After The Blues (1/3)
Yes, it is the sequal to Blue Veins. Hold your hearts.
Warning: Language. Mild violence. Graphic sexual descriptions. You've been warned.
After The Blues - A Year Later (2008)
Jessica hears Tiffany taking slow breaths. Jessica feels Tiffany’s hand sliding up and down on her arm. The both of them, naked and relaxed, watching dusts dance in the light shining through the window. Jessica isn’t sure if she will ever get used to this. The kind of peacefulness where there isn’t a time limit to it. Where Jessica doesn’t face the inevitable that comes in the morning. Where Tiffany would leave a war in Jessica. A war of to not love or to love Tiffany.
Hell, she’ll never get used to Tiffany at all. Even in Tiffany’s arms, she swears that she feels such a high being this close to Tiffany. But that doesn’t mean Jessica isn’t wary of what this means for them now. They have not met for months… a year, she realised. It has been almost a week since they met at the concert.
And not one day that they would discuss of what they are or where they stand. All they did the past few days was kiss, fuck, sleep, eat, eat food, and stay in bed the whole day. A whole year of withdrawal, and this is the result; an overdose.
Jessica steals a brief glance at Tiffany, and then places a kiss in the crook of Tiffany’s neck. “I love you.” She says under her breath. Her eyes are then averted to the marks on Tiffany’s arm. The marks are almost gone but are still visible, left as scars on skin, a reminder of what Tiffany did. “Tiffany..”
“Hmm?” Tiffany looks at her. The way Tiffany looks at Jessica, she feels the grip on her heart. But something about Tiffany’s eyes says something else that Jessica’s not entirely aware of. Jessica shakes off the thought.
She is too busy being overwhelmed at how desirable Tiffany looked. The way she did when she was in Tiffany’s apartment for the first time. She sits up, dislodging herself from Tiffany, and takes in the length of Tiffany’s bare body after pulling down the duvet. She could see the tiny refined hairs on Tiffany’s body rises up as the cool air touches the skin.
“Jessica?” Tiffany’s hand reaches for Jessica’s cheek, softly caressing her.
“Tiffany. What are we doing?” Jessica asks vaguely, closing her eyes in accordance to Tiffany’s touch. There have been too many unsaid words last year. She isn’t going to waste any more time by beating around the bush. Jessica opens her eyes, and then positions herself on Tiffany, sitting where the hipbones jut out. She bends down to leave a trail of wet kisses on Tiffany’s chest.
“Wh-what?” Tiffany tries to maintain focus but fails as she loses herself in Jessica’s sudden lust. Heat shooting in between her thighs. “What are we doing?” Her mind is at lost at Jessica’s vague question. Jessica shuts Tiffany’s mouth with the urgency of her kisses. Jessica’s freehand runs down the smooth expanse of Tiffany’s abdomen, and reaches the inside of Tiffany’s thighs.
“What are we?” Jessica abruptly stops all her movements, earning a low groan from Tiffany. She stares at her intently. After a second, not waiting patiently for answer, she slides her hand along the wet folds of Tiffany.
Tiffany’s body reacted involuntarily, wanting and needing more pressurised contact. It hasn’t been two hours since they last had sex.
“Answer me.” Jessica threatens jokingly against Tiffany’s moist numbed lips. Tiffany’s nails dig into the back of Jessica’s body. Her heart racing at a faster pace, her mind reeling at the long five seconds of nothing. Without a second later, Jessica complies with Tiffany pleas and slides in a finger into her. Both of them, minutes later, are coated with sweat and sex. Room fills with thick air and tension.
“Fuh-fuck.” Tiffany pants into Jessica’s ear, her body connects to Jessica’s as if any distance would vanquish the intoxication and the high she is about to reach. God. Jessica prolongs it by slowing down, and then going full on force, playing with her, edging her. “Jessica. Please.” Her eyes screws shut, tear stinging in the corners. The tightness in her chest and abdomen grows.
“Fucking answer me, Tiffany.” Jessica whispers harshly in brash tone before biting into Tiffany’s skin below the ear, and down to the shoulder. She knows it must hurt, but a year of lost contact and the hurt Tiffany left, she doesn't care in this moment. She continues by inserting another two fingers. Tiffany whimpers and holds Jessica tightly. This is new. Jessica isn’t always like this. Or has she ever been this way? Or is it only coming out now?
“Jessica, it hurts.” But it doesn’t stop Tiffany rocking against Jessica. It doesn’t stop her from reaching what she desperately wants. The pain turns to an unbearable high of lust. Jessica wants to fuck her so bad to the point, unknowingly, fuck her over. She wants to fucking push Tiffany into a ditch for hurting her and scream at her. At the same time, she wants all this skin, the intensity of their kisses, and the short bursts of breath of Tiffany’s when they fuck and after they fuck. She wants to consume Tiffany whole as much as she wants Tiffany to do the same to her.
Because she fucking loves her so much. She’ll ruin her life again for her. It isn’t healthy, she knows. Even from the start of their ‘relationship’ last year. It isn’t right to let Tiffany fuck with her mind and her body so easily. It isn’t right to let Tiffany do whatever as she wishes with Yoona and not consider Jessica’s feelings and Yoona’s, ofcourse. Their relationship is far from healthy. She knows this. But like Tiffany, it doesn’t stop Jessica from wanting desperately something. And that is, Tiffany. With her black hair and dark eyes that look so black under a different light. With a stupid tattoo at the back of her body. With a crooked smile, dirty habits, and an avid fucker of a girl. All that dark addictive allure where all the fathers and mothers hope to God that their daughter would never meet her.
She has loved her at her worst. She thinks. It must be Tiffany’s worst. But she just thinks. That is what she is afraid of. Is there a much worse version of Tiffany? Is it the same for Jessica as well?
Hair in Tiffany’s face. Arch in Tiffany’s body. Feeling the release coursing through her body. Tiffany is out of breath. As if she is finally surfacing after being in the waters for minutes. Resting back down the bed, Jessica lies beside Tiffany and watches the rise and fall of Tiffany’s bare chest. She kisses the side of Tiffany’s breast, the skin above her navel, and then downwards. Tiffany holds an ardent gaze on Jessica who is going down on her.
Tiffany breathes in air and holds it. “Jessica..” Tiffany bites her lower lip and grips the sheets at her sides. She is surprised at Jessica’s energy. All of that thinking disappears when she could feel Jessica’s hot breath touching her inner thighs. Something so minor like that could send another wave of haziness to Tiffany’s brain, and wetness. She is tired. “Jessica, I think we shou..should..”
“We’ll stop when you answer me.” Jessica says and then kisses the skin leading to Tiffany’s throbbing center.
Then, all of a sudden, the cloudiness in Tiffany’s head snaps into clear when the doorbell rang.
“Fuck.” Jessica grunts at the interruption. “Who the fuck..” Tiffany sits up in frustration, and grabs the shirt from the floor. Standing up, she puts on Jessica’s shorts and answers the door while Jessica lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Her hand massaging her temple.
She hears low voices. A male voice. Rather serious sounding. She notices a hint of anxiety in Tiffany’s voice. She could hear the constant ‘fuck’ in between words.
Out of curiosity, Jessica walks out of the bedroom and to where Tiffany is standing. She peeks around Tiffany to see who it is. Tiffany quickly realizes Jessica is behind her so she closes in the space to prevent the latter from seeing. “Ok. Ok. Leave.” Tiffany says in a rush to the guy who Jessica previously had a fleeting chance to see how he looks like.
Tiffany shuts the door behind her and rests against it. Her eyebrows are knitted together in full irritation and desperation. She has her eyes on the floor, unwilling to look at Jessica.
“Who was that?” Jessica asks, genuinely curious. But for some reason, she feels a certain weight on her chest starting to form. “Tiffany?” Maybe it is the coldness that is getting to her, considering she is naked. She feels the sudden need to hug herself. Vulnerable. Fragile. Waiting for the world to scratch her insecurities out for people to see. She shouldn’t be feeling like this, right now, in front of Tiffany.
Seeing this, Tiffany pulls her into a hug and says, “Nothing.” She kisses Jessica’s neck. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” She says in an assuring manner. Unfortunately, Jessica isn’t all that convinced.
“How could it be, even before I begin something,
I get into a tangled mess, just like the knots in your hair.”
- Wake Up, Zico
Next day, afternoon
For the past few hours, there have been phone call rings, unanswered and all shut by Tiffany. Tiffany says it’s nothing whereas Jessica knows something is up. The phone is ringing again, and it is beginning to annoy Jessica. She pads across to reach for it but is quickly blocked by Tiffany.
“I said let it be.”
“What is it, Tiffany?” Jessica crosses her arm. Her eyes searching in the dark pools of Tiffany’s eyes. There is definitely something. The emptiness Jessica usually finds is not there. So there must be something. “What is that you’re not telling me?” There is an edge to her tone.
The phone call continues to ring. “I told you, it’s nothing.”
“If it’s nothing, then answer the fucking phone.”
“It’s probably a mistake. Like the last time when this woman kept calling for some Chinese order.” Tiffany chuckles at the remembrance, hoping that they’ll drop this subject. Jessica could see right through her. She isn’t having any of this so she presses on.
“Tiffany.” She says in a stern voice. “Who was it? Don’t be a fucking dick and tell me.”
Finally, Tiffany regards Jessica seriously. There is a rise in tension in the air. Tiffany swallows. The tables have turn. The stare Jessica is giving, has managed to stir something inside Tiffany. Tiffany couldn’t properly look at Jessica in the eye.
“You’ve changed.” Tiffany mumbles. She fiddles with her fingers, suddenly interested in them.
“What did you say?” Jessica’s eyes widens a little. She couldn’t believe this.
“Nothing.”
“Just say it.”
“I said it’s nothing.” Tiffany looks at her, frustration building up between them.
“Stop saying nothing. It’s fucking not nothing. Don’t be a fucking arse and just say it.” Jessica yells, to her own surprise. She couldn’t hold it in. It has been a year. One fucking year to learn to not just stand by and just watching something go away.
Tiffany sighs and looks away, unable to look at Jessica. “I said that you’ve changed.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jessica doesn’t expect to Tiffany answer. Because whatever Tiffany has to say after that wouldn’t be satisfactory. Like the many times before in the past. “So what? You’ve changed. I’ve changed. I learned to not be a fucking pussy anymore. You think I would stay the fucking same after you just disappeared without leaving calls or messages? Do you think I would not move on and not change because you weren’t there to come by at night and fuck me up? The world doesn’t revolve around you, Tiffany.” She spits her words angrily, unaware where all of them came from. Blood rushing through her veins and to her brain. Her heart racing against this argument.
In that moment, she fucking hates Tiffany for what all the girl did to her.
“You think it was easy for me?” Tiffany glares at her, looking at her finally. Her voice in disbelief at Jessica’s sudden rage. “You think I leave intentionally to just hurt you? I was lost, Jessica. I used drugs. You were a drug. You were a fucking drug that I can’t stop using. I -"
“So I’m just a tool for you to use?” Jessica picks up at Tiffany’s choice of words, incredulous.
Tiffany shakes her head quickly, takes a step forward to Jessica but the latter moves backward. “No, that’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?” Jessica replies harshly.
“I mean that I love you too much to not want you to see me fall. I need to pick myself up. I need to prove it to myself that I can better myself.”
“So I was just another anchor that was holding you down?”
“NO! For fuck’s sake, Jessica.” Tiffany huffs. Desperation is shown through her eyes. “It doesn’t matter now. We’re here now. And I love you.”
“What exactly are we, Tiffany? And if you love me, then tell me what you are hiding.” Jessica calms down a little. But it doesn’t stop her from being overly cautious.
“Someone I owe money or some shit deal to.” Tiffany mumbles. But Jessica hears her.
“For what?” Jessica thinks she knows the answers but something in her brain wouldn’t let her tap into what it really is.
“It’s nothing serious.. some debt.” Tiffany’s stare falters. Jessica notices the jittering in Tiffany’s hands.
“Just fucking tell me straight up. I’m not a little girl.”
“Drugs. Jessica. Drugs.” Tiffany confesses. “Jesus.” She says under her breath.
There, the secrets are out for Jessica to process in all the ridiculous and fucked up thing Tiffany just said. She’s rendered speechless. Few beats of silence has passed.
Tiffany speaks again in a shaky voice. “I mean, I owed them. I didn’t have much money in me. I quit uni. I needed money.” She runs her hand through her hair.
Now, it is Jessica’s turn to not be able to look at Tiffany. She walks to sofa and sits, afraid that she might fall under this newfound knowledge about Tiffany.
“And the only way was that I deal.. I mean, helped to pay off.. I had a few setbacks.. which then increased my debt..” Tiffany’s voice tapers off.
Jessica notices Tiffany’s effort in trying to justify her actions. But she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t want to. “I can’t believe this.” Jessica’s voice full of disbelief and shock. “I can’t believe this.”
“Jessica, I..” Tiffany bends down at her knees to be in the same eye level as Jessica’s. She reaches her hand out to Jessica’s knees. But Jessica scoots away from Tiffany as if she's disgusted with Tiffany’s hands.
“Stop. Don’t fucking touch me,” Jessica closes her eyes, hoping that this is all a nightmare. “I thought you were clean.”
“I am clean.” Tiffany tries to assure her. “I am. I swear. I just have some problems. You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand.” Jessica stands up from the sofa. Tears threatened to fall. Her hands tremble. “You were stupid for using. You’re even more stupid for dealing with shit like this.”
Tiffany follows her but then was stopped when Jessica glared at her. “Leave me alone. Please.”
She isn’t going to let Tiffany’s eyes affect on what she thinks about this. She isn’t going to revisit last year. She isn’t going to be that aloof girl who just falters under Tiffany’s gaze, under Tiffany’s words and touches. She has changed. She isn’t going to waste the change just because of someone.
There will be no more of ‘like always’ and easy forgiveness. One thing that hasn’t change is the pain that Tiffany continues to give. The pain in her chest is still the same as last years. Maybe even more now.
Who the fuck knows?
The want. The need. Are still there. But Jessica knows better now to not let Tiffany get to her so easily. She shuts herself in the bathroom and locks the door. Her body slides down against the door and sits on the cold floor.
Without another second, tears fall. No sign of them stopping. There is a knock on the door. There is another hit to her head. Words scream, “I am so stupid.” Tiffany has, once again, manages to make her cry. Her legs fold up, the knees tuck under her chin. She holds her legs for comfort, afraid if she lets go, everything will fall apart.
Tiffany did change, indeed. Just that, Jessica is stupid for thinking that Tiffany might change for the better. All you see on the net about Tiffany are not to be trusted one hundred percent. All you see on Tiffany is a fucking lie. All your dreams and hopes will be burned just by a touch of hers. Jessica has possibly known this for a long time.
But it is only now that she doesn’t deny about it. Tiffany’s a disaster that is about to happen all over again. She is a mistake that never learns from the past. As much as she against Tiffany’s stupidity, deep inside of her, pathetically, tries to understand it.
Why?
Because, well, she loves the girl. Simple as that. As fucked up as it sounds like. She still cares. The girl is a mess, a lost person at sea. Even if whatever they have now do not last, Jessica would always have this space for Tiffany to occupy. If it ever comes to that, she promises to herself she’ll never knock on that door and visit that space. But it is what it is. Tiffany has taken a piece of Jessica with her.
The crying is reduced. Salt water still tainted her flushed cheeks. She needs to clear her head so she takes a shower after discarding her clothes. Hot water runs down her face, down her body. The heat is too much for skin but she didn’t care. Steam quickly fogs the mirrors. She isn’t sure if she is still crying. But whatever she went through few minutes ago has been forgotten.
The only escape from Tiffany is the bathroom and a long hot shower. Then she realizes, this is Tiffany’s bathroom. She curses mentally. She is surrounded by Tiffany’s towels and toiletries and shit. She is surrounded by her walls. The walls she builds herself as a defense mechanism has no fight with Tiffany’s claws. Everywhere, everything, is Tiffany.
She hears the unlocking of the door, the footsteps nearing her. Tiffany gets into the shower. But Jessica’s back is facing her.
“Jessica, please look at me.” Tiffany speaks carefully. Jessica turns to look at her but not completely seeing her. She holds her heart dearly for whatever Tiffany has to say. The clothes on Tiffany are now soaked. She feels more naked than before. Is her heart out?
“Fuck you, Tiffany. You’re a fucked up, you know that?”
“I know.” Tiffany looks down at her now wet feet. “I’m a fucked up.”
“I hate you. I fucking hate you so much.” It is true. What Jessica feels right now in this moment is just pure hatred for the girl infront of her. The girl who is stupidly wet and dumb to even try to explain the completely fucked thing she’s in.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says in a low voice. “You have every right to hate me.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t try to win me over with empty words.” Disgust fills Jessica’s head. She turns to face the hard wall. She places her hand against the tiles for support. Head down, under the shower head. Then she cries, she thinks. She could taste the salt on her tongue.
Tiffany takes a step closer, takes her clothes off, and slides her arm around Jessica’s waist. Jessica struggles to get away but there is no space for her to go about.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says, repeating the same words. Different effects on Jessica. She’s faltering a little. The person she hates more than Tiffany currently, is herself.
“I hate-e you. Fucking hate you.” Jessica’s sobbing now. Uncontrollably. She can’t hold herself so she lets Tiffany hold her. And she hates this. She hates Tiffany. She hates how their bodies fit with each other. She hates how fucking easy for Tiffany to just have her. She hates how she is still hopelessly in love with her.
Jessica faces Tiffany and shoves her to the wall behind. Tiffany stumbles backwards and almost fell down due to the slippery floor. The back of head must have hit against the wall, and it makes a loud thud. “Fuck.” Tiffany curses, feeling the pain shooting up her head. “Jessica, I’m sorry.”
But Jessica doesn’t take it or kisses the sorry with forgiveness. Instead, she slaps Tiffany across the right cheek, leaving a red mark. Tiffany acts as if it doesn’t hurt, and she pulls Jessica into her arms, and holding Jessica forcefully when Jessica struggles. The sobbing continues and reduces Jessica’s attempts to escape. Her head falls onto Tiffany’s shoulder.
“Jessica, stop. You’ll hurt yourself.”
I already am.
And this makes her cry more. Tiffany grabs Jessica’s face, looking at her in the eyes. Tiffany’s eyes are full of sorry, sadness, and love. Jessica identifies it as care. She couldn’t help but be softened by Tiffany’s eyes. She lets herself feel. She is tired of fighting for what her heart is trying to do.
The pools of Tiffany’s eyes are no longer as dark as before, instead they are soft dark brown ones. Jessica’s gaze travels from the blood on Tiffany’s forehead, down to her eyes, her nose, and then to her lips.
Jessica’s mouth meet Tiffany’s. They kiss slowly. Jessica nibbles on Tiffany’s lips. Her eyes are forced shut. Alongside her mind. She bites on Tiffany’s lower lip, and Tiffany lets out a low whimper. She tastes Tiffany’s blood on her tongue.
She desperately wishes all the hurt, the hesitation, the nightmare, to disappear or to be forgotten even for just a moment. Their kisses grow into an urgency of make outs and with such intensity to the point where Tiffany’s back meet the wall again.
Tiffany plants soft kisses on Jessica’s forehead, under her eyes where the tears had been, and then back to her mouth. She slides her tongue along Jessica’s lips. Jessica pulls back from Tiffany.
Her eyes running down on Tiffany's body. Something in Jessica’s eyes has sent a sense of confusion and surprise into Tiffany. Tiffany hasn’t quite seen her like this before. In the corner, Jessica pushes Tiffany against it and begins to suck, bite, nibble on Tiffany’s neck. Her free hand massaging Tiffany’s breast.
Tiffany’s head falls back into the corner where the walls meet, ignoring the sudden pain of having her head crushed in between. Jessica leaves a trail of wet tongue down the length of Tiffany’s body. “I’m so sorry, Jessica. For leaving. For.. everything.” Her voice comes out hoarse.
Jessica hears the vulnerability and the sincere honesty in Tiffany’s tone. She almost forgives. She almost. Still, she aches just hearing Tiffany’s words. She wishes she could just forgive. But it’s hard. It’s hard.
Real hard.
If this is already hard, then how will it be when she falls from Tiffany’s grip? She knows she will. And yet here she is, her tongue in Tiffany. Groan after groan. Sorry after sorry. A greater pain after pain.
When will it stop?
“You can watch me bleed,
settle your belief inside of me”
- Bleed, Smashing Pumpkins
Warning: Language. Mild violence. Graphic sexual descriptions. You've been warned.
After The Blues - A Year Later (2008)
Jessica hears Tiffany taking slow breaths. Jessica feels Tiffany’s hand sliding up and down on her arm. The both of them, naked and relaxed, watching dusts dance in the light shining through the window. Jessica isn’t sure if she will ever get used to this. The kind of peacefulness where there isn’t a time limit to it. Where Jessica doesn’t face the inevitable that comes in the morning. Where Tiffany would leave a war in Jessica. A war of to not love or to love Tiffany.
Hell, she’ll never get used to Tiffany at all. Even in Tiffany’s arms, she swears that she feels such a high being this close to Tiffany. But that doesn’t mean Jessica isn’t wary of what this means for them now. They have not met for months… a year, she realised. It has been almost a week since they met at the concert.
And not one day that they would discuss of what they are or where they stand. All they did the past few days was kiss, fuck, sleep, eat, eat food, and stay in bed the whole day. A whole year of withdrawal, and this is the result; an overdose.
Jessica steals a brief glance at Tiffany, and then places a kiss in the crook of Tiffany’s neck. “I love you.” She says under her breath. Her eyes are then averted to the marks on Tiffany’s arm. The marks are almost gone but are still visible, left as scars on skin, a reminder of what Tiffany did. “Tiffany..”
“Hmm?” Tiffany looks at her. The way Tiffany looks at Jessica, she feels the grip on her heart. But something about Tiffany’s eyes says something else that Jessica’s not entirely aware of. Jessica shakes off the thought.
She is too busy being overwhelmed at how desirable Tiffany looked. The way she did when she was in Tiffany’s apartment for the first time. She sits up, dislodging herself from Tiffany, and takes in the length of Tiffany’s bare body after pulling down the duvet. She could see the tiny refined hairs on Tiffany’s body rises up as the cool air touches the skin.
“Jessica?” Tiffany’s hand reaches for Jessica’s cheek, softly caressing her.
“Tiffany. What are we doing?” Jessica asks vaguely, closing her eyes in accordance to Tiffany’s touch. There have been too many unsaid words last year. She isn’t going to waste any more time by beating around the bush. Jessica opens her eyes, and then positions herself on Tiffany, sitting where the hipbones jut out. She bends down to leave a trail of wet kisses on Tiffany’s chest.
“Wh-what?” Tiffany tries to maintain focus but fails as she loses herself in Jessica’s sudden lust. Heat shooting in between her thighs. “What are we doing?” Her mind is at lost at Jessica’s vague question. Jessica shuts Tiffany’s mouth with the urgency of her kisses. Jessica’s freehand runs down the smooth expanse of Tiffany’s abdomen, and reaches the inside of Tiffany’s thighs.
“What are we?” Jessica abruptly stops all her movements, earning a low groan from Tiffany. She stares at her intently. After a second, not waiting patiently for answer, she slides her hand along the wet folds of Tiffany.
Tiffany’s body reacted involuntarily, wanting and needing more pressurised contact. It hasn’t been two hours since they last had sex.
“Answer me.” Jessica threatens jokingly against Tiffany’s moist numbed lips. Tiffany’s nails dig into the back of Jessica’s body. Her heart racing at a faster pace, her mind reeling at the long five seconds of nothing. Without a second later, Jessica complies with Tiffany pleas and slides in a finger into her. Both of them, minutes later, are coated with sweat and sex. Room fills with thick air and tension.
“Fuh-fuck.” Tiffany pants into Jessica’s ear, her body connects to Jessica’s as if any distance would vanquish the intoxication and the high she is about to reach. God. Jessica prolongs it by slowing down, and then going full on force, playing with her, edging her. “Jessica. Please.” Her eyes screws shut, tear stinging in the corners. The tightness in her chest and abdomen grows.
“Fucking answer me, Tiffany.” Jessica whispers harshly in brash tone before biting into Tiffany’s skin below the ear, and down to the shoulder. She knows it must hurt, but a year of lost contact and the hurt Tiffany left, she doesn't care in this moment. She continues by inserting another two fingers. Tiffany whimpers and holds Jessica tightly. This is new. Jessica isn’t always like this. Or has she ever been this way? Or is it only coming out now?
“Jessica, it hurts.” But it doesn’t stop Tiffany rocking against Jessica. It doesn’t stop her from reaching what she desperately wants. The pain turns to an unbearable high of lust. Jessica wants to fuck her so bad to the point, unknowingly, fuck her over. She wants to fucking push Tiffany into a ditch for hurting her and scream at her. At the same time, she wants all this skin, the intensity of their kisses, and the short bursts of breath of Tiffany’s when they fuck and after they fuck. She wants to consume Tiffany whole as much as she wants Tiffany to do the same to her.
Because she fucking loves her so much. She’ll ruin her life again for her. It isn’t healthy, she knows. Even from the start of their ‘relationship’ last year. It isn’t right to let Tiffany fuck with her mind and her body so easily. It isn’t right to let Tiffany do whatever as she wishes with Yoona and not consider Jessica’s feelings and Yoona’s, ofcourse. Their relationship is far from healthy. She knows this. But like Tiffany, it doesn’t stop Jessica from wanting desperately something. And that is, Tiffany. With her black hair and dark eyes that look so black under a different light. With a stupid tattoo at the back of her body. With a crooked smile, dirty habits, and an avid fucker of a girl. All that dark addictive allure where all the fathers and mothers hope to God that their daughter would never meet her.
She has loved her at her worst. She thinks. It must be Tiffany’s worst. But she just thinks. That is what she is afraid of. Is there a much worse version of Tiffany? Is it the same for Jessica as well?
Hair in Tiffany’s face. Arch in Tiffany’s body. Feeling the release coursing through her body. Tiffany is out of breath. As if she is finally surfacing after being in the waters for minutes. Resting back down the bed, Jessica lies beside Tiffany and watches the rise and fall of Tiffany’s bare chest. She kisses the side of Tiffany’s breast, the skin above her navel, and then downwards. Tiffany holds an ardent gaze on Jessica who is going down on her.
Tiffany breathes in air and holds it. “Jessica..” Tiffany bites her lower lip and grips the sheets at her sides. She is surprised at Jessica’s energy. All of that thinking disappears when she could feel Jessica’s hot breath touching her inner thighs. Something so minor like that could send another wave of haziness to Tiffany’s brain, and wetness. She is tired. “Jessica, I think we shou..should..”
“We’ll stop when you answer me.” Jessica says and then kisses the skin leading to Tiffany’s throbbing center.
Then, all of a sudden, the cloudiness in Tiffany’s head snaps into clear when the doorbell rang.
“Fuck.” Jessica grunts at the interruption. “Who the fuck..” Tiffany sits up in frustration, and grabs the shirt from the floor. Standing up, she puts on Jessica’s shorts and answers the door while Jessica lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Her hand massaging her temple.
She hears low voices. A male voice. Rather serious sounding. She notices a hint of anxiety in Tiffany’s voice. She could hear the constant ‘fuck’ in between words.
Out of curiosity, Jessica walks out of the bedroom and to where Tiffany is standing. She peeks around Tiffany to see who it is. Tiffany quickly realizes Jessica is behind her so she closes in the space to prevent the latter from seeing. “Ok. Ok. Leave.” Tiffany says in a rush to the guy who Jessica previously had a fleeting chance to see how he looks like.
Tiffany shuts the door behind her and rests against it. Her eyebrows are knitted together in full irritation and desperation. She has her eyes on the floor, unwilling to look at Jessica.
“Who was that?” Jessica asks, genuinely curious. But for some reason, she feels a certain weight on her chest starting to form. “Tiffany?” Maybe it is the coldness that is getting to her, considering she is naked. She feels the sudden need to hug herself. Vulnerable. Fragile. Waiting for the world to scratch her insecurities out for people to see. She shouldn’t be feeling like this, right now, in front of Tiffany.
Seeing this, Tiffany pulls her into a hug and says, “Nothing.” She kisses Jessica’s neck. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” She says in an assuring manner. Unfortunately, Jessica isn’t all that convinced.
“How could it be, even before I begin something,
I get into a tangled mess, just like the knots in your hair.”
- Wake Up, Zico
Next day, afternoon
For the past few hours, there have been phone call rings, unanswered and all shut by Tiffany. Tiffany says it’s nothing whereas Jessica knows something is up. The phone is ringing again, and it is beginning to annoy Jessica. She pads across to reach for it but is quickly blocked by Tiffany.
“I said let it be.”
“What is it, Tiffany?” Jessica crosses her arm. Her eyes searching in the dark pools of Tiffany’s eyes. There is definitely something. The emptiness Jessica usually finds is not there. So there must be something. “What is that you’re not telling me?” There is an edge to her tone.
The phone call continues to ring. “I told you, it’s nothing.”
“If it’s nothing, then answer the fucking phone.”
“It’s probably a mistake. Like the last time when this woman kept calling for some Chinese order.” Tiffany chuckles at the remembrance, hoping that they’ll drop this subject. Jessica could see right through her. She isn’t having any of this so she presses on.
“Tiffany.” She says in a stern voice. “Who was it? Don’t be a fucking dick and tell me.”
Finally, Tiffany regards Jessica seriously. There is a rise in tension in the air. Tiffany swallows. The tables have turn. The stare Jessica is giving, has managed to stir something inside Tiffany. Tiffany couldn’t properly look at Jessica in the eye.
“You’ve changed.” Tiffany mumbles. She fiddles with her fingers, suddenly interested in them.
“What did you say?” Jessica’s eyes widens a little. She couldn’t believe this.
“Nothing.”
“Just say it.”
“I said it’s nothing.” Tiffany looks at her, frustration building up between them.
“Stop saying nothing. It’s fucking not nothing. Don’t be a fucking arse and just say it.” Jessica yells, to her own surprise. She couldn’t hold it in. It has been a year. One fucking year to learn to not just stand by and just watching something go away.
Tiffany sighs and looks away, unable to look at Jessica. “I said that you’ve changed.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jessica doesn’t expect to Tiffany answer. Because whatever Tiffany has to say after that wouldn’t be satisfactory. Like the many times before in the past. “So what? You’ve changed. I’ve changed. I learned to not be a fucking pussy anymore. You think I would stay the fucking same after you just disappeared without leaving calls or messages? Do you think I would not move on and not change because you weren’t there to come by at night and fuck me up? The world doesn’t revolve around you, Tiffany.” She spits her words angrily, unaware where all of them came from. Blood rushing through her veins and to her brain. Her heart racing against this argument.
In that moment, she fucking hates Tiffany for what all the girl did to her.
“You think it was easy for me?” Tiffany glares at her, looking at her finally. Her voice in disbelief at Jessica’s sudden rage. “You think I leave intentionally to just hurt you? I was lost, Jessica. I used drugs. You were a drug. You were a fucking drug that I can’t stop using. I -"
“So I’m just a tool for you to use?” Jessica picks up at Tiffany’s choice of words, incredulous.
Tiffany shakes her head quickly, takes a step forward to Jessica but the latter moves backward. “No, that’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?” Jessica replies harshly.
“I mean that I love you too much to not want you to see me fall. I need to pick myself up. I need to prove it to myself that I can better myself.”
“So I was just another anchor that was holding you down?”
“NO! For fuck’s sake, Jessica.” Tiffany huffs. Desperation is shown through her eyes. “It doesn’t matter now. We’re here now. And I love you.”
“What exactly are we, Tiffany? And if you love me, then tell me what you are hiding.” Jessica calms down a little. But it doesn’t stop her from being overly cautious.
“Someone I owe money or some shit deal to.” Tiffany mumbles. But Jessica hears her.
“For what?” Jessica thinks she knows the answers but something in her brain wouldn’t let her tap into what it really is.
“It’s nothing serious.. some debt.” Tiffany’s stare falters. Jessica notices the jittering in Tiffany’s hands.
“Just fucking tell me straight up. I’m not a little girl.”
“Drugs. Jessica. Drugs.” Tiffany confesses. “Jesus.” She says under her breath.
There, the secrets are out for Jessica to process in all the ridiculous and fucked up thing Tiffany just said. She’s rendered speechless. Few beats of silence has passed.
Tiffany speaks again in a shaky voice. “I mean, I owed them. I didn’t have much money in me. I quit uni. I needed money.” She runs her hand through her hair.
Now, it is Jessica’s turn to not be able to look at Tiffany. She walks to sofa and sits, afraid that she might fall under this newfound knowledge about Tiffany.
“And the only way was that I deal.. I mean, helped to pay off.. I had a few setbacks.. which then increased my debt..” Tiffany’s voice tapers off.
Jessica notices Tiffany’s effort in trying to justify her actions. But she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t want to. “I can’t believe this.” Jessica’s voice full of disbelief and shock. “I can’t believe this.”
“Jessica, I..” Tiffany bends down at her knees to be in the same eye level as Jessica’s. She reaches her hand out to Jessica’s knees. But Jessica scoots away from Tiffany as if she's disgusted with Tiffany’s hands.
“Stop. Don’t fucking touch me,” Jessica closes her eyes, hoping that this is all a nightmare. “I thought you were clean.”
“I am clean.” Tiffany tries to assure her. “I am. I swear. I just have some problems. You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand.” Jessica stands up from the sofa. Tears threatened to fall. Her hands tremble. “You were stupid for using. You’re even more stupid for dealing with shit like this.”
Tiffany follows her but then was stopped when Jessica glared at her. “Leave me alone. Please.”
She isn’t going to let Tiffany’s eyes affect on what she thinks about this. She isn’t going to revisit last year. She isn’t going to be that aloof girl who just falters under Tiffany’s gaze, under Tiffany’s words and touches. She has changed. She isn’t going to waste the change just because of someone.
There will be no more of ‘like always’ and easy forgiveness. One thing that hasn’t change is the pain that Tiffany continues to give. The pain in her chest is still the same as last years. Maybe even more now.
Who the fuck knows?
The want. The need. Are still there. But Jessica knows better now to not let Tiffany get to her so easily. She shuts herself in the bathroom and locks the door. Her body slides down against the door and sits on the cold floor.
Without another second, tears fall. No sign of them stopping. There is a knock on the door. There is another hit to her head. Words scream, “I am so stupid.” Tiffany has, once again, manages to make her cry. Her legs fold up, the knees tuck under her chin. She holds her legs for comfort, afraid if she lets go, everything will fall apart.
Tiffany did change, indeed. Just that, Jessica is stupid for thinking that Tiffany might change for the better. All you see on the net about Tiffany are not to be trusted one hundred percent. All you see on Tiffany is a fucking lie. All your dreams and hopes will be burned just by a touch of hers. Jessica has possibly known this for a long time.
But it is only now that she doesn’t deny about it. Tiffany’s a disaster that is about to happen all over again. She is a mistake that never learns from the past. As much as she against Tiffany’s stupidity, deep inside of her, pathetically, tries to understand it.
Why?
Because, well, she loves the girl. Simple as that. As fucked up as it sounds like. She still cares. The girl is a mess, a lost person at sea. Even if whatever they have now do not last, Jessica would always have this space for Tiffany to occupy. If it ever comes to that, she promises to herself she’ll never knock on that door and visit that space. But it is what it is. Tiffany has taken a piece of Jessica with her.
The crying is reduced. Salt water still tainted her flushed cheeks. She needs to clear her head so she takes a shower after discarding her clothes. Hot water runs down her face, down her body. The heat is too much for skin but she didn’t care. Steam quickly fogs the mirrors. She isn’t sure if she is still crying. But whatever she went through few minutes ago has been forgotten.
The only escape from Tiffany is the bathroom and a long hot shower. Then she realizes, this is Tiffany’s bathroom. She curses mentally. She is surrounded by Tiffany’s towels and toiletries and shit. She is surrounded by her walls. The walls she builds herself as a defense mechanism has no fight with Tiffany’s claws. Everywhere, everything, is Tiffany.
She hears the unlocking of the door, the footsteps nearing her. Tiffany gets into the shower. But Jessica’s back is facing her.
“Jessica, please look at me.” Tiffany speaks carefully. Jessica turns to look at her but not completely seeing her. She holds her heart dearly for whatever Tiffany has to say. The clothes on Tiffany are now soaked. She feels more naked than before. Is her heart out?
“Fuck you, Tiffany. You’re a fucked up, you know that?”
“I know.” Tiffany looks down at her now wet feet. “I’m a fucked up.”
“I hate you. I fucking hate you so much.” It is true. What Jessica feels right now in this moment is just pure hatred for the girl infront of her. The girl who is stupidly wet and dumb to even try to explain the completely fucked thing she’s in.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says in a low voice. “You have every right to hate me.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t try to win me over with empty words.” Disgust fills Jessica’s head. She turns to face the hard wall. She places her hand against the tiles for support. Head down, under the shower head. Then she cries, she thinks. She could taste the salt on her tongue.
Tiffany takes a step closer, takes her clothes off, and slides her arm around Jessica’s waist. Jessica struggles to get away but there is no space for her to go about.
“I’m sorry.” Tiffany says, repeating the same words. Different effects on Jessica. She’s faltering a little. The person she hates more than Tiffany currently, is herself.
“I hate-e you. Fucking hate you.” Jessica’s sobbing now. Uncontrollably. She can’t hold herself so she lets Tiffany hold her. And she hates this. She hates Tiffany. She hates how their bodies fit with each other. She hates how fucking easy for Tiffany to just have her. She hates how she is still hopelessly in love with her.
Jessica faces Tiffany and shoves her to the wall behind. Tiffany stumbles backwards and almost fell down due to the slippery floor. The back of head must have hit against the wall, and it makes a loud thud. “Fuck.” Tiffany curses, feeling the pain shooting up her head. “Jessica, I’m sorry.”
But Jessica doesn’t take it or kisses the sorry with forgiveness. Instead, she slaps Tiffany across the right cheek, leaving a red mark. Tiffany acts as if it doesn’t hurt, and she pulls Jessica into her arms, and holding Jessica forcefully when Jessica struggles. The sobbing continues and reduces Jessica’s attempts to escape. Her head falls onto Tiffany’s shoulder.
“Jessica, stop. You’ll hurt yourself.”
I already am.
And this makes her cry more. Tiffany grabs Jessica’s face, looking at her in the eyes. Tiffany’s eyes are full of sorry, sadness, and love. Jessica identifies it as care. She couldn’t help but be softened by Tiffany’s eyes. She lets herself feel. She is tired of fighting for what her heart is trying to do.
The pools of Tiffany’s eyes are no longer as dark as before, instead they are soft dark brown ones. Jessica’s gaze travels from the blood on Tiffany’s forehead, down to her eyes, her nose, and then to her lips.
Jessica’s mouth meet Tiffany’s. They kiss slowly. Jessica nibbles on Tiffany’s lips. Her eyes are forced shut. Alongside her mind. She bites on Tiffany’s lower lip, and Tiffany lets out a low whimper. She tastes Tiffany’s blood on her tongue.
She desperately wishes all the hurt, the hesitation, the nightmare, to disappear or to be forgotten even for just a moment. Their kisses grow into an urgency of make outs and with such intensity to the point where Tiffany’s back meet the wall again.
Tiffany plants soft kisses on Jessica’s forehead, under her eyes where the tears had been, and then back to her mouth. She slides her tongue along Jessica’s lips. Jessica pulls back from Tiffany.
Her eyes running down on Tiffany's body. Something in Jessica’s eyes has sent a sense of confusion and surprise into Tiffany. Tiffany hasn’t quite seen her like this before. In the corner, Jessica pushes Tiffany against it and begins to suck, bite, nibble on Tiffany’s neck. Her free hand massaging Tiffany’s breast.
Tiffany’s head falls back into the corner where the walls meet, ignoring the sudden pain of having her head crushed in between. Jessica leaves a trail of wet tongue down the length of Tiffany’s body. “I’m so sorry, Jessica. For leaving. For.. everything.” Her voice comes out hoarse.
Jessica hears the vulnerability and the sincere honesty in Tiffany’s tone. She almost forgives. She almost. Still, she aches just hearing Tiffany’s words. She wishes she could just forgive. But it’s hard. It’s hard.
Real hard.
If this is already hard, then how will it be when she falls from Tiffany’s grip? She knows she will. And yet here she is, her tongue in Tiffany. Groan after groan. Sorry after sorry. A greater pain after pain.
When will it stop?
“You can watch me bleed,
settle your belief inside of me”
- Bleed, Smashing Pumpkins