You've Got Mail
summary: letters, poems, secret admirer, jeti as teenagers, ice peach again
words: 3870
Summer holidays was here and Tiffany had volunteered to be a post office girl for the time being. She only did it just so she could send letters or poems to a girl she had been crushing on. A girl named Jessica. She was only a few months older and never really noticed Tiffany even though they were neighbours.
Tiffany knew it was creepy for her to do so but how could she stand still and watch Jessica just from the window? Her job was to deliver mails in her neigbourhood only.
The first letter was about how she admired Jessica and wrote to her that she shouldn’t going out with douchebags anymore. Of course, she had to scribble her words so it would be like a boy’s handwriting. The next day, Tiffany saw Jessica putting the letter back in the mailbox. But that didn’t stop her from complimenting the girl.
On the first day of the holidays, news broke out that Jessica just broken up with some douchebag Tiffany did not bother to remember his name. And Jessica seemed to be upset about it. Tiffany would see her sitting on the porch till the sunset comes, staring at particularly nothing, and an upside down smile pasted.
After the first letter, Tiffany started adding poems in the later letters. She would scribble the words onto a small paper, fold it after, and put it in an envelope.
Mostly, Tiffany prefered E.E Cummings, Ginsberg’s, or F.Scott Fitzgerald’s works. She grew to loving their writings. Her father was a literature professor at a college nearby and built a small library in their home. So on afternoons, she takes a book out, searches for the marked lines, and write it down on a paper.
Delivering those letters were kind of tricky at first for Tiffany. She had to pull down the brim of her cap down just so anyone would not see her face. Especially Jessica. Sometimes, Tiffany would hesitate a little before putting the envelope in the mailbox.
**
First letter
Dear Jessica,
Hi. How are you? You must be wondering who I am. This may come off creepy. I just want to say that I kind of like you. Kind of a lot too. Creepy? I’m sorry. I think you’re a pretty cool person and pretty beautiful. You deserve a lot better. He’s a douchebag.
Your secret admirer
**
End of 2nd week
One noon, Tiffany went to Jessica’s house to do the usual job. As she was putting the mail in, Jessica yanked the door open, walked down the steps, and grabbed the mails out of Tiffany’s hand. Jessica started to rifle through it and got hers, and Tiffany’s heart dropped.
To her very relief, the cap was pulled down therefore Jessica couldn’t really see the panicked eyes.
“Do you know who is the sender?” Jessica held the letter in front of Tiffany. She sounded like she was accusing Tiffany.
Tiffany just shook her head. “No..”
“Well, if you do see him at the post office, tell him I want to meet him.” Jessica said. It wasn’t an angry or a friendly kind of tone. Tiffany did not know what to make out of that. “Or is it a her? There’s no a return address. Ridiculous.” The girl scoffed and went back into the house without bidding goodbye. After that, Tiffany could finally breathe properly.
**
Second letter
Dear Jessica,
It’s me again. I hope you’re not too weirded by this. And I hope you find my letter enlightening. And I also hope you’ll be happier. I hope for all the greatest things for you. Because you deserve it. Only if I could show you how incredibly wonderful you are. If only you could see the way I see you. Because in my eyes, you shine the brightest among the stars and you are the loveliest of all roses.
“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” - e.e. cummings
Your secret admirer
**
End of 3nd week
Arriving at Jessica’s front lawn, Tiffany had her blue cap on and took the mail out of her bag. Then she noticed Jessica was sitting on the porch steps as if she had been waiting for Tiffany.
“You again.” Jessica said flatly. She lifted her sunglasses onto her head and narrowed her eyes at Tiffany. She was leaning back and had her elbows propped on the porch floor, her leg over the other.
Tiffany smiled half-heartedly and sweats started to trickle down her temples. Jessica’s shirt was pulled back a little, baring her stomach, and the sight had Tiffany’s eyes looking down her own feet.
“A letter for me again?”
Tiffany shrugged.
“Bring it to me?” It wasn’t a question but more of a request. She complied and meekly handed the particular letter to Jessica. “Thanks.”
She was about to turn away but halted when Jessica spoke up again. “I swear I’ve seen you somewhere. Aside from giving mails.”
“I live across you.” Tiffany looked over her shoulder and pointed at her own house.
“Wow, really?” Jessica laughed airily, disbelief at the information. Tiffany’s cheeks were burning in embarassement.“My name’s Jessica. I don’t think we’ve officially met.” She stood up and smiled. “And you’re Tiffany.” Her eyes landed on Tiffany’s badge name.
“I know who you are.”
“You do?” Jessica furrowed her brow.
“We go to the same school together.” Tiffany said in a dull tone. A little offended that Jessica had never noticed her before.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were a little older since you mail stuff and all.”
“It’s a summer job.” Tiffany said as she walked away quickly.
**
Third letter
Dear Jessica,
I assumed that you’re probably thinking that I may be from your school. Yes, I am. I could only tell you that. Jessica.. Jessica.. I think it’s a pretty normal name. One of many common American names. Somehow it suits you. Somehow you’ve made the name sound more than just.. normal. I think you’re pretty extraordinary. Do believe it when I say that you are. A stranger’s words are sometimes more truthful than the people you’ve known.
“The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction the weight, the weight we carry is love. ” - Allen Ginsberg.
Your secret admirer
**Beginning of the 4th week
That afternoon, Tiffany took the trash out and saw Jessica jogging with earphones on. The girl glanced in her way and Tiffany looked away quickly and pretended to slap some flies away.
“Hey!” Jessica waved and then walked across the street to where Tiffany stood. She smiled and took her earphones off and then wiped the sweat on her neck with a towel. Then Tiffany found it was hard to breathe again. “I just uh.. want to apologize for yesterday. For not.. really acknowledging you since the beginning.”
Tiffany simply gave a thin smile and shove her hands into her pockets.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Jessica threw the towel over her shoulder and leaned her weight on one foot. “I made an awesome ice peach drink. You ought to try it. Come on.” Tiffany didn’t really have much choice because her own legs betrayed her. They were simply drawn to follow where Jessica was going.
**
In Jessica’s house, Tiffany scanned the area. It was white-spaced and airy. “You have a nice place.” She complimented.
“Thanks. There’s not really much here. Parents are out for some business trip until god knows when. So this place’s practically nothing.” Jessica disappeared into another room.
In the hallway, Tiffany felt out of place and unsure what to do. Quick steps came down the stairs. It was Jessica’s younger sister. “Oh, hello Tiffany.” Krystal wore a polo shirt and a white skirt with a bag hung on her shoulder. At least, Krystal noticed Tiffany.
And for that, Tiffany smiled genuinely and greeted her, “Hey Krys, tennis practice?”
“Yeap.”
Then Jessica appeared with her arms crossed. “Are you going anywhere afterwards?”
“A party.” Krystal’s tone fell flat.
“Don’t be late.” Jessica said authoritively.
“Whatever.”
**
“I still feel kind of bad. Even my sister knows who you are.” Jessica handed Tiffany the ice peach drink. It was hard for Tiffany to not look elsewhere other than Jessica’s eyes.
The girl was wearing a sports bra and just shorts. Was this a punishment for secretly sending those letters to her? Tiffany pondered. “It’s fine.” She took a sip of the drink, savouring the cool taste.
“How’s the drink?” Jessica asked with wonder in her eyes.
Tiffany gave a thumbs up. “Nice.”
“Just nice?”
“Really nice.” The response made Jessica laughed instead.
“I want to show you something.” Jessica went into the dining room and Tiffany followed behind. “Sit here.” She gestured her to sit at the dining table. “I’ll be right back.”
**
Jessica returned to the room with opened envelopes. “I was thinking that you could help me with this. Like uh, recognize the handwriting or something. So when you see him or her putting in the letter, you’ll know.”
Tiffany froze in her seat as she stared at her own papers. She swallowed hard. “W-why do you want to know?” She croaked. She thought about typing them out but thought better of it because it would be too formal and weird.
“Just curious. It kind of creeped me out at first. Then the poems started, I kind of like it.” Jessica stood next to where Tiffany sat and leaned forward to read one of the letters. Tiffany’s nails dugged into the cushion at the sudden closeness. “To be honest, it made me feel better. The past few weeks been kind of.. depressing.” Jessica picked up one of the letters.
“Oh.” Tiffany choked out. She nursed her drink as her throat was weirdly dry. “Is it because.. of the break - ..” She stopped herself, immediately regretting asking her.
“You knew about that?” Jessica straightened her posture and walked towards one of the windows, staring off at somewhere. Then she let out of a stifled laugh. “I wasn’t really depressed about that. Sure, took me a few days but that was it. Then I realized I’ve been wasting my time with him.” She scoffed, shaking her head.
Jessica looked over her shoulder and smiled at the letters. She continued, “When there’s someone who writes to me all these wonderful words, you know?”
Tiffany didn’t know what to say. A small smile swept across her face, knowing Jessica liked the letters. “Any favourite poem?”
“The one about the moon, the sun, the stars, I think it’s by E.E Cummings .” Jessica finished her drink and set it on the table.
A second later, her phone started to ring. She picked it up and mouthed “Wait a sec” to Tiffany.
“Hello.. Oh hey, Yoong…. A party? Not really up for it.” Jessica stared out of the window again. “No, Yoong. I know. I know. Alright, fine. Jeez. I’ll be there.”
After the phone call ended, Tiffany stood up from her seat, assuming Jessica was going to go out. “I’ll get out of your hair now..”
“Sorry. You know, Yoona?” Tiffany nodded. Of course, she knew her. Everyone knew who Jessica and Yoona were. As for Tiffany.. she was just Tiffany. “She’s goddamn persistent. Sometimes I just want to strangle her.”
The only reaction Tiffany could come up with was a laugh.
“I’m rambling, aren’t I?” Jessica pulled the tie out and her hair flowed across her shoulders. “Got to get ready now.” She smiled weakly. Tiffany’s heart went weak too.
And with that, they bid each other farewell. Tiffany returned to her own solitary where she was at most comfortable with books and other things.
**
Next day
Tiffany was lounging around, reading one of Woolf’s novels, and was interrupted when the doorbell rung. Her father went to open the door and she could hear a familiar voice greeting him.
“Hello, Jessica! What a surprise!” Tiffany jolted into a sitting position, heart thumping in her ears and thoughts went through her mind at a crazy speed. The book almost slipped out of her grasp.
“Hi, Mr. Hwang. I’m uh..looking for Tiffany.”
“Tiffany? Come in, come in.” Tiffany’s father brought Jessica to the living room. “Tiffany, welcome your guest. If you girls need anything, find me in the backyard.” He beamed with a hint of surprise on his face as he looked at Tiffany before leaving.
“Am I bothering you? You look kind of busy.” Jessica said in a guilty tone.
Tiffany shook her head a little too quickly. It was true anyways. All she did the whole day was read books and watched reruns of Greys Anatomy. She gestured Jessica to sit.
“I didn’t see you at the party last night.” Jessica said, frowning a little.
“Party’s not my thing..” Tiffany tapered off, realizing how lame she sounded. How boring she was. Besides, she wasn’t even invited to any party.
“I was hoping that we could get together. Anyways, maybe you could help me with something.” Jessica played with her own fingers, looking a little nervous.
“With what?” Tiffany’s curosity piqued. Trying to look her best.
“Find whoever who sent me those letters. He or she might send another letter this week.”
A wash of nervousness came over Tiffany. This was not how she wanted it to be. She wanted to stay anonymous and not be embarrassed by the outcome. If she were to confess to Jessica, it would be a joke of the town.
Tiffany liked the girl too much to have people ruin it by making fun of her. Most of all, she didn’t want Jessica to be disgusted by her. Jessica was everything whereas Tiffany was just Tiffany.
“Oh.” Because that was all Tiffany could come up with. “I don’t know… I just deliver letters.” She stared down her feet as if she was thinking of something else.
“You know when the office opens. In return, you’ll get a month supply of ice peach tea.” Jessica showed her pearl whites and clapped like a little girl. How could Tiffany say no to that?
**
End of 4th week
Tiffany didn’t write a letter. She was afraid of Jessica finding out. The girl had been driving around the post office during open hours. She could have sneak in the letter between the others but thought better of it.
On the delivery day, Tiffany was on her bike, going around the neighbourhood until Jessica saw her. She wanted to cycle away and pretend that she didn’t see her. But it was too late.
“Did you see who it was?” Jessica asked as she took off her earphones. She was in her usual outdoor wear.
“No.” Tiffany’s feet touched the ground and adjusted her mail pouch. “I’ve got to go.” She cycled away without looking back at her.
**
Afternoon
When Tiffany came to her room, she found Jessica tracing her fingers along the bookcase. The unexpected guest made her shriek a little. Jessica spun around.
“Sorry. Your father let me in.” Jessica propped herself onto the foot of the bed. Then stood back up. The girl couldn’t sit still.
“Uh.. w-what are you doing here?” Tiffany liked Jessica but she didn’t like when people just let themselves into her room. Her sanctuary.
“Brought you ice peach tea.” Jessica pointed at the jug which was placed on Tiffany’s desk. She lifted the brim of Tiffany’s cap and smiled. “There. I can see your pretty face better.” The comment made Tiffany blushed. And the look on her face made Jessica smiled a little wider.
“You have a lot of books.” Jessica stated the obvious.
Tiffany just nodded.
“I forgot that you don’t talk much.” The older girl laughed half-heartedly. “I’m bored so I decided to go on a summer reading. Any books you’d recommened?”
Then Tiffany’s eyes lit up at the mention of her favourite topic. “You could borrow one of them if you like.” She said with a smile.
“Really? Thanks.” Jessica already had her hands on one of the books.
**
“Tiffany! The phone call is for you!” Her dad shouted from downstairs. Tiffany wondered who would be calling her at this time. Then she remembered, who would actually call her? Her only bestfriend, Sooyoung, was out of country.
Tiffany reached her hand out to get the phone from the table. “Hello?”
“Hey! It’s Jessica.”
“How did you get this number?”
“Phonebook.” Jessica sounded disappointed.
“Oh. Hey!” Tiffany greeted her back in an uncharacteristically cheerful manner. “What’s up?”
“I think I know who it might be. It could be the guy named Donghae. He's always back in the class, scribbling something, and completely quiet. Not what I expected, but hey, it’s a possibility. I couldn’t think of anyone other than him. Plus, he’s kind of cute.”
Tiffany pursed her lips together while gripping the phone. If only she could write Donghae out of this world, she would.
“Tiffany? You there?”
“Yeah.” She replied in a small voice.
“For all we know, it could be a girl.”
“What made you think that?” The question slipped out of Tiffany’s mouth before she could revise it.
“The person made a tiny heart shape in corner at the back of the paper.” Jessica giggled. Tiffany cursed herself mentally for taking Jessica for granted that she won’t notice it. “And.. I don’t see that many guys interested in writing anyways.”
“What if it’s a girl?” Tiffany asked in a careful tone, feeling hopeful.
“I’ll be equally as happy about it as I would with a guy. Maybe happier.”
Her lips grew into a smile hearing her answer.
**
The next morning, beginning of 5th week
The phone call woke Tiffany up.
“Hello?” She said in a groggy and slightly snappy tone, hand over her eyes. The light from outside was blinding her.
“Me again.” It was Jessica. The irritation in Tiffany was gone now. “Did I wake you up?”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry. I called Donghae. I couldn’t wait any longer so I’ll be seeing him later. What do you think?”
This made Tiffany sat upright. “Uhhhhh. I don’t know.” She wanted to choke herself to death because that was all she could say. Verbally, she was challenged. In writing, words flowed out easily. “Do whatever you think it’s best..?”
“Alright. By the way, I like the book!”
“Wh-” Tiffany wanted to ask what book did she borrow. At that time, she couldn’t see what it was because Jessica had already slipped it into her bag.
“Oops. Yoona’s ringing. See ya!” The call ended abruptly.
Tiffany fell back onto the bed and groaned in desperation.
**
Noon came and Tiffany kept looking out of the window from the living room. Then she saw Donghae came to Jessica’s front porch. Subconciously, her nails digged into her palm skin. The door opened and Jessica had a cheerful look on her. It made Tiffany smile but bitter at the same time.
After an hour, Donghae had already left and Jessica called Tiffany.
“It’s him! He said he was the one who wrote those letters. I was right!”
Inside, Tiffany was screaming silently. “I see.” In her mind, she pictured Donghae getting executed.
“He asked me on a date. He’s taking me out at the end of this week.” And Donghae’s head getting chopped off.
That day, Tiffany threw the rest of the ice peach into the sink because she was too angry for words. Eventually, she wrote a new letter, decided to reveal herself at the end of the week.
**
Fourth letter
Dear Jessica,
DONGHAE IS NOT THE ONE. HE’S A LYING BITCH. I’M THE ONE WHO WROTE THOSE LETTERS.
Hi….. I’m writing this out of impulse and have this letter shoved into an envelope before I have the chance to rip it. I’ll reveal myself. I live across you. I see you everyday, hoping you’ll glance in my way. And these past 2 weeks, I’ve never been happier. Yes. I was the one who wrote you those letters. I’m sorry if I’m not what you expected. I’m sorry that I could never be the person you wished for. Hope we’ll stay friends even though I haven’t been a very good one.
“They say love is blind. I beg to differ. I think it makes one see what other people can’t. I’m in pure clarity with every fibre of your being. You are my clarity.” - T. H
No longer a secret but still an admirer, Tiffany.
**
End of the 5th week
Clutching the stack of mails in her hand, Tiffany slowly walked towards Jessica’s house. Unexpectedly, Jessica was sitting at the porch steps like two weeks ago. She was waiting for her.
The two greeted each other with a smile. Jessica stood up, brushed the dirt off her pants and walked towards Tiffany. “Any mail for me?” She smiled like she knew something.
“I don’t know.” Tiffany held the evenlopes out to Jessica. Her hands were shaking. In few minutes, Jessica would open the letter and know it was her. She took the particular letter like she had known which one it would be all along. “So.. um. You and Donghae.. later?” Tiffany glanced up to the sky, hoping the bright mood of the sky would reflect on her face as well.
“I guess. Unless there’s something you want to say.”
“Like what?” Tiffany met her eyes, eyebrow raised. Jessica took the cap off Tiffany and smiled warmly.
“I like you better without the cap. I can see your eyes better.” Her fingertips touched Tiffany’s forehead softly as she brushed the bangs to the side. “What’s your most favourite poem?”
Tiffany’s eyes a little wider. “A poem by Andrea Gibson.”
“How does it go?”
“Uh.. There’s one particular line I like.” She said excitedly. Things like this made her talk more. Unbeknownst to Tiffany, Jessica already knew what she was going to say. “Buy me a ring that will turn my finger green so I can imagine our love is a forest - because I wanna get lost in you.”
“I’m right all along.”
“Right about what?”
“You wrote it.” Tiffany parted her lips, taken aback. “So tell me why I shouldn’t go out with Donghae later.” Jessica smiled slightly and took a step towards Tiffany. They were only inches from a kiss. “Tell me.” She said under her breath.
“Because I wrote those letters.” Tiffany closed her eyes and braced herself for the worst outcome. But she was wrong.
Instead, it was the opposite. Jessica’s lips met hers slowly. Tiffany tasted the gloss off her lips and kissed her back.
**
“How did you know?” Tiffany asked after drinking the ice peach Jessica had prepared for her.
“You scribbled a lot in Andrea Gibson’s book and circled your favourite line. And I compared the handwriting with the ones in the letter. The I’s, E's and F’s were exactly the same. I had my suspicions already when I was in your room.” Jessica said proudly before stealing a kiss from Tiffany. “And besides, that line is my favourite too. We’re soooo meant to be.”
words: 3870
Summer holidays was here and Tiffany had volunteered to be a post office girl for the time being. She only did it just so she could send letters or poems to a girl she had been crushing on. A girl named Jessica. She was only a few months older and never really noticed Tiffany even though they were neighbours.
Tiffany knew it was creepy for her to do so but how could she stand still and watch Jessica just from the window? Her job was to deliver mails in her neigbourhood only.
The first letter was about how she admired Jessica and wrote to her that she shouldn’t going out with douchebags anymore. Of course, she had to scribble her words so it would be like a boy’s handwriting. The next day, Tiffany saw Jessica putting the letter back in the mailbox. But that didn’t stop her from complimenting the girl.
On the first day of the holidays, news broke out that Jessica just broken up with some douchebag Tiffany did not bother to remember his name. And Jessica seemed to be upset about it. Tiffany would see her sitting on the porch till the sunset comes, staring at particularly nothing, and an upside down smile pasted.
After the first letter, Tiffany started adding poems in the later letters. She would scribble the words onto a small paper, fold it after, and put it in an envelope.
Mostly, Tiffany prefered E.E Cummings, Ginsberg’s, or F.Scott Fitzgerald’s works. She grew to loving their writings. Her father was a literature professor at a college nearby and built a small library in their home. So on afternoons, she takes a book out, searches for the marked lines, and write it down on a paper.
Delivering those letters were kind of tricky at first for Tiffany. She had to pull down the brim of her cap down just so anyone would not see her face. Especially Jessica. Sometimes, Tiffany would hesitate a little before putting the envelope in the mailbox.
**
First letter
Dear Jessica,
Hi. How are you? You must be wondering who I am. This may come off creepy. I just want to say that I kind of like you. Kind of a lot too. Creepy? I’m sorry. I think you’re a pretty cool person and pretty beautiful. You deserve a lot better. He’s a douchebag.
Your secret admirer
**
End of 2nd week
One noon, Tiffany went to Jessica’s house to do the usual job. As she was putting the mail in, Jessica yanked the door open, walked down the steps, and grabbed the mails out of Tiffany’s hand. Jessica started to rifle through it and got hers, and Tiffany’s heart dropped.
To her very relief, the cap was pulled down therefore Jessica couldn’t really see the panicked eyes.
“Do you know who is the sender?” Jessica held the letter in front of Tiffany. She sounded like she was accusing Tiffany.
Tiffany just shook her head. “No..”
“Well, if you do see him at the post office, tell him I want to meet him.” Jessica said. It wasn’t an angry or a friendly kind of tone. Tiffany did not know what to make out of that. “Or is it a her? There’s no a return address. Ridiculous.” The girl scoffed and went back into the house without bidding goodbye. After that, Tiffany could finally breathe properly.
**
Second letter
Dear Jessica,
It’s me again. I hope you’re not too weirded by this. And I hope you find my letter enlightening. And I also hope you’ll be happier. I hope for all the greatest things for you. Because you deserve it. Only if I could show you how incredibly wonderful you are. If only you could see the way I see you. Because in my eyes, you shine the brightest among the stars and you are the loveliest of all roses.
“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: - you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.” - e.e. cummings
Your secret admirer
**
End of 3nd week
Arriving at Jessica’s front lawn, Tiffany had her blue cap on and took the mail out of her bag. Then she noticed Jessica was sitting on the porch steps as if she had been waiting for Tiffany.
“You again.” Jessica said flatly. She lifted her sunglasses onto her head and narrowed her eyes at Tiffany. She was leaning back and had her elbows propped on the porch floor, her leg over the other.
Tiffany smiled half-heartedly and sweats started to trickle down her temples. Jessica’s shirt was pulled back a little, baring her stomach, and the sight had Tiffany’s eyes looking down her own feet.
“A letter for me again?”
Tiffany shrugged.
“Bring it to me?” It wasn’t a question but more of a request. She complied and meekly handed the particular letter to Jessica. “Thanks.”
She was about to turn away but halted when Jessica spoke up again. “I swear I’ve seen you somewhere. Aside from giving mails.”
“I live across you.” Tiffany looked over her shoulder and pointed at her own house.
“Wow, really?” Jessica laughed airily, disbelief at the information. Tiffany’s cheeks were burning in embarassement.“My name’s Jessica. I don’t think we’ve officially met.” She stood up and smiled. “And you’re Tiffany.” Her eyes landed on Tiffany’s badge name.
“I know who you are.”
“You do?” Jessica furrowed her brow.
“We go to the same school together.” Tiffany said in a dull tone. A little offended that Jessica had never noticed her before.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were a little older since you mail stuff and all.”
“It’s a summer job.” Tiffany said as she walked away quickly.
**
Third letter
Dear Jessica,
I assumed that you’re probably thinking that I may be from your school. Yes, I am. I could only tell you that. Jessica.. Jessica.. I think it’s a pretty normal name. One of many common American names. Somehow it suits you. Somehow you’ve made the name sound more than just.. normal. I think you’re pretty extraordinary. Do believe it when I say that you are. A stranger’s words are sometimes more truthful than the people you’ve known.
“The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction the weight, the weight we carry is love. ” - Allen Ginsberg.
Your secret admirer
**Beginning of the 4th week
That afternoon, Tiffany took the trash out and saw Jessica jogging with earphones on. The girl glanced in her way and Tiffany looked away quickly and pretended to slap some flies away.
“Hey!” Jessica waved and then walked across the street to where Tiffany stood. She smiled and took her earphones off and then wiped the sweat on her neck with a towel. Then Tiffany found it was hard to breathe again. “I just uh.. want to apologize for yesterday. For not.. really acknowledging you since the beginning.”
Tiffany simply gave a thin smile and shove her hands into her pockets.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Jessica threw the towel over her shoulder and leaned her weight on one foot. “I made an awesome ice peach drink. You ought to try it. Come on.” Tiffany didn’t really have much choice because her own legs betrayed her. They were simply drawn to follow where Jessica was going.
**
In Jessica’s house, Tiffany scanned the area. It was white-spaced and airy. “You have a nice place.” She complimented.
“Thanks. There’s not really much here. Parents are out for some business trip until god knows when. So this place’s practically nothing.” Jessica disappeared into another room.
In the hallway, Tiffany felt out of place and unsure what to do. Quick steps came down the stairs. It was Jessica’s younger sister. “Oh, hello Tiffany.” Krystal wore a polo shirt and a white skirt with a bag hung on her shoulder. At least, Krystal noticed Tiffany.
And for that, Tiffany smiled genuinely and greeted her, “Hey Krys, tennis practice?”
“Yeap.”
Then Jessica appeared with her arms crossed. “Are you going anywhere afterwards?”
“A party.” Krystal’s tone fell flat.
“Don’t be late.” Jessica said authoritively.
“Whatever.”
**
“I still feel kind of bad. Even my sister knows who you are.” Jessica handed Tiffany the ice peach drink. It was hard for Tiffany to not look elsewhere other than Jessica’s eyes.
The girl was wearing a sports bra and just shorts. Was this a punishment for secretly sending those letters to her? Tiffany pondered. “It’s fine.” She took a sip of the drink, savouring the cool taste.
“How’s the drink?” Jessica asked with wonder in her eyes.
Tiffany gave a thumbs up. “Nice.”
“Just nice?”
“Really nice.” The response made Jessica laughed instead.
“I want to show you something.” Jessica went into the dining room and Tiffany followed behind. “Sit here.” She gestured her to sit at the dining table. “I’ll be right back.”
**
Jessica returned to the room with opened envelopes. “I was thinking that you could help me with this. Like uh, recognize the handwriting or something. So when you see him or her putting in the letter, you’ll know.”
Tiffany froze in her seat as she stared at her own papers. She swallowed hard. “W-why do you want to know?” She croaked. She thought about typing them out but thought better of it because it would be too formal and weird.
“Just curious. It kind of creeped me out at first. Then the poems started, I kind of like it.” Jessica stood next to where Tiffany sat and leaned forward to read one of the letters. Tiffany’s nails dugged into the cushion at the sudden closeness. “To be honest, it made me feel better. The past few weeks been kind of.. depressing.” Jessica picked up one of the letters.
“Oh.” Tiffany choked out. She nursed her drink as her throat was weirdly dry. “Is it because.. of the break - ..” She stopped herself, immediately regretting asking her.
“You knew about that?” Jessica straightened her posture and walked towards one of the windows, staring off at somewhere. Then she let out of a stifled laugh. “I wasn’t really depressed about that. Sure, took me a few days but that was it. Then I realized I’ve been wasting my time with him.” She scoffed, shaking her head.
Jessica looked over her shoulder and smiled at the letters. She continued, “When there’s someone who writes to me all these wonderful words, you know?”
Tiffany didn’t know what to say. A small smile swept across her face, knowing Jessica liked the letters. “Any favourite poem?”
“The one about the moon, the sun, the stars, I think it’s by E.E Cummings .” Jessica finished her drink and set it on the table.
A second later, her phone started to ring. She picked it up and mouthed “Wait a sec” to Tiffany.
“Hello.. Oh hey, Yoong…. A party? Not really up for it.” Jessica stared out of the window again. “No, Yoong. I know. I know. Alright, fine. Jeez. I’ll be there.”
After the phone call ended, Tiffany stood up from her seat, assuming Jessica was going to go out. “I’ll get out of your hair now..”
“Sorry. You know, Yoona?” Tiffany nodded. Of course, she knew her. Everyone knew who Jessica and Yoona were. As for Tiffany.. she was just Tiffany. “She’s goddamn persistent. Sometimes I just want to strangle her.”
The only reaction Tiffany could come up with was a laugh.
“I’m rambling, aren’t I?” Jessica pulled the tie out and her hair flowed across her shoulders. “Got to get ready now.” She smiled weakly. Tiffany’s heart went weak too.
And with that, they bid each other farewell. Tiffany returned to her own solitary where she was at most comfortable with books and other things.
**
Next day
Tiffany was lounging around, reading one of Woolf’s novels, and was interrupted when the doorbell rung. Her father went to open the door and she could hear a familiar voice greeting him.
“Hello, Jessica! What a surprise!” Tiffany jolted into a sitting position, heart thumping in her ears and thoughts went through her mind at a crazy speed. The book almost slipped out of her grasp.
“Hi, Mr. Hwang. I’m uh..looking for Tiffany.”
“Tiffany? Come in, come in.” Tiffany’s father brought Jessica to the living room. “Tiffany, welcome your guest. If you girls need anything, find me in the backyard.” He beamed with a hint of surprise on his face as he looked at Tiffany before leaving.
“Am I bothering you? You look kind of busy.” Jessica said in a guilty tone.
Tiffany shook her head a little too quickly. It was true anyways. All she did the whole day was read books and watched reruns of Greys Anatomy. She gestured Jessica to sit.
“I didn’t see you at the party last night.” Jessica said, frowning a little.
“Party’s not my thing..” Tiffany tapered off, realizing how lame she sounded. How boring she was. Besides, she wasn’t even invited to any party.
“I was hoping that we could get together. Anyways, maybe you could help me with something.” Jessica played with her own fingers, looking a little nervous.
“With what?” Tiffany’s curosity piqued. Trying to look her best.
“Find whoever who sent me those letters. He or she might send another letter this week.”
A wash of nervousness came over Tiffany. This was not how she wanted it to be. She wanted to stay anonymous and not be embarrassed by the outcome. If she were to confess to Jessica, it would be a joke of the town.
Tiffany liked the girl too much to have people ruin it by making fun of her. Most of all, she didn’t want Jessica to be disgusted by her. Jessica was everything whereas Tiffany was just Tiffany.
“Oh.” Because that was all Tiffany could come up with. “I don’t know… I just deliver letters.” She stared down her feet as if she was thinking of something else.
“You know when the office opens. In return, you’ll get a month supply of ice peach tea.” Jessica showed her pearl whites and clapped like a little girl. How could Tiffany say no to that?
**
End of 4th week
Tiffany didn’t write a letter. She was afraid of Jessica finding out. The girl had been driving around the post office during open hours. She could have sneak in the letter between the others but thought better of it.
On the delivery day, Tiffany was on her bike, going around the neighbourhood until Jessica saw her. She wanted to cycle away and pretend that she didn’t see her. But it was too late.
“Did you see who it was?” Jessica asked as she took off her earphones. She was in her usual outdoor wear.
“No.” Tiffany’s feet touched the ground and adjusted her mail pouch. “I’ve got to go.” She cycled away without looking back at her.
**
Afternoon
When Tiffany came to her room, she found Jessica tracing her fingers along the bookcase. The unexpected guest made her shriek a little. Jessica spun around.
“Sorry. Your father let me in.” Jessica propped herself onto the foot of the bed. Then stood back up. The girl couldn’t sit still.
“Uh.. w-what are you doing here?” Tiffany liked Jessica but she didn’t like when people just let themselves into her room. Her sanctuary.
“Brought you ice peach tea.” Jessica pointed at the jug which was placed on Tiffany’s desk. She lifted the brim of Tiffany’s cap and smiled. “There. I can see your pretty face better.” The comment made Tiffany blushed. And the look on her face made Jessica smiled a little wider.
“You have a lot of books.” Jessica stated the obvious.
Tiffany just nodded.
“I forgot that you don’t talk much.” The older girl laughed half-heartedly. “I’m bored so I decided to go on a summer reading. Any books you’d recommened?”
Then Tiffany’s eyes lit up at the mention of her favourite topic. “You could borrow one of them if you like.” She said with a smile.
“Really? Thanks.” Jessica already had her hands on one of the books.
**
“Tiffany! The phone call is for you!” Her dad shouted from downstairs. Tiffany wondered who would be calling her at this time. Then she remembered, who would actually call her? Her only bestfriend, Sooyoung, was out of country.
Tiffany reached her hand out to get the phone from the table. “Hello?”
“Hey! It’s Jessica.”
“How did you get this number?”
“Phonebook.” Jessica sounded disappointed.
“Oh. Hey!” Tiffany greeted her back in an uncharacteristically cheerful manner. “What’s up?”
“I think I know who it might be. It could be the guy named Donghae. He's always back in the class, scribbling something, and completely quiet. Not what I expected, but hey, it’s a possibility. I couldn’t think of anyone other than him. Plus, he’s kind of cute.”
Tiffany pursed her lips together while gripping the phone. If only she could write Donghae out of this world, she would.
“Tiffany? You there?”
“Yeah.” She replied in a small voice.
“For all we know, it could be a girl.”
“What made you think that?” The question slipped out of Tiffany’s mouth before she could revise it.
“The person made a tiny heart shape in corner at the back of the paper.” Jessica giggled. Tiffany cursed herself mentally for taking Jessica for granted that she won’t notice it. “And.. I don’t see that many guys interested in writing anyways.”
“What if it’s a girl?” Tiffany asked in a careful tone, feeling hopeful.
“I’ll be equally as happy about it as I would with a guy. Maybe happier.”
Her lips grew into a smile hearing her answer.
**
The next morning, beginning of 5th week
The phone call woke Tiffany up.
“Hello?” She said in a groggy and slightly snappy tone, hand over her eyes. The light from outside was blinding her.
“Me again.” It was Jessica. The irritation in Tiffany was gone now. “Did I wake you up?”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry. I called Donghae. I couldn’t wait any longer so I’ll be seeing him later. What do you think?”
This made Tiffany sat upright. “Uhhhhh. I don’t know.” She wanted to choke herself to death because that was all she could say. Verbally, she was challenged. In writing, words flowed out easily. “Do whatever you think it’s best..?”
“Alright. By the way, I like the book!”
“Wh-” Tiffany wanted to ask what book did she borrow. At that time, she couldn’t see what it was because Jessica had already slipped it into her bag.
“Oops. Yoona’s ringing. See ya!” The call ended abruptly.
Tiffany fell back onto the bed and groaned in desperation.
**
Noon came and Tiffany kept looking out of the window from the living room. Then she saw Donghae came to Jessica’s front porch. Subconciously, her nails digged into her palm skin. The door opened and Jessica had a cheerful look on her. It made Tiffany smile but bitter at the same time.
After an hour, Donghae had already left and Jessica called Tiffany.
“It’s him! He said he was the one who wrote those letters. I was right!”
Inside, Tiffany was screaming silently. “I see.” In her mind, she pictured Donghae getting executed.
“He asked me on a date. He’s taking me out at the end of this week.” And Donghae’s head getting chopped off.
That day, Tiffany threw the rest of the ice peach into the sink because she was too angry for words. Eventually, she wrote a new letter, decided to reveal herself at the end of the week.
**
Fourth letter
Dear Jessica,
DONGHAE IS NOT THE ONE. HE’S A LYING BITCH. I’M THE ONE WHO WROTE THOSE LETTERS.
Hi….. I’m writing this out of impulse and have this letter shoved into an envelope before I have the chance to rip it. I’ll reveal myself. I live across you. I see you everyday, hoping you’ll glance in my way. And these past 2 weeks, I’ve never been happier. Yes. I was the one who wrote you those letters. I’m sorry if I’m not what you expected. I’m sorry that I could never be the person you wished for. Hope we’ll stay friends even though I haven’t been a very good one.
“They say love is blind. I beg to differ. I think it makes one see what other people can’t. I’m in pure clarity with every fibre of your being. You are my clarity.” - T. H
No longer a secret but still an admirer, Tiffany.
**
End of the 5th week
Clutching the stack of mails in her hand, Tiffany slowly walked towards Jessica’s house. Unexpectedly, Jessica was sitting at the porch steps like two weeks ago. She was waiting for her.
The two greeted each other with a smile. Jessica stood up, brushed the dirt off her pants and walked towards Tiffany. “Any mail for me?” She smiled like she knew something.
“I don’t know.” Tiffany held the evenlopes out to Jessica. Her hands were shaking. In few minutes, Jessica would open the letter and know it was her. She took the particular letter like she had known which one it would be all along. “So.. um. You and Donghae.. later?” Tiffany glanced up to the sky, hoping the bright mood of the sky would reflect on her face as well.
“I guess. Unless there’s something you want to say.”
“Like what?” Tiffany met her eyes, eyebrow raised. Jessica took the cap off Tiffany and smiled warmly.
“I like you better without the cap. I can see your eyes better.” Her fingertips touched Tiffany’s forehead softly as she brushed the bangs to the side. “What’s your most favourite poem?”
Tiffany’s eyes a little wider. “A poem by Andrea Gibson.”
“How does it go?”
“Uh.. There’s one particular line I like.” She said excitedly. Things like this made her talk more. Unbeknownst to Tiffany, Jessica already knew what she was going to say. “Buy me a ring that will turn my finger green so I can imagine our love is a forest - because I wanna get lost in you.”
“I’m right all along.”
“Right about what?”
“You wrote it.” Tiffany parted her lips, taken aback. “So tell me why I shouldn’t go out with Donghae later.” Jessica smiled slightly and took a step towards Tiffany. They were only inches from a kiss. “Tell me.” She said under her breath.
“Because I wrote those letters.” Tiffany closed her eyes and braced herself for the worst outcome. But she was wrong.
Instead, it was the opposite. Jessica’s lips met hers slowly. Tiffany tasted the gloss off her lips and kissed her back.
**
“How did you know?” Tiffany asked after drinking the ice peach Jessica had prepared for her.
“You scribbled a lot in Andrea Gibson’s book and circled your favourite line. And I compared the handwriting with the ones in the letter. The I’s, E's and F’s were exactly the same. I had my suspicions already when I was in your room.” Jessica said proudly before stealing a kiss from Tiffany. “And besides, that line is my favourite too. We’re soooo meant to be.”