Work Affairs. Chapter 3.
Chapter 3: Doubt.
Finally, we had arrived at the set of Golden Star Ball. We all departed from the van when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. Sequentially sending my hand into my pocket to retrieve it, hearing my ringtone as we entered the smaller building.
"Noona neomu yeppeoseo~"
This song brought back so many memories: our initiation into idol-hood. When we first debuted. I could remember these images so vividly. When Jonghyun and I were just normal friends whom displayed stereotypical skinship. Before we truly had any responsibilities entrusted to us. When we were just kids and we behaved accordingly. Before we were pressured; and our biggest worries were studying and doing our homework in time. Before we were concerned with what was socially accepted by dogma nor stigma. Everything was perfect, but I just had to go and amass feelings for the guy, didn't I?
"I still can't believe I, indirectly, confessed to him on Yunhanams." I thought, inevitably, a bit of laughter releasing from my lips as I cursed myself for being such a blabbering fool. No matter what I did, I unavoidably began thinking about Jong. That day, after the show, he confronted me and we shared each others lips for the first time. Almost a full three years ago that was. One of the happiest moments of my life. Yet, amidst all of this thought I soon found myself in, I had realized I hadn't even read the text message.
Bringing my phone to my face, I read the name 'Jonghyunnie.' as I walked aimlessly, just barely peering up to see Minho and Taemin's backside to ensure that I am walking in the right direction.
"Oh great." I thought to myself, undecided as to whether or not I was actually going to read the text message.
"Oh, why not?" I contested.
"What's the worse that could happen?" I continued reasoning. Not that I truly needed any convincing. Irrefutably, I didn't need any valid reason to read his text message. Deep down, I knew I would succumb eventually. I pressed the enter key.
"Keke, I like your shirt. You're not still mad at me, right? I'll be waiting for you after your show. I have something to tell you. -Jonghyun." the contents read, the largest smile creeping the corner of my lips.
"Key, you're slipping." I abruptly reminded myself, but I couldn't deny the pure happiness now surging through my body. Even when I am mad and trying to ignore this idiot, he still manages to drive me absolutely insane. I shouldn't be as excited as I was at the sight of this text message.
"Shirt.. what shirt? What does he mean?" I whispered under my breath, searching the depths of my mind for what he meant before I, hesitantly, looked down. And that was when I saw it. I was wearing our washtag couple shirt. His black one, to be exact. He left it in my room a few weeks ago and I had never returned it. How could I not have noticed?! Recapping the earlier situation from this morning where I was rushing.
"DIRTYWORD, DIRTYWORD, DIRTYWORD." I shouted aloud. Much louder than I had originally intended. I had initially wanted nothing more than to throw my hands in the air and begin cursing, but I was the biggest potty mouth before my training in SM Entertainment. They had me make substitutions. You know, in a way to uphold our idol persona. Under protest, I peeled my eyes from my phone and shifted my eyes to the left and right. Everyone was seemingly silent for a moment, staring at me. Even Taemin and Minho had stopped and had their eyes focused on me. I bowed my head in shame and quickly walked ahead, hiding behind Minho's tall figure as a shield, pushing the two younger boys with me as I did. I could tell they could sense my embarrassment and allowed me to do so. Not as if they had a choice in the beginning.
"Even my subconscious is against me!" I thought, forsaking the world as we were finally being lead into our preparation room, almost immediately being overwhelmed with stylists and make-up artists alike. I quickly submerged my phone back into my pocket, repressing any and every thought of Jonghyun and attracted my attention to the subject at hand. After an hour or so of pampering and costume changes, we made our appearances, and the show began.
--
After all of the witty banter and some dancing, courtesy of me and Taemin -- me demonstrating my amazing girl group skills, of course --, the show was finally reaching its end, with Minho rapping his verse from Ring Ding Dong for the audience, before bowing and returning to his seat. I honestly was drowning everyone and everything out. As if that weren't indication enough when the host called my name.
"Key!" he called. My savior, Minho, subliminally nudged my arm. He knew I wouldn't have responded otherwise.
"Yes?" I replied.
"You are the groups sub-rapper, no? Show us your skills!" he said, applauding. The rest of the audience joining him, beckoning me.
"No, I'd rather not!" I said, laughing and waving my hands as rejection.
"But you're Almighty!" Alright, after that, how could I say no? I have a reputation to maintain!
"From any song in particular?" I said, rising from my seat, centering myself on the set.
"Anything that you would like." he answered. I bit my bottom lip, unaware of what to do. I hadn't rehearsed anything for this so he took me by surprise. So I just decided on the one that had been stuck in my head the entire day.
"Have you.." I began, quickly taking a breath "tried thinking about me? Given any thought about me? The times we stayed together like lover's flying free. I still love you. Seems like I should forget you. But when I see the picture that we took together, I can never forget cha~" I finished.
"WOAH!" the host started "A GREAT RAP AND ENGLISH! He really - is - Almighty!" his voice soon being suffocated by the enormous amount of applause.
"As if this was not already an understood fact." I said, grinning as everyone else burst out into uncontrollable laughter.
"That's our Key for you!" Taemin blurted out, trying to help remedy the situation the best way he knew how. He's so young, he probably thinks I somehow disrespected the host. I couldn't help, but feel bad for him when the entire room got quiet after his statement. My poor son. Always provoking the most awkward of moments. After exchanging a few more sentences with each other, we said our goodbyes and made our way backstage to Manager-sshi who was now waiting for us. I could feel my head twisting every which way, desperately searching for that perfection I knew had to be waiting for me. I kept receiving constant 'good work!' appraisals or questions about my English speaking abilities and I tried answering them, albeit halfheartedly, still scoping the room for Jong with my eyes. After a few minutes, I felt a finger tapping on my shoulder.
"Who are you looking for?" Manager-sshi asked as I looked over my shoulder at him.
"No one." I said flatly, still glancing around the room.
"Jonghyun?" he said, smiling as if taunting me. My eyes widened as I simultaneously tried fighting my ever changing facial expression.
"He's not coming." he said flatly.
"Wha-"
"He's on a date." he interrupted, elaborating on his previous accusation. My heart might as well have stopped beating. The ache I felt in my chest right now was absolutely unbearable. I had to get away. The bathroom, the hallway, anywhere so that no one could see me cry. I ran past him, bumping shoulders, outside the door, down the hallway, and finally into the van.
"I knew he wasn't coming. I just knew it." I proclaimed, trying to reassure myself as the tears began streaming down my face. Even though I was lying -- my mind was fully set on being greeted at the end of the show by his warmth.
"You're such an idiot. You always let him do this. Why do you allow him to have so much control over you?" I insulted, questioning myself. Water covering the outside of my cheeks even more as I felt myself crying harder and harder. I knew there was only so much more I could take. My phone noisily ringing in my pocket, again.
"Noona neomu yepp-" I grabbed at it hysterically, clinging to that glimmer of hope that it would be him.
"Sorry I wasn't there to see you after your show.. something came up. See you tonight. -Jonghyun." I threw the phone across the van as hard as I could, hearing it crash into the hard material and then onto the floor.
"Yeah.. I bet something came up."
"ASSHOLE." I screeched, pausing and running my hands through my hair vigorously.
"Perhaps you should just accept the fact that you won't ever - actually - be with him." I declared audibly, instantaneously snapping my lips shut and grabbing my mouth with my hands. I heard my words briefly echo in the empty van. Even though they were my own words, they hurt. I had never fully contemplated that revelation until right now. Maybe I was.. right. There is no way we could ever express ourselves in public. Everything, up until this point, remained clandestine. No one wants us together: obviously not him, not his new girlfriend, not Manager-sshi, not SM, not our families, and, most of all, not all of Korea. I should have known from the very beginning. Same-sex relationships are taboo. We had discussed running away together once, but that's a fairytale dream. That's not realistic, he and I both knew it. We wouldn't sacrifice our careers for this. I just had to accept that this is how things are and nothing was ever going to change.
"I knew this is how things were going to be.." I thought, realizing something was beneath my leg. Reaching underneath it, I pulled out a black piece of cloth, accidentally unraveling it in the process. There it was. Haunting me. Just as it was before the show. Our stupid 'couple' shirt. Just looking at it made me sick to my stomach and disturbed so many subdued emotions. Pissed off, I rolled it into a ball and went to throw it at the opposite side of the van. Yet, as I brought my hand to the side of my face and went to release, my fingers clenched it. I just buried my face in the shirt and felt completely helpless as the memories of me sleeping with it on filled my head. The tears continuously streaming down my face. I just couldn't find the strength to stop crying so hard.
Suddenly, someone was approaching, signified by the bell attached to the entrance door that destroyed the silence: startling me. My eyes expanding as I looked out the window at Minho, Taemin, and Manager-sshi. I quickly made use of my hands, wiping the salt water that had encased it. I tried using his shirt to do so, as well, but it was soaked from my tears. I wrapped the article of clothing, compressing it, and shoved it between my leg and the door.
"KEY-UMMA~" Taemin shouted, pulling the door of the van open, his face lit with excitement.
"That was a really fun program, wasn't it!?" he asked, jumping into the van, moving close to me.
"Yeah it was!" I said, flashing him a fake smile.
"I wonder what fun show we'll be on next!" he said as Minho entered the van behind him. His gaze quickly shooting at me.
"Shit." I thought, my eyes promptly looking out the window.
"Avoid. Eye. Contact." I told myself, even though the look in his eyes informed me that he had already known.
"Why couldn't he just be like Taemin and suspect nothing!?" I yelled in my mind. Manager-sshi closing in close behind him with yet another grin gracing his face. He always seemed to be smiling at my turmoil. I felt the vibrations of the van being started as I heard the driver shifting gears and increased the space between us and the building.
"Finally. I just want to go home." I thought, remaining silent, wiping my eyes once more as a just in case measure. I had began noticing that all of our car rides seemed much longer and more awkward when Onew and Jong weren't around. Nevertheless, I glued my eyes to the window for the remainder of the ride until we pulled up to the front of the house. As soon as the door opened, Taemin darted out. Such a kid, he was. I enjoyed how innocent he was. I really did. I smiled as I watched him skip to the doorstep with me not far behind. I could feel Minho's eyes continuously being projected on me.
"Fuck. Would he stop staring." I thought, entering the house.
"Alright. Time to take my mind off of asshole-hyung.. What to do.. what to do.." I pondered.
"OH, OF COURSE. FOOD." I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed any and everything in sight in preparation for my feast I was sure to have.
"Key, we're all going to be stepping out for a minute. Do you want to come?" Manager-sshi asked. Minho and Taemin at his side.
"No, that's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive." I answered as Minho walked closer to me and leaned down, his lips next to my ear.
"I'm sorry that I have to go, but I called Dongwoon for you. He's on his way over." he whispered, turning his back and following the others out the door. I sat there for a second, puzzled.
--
After a good half hour or so of chowing down, I couldn't eat another bite so I made my way up to my room, kicking the door closed behind me. I turned around when I didn't hear it close, only to see Dongwoon's fingers in the way. He opened the door, entered my room, and shut it behind him.
"Dongwoon-ah, what are you doi-"
"You were crying in the car, weren't you?" he asked brusquely.
"N-no." I announced, unconvincingly, stumbling over my words and looking at the ground.
"Yes, you were. Key, don't lie to me." he said. I had never seen Dongwoon like this before. It was actually quite scary. He had never been so direct before.
"Why are you even here right now?! I'm fine! And why did you close the door behind you!?" I asked, attempting to change the conversation.
"Key, stop playing the waiting game. He isn't coming." he retaliated, the room engulfing in silence. My facial expression became troubled. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I couldn't keep my composure.
"I just.. feel so.. hurt.. embarrassed.. humiliated.. and I don't know what to d-" Stopping only to feel his arms around me, embracing me. He was so.. warm. Dongwoon always had a way of making me feel better and this isn't the first time we hugged, but this Dongwoon, this hug, .. this was so different. He rested his hand on the back of my head and laid it on his shoulder. I gradually enveloped his back with my hands. I just let myself cry. Right there. On his shoulder. And he didn't seem to mind. He pulled away for a moment and I still had my hands around his waist, looking at the ground. He tilted my head upward with his finger and looked into my eyes. Only moments before closing the space between us with his lips. He enveloped mine with his, with no hesitation. My eyes got so wide and I was honestly in a state of complete shock. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I rapidly regained my senses and pushed him away.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I shouted as I flailed my hands, not caring who heard.
My body flew back against the wall, as did the back of my head. There he was again, pressing his lips against mine. I hit his shoulder with my hand a few times, but he grabbed it and placed it on the wall. I was too weak in my present state to put up any of a fight. Or so I said. He separated my lips as he ran his hands up my shirt.
"What.. what am I doing?" I thought to myself.
"How can I.. allow this?" He pulled away for a moment, my hand still pinned to the wall.
"Key.. I wouldn't ever hurt you the way he does. You know that. I did propose to you." he said, words filled with so much emotion, looking into my eyes, the same way he would, before slowly leaning back in. His tongue entered my mouth and I was no longer fighting. He gripped my hand tighter and slid his leg in between mine. I didn't want this to happen, but I - needed - to get over Jonghyun and, maybe, this was the only way to move on. He motioned me from the wall and over to my bed. I fell backwards, with him on top of me. At that very moment, I heard the door knob turning and my heart nearly stopped.
"Kibummie, I'm home!" I heard being boasted in a voice that nearly made me melt and a smile bigger than life itself. There a perfect figure stood, a bouquet of flowers in hand and a box of chocolates. Silence. And then a crash. Everything hit the ground. Flowers and chocolates spilling out alike.
"Jonghyun, it's not what you-" I began, realizing Dongwoon still hadn't moved and was now grinning. I shoved him off of me and continued pleading as I stood myself up.
"It's not what you think!" I asserted. Yet no response was given. His eyes were positioned on the ground and I could barely see them through his fringe. That beautiful smile soon disappeared and I noticed his fits balling at his side; and knew this was going no where desirable. Onew turned the corner of the stairs and saw Jonghyun standing in my doorway. He walked over, completely unaware.
"Jonghyun, is everything okay? What are all of Key's gifts doing on the floor?" he said, appearing at his side. He looked past him and surveyed the room. Onew's normal, unchanged expression became clothed in disappointment and surprise. Still receiving no response from Jonghyun.
"No, it's exactly what you think." Dongwoon entered, still smiling.
"Shut up!" I rejected.
"No, he needs to know how good he had it. How his distance drove you into the arms of another man. How you would call me every night, crying. How many times I drove over here to comfort you while he was gone with his so called 'girlfriend.' Likewise, how many times we went out while he was away, as well. How many times I was the one holding you and not hi-" At that very instant, Jonghyun wasted no time dashing toward Dong and nearly made it -- had Onew not been there. Thankfully, Onew managed to grab him just in time. Even though he struggled to get free of his grip. Onew was mentally prepared for this, I think. My eyes couldn't even move fast enough to catch Jonghyun, yet Onew had enough time to do so and intervene.
"GET OUT." Jonghyun shouted, his voice bellowing throughout the room. I actually jumped at the sound of it. Jonghyun was always, always able to suppress his feelings. I didn't understand why now was any different. Even during the short intermissions we had on Star Golden Ball, I saw a few previews of his and Onew's performance. He looked completely unaffected, just as he did any other time. Yet this Jonghyun.. I was actually frightened and was grateful for Onew's presence now more than ever.
"Fine." Dongwoon said in the most unpleasant tone, sucking his teeth. He took his time passing Jonghyun, still being held by Onew, and when he did, sent him a wink which sent Jonghyun into even more of a frenzy. This time he nearly freed himself from Onew's grip, but Dongwoon was long since gone. As soon as the front door closed and Dongwoon was presumably far enough for safety, Onew released him.
"Jo-" I began, unable to finish. I was cut off by the sound of Jonghyun's fist impaling the wall. After that, he turned and walked out of my room. I hastily started to chase after him, but Onew blocked my path by extending his arm.
"Key. Don't." he said, his otherwise dunce personality completely transforming. This Onew was serious. No one dared cross Onew when he was like this. After all, he was the leader and, despite his playful personality, he was one of the most insightful of us all. We all admired him, and looked up to him more than he would ever know. I trusted his word and nodded my head respectfully. All I could do was watch as Jonghyun raced down the stairs, grabbed his jacket, and made his way out the door.
"Hyung~!" I heard, being shouted as I stood at the top of the stairs, Taemin's adorable voice. The others had finally returned, but his happy aura was soon extinguished by Jonghyun's shove. Taemin nearly fell.
"Jonghyun, are you crazy!?" Minho said, raising his voice. Acquiring no response. Jonghyun continued his pursuit out the door, not uttering a word to anyone. After the door slammed close and things settled, Minho shot his eyes in my location.
He mouthed the words "Are you okay?"
"Yes." I mouthed back. Even though his question was so simple, it meant the world to me. Minho truly was such a great friend and I could tell he really cared for me. My brain leisurely commenced: processing everything that had just occurred. I gasped as I touched my lips gently.
"I.. I.. I'm so sorry." I whispered, unintentionally. I went to speak, but my throat could find no sound.
A/N: Er, yeah.. don't even know what to put here, guys. I REALLY hope you liked it. I worked particularly hard on this chapter and I'm pretty sure it's a lot longer than all the rest so.. enjoy it, please! >< I got off to a rocky beginning because it actually got deleted the first time and I had to re-type the entire thing. So, yeah, sorry if it seems less detailed than the rest of just all around awkward. Also, I APOLOGIZE TO ANY B2UTY's THAT MAY READ THIS. I'm not sure if I really 'captured' Dongwoon's personality or not. I'm sure I wasn't on the mark AT ALL, but I needed another antagonist and he came to mind! So again, sorry if I defiled your poor Dong! D: There's so much more I wanted to say here, but.. I can't think anymore after spending the past 3-5 hours writing so.. forgive me. ._. It will just suffice to say.. STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 4!