Pretending
Their main courses appeared shortly and Tosh was grateful of the distraction once again, the silence starting to feel uncomfortable. Ianto smiled at her again as her meal was placed in front of her. She smiled politely back and hoped the food would be worth the discomfort.
She twirled her fork in her tagliatelle, bracing it against a spoon and spearing some of the fish at the same time. After the first bite melted in her mouth, she decided that, yes, this was worth any amount of silence. Then Ianto spoke.
“Owen is a bastard.”
Tosh looked up in surprise, her eyes wide at the unexpected statement.
“Owen is a blind bastard who can’t see a good thing when it’s staring him in the face.” Ianto clarified cutting into his steak with a flourish.
Tosh blushed and looked back to her food, pushing another forkful into her mouth.
“He’s not the only one who’s blind in that place. Most of them can’t see what’s right in front of them.” Ianto continued.
“You mean me too I suppose. Not noticing what was going on with Lisa.” Tosh hazarded a response.
“Yes. But I mean me too. I was so wrapped up in myself I missed what was happening with you these last few days. And I’m sorry for that.”
Tosh looked up at him again. “I’m sorry too.”
“You needn’t be. I did it on purpose. I did hide myself.”
“You seem so different. Here and now, you seem…different. Confident, self assured. Talkative. You’re normally so quiet and sort of...”
“Hidden?” he asked with a trace of a grin
She smiled back. “Yeah.”
“I needed to not be noticed. The easiest way to do that was to make myself indispensable but invisible. It doesn’t take long before people stop noticing you’re there.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I planned it remember? And after….everything, with everyone being so angry it seemed easier to keep it going; keep in the background.”
“So how come you’re being so open with me now?” Tosh’s brow winkled as she quizzed him.
“You’ve been inside my head. You already know now.”
Tosh blushed and hung her head, the reminder of her last couple of days’ intrusion on other people’s lives unwelcome. She stammered to get her answer out.
“No I didn’t, I only…” she paused, realising he didn’t need to know. “I only wore the pendant sometimes. I didn’t hear anything you said.” Her voice took on a quieter tone suddenly.
Ianto looked startled for a second, before composing his face again. He’d only heard that tone once before from Tosh and that was…Oh. Dear.
He took a deep breath.
“It’s better. Most days it’s better, but some days are worse.” He shrugged and sipped his wine. “Today is better.”
Tosh smiled sadly. “I guess I’ll find out soon enough won’t I?”
Ianto gave her a sympathetic smile. “Yeah. S’pose you will. It leaves a hole, a big hole, but Torchwood is pretty all consuming. Most of the time there isn’t room for anything else. And I’m sure something will fill that gap for me soon.”
He gave a small knowing smile that Tosh didn’t understand but decided not to question. There were other things she needed to know.
“You don’t mind that I know? Everyone else hates me.”
“I don’t. You’re…different to the others. And they don’t hate you Tosh, they…well, you surprised them. And you caught them out. They didn’t think anyone knew their little secret. So now they know people will judge them and they have to start judging themselves; they have to face up to feeling guilty for hurting people.”
Tosh’s lip curled into a grimace. “Ugh. We’re back to Owen again aren’t we?”
Ianto laughed. “Yes, we’re back to Owen. But let’s forget him tonight. We’ll forget everyone tonight. Let’s talk about you. You’re quiet too, keep yourself to yourself. But these last few days there’s been a brightness about you. What ever Mary was doing, it certainly suited you.”
Tosh smiled sadly. “That’s more of an act to me. I’m not great with people. I have to work hard at it. It felt nice though.”
“Then let’s swap. For tonight. I’ll stop pretending and be myself, and you start pretending. Be the Tosh that you want to be, that you deserve to be. Let me see some more of her.”
“Really?” And Ianto was rewarded with that shy smile again. “Okay. Let’s. It will be nice not to be myself for a little while.”
“And you never know, if you keep pretending for long enough, maybe it will start to come true. You’ll become the person you’re pretending to be.”
“No.” said Tosh firmly. “No, don’t say that.”
It was Ianto’s turn to look surprised.
“Don’t you keep pretending so long that that is who you’ll turn into. Don’t let Torchwood stop you being you. I’ve only seen this person for a little while and I prefer him already. Don’t let them take it from you.”
Ianto looked at the serious expression on Tosh’s face and nodded, his eyes mirroring the sincerity in hers. Then he picked up his wine glass and raised it to her; smiling she copied him.
“Here’s to us,” he said, “lovers, survivors and being who we want to be-ers!”
Tosh smiled with him as they clinked their glasses before sipping at their drinks.
“So…” said Ianto, a glimpse of mischief in his eyes. “The ladies of Cardiff have to look out for you now too as well as the men eh?”
Tosh played along, flicking her hair behind her shoulder in a showy motion.
“Oh yes, just call me Don Juan Toshiko.”
Ianto snorted inelegantly into his wine causing a fresh peel of giggles from Tosh. The rest of the meal continued in a similar vein, them both finding an easy companionship in the other; one that let them both relax and talk. They teased each other and shared secrets and stories. Tosh started to feel that she was seeing the real Ianto and he started to see how much Toshiko could be.
As the waiter cleared their plates Ianto smiled at Tosh and an impetuous thought came to him. He leant over the table a little, a conspiratorial look on his face.
“Might I suggest that we go back to mine for coffee? I can guarantee that it will be much better than what they serve here.” His smile broadened and his eyes flashed; a startling blue as the candlelight caught them. He brushed her hand on the table top. “I think we can find something better for dessert there too.”
Tosh smiled at him. A real smile.
“Sounds perfect.”
She twirled her fork in her tagliatelle, bracing it against a spoon and spearing some of the fish at the same time. After the first bite melted in her mouth, she decided that, yes, this was worth any amount of silence. Then Ianto spoke.
“Owen is a bastard.”
Tosh looked up in surprise, her eyes wide at the unexpected statement.
“Owen is a blind bastard who can’t see a good thing when it’s staring him in the face.” Ianto clarified cutting into his steak with a flourish.
Tosh blushed and looked back to her food, pushing another forkful into her mouth.
“He’s not the only one who’s blind in that place. Most of them can’t see what’s right in front of them.” Ianto continued.
“You mean me too I suppose. Not noticing what was going on with Lisa.” Tosh hazarded a response.
“Yes. But I mean me too. I was so wrapped up in myself I missed what was happening with you these last few days. And I’m sorry for that.”
Tosh looked up at him again. “I’m sorry too.”
“You needn’t be. I did it on purpose. I did hide myself.”
“You seem so different. Here and now, you seem…different. Confident, self assured. Talkative. You’re normally so quiet and sort of...”
“Hidden?” he asked with a trace of a grin
She smiled back. “Yeah.”
“I needed to not be noticed. The easiest way to do that was to make myself indispensable but invisible. It doesn’t take long before people stop noticing you’re there.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I planned it remember? And after….everything, with everyone being so angry it seemed easier to keep it going; keep in the background.”
“So how come you’re being so open with me now?” Tosh’s brow winkled as she quizzed him.
“You’ve been inside my head. You already know now.”
Tosh blushed and hung her head, the reminder of her last couple of days’ intrusion on other people’s lives unwelcome. She stammered to get her answer out.
“No I didn’t, I only…” she paused, realising he didn’t need to know. “I only wore the pendant sometimes. I didn’t hear anything you said.” Her voice took on a quieter tone suddenly.
Ianto looked startled for a second, before composing his face again. He’d only heard that tone once before from Tosh and that was…Oh. Dear.
He took a deep breath.
“It’s better. Most days it’s better, but some days are worse.” He shrugged and sipped his wine. “Today is better.”
Tosh smiled sadly. “I guess I’ll find out soon enough won’t I?”
Ianto gave her a sympathetic smile. “Yeah. S’pose you will. It leaves a hole, a big hole, but Torchwood is pretty all consuming. Most of the time there isn’t room for anything else. And I’m sure something will fill that gap for me soon.”
He gave a small knowing smile that Tosh didn’t understand but decided not to question. There were other things she needed to know.
“You don’t mind that I know? Everyone else hates me.”
“I don’t. You’re…different to the others. And they don’t hate you Tosh, they…well, you surprised them. And you caught them out. They didn’t think anyone knew their little secret. So now they know people will judge them and they have to start judging themselves; they have to face up to feeling guilty for hurting people.”
Tosh’s lip curled into a grimace. “Ugh. We’re back to Owen again aren’t we?”
Ianto laughed. “Yes, we’re back to Owen. But let’s forget him tonight. We’ll forget everyone tonight. Let’s talk about you. You’re quiet too, keep yourself to yourself. But these last few days there’s been a brightness about you. What ever Mary was doing, it certainly suited you.”
Tosh smiled sadly. “That’s more of an act to me. I’m not great with people. I have to work hard at it. It felt nice though.”
“Then let’s swap. For tonight. I’ll stop pretending and be myself, and you start pretending. Be the Tosh that you want to be, that you deserve to be. Let me see some more of her.”
“Really?” And Ianto was rewarded with that shy smile again. “Okay. Let’s. It will be nice not to be myself for a little while.”
“And you never know, if you keep pretending for long enough, maybe it will start to come true. You’ll become the person you’re pretending to be.”
“No.” said Tosh firmly. “No, don’t say that.”
It was Ianto’s turn to look surprised.
“Don’t you keep pretending so long that that is who you’ll turn into. Don’t let Torchwood stop you being you. I’ve only seen this person for a little while and I prefer him already. Don’t let them take it from you.”
Ianto looked at the serious expression on Tosh’s face and nodded, his eyes mirroring the sincerity in hers. Then he picked up his wine glass and raised it to her; smiling she copied him.
“Here’s to us,” he said, “lovers, survivors and being who we want to be-ers!”
Tosh smiled with him as they clinked their glasses before sipping at their drinks.
“So…” said Ianto, a glimpse of mischief in his eyes. “The ladies of Cardiff have to look out for you now too as well as the men eh?”
Tosh played along, flicking her hair behind her shoulder in a showy motion.
“Oh yes, just call me Don Juan Toshiko.”
Ianto snorted inelegantly into his wine causing a fresh peel of giggles from Tosh. The rest of the meal continued in a similar vein, them both finding an easy companionship in the other; one that let them both relax and talk. They teased each other and shared secrets and stories. Tosh started to feel that she was seeing the real Ianto and he started to see how much Toshiko could be.
As the waiter cleared their plates Ianto smiled at Tosh and an impetuous thought came to him. He leant over the table a little, a conspiratorial look on his face.
“Might I suggest that we go back to mine for coffee? I can guarantee that it will be much better than what they serve here.” His smile broadened and his eyes flashed; a startling blue as the candlelight caught them. He brushed her hand on the table top. “I think we can find something better for dessert there too.”
Tosh smiled at him. A real smile.
“Sounds perfect.”