Ocean
summary; clock, oceans, short e.e. cummings poem, nightmares
Jessica had always hated the clock. The antique clock that was hung against the white wall. Whereas Tiffany treasured it. She couldn’t complain.
She just couldn’t. How Tiffany lived the way she lived. How Tiffany smoked almost everyday till the walls smelled of it. But that was fine, at least to her. As long as Tiffany wouldn’t disappear into thin air like how the white mist would.
The clock started to chime and Jessica floated out of reverie. She closed her eyes, gritted her teeth slightly and waited for the clock to stop chiming. If only she could control time, everything would be okay.
**
One afternoon, Jessica came back from a jog and found Tiffany dancing in the living room, flailing her arms around with her eyes closed. Her black hair flowed beautifully in the air. The scene had Jessica's feet rooted to the ground and her mouth mildly open.
It was a rarity to see Tiffany in a gleeful state. The past few weeks, Tiffany sometimes distanced herself from things she used to find joy in. Jessica thought of the worst but only to have it put aside immediately. She didn’t want to think about it. She just couldn’t.
Now, all her worries and doubts were washed away. Her heart ached happily. Tiffany made a small twirl and stumbled a little. She glanced up and noticed Jessica in the hallway.
Tiffany took off her earphones and put it on the table. She opened her arms and smiled widely. “Dance with me.” Even the cheerful kid-like tone of her voice surprised Jessica. It was the kind of Tiffany she missed. It was the kind of Tiffany when she first met her.
“I smell.” Jessica said, giving a weak smile. She couldn’t help but stare at Tiffany. She needed to cement the image of her lover in her mind. “I need to shower.”
“Shower later.” Tiffany pulled Jessica into a warm embrace. “You smell fine. In fact, you smell nice.” She kissed Jessica’s lips and her forehead. It was a way for Tiffany to make Jessica believe her. Even though Jessica knew it wasn’t true but Tiffany had made it seemed truthful. She always does.
“Liar.” Jessica rested her chin on Tiffany’s shoulder and rubbed the girl’s back. She felt the ribs and she was momentarily stiffened. She was afraid of breaking Tiffany. Afraid of crippling the beautiful bones into ashes. Afraid of losing Tiffany all over again. But she can’t let the morbid thoughts take over this moment.
Tiffany wrapped her arms around Jessica’s waist and began to hum. They slow danced to a tune only both of them knew. All the ‘I love yous’ were passed in between the humming notes.
**
Jessica awoke in a sweat, jolting her into a sitting position. It was ‘that’ dream again. A dream where she was in the middle of ocean. Voice buried in her throat but knew it was useless anyways. And she was drowing in fear and helplessness while Tiffany... The clock chimed as it hit the midnight mark.
Tiffany stirred and peered over her shoulder. Her eyes were half-open. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Jessica answered weakly as she ran a hand through her hair.
“Come here.” Tiffany gently pulled Jessica to lie down. She kissed Jessica’s bare shoulder and her nape, assuring her in a way. “Everything is going to be okay.” She whispered. And Jessica believed her, as always.
Jessica tucked a hand under her cheek and listened to Tiffany’s soft breathing. She couldn’t sleep that night.
**
“Remember to buy milk and our cereal.” Tiffany said. It wasn’t officially their cereal. It was just a term that they made up for themselves.
“I’m in the store now.” Jessica held the phone against her ear, eyes searching for something on the shelves.
“Don’t hang up yet. I want to hear your voice.”
“I’m going to see you soon.” She smiled widely, catching the attention of the cashier who had his brow raised.
“I just want to. Haven’t seen you for a long time.” Of course, Tiffany exaggerated. But to the both of them, it did feel like a long time. “I love you.”
Suddenly, Jessica stumbled over something. “I love you too.” She said as she steadied her stance.
“What happened? I heard something.” Tiffany happened.
“Nothing.” Jessica laughed, earning a confused look from the cashier. She stopped by the cereal section and took the one they always had. “Got our cereal.”
**
“Good. Very articulate and smooth. Changmin remarked, adjusting his glasses while he was at it. “Go home now. It’s getting late. And, congratulations.”
“Thank you. See you tomorrow.” Jessica said with a smile. Changmin was her neighbour and the editor in chief of where she worked. It’s good to know someone.
“How’s Tiffany, by the way?”
“She’s doing fine.” Images of Tiffany smiling and dancing flooded her mind. Subconsciously, her smile grew.
“Good. Good.” He nodded and left.
Back at the apartment, Jessica slung the bag off her shoulder and searched for Tiffany. A mixed CD which Jessica had made for Tiffany was playing.
“Tiffany, where are you?”
“Here.” Tiffany called out from the art room. She was wearing a washed out denim unbuttoned shirt and her hair was pulled into a loose bun with stray hairs hanging out.
Even then and now, Tiffany was the most beautiful person Jessica had ever seen. The girl still had her eyes on the canvas, head tilting a little to the left. She had her lips pursed and in that moment, Jessica wanted to kiss her.
Jessica came up to her from behind and hugged her as she rested her chin on Tiffany’s shoulder. “What are you drawing?”
“The ocean and maybe a lighthouse.”
Something jabbed into Jessica’s heart. Her smile faltered. “You know I hate the ocean.” She straightened her posture, letting go of Tiffany.
“The ocean’s beautiful. Even the loneliness of it.” That was it with Tiffany. She could make the ordinary sound extraordinary. Jessica believed her. Tiffany looked over her shoulder and met Jessica’s gaze with a smile.
“Not as beautiful as you.” Jessica cooed, eliciting a giggle from Tiffany.
“Why are you being so cheesy?” Tiffany grinned as she turned around in her seat to face Jessica fully. A sly smile was spread across Tiffany’s face and then the next thing Jessica knew, her nose was painted with blue.
“That's the way it's gonna be huh?” Jessica asked in a mocking voice. Her finger took a dip in one of the colours and grazed it along Tiffany’s face.
The next few seconds, they struggled playfully to paint each other’s face until Jessica stopped her with a kiss. Instead of faces, their bare skin was painted. The walls and floor had Jessica’s and Tiffany’s hand prints. Their shirts tossed aside in the corner. They were each other’s canvas.
**
A week later
“Why didn’t you tell me that you got promoted?” Tiffany crossed her arms over her chest, refusing to look at Jessica in the eye.
“How -?” Jessica froze at where she stood, keys dangling on her fingers.
“Yoona told me.”
“You talked to your ex-girlfriend?”
“Don’t change the subject, Jessica.” Tiffany said icily. She only says Jessica’s full name when she’s either angry or really happy. Jessica knew it was the former.
“I-I- ”
“What? You thought that I would be sad? That I couldn’t handle it because I don’t work as hard as you do? You thought that I’m some kind of sad person who would’t be happy for her girlfriend just because I no longer work there? Is that it, Jessica? Well, you’re wrong.” Tiffany rose from the couch abruptly and stormed her way into the bedroom, locking it.
That night, Jessica had to be on the couch. The clock’s midnight chime sounded louder in the living room and so, she couldn’t sleep. It was too cold. Too cold without Tiffany. The sound of the door opening was heard. Little light spilled into living room in a straight line. Soft little steps became more audible as it neared Jessica.
“I can’t sleep.” Tiffany murmured in the dark. Jessica made space for Tiffany to lie down with her. They fit perfectly in each other’s embrace, in every couch or seat, in every bed and in every space that existed. “I’m still mad at you.”
Jessica would lose her sleep just so Tiffany could sleep comfortably. She’ll do anything to give her comfort. Anything at all.
**
The next morning, Jessica felt empty. As expected, Tiffany was no longer in her arms. Walking into the kitchen, the girl was eating their cereal and ignored Jessica’s presence.
“I’m sorry.” Jessica said in a hopeful tone.
The thing with Tiffany was that stubborness was embedded in her since the beginning. She could hold a grudge for days. And all Jessica could do was sigh and let her do so.
**
Days later
Clutching the paper in her hand, Jessica arrived at the apartment. Ironically, the clock started to chime as it was 6 o’clock already.
“You’re home early.” Tiffany said casually as she wrote a quote on the wall.
Jessica kept quiet. Too quiet, it created a stifling air between them. When Tiffany sensed something was wrong, she put down the brush and glanced at her girlfriend. There was dullness in Jessica’s eyes but her lips were quivering slightly.
Tiffany’s eyes landed on the familiar paper in Jessica’s hand. She swallowed hard and took a step forward towards Jessica.
“Don’t.” Jessica said curtly. Her grasp on the paper tightened, crumpling it. “Stay where you are.” She couldn’t stand to look at Tiffany in the eye. It was all too painful and hurtful. There was only so much sadness a girl can take. Tiffany’s eyes behold her whole world. Their world together.
“Jessica.” Tiffany said wearily and almost desperate. The mention of her own name from Tiffany’s mouth created a wave of emotions all the time. But now, all Jessica felt was betrayal and angriness.
“How could you?”
“Let me explain.”
“Explain what? There’s nothing left to explain. All the goddamn explanation is on that paper!” She threw the paper onto the coffee table. The nearby stuffs were rattled by the sudden force. “I can’t even look at you.”
A form of helplessness grew in Tiffany. Jessica walked past her and went into the bathroom. Tiffany gave up knocking when it was close to thirty minutes so she sat down on the floor with her back against the door. She wondered if Jessica was doing the same thing.
“I’m tired. Just so.. tired.” Tiffany said, not expecting Jessica to hear it.
**
An hour later, the door was unlocked. The clicking awoke Tiffany. She stood up and hesitated whether she should approach her. Before she could decided, Jessica opened the door.
Jessica’s eyes were red from crying and the sight broke Tiffany’s heart. This time, Tiffany couldn’t look at her.
“Are you tired of me?” Jessica asked in a small voice.
“W-what?” Tiffany couldn’t understand at what she was saying.
“Are you tired of me?”
“No..”
“Then do it for me. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.” It was selfish of Jessica and she knew it. But Tiffany was selfish too.
**
A month later
What seemed to be a regular day ended up differently. A greyer day, reflecting everybody’s mood. Tiffany had met Jessica’s ex boyfriend. She faked a smile and cut the conversation short after he had asked how Jessica was doing. Despite of him not doing anything to her, Tiffany became angry.
So when Jessica came back home that day, Tiffany decided something.
“I’m giving you a free pass. Take it.” She said forcefully. “You can leave. Just leave. I’ll be fine. Really.” Without warning, her eyes were filled with tears.
It was all too sudden. Jessica took a deep breath. “You don’t get to decide, Tiffany. You don’t.” She paused and then continued slowly, “I’m not going to run away. That’s the end of it.” And with that, the clock hit the 9 o’clock mark.
“Even if I do, even if I’m thousand miles away, I’m still with you whether I like it or not. Remember when you told me that you were going to take a piece of me just like how your mother did with you? You lied.”
Because Tiffany took all of hers.
**
Some day
Tiffany was seated in a chair where her arm was hooked to a chemo drip. She was surrounded by few other patients. All of them were bald and over 50. Tiffany and Jessica were the only young ones in the room.
“Will you still love me when I go bald again?”
“I’ll still love you even if you murdered 50 people.” Jessica smiled before giving a chaste kiss on Tiffany’s lips.
The patient who was knitting stopped and looked hard at the both of them.
**
At work, Jessica stopped talking to Yoona and to everyone else. The stares she got from them made her feel bitter. They knew because of Yoona. And for that, Jessica hated Yoona for telling everyone.
She hated the stares she received. She hated the constant whispers whenever she came around. They looked at her as if Tiffany was going to die. They looked at her as if Jessica had already lost a lover.
She hated all of them. The only person she could tolerate was Changmin. But even with him, her patience was thinning out.
**
Jessica stopped having sleeps. The least number of hours she had was two hours. But even in those hours, the ‘nightmare’ came back. There were many other nightmares. Nightmares where she was drowning in the middle of the ocean, a monster pulling her down. It didn’t scare her as much as this would.
Instead a black looming monster, the dark unknown lengths of the ocean feared her the most. And its haunting whispers that kept repeating, “Let her go.” Jessica wasn’t drowning. Tiffany was, and she was holding onto Jessica for dear life. The whimpering cries slipping from Tiffany’s lips echoed in Jessica’s ears.
Therefore Jessica rather not sleep at all. Some times she would sit on the edge of the bed and then shift near Tiffany just to see her face. Most of the time Jessica stood close to her, making sure Tiffany was still breathing. The sound of the clock accompanied her every night.
**
The vomiting became more frequent. Jessica felt useless because all she did was pull Tiffany’s hair back and give her water. When Tiffany no longer had hair, only a scarf covering her scalp, Jessica would rub her back and give her water. When all those options exhausted, Jessica would cry in the bathroom after Tiffany goes to sleep.
Because that was all she could do. She couldn’t give the comfort she wished for Tiffany. She couldn’t believe Tiffany’s words anymore. Words like; “It’s going to be okay.” and “I’m fine.” Even when Tiffany kissed her lips and her forehead afterwards. It didn’t work like it would always do.
It was never going to be okay. No amount of ‘fine’ would make her believe. Despite of all of it, a tiny stupid thing called hope kept urging her to do so. It was stupid but very much needed. Somehow, it was a little comforting.
**
Months of chemotherapy. Result: unsuccessful.
The first thing they did after coming back from the hospital was to eat cereals in silence. Then Tiffany went to the art room and continued her painting while Jessica went out to buy more cereals. When she arrived, the chiming of the clock welcomed her.
Jessica put the cereals neatly inside the cabinet and then rearranged them again. Over and over again.
“It’s going to be okay.” Tiffany appeared in the door way with her head hung low. Jessica looked at her, particularly at where the scarf was wrapped around.
Again, Jessica did not believe her. Nothing was believable anymore.
**
“Let her go.”
No.
“Let. Her. Go.”
No.
Jessica jolted into consciousness. She looked around at where she was; the living room. The clock stated what time it was; around 4. Rising from her seat, she went to find Tiffany on the balcony, smoking. She frowned.
The expression was soon replaced by a sad look. Tiffany was all bones and edges. Cheeks deflated, skin much paler, cuts stayed unhealed, and eyes duller. The sunlight made Jessica realized that. She hated the sun for it.
**
“Don’t leave me.” Jessica whispered, her arms around Tiffany’s skinny waist. The room was dark but she managed to see her face with the help from the moon outside.
“I’ll go when you want me to.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
Tiffany sighed strugglingly. “It’s okay, Jessica.”
Jessica didn’t really know what Tiffany meant by that. Until the day came.
**
The pain became too unbearable for Tiffany. Therefore she was admitted into the hospital. When Jessica was about to leave work to visit Tiffany, Yoona had asked how Tiffany was holding up.
Right after that, Jessica slapped her and left. Tears threatening to fall as she walked out of the building.
**
“Do you still remember the poem I read to you the other night?” Tiffany asked in a weak voice. All such of drips were connected to her arms. The shine in her eyes were withering. It pained Jessica.
Jessica had never once cry infront of Tiffany. Crying because of a movie, a show, or other trivial things was different thing. But to cry for and infront Tiffany, she never did. When it was all too much to bear, tears slid down her cheeks.
“Shh. Don’t cry.” Tiffany weakly lifted her arm, wanting to touch Jessica’s cheek. Seeing the current state, Jessica moved closer and placed Tiffany’s palm against her own face. “Recite the poem for me.”
“I do not know what it is about you..” Jessica stopped when Tiffany started to cough uncontrollably.
When the coughing had subsided, Tiffany urged her to continue.
“That closes and opens; only something in me understands..” Jessica heaved a sigh before continuing, “Only something in me understands. The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.” Slowly, she closed her eyes. “Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.”
**
Some day
Walking into the room, another figure stood in front of Tiffany. Jessica recognized who it was; Yoona.
“How dare you come in here.” She clenched her fists. There was fear in Yoona’s widened eyes.
“Jessica.. she’s a friend.” Tiffany tried to sit up right. Quickly, Jessica came to her aid. “I can do this myself.” Tiffany shrugged Jessica off.
“I’ll leave. I’ll be back tomorrow.” Yoona gave a sympathetic smile and lightly hug Tiffany. Jessica’s eyes never left Yoona until the girl walked out of the room.
“Why are you so bitter about her?” Tiffany rolled her eyes. “I want to be alone for a while.” Her back facing Jessica. The whole day Tiffany ignored her.
**
Some day
The truth was nearing. It made Jessica feel suffocated. Gasping for air. Just like one of those nightmares she had. But this time, it was real.
Yoona being in the same room worsened it. But Tiffany’s condition was much more important than to be holding grudges against a person. Her breathing had gone tired and her sleeping hours was prolonged as she needed the drugs to keep the pain off. The greatest pain was not felt by the patient. It was Jessica.
Before Tiffany fell into a slumber, she told her weakly to wind up the clock back at the apartment. In which Jessica begrudgingly agreed to do so. The atmosphere was insufferable. She wanted to get away and she hated for feeling so.
In the apartment, she stared at the old clock before her. Somehow it looked menacing and was just there to mock Jessica. Drowsiness took over Jessica, eliciting a long yawn. Soon, sleep came. Somewhere along the minutes, the ‘nightmare’ came to visit Jessica.
**
The water swallowed her whole body. Jessica struggled to keep Tiffany and herself afloat. Water splashing everywhere. Arms flailing. Visions blurred.
“Let her go.” The dark ocean whispered in a dangerous tone. “And you’ll live.”
No. Jessica screamed but it came out muffled as water rushed into her lungs. Time was slipping away so did Tiffany. Something was pulling her down and Jessica held on to her.
The strength was too great for her. The burden was too heavy on her shoulder. And in the end, she did something that was unforgivable. Something she failed to recognize as a human thing to do.
**
“Jessica! Jessica!” Yoona shook her hard, awakening the girl. “You were crying.”
Sweats trickled down Jessica’s forehead. “Wha.. What are you doing here?”
“Tiffany asked for you. You didn’t answer your phone. So I came here. We’ll take the same car on the way there.” Without realizing it, Jessica had forgotten to wind the clock.
As they were on their way to the hospital, silence momentarily filled the air.
“I’m her friend, Jessica.” Yoona finally spoke up. “I’m sorry for what I did.” She sighed. “But she needs us. I still love her, you know? As a friend. You’re not the only who’s hurting.”
Jessica opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Yoona was right.
**
“Remember what I said before? I’ll go when you let me.” Tiffany’s lips were so dry. It made Jessica want to grab a glass of water for her.
She nodded in response, unsure at where this was going.
“I need you to that for me when the time comes. No matter what you decide, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Jessica.”
Jessica came closer to let Tiffany kiss her on the lips and then on the forehead.
**
When the time came, the clock stopped functioning. Tiffany’s heart stopped ticking. And Jessica no longer fought to stay afloat so she drowned herself in Tiffany’s ocean.
She had let Tiffany go and herself free. At last, she believed Tiffany when she said that it was going to be okay.