~trying so hard to say what I need to~
If I was any more of a sap, I'd end up quoting John Mayer's song in the subject line. The usual rants behind the cut ... D:
First, I'll start off by saying I hate my computer. Seriously ... it will not start up properly. I'm currently locked in safe mode, which does not allow me to listen to music for some reason ... and at this point in the day, I really need to listen to my music. Specifically a few of the songs that I've not been able to put onto my iPod at this point in time. It's greatly disheartening.
On a different note, I've been thinking about, again, my lack of love life. It's such an old topic, that I get bored of it more often than I don't. Though I know I'm not the only one without a boyfriend, and that I really am okay with this the majority of the time, my mind keeps plaguing me with What Could Have Been, or at least teasing me with those sorts of thoughts. You see, when I was sixteen I had a friend who was infatuated with me. Naively, I was unaware of this for quite sometime, and the end result was not pretty when I found out. There wasn't a fight or anything, but feelings were hurt, I know, and I still feel guilty about it. The thing is - I was simply not ready for a relationship of that type at that time. Though I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, the reality of having one was not something I was prepared to handle at that age. But ... what would have happened had we dated? Would I be attending college in Pennsylvania, or would I have been more interested in attending LC, closer to where he's at school? More realistically, we would have broken up after awhile (time, college experience, changes people, after all). Even so ...
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I do care for him now. A very belated return of affection that I've held onto for the past couple of years. He's dating, of course. I wish him every happiness. He's an utterly sweet guy, and he deserves it whereas I'm sure I don't. Admittedly, what I did wasn't too horrible in the grand scheme of things, but I can't help but feel guilty.
Also, I really don't think I've had a legit crush since my freshman year of college. There are guys I find attractive, certainly. The two J's in my classes this past semester ... Gettysburg Boy ... But I don't think i can honestly say I've had a crush on anyone in particular. When I'm infatuated, I fall hard, and it takes me ages to get over it. And it also takes me a very long time to develop crushes ... which one of my roommates couldn't believe, but it's the honest truth. I don't get crushes easily, or lightly.
In some ways, I feel like Anne, from the Anne of Green Gables series. Whilst I lack my Gilbert, I feel that, like Anne, I'm simply in love with love ... that I've filled my mind with all these ridiculous notions, that I don't recognize true affection/love/etc when I encounter it. Though I am less 'flighty' than she is ...
But I am pretty f***ing dense. At least when it comes to this sort of stuff. I can write about it, but cannot function in it to save my life.
In other news, PRAXIS is approaching, and I'm scared/stressed. I don't feel like I am, but I know I am, 'cause I cannot bring myself to signup/study for the stupid thing. I rarely used the avoidance tactic.
Also ... I don't remember if I ever ranted about how PO'd I am at my old roommate. Well, upon checking my most recent entry ... it was pre-Madrigal, so nope! I've gone through this so much, I feel like a broken record, but I'm still more upset about this than I should be. Long story short - My ex and his new boyfriend showed up at JC for Madrigal and no one bothered to inform me. I ended up avoiding them, thank goodness, but am still very upset about the whole thing. More at Britny than at my ex.
Well, this is a very sizable entry ... I guess I ought to sign off.
First, I'll start off by saying I hate my computer. Seriously ... it will not start up properly. I'm currently locked in safe mode, which does not allow me to listen to music for some reason ... and at this point in the day, I really need to listen to my music. Specifically a few of the songs that I've not been able to put onto my iPod at this point in time. It's greatly disheartening.
On a different note, I've been thinking about, again, my lack of love life. It's such an old topic, that I get bored of it more often than I don't. Though I know I'm not the only one without a boyfriend, and that I really am okay with this the majority of the time, my mind keeps plaguing me with What Could Have Been, or at least teasing me with those sorts of thoughts. You see, when I was sixteen I had a friend who was infatuated with me. Naively, I was unaware of this for quite sometime, and the end result was not pretty when I found out. There wasn't a fight or anything, but feelings were hurt, I know, and I still feel guilty about it. The thing is - I was simply not ready for a relationship of that type at that time. Though I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, the reality of having one was not something I was prepared to handle at that age. But ... what would have happened had we dated? Would I be attending college in Pennsylvania, or would I have been more interested in attending LC, closer to where he's at school? More realistically, we would have broken up after awhile (time, college experience, changes people, after all). Even so ...
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I do care for him now. A very belated return of affection that I've held onto for the past couple of years. He's dating, of course. I wish him every happiness. He's an utterly sweet guy, and he deserves it whereas I'm sure I don't. Admittedly, what I did wasn't too horrible in the grand scheme of things, but I can't help but feel guilty.
Also, I really don't think I've had a legit crush since my freshman year of college. There are guys I find attractive, certainly. The two J's in my classes this past semester ... Gettysburg Boy ... But I don't think i can honestly say I've had a crush on anyone in particular. When I'm infatuated, I fall hard, and it takes me ages to get over it. And it also takes me a very long time to develop crushes ... which one of my roommates couldn't believe, but it's the honest truth. I don't get crushes easily, or lightly.
In some ways, I feel like Anne, from the Anne of Green Gables series. Whilst I lack my Gilbert, I feel that, like Anne, I'm simply in love with love ... that I've filled my mind with all these ridiculous notions, that I don't recognize true affection/love/etc when I encounter it. Though I am less 'flighty' than she is ...
But I am pretty f***ing dense. At least when it comes to this sort of stuff. I can write about it, but cannot function in it to save my life.
In other news, PRAXIS is approaching, and I'm scared/stressed. I don't feel like I am, but I know I am, 'cause I cannot bring myself to signup/study for the stupid thing. I rarely used the avoidance tactic.
Also ... I don't remember if I ever ranted about how PO'd I am at my old roommate. Well, upon checking my most recent entry ... it was pre-Madrigal, so nope! I've gone through this so much, I feel like a broken record, but I'm still more upset about this than I should be. Long story short - My ex and his new boyfriend showed up at JC for Madrigal and no one bothered to inform me. I ended up avoiding them, thank goodness, but am still very upset about the whole thing. More at Britny than at my ex.
Well, this is a very sizable entry ... I guess I ought to sign off.