thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box

[jordan_mcevans]

It was nice to get some sleep finally, thanks to Jenny. Didn't exactly appreciate the whole jumping on me part, but I know she means well. I've made progress, such as getting up and eating food. Jen tried to push me to a movie but I couldn't. Somehow sitting in a dark theater watching boring pictures is just going to get me thinking again, which I'

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[stefan_d]

Okay, time to bite the bullet. I've been puttin' this off, but I should just get it over with. I've been avoidin' Jordan long enough.

Had to look him up in the phonebook to find out his address. I figure he's prob'ly moping at home like I've been doin' a lot of lately. Sighing under my breath, I ring the bell.

[jenny_mcevans]

He's not going to answer the door, I know that much. I don't exactly know who it would be, no one knows or cares where I live, and Taffy's not exactly around to physically ring the bell. Getting up from the couch, I open the door to find a good looking guy around Jor's age standing there looking pretty uncomfortable. "Hey. Um...can I help you?"

[stefan_d]

"Hi," I say, tryin' to look like an adult and not a kid who got detention or somethin'. "Is, uh, Jordan here?"

[jenny_mcevans]

Looks like mopey boy's got a visitor. "Yeah, he's hiding in his room. Come on in." I say smiling, holding open the door for him to step inside. I think I've seen him at school, maybe with the construction crew. Girls are always talking about him and my brother, I find it really annoying. Not that he's devastatingly ugly or anything. Er, at all. "Lemme go get 'em."

Walking across the living room and right into his room, I decide not to jump on him this time. Thinking for a second maybe he's sleeping, I lightly rock his shoulder back and forth, but then I see his open eyes. "Hot guy's here for you." I say, grinning.

[stefan_d]

"Dude, I wasn't expectin' you to be out partyin'," I say, working hard to keep the bite out of my own voice. "But you can't stay in bed all the time. You'll make yourself sick, and what good'll that do?" I sigh. "Why don't ya sit down? I didn't bring my brass knuckles or anything."

If he doesn't sit down, I'm worried he'll fall down. He looks that bad.

[jordan_mcevans]

I nod, staggering over to the couch and sitting down. Sighing, I lean back and close my eyes for a second before pulling them back open. No brass knuckles are always a plus. "I thought you'd be more concerned with beating my face in than my actual health." I tell him with a small smirk. After a minute, it fades and my voice is quieter. "I fucked up, Stef. Badly. And I'm sorry. I understand if it's not enough. We had a deal after all."

[stefan_d]

"Okay, yeah, I was pissed as hell at first," I say. Obviously. I can't stay mad at him. "I know you didn't do it deliberately, but yeah. We got problems now." Like he doesn't know that already.

I turn sideways and put one foot up on the cushion to rest my arms on, cushions be damned.

[jordan_mcevans]

More than problems. I lean forward and put my hands in my lap, wringing them together. "What do you suggest we do?"

[stefan_d]

A little surprised, I look at him and then glance down. "I'm, uh... okay. Ya know."

The air is heavy with everything I can't say: I want Taffy back but I don't want Maddie to go. All this shit has made me think about how I've got nothin' in my life... no one, that is. I want something to work out right for one fucking time in life. I shrug, not having the words to air any of that without it soundin' like whining.

[jordan_mcevans]

What'd I expect? A big 'let's share our feelings' fest? So I sit there and nod, not trying to get much more out of him. I'm trying very hard to stay upright and concious, and it's kind of half working. He's right, doing this to myself isn't exactly solving anything. I just don't know what else to do.

[stefan_d]

"Listen," I say finally, lookin' back up at him. "I know it ain't the easiest thing to do... but you gotta pull yourself together a little, okay?" I sigh, not sure if this is the right thing to say, but I gotta try to do something. "We did what we did, and there's not any takin' it back. Taf knows about it, and there's not any takin' that back now, either. So we gotta try to move on from there."

[jordan_mcevans]

Move on. Not so sure that's doable anymore. Not till I know what's gonna happen, what she's going to do. "Pull myself together." I reply, in more of a whisper. He's right. It's not easy. Every moment I lie down I think about getting back up and taking control of the situation. But then realization hits, and it's back to withering away. No, not easy at all.

[stefan_d]

"He was her protected," I say. "Kind of weird that you'd dream about that, huh?" Or maybe it's not so weird. I find myself wonderin' where Jordan fits into this whole thing. This all kinda makes my head hurt, but I push it aside. He seems a little better, so I'll just focus on that.

[jordan_mcevans]

"Yeah, I guess it was weird." Though now with all the weird Sunnydale stuff I've witnessed, it doesn't seem so bad. It's kind of nice having a whole conversation with somebody. I'm glad he stopped by, otherwise I wouldn't of gotten up for awhile.

[stefan_d]

"Okay." Back on topic. I point a finger at him, pistol-style, and snap my thumb down. Boom. "So what we're gonna do is, we're just gonna be calm, keep our acts together, and when Taf comes back, we're gonna do our best to convince her we love her and hope she'll forgive us."

Huh, that sounded weird; almost like he and I are some kinda package set. "Love her in different ways, that is," I clarify.

[jordan_mcevans]

That gets a smirk out of me. "Different ways, yeah. At least I would hope so." I raise an eyebrow at him in a mocking sort of way and grin. "But yeah, the first part sounds like a plan. Be calm, keep my act together. Doable." My voice sounds a bit skeptical but I know I'm going to at least try.