Snotty Pillow
Snotty Pillow is intended to be read as a comic strip. Each strip has four panels, all of them completely black except for the dialogue. The two characters are Lydia and Derf.
1 D: Am I self-centered? L: Yes. 2 L: In fact you're probably not paying attention to what I'm saying right now. Ever since you asked the question, you've been absorbed with thinking about how you would answer it. 3 D: I don't think I'm self-centered. I'm always thinking about other people's feelings. 4 L: That would be love, mixed with a touch of pity. In case you were wondering. D: I'm feeling a bit depressed. 1 D: I wish I was dead. 2 D: My friends all say I'm fun to be around and I have a good sense of humor. They just don't get it. Those things aren't really important when you stop and think about it. 3 D: What really matters is that I'm a shallow, conceited, self-obsessed, fragile, blood-sucking psychic parasite. 4 D: I don't mean to imply that I'm actually psychic. Also I think grammatically the right thing to say is "I wish I were dead." L: The soliloquy draws a 0.4 from the Australian judge. 1 D: What are you most afraid of? L: Losing you, probably. Why, what are you afraid of? 2 D: I'm terrified that the remaining four people on earth that don't realize what a loser I am will suddenly have the scales lifted from their eyes and I'll be left all alone with nothing to deny my crushing loserness. 3 D: On the second tier, I'm positively petrified by sex. L: Could be worse. Petrified is good. 4 D: And in a seven-way tie for third, it's public speaking, death, my parents, flying, gum disease, nuclear apocalypse, and clowns. L: This is why I love you. 1 D: Lydia, are you awake? I think I need to be reassured. L: Yeah? What about? 2 D: Everything. L: Okay. Everything is fine, Derf. 3 D: How do you know? Something could be going horribly wrong right this moment and we would never know. Right now somebody could be deciding not to invite us to a party because I'm such a dork. 4 D: Not that I blame them. I did throw up in their potted plant last time. What are those things called, again? L: Aloe. 1 D: I hate my life. L: Why's that? 2 D: Every night I cry, and my pillow gets all wet with tears and snot. I hate that. Also it gets in my hair. 3 L: You could try Kleenex. Or handkerchiefs. D: Too much trouble. Anyway, that's like treating the symptoms and not the disease. The real solution is not to cry all the time. 4 L: But as long as you hate your life... D: Exactly. It's an endless downward spiral of snot and self-loathing. 1 D: What if love fails? L: I'm sorry? 2 D: I mean, what if the world decides that being with someone is just too painful, and we all dissolve into a quivering dust of miserable individuals, too stung to risk talking to one another? 3 (blank) 4 L: Um, I guess I'd have to invest heavily in Ben & Jerry's stock. In that truly, truly absurd scenario. D: But is it really so absurd? 1 D: What do you hate the most about me? L: How cute and cuddly you are. 2 D: I'll enumerate some of my despicable traits that you might want to consider before answering. I'm depressed all the time. I'm neurotic. I'm often paralyzed with fear and self-doubt. And I have no self-control whatsoever. L: Your sweet smile. 3 D: I'm in a dead-end job that I constantly gripe about, but I never do anything about it. L: The way you linger just a bit on my upper lip when you finish kissing me, and how it makes my toes tingle. 4 D: I put silverware in the dishwasher wrong-side-up. I never plan trips in advance, so we're always... I'm sorry, what did you say? L: Hush, you dork. 1 D: I'm depressed. L: But you're not depressed about anything in particular, just depressed in general. 2 D: But I'm not depressed about anything in particular, just depressed in general. L: I don't think you're predictable. 3 D: I'm beginning to feel like I'm just too predictable. L: For example, the next thing you say is bound to be something I never would have seen coming. 4 D: Like the heat death of the universe. L: Love is in full bloom.