Knowing
Another explosion rocks the building and Connor suddenly knows. Something in his gut, in his heart, tells him and he knows it’s time to go in. Abby looks at him and he sees understanding in her eyes; it’s mixed with fear and tenderness and she gives her permission.
Electric smoke, thick and heavy, burns in his throat, pricks at his eyes. He knows he doesn’t have long, neither of them has long. He has to find Cutter now, find him and get him out.
He enters the room and he sees him. Immediately he knows. But he doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to believe, doesn’t want to see that it’s true. If he walks away, if he leaves now, it might not be true…
He rushes forwards, falls to Cutter’s side. Puts his hands on him. Nick sees him, speaks to him;
“Conn. Good man.”
He knows then this is too much for him, he can’t do this alone. He isn’t the man Cutter thinks he is. He tries to help, tries to lift him up. But he does the wrong thing again; always doing the wrong thing. He’s hurt him more. He’s apologising again.
Cutter tells him that it’s okay, but he knows it’s not okay. Nothing here is okay. The smell, the smoke, the blood, the fear; none of it is okay. He just wants to get out, escape, back into the cool fresh air outside.
But Cutter asks him to stay and because Cutter asks he does it. He knows he’ll do anything Cutter asks of him. Always has, always will. So he sits. Knowing his life is changing in front of his eyes. He’s losing him; losing his teacher, his mentor, the man who gave him purpose; made him feel special, worthwhile, important. The man who…
…is talking to him, giving him the artefact, giving him instructions. Telling him impossible things. It can’t be down to him. It can’t be given to him, trusted to him, because he will let him down and it will mean that this is real. He knows that this is real, but please don’t make it be true.
“No. Come on. We can do this together. We’ve always done it together.”
“No, not this time.”
And then Cutter starts to talk of Claudia Brown and he knows that Cutter is gone. That this really is the end. And that it is now all down to him.
He knows he’s going to break. He knows this is too much for him. He knows he can never live up to what Cutter expects from him. Without Cutter he is nothing. He is only what he is because of Cutter.
And now Cutter’s gone. Taken from him. And he doesn’t think he can stand it. He’s never felt this lost, this alone, this small and frightened. He’s breaking from the inside out.
He doesn’t know what to do.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there. Maybe it’s too long; maybe it’s not long enough. But finally he gathers Cutter’s body into his arms along with the precious cargo he has had bestowed upon him, and he starts the longest walk of his short life.
Becker comes towards him, tries to take Cutter from his arms. But he won’t let go, can’t let go, not ready to let go just yet. Together they lower him to the floor. People are shouting, people are crying, he thinks he might be one of them. He hears Lester shout for an ambulance and suddenly it’s all clear, it’s all real and he knows.
He straightens, steps back. Abby and Jenny take his place. He stands apart.
“It’s too late.”
The other’s look to him confused, like they don’t understand, seeking confirmation, and he gives it to them with his eyes because he knows. He knows Cutter is really gone.
The boy that was Connor Temple has gone too. He was left behind in the heat and the flames and the smoke. Cutter took him with him when he died. He is new now. A new Connor Temple for the world to deal with.
He stands tall, not caring about the tears sliding down his face. He knows they will be the first of many. He holds the artefact; it representing so much, more than his head has space to think of right now, but he knows it, he feels it.
“I won’t let you down Professor.”
He will carry on, he will keep Cutter’s work going, keep his memory alive. He will do everything that was asked of him and more. And not just because he asked him, but because Cutter believed he could. Connor will become the man Nick knew he could be.