(no subject)
whoever you like, do not open the link below if you really have no cares about my welfare it will just bore you, a lot
Dear everybody
I have not been drinking. Also no names will be mentioned aside from my own, if you knwo enough about me then you will know of the people inolved.
I am in an incredibly bad mood. I mean so utterly bad I have developed the ability to physically hate someone. I know that when I do not take care of myself properly that I suffer from a minor personality shift. But my feelings have become so bad I do not think I can physically stand to be around him anymore. This would mean dropping out of Live action Mage and Requiem. It would also mean dropping out of Farscape and Gamessoc social events. I am also aware that I am feeling this way due to my personality shift,but right now I do not give a fucking damn about the fact my mind will calm down in the morning. Still I retain enough of my own proper feelings to know that is a stupid reaction. I just dislike the fact he thinks we are friends, but we are not. I have never like dhim, never have and frankly given what I know now, I never will.
I am also hating the fact that I miss the girl I just let go. I know I shouldn't, I know that I should be better off without her consdiering all the harm she had caused. But I still want to be loved, even if it is by a woman who doesn't know what she really wants. I am aware that I may be projecting my wants and needs onto my female friends. Who as far as I am aware have no interest in me at all. Still I am also afraid that I am passively pushing them from my life by doing things I know they will dislike. Feelings and emotions are stupid. I just want to have someone I cna love and who will , to the exclusion of all others, love me in return. Sadly given my self esteem issues, this is basically an impossibility, sine if a woman shows any interest in me, I will go on the defensive, and push her towards someone , anyone, who is not me. It's not like I ahven;t tried that with almost every girlfriend I ahve had, but for some reason some women slip through. Be it because I may actaully not want to push them away and so do not try as hard or maybe they have the will to persevere and they see something in me i don't. I do actually remember one of them slapping me because of what i was doing. But I can not say for certain what the reasons are.
I know that I will be ok. I know that, yet I can;t help but think I could be happier. But then that is not true. I know all of these bad feelings are because of my inability to make a proper meal before going out to meet peopel at the pib tonight. This emant my blood sugar was low, I was in a bad mood because of it and everythinhg which would not normally annoy me has done like a hundred fold.
I don;t want people syaing they love me platonically. I know a lot of you do. I wantt people to actually help me choose what I want from my life. I am a difficult person, whic many difficult facets to me.
and I have a cough
Dear everybody
I have not been drinking. Also no names will be mentioned aside from my own, if you knwo enough about me then you will know of the people inolved.
I am in an incredibly bad mood. I mean so utterly bad I have developed the ability to physically hate someone. I know that when I do not take care of myself properly that I suffer from a minor personality shift. But my feelings have become so bad I do not think I can physically stand to be around him anymore. This would mean dropping out of Live action Mage and Requiem. It would also mean dropping out of Farscape and Gamessoc social events. I am also aware that I am feeling this way due to my personality shift,but right now I do not give a fucking damn about the fact my mind will calm down in the morning. Still I retain enough of my own proper feelings to know that is a stupid reaction. I just dislike the fact he thinks we are friends, but we are not. I have never like dhim, never have and frankly given what I know now, I never will.
I am also hating the fact that I miss the girl I just let go. I know I shouldn't, I know that I should be better off without her consdiering all the harm she had caused. But I still want to be loved, even if it is by a woman who doesn't know what she really wants. I am aware that I may be projecting my wants and needs onto my female friends. Who as far as I am aware have no interest in me at all. Still I am also afraid that I am passively pushing them from my life by doing things I know they will dislike. Feelings and emotions are stupid. I just want to have someone I cna love and who will , to the exclusion of all others, love me in return. Sadly given my self esteem issues, this is basically an impossibility, sine if a woman shows any interest in me, I will go on the defensive, and push her towards someone , anyone, who is not me. It's not like I ahven;t tried that with almost every girlfriend I ahve had, but for some reason some women slip through. Be it because I may actaully not want to push them away and so do not try as hard or maybe they have the will to persevere and they see something in me i don't. I do actually remember one of them slapping me because of what i was doing. But I can not say for certain what the reasons are.
I know that I will be ok. I know that, yet I can;t help but think I could be happier. But then that is not true. I know all of these bad feelings are because of my inability to make a proper meal before going out to meet peopel at the pib tonight. This emant my blood sugar was low, I was in a bad mood because of it and everythinhg which would not normally annoy me has done like a hundred fold.
I don;t want people syaing they love me platonically. I know a lot of you do. I wantt people to actually help me choose what I want from my life. I am a difficult person, whic many difficult facets to me.
and I have a cough