Long rant. Personal entry. #?
This is going to be a long rant that I'm sorry for starting about but all these things need to come out.
1#: there are some sick fucks in this world. And I'm not even going to censor my words here. Some dickheads with no heart, no reason to be on this planet but to be fucked up. And yes, I am talking about you, I don't even know your real name, nor your real face, but what you've done to my friend has gone too far & it is fucked up.
How could you make a guy fall in love with you, IN LOVE with his entire heart. He cried his eyes out when you told him your mother passed away due to cancer, he visited the fucking hospital for you yet where were you? You just left him there, crying for your mother who at this moment in time has never excisted.
He tried calling you that day, you never picked up.
Days later you tell him your cellphone was lost/broke/whatever & you give him your freakin' address from Antwerp which is fucking far from here gurl & the guy loved you so much, cared so much about your 'broken & lonely' heart that he travelled the all the freakin' way to stupid Antwerp to find out the address you gave him was fake. The place you told him to go to, nothing, no house, no people, NO YOU.
He tried calling you, phone gone, he tries talking to you on the computer, your FB gone, your msn gone, YOU GONE.
HOW FUCKED UP ARE YOU GURL?! To put a good guy through this all, to drag his heart through shit & then just dissapear. You deserve the worst to happen to you & I'll pray for that every day.
2#: I am mentally tired. I cannot stand myself anymore, let stand other people. I've fallen into a black hole & the only way out is to go deeper, or so it feels.
First it was a loss of energy. I would get home from school at 4 after a long day & would be so tired, having slept heavenly the night before, the right hours; everything. I would take a short nap before dinner. 30min/1hour, depending on how tired I really am. I would feel great after, capable of running a marathon so to speak. But at an hour or 8/9 I would break down again and not be able to keep my eyes open.
I thought that was weird, but figured I lacked the right food. I changed my weekly french fries to healthy salads, changed my evening icecreams to grapes. But no, nothing has changed.
And due to the lack of energy, my mental energy is gone too. I break down crying every 2nd day, no reason, I am not sad at all, nothing have made me sad, yet I need to cry. I am mentally not ... I cannot think straight anymore to the point I think about going to my mom and begging her to give me the psych. doctor she has been talking about before.
And not only does this affect me emotionally but also work-wise. Schoolwork, I cannot do it to the point that I am happy with the result. My first grades are probably fails, the schoolday has turned long & painful to get through with while I used to like learning new stuff.
3#: On the other hand, good news also made his way to me. I finished my documents for my exchangeyear, now I just need to wait for the general interview to be done & then I am off to wait for a hostfamily. It all seems so close right now yet sooooo far. In 6/7 months I'll be leaving. It feels so unreal & even slapping myself into reality is not working. People are already saying they'll miss me. But I don't know... I know you will all be fine without me, living without me. I feel that life will just go on without me in it, so 'missing me' are big words to say.
4#: I know, as fangirl you expect me to say something about the JYJ drama, right? Well I will keep this short, because so many fans are splitting up their opinions.
This new event, mafia involved, JYJ knew, activities on a hold. It is just a little bump in the road. Compared to the entire TVXQ suspending their activities, this is nothing.
Yes I know, everything was on the good road now, things seemed fine. But this is how life goes, it throws rocks at you to see how strong you are, how fast you recover & make your way up.
We've come this far, if you give up now then why were you fighting in the first place?
"Nobody said it was going to be easy, only that it would be worth the wait."
And I do hope for them to find happiness & if they decide now that happiness is off the stage and not on it, then be it. They've fought their way up, they've done it, reached their goals. If they decide it has become time to stop, then it is time. I will forever support them, because I made a promise to them & myself, and I am not planning on breaking it.
5#: I guess this is the end of my rant. I am sorry for not posting something personal on my livejournal for so long. I have been bothering you with random memes while this is and will always be my personal journal. So therefore, I will now write here more often, it is great to let go of things here.
I do love you all, each and everyone of you. Stay safe & healthy & strong in these times.
1#: there are some sick fucks in this world. And I'm not even going to censor my words here. Some dickheads with no heart, no reason to be on this planet but to be fucked up. And yes, I am talking about you, I don't even know your real name, nor your real face, but what you've done to my friend has gone too far & it is fucked up.
How could you make a guy fall in love with you, IN LOVE with his entire heart. He cried his eyes out when you told him your mother passed away due to cancer, he visited the fucking hospital for you yet where were you? You just left him there, crying for your mother who at this moment in time has never excisted.
He tried calling you that day, you never picked up.
Days later you tell him your cellphone was lost/broke/whatever & you give him your freakin' address from Antwerp which is fucking far from here gurl & the guy loved you so much, cared so much about your 'broken & lonely' heart that he travelled the all the freakin' way to stupid Antwerp to find out the address you gave him was fake. The place you told him to go to, nothing, no house, no people, NO YOU.
He tried calling you, phone gone, he tries talking to you on the computer, your FB gone, your msn gone, YOU GONE.
HOW FUCKED UP ARE YOU GURL?! To put a good guy through this all, to drag his heart through shit & then just dissapear. You deserve the worst to happen to you & I'll pray for that every day.
2#: I am mentally tired. I cannot stand myself anymore, let stand other people. I've fallen into a black hole & the only way out is to go deeper, or so it feels.
First it was a loss of energy. I would get home from school at 4 after a long day & would be so tired, having slept heavenly the night before, the right hours; everything. I would take a short nap before dinner. 30min/1hour, depending on how tired I really am. I would feel great after, capable of running a marathon so to speak. But at an hour or 8/9 I would break down again and not be able to keep my eyes open.
I thought that was weird, but figured I lacked the right food. I changed my weekly french fries to healthy salads, changed my evening icecreams to grapes. But no, nothing has changed.
And due to the lack of energy, my mental energy is gone too. I break down crying every 2nd day, no reason, I am not sad at all, nothing have made me sad, yet I need to cry. I am mentally not ... I cannot think straight anymore to the point I think about going to my mom and begging her to give me the psych. doctor she has been talking about before.
And not only does this affect me emotionally but also work-wise. Schoolwork, I cannot do it to the point that I am happy with the result. My first grades are probably fails, the schoolday has turned long & painful to get through with while I used to like learning new stuff.
3#: On the other hand, good news also made his way to me. I finished my documents for my exchangeyear, now I just need to wait for the general interview to be done & then I am off to wait for a hostfamily. It all seems so close right now yet sooooo far. In 6/7 months I'll be leaving. It feels so unreal & even slapping myself into reality is not working. People are already saying they'll miss me. But I don't know... I know you will all be fine without me, living without me. I feel that life will just go on without me in it, so 'missing me' are big words to say.
4#: I know, as fangirl you expect me to say something about the JYJ drama, right? Well I will keep this short, because so many fans are splitting up their opinions.
This new event, mafia involved, JYJ knew, activities on a hold. It is just a little bump in the road. Compared to the entire TVXQ suspending their activities, this is nothing.
Yes I know, everything was on the good road now, things seemed fine. But this is how life goes, it throws rocks at you to see how strong you are, how fast you recover & make your way up.
We've come this far, if you give up now then why were you fighting in the first place?
"Nobody said it was going to be easy, only that it would be worth the wait."
And I do hope for them to find happiness & if they decide now that happiness is off the stage and not on it, then be it. They've fought their way up, they've done it, reached their goals. If they decide it has become time to stop, then it is time. I will forever support them, because I made a promise to them & myself, and I am not planning on breaking it.
5#: I guess this is the end of my rant. I am sorry for not posting something personal on my livejournal for so long. I have been bothering you with random memes while this is and will always be my personal journal. So therefore, I will now write here more often, it is great to let go of things here.
I do love you all, each and everyone of you. Stay safe & healthy & strong in these times.