his body stopped shivering. It was supposed to work better than continuously counting over and over and ignoring his natural body reactions, at least that was what he'd been told. All he knew was that it worked. A few moments of meditation and deep breaths and he could open his eyes and speak again.
"What if I say no?"
"Then that's just one more person you have to face at the wedding. Do you really want to see everyone for the first time again all at once? Get Yongguk out of the way. You need one more person that you can trust to have your back when the big day arrives."
After the things Yongguk had said to him as he packed his bag that day Himchan didn't think there was any way he could trust him again.
"I've told him everything. Even about- He knows about you and Jongup. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't my secret to tell but I thought he needed to know what all happened and why. Himchan," Junhong sniffed and took a shaky breath in his ear. "Himchan, what happened between us that night wasn't your fault and they all know that. I keep telling you this but you have to start believing me. I was sick and I could tell you were sick with something, too. You were easy to take advantage of and that's why I always came to you when I felt like I was going crazy. I know you can't possibly believe it but Yongguk isn't angry with you. He's sad and he misses you."
They had been so close during the group's heydays and losing their friendship was second to losing Jongup in Himchan's heart. Late nights spent talking in their room about dreams and goals and sometimes nothing important at all. He had missed the way he could tease Yongguk in interviews and make a blush crawl up his cheeks but still know Yongguk could never be cross at him for it.
"Okay," He finally said, hoping this wasn't a mistake. If Yongguk looked even the slightest bit disgusted or disappointed in him, Himchan knew he would be right back to the state of mind he was thirty-eight days ago when he showed up at the rehab's front desk.
---
"Himchan!" The relief on Junhong's face as he tripped over the table and ran towards him made Himchan almost feel like the old him, when he knew his friends would do anything for him and cared about him. He knew Junhong was pretty much the only real friend he had left and if getting better made the arms wrapped around him hug a little tighter then it was just another notch in the pro category for rehab. "You look so good, Himchannie. I haven't seen you look like this in…"
Years, both of their eyes reflected. Since the band had just been formed and they were all innocent and fresh-faced.
"I feel good," Himchan told him with a smile. "It's not consistent yet but most days I feel pretty clear-headed."
He had purposely not looked in the direction of the table Junhong had left behind. Yongguk's energy was heavy in the small room and he wanted to soak up all of Junhong's adoration before facing his former best friend.
"Daehyun's mad at us for not bringing him," Junhong told him, rolling his eyes. "I said the last thing you need right now is his shrill voice in your ear. I swear that man gets louder every time I see him."
He had missed Daehyun too, of course. But it wasn't as strong as the ache for Yongguk so he was glad they hadn't given in and brought him along. One thing at a time, the doctors here kept drilling into him. One hurdle a day. And right now that hurdle was pushing his chair back with a quiet scratch and clearing his throat behind Junhong.
"Himchan."
The soft whisper of his name made Himchan hold tighter for Junhong until the younger boy squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"It's okay," Junhong whispered, leaning forward to knock his head playfully against Himchan's. "He comes in peace, I promise."
When Himchan was finally strong enough to nod his consent Junhong moved to the side so that the two former roommates and friends could see each other for the first time in years.
Yongguk looked older, that was the first thing Himchan noticed. His eyes had tiny wrinkles around them that had started growing when they were still a band but were now deep enough to make you think Yongguk was ten years older than he really was. Even his smile looked less sure of himself, less teeth, less Yongguk.
I did this, Himchan told himself furiously. I broke apart all of his dreams and he had to start over because of me. Everything's my fault, everything has always been m-
His inner rant broke off with a sharp spike of fear as Yongguk jumped towards him without notice. What he thought was going to be the second time his best friend punched him was instead the hardest hug he had ever received in his life. Yongguk's hair was in his mouth and he couldn't breathe through the rough grip around his back but it was worth it. When Yongguk sobbed a muffled apology against his hair Himchan was able to assure himself that he wasn't the one to blame for the exhausted look etched on his skin. Yongguk had always pushed himself to the brink of total overload and of course nothing had changed since then. He'd just transferred his obsessive nature to something else in the meantime.
"I've missed you so much," Himchan murmured, stroking his fingertips across Yongguk's shaking back. "Don't cry, Guk."
"I hate seeing you in here. It's like you're in a-" Yongguk froze as he realized what he was about to say.
Himchan laughed softly and pulled him away so he could look at him closer for the first time. "Like I'm in prison? I almost was."
Yongguk closed his eyes as Himchan's thumb smoothed the tear tracks on his cheeks. "I was the one that called the police," He admitted. "I saw Junhong on you and I just…" He took a ragged breath. "You know what happened."
"It was just that one time," Himchan leaned forward to breathe him in, grateful that Yongguk was still a man of habit and had the same old cologne on that he'd been wearing since they were barely out of their teen years and training together. It smelled like comfort and safety. "I'd never touched him before that."
"I know. He told us." Yongguk's brows furrowed and he stared hard enough at him that Himchan had to blink and look away. "None of us ever suspected that you and Jongup-"
"So how long are you two staying?" He didn't want to talk about Jongup. "I can only have visitors for two hours. Are you spending the night or driving back up as soon as you leave?" How was Jongup, he wanted to scream at them. Was he okay? Did he ever mention him? "There's a really nice botanical garden a few miles from here. I've never been there of course but one of the other patients here says it's beautiful." Was he married? Was he in love? His heart would always belong to Jongup but he had no right to imagine that Jongup's had ever belonged to him. "Or there's a pancake place down the street that looks good. I can see the lights from out my window. My mom's already promised that it's the first stop we'll make when I get to leave. I've been dying for pancakes for weeks."
Junhong put a hand on his shoulder and quietly shushed his rambling. "We're going to head back up to the city when we leave. Yongguk promised his wife he'd be home by ten."
"Wife?" Himchan shook his head and laughed. "You have a wife?"
"And a son," Yongguk grinned proudly as he pulled his wallet out to show Himchan the wallet-sized photo of a tiny little boy dressed in dinosaur pajamas and chewing on a teddy bear's ear. "He's eight months and three days old. You'll meet him at the wedding but my wife will take him home afterwards so I can go to the reception for a little while."
Out of all the members in the band Yongguk was for sure the one who would get married and have kids the quickest. He had always talked about it being his biggest dream and now Himchan knew where he had gotten those tired lines around his eyes. Yongguk wore them as a badge of honor and Himchan was so happy for him that he forgot for a few moments how his own life had fallen apart.
"That's great, Guk," He hugged him again, this time he was the one squeezing the breath out of him. "I'm so proud of you. You deserve it all."
Yongguk smiled at the picture one more time before tucking it back into his pocket and pulling Himchan towards the forgotten table behind them. "Junhong can fill you in on what everyone else is doing when you're ready to find out. Right now I want to know what all's been going on with you for the last few years. Don't leave anything out. From the moment you moved away to what made you check into rehab. Catch me up on everything."
---
The closer Himchan came to his discharge date the more confused he became on how he was supposed to feel. Excitement that he was finally going home to be with his family again? Hope that he could continue to do well and make everyone proud of him again? Or despair that he was going to screw everything up just like before, that he wouldn't be strong enough to handle the real world and would eventually start drinking and using again?
"One more week and you're free to leave," There were so many doctor's he had to visit with on a daily basis that he didn't even remember which was for which problem at this point. One for his pill addiction, one for his alcoholism, one for therapy, one for physicals to make sure his body was recovering properly, there was even one assigned to help him make future decisions. Where will you live, Himchan? If you happen across an old dealer what would you say? Have you thought about jobs yet? He could even hear their questions in his sleep.
"I only have a few weeks until I go to Youngjae's wedding and see everyone again."
This doctor was the opinionated one. The rest let him talk and try to problem-solve on his own, but this doctor always interjected his opinion and what he thought Himchan should do. It was actually kind of nice having someone tell him things instead of asking them.
"And you think you aren't ready," The statement was true because it was something Himchan said on a daily basis in all of his meetings. "I disagree, but I'm willing to be persuaded. Tell me why you think you shouldn't leave rehab."
He had been given stress balls, ropes to knot and unknot, worry beads, anything they could think of to keep his hands busy and his mind off the quiet. The worry beads slid through his fingers and across his knuckles, a painful but welcome thump that always managed to keep him on track.
"I don't want to drink anymore. The alcohol made me throw up and I hated it. I know I won't have a problem staying away from it as long as it's not pushed on me," He'd been to so many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over the last two months that he could recite the oaths by heart. "But the pills are harder to stay away from. They're easy for me to get and no one knows I'm even on them unless I take too many." The middle-class drug was what they called prescription pills in the meetings. An addiction that you could fall into but still function enough to go to work and have an unaware family on the side.
"Do you want to use them? Or do you just want something that you can control? Sometimes it's not just about the feeling the high gives you, but the control you have over your own body and your own actions that becomes addicting. Your entire world can fall apart around you but you will still be standing in the middle making your own decisions," He leaned back and clicked his pen, scrawling notes as he talked.
Himchan liked that the pills were his and his alone. No one had been there when he got off work every night and tiredly entered his tiny apartment. No one cooked for him, no one to fall asleep next to, nothing at all that he could call his own but the bottles of pills lining his medicine cabinet.
"I don’t want to be alone with them anymore. My parents will make sure I stay busy and keep my mind on other things." But the nights were what terrified him. "What will happen when I see them again though?" When I see Jongup, he mentally corrected himself. "What if it puts my head right back in the dorm room?"
"You have a sponsor from your AA meetings. He's available for you to call any time, day or night."
It wasn't the same as having a support system right next to him all the time like the pills were.
"I don't want to fail," He never forgot the way Jongup had looked at him, the last look he had ever gotten from him. The complete despair and betrayal as Junhong touched him in ways they'd never gotten a chance to explore themselves. "I don’t want to be a disappointment to everyone anymore. Do any of them even believe I can do this or is it just worthless?"
His doctor leaned forward and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Then go out there and prove everyone wrong."
---
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I h-"
"I love you. I love you, Jongup."
Jongup's body was frozen, his hair was tickling the sensitive skin of Himchan's stomach and he brushed it gently away so he could look into the wide eyes staring up at him.
"Don't let the pills make you lie to me," Jongup whispered. "I can put up with a lot but I can't deal with you lying about this to get your way."
He dragged Jongup up by the shoulders and flipped them over in the small bed so that he was the one pressing his lips into the warm skin of Jongup's neck, his turn to drag his tongue across the fluttering pulse.
Jongup's back arched off the bed when Himchan's palm settled heavy and demanding on the front of his shorts. "Please don't, please, not if you don't mean-"
"I can't take anymore talking tonight, Jongup," He bit harshly at the sharp collarbone he encountered on his way across Jongup's chest. "If you're not going to tell me more or harder then you have to shut up."
The chapped lips he had been dreaming of tugging on ever since the first time he'd seen them were thin and white as Jongup bit back more hesitations and let Himchan slowly drag his shorts down his legs.
When he was sober and shivering in the prison cell a week later he would remember this moment clearer than the rest of their night together. He would remember the way Jongup's eyes had dimmed and resignation had settled over his expression and he would wonder if his harshness had made Jongup think his worries had been true. That he hadn't wanted him for him, that all he'd wanted was to quiet him for the night.
He hadn't meant to, but maybe a deeper part of him had taken advantage of Jongup's devotion to him.
Jongup was too good for him.
When he'd awoken the next morning and Jongup's side of the bed was long cold and empty he hadn't been surprised.
The pillow next to him still smelled of Jongup's shampoo and if he closed his eyes and tried hard enough he could pretend he wasn't so utterly alone.
"You look terrible," Youngjae tilted his head to the side and frowned. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Not really," He tried to catch Jongup's eye at the table but it was to no avail. If he had known that Jongup's hushed whisper of his name as his legs wrapped around him was the last time they'd speak he would have said more. He would have told him he loved him again.
Jongup was too good for him. Had been too good for a very, very long time.
Part Six
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.5K
Tired eyes maybe you’ve seen too much
Tired heart every end has a start
If you find yourself in trouble
Falling off to the track
Would you come back?
- (X)
Sometimes Himchan wondered why he even bothered trying. Sometimes he would lie in bed at night and shake himself to sleep, jaw clenched so tight that he could barely speak the next day. Sometimes he screamed at the doctor assigned to him, spitting out words that he never used and regretted later.
But other times he would have a brief moment of clarity. The weight on his body and his mind would lift for just a few minutes and he was able to remember who Kim Himchan used to be. The smart, happy, loving man that had more friends than he could count and was surrounded by people who cared about him. Those were the moments that pushed him through the sixty days in rehab. The anticipation to be that man again, the one who was worthwhile and so confident that he would do great things.
Those moments were rare in the beginning of his stay. He was too angry, too panicked to appreciate them. It was only in the last few weeks that he was able to enjoy those clear-headed minutes, but he knew that as soon as he stepped foot back into the real world it could all come crashing back down. All of his hard work would depend on how strong he was and Himchan wasn't sure yet if he was.
"You still doing okay? Feeling good? Going to all the meetings?"
He slumped against the wall and took a ragged breath. Junhong was only allowed to call twice a week and it was hard doing this without a nightly support call. He wasn't allowed any visitors or contact with the outside world for the first ten days of the program. His only lifeline to humanity had been the nurses and doctors that periodically checked in on him in the bright, padded room they had locked him in to sweat out the withdrawals.
Himchan didn't like to think about those first ten days.
"Yeah," He croaked, his voice betraying the stress he was having a hard time crawling out of today. "Tired."
Junhong hummed into his ear and Himchan could hear him pull the phone away and murmur to whomever he was with.
"You're doing great, Himchan. Really great. We're all proud of you. Just a little bit more and you can come home."
Home was a word that was slowly starting to have more meaning to him the longer he was inside. Home meant his mother and his father and his old bedroom that they swore looked exactly the same as it did when he left it years ago.
"I don't want to go to this wedding. I don't know if I can do it." His last two daily therapy sessions had consisted solely of discussions about Youngjae's upcoming nuptials. He'd begged the doctor to let him stay in the facility for an extra few weeks so he would have an excuse to skip it, but nothing had worked yet. "Seeing everyone will be too hard. What if I need something to get through it? I can't go through this again. I ca-"
"You'll be fine, Channie. I swear it. I'll be right beside you the entire time. You won't even be able to use the bathroom without me looking over your shoulder."
"Nothing you haven't already seen."
Junhong was silent on the other end for a moment. "Did you… Was that a joke?"
"I was trying to lighten the mood," Himchan closed his eyes as he slid to the floor. "You can't be by my side forever you know."
More murmuring and Himchan was struck frozen by the sound of Yongguk's quiet timbre in the background. It was a voice he hadn't heart in years and one that still had the ability to terrify him. The last person to speak to him in the dorm the day he left was Yongguk and it was a speech full of hatred and promises to ruin him.
"Junhong?"
"I'm here," The kid was barely in his twenties, Himchan realized. What had felt like a lifetime to him was just a few short years to everyone else. Junhong was too young to sound so old. "Himchan, I'm going to ask you something and it's okay to say no. This is all on you, okay? If you're not ready then we'll forget I even asked." Sweat dotted along Himchan's hairline and down the center of his back. "You can have visitors every Saturday, right? Would you be okay if I came up? And if I brought Yongguk?"
He had new coping techniques that his doctor had taught him. Instead of counting he was supposed to take slow, deep breaths until he could feel his heart rate return to a normal rhythm and his body stopped shivering. It was supposed to work better than continuously counting over and over and ignoring his natural body reactions, at least that was what he'd been told. All he knew was that it worked. A few moments of meditation and deep breaths and he could open his eyes and speak again.
"What if I say no?"
"Then that's just one more person you have to face at the wedding. Do you really want to see everyone for the first time again all at once? Get Yongguk out of the way. You need one more person that you can trust to have your back when the big day arrives."
After the things Yongguk had said to him as he packed his bag that day Himchan didn't think there was any way he could trust him again.
"I've told him everything. Even about- He knows about you and Jongup. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't my secret to tell but I thought he needed to know what all happened and why. Himchan," Junhong sniffed and took a shaky breath in his ear. "Himchan, what happened between us that night wasn't your fault and they all know that. I keep telling you this but you have to start believing me. I was sick and I could tell you were sick with something, too. You were easy to take advantage of and that's why I always came to you when I felt like I was going crazy. I know you can't possibly believe it but Yongguk isn't angry with you. He's sad and he misses you."
They had been so close during the group's heydays and losing their friendship was second to losing Jongup in Himchan's heart. Late nights spent talking in their room about dreams and goals and sometimes nothing important at all. He had missed the way he could tease Yongguk in interviews and make a blush crawl up his cheeks but still know Yongguk could never be cross at him for it.
"Okay," He finally said, hoping this wasn't a mistake. If Yongguk looked even the slightest bit disgusted or disappointed in him, Himchan knew he would be right back to the state of mind he was thirty-eight days ago when he showed up at the rehab's front desk.
---
"Himchan!" The relief on Junhong's face as he tripped over the table and ran towards him made Himchan almost feel like the old him, when he knew his friends would do anything for him and cared about him. He knew Junhong was pretty much the only real friend he had left and if getting better made the arms wrapped around him hug a little tighter then it was just another notch in the pro category for rehab. "You look so good, Himchannie. I haven't seen you look like this in…"
Years, both of their eyes reflected. Since the band had just been formed and they were all innocent and fresh-faced.
"I feel good," Himchan told him with a smile. "It's not consistent yet but most days I feel pretty clear-headed."
He had purposely not looked in the direction of the table Junhong had left behind. Yongguk's energy was heavy in the small room and he wanted to soak up all of Junhong's adoration before facing his former best friend.
"Daehyun's mad at us for not bringing him," Junhong told him, rolling his eyes. "I said the last thing you need right now is his shrill voice in your ear. I swear that man gets louder every time I see him."
He had missed Daehyun too, of course. But it wasn't as strong as the ache for Yongguk so he was glad they hadn't given in and brought him along. One thing at a time, the doctors here kept drilling into him. One hurdle a day. And right now that hurdle was pushing his chair back with a quiet scratch and clearing his throat behind Junhong.
"Himchan."
The soft whisper of his name made Himchan hold tighter for Junhong until the younger boy squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"It's okay," Junhong whispered, leaning forward to knock his head playfully against Himchan's. "He comes in peace, I promise."
When Himchan was finally strong enough to nod his consent Junhong moved to the side so that the two former roommates and friends could see each other for the first time in years.
Yongguk looked older, that was the first thing Himchan noticed. His eyes had tiny wrinkles around them that had started growing when they were still a band but were now deep enough to make you think Yongguk was ten years older than he really was. Even his smile looked less sure of himself, less teeth, less Yongguk.
I did this, Himchan told himself furiously. I broke apart all of his dreams and he had to start over because of me. Everything's my fault, everything has always been m-
His inner rant broke off with a sharp spike of fear as Yongguk jumped towards him without notice. What he thought was going to be the second time his best friend punched him was instead the hardest hug he had ever received in his life. Yongguk's hair was in his mouth and he couldn't breathe through the rough grip around his back but it was worth it. When Yongguk sobbed a muffled apology against his hair Himchan was able to assure himself that he wasn't the one to blame for the exhausted look etched on his skin. Yongguk had always pushed himself to the brink of total overload and of course nothing had changed since then. He'd just transferred his obsessive nature to something else in the meantime.
"I've missed you so much," Himchan murmured, stroking his fingertips across Yongguk's shaking back. "Don't cry, Guk."
"I hate seeing you in here. It's like you're in a-" Yongguk froze as he realized what he was about to say.
Himchan laughed softly and pulled him away so he could look at him closer for the first time. "Like I'm in prison? I almost was."
Yongguk closed his eyes as Himchan's thumb smoothed the tear tracks on his cheeks. "I was the one that called the police," He admitted. "I saw Junhong on you and I just…" He took a ragged breath. "You know what happened."
"It was just that one time," Himchan leaned forward to breathe him in, grateful that Yongguk was still a man of habit and had the same old cologne on that he'd been wearing since they were barely out of their teen years and training together. It smelled like comfort and safety. "I'd never touched him before that."
"I know. He told us." Yongguk's brows furrowed and he stared hard enough at him that Himchan had to blink and look away. "None of us ever suspected that you and Jongup-"
"So how long are you two staying?" He didn't want to talk about Jongup. "I can only have visitors for two hours. Are you spending the night or driving back up as soon as you leave?" How was Jongup, he wanted to scream at them. Was he okay? Did he ever mention him? "There's a really nice botanical garden a few miles from here. I've never been there of course but one of the other patients here says it's beautiful." Was he married? Was he in love? His heart would always belong to Jongup but he had no right to imagine that Jongup's had ever belonged to him. "Or there's a pancake place down the street that looks good. I can see the lights from out my window. My mom's already promised that it's the first stop we'll make when I get to leave. I've been dying for pancakes for weeks."
Junhong put a hand on his shoulder and quietly shushed his rambling. "We're going to head back up to the city when we leave. Yongguk promised his wife he'd be home by ten."
"Wife?" Himchan shook his head and laughed. "You have a wife?"
"And a son," Yongguk grinned proudly as he pulled his wallet out to show Himchan the wallet-sized photo of a tiny little boy dressed in dinosaur pajamas and chewing on a teddy bear's ear. "He's eight months and three days old. You'll meet him at the wedding but my wife will take him home afterwards so I can go to the reception for a little while."
Out of all the members in the band Yongguk was for sure the one who would get married and have kids the quickest. He had always talked about it being his biggest dream and now Himchan knew where he had gotten those tired lines around his eyes. Yongguk wore them as a badge of honor and Himchan was so happy for him that he forgot for a few moments how his own life had fallen apart.
"That's great, Guk," He hugged him again, this time he was the one squeezing the breath out of him. "I'm so proud of you. You deserve it all."
Yongguk smiled at the picture one more time before tucking it back into his pocket and pulling Himchan towards the forgotten table behind them. "Junhong can fill you in on what everyone else is doing when you're ready to find out. Right now I want to know what all's been going on with you for the last few years. Don't leave anything out. From the moment you moved away to what made you check into rehab. Catch me up on everything."
---
The closer Himchan came to his discharge date the more confused he became on how he was supposed to feel. Excitement that he was finally going home to be with his family again? Hope that he could continue to do well and make everyone proud of him again? Or despair that he was going to screw everything up just like before, that he wouldn't be strong enough to handle the real world and would eventually start drinking and using again?
"One more week and you're free to leave," There were so many doctor's he had to visit with on a daily basis that he didn't even remember which was for which problem at this point. One for his pill addiction, one for his alcoholism, one for therapy, one for physicals to make sure his body was recovering properly, there was even one assigned to help him make future decisions. Where will you live, Himchan? If you happen across an old dealer what would you say? Have you thought about jobs yet? He could even hear their questions in his sleep.
"I only have a few weeks until I go to Youngjae's wedding and see everyone again."
This doctor was the opinionated one. The rest let him talk and try to problem-solve on his own, but this doctor always interjected his opinion and what he thought Himchan should do. It was actually kind of nice having someone tell him things instead of asking them.
"And you think you aren't ready," The statement was true because it was something Himchan said on a daily basis in all of his meetings. "I disagree, but I'm willing to be persuaded. Tell me why you think you shouldn't leave rehab."
He had been given stress balls, ropes to knot and unknot, worry beads, anything they could think of to keep his hands busy and his mind off the quiet. The worry beads slid through his fingers and across his knuckles, a painful but welcome thump that always managed to keep him on track.
"I don't want to drink anymore. The alcohol made me throw up and I hated it. I know I won't have a problem staying away from it as long as it's not pushed on me," He'd been to so many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over the last two months that he could recite the oaths by heart. "But the pills are harder to stay away from. They're easy for me to get and no one knows I'm even on them unless I take too many." The middle-class drug was what they called prescription pills in the meetings. An addiction that you could fall into but still function enough to go to work and have an unaware family on the side.
"Do you want to use them? Or do you just want something that you can control? Sometimes it's not just about the feeling the high gives you, but the control you have over your own body and your own actions that becomes addicting. Your entire world can fall apart around you but you will still be standing in the middle making your own decisions," He leaned back and clicked his pen, scrawling notes as he talked.
Himchan liked that the pills were his and his alone. No one had been there when he got off work every night and tiredly entered his tiny apartment. No one cooked for him, no one to fall asleep next to, nothing at all that he could call his own but the bottles of pills lining his medicine cabinet.
"I don’t want to be alone with them anymore. My parents will make sure I stay busy and keep my mind on other things." But the nights were what terrified him. "What will happen when I see them again though?" When I see Jongup, he mentally corrected himself. "What if it puts my head right back in the dorm room?"
"You have a sponsor from your AA meetings. He's available for you to call any time, day or night."
It wasn't the same as having a support system right next to him all the time like the pills were.
"I don't want to fail," He never forgot the way Jongup had looked at him, the last look he had ever gotten from him. The complete despair and betrayal as Junhong touched him in ways they'd never gotten a chance to explore themselves. "I don’t want to be a disappointment to everyone anymore. Do any of them even believe I can do this or is it just worthless?"
His doctor leaned forward and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Then go out there and prove everyone wrong."
---
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I h-"
"I love you. I love you, Jongup."
Jongup's body was frozen, his hair was tickling the sensitive skin of Himchan's stomach and he brushed it gently away so he could look into the wide eyes staring up at him.
"Don't let the pills make you lie to me," Jongup whispered. "I can put up with a lot but I can't deal with you lying about this to get your way."
He dragged Jongup up by the shoulders and flipped them over in the small bed so that he was the one pressing his lips into the warm skin of Jongup's neck, his turn to drag his tongue across the fluttering pulse.
Jongup's back arched off the bed when Himchan's palm settled heavy and demanding on the front of his shorts. "Please don't, please, not if you don't mean-"
"I can't take anymore talking tonight, Jongup," He bit harshly at the sharp collarbone he encountered on his way across Jongup's chest. "If you're not going to tell me more or harder then you have to shut up."
The chapped lips he had been dreaming of tugging on ever since the first time he'd seen them were thin and white as Jongup bit back more hesitations and let Himchan slowly drag his shorts down his legs.
When he was sober and shivering in the prison cell a week later he would remember this moment clearer than the rest of their night together. He would remember the way Jongup's eyes had dimmed and resignation had settled over his expression and he would wonder if his harshness had made Jongup think his worries had been true. That he hadn't wanted him for him, that all he'd wanted was to quiet him for the night.
He hadn't meant to, but maybe a deeper part of him had taken advantage of Jongup's devotion to him.
Jongup was too good for him.
When he'd awoken the next morning and Jongup's side of the bed was long cold and empty he hadn't been surprised.
The pillow next to him still smelled of Jongup's shampoo and if he closed his eyes and tried hard enough he could pretend he wasn't so utterly alone.
"You look terrible," Youngjae tilted his head to the side and frowned. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
"Not really," He tried to catch Jongup's eye at the table but it was to no avail. If he had known that Jongup's hushed whisper of his name as his legs wrapped around him was the last time they'd speak he would have said more. He would have told him he loved him again.
Jongup was too good for him. Had been too good for a very, very long time.
Part Six