Nails
Title: Nails
Pairing: Daejae
Rating: PG-17
Type: One Shot
Genre: Angst
[{Sequel to Marionette}]
❊❊❊
His gun was pointed at the man's chest, the man who had both his hands behind his head. Cold sweat had gathered above his brow, threatening to fall. Jung daehyun was shaking.
"Ah... This place seems familiar?" The man's lips curled into an ugly smirk as he picked up on daehyun's anxiety. "It's where I killed him. Your boyfriend. He was such a good sport..."
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up-
"So beautiful... Fiesty though... Put up a pretty good fight... Youngjae was it?"
"Don't you dare fucking speak his name!"
Angry tears tore down his face as he re-affirmed his grip on the gun. All he had to do now was to pull the trigger.
"Go on. Kill me. Nothing will change. He'd still be dead."
Daehyun took his aim.
"I wish I could make this more painful for you-"
As the last syllable left daehyun's lips, he fired. Muffled gunshot bruising the silence. If only this could set daehyun at ease, make everything alright again. If only this could bring youngjae back. He was wood and string, no more. A marionette needed his iron nails to keep him whole, keep him standing, keep him closer to being alive.
[beat]
"Wake up sleepy head!"
Daehyun's eyes fluttered open, pulling the source of warmth closer to his bare chest.
"A little while longer..."
He murmured against soft hair.
"I have to go, Daehyunnie..."
Daehyun's eyes were wide now, catching a glimpse of the sad smile on the other's face. He held on tighter, grip almost constricting.
"No! Don't! Just stay with me please..."
Daehyun begged, slowly losing the sensation of smooth skin against his calloused hands. He was choking on thin air, fingers desperately clawing; fighting to hold on to something he could never get used to losing. Something that he had had to live without every damned day since then.
"Daehyunnie... I'm sorry..."
The younger boy closed his eyes as a gunshot whipped through the air.
Daehyun jerked up from bed, body slick with a sheen of sweat, head spinning, strangled cries of 'youngjae' slipping past his lips. He had lost count of the times he's had the same damned dream. It would start out differently every time, but by the end he would always wake up to cold sheets and harsh reality. He ruffled his hair in exasperation as he dragged himself to the showers.
"What?"
Daehyun said curtly. Himchan and yongguk were looking at him like he had two heads.
"You know what, Jung daehyun."
Daehyun poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table before gesturing for either one of them to continue.
"Going after that guy alone... What were you thinking? You could've gotten yourself killed!"
"I'm still here aren't I?"
"I know you're upset daehyun, we all are. But you're destroying yourself! You barely eat, you spend nights going through maps and shooting targets. Your hands are bleeding from holding the gun, Daehyunnie. We have a mission coming up and I don't want you to-"
"I've got your backs."
"That's not what we mea-"
"You don't have to worry. I won't screw up again. I failed youngjae. It won't happen again."
Himchan and yongguk winced when they heard that name. Nothing was the same since his death. Nothing was the same since Himchan had returned with that photograph in his hands.
"We just wanted to know if you were alright..."
Yongguk's voice was soft. He had changed a bit since Youngjae left. He was now capable of sympathy, almost. Unlike the unrelenting leader-figure Daehyun once knew. Yongguk knew it was a stupid question. But he wanted an answer anyway. Any answer from the younger who hadn't spoken to them since.
Daehyun smiled feebly and nodded. Apologized, said he was going to be fine.
[beat]
Himchan slipped the crumpled sheet into daehyun's hands. Daehyun let the gloss warm up in his palms. He let Himchan's apology linger in the air.
They were younger then. In the photo. They were still at the old bunks, with all the other work-in-progresses. Youngjae had to install a bug. He had to do it alone and daehyun was more nervous than he was. They were under the sheets and the flash had blinded them, leaving them with strings of 'ouch'es pouring from their mouths.
"Shit! They're gonna hear us, Daehyunnie!"
Youngjae whispered in a state of panic as the sickening whir of the poloroid camera hummed through the bunks. Daehyun shut his eyes and hoped that no one would tug on their sheets any time soon. They only had one chance to take a good picture, there was only one film left in the stolen camera, after wasting the precious film to overexposure. And daehyun smiled after squinting to see the rough compositions of the picture. It's perfect. You're perfect. Youngjae flicked at his forehead. They sealed the agreement with a kiss.
Daehyun stitched the photograph into a compartment on the underside of youngjae's jacket the next day. So I'm with you all the time. Daehyun had said before pulling him into a tight embrace.
"I'll be back soon, idiot!"
Youngjae rolled his eyes and blushed and daehyun knew he was the most beautiful thing in his life.
Daehyun was crying, everything crashed down on him. The photograph weighed more than daehyun could handle. The rings in is pocket mocked him. Daehyun always thought failure was the worse feeling he could ever fathom. But he was wrong.
The concoction of regret and guilt was far more potent.
[beat]
Daehyun had it all planned. It was the only solution to a problem he couldn't help but feel responsible for. He was going to set things right.
He hoped youngjae waited for him. Hoped he hasn't moved on or anything. Daehyun grasped the two rings tight in his palm, feeling the cool metal leave imprints on his skin. Daehyun made sure he placed the note where yongguk and Himchan would see it before making his way out. The note contained his apology, his heartfelt thanks, he wanted them to know he still has their backs, he would watch over them. He regrets not being able to say goodbye to them. But he knew they'd understand in time. They'd understand once they looked at the photo that daehyun had left behind with the note.
The gun felt heavy in his blistered hands. But everything was going to be over soon. He felt his pockets, the extra weight of the rings giving him assurance.
Daehyun smiled and the gunshot that came after erased his existence from his world almost completely. But his smile still remained for the world to marvel at. Before the ground swallowed him whole
[beat]
The blue-haired boy shot down his last target with almost robotic precision. The blues of his hair had been allowed to fade. He would have to darken his hair once he starts on his missions. He was always so hardworking, always asking for more, always ready for a challenge. Probably the reason why they called him Zelo, after the god of rivalry.
"How did I do?”
But the big smile on his face told daehyun that he already knew the answer.
"Awesome."
Daehyun ruffled his hair and watched as he puffed his cheeks in annoyance. Everyone said that zelo was a lot like daehyun. But zelo reminded daehyun of youngjae. The way he would smile when he gets the target, the way his mouth curves into an 'o' when he grasps something new.
"You're ready now, zelo-ya..."
Zelo looked up in shock and wild joy.
"You think so?"
Daehyun nodded. He had taught him everything he knew. Created a fighter that would fill in the gaps. Fill in the gaps for him. Daehyun could leave now. And zelo understood, somehow. He knew it had to do with youngjae hyung and he knew better than to probe. He was a smart child.
"You're leaving?"
Daehyun nodded once more, smiling at the child before him. Feeling a tinge of guilt. But Zelo had wanted this. He was always so eager, just like daehyun had been. He was stubborn too, so nothing could change his mind.
"Any last tips for me... Hyung?"
Daehyun smiled at the deviant grin on zelo's face, a sad smile that seemed all too fitting his face.
"Don't fall in love..."
[beat]
Everything had gone back to normal. Because they had to move on.
"What's the occasion, hyung?"
Zelo asked as he returned to a table full of pizza and beer. There was even cake, a few slices, botched up on the trip back.
"Youngjae's birthday..."
Himchan replied with a smile and zelo returned with another and an understanding nod. This was one of the first times they had celebrated anything. The birthday boy was never going to come, but they celebrated nonetheless. Because they had so little to celebrate, but it's moments like these in which they felt most human. In which they felt they could tide over the grief of losing the two of them. In which they learnt that beneath the wood and strings and iron nails to keep them together, they needed each other to live. Zelo never really had the privilege of really getting to know youngjae. They had brushed shoulders a few times and Zelo had liked him, despite the awkwardness. Youngjae with his understanding smile and shoulder-slapping when he found something amusing.
"To youngjae and daehyun..."
Yongguk said, raising his beer can in the air, a rare smile decorating his face.
"To youngjae and daehyun..."
Himchan and zelo echoed, crashing cans with yongguk, similar smiles tugging at their lips. They didn't know what they were feeling really. Not grief, not anything. Just a faint sense of longing, a glimmer of hope, a fervent desire to stay alive and be alive. Because it was okay to feel sometimes, Yongguk knew this now, from the way he smiles when they succeed on missions and when Himchan burns the rice while attempting to cook. Zelo looked over to the fridge, hand around a pizza slice and conversation by his ears. He felt the need to give a slight nod towards the crumpled picture of the dearly deceased. It was weird to see daehyun like that. So vulnerable, so in love, lips on youngjae's cheek. Zelo hoped Daehyun would tell Youngjae a little more about him, hoped that they’d both still occasionally watch over them. So that Youngjae and Daehyun would know that they were the iron nails that kept the team together. That made them so much more than stiff indefinite wood.
[beat]
"Daehyunnie? Weren't you afraid? Of dying I mean..."
Youngjae said, his arm around daehyun's waist, head on his shoulder. They were perched precariously on the edge of the building, watching as time drafted beneath their feet. It was evening time and they were savouring the last of daylight. Daehyun was smiling at him, held him so tight, so full of love that they were both afraid this was going to be temporary. But the matching metal bands around their fourth fingers told them otherwise.
Daehyun playfully pecked his cheek, stupid smile on his face. Youngjae's skin turned a pretty shade of pink as he averted his gaze to the shrinking horizon. Daehyun felt so at home, so right, so alive. Right then, he knew that even in death, Youngjae was the most beautiful thing.
"Nope... I said I’d always be here to protect you, didn’t I? I promised…"
Pairing: Daejae
Rating: PG-17
Type: One Shot
Genre: Angst
[{Sequel to Marionette}]
❊❊❊
His gun was pointed at the man's chest, the man who had both his hands behind his head. Cold sweat had gathered above his brow, threatening to fall. Jung daehyun was shaking.
"Ah... This place seems familiar?" The man's lips curled into an ugly smirk as he picked up on daehyun's anxiety. "It's where I killed him. Your boyfriend. He was such a good sport..."
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up-
"So beautiful... Fiesty though... Put up a pretty good fight... Youngjae was it?"
"Don't you dare fucking speak his name!"
Angry tears tore down his face as he re-affirmed his grip on the gun. All he had to do now was to pull the trigger.
"Go on. Kill me. Nothing will change. He'd still be dead."
Daehyun took his aim.
"I wish I could make this more painful for you-"
As the last syllable left daehyun's lips, he fired. Muffled gunshot bruising the silence. If only this could set daehyun at ease, make everything alright again. If only this could bring youngjae back. He was wood and string, no more. A marionette needed his iron nails to keep him whole, keep him standing, keep him closer to being alive.
[beat]
"Wake up sleepy head!"
Daehyun's eyes fluttered open, pulling the source of warmth closer to his bare chest.
"A little while longer..."
He murmured against soft hair.
"I have to go, Daehyunnie..."
Daehyun's eyes were wide now, catching a glimpse of the sad smile on the other's face. He held on tighter, grip almost constricting.
"No! Don't! Just stay with me please..."
Daehyun begged, slowly losing the sensation of smooth skin against his calloused hands. He was choking on thin air, fingers desperately clawing; fighting to hold on to something he could never get used to losing. Something that he had had to live without every damned day since then.
"Daehyunnie... I'm sorry..."
The younger boy closed his eyes as a gunshot whipped through the air.
Daehyun jerked up from bed, body slick with a sheen of sweat, head spinning, strangled cries of 'youngjae' slipping past his lips. He had lost count of the times he's had the same damned dream. It would start out differently every time, but by the end he would always wake up to cold sheets and harsh reality. He ruffled his hair in exasperation as he dragged himself to the showers.
"What?"
Daehyun said curtly. Himchan and yongguk were looking at him like he had two heads.
"You know what, Jung daehyun."
Daehyun poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table before gesturing for either one of them to continue.
"Going after that guy alone... What were you thinking? You could've gotten yourself killed!"
"I'm still here aren't I?"
"I know you're upset daehyun, we all are. But you're destroying yourself! You barely eat, you spend nights going through maps and shooting targets. Your hands are bleeding from holding the gun, Daehyunnie. We have a mission coming up and I don't want you to-"
"I've got your backs."
"That's not what we mea-"
"You don't have to worry. I won't screw up again. I failed youngjae. It won't happen again."
Himchan and yongguk winced when they heard that name. Nothing was the same since his death. Nothing was the same since Himchan had returned with that photograph in his hands.
"We just wanted to know if you were alright..."
Yongguk's voice was soft. He had changed a bit since Youngjae left. He was now capable of sympathy, almost. Unlike the unrelenting leader-figure Daehyun once knew. Yongguk knew it was a stupid question. But he wanted an answer anyway. Any answer from the younger who hadn't spoken to them since.
Daehyun smiled feebly and nodded. Apologized, said he was going to be fine.
[beat]
Himchan slipped the crumpled sheet into daehyun's hands. Daehyun let the gloss warm up in his palms. He let Himchan's apology linger in the air.
They were younger then. In the photo. They were still at the old bunks, with all the other work-in-progresses. Youngjae had to install a bug. He had to do it alone and daehyun was more nervous than he was. They were under the sheets and the flash had blinded them, leaving them with strings of 'ouch'es pouring from their mouths.
"Shit! They're gonna hear us, Daehyunnie!"
Youngjae whispered in a state of panic as the sickening whir of the poloroid camera hummed through the bunks. Daehyun shut his eyes and hoped that no one would tug on their sheets any time soon. They only had one chance to take a good picture, there was only one film left in the stolen camera, after wasting the precious film to overexposure. And daehyun smiled after squinting to see the rough compositions of the picture. It's perfect. You're perfect. Youngjae flicked at his forehead. They sealed the agreement with a kiss.
Daehyun stitched the photograph into a compartment on the underside of youngjae's jacket the next day. So I'm with you all the time. Daehyun had said before pulling him into a tight embrace.
"I'll be back soon, idiot!"
Youngjae rolled his eyes and blushed and daehyun knew he was the most beautiful thing in his life.
Daehyun was crying, everything crashed down on him. The photograph weighed more than daehyun could handle. The rings in is pocket mocked him. Daehyun always thought failure was the worse feeling he could ever fathom. But he was wrong.
The concoction of regret and guilt was far more potent.
[beat]
Daehyun had it all planned. It was the only solution to a problem he couldn't help but feel responsible for. He was going to set things right.
He hoped youngjae waited for him. Hoped he hasn't moved on or anything. Daehyun grasped the two rings tight in his palm, feeling the cool metal leave imprints on his skin. Daehyun made sure he placed the note where yongguk and Himchan would see it before making his way out. The note contained his apology, his heartfelt thanks, he wanted them to know he still has their backs, he would watch over them. He regrets not being able to say goodbye to them. But he knew they'd understand in time. They'd understand once they looked at the photo that daehyun had left behind with the note.
The gun felt heavy in his blistered hands. But everything was going to be over soon. He felt his pockets, the extra weight of the rings giving him assurance.
Daehyun smiled and the gunshot that came after erased his existence from his world almost completely. But his smile still remained for the world to marvel at. Before the ground swallowed him whole
[beat]
The blue-haired boy shot down his last target with almost robotic precision. The blues of his hair had been allowed to fade. He would have to darken his hair once he starts on his missions. He was always so hardworking, always asking for more, always ready for a challenge. Probably the reason why they called him Zelo, after the god of rivalry.
"How did I do?”
But the big smile on his face told daehyun that he already knew the answer.
"Awesome."
Daehyun ruffled his hair and watched as he puffed his cheeks in annoyance. Everyone said that zelo was a lot like daehyun. But zelo reminded daehyun of youngjae. The way he would smile when he gets the target, the way his mouth curves into an 'o' when he grasps something new.
"You're ready now, zelo-ya..."
Zelo looked up in shock and wild joy.
"You think so?"
Daehyun nodded. He had taught him everything he knew. Created a fighter that would fill in the gaps. Fill in the gaps for him. Daehyun could leave now. And zelo understood, somehow. He knew it had to do with youngjae hyung and he knew better than to probe. He was a smart child.
"You're leaving?"
Daehyun nodded once more, smiling at the child before him. Feeling a tinge of guilt. But Zelo had wanted this. He was always so eager, just like daehyun had been. He was stubborn too, so nothing could change his mind.
"Any last tips for me... Hyung?"
Daehyun smiled at the deviant grin on zelo's face, a sad smile that seemed all too fitting his face.
"Don't fall in love..."
[beat]
Everything had gone back to normal. Because they had to move on.
"What's the occasion, hyung?"
Zelo asked as he returned to a table full of pizza and beer. There was even cake, a few slices, botched up on the trip back.
"Youngjae's birthday..."
Himchan replied with a smile and zelo returned with another and an understanding nod. This was one of the first times they had celebrated anything. The birthday boy was never going to come, but they celebrated nonetheless. Because they had so little to celebrate, but it's moments like these in which they felt most human. In which they felt they could tide over the grief of losing the two of them. In which they learnt that beneath the wood and strings and iron nails to keep them together, they needed each other to live. Zelo never really had the privilege of really getting to know youngjae. They had brushed shoulders a few times and Zelo had liked him, despite the awkwardness. Youngjae with his understanding smile and shoulder-slapping when he found something amusing.
"To youngjae and daehyun..."
Yongguk said, raising his beer can in the air, a rare smile decorating his face.
"To youngjae and daehyun..."
Himchan and zelo echoed, crashing cans with yongguk, similar smiles tugging at their lips. They didn't know what they were feeling really. Not grief, not anything. Just a faint sense of longing, a glimmer of hope, a fervent desire to stay alive and be alive. Because it was okay to feel sometimes, Yongguk knew this now, from the way he smiles when they succeed on missions and when Himchan burns the rice while attempting to cook. Zelo looked over to the fridge, hand around a pizza slice and conversation by his ears. He felt the need to give a slight nod towards the crumpled picture of the dearly deceased. It was weird to see daehyun like that. So vulnerable, so in love, lips on youngjae's cheek. Zelo hoped Daehyun would tell Youngjae a little more about him, hoped that they’d both still occasionally watch over them. So that Youngjae and Daehyun would know that they were the iron nails that kept the team together. That made them so much more than stiff indefinite wood.
[beat]
"Daehyunnie? Weren't you afraid? Of dying I mean..."
Youngjae said, his arm around daehyun's waist, head on his shoulder. They were perched precariously on the edge of the building, watching as time drafted beneath their feet. It was evening time and they were savouring the last of daylight. Daehyun was smiling at him, held him so tight, so full of love that they were both afraid this was going to be temporary. But the matching metal bands around their fourth fingers told them otherwise.
Daehyun playfully pecked his cheek, stupid smile on his face. Youngjae's skin turned a pretty shade of pink as he averted his gaze to the shrinking horizon. Daehyun felt so at home, so right, so alive. Right then, he knew that even in death, Youngjae was the most beautiful thing.
"Nope... I said I’d always be here to protect you, didn’t I? I promised…"